Rabelais - The Third Book

THE THIRD BOOK.

Chapter 3.I.

How Pantagruel transported a colony of Utopians into Dipsody.

Pantagruel, having wholly subdued the land of Dipsody, transported

thereunto a colony of Utopians, to the number of 9,876,543,210 men, besides

the women and little children, artificers of all trades, and professors of

all sciences, to people, cultivate, and improve that country, which

otherwise was ill inhabited, and in the greatest part thereof but a mere

desert and wilderness; and did transport them (not) so much for the

excessive multitude of men and women, which were in Utopia multiplied, for

number, like grasshoppers upon the face of the land.  You understand well

enough, nor is it needful further to explain it to you, that the Utopian

men had so rank and fruitful genitories, and that the Utopian women carried

matrixes so ample, so gluttonous, so tenaciously retentive, and so

architectonically cellulated, that at the end of every ninth month seven

children at the least, what male what female, were brought forth by every

married woman, in imitation of the people of Israel in Egypt, if Anthony

(Nicholas) de Lyra be to be trusted.  Nor yet was this transplantation made

so much for the fertility of the soil, the wholesomeness of the air, or

commodity of the country of Dipsody, as to retain that rebellious people

within the bounds of their duty and obedience, by this new transport of his

ancient and most faithful subjects, who, from all time out of mind, never

knew, acknowledged, owned, or served any other sovereign lord but him; and

who likewise, from the very instant of their birth, as soon as they were

entered into this world, had, with the milk of their mothers and nurses,

sucked in the sweetness, humanity, and mildness of his government, to which

they were all of them so nourished and habituated, that there was nothing

surer than that they would sooner abandon their lives than swerve from this

singular and primitive obedience naturally due to their prince,

whithersoever they should be dispersed or removed.

And not only should they, and their children successively descending from

their blood, be such, but also would keep and maintain in this same fealty

and obsequious observance all the nations lately annexed to his empire;

which so truly came to pass that therein he was not disappointed of his

intent.  For if the Utopians were before their transplantation thither

dutiful and faithful subjects, the Dipsodes, after some few days conversing

with them, were every whit as, if not more, loyal than they; and that by

virtue of I know not what natural fervency incident to all human creatures

at the beginning of any labour wherein they take delight:  solemnly

attesting the heavens and supreme intelligences of their being only sorry

that no sooner unto their knowledge had arrived the great renown of the

good Pantagruel.

Remark therefore here, honest drinkers, that the manner of preserving and

retaining countries newly conquered in obedience is not, as hath been the

erroneous opinion of some tyrannical spirits to their own detriment and

dishonour, to pillage, plunder, force, spoil, trouble, oppress, vex,

disquiet, ruin and destroy the people, ruling, governing and keeping them

in awe with rods of iron; and, in a word, eating and devouring them, after

the fashion that Homer calls an unjust and wicked king, Demoboron, that is

to say, a devourer of his people.

I will not bring you to this purpose the testimony of ancient writers.  It

shall suffice to put you in mind of what your fathers have seen thereof,

and yourselves too, if you be not very babes.  Newborn, they must be given

suck to, rocked in a cradle, and dandled.  Trees newly planted must be

supported, underpropped, strengthened and defended against all tempests,

mischiefs, injuries, and calamities.  And one lately saved from a long and

dangerous sickness, and new upon his recovery, must be forborn, spared, and

cherished, in such sort that they may harbour in their own breasts this

opinion, that there is not in the world a king or a prince who does not

desire fewer enemies and more friends.  Thus Osiris, the great king of the

Egyptians, conquered almost the whole earth, not so much by force of arms

as by easing the people of their troubles, teaching them how to live well,

and honestly giving them good laws, and using them with all possible

affability, courtesy, gentleness, and liberality.  Therefore was he by all

men deservedly entitled the Great King Euergetes, that is to say,

Benefactor, which style he obtained by virtue of the command of Jupiter to

(one) Pamyla.

And in effect, Hesiod, in his Hierarchy, placed the good demons (call them

angels if you will, or geniuses,) as intercessors and mediators betwixt the

gods and men, they being of a degree inferior to the gods, but superior to

men.  And for that through their hands the riches and benefits we get from

heaven are dealt to us, and that they are continually doing us good and

still protecting us from evil, he saith that they exercise the offices of

kings; because to do always good, and never ill, is an act most singularly

royal.

Just such another was the emperor of the universe, Alexander the

Macedonian.  After this manner was Hercules sovereign possessor of the

whole continent, relieving men from monstrous oppressions, exactions, and

tyrannies; governing them with discretion, maintaining them in equity and

justice, instructing them with seasonable policies and wholesome laws,

convenient for and suitable to the soil, climate, and disposition of the

country, supplying what was wanting, abating what was superfluous, and

pardoning all that was past, with a sempiternal forgetfulness of all

preceding offences, as was the amnesty of the Athenians, when by the

prowess, valour, and industry of Thrasybulus the tyrants were

exterminated; afterwards at Rome by Cicero exposed, and renewed under the

Emperor Aurelian.  These are the philtres, allurements, iynges,

inveiglements, baits, and enticements of love, by the means whereof that

may be peaceably revived which was painfully acquired.  Nor can a

conqueror reign more happily, whether he be a monarch, emperor, king,

prince, or philosopher, than by making his justice to second his valour.

His valour shows itself in victory and conquest; his justice will appear

in the goodwill and affection of the people, when he maketh laws,

publisheth ordinances, establisheth religion, and doth what is right to

everyone, as the noble poet Virgil writes of Octavian Augustus:

    Victorque volentes

  Per populos dat jura.

Therefore is it that Homer in his Iliads calleth a good prince and great

king Kosmetora laon, that is, the ornament of the people.

Such was the consideration of Numa Pompilius, the second king of the

Romans, a just politician and wise philosopher, when he ordained that to

god Terminus, on the day of his festival called Terminales, nothing should

be sacrificed that had died; teaching us thereby that the bounds, limits,

and frontiers of kingdoms should be guarded, and preserved in peace, amity,

and meekness, without polluting our hands with blood and robbery.  Who doth

otherwise, shall not only lose what he hath gained, but also be loaded with

this scandal and reproach, that he is an unjust and wicked purchaser, and

his acquests perish with him; Juxta illud, male parta, male dilabuntur.

And although during his whole lifetime he should have peaceable possession

thereof, yet if what hath been so acquired moulder away in the hands of his

heirs, the same opprobry, scandal, and imputation will be charged upon the

defunct, and his memory remain accursed for his unjust and unwarrantable

conquest; Juxta illud, de male quaesitis vix gaudet tertius haeres.

Remark, likewise, gentlemen, you gouty feoffees, in this main point worthy

of your observation, how by these means Pantagruel of one angel made two,

which was a contingency opposite to the counsel of Charlemagne, who made

two devils of one when he transplanted the Saxons into Flanders and the

Flemings into Saxony.  For, not being able to keep in such subjection the

Saxons, whose dominion he had joined to the empire, but that ever and anon

they would break forth into open rebellion if he should casually be drawn

into Spain or other remote kingdoms, he caused them to be brought unto his

own country of Flanders, the inhabitants whereof did naturally obey him,

and transported the Hainaults and Flemings, his ancient loving subjects,

into Saxony, not mistrusting their loyalty now that they were transplanted

into a strange land.  But it happened that the Saxons persisted in their

rebellion and primitive obstinacy, and the Flemings dwelling in Saxony did

imbibe the stubborn manners and conditions of the Saxons.

Chapter 3.II.

How Panurge was made Laird of Salmigondin in Dipsody, and did waste his

revenue before it came in.

Whilst Pantagruel was giving order for the government of all Dipsody, he

assigned to Panurge the lairdship of Salmigondin, which was yearly worth

6,789,106,789 reals of certain rent, besides the uncertain revenue of the

locusts and periwinkles, amounting, one year with another, to the value of

435,768, or 2,435,769 French crowns of Berry.  Sometimes it did amount to

1,230,554,321 seraphs, when it was a good year, and that locusts and

periwinkles were in request; but that was not every year.

Now his worship, the new laird, husbanded this his estate so providently

well and prudently, that in less than fourteen days he wasted and

dilapidated all the certain and uncertain revenue of his lairdship for

three whole years.  Yet did not he properly dilapidate it, as you might

say, in founding of monasteries, building of churches, erecting of

colleges, and setting up of hospitals, or casting his bacon-flitches to the

dogs; but spent it in a thousand little banquets and jolly collations,

keeping open house for all comers and goers; yea, to all good fellows,

young girls, and pretty wenches; felling timber, burning great logs for the

sale of the ashes, borrowing money beforehand, buying dear, selling cheap,

and eating his corn, as it were, whilst it was but grass.

Pantagruel, being advertised of this his lavishness, was in good sooth no

way offended at the matter, angry nor sorry; for I once told you, and again

tell it you, that he was the best, little, great goodman that ever girded a

sword to his side.  He took all things in good part, and interpreted every

action to the best sense.  He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the

least pretence of dislike to anything, because he knew that he must have

most grossly abandoned the divine mansion of reason if he had permitted his

mind to be never so little grieved, afflicted, or altered at any occasion

whatsoever.  For all the goods that the heaven covereth, and that the earth

containeth, in all their dimensions of height, depth, breadth, and length,

are not of so much worth as that we should for them disturb or disorder our

affections, trouble or perplex our senses or spirits.

He drew only Panurge aside, and then, making to him a sweet remonstrance

and mild admonition, very gently represented before him in strong

arguments, that, if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of

living, and not become a better mesnagier, it would prove altogether

impossible for him, or at least hugely difficult, at any time to make him

rich.  Rich! answered Panurge; have you fixed your thoughts there?  Have

you undertaken the task to enrich me in this world?  Set your mind to live

merrily, in the name of God and good folks; let no other cark nor care be

harboured within the sacrosanctified domicile of your celestial brain.  May

the calmness and tranquillity thereof be never incommodated with, or

overshadowed by any frowning clouds of sullen imaginations and displeasing

annoyance!  For if you live joyful, merry, jocund, and glad, I cannot be

but rich enough.  Everybody cries up thrift, thrift, and good husbandry.

But many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his bow, and talk of that

virtue of mesnagery who know not what belongs to it.  It is by me that they

must be advised.  From me, therefore, take this advertisement and

information, that what is imputed to me for a vice hath been done in

imitation of the university and parliament of Paris, places in which is to

be found the true spring and source of the lively idea of Pantheology and

all manner of justice.  Let him be counted a heretic that doubteth thereof,

and doth not firmly believe it.  Yet they in one day eat up their bishop,

or the revenue of the bishopric--is it not all one?--for a whole year, yea,

sometimes for two.  This is done on the day he makes his entry, and is

installed.  Nor is there any place for an excuse; for he cannot avoid it,

unless he would be hooted at and stoned for his parsimony.

It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the habit of the four

cardinal virtues.  Of prudence in borrowing money beforehand; for none

knows what may fall out.  Who is able to tell if the world shall last yet

three years?  But although it should continue longer, is there any man so

foolish as to have the confidence to promise himself three years?

  What fool so confident to say,

  That he shall live one other day?

Of commutative justice, in buying dear, I say, upon trust, and selling

goods cheap, that is, for ready money.  What says Cato in his Book of

Husbandry to this purpose?  The father of a family, says he, must be a

perpetual seller; by which means it is impossible but that at last he shall

become rich, if he have of vendible ware enough still ready for sale.

Of distributive justice it doth partake, in giving entertainment to good

--remark, good--and gentle fellows, whom fortune had shipwrecked, like

Ulysses, upon the rock of a hungry stomach without provision of sustenance;

and likewise to the good--remark, the good--and young wenches.  For,

according to the sentence of Hippocrates, Youth is impatient of hunger,

chiefly if it be vigorous, lively, frolic, brisk, stirring, and bouncing.

Which wanton lasses willingly and heartily devote themselves to the

pleasure of honest men; and are in so far both Platonic and Ciceronian,

that they do acknowledge their being born into this world not to be for

themselves alone, but that in their proper persons their acquaintance may

claim one share, and their friends another.

The virtue of fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and

overthrowing of the great trees, like a second Milo making havoc of the

dark forest, which did serve only to furnish dens, caves, and shelter to

wolves, wild boars, and foxes, and afford receptacles, withdrawing corners,

and refuges to robbers, thieves, and murderers, lurking holes and skulking

places for cutthroat assassinators, secret obscure shops for coiners of

false money, and safe retreats for heretics, laying them even and level

with the plain champaign fields and pleasant heathy ground, at the sound of

the hautboys and bagpipes playing reeks with the high and stately timber,

and preparing seats and benches for the eve of the dreadful day of

judgment.

I gave thereby proof of my temperance in eating my corn whilst it was but

grass, like a hermit feeding upon salads and roots, that, so affranchising

myself from the yoke of sensual appetites to the utter disclaiming of their

sovereignty, I might the better reserve somewhat in store for the relief of

the lame, blind, crippled, maimed, needy, poor, and wanting wretches.

In taking this course I save the expense of the weed-grubbers, who gain

money,--of the reapers in harvest-time, who drink lustily, and without

water,--of gleaners, who will expect their cakes and bannocks,--of

threshers, who leave no garlic, scallions, leeks, nor onions in our

gardens, by the authority of Thestilis in Virgil,--and of the millers, who

are generally thieves,--and of the bakers, who are little better.  Is this

small saving or frugality?  Besides the mischief and damage of the

field-mice, the decay of barns, and the destruction usually made by

weasels and other vermin.

Of corn in the blade you may make good green sauce of a light concoction

and easy digestion, which recreates the brain and exhilarates the animal

spirits, rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite, delighteth the taste,

comforteth the heart, tickleth the tongue, cheereth the countenance,

striking a fresh and lively colour, strengthening the muscles, tempers the

blood, disburdens the midriff, refresheth the liver, disobstructs the

spleen, easeth the kidneys, suppleth the reins, quickens the joints of the

back, cleanseth the urine-conduits, dilates the spermatic vessels, shortens

the cremasters, purgeth the bladder, puffeth up the genitories, correcteth

the prepuce, hardens the nut, and rectifies the member.  It will make you

have a current belly to trot, fart, dung, piss, sneeze, cough, spit, belch,

spew, yawn, snuff, blow, breathe, snort, sweat, and set taut your Robin,

with a thousand other rare advantages.  I understand you very well, says

Pantagruel; you would thereby infer that those of a mean spirit and shallow

capacity have not the skill to spend much in a short time.  You are not the

first in whose conceit that heresy hath entered.  Nero maintained it, and

above all mortals admired most his uncle Caius Caligula, for having in a

few days, by a most wonderfully pregnant invention, totally spent all the

goods and patrimony which Tiberius had left him.

But, instead of observing the sumptuous supper-curbing laws of the Romans

--to wit, the Orchia, the Fannia, the Didia, the Licinia, the Cornelia,

the Lepidiana, the Antia, and of the Corinthians--by the which they were

inhibited, under pain of great punishment, not to spend more in one year

than their annual revenue did amount to, you have offered up the oblation

of Protervia, which was with the Romans such a sacrifice as the paschal

lamb was amongst the Jews, wherein all that was eatable was to be eaten,

and the remainder to be thrown into the fire, without reserving anything

for the next day.  I may very justly say of you, as Cato did of Albidius,

who after that he had by a most extravagant expense wasted all the means

and possessions he had to one only house, he fairly set it on fire, that he

might the better say, Consummatum est.  Even just as since his time St.

Thomas Aquinas did, when he had eaten up the whole lamprey, although there

was no necessity in it.

Chapter 3.III.

How Panurge praiseth the debtors and borrowers.

But, quoth Pantagruel, when will you be out of debt?  At the next ensuing

term of the Greek kalends, answered Panurge, when all the world shall be

content, and that it be your fate to become your own heir.  The Lord forbid

that I should be out of debt, as if, indeed, I could not be trusted.  Who

leaves not some leaven over night, will hardly have paste the next morning.

Be still indebted to somebody or other, that there may be somebody always

to pray for you, that the giver of all good things may grant unto you a

blessed, long, and prosperous life; fearing, if fortune should deal crossly

with you, that it might be his chance to come short of being paid by you,

he will always speak good of you in every company, ever and anon purchase

new creditors unto you; to the end, that through their means you may make a

shift by borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, and with other folk’s earth fill

up his ditch.  When of old, in the region of the Gauls, by the institution

of the Druids, the servants, slaves, and bondmen were burnt quick at the

funerals and obsequies of their lords and masters, had not they fear

enough, think you, that their lords and masters should die?  For, perforce,

they were to die with them for company.  Did not they incessantly send up

their supplications to their great god Mercury, as likewise unto Dis, the

father of wealth, to lengthen out their days, and to preserve them long in

health?  Were not they very careful to entertain them well, punctually to

look unto them, and to attend them faithfully and circumspectly?  For by

those means were they to live together at least until the hour of death.

Believe me, your creditors with a more fervent devotion will beseech

Almighty God to prolong your life, they being of nothing more afraid than

that you should die; for that they are more concerned for the sleeve than

the arm, and love silver better than their own lives.  As it evidently

appeareth by the usurers of Landerousse, who not long since hanged

themselves because the price of the corn and wines was fallen by the return

of a gracious season.  To this Pantagruel answering nothing, Panurge went

on in his discourse, saying, Truly and in good sooth, sir, when I ponder my

destiny aright, and think well upon it, you put me shrewdly to my plunges,

and have me at a bay in twitting me with the reproach of my debts and

creditors.  And yet did I, in this only respect and consideration of being

a debtor, esteem myself worshipful, reverend, and formidable.  For against

the opinion of most philosophers, that of nothing ariseth nothing, yet,

without having bottomed on so much as that which is called the First

Matter, did I out of nothing become such (a) maker and creator, that I have

created--what?--a gay number of fair and jolly creditors.  Nay, creditors,

I will maintain it, even to the very fire itself exclusively, are fair and

goodly creatures.  Who lendeth nothing is an ugly and wicked creature, and

an accursed imp of the infernal Old Nick.  And there is made--what?  Debts.

A thing most precious and dainty, of great use and antiquity.  Debts, I

say, surmounting the number of syllables which may result from the

combinations of all the consonants, with each of the vowels heretofore

projected, reckoned, and calculated by the noble Xenocrates.  To judge of

the perfection of debtors by the numerosity of their creditors is the

readiest way for entering into the mysteries of practical arithmetic.

You can hardly imagine how glad I am, when every morning I perceive myself

environed and surrounded with brigades of creditors--humble, fawning, and

full of their reverences.  And whilst I remark that, as I look more

favourably upon and give a cheerfuller countenance to one than to another,

the fellow thereupon buildeth a conceit that he shall be the first

despatched and the foremost in the date of payment, and he valueth my

smiles at the rate of ready money, it seemeth unto me that I then act and

personate the god of the passion of Saumure, accompanied with his angels

and cherubims.

These are my flatterers, my soothers, my clawbacks, my smoothers, my

parasites, my saluters, my givers of good-morrows, and perpetual orators;

which makes me verily think that the supremest height of heroic virtue

described by Hesiod consisteth in being a debtor, wherein I held the first

degree in my commencement.  Which dignity, though all human creatures seem

to aim at and aspire thereto, few nevertheless, because of the difficulties

in the way and encumbrances of hard passages, are able to reach it, as is

easily perceivable by the ardent desire and vehement longing harboured in

the breast of everyone to be still creating more debts and new creditors.

Yet doth it not lie in the power of everyone to be a debtor.  To acquire

creditors is not at the disposure of each man’s arbitrament.  You

nevertheless would deprive me of this sublime felicity.  You ask me when I

will be out of debt.  Well, to go yet further on, and possibly worse in

your conceit, may Saint Bablin, the good saint, snatch me, if I have not

all my lifetime held debt to be as a union or conjunction of the heavens

with the earth, and the whole cement whereby the race of mankind is kept

together; yea, of such virtue and efficacy that, I say, the whole progeny

of Adam would very suddenly perish without it.  Therefore, perhaps, I do

not think amiss, when I repute it to be the great soul of the universe,

which, according to the opinion of the Academics, vivifieth all manner of

things.  In confirmation whereof, that you may the better believe it to be

so, represent unto yourself, without any prejudicacy of spirit, in a clear

and serene fancy, the idea and form of some other world than this; take, if

you please, and lay hold on the thirtieth of those which the philosopher

Metrodorus did enumerate, wherein it is to be supposed there is no debtor

or creditor, that is to say, a world without debts.

There amongst the planets will be no regular course, all will be in

disorder.  Jupiter, reckoning himself to be nothing indebted unto Saturn,

will go near to detrude him out of his sphere, and with the Homeric chain

will be like to hang up the intelligences, gods, heavens, demons, heroes,

devils, earth and sea, together with the other elements.  Saturn, no doubt,

combining with Mars will reduce that so disturbed world into a chaos of

confusion.

Mercury then would be no more subjected to the other planets; he would

scorn to be any longer their Camillus, as he was of old termed in the

Etrurian tongue.  For it is to be imagined that he is no way a debtor to

them.

Venus will be no more venerable, because she shall have lent nothing.  The

moon will remain bloody and obscure.  For to what end should the sun impart

unto her any of his light?  He owed her nothing.  Nor yet will the sun

shine upon the earth, nor the stars send down any good influence, because

the terrestrial globe hath desisted from sending up their wonted

nourishment by vapours and exhalations, wherewith Heraclitus said, the

Stoics proved, Cicero maintained, they were cherished and alimented.  There

would likewise be in such a world no manner of symbolization, alteration,

nor transmutation amongst the elements; for the one will not esteem itself

obliged to the other, as having borrowed nothing at all from it.  Earth

then will not become water, water will not be changed into air, of air will

be made no fire, and fire will afford no heat unto the earth; the earth

will produce nothing but monsters, Titans, giants; no rain will descend

upon it, nor light shine thereon; no wind will blow there, nor will there

be in it any summer or harvest.  Lucifer will break loose, and issuing

forth of the depth of hell, accompanied with his furies, fiends, and horned

devils, will go about to unnestle and drive out of heaven all the gods, as

well of the greater as of the lesser nations.  Such a world without lending

will be no better than a dog-kennel, a place of contention and wrangling,

more unruly and irregular than that of the rector of Paris; a devil of an

hurlyburly, and more disordered confusion than that of the plagues of

Douay.  Men will not then salute one another; it will be but lost labour to

expect aid or succour from any, or to cry fire, water, murder, for none

will put to their helping hand.  Why?  He lent no money, there is nothing

due to him.  Nobody is concerned in his burning, in his shipwreck, in his

ruin, or in his death; and that because he hitherto had lent nothing, and

would never thereafter have lent anything.  In short, Faith, Hope, and

Charity would be quite banished from such a world--for men are born to

relieve and assist one another; and in their stead should succeed and be

introduced Defiance, Disdain, and Rancour, with the most execrable troop of

all evils, all imprecations, and all miseries.  Whereupon you will think,

and that not amiss, that Pandora had there spilt her unlucky bottle.  Men

unto men will be wolves, hobthrushers, and goblins (as were Lycaon,

Bellerophon, Nebuchodonosor), plunderers, highway robbers, cutthroats,

rapparees, murderers, poisoners, assassinators, lewd, wicked, malevolent,

pernicious haters, set against everybody, like to Ishmael, Metabus, or

Timon the Athenian, who for that cause was named Misanthropos, in such

sort that it would prove much more easy in nature to have fish entertained

in the air and bullocks fed in the bottom of the ocean, than to support or

tolerate a rascally rabble of people that will not lend.  These fellows, I

vow, do I hate with a perfect hatred; and if, conform to the pattern of

this grievous, peevish, and perverse world which lendeth nothing, you

figure and liken the little world, which is man, you will find in him a

terrible justling coil and clutter.  The head will not lend the sight of

his eyes to guide the feet and hands; the legs will refuse to bear up the

body; the hands will leave off working any more for the rest of the

members; the heart will be weary of its continual motion for the beating of

the pulse, and will no longer lend his assistance; the lungs will withdraw

the use of their bellows; the liver will desist from convoying any more

blood through the veins for the good of the whole; the bladder will not be

indebted to the kidneys, so that the urine thereby will be totally stopped.

The brains, in the interim, considering this unnatural course, will fall

into a raving dotage, and withhold all feeling from the sinews and motion

from the muscles.  Briefly, in such a world without order and array, owing

nothing, lending nothing, and borrowing nothing, you would see a more

dangerous conspiration than that which Aesop exposed in his Apologue.  Such

a world will perish undoubtedly; and not only perish, but perish very

quickly.  Were it Aesculapius himself, his body would immediately rot, and

the chafing soul, full of indignation, take its flight to all the devils of

hell after my money.

Chapter 3.IV.

Panurge continueth his discourse in the praise of borrowers and lenders.

On the contrary, be pleased to represent unto your fancy another world,

wherein everyone lendeth and everyone oweth, all are debtors and all

creditors.  O how great will that harmony be, which shall thereby result

from the regular motions of the heavens!  Methinks I hear it every whit as

well as ever Plato did.  What sympathy will there be amongst the elements!

O how delectable then unto nature will be our own works and productions!

Whilst Ceres appeareth laden with corn, Bacchus with wines, Flora with

flowers, Pomona with fruits, and Juno fair in a clear air, wholesome and

pleasant.  I lose myself in this high contemplation.

Then will among the race of mankind peace, love, benevolence, fidelity,

tranquillity, rest, banquets, feastings, joy, gladness, gold, silver,

single money, chains, rings, with other ware and chaffer of that nature be

found to trot from hand to hand.  No suits at law, no wars, no strife,

debate, nor wrangling; none will be there a usurer, none will be there a

pinch-penny, a scrape-good wretch, or churlish hard-hearted refuser.  Good

God!  Will not this be the golden age in the reign of Saturn? the true idea

of the Olympic regions, wherein all (other) virtues cease, charity alone

ruleth, governeth, domineereth, and triumpheth?  All will be fair and

goodly people there, all just and virtuous.

O happy world!  O people of that world most happy!  Yea, thrice and four

times blessed is that people!  I think in very deed that I am amongst them,

and swear to you, by my good forsooth, that if this glorious aforesaid

world had a pope, abounding with cardinals, that so he might have the

association of a sacred college, in the space of very few years you should

be sure to see the saints much thicker in the roll, more numerous,

wonder-working and mirific, more services, more vows, more staves and

wax-candles than are all those in the nine bishoprics of Britany, St. Yves

only excepted.  Consider, sir, I pray you, how the noble Patelin, having a

mind to deify and extol even to the third heavens the father of William

Josseaulme, said no more but this, And he did lend his goods to those who

were desirous of them.

O the fine saying!  Now let our microcosm be fancied conform to this model

in all its members; lending, borrowing, and owing, that is to say,

according to its own nature.  For nature hath not to any other end created

man, but to owe, borrow, and lend; no greater is the harmony amongst the

heavenly spheres than that which shall be found in its well-ordered policy.

The intention of the founder of this microcosm is, to have a soul therein

to be entertained, which is lodged there, as a guest with its host, (that)

it may live there for a while.  Life consisteth in blood, blood is the seat

of the soul; therefore the chiefest work of the microcosm is, to be making

blood continually.

At this forge are exercised all the members of the body; none is exempted

from labour, each operates apart, and doth its proper office.  And such is

their heirarchy, that perpetually the one borrows from the other, the one

lends the other, and the one is the other’s debtor.  The stuff and matter

convenient, which nature giveth to be turned into blood, is bread and wine.

All kind of nourishing victuals is understood to be comprehended in these

two, and from hence in the Gothish tongue is called companage.  To find out

this meat and drink, to prepare and boil it, the hands are put to work, the

feet do walk and bear up the whole bulk of the corporal mass; the eyes

guide and conduct all; the appetite in the orifice of the stomach, by means

of (a) little sourish black humour, called melancholy, which is transmitted

thereto from the milt, giveth warning to shut in the food.  The tongue doth

make the first essay, and tastes it; the teeth do chew it, and the stomach

doth receive, digest, and chylify it.  The mesaraic veins suck out of it

what is good and fit, leaving behind the excrements, which are, through

special conduits for that purpose, voided by an expulsive faculty.

Thereafter it is carried to the liver, where it being changed again, it by

the virtue of that new transmutation becomes blood.  What joy, conjecture

you, will then be found amongst those officers when they see this rivulet

of gold, which is their sole restorative?  No greater is the joy of

alchemists, when after long travail, toil, and expense they see in their

furnaces the transmutation.  Then is it that every member doth prepare

itself, and strive anew to purify and to refine this treasure.  The kidneys

through the emulgent veins draw that aquosity from thence which you call

urine, and there send it away through the ureters to be slipped downwards;

where, in a lower receptacle, and proper for it, to wit, the bladder, it is

kept, and stayeth there until an opportunity to void it out in his due

time.  The spleen draweth from the blood its terrestrial part, viz., the

grounds, lees, or thick substance settled in the bottom thereof, which you

term melancholy.  The bottle of the gall subtracts from thence all the

superfluous choler; whence it is brought to another shop or work-house to

be yet better purified and fined, that is, the heart, which by its

agitation of diastolic and systolic motions so neatly subtilizeth and

inflames it, that in the right side ventricle it is brought to perfection,

and through the veins is sent to all the members.  Each parcel of the body

draws it then unto itself, and after its own fashion is cherished and

alimented by it.  Feet, hands, thighs, arms, eyes, ears, back, breast, yea,

all; and then it is, that who before were lenders, now become debtors.  The

heart doth in its left side ventricle so thinnify the blood, that it

thereby obtains the name of spiritual; which being sent through the

arteries to all the members of the body, serveth to warm and winnow the

other blood which runneth through the veins.  The lights never cease with

its lappets and bellows to cool and refresh it, in acknowledgment of which

good the heart, through the arterial vein, imparts unto it the choicest of

its blood.  At last it is made so fine and subtle within the rete mirabile,

that thereafter those animal spirits are framed and composed of it, by

means whereof the imagination, discourse, judgment, resolution,

deliberation, ratiocination, and memory have their rise, actings, and

operations.

Cops body, I sink, I drown, I perish, I wander astray, and quite fly out of

myself when I enter into the consideration of the profound abyss of this

world, thus lending, thus owing.  Believe me, it is a divine thing to

lend,--to owe, an heroic virtue.  Yet is not this all.  This little world

thus lending, owing, and borrowing, is so good and charitable, that no

sooner is the above-specified alimentation finished, but that it forthwith

projecteth, and hath already forecast, how it shall lend to those who are

not as yet born, and by that loan endeavour what it may to eternize itself,

and multiply in images like the pattern, that is, children.  To this end

every member doth of the choicest and most precious of its nourishment pare

and cut off a portion, then instantly despatcheth it downwards to that

place where nature hath prepared for it very fit vessels and receptacles,

through which descending to the genitories by long ambages, circuits, and

flexuosities, it receiveth a competent form, and rooms apt enough both in

man and woman for the future conservation and perpetuating of human kind.

All this is done by loans and debts of the one unto the other; and hence

have we this word, the debt of marriage.  Nature doth reckon pain to the

refuser, with a most grievous vexation to his members and an outrageous

fury amidst his senses.  But, on the other part, to the lender a set

reward, accompanied with pleasure, joy, solace, mirth, and merry glee.

Chapter 3.V.

How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and borrowers.

I understand you very well, quoth Pantagruel, and take you to be very good

at topics, and thoroughly affectioned to your own cause.  But preach it up,

and patrocinate it, prattle on it, and defend it as much as you will, even

from hence to the next Whitsuntide, if you please so to do, yet in the end

you will be astonished to find how you shall have gained no ground at all

upon me, nor persuaded me by your fair speeches and smooth talk to enter

never so little into the thraldom of debt.  You shall owe to none, saith

the holy Apostle, anything save love, friendship, and a mutual benevolence.

You serve me here, I confess, with fine graphides and diatyposes,

descriptions and figures, which truly please me very well.  But let me tell

you, if you will represent unto your fancy an impudent blustering bully and

an importunate borrower, entering afresh and newly into a town already

advertised of his manners, you shall find that at his ingress the citizens

will be more hideously affrighted and amazed, and in a greater terror and

fear, dread, and trembling, than if the pest itself should step into it in

the very same garb and accoutrement wherein the Tyanean philosopher found

it within the city of Ephesus.  And I am fully confirmed in the opinion,

that the Persians erred not when they said that the second vice was to lie,

the first being that of owing money.  For, in very truth, debts and lying

are ordinarily joined together.  I will nevertheless not from hence infer

that none must owe anything or lend anything.  For who so rich can be that

sometimes may not owe, or who can be so poor that sometimes may not lend?

Let the occasion, notwithstanding, in that case, as Plato very wisely

sayeth and ordaineth in his laws, be such that none be permitted to draw

any water out of his neighbour’s well until first they by continual digging

and delving into their own proper ground shall have hit upon a kind of

potter’s earth, which is called ceramite, and there had found no source or

drop of water; for that sort of earth, by reason of its substance, which is

fat, strong, firm, and close, so retaineth its humidity, that it doth not

easily evaporate it by any outward excursion or evaporation.

In good sooth, it is a great shame to choose rather to be still borrowing

in all places from everyone, than to work and win.  Then only in my

judgment should one lend, when the diligent, toiling, and industrious

person is no longer able by his labour to make any purchase unto himself,

or otherwise, when by mischance he hath suddenly fallen into an unexpected

loss of his goods.

Howsoever, let us leave this discourse, and from henceforwards do not hang

upon creditors, nor tie yourself to them.  I make account for the time past

to rid you freely of them, and from their bondage to deliver you.  The

least I should in this point, quoth Panurge, is to thank you, though it be

the most I can do.  And if gratitude and thanksgiving be to be estimated

and prized by the affection of the benefactor, that is to be done

infinitely and sempiternally; for the love which you bear me of your own

accord and free grace, without any merit of mine, goeth far beyond the

reach of any price or value.  It transcends all weight, all number, all

measure; it is endless and everlasting; therefore, should I offer to

commensurate and adjust it, either to the size and proportion of your own

noble and gracious deeds, or yet to the contentment and delight of the

obliged receivers, I would come off but very faintly and flaggingly.  You

have verily done me a great deal of good, and multiplied your favours on me

more frequently than was fitting to one of my condition.  You have been

more bountiful towards me than I have deserved, and your courtesies have by

far surpassed the extent of my merits, I must needs confess it.  But it is

not, as you suppose, in the proposed matter.  For there it is not where I

itch, it is not there where it fretteth, hurts, or vexeth me; for,

henceforth being quit and out of debt, what countenance will I be able to

keep?  You may imagine that it will become me very ill for the first month,

because I have never hitherto been brought up or accustomed to it.  I am

very much afraid of it.  Furthermore, there shall not one hereafter, native

of the country of Salmigondy, but he shall level the shot towards my nose.

All the back-cracking fellows of the world, in discharging of their postern

petarades, use commonly to say, Voila pour les quittes, that is, For the

quit.  My life will be of very short continuance, I do foresee it.  I

recommend to you the making of my epitaph; for I perceive I will die

confected in the very stench of farts.  If, at any time to come, by way of

restorative to such good women as shall happen to be troubled with the

grievous pain of the wind-colic, the ordinary medicaments prove nothing

effectual, the mummy of all my befarted body will straight be as a present

remedy appointed by the physicians; whereof they, taking any small modicum,

it will incontinently for their ease afford them a rattle of bumshot, like

a sal of muskets.

Therefore would I beseech you to leave me some few centuries of debts; as

King Louis the Eleventh, exempting from suits in law the Reverend Miles

d’Illiers, Bishop of Chartres, was by the said bishop most earnestly

solicited to leave him some few for the exercise of his mind.  I had rather

give them all my revenue of the periwinkles, together with the other

incomes of the locusts, albeit I should not thereby have any parcel abated

from off the principal sums which I owe.  Let us waive this matter, quoth

Pantagruel, I have told it you over again.

Chapter 3.VI.

Why new married men were privileged from going to the wars.

But, in the interim, asked Panurge, by what law was it constituted,

ordained, and established, that such as should plant a new vineyard, those

that should build a new house, and the new married men, should be exempted

and discharged from the duty of warfare for the first year?  By the law,

answered Pantagruel, of Moses.  Why, replied Panurge, the lately married?

As for the vine-planters, I am now too old to reflect on them; my

condition, at this present, induceth me to remain satisfied with the care

of vintage, finishing and turning the grapes into wine.  Nor are these

pretty new builders of dead stones written or pricked down in my Book of

Life.  It is all with live stones that I set up and erect the fabrics of my

architecture, to wit, men.  It was, according to my opinion, quoth

Pantagruel, to the end, first, that the fresh married folks should for the

first year reap a full and complete fruition of their pleasures in their

mutual exercise of the act of love, in such sort, that in waiting more at

leisure on the production of posterity and propagating of their progeny,

they might the better increase their race and make provision of new heirs.

That if, in the years thereafter, the men should, upon their undergoing of

some military adventure, happen to be killed, their names and coats-of-arms

might continue with their children in the same families.  And next, that,

the wives thereby coming to know whether they were barren or fruitful--for

one year’s trial, in regard of the maturity of age wherein of old they

married, was held sufficient for the discovery--they might pitch the more

suitably, in case of their first husband’s decease, upon a second match.

The fertile women to be wedded to those who desire to multiply their issue;

and the sterile ones to such other mates, as, misregarding the storing of

their own lineage, choose them only for their virtues, learning, genteel

behaviour, domestic consolation, management of the house, and matrimonial

conveniences and comforts, and such like.  The preachers of Varennes, saith

Panurge, detest and abhor the second marriages, as altogether foolish and

dishonest.

Foolish and dishonest? quoth Pantagruel.  A plague take such preachers!

Yea but, quoth Panurge, the like mischief also befall the Friar Charmer,

who, in a full auditory making a sermon at Pereilly, and therein

abominating the reiteration of marriage and the entering again in the bonds

of a nuptial tie, did swear and heartily give himself to the swiftest devil

in hell, if he had not rather choose, and would much more willingly

undertake the unmaidening or depucelating of a hundred virgins, than the

simple drudgery of one widow.  Truly I find your reason in that point right

good and strongly grounded.

But what would you think, if the cause why this exemption or immunity was

granted had no other foundation but that, during the whole space of the

said first year, they so lustily bobbed it with their female consorts, as

both reason and equity require they should do, that they had drained and

evacuated their spermatic vessels; and were become thereby altogether

feeble, weak, emasculated, drooping, and flaggingly pithless; yea, in such

sort that they in the day of battle, like ducks which plunge over head and

ears, would sooner hide themselves behind the baggage, than, in the company

of valiant fighters and daring military combatants, appear where stern

Bellona deals her blows and moves a bustling noise of thwacks and thumps?

Nor is it to be thought that, under the standard of Mars, they will so much

as once strike a fair stroke, because their most considerable knocks have

been already jerked and whirrited within the curtains of his sweetheart

Venus.

In confirmation whereof, amongst other relics and monuments of antiquity,

we now as yet often see, that in all great houses, after the expiring of

some few days, these young married blades are readily sent away to visit

their uncles, that in the absence of their wives reposing themselves a

little they may recover their decayed strength by the recruit of a fresh

supply, the more vigorous to return again and face about to renew the

duelling shock and conflict of an amorous dalliance, albeit for the greater

part they have neither uncle nor aunt to go to.

Just so did the King Crackart, after the battle of the Cornets, not cashier

us (speaking properly), I mean me and the Quail-caller, but for our

refreshment remanded us to our houses; and he is as yet seeking after his

own.  My grandfather’s godmother was wont to say to me when I was a boy,--

  Patenostres et oraisons

  Sont pour ceux-la, qui les retiennent.

  Ung fiffre en fenaisons

  Est plus fort que deux qui en viennent.

  Not orisons nor patenotres

  Shall ever disorder my brain.

  One cadet, to the field as he flutters,

  Is worth two, when they end the campaign.

That which prompteth me to that opinion is, that the vine-planters did

seldom eat of the grapes, or drink of the wine of their labour, till the

first year was wholly elapsed.  During all which time also the builders did

hardly inhabit their new-structured dwelling-places, for fear of dying

suffocated through want of respiration; as Galen hath most learnedly

remarked, in the second book of the Difficulty of Breathing.  Under favour,

sir, I have not asked this question without cause causing and reason truly

very ratiocinant.  Be not offended, I pray you.

Chapter 3.VII.

How Panurge had a flea in his ear, and forbore to wear any longer his

magnificent codpiece.

Panurge, the day thereafter, caused pierce his right ear after the Jewish

fashion, and thereto clasped a little gold ring, of a ferny-like kind of

workmanship, in the beazil or collet whereof was set and enchased a flea;

and, to the end you may be rid of all doubts, you are to know that the flea

was black.  O, what a brave thing it is, in every case and circumstance of

a matter, to be thoroughly well informed!  The sum of the expense hereof,

being cast up, brought in, and laid down upon his council-board carpet, was

found to amount to no more quarterly than the charge of the nuptials of a

Hircanian tigress; even, as you would say, 600,000 maravedis.  At these

vast costs and excessive disbursements, as soon as he perceived himself to

be out of debt, he fretted much; and afterwards, as tyrants and lawyers use

to do, he nourished and fed her with the sweat and blood of his subjects

and clients.

He then took four French ells of a coarse brown russet cloth, and therein

apparelling himself, as with a long, plain-seamed, and single-stitched

gown, left off the wearing of his breeches, and tied a pair of spectacles

to his cap.  In this equipage did he present himself before Pantagruel; to

whom this disguise appeared the more strange, that he did not, as before,

see that goodly, fair, and stately codpiece, which was the sole anchor of

hope wherein he was wonted to rely, and last refuge he had midst all the

waves and boisterous billows which a stormy cloud in a cross fortune would

raise up against him.  Honest Pantagruel, not understanding the mystery,

asked him, by way of interrogatory, what he did intend to personate in that

new-fangled prosopopoeia.  I have, answered Panurge, a flea in mine ear,

and have a mind to marry.  In a good time, quoth Pantagruel, you have told

me joyful tidings.  Yet would not I hold a red-hot iron in my hand for all

the gladness of them.  But it is not the fashion of lovers to be accoutred

in such dangling vestments, so as to have their shirts flagging down over

their knees, without breeches, and with a long robe of a dark brown mingled

hue, which is a colour never used in Talarian garments amongst any persons

of honour, quality, or virtue.  If some heretical persons and schismatical

sectaries have at any time formerly been so arrayed and clothed (though

many have imputed such a kind of dress to cosenage, cheat, imposture, and

an affectation of tyranny upon credulous minds of the rude multitude), I

will nevertheless not blame them for it, nor in that point judge rashly or

sinistrously of them.  Everyone overflowingly aboundeth in his own sense

and fancy; yea, in things of a foreign consideration, altogether

extrinsical and indifferent, which in and of themselves are neither

commendable nor bad, because they proceed not from the interior of the

thoughts and heart, which is the shop of all good and evil; of goodness, if

it be upright, and that its affections be regulated by the pure and clean

spirit of righteousness; and, on the other side, of wickedness, if its

inclinations, straying beyond the bounds of equity, be corrupted and

depraved by the malice and suggestions of the devil.  It is only the

novelty and new-fangledness thereof which I dislike, together with the

contempt of common custom and the fashion which is in use.

The colour, answered Panurge, is convenient, for it is conform to that

of my council-board carpet; therefore will I henceforth hold me with it,

and more narrowly and circumspectly than ever hitherto I have done look to

my affairs and business.  Seeing I am once out of debt, you never yet saw

man more unpleasing than I will be, if God help me not.  Lo, here be my

spectacles.  To see me afar off, you would readily say that it were Friar

(John) Burgess.  I believe certainly that in the next ensuing year I shall

once more preach the Crusade.  Bounce, buckram.  Do you see this russet?

Doubt not but there lurketh under it some hid property and occult virtue

known to very few in the world.  I did not take it on before this morning,

and, nevertheless, am already in a rage of lust, mad after a wife, and

vehemently hot upon untying the codpiece-point; I itch, I tingle, I

wriggle, and long exceedingly to be married, that, without the danger of

cudgel-blows, I may labour my female copes-mate with the hard push of a

bull-horned devil.  O the provident and thrifty husband that I then will

be!  After my death, with all honour and respect due to my frugality, will

they burn the sacred bulk of my body, of purpose to preserve the ashes

thereof, in memory of the choicest pattern that ever was of a perfectly

wary and complete householder.  Cops body, this is not the carpet whereon

my treasurer shall be allowed to play false in his accounts with me, by

setting down an X for a V, or an L for an S.  For in that case should I

make a hail of fisticuffs to fly into his face.  Look upon me, sir, both

before and behind,--it is made after the manner of a toga, which was the

ancient fashion of the Romans in time of peace.  I took the mode, shape,

and form thereof in Trajan’s Column at Rome, as also in the Triumphant Arch

of Septimus Severus.  I am tired of the wars, weary of wearing buff-coats,

cassocks, and hoquetons.  My shoulders are pitifully worn and bruised with

the carrying of harness.  Let armour cease, and the long robe bear sway!

At least it must be so for the whole space of the succeeding year, if I be

married; as yesterday, by the Mosaic law, you evidenced.  In what

concerneth the breeches, my great-aunt Laurence did long ago tell me, that

the breeches were only ordained for the use of the codpiece, and to no

other end; which I, upon a no less forcible consequence, give credit to

every whit, as well as to the saying of the fine fellow Galen, who in his

ninth book, Of the Use and Employment of our Members, allegeth that the

head was made for the eyes.  For nature might have placed our heads in our

knees or elbows, but having beforehand determined that the eyes should

serve to discover things from afar, she for the better enabling them to

execute their designed office, fixed them in the head, as on the top of a

long pole, in the most eminent part of all the body--no otherwise than we

see the phares, or high towers erected in the mouths of havens, that

navigators may the further off perceive with ease the lights of the nightly

fires and lanterns.  And because I would gladly, for some short while, a

year at least, take a little rest and breathing time from the toilsome

labour of the military profession, that is to say, be married, I have

desisted from wearing any more a codpiece, and consequently have laid aside

my breeches.  For the codpiece is the principal and most especial piece of

armour that a warrior doth carry; and therefore do I maintain even to the

fire (exclusively, understand you me), that no Turks can properly be said

to be armed men, in regard that codpieces are by their law forbidden to be

worn.

Chapter 3.VIII.

Why the codpiece is held to be the chief piece of armour amongst warriors.

Will you maintain, quoth Pantagruel, that the codpiece is the chief piece

of a military harness?  It is a new kind of doctrine, very paradoxical; for

we say, At spurs begins the arming of a man.  Sir, I maintain it, answered

Panurge, and not wrongfully do I maintain it.  Behold how nature, having a

fervent desire, after its production of plants, trees, shrubs, herbs,

sponges, and plant-animals, to eternize and continue them unto all

succession of ages (in their several kinds or sorts, at least, although the

individuals perish) unruinable, and in an everlasting being, hath most

curiously armed and fenced their buds, sprouts, shoots, and seeds, wherein

the above-mentioned perpetuity consisteth, by strengthening, covering,

guarding, and fortifying them with an admirable industry, with husks,

cases, scurfs and swads, hulls, cods, stones, films, cartels, shells, ears,

rinds, barks, skins, ridges, and prickles, which serve them instead of

strong, fair, and natural codpieces.  As is manifestly apparent in pease,

beans, fasels, pomegranates, peaches, cottons, gourds, pumpions, melons,

corn, lemons, almonds, walnuts, filberts, and chestnuts; as likewise in all

plants, slips, or sets whatsoever, wherein it is plainly and evidently

seen, that the sperm and semence is more closely veiled, overshadowed,

corroborated, and thoroughly harnessed, than any other part, portion, or

parcel of the whole.

Nature, nevertheless, did not after that manner provide for the

sempiternizing of (the) human race; but, on the contrary, created man

naked, tender, and frail, without either offensive or defensive arms; and

that in the estate of innocence, in the first age of all, which was the

golden season; not as a plant, but living creature, born for peace, not

war, and brought forth into the world with an unquestionable right and

title to the plenary fruition and enjoyment of all fruits and vegetables,

as also to a certain calm and gentle rule and dominion over all kinds of

beasts, fowls, fishes, reptiles, and insects.  Yet afterwards it happening

in the time of the iron age, under the reign of Jupiter, when, to the

multiplication of mischievous actions, wickedness and malice began to take

root and footing within the then perverted hearts of men, that the earth

began to bring forth nettles, thistles, thorns, briars, and such other

stubborn and rebellious vegetables to the nature of man.  Nor scarce was

there any animal which by a fatal disposition did not then revolt from him,

and tacitly conspire and covenant with one another to serve him no longer,

nor, in case of their ability to resist, to do him any manner of obedience,

but rather, to the uttermost of their power, to annoy him with all the hurt

and harm they could.  The man, then, that he might maintain his primitive

right and prerogative, and continue his sway and dominion over all, both

vegetable and sensitive creatures, and knowing of a truth that he could not

be well accommodated as he ought without the servitude and subjection of

several animals, bethought himself that of necessity he must needs put on

arms, and make provision of harness against wars and violence.  By the holy

Saint Babingoose, cried out Pantagruel, you are become, since the last

rain, a great lifrelofre,--philosopher, I should say.  Take notice, sir,

quoth Panurge, when Dame Nature had prompted him to his own arming, what

part of the body it was, where, by her inspiration, he clapped on the first

harness.  It was forsooth by the double pluck of my little dog the ballock

and good Senor Don Priapos Stabo-stando--which done, he was content, and

sought no more.  This is certified by the testimony of the great Hebrew

captain (and) philosopher Moses, who affirmeth that he fenced that member

with a brave and gallant codpiece, most exquisitely framed, and by right

curious devices of a notably pregnant invention made up and composed of

fig-tree leaves, which by reason of their solid stiffness, incisory

notches, curled frizzling, sleeked smoothness, large ampleness, together

with their colour, smell, virtue, and faculty, were exceeding proper and

fit for the covering and arming of the satchels of generation--the

hideously big Lorraine cullions being from thence only excepted, which,

swaggering down to the lowermost bottom of the breeches, cannot abide, for

being quite out of all order and method, the stately fashion of the high

and lofty codpiece; as is manifest by the noble Valentine Viardiere, whom I

found at Nancy, on the first day of May--the more flauntingly to

gallantrize it afterwards--rubbing his ballocks, spread out upon a table

after the manner of a Spanish cloak.  Wherefore it is, that none should

henceforth say, who would not speak improperly, when any country bumpkin

hieth to the wars, Have a care, my roister, of the wine-pot, that is, the

skull, but, Have a care, my roister, of the milk-pot, that is, the

testicles.  By the whole rabble of the horned fiends of hell, the head

being cut off, that single person only thereby dieth.  But, if the ballocks

be marred, the whole race of human kind would forthwith perish, and be lost

for ever.

This was the motive which incited the goodly writer Galen, Lib. 1. De

Spermate, to aver with boldness that it were better, that is to say, a less

evil, to have no heart at all than to be quite destitute of genitories; for

there is laid up, conserved, and put in store, as in a secessive repository

and sacred warehouse, the semence and original source of the whole

offspring of mankind.  Therefore would I be apt to believe, for less than a

hundred francs, that those are the very same stones by means whereof

Deucalion and Pyrrha restored the human race, in peopling with men and

women the world, which a little before that had been drowned in the

overflowing waves of a poetical deluge.  This stirred up the valiant

Justinian, L. 4. De Cagotis tollendis, to collocate his Summum Bonum, in

Braguibus, et Braguetis.  For this and other causes, the Lord Humphrey de

Merville, following of his king to a certain warlike expedition, whilst he

was in trying upon his own person a new suit of armour, for of his old

rusty harness he could make no more use, by reason that some few years

since the skin of his belly was a great way removed from his kidneys, his

lady thereupon, in the profound musing of a contemplative spirit, very

maturely considering that he had but small care of the staff of love and

packet of marriage, seeing he did no otherwise arm that part of the body

than with links of mail, advised him to shield, fence, and gabionate it

with a big tilting helmet which she had lying in her closet, to her

otherwise utterly unprofitable.  On this lady were penned these subsequent

verses, which are extant in the third book of the Shitbrana of Paltry

Wenches.

  When Yoland saw her spouse equipp’d for fight,

  And, save the codpiece, all in armour dight,

  My dear, she cried, why, pray, of all the rest

  Is that exposed, you know I love the best?

  Was she to blame for an ill-managed fear,--

  Or rather pious, conscionable care?

  Wise lady, she!  In hurlyburly fight,

  Can any tell where random blows may light?

Leave off then, sir, from being astonished, and wonder no more at this new

manner of decking and trimming up of myself as you now see me.

Chapter 3.IX.

How Panurge asketh counsel of Pantagruel whether he should marry, yea, or

no.

To this Pantagruel replying nothing, Panurge prosecuted the discourse he

had already broached, and therewithal fetching, as from the bottom of his

heart, a very deep sigh, said, My lord and master, you have heard the

design I am upon, which is to marry, if by some disastrous mischance all

the holes in the world be not shut up, stopped, closed, and bushed.  I

humbly beseech you, for the affection which of a long time you have borne

me, to give me your best advice therein.  Then, answered Pantagruel, seeing

you have so decreed, taken deliberation thereon, and that the matter is

fully determined, what need is there of any further talk thereof, but

forthwith to put it into execution what you have resolved?  Yea but, quoth

Panurge, I would be loth to act anything therein without your counsel had

thereto.  It is my judgment also, quoth Pantagruel, and I advise you to it.

Nevertheless, quoth Panurge, if I understood aright that it were much

better for me to remain a bachelor as I am, than to run headlong upon new

hairbrained undertakings of conjugal adventure, I would rather choose not

to marry.  Quoth Pantagruel, Then do not marry.  Yea but, quoth Panurge,

would you have me so solitarily drive out the whole course of my life,

without the comfort of a matrimonial consort?  You know it is written, Vae

soli! and a single person is never seen to reap the joy and solace that is

found with married folks.  Then marry, in the name of God, quoth

Pantagruel.  But if, quoth Panurge, my wife should make me a cuckold--as it

is not unknown unto you, how this hath been a very plentiful year in the

production of that kind of cattle--I would fly out, and grow impatient

beyond all measure and mean.  I love cuckolds with my heart, for they seem

unto me to be of a right honest conversation, and I truly do very willingly

frequent their company; but should I die for it, I would not be one of

their number.  That is a point for me of a too sore prickling point.  Then

do not marry, quoth Pantagruel, for without all controversy this sentence

of Seneca is infallibly true, What thou to others shalt have done, others

will do the like to thee.  Do you, quoth Panurge, aver that without all

exception?  Yes, truly, quoth Pantagruel, without all exception.  Ho, ho,

says Panurge, by the wrath of a little devil, his meaning is, either in

this world or in the other which is to come.  Yet seeing I can no more want

a wife than a blind man his staff--(for) the funnel must be in agitation,

without which manner of occupation I cannot live--were it not a great deal

better for me to apply and associate myself to some one honest, lovely, and

virtuous woman, than as I do, by a new change of females every day, run a

hazard of being bastinadoed, or, which is worse, of the great pox, if not

of both together.  For never--be it spoken by their husbands’ leave and

favour--had I enjoyment yet of an honest woman.  Marry then, in God’s name,

quoth Pantagruel.  But if, quoth Panurge, it were the will of God, and that

my destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an honest woman who should beat

me, I would be stored with more than two third parts of the patience of

Job, if I were not stark mad by it, and quite distracted with such rugged

dealings.  For it hath been told me that those exceeding honest women have

ordinarily very wicked head-pieces; therefore is it that their family

lacketh not for good vinegar.  Yet in that case should it go worse with me,

if I did not then in such sort bang her back and breast, so thumpingly

bethwack her gillets, to wit, her arms, legs, head, lights, liver, and

milt, with her other entrails, and mangle, jag, and slash her coats so

after the cross-billet fashion that the greatest devil of hell should wait

at the gate for the reception of her damnel soul.  I could make a shift for

this year to waive such molestation and disquiet, and be content to lay

aside that trouble, and not to be engaged in it.

Do not marry then, answered Pantagruel.  Yea but, quoth Panurge,

considering the condition wherein I now am, out of debt and unmarried; mark

what I say, free from all debt, in an ill hour, for, were I deeply on the

score, my creditors would be but too careful of my paternity, but being

quit, and not married, nobody will be so regardful of me, or carry towards

me a love like that which is said to be in a conjugal affection.  And if by

some mishap I should fall sick, I would be looked to very waywardly.  The

wise man saith, Where there is no woman--I mean the mother of a family and

wife in the union of a lawful wedlock--the crazy and diseased are in danger

of being ill used and of having much brabbling and strife about them; as by

clear experience hath been made apparent in the persons of popes, legates,

cardinals, bishops, abbots, priors, priests, and monks; but there, assure

yourself, you shall not find me.  Marry then, in the name of God, answered

Pantagruel.  But if, quoth Panurge, being ill at ease, and possibly through

that distemper made unable to discharge the matrimonial duty that is

incumbent to an active husband, my wife, impatient of that drooping

sickness and faint-fits of a pining languishment, should abandon and

prostitute herself to the embraces of another man, and not only then not

help and assist me in my extremity and need, but withal flout at and make

sport of that my grievous distress and calamity; or peradventure, which is

worse, embezzle my goods and steal from me, as I have seen it oftentimes

befall unto the lot of many other men, it were enough to undo me utterly,

to fill brimful the cup of my misfortune, and make me play the mad-pate

reeks of Bedlam.  Do not marry then, quoth Pantagruel.  Yea but, said

Panurge, I shall never by any other means come to have lawful sons and

daughters, in whom I may harbour some hope of perpetuating my name and

arms, and to whom also I may leave and bequeath my inheritances and

purchased goods (of which latter sort you need not doubt but that in some

one or other of these mornings I will make a fair and goodly show), that so

I may cheer up and make merry when otherwise I should be plunged into a

peevish sullen mood of pensive sullenness, as I do perceive daily by the

gentle and loving carriage of your kind and gracious father towards you; as

all honest folks use to do at their own homes and private dwelling-houses.

For being free from debt, and yet not married, if casually I should fret

and be angry, although the cause of my grief and displeasure were never so

just, I am afraid, instead of consolation, that I should meet with nothing

else but scoffs, frumps, gibes, and mocks at my disastrous fortune.  Marry

then, in the name of God, quoth Pantagruel.

Chapter 3.X.

How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the difficulty of giving advice in

the matter of marriage; and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the

Homeric and Virgilian lotteries.

Your counsel, quoth Panurge, under your correction and favour, seemeth unto

me not unlike to the song of Gammer Yea-by-nay.  It is full of sarcasms,

mockeries, bitter taunts, nipping bobs, derisive quips, biting jerks, and

contradictory iterations, the one part destroying the other.  I know not,

quoth Pantagruel, which of all my answers to lay hold on; for your

proposals are so full of ifs and buts, that I can ground nothing on them,

nor pitch upon any solid and positive determination satisfactory to what is

demanded by them.  Are not you assured within yourself of what you have a

mind to?  The chief and main point of the whole matter lieth there.  All

the rest is merely casual, and totally dependeth upon the fatal disposition

of the heavens.

We see some so happy in the fortune of this nuptial encounter, that their

family shineth as it were with the radiant effulgency of an idea, model, or

representation of the joys of paradise; and perceive others, again, to be

so unluckily matched in the conjugal yoke, that those very basest of devils

which tempt the hermits that inhabit the deserts of Thebais and Montserrat

are not more miserable than they.  It is therefore expedient, seeing you

are resolved for once to take a trial of the state of marriage, that, with

shut eyes, bowing your head, and kissing the ground, you put the business

to a venture, and give it a fair hazard, in recommending the success of the

residue to the disposure of Almighty God.  It lieth not in my power to give

you any other manner of assurance, or otherwise to certify you of what

shall ensue on this your undertaking.  Nevertheless, if it please you, this

you may do.  Bring hither Virgil’s poems, that after having opened the

book, and with our fingers severed the leaves thereof three several times,

we may, according to the number agreed upon betwixt ourselves, explore the

future hap of your intended marriage.  For frequently by a Homeric lottery

have many hit upon their destinies; as is testified in the person of

Socrates, who, whilst he was in prison, hearing the recitation of this

verse of Homer, said of Achilles in the Ninth of the Iliads--

  Emati ke tritato Phthien eribolon ikoimen,

  We, the third day, to fertile Pthia came--

thereby foresaw that on the third subsequent day he was to die.  Of the

truth whereof he assured Aeschines; as Plato, in Critone, Cicero, in Primo,

de Divinatione, Diogenes Laertius, and others, have to the full recorded in

their works.  The like is also witnessed by Opilius Macrinus, to whom,

being desirous to know if he should be the Roman emperor, befell, by chance

of lot, this sentence in the Eighth of the Iliads--

  O geron, e mala de se neoi teirousi machetai,

  Ze de bin lelutai, chalepon de se geras opazei.

  Dotard, new warriors urge thee to be gone.

  Thy life decays, and old age weighs thee down.

In fact, he, being then somewhat ancient, had hardly enjoyed the

sovereignty of the empire for the space of fourteen months, when by

Heliogabalus, then both young and strong, he was dispossessed thereof,

thrust out of all, and killed.  Brutus doth also bear witness of another

experiment of this nature, who willing, through this exploratory way by

lot, to learn what the event and issue should be of the Pharsalian battle

wherein he perished, he casually encountered on this verse, said of

Patroclus in the Sixteenth of the Iliads--

  Alla me moir oloe, kai Letous ektanen uios.

  Fate, and Latona’s son have shot me dead.

And accordingly Apollo was the field-word in the dreadful day of that

fight.  Divers notable things of old have likewise been foretold and known

by casting of Virgilian lots; yea, in matters of no less importance than

the obtaining of the Roman empire, as it happened to Alexander Severus,

who, trying his fortune at the said kind of lottery, did hit upon this

verse written in the Sixth of the Aeneids--

  Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento.

  Know, Roman, that thy business is to reign.

He, within very few years thereafter, was effectually and in good earnest

created and installed Roman emperor.  A semblable story thereto is related

of Adrian, who, being hugely perplexed within himself out of a longing

humour to know in what account he was with the Emperor Trajan, and how

large the measure of that affection was which he did bear unto him, had

recourse, after the manner above specified, to the Maronian lottery, which

by haphazard tendered him these lines out of the Sixth of the Aeneids--

  Quis procul ille autem, ramis insignis olivae

  Sacra ferens?  Nosco crines incanaque menta

  Regis Romani.

  But who is he, conspicuous from afar,

  With olive boughs, that doth his offerings bear?

  By the white hair and beard I know him plain,

  The Roman king.

Shortly thereafter was he adopted by Trajan, and succeeded to him in the

empire.  Moreover, to the lot of the praiseworthy Emperor Claudius befell

this line of Virgil, written in the Sixth of his Aeneids--

  Tertia dum Latio regnantem viderit aestas.

  Whilst the third summer saw him reign, a king

  In Latium.

And in effect he did not reign above two years.  To the said Claudian also,

inquiring concerning his brother Quintilius, whom he proposed as a

colleague with himself in the empire, happened the response following in

the Sixth of the Aeneids--

  Ostendent terris hunc tantum fata.

    Whom Fate let us see,

  And would no longer suffer him to be.

And it so fell out; for he was killed on the seventeenth day after he had

attained unto the management of the imperial charge.  The very same lot,

also, with the like misluck, did betide the Emperor Gordian the younger.

To Claudius Albinus, being very solicitous to understand somewhat of his

future adventures, did occur this saying, which is written in the Sixth of

the Aeneids--

  Hic rem Romanam magno turbante tumultu

  Sistet Eques, &c.

  The Romans, boiling with tumultuous rage,

  This warrior shall the dangerous storm assuage:

  With victories he the Carthaginian mauls,

  And with strong hand shall crush the rebel Gauls.

Likewise, when the Emperor D. Claudius, Aurelian’s predecessor, did with

great eagerness research after the fate to come of his posterity, his hap

was to alight on this verse in the First of the Aeneids--

  Hic ego nec metas rerum, nec tempora pono.

  No bounds are to be set, no limits here.

Which was fulfilled by the goodly genealogical row of his race.  When Mr.

Peter Amy did in like manner explore and make trial if he should escape the

ambush of the hobgoblins who lay in wait all-to-bemaul him, he fell upon

this verse in the Third of the Aeneids--

  Heu! fuge crudeles terras, fuge littus avarum!

  Oh, flee the bloody land, the wicked shore!

Which counsel he obeying, safe and sound forthwith avoided all these

ambuscades.

Were it not to shun prolixity, I could enumerate a thousand such like

adventures, which, conform to the dictate and verdict of the verse, have by

that manner of lot-casting encounter befallen to the curious researchers of

them.  Do not you nevertheless imagine, lest you should be deluded, that I

would upon this kind of fortune-flinging proof infer an uncontrollable and

not to be gainsaid infallibility of truth.

Chapter 3.XI.

How Pantagruel showeth the trial of one’s fortune by the throwing of dice

to be unlawful.

It would be sooner done, quoth Panurge, and more expeditely, if we should

try the matter at the chance of three fair dice.  Quoth Pantagruel, That

sort of lottery is deceitful, abusive, illicitous, and exceedingly

scandalous.  Never trust in it.  The accursed book of the Recreation of

Dice was a great while ago excogitated in Achaia, near Bourre, by that

ancient enemy of mankind, the infernal calumniator, who, before the statue

or massive image of the Bourraic Hercules, did of old, and doth in several

places of the world as yet, make many simple souls to err and fall into his

snares.  You know how my father Gargantua hath forbidden it over all his

kingdoms and dominions; how he hath caused burn the moulds and draughts

thereof, and altogether suppressed, abolished, driven forth, and cast it

out of the land, as a most dangerous plague and infection to any

well-polished state or commonwealth.  What I have told you of dice, I say

the same of the play at cockall.  It is a lottery of the like guile and

deceitfulness; and therefore do not for convincing of me allege in

opposition to this my opinion, or bring in the example of the fortunate cast

of Tiberius, within the fountain of Aponus, at the oracle of Gerion. These

are the baited hooks by which the devil attracts and draweth unto him the

foolish souls of silly people into eternal perdition.

Nevertheless, to satisfy your humour in some measure, I am content you

throw three dice upon this table, that, according to the number of the

blots which shall happen to be cast up, we may hit upon a verse of that

page which in the setting open of the book you shall have pitched upon.

Have you any dice in your pocket?  A whole bagful, answered Panurge.  That

is provision against the devil, as is expounded by Merlin Coccaius, Lib.

2. De Patria Diabolorum.  The devil would be sure to take me napping, and

very much at unawares, if he should find me without dice.  With this, the

three dice being taken out, produced, and thrown, they fell so pat upon the

lower points that the cast was five, six, and five.  These are, quoth

Panurge, sixteen in all.  Let us take the sixteenth line of the page.  The

number pleaseth me very well; I hope we shall have a prosperous and happy

chance.  May I be thrown amidst all the devils of hell, even as a great

bowl cast athwart at a set of ninepins, or cannon-ball shot among a

battalion of foot, in case so many times I do not boult my future wife the

first night of our marriage!  Of that, forsooth, I make no doubt at all,

quoth Pantagruel.  You needed not to have rapped forth such a horrid

imprecation, the sooner to procure credit for the performance of so small a

business, seeing possibly the first bout will be amiss, and that you know

is usually at tennis called fifteen.  At the next justling turn you may

readily amend that fault, and so complete your reckoning of sixteen.  Is it

so, quoth Panurge, that you understand the matter?  And must my words be

thus interpreted?  Nay, believe me never yet was any solecism committed by

that valiant champion who often hath for me in Belly-dale stood sentry at

the hypogastrian cranny.  Did you ever hitherto find me in the

confraternity of the faulty?  Never, I trow; never, nor ever shall, for

ever and a day.  I do the feat like a goodly friar or father confessor,

without default.  And therein am I willing to be judged by the players.  He

had no sooner spoke these words than the works of Virgil were brought in.

But before the book was laid open, Panurge said to Pantagruel, My heart,

like the furch of a hart in a rut, doth beat within my breast.  Be pleased

to feel and grope my pulse a little on this artery of my left arm. At its

frequent rise and fall you would say that they swinge and belabour me after

the manner of a probationer, posed and put to a peremptory trial in the

examination of his sufficiency for the discharge of the learned duty of a

graduate in some eminent degree in the college of the Sorbonists.

But would you not hold it expedient, before we proceed any further, that we

should invocate Hercules and the Tenetian goddesses who in the chamber of

lots are said to rule, sit in judgment, and bear a presidential sway?

Neither him nor them, answered Pantagruel; only open up the leaves of the

book with your fingers, and set your nails awork.

Chapter 3.XII.

How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian lottery what fortune Panurge

shall have in his marriage.

Then at the opening of the book in the sixteenth row of the lines of the

disclosed page did Panurge encounter upon this following verse:

  Nec Deus hunc mensa, Dea nec dignata cubili est.

  The god him from his table banished,

  Nor would the goddess have him in her bed.

This response, quoth Pantagruel, maketh not very much for your benefit or

advantage; for it plainly signifies and denoteth that your wife shall be a

strumpet, and yourself by consequence a cuckold.  The goddess, whom you

shall not find propitious nor favourable unto you, is Minerva, a most

redoubtable and dreadful virgin, a powerful and fulminating goddess, an

enemy to cuckolds and effeminate youngsters, to cuckold-makers and

adulterers.  The god is Jupiter, a terrible and thunder-striking god from

heaven.  And withal it is to be remarked, that, conform to the doctrine of

the ancient Etrurians, the manubes, for so did they call the darting hurls

or slinging casts of the Vulcanian thunderbolts, did only appertain to her

and to Jupiter her father capital.  This was verified in the conflagration

of the ships of Ajax Oileus, nor doth this fulminating power belong to any

other of the Olympic gods.  Men, therefore, stand not in such fear of them.

Moreover, I will tell you, and you may take it as extracted out of the

profoundest mysteries of mythology, that, when the giants had enterprised

the waging of a war against the power of the celestial orbs, the gods at

first did laugh at those attempts, and scorned such despicable enemies, who

were, in their conceit, not strong enough to cope in feats of warfare with

their pages; but when they saw by the gigantine labour the high hill Pelion

set on lofty Ossa, and that the mount Olympus was made shake to be erected

on the top of both, then was it that Jupiter held a parliament, or general

convention, wherein it was unanimously resolved upon and condescended to by

all the gods, that they should worthily and valiantly stand to their

defence.  And because they had often seen battles lost by the cumbersome

lets and disturbing encumbrances of women confusedly huddled in amongst

armies, it was at that time decreed and enacted that they should expel and

drive out of heaven into Egypt and the confines of Nile that whole crew of

goddesses, disguised in the shapes of weasels, polecats, bats, shrew-mice,

ferrets, fulmarts, and other such like odd transformations; only Minerva

was reserved to participate with Jupiter in the horrific fulminating power,

as being the goddess both of war and learning, of arts and arms, of counsel

and despatch--a goddess armed from her birth, a goddess dreaded in heaven,

in the air, by sea and land.  By the belly of Saint Buff, quoth Panurge,

should I be Vulcan, whom the poet blazons?  Nay, I am neither a cripple,

coiner of false money, nor smith, as he was.  My wife possibly will be as

comely and handsome as ever was his Venus, but not a whore like her, nor I

a cuckold like him.  The crook-legged slovenly slave made himself to be

declared a cuckold by a definite sentence and judgment, in the open view of

all the gods.  For this cause ought you to interpret the afore-mentioned

verse quite contrary to what you have said.  This lot importeth that my

wife will be honest, virtuous, chaste, loyal, and faithful; not armed,

surly, wayward, cross, giddy, humorous, heady, hairbrained, or extracted

out of the brains, as was the goddess Pallas; nor shall this fair jolly

Jupiter be my co-rival.  He shall never dip his bread in my broth, though

we should sit together at one table.

Consider his exploits and gallant actions.  He was the manifest ruffian,

wencher, whoremonger, and most infamous cuckold-maker that ever breathed.

He did always lecher it like a boar, and no wonder, for he was fostered by

a sow in the Isle of Candia, if Agathocles the Babylonian be not a liar,

and more rammishly lascivious than a buck; whence it is that he is said by

others to have been suckled and fed with the milk of the Amalthaean goat.

By the virtue of Acheron, he justled, bulled, and lastauriated in one day

the third part of the world, beasts and people, floods and mountains; that

was Europa.  For this grand subagitatory achievement the Ammonians caused

draw, delineate, and paint him in the figure and shape of a ram ramming,

and horned ram.  But I know well enough how to shield and preserve myself

from that horned champion.  He will not, trust me, have to deal in my

person with a sottish, dunsical Amphitryon, nor with a silly witless Argus,

for all his hundred spectacles, nor yet with the cowardly meacock Acrisius,

the simple goose-cap Lycus of Thebes, the doting blockhead Agenor, the

phlegmatic pea-goose Aesop, rough-footed Lycaon, the luskish misshapen

Corytus of Tuscany, nor with the large-backed and strong-reined Atlas.  Let

him alter, change, transform, and metamorphose himself into a hundred

various shapes and figures, into a swan, a bull, a satyr, a shower of gold,

or into a cuckoo, as he did when he unmaidened his sister Juno; into an

eagle, ram, or dove, as when he was enamoured of the virgin Phthia, who

then dwelt in the Aegean territory; into fire, a serpent, yea, even into a

flea; into Epicurean and Democratical atoms, or, more

Magistronostralistically, into those sly intentions of the mind, which in

the schools are called second notions,--I’ll catch him in the nick, and

take him napping.  And would you know what I would do unto him?  Even that

which to his father Coelum Saturn did--Seneca foretold it of me, and

Lactantius hath confirmed it--what the goddess Rhea did to Athis.  I would

make him two stone lighter, rid him of his Cyprian cymbals, and cut so

close and neatly by the breech, that there shall not remain thereof so much

as one--, so cleanly would I shave him, and disable him for ever from being

Pope, for Testiculos non habet.  Hold there, said Pantagruel; ho, soft and

fair, my lad!  Enough of that,--cast up, turn over the leaves, and try your

fortune for the second time.  Then did he fall upon this ensuing verse:

  Membra quatit, gelidusque coit formidine sanguis.

  His joints and members quake, he becomes pale,

  And sudden fear doth his cold blood congeal.

This importeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she will soundly bang your back and

belly.  Clean and quite contrary, answered Panurge; it is of me that he

prognosticates, in saying that I will beat her like a tiger if she vex me.

Sir Martin Wagstaff will perform that office, and in default of a cudgel,

the devil gulp him, if I should not eat her up quick, as Candaul the Lydian

king did his wife, whom he ravened and devoured.

You are very stout, says Pantagruel, and courageous; Hercules himself durst

hardly adventure to scuffle with you in this your raging fury.  Nor is it

strange; for the Jan is worth two, and two in fight against Hercules are

too too strong.  Am I a Jan? quoth Panurge.  No, no, answered Pantagruel.

My mind was only running upon the lurch and tricktrack.  Thereafter did he

hit, at the third opening of the book, upon this verse:

  Foemineo praedae, et spoliorum ardebat amore.

  After the spoil and pillage, as in fire,

  He burnt with a strong feminine desire.

This portendeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she will steal your goods, and rob

you.  Hence this, according to these three drawn lots, will be your future

destiny, I clearly see it,--you will be a cuckold, you will be beaten, and

you will be robbed.  Nay, it is quite otherwise, quoth Panurge; for it is

certain that this verse presageth that she will love me with a perfect

liking.  Nor did the satyr-writing poet lie in proof hereof, when he

affirmed that a woman, burning with extreme affection, takes sometimes

pleasure to steal from her sweetheart.  And what, I pray you?  A glove, a

point, or some such trifling toy of no importance, to make him keep a

gentle kind of stirring in the research and quest thereof.  In like manner,

these small scolding debates and petty brabbling contentions, which

frequently we see spring up and for a certain space boil very hot betwixt a

couple of high-spirited lovers, are nothing else but recreative diversions

for their refreshment, spurs to and incentives of a more fervent amity than

ever.  As, for example, we do sometimes see cutlers with hammers maul their

finest whetstones, therewith to sharpen their iron tools the better.  And

therefore do I think that these three lots make much for my advantage;

which, if not, I from their sentence totally appeal.  There is no

appellation, quoth Pantagruel, from the decrees of fate or destiny, of lot

or chance; as is recorded by our ancient lawyers, witness Baldus, Lib. ult.

Cap. de Leg.  The reason hereof is, Fortune doth not acknowledge a

superior, to whom an appeal may be made from her or any of her substitutes.

And in this case the pupil cannot be restored to his right in full, as

openly by the said author is alleged in L. Ait Praetor, paragr. ult. ff. de

minor.

Chapter 3.XIII.

How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his

marriage by dreams.

Now, seeing we cannot agree together in the manner of expounding or

interpreting the sense of the Virgilian lots, let us bend our course

another way, and try a new sort of divination.  Of what kind? asked

Panurge.  Of a good ancient and authentic fashion, answered Pantagruel; it

is by dreams.  For in dreaming, such circumstances and conditions being

thereto adhibited, as are clearly enough described by Hippocrates, in Lib.

Peri ton enupnion, by Plato, Plotin, Iamblicus, Sinesius, Aristotle,

Xenophon, Galen, Plutarch, Artemidorus, Daldianus, Herophilus, Q. Calaber,

Theocritus, Pliny, Athenaeus, and others, the soul doth oftentimes foresee

what is to come.  How true this is, you may conceive by a very vulgar and

familiar example; as when you see that at such a time as suckling babes,

well nourished, fed, and fostered with good milk, sleep soundly and

profoundly, the nurses in the interim get leave to sport themselves, and

are licentiated to recreate their fancies at what range to them shall seem

most fitting and expedient, their presence, sedulity, and attendance on

the cradle being, during all that space, held unnecessary.  Even just so,

when our body is at rest, that the concoction is everywhere accomplished,

and that, till it awake, it lacks for nothing, our soul delighteth to

disport itself and is well pleased in that frolic to take a review of its

native country, which is the heavens, where it receiveth a most notable

participation of its first beginning with an imbuement from its divine

source, and in contemplation of that infinite and intellectual sphere,

whereof the centre is everywhere, and the circumference in no place of the

universal world, to wit, God, according to the doctrine of Hermes

Trismegistus, to whom no new thing happeneth, whom nothing that is past

escapeth, and unto whom all things are alike present, remarketh not only

what is preterit and gone in the inferior course and agitation of sublunary

matters, but withal taketh notice what is to come; then bringing a relation

of those future events unto the body of the outward senses and exterior

organs, it is divulged abroad unto the hearing of others.  Whereupon the

owner of that soul deserveth to be termed a vaticinator, or prophet.

Nevertheless, the truth is, that the soul is seldom able to report those

things in such sincerity as it hath seen them, by reason of the

imperfection and frailty of the corporeal senses, which obstruct the

effectuating of that office; even as the moon doth not communicate unto

this earth of ours that light which she receiveth from the sun with so much

splendour, heat, vigour, purity, and liveliness as it was given her.  Hence

it is requisite for the better reading, explaining, and unfolding of these

somniatory vaticinations and predictions of that nature, that a dexterous,

learned, skilful, wise, industrious, expert, rational, and peremptory

expounder or interpreter be pitched upon, such a one as by the Greeks is

called onirocrit, or oniropolist.  For this cause Heraclitus was wont to

say that nothing is by dreams revealed to us, that nothing is by dreams

concealed from us, and that only we thereby have a mystical signification

and secret evidence of things to come, either for our own prosperous or

unlucky fortune, or for the favourable or disastrous success of another.

The sacred Scriptures testify no less, and profane histories assure us of

it, in both which are exposed to our view a thousand several kinds of

strange adventures, which have befallen pat according to the nature of the

dream, and that as well to the party dreamer as to others.  The Atlantic

people, and those that inhabit the (is)land of Thasos, one of the Cyclades,

are of this grand commodity deprived; for in their countries none yet ever

dreamed.  Of this sort (were) Cleon of Daulia, Thrasymedes, and in our days

the learned Frenchman Villanovanus, neither of all which knew what dreaming

was.

Fail not therefore to-morrow, when the jolly and fair Aurora with her rosy

fingers draweth aside the curtains of the night to drive away the sable

shades of darkness, to bend your spirits wholly to the task of sleeping

sound, and thereto apply yourself.  In the meanwhile you must denude your

mind of every human passion or affection, such as are love and hatred, fear

and hope, for as of old the great vaticinator, most famous and renowned

prophet Proteus, was not able in his disguise or transformation into fire,

water, a tiger, a dragon, and other such like uncouth shapes and visors, to

presage anything that was to come till he was restored to his own first

natural and kindly form; just so doth man; for, at his reception of the art

of divination and faculty of prognosticating future things, that part in

him which is the most divine, to wit, the Nous, or Mens, must be calm,

peaceable, untroubled, quiet, still, hushed, and not embusied or distracted

with foreign, soul-disturbing perturbations.  I am content, quoth Panurge.

But, I pray you, sir, must I this evening, ere I go to bed, eat much or

little?  I do not ask this without cause.  For if I sup not well, large,

round, and amply, my sleeping is not worth a forked turnip.  All the night

long I then but doze and rave, and in my slumbering fits talk idle

nonsense, my thoughts being in a dull brown study, and as deep in their

dumps as is my belly hollow.

Not to sup, answered Pantagruel, were best for you, considering the state

of your complexion and healthy constitution of your body.  A certain very

ancient prophet, named Amphiaraus, wished such as had a mind by dreams to

be imbued with any oracle, for four-and-twenty hours to taste no victuals,

and to abstain from wine three days together.  Yet shall not you be put to

such a sharp, hard, rigorous, and extreme sparing diet.  I am truly right

apt to believe that a man whose stomach is replete with various cheer, and

in a manner surfeited with drinking, is hardly able to conceive aright of

spiritual things; yet am not I of the opinion of those who, after long and

pertinacious fastings, think by such means to enter more profoundly into

the speculation of celestial mysteries.  You may very well remember how my

father Gargantua (whom here for honour sake I name) hath often told us that

the writings of abstinent, abstemious, and long-fasting hermits were every

whit as saltless, dry, jejune, and insipid as were their bodies when they

did compose them.  It is a most difficult thing for the spirits to be in a

good plight, serene and lively, when there is nothing in the body but a

kind of voidness and inanity; seeing the philosophers with the physicians

jointly affirm that the spirits which are styled animal spring from, and

have their constant practice in and through the arterial blood, refined and

purified to the life within the admirable net which, wonderfully framed,

lieth under the ventricles and tunnels of the brain.  He gave us also the

example of the philosopher who, when he thought most seriously to have

withdrawn himself unto a solitary privacy, far from the rustling

clutterments of the tumultuous and confused world, the better to improve

his theory, to contrive, comment, and ratiocinate, was, notwithstanding his

uttermost endeavours to free himself from all untoward noises, surrounded

and environed about so with the barking of curs, bawling of mastiffs,

bleating of sheep, prating of parrots, tattling of jackdaws, grunting of

swine, girning of boars, yelping of foxes, mewing of cats, cheeping of

mice, squeaking of weasels, croaking of frogs, crowing of cocks, cackling

of hens, calling of partridges, chanting of swans, chattering of jays,

peeping of chickens, singing of larks, creaking of geese, chirping of

swallows, clucking of moorfowls, cucking of cuckoos, bumbling of bees,

rammage of hawks, chirming of linnets, croaking of ravens, screeching of

owls, whicking of pigs, gushing of hogs, curring of pigeons, grumbling of

cushat-doves, howling of panthers, curkling of quails, chirping of

sparrows, crackling of crows, nuzzing of camels, wheening of whelps,

buzzing of dromedaries, mumbling of rabbits, cricking of ferrets, humming

of wasps, mioling of tigers, bruzzing of bears, sussing of kitlings,

clamouring of scarfs, whimpering of fulmarts, booing of buffaloes, warbling

of nightingales, quavering of mavises, drintling of turkeys, coniating of

storks, frantling of peacocks, clattering of magpies, murmuring of

stock-doves, crouting of cormorants, cigling of locusts, charming of

beagles, guarring of puppies, snarling of messens, rantling of rats,

guerieting of apes, snuttering of monkeys, pioling of pelicans, quacking of

ducks, yelling of wolves, roaring of lions, neighing of horses, crying of

elephants, hissing of serpents, and wailing of turtles, that he was much

more troubled than if he had been in the middle of the crowd at the fair of

Fontenay or Niort.  Just so is it with those who are tormented with the

grievous pangs of hunger.  The stomach begins to gnaw, and bark, as it were,

the eyes to look dim, and the veins, by greedily sucking some refection to

themselves from the proper substance of all the members of a fleshy

consistence, violently pull down and draw back that vagrant, roaming spirit,

careless and neglecting of his nurse and natural host, which is the body; as

when a hawk upon the fist, willing to take her flight by a soaring aloft in

the open spacious air, is on a sudden drawn back by a leash tied to her

feet.

To this purpose also did he allege unto us the authority of Homer, the

father of all philosophy, who said that the Grecians did not put an end to

their mournful mood for the death of Patroclus, the most intimate friend of

Achilles, till hunger in a rage declared herself, and their bellies

protested to furnish no more tears unto their grief.  For from bodies

emptied and macerated by long fasting there could not be such supply of

moisture and brackish drops as might be proper on that occasion.

Mediocrity at all times is commendable; nor in this case are you to abandon

it.  You may take a little supper, but thereat must you not eat of a hare,

nor of any other flesh.  You are likewise to abstain from beans, from the

preak, by some called the polyp, as also from coleworts, cabbage, and all

other such like windy victuals, which may endanger the troubling of your

brains and the dimming or casting a kind of mist over your animal spirits.

For, as a looking-glass cannot exhibit the semblance or representation of

the object set before it, and exposed to have its image to the life

expressed, if that the polished sleekedness thereof be darkened by gross

breathings, dampish vapours, and foggy, thick, infectious exhalations, even

so the fancy cannot well receive the impression of the likeness of those

things which divination doth afford by dreams, if any way the body be

annoyed or troubled with the fumish steam of meat which it had taken in a

while before; because betwixt these two there still hath been a mutual

sympathy and fellow-feeling of an indissolubly knit affection.  You shall

eat good Eusebian and Bergamot pears, one apple of the short-shank pippin

kind, a parcel of the little plums of Tours, and some few cherries of the

growth of my orchard.  Nor shall you need to fear that thereupon will ensue

doubtful dreams, fallacious, uncertain, and not to be trusted to, as by

some peripatetic philosophers hath been related; for that, say they, men do

more copiously in the season of harvest feed on fruitages than at any other

time.  The same is mystically taught us by the ancient prophets and poets,

who allege that all vain and deceitful dreams lie hid and in covert under

the leaves which are spread on the ground--by reason that the leaves fall

from the trees in the autumnal quarter.  For the natural fervour which,

abounding in ripe, fresh, recent fruits, cometh by the quickness of its

ebullition to be with ease evaporated into the animal parts of the dreaming

person--the experiment is obvious in most--is a pretty while before it be

expired, dissolved, and evanished.  As for your drink, you are to have it

of the fair, pure water of my fountain.

The condition, quoth Panurge, is very hard.  Nevertheless, cost what price

it will, or whatsoever come of it, I heartily condescend thereto;

protesting that I shall to-morrow break my fast betimes after my somniatory

exercitations.  Furthermore, I recommend myself to Homer’s two gates, to

Morpheus, to Iselon, to Phantasus, and unto Phobetor.  If they in this my

great need succour me and grant me that assistance which is fitting, I will

in honour of them all erect a jolly, genteel altar, composed of the softest

down.  If I were now in Laconia, in the temple of Juno, betwixt Oetile and

Thalamis, she suddenly would disentangle my perplexity, resolve me of my

doubts, and cheer me up with fair and jovial dreams in a deep sleep.

Then did he say thus unto Pantagruel:  Sir, were it not expedient for my

purpose to put a branch or two of curious laurel betwixt the quilt and

bolster of my bed, under the pillow on which my head must lean?  There is

no need at all of that, quoth Pantagruel; for, besides that it is a thing

very superstitious, the cheat thereof hath been at large discovered unto us

in the writings of Serapion, Ascalonites, Antiphon, Philochorus, Artemon,

and Fulgentius Planciades.  I could say as much to you of the left shoulder

of a crocodile, as also of a chameleon, without prejudice be it spoken to

the credit which is due to the opinion of old Democritus; and likewise of

the stone of the Bactrians, called Eumetrides, and of the Ammonian horn;

for so by the Aethiopians is termed a certain precious stone, coloured like

gold, and in the fashion, shape, form, and proportion of a ram’s horn, as

the horn of Jupiter Ammon is reported to have been:  they over and above

assuredly affirming that the dreams of those who carry it about them are no

less veritable and infallible than the truth of the divine oracles.  Nor is

this much unlike to what Homer and Virgil wrote of these two gates of

sleep, to which you have been pleased to recommend the management of what

you have in hand.  The one is of ivory, which letteth in confused,

doubtful, and uncertain dreams; for through ivory, how small and slender

soever it be, we can see nothing, the density, opacity, and close

compactedness of its material parts hindering the penetration of the visual

rays and the reception of the specieses of such things as are visible.  The

other is of horn, at which an entry is made to sure and certain dreams,

even as through horn, by reason of the diaphanous splendour and bright

transparency thereof, the species of all objects of the sight distinctly

pass, and so without confusion appear, that they are clearly seen.  Your

meaning is, and you would thereby infer, quoth Friar John, that the dreams

of all horned cuckolds, of which number Panurge, by the help of God and his

future wife, is without controversy to be one, are always true and

infallible.

Chapter 3.XIV.

Panurge’s dream, with the interpretation thereof.

At seven o’clock of the next following morning Panurge did not fail to

present himself before Pantagruel, in whose chamber were at that time

Epistemon, Friar John of the Funnels, Ponocrates, Eudemon, Carpalin, and

others, to whom, at the entry of Panurge, Pantagruel said, Lo! here cometh

our dreamer.  That word, quoth Epistemon, in ancient times cost very much,

and was dearly sold to the children of Jacob.  Then said Panurge, I have

been plunged into my dumps so deeply, as if I had been lodged with Gaffer

Noddy-cap.  Dreamed indeed I have, and that right lustily; but I could take

along with me no more thereof that I did goodly understand save only that I

in my vision had a pretty, fair, young, gallant, handsome woman, who no

less lovingly and kindly treated and entertained me, hugged, cherished,

cockered, dandled, and made much of me, as if I had been another neat

dilly-darling minion, like Adonis.  Never was man more glad than I was

then; my joy at that time was incomparable.  She flattered me, tickled me,

stroked me, groped me, frizzled me, curled me, kissed me, embraced me, laid

her hands about my neck, and now and then made jestingly pretty little

horns above my forehead.  I told her in the like disport, as I did play the

fool with her, that she should rather place and fix them in a little below

mine eyes, that I might see the better what I should stick at with them;

for, being so situated, Momus then would find no fault therewith, as he did

once with the position of the horns of bulls.  The wanton, toying girl,

notwithstanding any remonstrance of mine to the contrary, did always drive

and thrust them further in; yet thereby, which to me seemed wonderful, she

did not do me any hurt at all.  A little after, though I know not how, I

thought I was transformed into a tabor, and she into a chough.

My sleeping there being interrupted, I awaked in a start, angry,

displeased, perplexed, chafing, and very wroth.  There have you a large

platterful of dreams, make thereupon good cheer, and, if you please, spare

not to interpret them according to the understanding which you may have in

them.  Come, Carpalin, let us to breakfast.  To my sense and meaning, quoth

Pantagruel, if I have skill or knowledge in the art of divination by

dreams, your wife will not really, and to the outward appearance of the

world, plant or set horns, and stick them fast in your forehead, after a

visible manner, as satyrs use to wear and carry them; but she will be so

far from preserving herself loyal in the discharge and observance of a

conjugal duty, that, on the contrary, she will violate her plighted faith,

break her marriage-oath, infringe all matrimonial ties, prostitute her body

to the dalliance of other men, and so make you a cuckold.  This point is

clearly and manifestly explained and expounded by Artemidorus just as I

have related it.  Nor will there be any metamorphosis or transmutation made

of you into a drum or tabor, but you will surely be as soundly beaten as

ever was tabor at a merry wedding.  Nor yet will she be changed into a

chough, but will steal from you, chiefly in the night, as is the nature of

that thievish bird.  Hereby may you perceive your dreams to be in every jot

conform and agreeable to the Virgilian lots.  A cuckold you will be, beaten

and robbed.  Then cried out Father John with a loud voice, He tells the

truth; upon my conscience, thou wilt be a cuckold--an honest one, I warrant

thee.  O the brave horns that will be borne by thee!  Ha, ha, ha!  Our good

Master de Cornibus.  God save thee, and shield thee!  Wilt thou be pleased

to preach but two words of a sermon to us, and I will go through the parish

church to gather up alms for the poor.

You are, quoth Panurge, very far mistaken in your interpretation; for the

matter is quite contrary to your sense thereof.  My dream presageth that I

shall by marriage be stored with plenty of all manner of goods--the

hornifying of me showing that I will possess a cornucopia, that Amalthaean

horn which is called the horn of abundance, whereof the fruition did still

portend the wealth of the enjoyer.  You possibly will say that they are

rather like to be satyr’s horns; for you of these did make some mention.

Amen, Amen, Fiat, fiatur, ad differentiam papae.  Thus shall I have my

touch-her-home still ready.  My staff of love, sempiternally in a good

case, will, satyr-like, be never toiled out--a thing which all men wish

for, and send up their prayers to that purpose, but such a thing as

nevertheless is granted but to a few.  Hence doth it follow by a

consequence as clear as the sunbeams that I will never be in the danger of

being made a cuckold, for the defect hereof is Causa sine qua non; yea, the

sole cause, as many think, of making husbands cuckolds.  What makes poor

scoundrel rogues to beg, I pray you?  Is it not because they have not

enough at home wherewith to fill their bellies and their pokes?  What is it

makes the wolves to leave the woods?  Is it not the want of flesh meat?

What maketh women whores?  You understand me well enough.  And herein may I

very well submit my opinion to the judgment of learned lawyers, presidents,

counsellors, advocates, procurers, attorneys, and other glossers and

commentators on the venerable rubric, De frigidis et maleficiatis.  You

are, in truth, sir, as it seems to me (excuse my boldness if I have

transgressed), in a most palpable and absurd error to attribute my horns to

cuckoldry.  Diana wears them on her head after the manner of a crescent.

Is she a cucquean for that?  How the devil can she be cuckolded who never

yet was married?  Speak somewhat more correctly, I beseech you, lest she,

being offended, furnish you with a pair of horns shapen by the pattern of

those which she made for Actaeon.  The goodly Bacchus also carries horns,

--Pan, Jupiter Ammon, with a great many others.  Are they all cuckolds?  If

Jove be a cuckold, Juno is a whore.  This follows by the figure metalepsis:

as to call a child, in the presence of his father and mother, a bastard, or

whore’s son, is tacitly and underboard no less than if he had said openly

the father is a cuckold and his wife a punk.  Let our discourse come nearer

to the purpose.  The horns that my wife did make me are horns of abundance,

planted and grafted in my head for the increase and shooting up of all good

things.  This will I affirm for truth, upon my word, and pawn my faith and

credit both upon it.  As for the rest, I will be no less joyful, frolic,

glad, cheerful, merry, jolly, and gamesome, than a well-bended tabor in the

hands of a good drummer at a nuptial feast, still making a noise, still

rolling, still buzzing and cracking.  Believe me, sir, in that consisteth

none of my least good fortunes.  And my wife will be jocund, feat, compt,

neat, quaint, dainty, trim, tricked up, brisk, smirk, and smug, even as a

pretty little Cornish chough.  Who will not believe this, let hell or the

gallows be the burden of his Christmas carol.

I remark, quoth Pantagruel, the last point or particle which you did speak

of, and, having seriously conferred it with the first, find that at the

beginning you were delighted with the sweetness of your dream; but in the

end and final closure of it you startingly awaked, and on a sudden were

forthwith vexed in choler and annoyed.  Yea, quoth Panurge, the reason of

that was because I had fasted too long.  Flatter not yourself, quoth

Pantagruel; all will go to ruin.  Know for a certain truth, that every

sleep that endeth with a starting, and leaves the person irksome, grieved,

and fretting, doth either signify a present evil, or otherwise presageth

and portendeth a future imminent mishap.  To signify an evil, that is to

say, to show some sickness hardly curable, a kind of pestilentious or

malignant boil, botch, or sore, lying and lurking hid, occult, and latent

within the very centre of the body, which many times doth by the means of

sleep, whose nature is to reinforce and strengthen the faculty and virtue

of concoction, being according to the theorems of physic to declare itself,

and moves toward the outward superficies.  At this sad stirring is the

sleeper’s rest and ease disturbed and broken, whereof the first feeling and

stinging smart admonisheth that he must patiently endure great pain and

trouble, and thereunto provide some remedy; as when we say proverbially, to

incense hornets, to move a stinking puddle, and to awake a sleeping lion,

instead of these more usual expressions, and of a more familiar and plain

meaning, to provoke angry persons, to make a thing the worse by meddling

with it, and to irritate a testy choleric man when he is at quiet.  On the

other part, to presage or foretell an evil, especially in what concerneth

the exploits of the soul in matter of somnial divinations, is as much to

say as that it giveth us to understand that some dismal fortune or

mischance is destinated and prepared for us, which shortly will not fail to

come to pass.  A clear and evident example hereof is to be found in the

dream and dreadful awaking of Hecuba, as likewise in that of Eurydice, the

wife of Orpheus, neither of which was (no) sooner finished, saith Ennius,

but that incontinently thereafter they awaked in a start, and were

affrighted horribly.  Thereupon these accidents ensued:  Hecuba had her

husband Priamus, together with her children, slain before her eyes, and saw

then the destruction of her country; and Eurydice died speedily thereafter

in a most miserable manner.  Aeneas, dreaming that he spoke to Hector a

little after his decease, did on a sudden in a great start awake, and was

afraid.  Now hereupon did follow this event:  Troy that same night was

spoiled, sacked, and burnt.  At another time the same Aeneas dreaming that

he saw his familiar geniuses and penates, in a ghastly fright and

astonishment awaked, of which terror and amazement the issue was, that the

very next day subsequent, by a most horrible tempest on the sea, he was

like to have perished and been cast away.  Moreover, Turnus being prompted,

instigated, and stirred up by the fantastic vision of an infernal fury to

enter into a bloody war against Aeneas, awaked in a start much troubled and

disquieted in spirit; in sequel whereof, after many notable and famous

routs, defeats, and discomfitures in open field, he came at last to be

killed in a single combat by the said Aeneas.  A thousand other instances I

could afford, if it were needful, of this matter.  Whilst I relate these

stories of Aeneas, remark the saying of Fabius Pictor, who faithfully

averred that nothing had at any time befallen unto, was done, or

enterprised by him, whereof he preallably had not notice, and beforehand

foreseen it to the full, by sure predictions altogether founded on the

oracles of somnial divination.  To this there is no want of pregnant

reasons, no more than of examples.  For if repose and rest in sleeping be a

special gift and favour of the gods, as is maintained by the philosophers,

and by the poet attested in these lines,

  Then sleep, that heavenly gift, came to refresh

  Of human labourers the wearied flesh;

such a gift or benefit can never finish or terminate in wrath and

indignation without portending some unlucky fate and most disastrous

fortune to ensue.  Otherwise it were a molestation, and not an ease; a

scourge, and not a gift; at least, (not) proceeding from the gods above,

but from the infernal devils our enemies, according to the common vulgar

saying.

Suppose the lord, father, or master of a family, sitting at a very

sumptuous dinner, furnished with all manner of good cheer, and having at

his entry to the table his appetite sharp set upon his victuals, whereof

there was great plenty, should be seen rise in a start, and on a sudden

fling out of his chair, abandoning his meat, frighted, appalled, and in a

horrid terror, who should not know the cause hereof would wonder, and be

astonished exceedingly.  But what? he heard his male servants cry, Fire,

fire, fire, fire! his serving-maids and women yell, Stop thief, stop thief!

and all his children shout as loud as ever they could, Murder, O murder,

murder!  Then was it not high time for him to leave his banqueting, for

application of a remedy in haste, and to give speedy order for succouring

of his distressed household?  Truly I remember that the Cabalists and

Massorets, interpreters of the sacred Scriptures, in treating how with

verity one might judge of evangelical apparitions (because oftentimes the

angel of Satan is disguised and transfigured into an angel of light), said

that the difference of these two mainly did consist in this:  the

favourable and comforting angel useth in his appearing unto man at first to

terrify and hugely affright him, but in the end he bringeth consolation,

leaveth the person who hath seen him joyful, well-pleased, fully content,

and satisfied; on the other side, the angel of perdition, that wicked,

devilish, and malignant spirit, at his appearance unto any person in the

beginning cheereth up the heart of his beholder, but at last forsakes him,

and leaves him troubled, angry, and perplexed.

Chapter 3.XV.

Panurge’s excuse and exposition of the monastic mystery concerning powdered

beef.

The Lord save those who see, and do not hear! quoth Panurge.  I see you

well enough, but know not what it is that you have said.  The

hunger-starved belly wanteth ears.  For lack of victuals, before God, I

roar, bray, yell, and fume as in a furious madness.  I have performed too

hard a task to-day, an extraordinary work indeed.  He shall be craftier, and

do far greater wonders than ever did Mr. Mush, who shall be able any more

this year to bring me on the stage of preparation for a dreaming verdict.

Fie! not to sup at all, that is the devil.  Pox take that fashion!  Come,

Friar John, let us go break our fast; for, if I hit on such a round

refection in the morning as will serve thoroughly to fill the mill-hopper

and hogs-hide of my stomach, and furnish it with meat and drink sufficient,

then at a pinch, as in the case of some extreme necessity which presseth, I

could make a shift that day to forbear dining.  But not to sup!  A plague

rot that base custom, which is an error offensive to Nature!  That lady made

the day for exercise, to travel, work, wait on and labour in each his

negotiation and employment; and that we may with the more fervency and

ardour prosecute our business, she sets before us a clear burning candle, to

wit, the sun’s resplendency; and at night, when she begins to take the light

from us, she thereby tacitly implies no less than if she would have spoken

thus unto us:  My lads and lasses, all of you are good and honest folks, you

have wrought well to-day, toiled and turmoiled enough,--the night

approacheth,--therefore cast off these moiling cares of yours, desist from

all your swinking painful labours, and set your minds how to refresh your

bodies in the renewing of their vigour with good bread, choice wine, and

store of wholesome meats; then may you take some sport and recreation, and

after that lie down and rest yourselves, that you may strongly, nimbly,

lustily, and with the more alacrity to-morrow attend on your affairs as

formerly.

Falconers, in like manner, when they have fed their hawks, will not suffer

them to fly on a full gorge, but let them on a perch abide a little, that

they may rouse, bait, tower, and soar the better.  That good pope who was

the first institutor of fasting understood this well enough; for he

ordained that our fast should reach but to the hour of noon; all the

remainder of that day was at our disposure, freely to eat and feed at any

time thereof.  In ancient times there were but few that dined, as you would

say, some church men, monks and canons; for they have little other

occupation.  Each day is a festival unto them, who diligently heed the

claustral proverb, De missa ad mensam.  They do not use to linger and defer

their sitting down and placing of themselves at table, only so long as they

have a mind in waiting for the coming of the abbot; so they fell to without

ceremony, terms, or conditions; and everybody supped, unless it were some

vain, conceited, dreaming dotard.  Hence was a supper called coena, which

showeth that it is common to all sorts of people.  Thou knowest it well,

Friar John.  Come, let us go, my dear friend, in the name of all the devils

of the infernal regions, let us go.  The gnawings of my stomach in this

rage of hunger are so tearing, that they make it bark like a mastiff.  Let

us throw some bread and beef into his throat to pacify him, as once the

sibyl did to Cerberus.  Thou likest best monastical brewis, the prime, the

flower of the pot.  I am for the solid, principal verb that comes after

--the good brown loaf, always accompanied with a round slice of the

nine-lecture-powdered labourer.  I know thy meaning, answered Friar John;

this metaphor is extracted out of the claustral kettle.  The labourer is the

ox that hath wrought and done the labour; after the fashion of nine

lectures, that is to say, most exquisitely well and thoroughly boiled.

These holy religious fathers, by a certain cabalistic institution of the

ancients, not written, but carefully by tradition conveyed from hand to

hand, rising betimes to go to morning prayers, were wont to flourish that

their matutinal devotion with some certain notable preambles before their

entry into the church, viz., they dunged in the dungeries, pissed in the

pisseries, spit in the spitteries, melodiously coughed in the cougheries,

and doted in their dotaries, that to the divine service they might not bring

anything that was unclean or foul.  These things thus done, they very

zealously made their repair to the Holy Chapel, for so was in their canting

language termed the convent kitchen, where they with no small earnestness

had care that the beef-pot should be put on the crook for the breakfast of

the religious brothers of our Lord and Saviour; and the fire they would

kindle under the pot themselves.  Now, the matins consisting of nine

lessons, (it) it was so incumbent on them, that must have risen the rather

for the more expedite despatching of them all.  The sooner that they rose,

the sharper was their appetite and the barkings of their stomachs, and the

gnawings increased in the like proportion, and consequently made these godly

men thrice more a-hungered and athirst than when their matins were hemmed

over only with three lessons.  The more betimes they rose, by the said

cabal, the sooner was the beef-pot put on; the longer that the beef was on

the fire, the better it was boiled; the more it boiled, it was the tenderer;

the tenderer that it was, the less it troubled the teeth, delighted more the

palate, less charged the stomach, and nourished our good religious men the

more substantially; which is the only end and prime intention of the first

founders, as appears by this, that they eat not to live, but live to eat,

and in this world have nothing but their life.  Let us go, Panurge.

Now have I understood thee, quoth Panurge, my plushcod friar, my caballine

and claustral ballock.  I freely quit the costs, interest, and charges,

seeing you have so egregiously commented upon the most especial chapter of

the culinary and monastic cabal.  Come along, my Carpalin, and you, Friar

John, my leather-dresser.  Good morrow to you all, my good lords; I have

dreamed too much to have so little.  Let us go.  Panurge had no sooner done

speaking than Epistemon with a loud voice said these words:  It is a very

ordinary and common thing amongst men to conceive, foresee, know, and

presage the misfortune, bad luck, or disaster of another; but to have the

understanding, providence, knowledge, and prediction of a man’s own mishap

is very scarce and rare to be found anywhere.  This is exceeding

judiciously and prudently deciphered by Aesop in his Apologues, who there

affirmeth that every man in the world carrieth about his neck a wallet, in

the fore-bag whereof were contained the faults and mischances of others

always exposed to his view and knowledge; and in the other scrip thereof,

which hangs behind, are kept the bearer’s proper transgressions and

inauspicious adventures, at no time seen by him, nor thought upon, unless

he be a person that hath a favourable aspect from the heavens.

Chapter 3.XVI.

How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to consult with the Sibyl of Panzoust.

A little while thereafter Pantagruel sent for Panurge and said unto him,

The affection which I bear you being now inveterate and settled in my mind

by a long continuance of time, prompteth me to the serious consideration of

your welfare and profit; in order whereto, remark what I have thought

thereon.  It hath been told me that at Panzoust, near Crouly, dwelleth a

very famous sibyl, who is endowed with the skill of foretelling all things

to come.  Take Epistemon in your company, repair towards her, and hear what

she will say unto you.  She is possibly, quoth Epistemon, some Canidia,

Sagana, or Pythonissa, either whereof with us is vulgarly called a witch,

--I being the more easily induced to give credit to the truth of this

character of her, that the place of her abode is vilely stained with the

abominable repute of abounding more with sorcerers and witches than ever

did the plains of Thessaly.  I should not, to my thinking, go thither

willingly, for that it seems to me a thing unwarrantable, and altogether

forbidden in the law of Moses.  We are not Jews, quoth Pantagruel, nor is

it a matter judiciously confessed by her, nor authentically proved by

others that she is a witch.  Let us for the present suspend our judgment,

and defer till after your return from thence the sifting and garbling of

those niceties.  Do we know but that she may be an eleventh sibyl or a

second Cassandra?  But although she were neither, and she did not merit the

name or title of any of these renowned prophetesses, what hazard, in the

name of God, do you run by offering to talk and confer with her of the

instant perplexity and perturbation of your thoughts?  Seeing especially,

and which is most of all, she is, in the estimation of those that are

acquainted with her, held to know more, and to be of a deeper reach of

understanding, than is either customary to the country wherein she liveth

or to the sex whereof she is.  What hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the

laudable desire of knowledge bring to any man, were it from a sot, a pot, a

fool, a stool, a winter mitten, a truckle for a pulley, the lid of a

goldsmith’s crucible, an oil-bottle, or old slipper?  You may remember to

have read, or heard at least, that Alexander the Great, immediately after

his having obtained a glorious victory over the King Darius in Arbela,

refused, in the presence of the splendid and illustrious courtiers that

were about him, to give audience to a poor certain despicable-like fellow,

who through the solicitations and mediation of some of his royal attendants

was admitted humbly to beg that grace and favour of him.  But sore did he

repent, although in vain, a thousand and ten thousand times thereafter, the

surly state which he then took upon him to the denial of so just a suit,

the grant whereof would have been worth unto him the value of a brace of

potent cities.  He was indeed victorious in Persia, but withal so far

distant from Macedonia, his hereditary kingdom, that the joy of the one did

not expel the extreme grief which through occasion of the other he had

inwardly conceived; for, not being able with all his power to find or

invent a convenient mean and expedient how to get or come by the certainty

of any news from thence, both by reason of the huge remoteness of the

places from one to another, as also because of the impeditive interposition

of many great rivers, the interjacent obstacle of divers wild deserts, and

obstructive interjection of sundry almost inaccessible mountains,--whilst

he was in this sad quandary and solicitous pensiveness, which, you may

suppose, could not be of a small vexation to him, considering that it was a

matter of no great difficulty to run over his whole native soil, possess

his country, seize on his kingdom, install a new king in the throne, and

plant thereon foreign colonies, long before he could come to have any

advertisement of it:  for obviating the jeopardy of so dreadful

inconveniency, and putting a fit remedy thereto, a certain Sidonian

merchant of a low stature but high fancy, very poor in show, and to the

outward appearance of little or no account, having presented himself before

him, went about to affirm and declare that he had excogitated and hit upon

a ready mean and way by the which those of his territories at home should

come to the certain notice of his Indian victories, and himself be

perfectly informed of the state and condition of Egypt and Macedonia within

less than five days.  Whereupon the said Alexander, plunged into a sullen

animadvertency of mind, through his rash opinion of the improbability of

performing a so strange and impossible-like undertaking, dismissed the

merchant without giving ear to what he had to say, and vilified him.  What

could it have cost him to hearken unto what the honest man had invented and

contrived for his good?  What detriment, annoyance, damage, or loss could

he have undergone to listen to the discovery of that secret which the good

fellow would have most willingly revealed unto him?  Nature, I am

persuaded, did not without a cause frame our ears open, putting thereto no

gate at all, nor shutting them up with any manner of enclosures, as she

hath done unto the tongue, the eyes, and other such out-jetting parts of

the body.  The cause, as I imagine, is to the end that every day and every

night, and that continually, we may be ready to hear, and by a perpetual

hearing apt to learn.  For, of all the senses, it is the fittest for the

reception of the knowledge of arts, sciences, and disciplines; and it may

be that man was an angel, that is to say, a messenger sent from God, as

Raphael was to Tobit.  Too suddenly did he contemn, despise, and misregard

him; but too long thereafter, by an untimely and too late repentance, did

he do penance for it.  You say very well, answered Epistemon, yet shall you

never for all that induce me to believe that it can tend any way to the

advantage or commodity of a man to take advice and counsel of a woman,

namely, of such a woman, and the woman of such a country.  Truly I have

found, quoth Panurge, a great deal of good in the counsel of women, chiefly

in that of the old wives amongst them; for every time I consult with them I

readily get a stool or two extraordinary, to the great solace of my bumgut

passage.  They are as sleuthhounds in the infallibility of their scent, and

in their sayings no less sententious than the rubrics of the law.

Therefore in my conceit it is not an improper kind of speech to call them

sage or wise women.  In confirmation of which opinion of mine, the

customary style of my language alloweth them the denomination of presage

women.  The epithet of sage is due unto them because they are surpassing

dexterous in the knowledge of most things.  And I give them the title of

presage, for that they divinely foresee and certainly foretell future

contingencies and events of things to come.  Sometimes I call them not

maunettes, but monettes, from their wholesome monitions.  Whether it be so,

ask Pythagoras, Socrates, Empedocles, and our master Ortuinus.  I

furthermore praise and commend above the skies the ancient memorable

institution of the pristine Germans, who ordained the responses and

documents of old women to be highly extolled, most cordially reverenced,

and prized at a rate in nothing inferior to the weight, test, and standard

of the sanctuary.  And as they were respectfully prudent in receiving of

these sound advices, so by honouring and following them did they prove no

less fortunate in the happy success of all their endeavours.  Witness the

old wife Aurinia, and the good mother Velled, in the days of Vespasian.

You need not any way doubt but that feminine old age is always fructifying

in qualities sublime--I would have said sibylline.  Let us go, by the help,

let us go, by the virtue of God, let us go.  Farewell, Friar John, I

recommend the care of my codpiece to you.  Well, quoth Epistemon, I will

follow you, with this protestation nevertheless, that if I happen to get a

sure information, or otherwise find that she doth use any kind of charm or

enchantment in her responses, it may not be imputed to me for a blame to

leave you at the gate of her house, without accompanying you any further

in.

Chapter 3.XVII.

How Panurge spoke to the Sibyl of Panzoust.

Their voyage was three days journeying.  On the third whereof was shown

unto them the house of the vaticinatress standing on the knap or top of a

hill, under a large and spacious walnut-tree.  Without great difficulty

they entered into that straw-thatched cottage, scurvily built, naughtily

movabled, and all besmoked.  It matters not, quoth Epistemon; Heraclitus,

the grand Scotist and tenebrous darksome philosopher, was nothing

astonished at his introit into such a coarse and paltry habitation; for he

did usually show forth unto his sectators and disciples that the gods made

as cheerfully their residence in these mean homely mansions as in sumptuous

magnific palaces, replenished with all manner of delight, pomp, and

pleasure.  I withal do really believe that the dwelling-place of the so

famous and renowned Hecate was just such another petty cell as this is,

when she made a feast therein to the valiant Theseus; and that of no other

better structure was the cot or cabin of Hyreus, or Oenopion, wherein

Jupiter, Neptune, and Mercury were not ashamed, all three together, to

harbour and sojourn a whole night, and there to take a full and hearty

repast; for the payment of the shot they thankfully pissed Orion.  They

finding the ancient woman at a corner of her own chimney, Epistemon said,

She is indeed a true sibyl, and the lively portrait of one represented by

the Grei kaminoi of Homer.  The old hag was in a pitiful bad plight and

condition in matter of the outward state and complexion of her body, the

ragged and tattered equipage of her person in the point of accoutrement,

and beggarly poor provision of fare for her diet and entertainment;

for she was ill apparelled, worse nourished, toothless, blear-eyed,

crook-shouldered, snotty, her nose still dropping, and herself still

drooping, faint, and pithless; whilst in this woefully wretched case she was

making ready for her dinner porridge of wrinkled green coleworts, with a bit

skin of yellow bacon, mixed with a twice-before-cooked sort of waterish,

unsavoury broth, extracted out of bare and hollow bones.  Epistemon said,

By the cross of a groat, we are to blame, nor shall we get from her any

response at all, for we have not brought along with us the branch of gold.

I have, quoth Panurge, provided pretty well for that, for here I have it

within my bag, in the substance of a gold ring, accompanied with some fair

pieces of small money.  No sooner were these words spoken, when Panurge

coming up towards her, after the ceremonial performance of a profound and

humble salutation, presented her with six neat’s tongues dried in the smoke,

a great butter-pot full of fresh cheese, a borachio furnished with good

beverage, and a ram’s cod stored with single pence, newly coined.  At last

he, with a low courtesy, put on her medical finger a pretty handsome golden

ring, whereinto was right artificially enchased a precious toadstone of

Beausse.  This done, in few words and very succinctly, did he set open and

expose unto her the motive reason of his coming, most civilly and

courteously entreating her that she might be pleased to vouchsafe to give

him an ample and plenary intelligence concerning the future good luck of his

intended marriage.

The old trot for a while remained silent, pensive, and grinning like a dog;

then, after she had set her withered breech upon the bottom of a bushel,

she took into her hands three old spindles, which when she had turned and

whirled betwixt her fingers very diversely and after several fashions, she

pried more narrowly into, by the trial of their points, the sharpest

whereof she retained in her hand, and threw the other two under a stone

trough.  After this she took a pair of yarn windles, which she nine times

unintermittedly veered and frisked about; then at the ninth revolution or

turn, without touching them any more, maturely perpending the manner of

their motion, she very demurely waited on their repose and cessation from

any further stirring.  In sequel whereof she pulled off one of her wooden

pattens, put her apron over her head, as a priest uses to do his amice when

he is going to sing mass, and with a kind of antique, gaudy, party-coloured

string knit it under her neck.  Being thus covered and muffled, she whiffed

off a lusty good draught out of the borachio, took three several pence

forth of the ramcod fob, put them into so many walnut-shells, which she set

down upon the bottom of a feather-pot, and then, after she had given them

three whisks of a broom besom athwart the chimney, casting into the fire

half a bavin of long heather, together with a branch of dry laurel, she

observed with a very hush and coy silence in what form they did burn, and

saw that, although they were in a flame, they made no kind of noise or

crackling din.  Hereupon she gave a most hideous and horribly dreadful

shout, muttering betwixt her teeth some few barbarous words of a strange

termination.

This so terrified Panurge that he forthwith said to Epistemon, The devil

mince me into a gallimaufry if I do not tremble for fear!  I do not think

but that I am now enchanted; for she uttereth not her voice in the terms of

any Christian language.  O look, I pray you, how she seemeth unto me to be

by three full spans higher than she was when she began to hood herself with

her apron.  What meaneth this restless wagging of her slouchy chaps?  What

can be the signification of the uneven shrugging of her hulchy shoulders?

To what end doth she quaver with her lips, like a monkey in the

dismembering of a lobster?  My ears through horror glow; ah! how they

tingle!  I think I hear the shrieking of Proserpina; the devils are

breaking loose to be all here.  O the foul, ugly, and deformed beasts!  Let

us run away!  By the hook of God, I am like to die for fear!  I do not love

the devils; they vex me, and are unpleasant fellows.  Now let us fly, and

betake us to our heels.  Farewell, gammer; thanks and gramercy for your

goods!  I will not marry; no, believe me, I will not.  I fairly quit my

interest therein, and totally abandon and renounce it from this time

forward, even as much as at present.  With this, as he endeavoured to make

an escape out of the room, the old crone did anticipate his flight and make

him stop.  The way how she prevented him was this:  whilst in her hand she

held the spindle, she flung out to a back-yard close by her lodge, where,

after she had peeled off the barks of an old sycamore three several times,

she very summarily, upon eight leaves which dropped from thence, wrote with

the spindle-point some curt and briefly-couched verses, which she threw

into the air, then said unto them, Search after them if you will; find them

if you can; the fatal destinies of your marriage are written in them.

No sooner had she done thus speaking than she did withdraw herself unto her

lurking-hole, where on the upper seat of the porch she tucked up her gown,

her coats, and smock, as high as her armpits, and gave them a full

inspection of the nockandroe; which being perceived by Panurge, he said to

Epistemon, God’s bodikins, I see the sibyl’s hole!  She suddenly then

bolted the gate behind her, and was never since seen any more.  They

jointly ran in haste after the fallen and dispersed leaves, and gathered

them at last, though not without great labour and toil, for the wind had

scattered them amongst the thorn-bushes of the valley.  When they had

ranged them each after other in their due places, they found out their

sentence, as it is metrified in this octastich:

  Thy fame upheld

  (Properly, as corrected by Ozell:

  Thy fame will be shell’d

    By her, I trow.),

    Even so, so:

  And she with child

    Of thee:  No.

  Thy good end

    Suck she shall,

  And flay thee, friend,

    But not all.

Chapter 3.XVIII.

How Pantagruel and Panurge did diversely expound the verses of the Sibyl of

Panzoust.

The leaves being thus collected and orderly disposed, Epistemon and Panurge

returned to Pantagruel’s court, partly well pleased and other part

discontented; glad for their being come back, and vexed for the trouble

they had sustained by the way, which they found to be craggy, rugged,

stony, rough, and ill-adjusted.  They made an ample and full relation of

their voyage unto Pantagruel, as likewise of the estate and condition of

the sibyl.  Then, having presented to him the leaves of the sycamore, they

show him the short and twattle verses that were written in them.

Pantagruel, having read and considered the whole sum and substance of the

matter, fetched from his heart a deep and heavy sigh; then said to Panurge,

You are now, forsooth, in a good taking, and have brought your hogs to a

fine market.  The prophecy of the sibyl doth explain and lay out before us

the same very predictions which have been denoted, foretold, and presaged

to us by the decree of the Virgilian lots and the verdict of your own

proper dreams, to wit, that you shall be very much disgraced, shamed, and

discredited by your wife; for that she will make you a cuckold in

prostituting herself to others, being big with child by another than you,

--will steal from you a great deal of your goods, and will beat you, scratch

and bruise you, even to plucking the skin in a part from off you,--will

leave the print of her blows in some member of your body.  You understand

as much, answered Panurge, in the veritable interpretation and expounding

of recent prophecies as a sow in the matter of spicery.  Be not offended,

sir, I beseech you, that I speak thus boldly; for I find myself a little in

choler, and that not without cause, seeing it is the contrary that is true.

Take heed, and give attentive ear unto my words.  The old wife said that,

as the bean is not seen till first it be unhusked, and that its swad or

hull be shelled and peeled from off it, so is it that my virtue and

transcendent worth will never come by the mouth of fame to be blazed abroad

proportionable to the height, extent, and measure of the excellency

thereof, until preallably I get a wife and make the full half of a married

couple.  How many times have I heard you say that the function of a

magistrate, or office of dignity, discovereth the merits, parts, and

endowments of the person so advanced and promoted, and what is in him.

That is to say, we are then best able to judge aright of the deservings of

a man when he is called to the management of affairs; for when before he

lived in a private condition, we could have no more certain knowledge of

him than of a bean within his husk.  And thus stands the first article

explained; otherwise, could you imagine that the good fame, repute, and

estimation of an honest man should depend upon the tail of a whore?

Now to the meaning of the second article!  My wife will be with child,

--here lies the prime felicity of marriage,--but not of me.  Copsody, that I

do believe indeed!  It will be of a pretty little infant.  O how heartily I

shall love it!  I do already dote upon it; for it will be my dainty feedle-

darling, my genteel dilly-minion.  From thenceforth no vexation, care, or

grief shall take such deep impression in my heart, how hugely great or

vehement soever it otherwise appear, but that it shall evanish forthwith at

the sight of that my future babe, and at the hearing of the chat and

prating of its childish gibberish.  And blessed be the old wife.  By my

truly, I have a mind to settle some good revenue or pension upon her out of

the readiest increase of the lands of my Salmigondinois; not an inconstant

and uncertain rent-seek, like that of witless, giddy-headed bachelors, but

sure and fixed, of the nature of the well-paid incomes of regenting

doctors.  If this interpretation doth not please you, think you my wife

will bear me in her flanks, conceive with me, and be of me delivered, as

women use in childbed to bring forth their young ones; so as that it may be

said, Panurge is a second Bacchus, he hath been twice born; he is re-born,

as was Hippolytus,--as was Proteus, one time of Thetis, and secondly, of

the mother of the philosopher Apollonius,--as were the two Palici, near the

flood Simaethos in Sicily.  His wife was big of child with him.  In him is

renewed and begun again the palintocy of the Megarians and the palingenesy

of Democritus.  Fie upon such errors!  To hear stuff of that nature rends

mine ears.

The words of the third article are:  She will suck me at my best end.  Why

not?  That pleaseth me right well.  You know the thing; I need not tell you

that it is my intercrural pudding with one end.  I swear and promise that,

in what I can, I will preserve it sappy, full of juice, and as well

victualled for her use as may be.  She shall not suck me, I believe, in

vain, nor be destitute of her allowance; there shall her justum both in

peck and lippy be furnished to the full eternally.  You expound this

passage allegorically, and interpret it to theft and larceny.  I love the

exposition, and the allegory pleaseth me; but not according to the sense

whereto you stretch it.  It may be that the sincerity of the affection

which you bear me moveth you to harbour in your breast those refractory

thoughts concerning me, with a suspicion of my adversity to come.  We have

this saying from the learned, That a marvellously fearful thing is love,

and that true love is never without fear.  But, sir, according to my

judgment, you do understand both of and by yourself that here stealth

signifieth nothing else, no more than in a thousand other places of Greek

and Latin, old and modern writings, but the sweet fruits of amorous

dalliance, which Venus liketh best when reaped in secret, and culled by

fervent lovers filchingly.  Why so, I prithee tell?  Because, when the feat

of the loose-coat skirmish happeneth to be done underhand and privily,

between two well-disposed, athwart the steps of a pair of stairs lurkingly,

and in covert behind a suit of hangings, or close hid and trussed upon an

unbound faggot, it is more pleasing to the Cyprian goddess, and to me also

--I speak this without prejudice to any better or more sound opinion--than

to perform that culbusting art after the Cynic manner, in the view of the

clear sunshine, or in a rich tent, under a precious stately canopy, within

a glorious and sublime pavilion, or yet on a soft couch betwixt rich

curtains of cloth of gold, without affrightment, at long intermediate

respites, enjoying of pleasures and delights a bellyfull, at all great

ease, with a huge fly-flap fan of crimson satin and a bunch of feathers of

some East-Indian ostrich serving to give chase unto the flies all round

about; whilst, in the interim, the female picks her teeth with a stiff

straw picked even then from out of the bottom of the bed she lies on.  If

you be not content with this my exposition, are you of the mind that my

wife will suck and sup me up as people use to gulp and swallow oysters out

of the shell? or as the Cilician women, according to the testimony of

Dioscorides, were wont to do the grain of alkermes?  Assuredly that is an

error.  Who seizeth on it, doth neither gulch up nor swill down, but takes

away what hath been packed up, catcheth, snatcheth, and plies the play of

hey-pass, repass.

The fourth article doth imply that my wife will flay me, but not all.  O

the fine word!  You interpret this to beating strokes and blows.  Speak

wisely.  Will you eat a pudding?  Sir, I beseech you to raise up your

spirits above the low-sized pitch of earthly thoughts unto that height of

sublime contemplation which reacheth to the apprehension of the mysteries

and wonders of Dame Nature.  And here be pleased to condemn yourself, by a

renouncing of those errors which you have committed very grossly and

somewhat perversely in expounding the prophetic sayings of the holy sibyl.

Yet put the case (albeit I yield not to it) that, by the instigation of the

devil, my wife should go about to wrong me, make me a cuckold downwards to

the very breech, disgrace me otherwise, steal my goods from me, yea, and

lay violently her hands upon me;--she nevertheless should fail of her

attempts and not attain to the proposed end of her unreasonable

undertakings.  The reason which induceth me hereto is grounded totally on

this last point, which is extracted from the profoundest privacies of a

monastic pantheology, as good Friar Arthur Wagtail told me once upon a

Monday morning, as we were (if I have not forgot) eating a bushel of

trotter-pies; and I remember well it rained hard.  God give him the good

morrow!  The women at the beginning of the world, or a little after,

conspired to flay the men quick, because they found the spirit of mankind

inclined to domineer it, and bear rule over them upon the face of the whole

earth; and, in pursuit of this their resolution, promised, confirmed,

swore, and covenanted amongst them all, by the pure faith they owe to the

nocturnal Sanct Rogero.  But O the vain enterprises of women!  O the great

fragility of that sex feminine!  They did begin to flay the man, or peel

him (as says Catullus), at that member which of all the body they loved

best, to wit, the nervous and cavernous cane, and that above five thousand

years ago; yet have they not of that small part alone flayed any more till

this hour but the head.  In mere despite whereof the Jews snip off that

parcel of the skin in circumcision, choosing far rather to be called

clipyards, rascals, than to be flayed by women, as are other nations.  My

wife, according to this female covenant, will flay it to me, if it be not

so already.  I heartily grant my consent thereto, but will not give her

leave to flay it all.  Nay, truly will I not, my noble king.

Yea but, quoth Epistemon, you say nothing of her most dreadful cries and

exclamations when she and we both saw the laurel-bough burn without

yielding any noise or crackling.  You know it is a very dismal omen, an

inauspicious sign, unlucky indice, and token formidable, bad, disastrous,

and most unhappy, as is certified by Propertius, Tibullus, the quick

philosopher Porphyrius, Eustathius on the Iliads of Homer, and by many

others.  Verily, verily, quoth Panurge, brave are the allegations which you

bring me, and testimonies of two-footed calves.  These men were fools, as

they were poets; and dotards, as they were philosophers; full of folly, as

they were of philosophy.

Chapter 3.XIX.

How Pantagruel praiseth the counsel of dumb men.

Pantagruel, when this discourse was ended, held for a pretty while his

peace, seeming to be exceeding sad and pensive, then said to Panurge, The

malignant spirit misleads, beguileth, and seduceth you.  I have read that

in times past the surest and most veritable oracles were not those which

either were delivered in writing or uttered by word of mouth in speaking.

For many times, in their interpretation, right witty, learned, and

ingenious men have been deceived through amphibologies, equivoques, and

obscurity of words, no less than by the brevity of their sentences.  For

which cause Apollo, the god of vaticination, was surnamed Loxias.  Those

which were represented then by signs and outward gestures were accounted

the truest and the most infallible.  Such was the opinion of Heraclitus.

And Jupiter did himself in this manner give forth in Ammon frequently

predictions.  Nor was he single in this practice; for Apollo did the like

amongst the Assyrians.  His prophesying thus unto those people moved them

to paint him with a large long beard, and clothes beseeming an old settled

person of a most posed, staid, and grave behaviour; not naked, young, and

beardless, as he was portrayed most usually amongst the Grecians.  Let us

make trial of this kind of fatidicency; and go you take advice of some dumb

person without any speaking.  I am content, quoth Panurge.  But, says

Pantagruel, it were requisite that the dumb you consult with be such as

have been deaf from the hour of their nativity, and consequently dumb; for

none can be so lively, natural, and kindly dumb as he who never heard.

How is it, quoth Panurge, that you conceive this matter?  If you apprehend

it so, that never any spoke who had not before heard the speech of others,

I will from that antecedent bring you to infer very logically a most absurd

and paradoxical conclusion.  But let it pass; I will not insist on it.  You

do not then believe what Herodotus wrote of two children, who, at the

special command and appointment of Psammeticus, King of Egypt, having been

kept in a petty country cottage, where they were nourished and entertained

in a perpetual silence, did at last, after a certain long space of time,

pronounce this word Bec, which in the Phrygian language signifieth bread.

Nothing less, quoth Pantagruel, do I believe than that it is a mere abusing

of our understandings to give credit to the words of those who say that

there is any such thing as a natural language.  All speeches have had their

primary origin from the arbitrary institutions, accords, and agreements of

nations in their respective condescendments to what should be noted and

betokened by them.  An articulate voice, according to the dialecticians,

hath naturally no signification at all; for that the sense and meaning

thereof did totally depend upon the good will and pleasure of the first

deviser and imposer of it.  I do not tell you this without a cause; for

Bartholus, Lib. 5. de Verb. Oblig., very seriously reporteth that even in

his time there was in Eugubia one named Sir Nello de Gabrielis, who,

although he by a sad mischance became altogether deaf, understood

nevertheless everyone that talked in the Italian dialect howsoever he

expressed himself; and that only by looking on his external gestures, and

casting an attentive eye upon the divers motions of his lips and chaps.  I

have read, I remember also, in a very literate and eloquent author, that

Tyridates, King of Armenia, in the days of Nero, made a voyage to Rome,

where he was received with great honour and solemnity, and with all manner

of pomp and magnificence.  Yea, to the end there might be a sempiternal

amity and correspondence preserved betwixt him and the Roman senate, there

was no remarkable thing in the whole city which was not shown unto him.  At

his departure the emperor bestowed upon him many ample donatives of an

inestimable value; and besides, the more entirely to testify his affection

towards him, heartily entreated him to be pleased to make choice of any

whatsoever thing in Rome was most agreeable to his fancy, with a promise

juramentally confirmed that he should not be refused of his demand.

Thereupon, after a suitable return of thanks for a so gracious offer, he

required a certain Jack-pudding whom he had seen to act his part most

egregiously upon the stage, and whose meaning, albeit he knew not what it

was he had spoken, he understood perfectly enough by the signs and

gesticulations which he had made.  And for this suit of his, in that he

asked nothing else, he gave this reason, that in the several wide and

spacious dominions which were reduced under the sway and authority of his

sovereign government, there were sundry countries and nations much

differing from one another in language, with whom, whether he was to speak

unto them or give any answer to their requests, he was always necessitated

to make use of divers sorts of truchman and interpreters.  Now with this

man alone, sufficient for supplying all their places, will that great

inconveniency hereafter be totally removed; seeing he is such a fine

gesticulator, and in the practice of chirology an artist so complete,

expert, and dexterous, that with his very fingers he doth speak.

Howsoever, you are to pitch upon such a dumb one as is deaf by nature and

from his birth; to the end that his gestures and signs may be the more

vively and truly prophetic, and not counterfeit by the intermixture of some

adulterate lustre and affectation.  Yet whether this dumb person shall be

of the male or female sex is in your option, lieth at your discretion, and

altogether dependeth on your own election.

I would more willingly, quoth Panurge, consult with and be advised by a

dumb woman, were it not that I am afraid of two things.  The first is, that

the greater part of women, whatever be that they see, do always represent

unto their fancies, think, and imagine, that it hath some relation to the

sugared entering of the goodly ithyphallos, and graffing in the cleft of

the overturned tree the quickset imp of the pin of copulation.  Whatever

signs, shows, or gestures we shall make, or whatever our behaviour,

carriage, or demeanour shall happen to be in their view and presence, they

will interpret the whole in reference to the act of androgynation and the

culbutizing exercise, by which means we shall be abusively disappointed of

our designs, in regard that she will take all our signs for nothing else

but tokens and representations of our desire to entice her unto the lists

of a Cyprian combat or catsenconny skirmish.  Do you remember what happened

at Rome two hundred and threescore years after the foundation thereof?  A

young Roman gentleman encountering by chance, at the foot of Mount Celion,

with a beautiful Latin lady named Verona, who from her very cradle upwards

had always been both deaf and dumb, very civilly asked her, not without a

chironomatic Italianizing of his demand, with various jectigation of his

fingers and other gesticulations as yet customary amongst the speakers of

that country, what senators in her descent from the top of the hill she had

met with going up thither.  For you are to conceive that he, knowing no

more of her deafness than dumbness, was ignorant of both.  She in the

meantime, who neither heard nor understood so much as one word of what he

had said, straight imagined, by all that she could apprehend in the lovely

gesture of his manual signs, that what he then required of her was what

herself had a great mind to, even that which a young man doth naturally

desire of a woman.  Then was it that by signs, which in all occurrences of

venereal love are incomparably more attractive, valid, and efficacious than

words, she beckoned to him to come along with her to her house; which when

he had done, she drew him aside to a privy room, and then made a most

lively alluring sign unto him to show that the game did please her.

Whereupon, without any more advertisement, or so much as the uttering of

one word on either side, they fell to and bringuardized it lustily.

The other cause of my being averse from consulting with dumb women is, that

to our signs they would make no answer at all, but suddenly fall backwards

in a divarication posture, to intimate thereby unto us the reality of their

consent to the supposed motion of our tacit demands.  Or if they should

chance to make any countersigns responsory to our propositions, they would

prove so foolish, impertinent, and ridiculous, that by them ourselves

should easily judge their thoughts to have no excursion beyond the duffling

academy.  You know very well how at Brignoles, when the religious nun,

Sister Fatbum, was made big with child by the young Stiffly-stand-to’t, her

pregnancy came to be known, and she cited by the abbess, and, in a full

convention of the convent, accused of incest.  Her excuse was that she did

not consent thereto, but that it was done by the violence and impetuous

force of the Friar Stiffly-stand-to’t.  Hereto the abbess very austerely

replying, Thou naughty wicked girl, why didst thou not cry, A rape, a rape!

then should all of us have run to thy succour.  Her answer was that the

rape was committed in the dortour, where she durst not cry because it was a

place of sempiternal silence.  But, quoth the abbess, thou roguish wench,

why didst not thou then make some sign to those that were in the next

chamber beside thee?  To this she answered that with her buttocks she made

a sign unto them as vigorously as she could, yet never one of them did so

much as offer to come to her help and assistance.  But, quoth the abbess,

thou scurvy baggage, why didst thou not tell it me immediately after the

perpetration of the fact, that so we might orderly, regularly, and

canonically have accused him?  I would have done so, had the case been

mine, for the clearer manifestation of mine innocency.  I truly, madam,

would have done the like with all my heart and soul, quoth Sister Fatbum,

but that fearing I should remain in sin, and in the hazard of eternal

damnation, if prevented by a sudden death, I did confess myself to the

father friar before he went out of the room, who, for my penance, enjoined

me not to tell it, or reveal the matter unto any.  It were a most enormous

and horrid offence, detestable before God and the angels, to reveal a

confession.  Such an abominable wickedness would have possibly brought down

fire from heaven, wherewith to have burnt the whole nunnery, and sent us

all headlong to the bottomless pit, to bear company with Korah, Dathan, and

Abiram.

You will not, quoth Pantagruel, with all your jesting, make me laugh.  I

know that all the monks, friars, and nuns had rather violate and infringe

the highest of the commandments of God than break the least of their

provincial statutes.  Take you therefore Goatsnose, a man very fit for your

present purpose; for he is, and hath been, both dumb and deaf from the very

remotest infancy of his childhood.

Chapter 3.XX.

How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to Panurge.

Goatsnose being sent for, came the day thereafter to Pantagruel’s court; at

his arrival to which Panurge gave him a fat calf, the half of a hog, two

puncheons of wine, one load of corn, and thirty francs of small money;

then, having brought him before Pantagruel, in presence of the gentlemen of

the bed-chamber he made this sign unto him.  He yawned a long time, and in

yawning made without his mouth with the thumb of his right hand the figure

of the Greek letter Tau by frequent reiterations.  Afterwards he lifted up

his eyes to heavenwards, then turned them in his head like a she-goat in

the painful fit of an absolute birth, in doing whereof he did cough and

sigh exceeding heavily.  This done, after that he had made demonstration of

the want of his codpiece, he from under his shirt took his placket-racket

in a full grip, making it therewithal clack very melodiously betwixt his

thighs; then, no sooner had he with his body stooped a little forwards, and

bowed his left knee, but that immediately thereupon holding both his arms

on his breast, in a loose faint-like posture, the one over the other, he

paused awhile.  Goatsnose looked wistly upon him, and having heedfully

enough viewed him all over, he lifted up into the air his left hand, the

whole fingers whereof he retained fistwise close together, except the thumb

and the forefinger, whose nails he softly joined and coupled to one

another.  I understand, quoth Pantagruel, what he meaneth by that sign.  It

denotes marriage, and withal the number thirty, according to the profession

of the Pythagoreans.  You will be married.  Thanks to you, quoth Panurge,

in turning himself towards Goatsnose, my little sewer, pretty master’s

mate, dainty bailie, curious sergeant-marshal, and jolly catchpole-leader.

Then did he lift higher up than before his said left hand, stretching out

all the five fingers thereof, and severing them as wide from one another as

he possibly could get done.  Here, says Pantagruel, doth he more amply and

fully insinuate unto us, by the token which he showeth forth of the quinary

number, that you shall be married.  Yea, that you shall not only be

affianced, betrothed, wedded, and married, but that you shall furthermore

cohabit and live jollily and merrily with your wife; for Pythagoras called

five the nuptial number, which, together with marriage, signifieth the

consummation of matrimony, because it is composed of a ternary, the first

of the odd, and binary, the first of the even numbers, as of a male and

female knit and united together.  In very deed it was the fashion of old in

the city of Rome at marriage festivals to light five wax tapers; nor was it

permitted to kindle any more at the magnific nuptials of the most potent

and wealthy, nor yet any fewer at the penurious weddings of the poorest and

most abject of the world.  Moreover, in times past, the heathen or paynims

implored the assistance of five deities, or of one helpful, at least, in

five several good offices to those that were to be married.  Of this sort

were the nuptial Jove, Juno, president of the feast, the fair Venus, Pitho,

the goddess of eloquence and persuasion, and Diana, whose aid and succour

was required to the labour of child-bearing.  Then shouted Panurge, O the

gentle Goatsnose, I will give him a farm near Cinais, and a windmill hard

by Mirebalais!  Hereupon the dumb fellow sneezeth with an impetuous

vehemency and huge concussion of the spirits of the whole body, withdrawing

himself in so doing with a jerking turn towards the left hand.  By the body

of a fox new slain, quoth Pantagruel, what is that?  This maketh nothing

for your advantage; for he betokeneth thereby that your marriage will be

inauspicious and unfortunate.  This sneezing, according to the doctrine of

Terpsion, is the Socratic demon.  If done towards the right side, it

imports and portendeth that boldly and with all assurance one may go

whither he will and do what he listeth, according to what deliberation he

shall be pleased to have thereupon taken; his entries in the beginning,

progress in his proceedings, and success in the events and issues will be

all lucky, good, and happy.  The quite contrary thereto is thereby implied

and presaged if it be done towards the left.  You, quoth Panurge, do take

always the matter at the worst, and continually, like another Davus,

casteth in new disturbances and obstructions; nor ever yet did I know this

old paltry Terpsion worthy of citation but in points only of cosenage and

imposture.  Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, Cicero hath written I know not

what to the same purpose in his Second Book of Divination.

Panurge then, turning himself towards Goatsnose, made this sign unto him.

He inverted his eyelids upwards, wrenched his jaws from the right to the

left side, and drew forth his tongue half out of his mouth.  This done, he

posited his left hand wholly open, the mid-finger wholly excepted, which

was perpendicularly placed upon the palm thereof, and set it just in the

room where his codpiece had been.  Then did he keep his right hand

altogether shut up in a fist, save only the thumb, which he straight turned

backwards directly under the right armpit, and settled it afterwards on

that most eminent part of the buttocks which the Arabs call the Al-Katim.

Suddenly thereafter he made this interchange:  he held his right hand after

the manner of the left, and posited it on the place wherein his codpiece

sometime was, and retaining his left hand in the form and fashion of the

right, he placed it upon his Al-Katim.  This altering of hands did he

reiterate nine several times; at the last whereof he reseated his eyelids

into their own first natural position.  Then doing the like also with his

jaws and tongue, he did cast a squinting look upon Goatsnose, diddering and

shivering his chaps, as apes use to do nowadays, and rabbits, whilst,

almost starved with hunger, they are eating oats in the sheaf.

Then was it that Goatsnose, lifting up into the air his right hand wholly

open and displayed, put the thumb thereof, even close unto its first

articulation, between the two third joints of the middle and ring fingers,

pressing about the said thumb thereof very hard with them both, and, whilst

the remanent joints were contracted and shrunk in towards the wrist, he

stretched forth with as much straightness as he could the fore and little

fingers.  That hand thus framed and disposed of he laid and posited upon

Panurge’s navel, moving withal continually the aforesaid thumb, and bearing

up, supporting, or under-propping that hand upon the above-specified fore

and little fingers, as upon two legs.  Thereafter did he make in this

posture his hand by little and little, and by degrees and pauses,

successively to mount from athwart the belly to the stomach, from whence he

made it to ascend to the breast, even upwards to Panurge’s neck, still

gaining ground, till, having reached his chin, he had put within the

concave of his mouth his afore-mentioned thumb; then fiercely brandishing

the whole hand, which he made to rub and grate against his nose, he heaved

it further up, and made the fashion as if with the thumb thereof he would

have put out his eyes.  With this Panurge grew a little angry, and went

about to withdraw and rid himself from this ruggedly untoward dumb devil.

But Goatsnose in the meantime, prosecuting the intended purpose of his

prognosticatory response, touched very rudely, with the above-mentioned

shaking thumb, now his eyes, then his forehead, and after that the borders

and corners of his cap.  At last Panurge cried out, saying, Before God,

master fool, if you do not let me alone, or that you will presume to vex me

any more, you shall receive from the best hand I have a mask wherewith to

cover your rascally scroundrel face, you paltry shitten varlet.  Then said

Friar John, He is deaf, and doth not understand what thou sayest unto him.

Bulliballock, make sign to him of a hail of fisticuffs upon the muzzle.

What the devil, quoth Panurge, means this busy restless fellow?  What is it

that this polypragmonetic ardelion to all the fiends of hell doth aim at?

He hath almost thrust out mine eyes, as if he had been to poach them in a

skillet with butter and eggs.  By God, da jurandi, I will feast you with

flirts and raps on the snout, interlarded with a double row of bobs and

finger-fillipings!  Then did he leave him in giving him by way of salvo a

volley of farts for his farewell.  Goatsnose, perceiving Panurge thus to

slip away from him, got before him, and, by mere strength enforcing him to

stand, made this sign unto him.  He let fall his right arm toward his knee

on the same side as low as he could, and, raising all the fingers of that

hand into a close fist, passed his dexter thumb betwixt the foremost and

mid fingers thereto belonging.  Then scrubbing and swingeing a little with

his left hand alongst and upon the uppermost in the very bough of the elbow

of the said dexter arm, the whole cubit thereof, by leisure, fair and

softly, at these thumpatory warnings, did raise and elevate itself even to

the elbow, and above it; on a sudden did he then let it fall down as low as

before, and after that, at certain intervals and such spaces of time,

raising and abasing it, he made a show thereof to Panurge.  This so

incensed Panurge that he forthwith lifted his hand to have stricken him the

dumb roister and given him a sound whirret on the ear, but that the respect

and reverence which he carried to the presence of Pantagruel restrained his

choler and kept his fury within bounds and limits.  Then said Pantagruel,

If the bare signs now vex and trouble you, how much more grievously will

you be perplexed and disquieted with the real things which by them are

represented and signified!  All truths agree and are consonant with one

another.  This dumb fellow prophesieth and foretelleth that you will be

married, cuckolded, beaten, and robbed.  As for the marriage, quoth

Panurge, I yield thereto, and acknowledge the verity of that point of his

prediction; as for the rest, I utterly abjure and deny it:  and believe,

sir, I beseech you, if it may please you so to do, that in the matter of

wives and horses never any man was predestinated to a better fortune than

I.

Chapter 3.XXI.

How Panurge consulteth with an old French poet, named Raminagrobis.

I never thought, said Pantagruel, to have encountered with any man so

headstrong in his apprehensions, or in his opinions so wilful, as I have

found you to be and see you are.  Nevertheless, the better to clear and

extricate your doubts, let us try all courses, and leave no stone unturned

nor wind unsailed by.  Take good heed to what I am to say unto you.  The

swans, which are fowls consecrated to Apollo, never chant but in the hour

of their approaching death, especially in the Meander flood, which is a

river that runneth along some of the territories of Phrygia.  This I say,

because Aelianus and Alexander Myndius write that they had seen several

swans in other places die, but never heard any of them sing or chant before

their death.  However, it passeth for current that the imminent death of a

swan is presaged by his foregoing song, and that no swan dieth until

preallably he have sung.

After the same manner, poets, who are under the protection of Apollo, when

they are drawing near their latter end do ordinarily become prophets, and

by the inspiration of that god sing sweetly in vaticinating things which

are to come.  It hath been likewise told me frequently, that old decrepit

men upon the brinks of Charon’s banks do usher their decease with a

disclosure all at ease, to those that are desirous of such informations, of

the determinate and assured truth of future accidents and contingencies.  I

remember also that Aristophanes, in a certain comedy of his, calleth the

old folks Sibyls, Eith o geron Zibullia.  For as when, being upon a pier by

the shore, we see afar off mariners, seafaring men, and other travellers

alongst the curled waves of azure Thetis within their ships, we then

consider them in silence only, and seldom proceed any further than to wish

them a happy and prosperous arrival; but when they do approach near to the

haven, and come to wet their keels within their harbour, then both with

words and  gestures we salute them, and heartily congratulate their access

safe to the port wherein we are ourselves.  Just so the angels, heroes, and

good demons, according to the doctrine of the Platonics, when they see

mortals drawing near unto the harbour of the grave, as the most sure and

calmest port of any, full of repose, ease, rest, tranquillity, free from

the  troubles and solicitudes of this tumultuous and tempestuous world; then

is  it that they with alacrity hail and salute them, cherish and comfort

them, and, speaking to them lovingly, begin even then to bless them with

illuminations, and to communicate unto them the abstrusest mysteries of

divination.  I will not offer here to confound your memory by quoting

antique examples of Isaac, of Jacob, of Patroclus towards Hector, of Hector

towards Achilles, of Polymnestor towards Agamemnon, of Hecuba, of the

Rhodian renowned by Posidonius, of Calanus the Indian towards Alexander the

Great, of Orodes towards Mezentius, and of many others.  It shall suffice

for the present that I commemorate unto you the learned and valiant knight

and cavalier William of Bellay, late Lord of Langey, who died on the Hill

of Tarara, the 10th of January, in the climacteric year of his age, and of

our supputation 1543, according to the Roman account.  The last three or

four hours of his life he did employ in the serious utterance of a very

pithy discourse, whilst with a clear judgment and spirit void of all

trouble he did foretell several important things, whereof a great deal is

come to pass, and the rest we wait for.  Howbeit, his prophecies did at

that time seem unto us somewhat strange, absurd, and unlikely, because

there did not then appear any sign of efficacy enough to engage our faith

to the belief of what he did prognosticate.  We have here, near to the town

of Villomere, a man that is both old and a poet, to wit, Raminagrobis, who

to his second wife espoused my Lady Broadsow, on whom he begot the fair

Basoche.  It hath been told me he is a-dying, and so near unto his latter

end that he is almost upon the very last moment, point, and article thereof.

Repair thither as fast as you can, and be ready to give an attentive ear to

what he shall chant unto you.  It may be that you shall obtain from him what

you desire, and that Apollo will be pleased by his means to clear your

scruples.  I am content, quoth Panurge.  Let us go thither, Epistemon, and

that both instantly and in all haste, lest otherwise his death prevent our

coming.  Wilt thou come along with us, Friar John?  Yes, that I will, quoth

Friar John, right heartily to do thee a courtesy, my billy-ballocks; for I

love thee with the best of my milt and liver.

Thereupon, incontinently, without any further lingering, to the way they

all three went, and quickly thereafter--for they made good speed--arriving

at the poetical habitation, they found the jolly old man, albeit in the

agony of his departure from this world, looking cheerfully, with an open

countenance, splendid aspect, and behaviour full of alacrity.  After that

Panurge had very civilly saluted him, he in a free gift did present him

with a gold ring, which he even then put upon the medical finger of his

left hand, in the collet or bezel whereof was enchased an Oriental

sapphire, very fair and large.  Then, in imitation of Socrates, did he make

an oblation unto him of a fair white cock, which was no sooner set upon the

tester of his bed, than that, with a high raised head and crest, lustily

shaking his feather-coat, he crowed stentoriphonically loud.  This done,

Panurge very courteously required of him that he would vouchsafe to favour

him with the grant and report of his sense and judgment touching the future

destiny of his intended marriage.  For answer hereto, when the honest old

man had forthwith commanded pen, paper, and ink to be brought unto him, and

that he was at the same call conveniently served with all the three, he

wrote these following verses:

  Take, or not take her,

    Off, or on:

  Handy-dandy is your lot.

  When her name you write, you blot.

  ‘Tis undone, when all is done,

  Ended e’er it was begun:

  Hardly gallop, if you trot,

  Set not forward when you run,

  Nor be single, though alone,

    Take, or not take her.

  Before you eat, begin to fast;

  For what shall be was never past.

  Say, unsay, gainsay, save your breath:

  Then wish at once her life and death.

    Take, or not take her.

These lines he gave out of his own hands unto them, saying unto them, Go,

my lads, in peace! the great God of the highest heavens be your guardian

and preserver! and do not offer any more to trouble or disquiet me with

this or any other business whatsoever.  I have this same very day, which is

the last both of May and of me, with a greal deal of labour, toil, and

difficulty, chased out of my house a rabble of filthy, unclean, and

plaguily pestilentious rake-hells, black beasts, dusk, dun, white,

ash-coloured, speckled, and a foul vermin of other hues, whose obtrusive

importunity would not permit me to die at my own ease; for by fraudulent

and deceitful pricklings, ravenous, harpy-like graspings, waspish

stingings, and such-like unwelcome approaches, forged in the shop of I know

not what kind of insatiabilities, they went about to withdraw and call me

out of those sweet thoughts wherein I was already beginning to repose

myself and acquiesce in the contemplation and vision, yea, almost in the

very touch and taste of the happiness and felicity which the good God hath

prepared for his faithful saints and elect in the other life and state of

immortality.  Turn out of their courses and eschew them, step forth of

their ways and do not resemble them; meanwhile, let me be no more troubled

by you, but leave me now in silence, I beseech you.

Chapter 3.XXII.

How Panurge patrocinates and defendeth the Order of the Begging Friars.

Panurge, at his issuing forth of Raminagrobis’s chamber, said, as if he had

been horribly affrighted, By the virtue of God, I believe that he is an

heretic; the devil take me, if I do not! he doth so villainously rail at

the Mendicant Friars and Jacobins, who are the two hemispheres of the

Christian world; by whose gyronomonic circumbilvaginations, as by two

celivagous filopendulums, all the autonomatic metagrobolism of the Romish

Church, when tottering and emblustricated with the gibble-gabble gibberish

of this odious error and heresy, is homocentrically poised.  But what harm,

in the devil’s name, have these poor devils the Capuchins and Minims done

unto him?  Are not these beggarly devils sufficiently wretched already?

Who can imagine that these poor snakes, the very extracts of ichthyophagy,

are not thoroughly enough besmoked and besmeared with misery, distress, and

calamity?  Dost thou think, Friar John, by thy faith, that he is in the

state of salvation?  He goeth, before God, as surely damned to thirty

thousand basketsful of devils as a pruning-bill to the lopping of a

vine-branch.  To revile with opprobrious speeches the good and courageous

props and pillars of the Church,--is that to be called a poetical fury?  I

cannot rest satisfied with him; he sinneth grossly, and blasphemeth against

the true religion.  I am very much offended at his scandalizing words and

contumelious obloquy.  I do not care a straw, quoth Friar John, for what he

hath said; for although everybody should twit and jerk them, it were but a

just retaliation, seeing all persons are served by them with the like sauce:

therefore do I pretend no interest therein.  Let us see, nevertheless, what

he hath written.  Panurge very attentively read the paper which the old man

had penned; then said to his two fellow-travellers, The poor drinker doteth.

Howsoever, I excuse him, for that I believe he is now drawing near to the

end and final closure of his life.  Let us go make his epitaph.  By the

answer which he hath given us, I am not, I protest, one jot wiser than I

was.  Hearken here, Epistemon, my little bully, dost not thou hold him to be

very resolute in his responsory verdicts?  He is a witty, quick, and subtle

sophister.  I will lay an even wager that he is a miscreant apostate.  By

the belly of a stalled ox, how careful he is not to be mistaken in his

words.  He answered but by disjunctives, therefore can it not be true which

he saith; for the verity of such-like propositions is inherent only in one

of its two members.  O the cozening prattler that he is!  I wonder if

Santiago of Bressure be one of these cogging shirks.  Such was of old, quoth

Epistemon, the custom of the grand vaticinator and prophet Tiresias, who

used always, by way of a preface, to say openly and plainly at the beginning

of his divinations and predictions that what he was to tell would either

come to pass or not.  And such is truly the style of all prudently presaging

prognosticators.  He was nevertheless, quoth Panurge, so unfortunately

misadventurous in the lot of his own destiny, that Juno thrust out both his

eyes.

Yes, answered Epistemon, and that merely out of a spite and spleen for

having pronounced his award more veritable than she, upon the question

which was merrily proposed by Jupiter.  But, quoth Panurge, what archdevil

is it that hath possessed this Master Raminagrobis, that so unreasonably,

and without any occasion, he should have so snappishly and bitterly

inveighed against these poor honest fathers, Jacobins, Minors, and Minims?

It vexeth me grievously, I assure you; nor am I able to conceal my

indignation.  He hath transgressed most enormously; his soul goeth

infallibly to thirty thousand panniersful of devils.  I understand you not,

quoth Epistemon, and it disliketh me very much that you should so absurdly

and perversely interpret that of the Friar Mendicants which by the harmless

poet was spoken of black beasts, dun, and other sorts of other coloured

animals.  He is not in my opinion guilty of such a sophistical and

fantastic allegory as by that phrase of his to have meant the Begging

Brothers.  He in downright terms speaketh absolutely and properly of fleas,

punies, hand worms, flies, gnats, and other such-like scurvy vermin,

whereof some are black, some dun, some ash-coloured, some tawny, and some

brown and dusky, all noisome, molesting, tyrannous, cumbersome, and

unpleasant creatures, not only to sick and diseased folks, but to those

also who are of a sound, vigorous, and healthful temperament and

constitution.  It is not unlikely that he may have the ascarids, and the

lumbrics, and worms within the entrails of his body.  Possibly doth he

suffer, as it is frequent and usual amongst the Egyptians, together with

all those who inhabit the Erythraean confines, and dwell along the shores

and coasts of the Red Sea, some sour prickings and smart stingings in his

arms and legs of those little speckled dragons which the Arabians call

meden.  You are to blame for offering to expound his words otherwise, and

wrong the ingenuous poet, and outrageously abuse and miscall the said

fraters, by an imputation of baseness undeservedly laid to their charge.

We still should, in such like discourses of fatiloquent soothsayers,

interpret all things to the best.  Will you teach me, quoth Panurge, how to

discern flies among milk, or show your father the way how to beget

children?  He is, by the virtue of God, an arrant heretic, a resolute,

formal heretic; I say, a rooted, combustible heretic, one as fit to burn as

the little wooden clock at Rochelle.  His soul goeth to thirty thousand

cartsful of devils.  Would you know whither?  Cocks-body, my friend,

straight under Proserpina’s close-stool, to the very middle of the

self-same infernal pan within which she, by an excrementitious evacuation,

voideth the faecal stuff of her stinking clysters, and that just upon the

left side of the great cauldron of three fathom height, hard by the claws

and talons of Lucifer, in the very darkest of the passage which leadeth

towards the black chamber of Demogorgon.  O the villain!

Chapter 3.XXIII.

How Panurge maketh the motion of a return to Raminagrobis.

Let us return, quoth Panurge, not ceasing, to the uttermost of our

abilities, to ply him with wholesome admonitions for the furtherance of his

salvation.  Let us go back, for God’s sake; let us go, in the name of God.

It will be a very meritorious work, and of great charity in us to deal so

in the matter, and provide so well for him that, albeit he come to lose

both body and life, he may at least escape the risk and danger of the

eternal damnation of his soul.  We will by our holy persuasions bring him

to a sense and feeling of his escapes, induce him to acknowledge his

faults, move him to a cordial repentance of his errors, and stir up in him

such a sincere contrition of heart for his offences, as will prompt him

with all earnestness to cry mercy, and to beg pardon at the hands of the

good fathers, as well of the absent as of such as are present.  Whereupon

we will take instrument formally and authentically extended, to the end he

be not, after his decease, declared an heretic, and condemned, as were the

hobgoblins of the provost’s wife of Orleans, to the undergoing of such

punishments, pains, and tortures as are due to and inflicted on those that

inhabit the horrid cells of the infernal regions; and withal incline,

instigate, and persuade him to bequeath and leave in legacy (by way of an

amends and satisfaction for the outrage and injury done to those good

religious fathers throughout all the convents, cloisters, and monasteries

of this province), many bribes, a great deal of mass-singing, store of

obits, and that sempiternally, on the anniversary day of his decease, every

one of them all be furnished with a quintuple allowance, and that the great

borachio replenished with the best liquor trudge apace along the tables, as

well of the young duckling monkitoes, lay brothers, and lowermost degree of

the abbey lubbards, as of the learned priests and reverend clerks,--the

very meanest of the novices and mitiants unto the order being equally

admitted to the benefit of those funerary and obsequial festivals with the

aged rectors and professed fathers.  This is the surest ordinary means

whereby from God he may obtain forgiveness.  Ho, ho, I am quite mistaken; I

digress from the purpose, and fly out of my discourse, as if my spirits

were a-wool-gathering.  The devil take me, if I go thither!  Virtue God!

The chamber is already full of devils.  O what a swinging, thwacking noise

is now amongst them!  O the terrible coil that they keep!  Hearken, do you

not hear the rustling, thumping bustle of their strokes and blows, as they

scuffle with one another, like true devils indeed, who shall gulp up the

Raminagrobis soul, and be the first bringer of it, whilst it is hot, to

Monsieur Lucifer?  Beware, and get you hence! for my part, I will not go

thither.  The devil roast me if I go!  Who knows but that these hungry mad

devils may in the haste of their rage and fury of their impatience take a

qui for a quo, and instead of Raminagrobis snatch up poor Panurge frank and

free?  Though formerly, when I was deep in debt, they always failed.  Get

you hence!  I will not go thither.  Before God, the very bare apprehension

thereof is like to kill me.  To be in a place where there are greedy,

famished, and hunger-starved devils; amongst factious devils--amidst

trading and trafficking devils--O the Lord preserve me!  Get you hence!  I

dare pawn my credit on it, that no Jacobin, Cordelier, Carmelite, Capuchin,

Theatin, or Minim will bestow any personal presence at his interment.  The

wiser they, because he hath ordained nothing for them in his latter will

and testament.  The devil take me, if I go thither.  If he be damned, to

his own loss and hindrance be it.  What the deuce moved him to be so

snappish and depravedly bent against the good fathers of the true religion?

Why did he cast them off, reject them, and drive them quite out of his

chamber, even in that very nick of time when he stood in greatest need of

the aid, suffrage, and assistance of their devout prayers and holy

admonitions?  Why did not he by testament leave them, at least, some jolly

lumps and cantles of substantial meat, a parcel of cheek-puffing victuals,

and a little belly-timber and provision for the guts of these poor folks,

who have nothing but their life in this world?  Let him go thither who

will, the devil take me if I go; for, if I should, the devil would not fail

to snatch me up.  Cancro.  Ho, the pox!  Get you hence, Friar John!  Art

thou content that thirty thousand wainload of devils should get away with

thee at this same very instant?  If thou be, at my request do these three

things.  First, give me thy purse; for besides that thy money is marked

with crosses, and the cross is an enemy to charms, the same may befall to

thee which not long ago happened to John Dodin, collector of the excise of

Coudray, at the ford of Vede, when the soldiers broke the planks.  This

moneyed fellow, meeting at the very brink of the bank of the ford with

Friar Adam Crankcod, a Franciscan observantin of Mirebeau, promised him a

new frock, provided that in the transporting of him over the water he would

bear him upon his neck and shoulders, after the manner of carrying dead

goats; for he was a lusty, strong-limbed, sturdy rogue.  The condition

being agreed upon, Friar Crankcod trusseth himself up to his very ballocks,

and layeth upon his back, like a fair little Saint Christopher, the load of

the said supplicant Dodin, and so carried him gaily and with a good will,

as Aeneas bore his father Anchises through the conflagration of Troy,

singing in the meanwhile a pretty Ave Maris Stella.  When they were in the

very deepest place of all the ford, a little above the master-wheel of the

water-mill, he asked if he had any coin about him.  Yes, quoth Dodin, a

whole bagful; and that he needed not to mistrust his ability in the

performance of the promise which he had made unto him concerning a new

frock.  How! quoth Friar Crankcod, thou knowest well enough that by the

express rules, canons, and injunctions of our order we are forbidden to

carry on us any kind of money.  Thou art truly unhappy, for having made me

in this point to commit a heinous trespass.  Why didst thou not leave thy

purse with the miller?  Without fail thou shalt presently receive thy

reward for it; and if ever hereafter I may but lay hold upon thee within

the limits of our chancel at Mirebeau, thou shalt have the Miserere even to

the Vitulos.  With this, suddenly discharging himself of his burden, he

throws me down your Dodin headlong.  Take example by this Dodin, my dear

friend Friar John, to the end that the devils may the better carry thee

away at thine own ease.  Give me thy purse.  Carry no manner of cross upon

thee.  Therein lieth an evident and manifestly apparent danger.  For if you

have any silver coined with a cross upon it, they will cast thee down

headlong upon some rocks, as the eagles use to do with the tortoises for

the breaking of their shells, as the bald pate of the poet Aeschylus can

sufficiently bear witness.  Such a fall would hurt thee very sore, my sweet

bully, and I would be sorry for it.  Or otherwise they will let thee fall

and tumble down into the high swollen waves of some capacious sea, I know

not where; but, I warrant thee, far enough hence, as Icarus fell, which

from thy name would afterwards get the denomination of the Funnelian Sea.

Secondly, be out of debt.  For the devils carry a great liking to those

that are out of debt.  I have sore felt the experience thereof in mine own

particular; for now the lecherous varlets are always wooing me, courting

me, and making much of me, which they never did when I was all to pieces.

The soul of one in debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altogether.

Thirdly, with the cowl and Domino de Grobis, return to Raminagrobis; and in

case, being thus qualified, thirty thousand boatsful of devils forthwith

come not to carry thee quite away, I shall be content to be at the charge

of paying for the pint and faggot.  Now, if for the more security thou

wouldst some associate to bear thee company, let not me be the comrade thou

searchest for; think not to get a fellow-traveller of me,--nay, do not.  I

advise thee for the best.  Get you hence; I will not go thither.  The devil

take me if I go.  Notwithstanding all the fright that you are in, quoth

Friar John, I would not care so much as might possibly be expected I

should, if I once had but my sword in my hand.  Thou hast verily hit the

nail on the head, quoth Panurge, and speakest like a learned doctor, subtle

and well-skilled in the art of devilry.  At the time when I was a student

in the University of Toulouse (Tolette), that same reverend father in the

devil, Picatrix, rector of the diabological faculty, was wont to tell us

that the devils did naturally fear the bright glancing of swords as much as

the splendour and light of the sun.  In confirmation of the verity whereof

he related this story, that Hercules, at his descent into hell to all the

devils of those regions, did not by half so much terrify them with his club

and lion’s skin as afterwards Aeneas did with his clear shining armour upon

him, and his sword in his hand well-furbished and unrusted, by the aid,

counsel, and assistance of the Sybilla Cumana.  That was perhaps the reason

why the senior John Jacomo di Trivulcio, whilst he was a-dying at Chartres,

called for his cutlass, and died with a drawn sword in his hand, laying

about him alongst and athwart around the bed and everywhere within his

reach, like a stout, doughty, valorous and knight-like cavalier; by which

resolute manner of fence he scared away and put to flight all the devils

that were then lying in wait for his soul at the passage of his death.

When the Massorets and Cabalists are asked why it is that none of all the

devils do at any time enter into the terrestrial paradise? their answer

hath been, is, and will be still, that there is a cherubin standing at the

gate thereof with a flame-like glistering sword in his hand.  Although, to

speak in the true diabological sense or phrase of Toledo, I must needs

confess and acknowledge that veritably the devils cannot be killed or die

by the stroke of a sword, I do nevertheless avow and maintain, according to

the doctrine of the said diabology, that they may suffer a solution of

continuity (as if with thy shable thou shouldst cut athwart the flame of a

burning fire, or the gross opacous exhalations of a thick and obscure

smoke), and cry out like very devils at their sense and feeling of this

dissolution, which in real deed I must aver and affirm is devilishly

painful, smarting, and dolorous.

When thou seest the impetuous shock of two armies, and vehement violence of

the push in their horrid encounter with one another, dost thou think,

Ballockasso, that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from the

voice and shouts of men, the dashing and jolting of harness, the clattering

and clashing of armies, the hacking and slashing of battle-axes, the

justling and crashing of pikes, the bustling and breaking of lances, the

clamour and shrieks of the wounded, the sound and din of drums, the

clangour and shrillness of trumpets, the neighing and rushing in of horses,

with the fearful claps and thundering of all sorts of guns, from the double

cannon to the pocket pistol inclusively?  I cannot goodly deny but that in

these various things which I have rehearsed there may be somewhat

occasionative of the huge yell and tintamarre of the two engaged bodies.

But the most fearful and tumultuous coil and stir, the terriblest and most

boisterous garboil and hurry, the chiefest rustling black santus of all,

and most principal hurlyburly springeth from the grievously plangorous

howling and lowing of devils, who pell-mell, in a hand-over-head confusion,

waiting for the poor souls of the maimed and hurt soldiery, receive

unawares some strokes with swords, and so by those means suffer a solution

of and division in the continuity of their aerial and invisible substances;

as if some lackey, snatching at the lard-slices stuck in a piece of roast

meat on the spit, should get from Mr. Greasyfist a good rap on the knuckles

with a cudgel.  They cry out and shout like devils, even as Mars did when

he was hurt by Diomedes at the siege of Troy, who, as Homer testifieth of

him, did then raise his voice more horrifically loud and sonoriferously

high than ten thousand men together would have been able to do.  What

maketh all this for our present purpose?  I have been speaking here of

well-furbished armour and bright shining swords.  But so is it not, Friar

John, with thy weapon; for by a long discontinuance of work, cessation from

labour, desisting from making it officiate, and putting it into that

practice wherein it had been formerly accustomed, and, in a word, for want

of occupation, it is, upon my faith, become more rusty than the key-hole of

an old powdering-tub.  Therefore it is expedient that you do one of these

two things:  either furbish your weapon bravely, and as it ought to be, or

otherwise have a care that, in the rusty case it is in, you do not presume

to return to the house of Raminagrobis.  For my part, I vow I will not go

thither.  The devil take me if I go.

Chapter 3.XXIV.

How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon.

Having left the town of Villomere, as they were upon their return towards

Pantagruel, Panurge, in addressing his discourse to Epistemon, spoke thus:

My most ancient friend and gossip, thou seest the perplexity of my

thoughts, and knowest many remedies for the removal thereof; art thou not

able to help and succour me?  Epistemon, thereupon taking the speech in

hand, represented unto Panurge how the open voice and common fame of the

whole country did run upon no other discourse but the derision and mockery

of his new disguise; wherefore his counsel unto him was that he would in

the first place be pleased to make use of a little hellebore for the

purging of his brain of that peccant humour which, through that extravagant

and fantastic mummery of his, had furnished the people with a too just

occasion of flouting and gibing, jeering and scoffing him, and that next he

would resume his ordinary fashion of accoutrement, and go apparelled as he

was wont to do.  I am, quoth Panurge, my dear gossip Epistemon, of a mind

and resolution to marry, but am afraid of being a cuckold and to be

unfortunate in my wedlock.  For this cause have I made a vow to young St.

Francis--who at Plessis-les-Tours is much reverenced of all women,

earnestly cried unto by them, and with great devotion, for he was the first

founder of the confraternity of good men, whom they naturally covet,

affect, and long for--to wear spectacles in my cap, and to carry no

codpiece in my breeches, until the present inquietude and perturbation of

my spirits be fully settled.

Truly, quoth Epistemon, that is a pretty jolly vow of thirteen to a dozen.

It is a shame to you, and I wonder much at it, that you do not return unto

yourself, and recall your senses from this their wild swerving and straying

abroad to that rest and stillness which becomes a virtuous man.  This

whimsical conceit of yours brings me to the remembrance of a solemn promise

made by the shag-haired Argives, who, having in their controversy against

the Lacedaemonians for the territory of Thyrea, lost the battle which they

hoped should have decided it for their advantage, vowed to carry never any

hair on their heads till preallably they had recovered the loss of both

their honour and lands.  As likewise to the memory of the vow of a pleasant

Spaniard called Michael Doris, who vowed to carry in his hat a piece of the

shin of his leg till he should be revenged of him who had struck it off.

Yet do not I know which of these two deserveth most to wear a green and

yellow hood with a hare’s ears tied to it, either the aforesaid

vainglorious champion, or that Enguerrant, who having forgot the art and

manner of writing histories set down by the Samosatian philosopher, maketh

a most tediously long narrative and relation thereof.  For, at the first

reading of such a profuse discourse, one would think it had been broached

for the introducing of a story of great importance and moment concerning

the waging of some formidable war, or the notable change and mutation of

potent states and kingdoms; but, in conclusion, the world laugheth at the

capricious champion, at the Englishman who had affronted him, as also at

their scribbler Enguerrant, more drivelling at the mouth than a mustard

pot.  The jest and scorn thereof is not unlike to that of the mountain of

Horace, which by the poet was made to cry out and lament most enormously as

a woman in the pangs and labour of child-birth, at which deplorable and

exorbitant cries and lamentations the whole neighbourhood being assembled

in expectation to see some marvellous monstrous production, could at last

perceive no other but the paltry, ridiculous mouse.

Your mousing, quoth Panurge, will not make me leave my musing why folks

should be so frumpishly disposed, seeing I am certainly persuaded that some

flout who merit to be flouted at; yet, as my vow imports, so will I do.  It

is now a long time since, by Jupiter Philos (A mistake of the

translator’s.--M.), we did swear faith and amity to one another.  Give me

your advice, billy, and tell me your opinion freely, Should I marry or no?

Truly, quoth Epistemon, the case is hazardous, and the danger so eminently

apparent that I find myself too weak and insufficient to give you a

punctual and peremptory resolution therein; and if ever it was true that

judgment is difficult in matters of the medicinal art, what was said by

Hippocrates of Lango, it is certainly so in this case.  True it is that in

my brain there are some rolling fancies, by means whereof somewhat may be

pitched upon of a seeming efficacy to the disentangling your mind of those

dubious apprehensions wherewith it is perplexed; but they do not thoroughly

satisfy me.  Some of the Platonic sect affirm that whosoever is able to see

his proper genius may know his own destiny.  I understand not their

doctrine, nor do I think that you adhere to them; there is a palpable

abuse.  I have seen the experience of it in a very curious gentleman of the

country of Estangourre.  This is one of the points.  There is yet another

not much better.  If there were any authority now in the oracles of Jupiter

Ammon; of Apollo in Lebadia, Delphos, Delos, Cyrra, Patara, Tegyres,

Preneste, Lycia, Colophon, or in the Castalian Fountain; near Antiochia in

Syria, between the Branchidians; of Bacchus in Dodona; of Mercury in

Phares, near Patras; of Apis in Egypt; of Serapis in Canope; of Faunus in

Menalia, and Albunea near Tivoli; of Tiresias in Orchomenus; of Mopsus in

Cilicia; of Orpheus in Lesbos, and of Trophonius in Leucadia; I would in

that case advise you, and possibly not, to go thither for their judgment

concerning the design and enterprise you have in hand.  But you know that

they are all of them become as dumb as so many fishes since the advent of

that Saviour King whose coming to this world hath made all oracles and

prophecies to cease; as the approach of the sun’s radiant beams expelleth

goblins, bugbears, hobthrushes, broams, screech-owl-mates, night-walking

spirits, and tenebrions.  These now are gone; but although they were as yet

in continuance and in the same power, rule, and request that formerly they

were, yet would not I counsel you to be too credulous in putting any trust

in their responses.  Too many folks have been deceived thereby.  It stands

furthermore upon record how Agrippina did charge the fair Lollia with the

crime of having interrogated the oracle of Apollo Clarius, to understand if

she should be at any time married to the Emperor Claudius; for which cause

she was first banished, and thereafter put to a shameful and ignominious

death.

But, saith Panurge, let us do better.  The Ogygian Islands are not far

distant from the haven of Sammalo.  Let us, after that we shall have spoken

to our king, make a voyage thither.  In one of these four isles, to wit,

that which hath its primest aspect towards the sun setting, it is reported,

and I have read in good antique and authentic authors, that there reside

many soothsayers, fortune-tellers, vaticinators, prophets, and diviners of

things to come; that Saturn inhabiteth that place, bound with fair chains

of gold and within the concavity of a golden rock, being nourished with

divine ambrosia and nectar, which are daily in great store and abundance

transmitted to him from the heavens, by I do not well know what kind of

fowls,--it may be that they are the same ravens which in the deserts are

said to have fed St. Paul, the first hermit,--he very clearly foretelleth

unto everyone who is desirous to be certified of the condition of his lot

what his destiny will be, and what future chance the Fates have ordained

for him; for the Parcae, or Weird Sisters, do not twist, spin, or draw out

a thread, nor yet doth Jupiter perpend, project, or deliberate anything

which the good old celestial father knoweth not to the full, even whilst he

is asleep.  This will be a very summary abbreviation of our labour, if we

but hearken unto him a little upon the serious debate and canvassing of

this my perplexity.  That is, answered Epistemon, a gullery too evident, a

plain abuse and fib too fabulous.  I will not go, not I; I will not go.

Chapter 3.XXV.

How Panurge consulteth with Herr Trippa.

Nevertheless, quoth Epistemon, continuing his discourse, I will tell you

what you may do, if you believe me, before we return to our king.  Hard by

here, in the Brown-wheat (Bouchart) Island, dwelleth Herr Trippa.  You know

how by the arts of astrology, geomancy, chiromancy, metopomancy, and others

of a like stuff and nature, he foretelleth all things to come; let us talk

a little, and confer with him about your business.  Of that, answered

Panurge, I know nothing; but of this much concerning him I am assured, that

one day, and that not long since, whilst he was prating to the great king

of celestial, sublime, and transcendent things, the lacqueys and footboys

of the court, upon the upper steps of stairs between two doors, jumbled,

one after another, as often as they listed, his wife, who is passable fair,

and a pretty snug hussy.  Thus he who seemed very clearly to see all

heavenly and terrestrial things without spectacles, who discoursed boldly

of adventures past, with great confidence opened up present cases and

accidents, and stoutly professed the presaging of all future events and

contingencies, was not able, with all the skill and cunning that he had, to

perceive the bumbasting of his wife, whom he reputed to be very chaste, and

hath not till this hour got notice of anything to the contrary.  Yet let us

go to him, seeing you will have it so; for surely we can never learn too

much.  They on the very next ensuing day came to Herr Trippa’s lodging.

Panurge, by way of donative, presented him with a long gown lined all

through with wolf-skins, with a short sword mounted with a gilded hilt and

covered with a velvet scabbard, and with fifty good single angels; then in

a familiar and friendly way did he ask of him his opinion touching the

affair.  At the very first Herr Trippa, looking on him very wistly in the

face, said unto him:  Thou hast the metoposcopy and physiognomy of a

cuckold,--I say, of a notorious and infamous cuckold.  With this, casting

an eye upon Panurge’s right hand in all the parts thereof, he said, This

rugged draught which I see here, just under the mount of Jove, was never

yet but in the hand of a cuckold.  Afterwards, he with a white lead pen

swiftly and hastily drew a certain number of diverse kinds of points, which

by rules of geomancy he coupled and joined together; then said:  Truth

itself is not truer than that it is certain thou wilt be a cuckold a little

after thy marriage.  That being done, he asked of Panurge the horoscope of

his nativity, which was no sooner by Panurge tendered unto him, than that,

erecting a figure, he very promptly and speedily formed and fashioned a

complete fabric of the houses of heaven in all their parts, whereof when he

had considered the situation and the aspects in their triplicities, he

fetched a deep sigh, and said:  I have clearly enough already discovered

unto you the fate of your cuckoldry, which is unavoidable, you cannot

escape it.  And here have I got of new a further assurance thereof, so that

I may now hardily pronounce and affirm, without any scruple or hesitation

at all, that thou wilt be a cuckold; that furthermore, thou wilt be beaten

by thine own wife, and that she will purloin, filch and steal of thy goods

from thee; for I find the seventh house, in all its aspects, of a malignant

influence, and every one of the planets threatening thee with disgrace,

according as they stand seated towards one another, in relation to the

horned signs of Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn.  In the fourth house I find

Jupiter in a decadence, as also in a tetragonal aspect to Saturn,

associated with Mercury.  Thou wilt be soundly peppered, my good, honest

fellow, I warrant thee.  I will be? answered Panurge.  A plague rot thee,

thou old fool and doting sot, how graceless and unpleasant thou art!  When

all cuckolds shall be at a general rendezvous, thou shouldst be their

standard-bearer.  But whence comes this ciron-worm betwixt these two

fingers?  This Panurge said, putting the forefinger of his left hand

betwixt the fore and mid finger of the right, which he thrust out towards

Herr Trippa, holding them open after the manner of two horns, and shutting

into his fist his thumb with the other fingers.  Then, in turning to

Epistemon, he said:  Lo here the true Olus of Martial, who addicted and

devoted himself wholly to the observing the miseries, crosses, and

calamities of others, whilst his own wife, in the interim, did keep an open

bawdy-house.  This varlet is poorer than ever was Irus, and yet he is

proud, vaunting, arrogant, self-conceited, overweening, and more

insupportable than seventeen devils; in one word, Ptochalazon, which term

of old was applied to the like beggarly strutting coxcombs.  Come, let us

leave this madpash bedlam, this hairbrained fop, and give him leave to rave

and dose his bellyful with his private and intimately acquainted devils,

who, if they were not the very worst of all infernal fiends, would never

have deigned to serve such a knavish barking cur as this is.  He hath not

learnt the first precept of philosophy, which is, Know thyself; for whilst

he braggeth and boasteth that he can discern the least mote in the eye of

another, he is not able to see the huge block that puts out the sight of

both his eyes.  This is such another Polypragmon as is by Plutarch

described.  He is of the nature of the Lamian witches, who in foreign

places, in the houses of strangers, in public, and amongst the common

people, had a sharper and more piercing inspection into their affairs than

any lynx, but at home in their own proper dwelling-mansions were blinder

than moldwarps, and saw nothing at all.  For their custom was, at their

return from abroad, when they were by themselves in private, to take their

eyes out of their head, from whence they were as easily removable as a pair

of spectacles from their nose, and to lay them up into a wooden slipper

which for that purpose did hang behind the door of their lodging.

Panurge had no sooner done speaking, when Herr Trippa took into his hand a

tamarisk branch.  In this, quoth Epistemon, he doth very well, right, and

like an artist, for Nicander calleth it the divinatory tree.  Have you a

mind, quoth Herr Trippa, to have the truth of the matter yet more fully and

amply disclosed unto you by pyromancy, by aeromancy, whereof Aristophanes

in his Clouds maketh great estimation, by hydromancy, by lecanomancy, of

old in prime request amongst the Assyrians, and thoroughly tried by

Hermolaus Barbarus.  Come hither, and I will show thee in this platterful

of fair fountain-water thy future wife lechering and sercroupierizing it

with two swaggering ruffians, one after another.  Yea, but have a special

care, quoth Panurge, when thou comest to put thy nose within mine arse,

that thou forget not to pull off thy spectacles.  Herr Trippa, going on in

his discourse, said, By catoptromancy, likewise held in such account by the

Emperor Didius Julianus, that by means thereof he ever and anon foresaw all

that which at any time did happen or befall unto him.  Thou shalt not need

to put on thy spectacles, for in a mirror thou wilt see her as clearly and

manifestly nebrundiated and billibodring it, as if I should show it in the

fountain of the temple of Minerva near Patras.  By coscinomancy, most

religiously observed of old amidst the ceremonies of the ancient Romans.

Let us have a sieve and shears, and thou shalt see devils.  By

alphitomancy, cried up by Theocritus in his Pharmaceutria.  By alentomancy,

mixing the flour of wheat with oatmeal.  By astragalomancy, whereof I have

the plots and models all at hand ready for the purpose.  By tyromancy,

whereof we make some proof in a great Brehemont cheese which I here keep by

me.  By giromancy, if thou shouldst turn round circles, thou mightest

assure thyself from me that they would fall always on the wrong side.  By

sternomancy, which maketh nothing for thy advantage, for thou hast an

ill-proportioned stomach.  By libanomancy, for the which we shall need but

a little frankincense.  By gastromancy, which kind of ventral fatiloquency

was for a long time together used in Ferrara by Lady Giacoma Rodogina, the

Engastrimythian prophetess.  By cephalomancy, often practised amongst the

High Germans in their boiling of an ass’s head upon burning coals.  By

ceromancy, where, by the means of wax dissolved into water, thou shalt see

the figure, portrait, and lively representation of thy future wife, and of

her fredin fredaliatory belly-thumping blades.  By capnomancy.  O the

gallantest and most excellent of all secrets!  By axionomancy; we want only

a hatchet and a jet-stone to be laid together upon a quick fire of hot

embers.  O how bravely Homer was versed in the practice hereof towards

Penelope’s suitors!  By onymancy; for that we have oil and wax.  By

tephromancy.  Thou wilt see the ashes thus aloft dispersed exhibiting thy

wife in a fine posture.  By botanomancy; for the nonce I have some few

leaves in reserve.  By sicomancy; O divine art in fig-tree leaves!  By

icthiomancy, in ancient times so celebrated, and put in use by Tiresias and

Polydamas, with the like certainty of event as was tried of old at the

Dina-ditch within that grove consecrated to Apollo which is in the

territory of the Lycians.  By choiromancy; let us have a great many hogs,

and thou shalt have the bladder of one of them.  By cheromancy, as the bean

is found in the cake at the Epiphany vigil.  By anthropomancy, practised by

the Roman Emperor Heliogabalus.  It is somewhat irksome, but thou wilt

endure it well enough, seeing thou art destinated to be a cuckold.  By a

sibylline stichomancy.  By onomatomancy.  How do they call thee?

Chaw-turd, quoth Panurge.  Or yet by alectryomancy.  If I should here with

a compass draw a round, and in looking upon thee, and considering thy lot,

divide the circumference thereof into four-and-twenty equal parts, then

form a several letter of the alphabet upon every one of them; and, lastly,

posit a barleycorn or two upon each of these so disposed letters, I durst

promise upon my faith and honesty that, if a young virgin cock be permitted

to range alongst and athwart them, he should only eat the grains which are

set and placed upon these letters, A. C.U.C.K.O.L.D. T.H.O.U. S.H.A.L.T.

B.E.  And that as fatidically as, under the Emperor Valens, most

perplexedly desirous to know the name of him who should be his successor to

the empire, the cock vacticinating and alectryomantic ate up the pickles

that were posited on the letters T.H.E.O.D.  Or, for the more certainty,

will you have a trial of your fortune by the art of aruspiciny, by augury,

or by extispiciny?  By turdispiciny, quoth Panurge.  Or yet by the mystery

of necromancy?  I will, if you please, suddenly set up again and revive

someone lately deceased, as Apollonius of Tyane did to Achilles, and the

Pythoness in the presence of Saul; which body, so raised up and

requickened, will tell us the sum of all you shall require of him:  no more

nor less than, at the invocation of Erictho, a certain defunct person

foretold to Pompey the whole progress and issue of the fatal battle fought

in the Pharsalian fields.  Or, if you be afraid of the dead, as commonly

all cuckolds are, I will make use of the faculty of sciomancy.

Go, get thee gone, quoth Panurge, thou frantic ass, to the devil, and be

buggered, filthy Bardachio that thou art, by some Albanian, for a

steeple-crowned hat.  Why the devil didst not thou counsel me as well to

hold an emerald or the stone of a hyaena under my tongue, or to furnish and

provide myself with tongues of whoops, and hearts of green frogs, or to eat

of the liver and milt of some dragon, to the end that by those means I

might, at the chanting and chirping of swans and other fowls, understand the

substance of my future lot and destiny, as did of old the Arabians in the

country of Mesopotamia?  Fifteen brace of devils seize upon the body and

soul of this horned renegado, miscreant cuckold, the enchanter, witch, and

sorcerer of Antichrist to all the devils of hell!  Let us return towards our

king.  I am sure he will not be well pleased with us if he once come to get

notice that we have been in the kennel of this muffled devil.  I repent my

being come hither.  I would willingly dispense with a hundred nobles and

fourteen yeomans, on condition that he who not long since did blow in the

bottom of my breeches should instantly with his squirting spittle inluminate

his moustaches.  O Lord God now! how the villain hath besmoked me with

vexation and anger, with charms and witchcraft, and with a terrible coil and

stir of infernal and Tartarian devils!  The devil take him!  Say Amen, and

let us go drink.  I shall not have any appetite for my victuals, how good

cheer soever I make, these two days to come,--hardly these four.

Chapter 3.XXVI.

How Panurge consulteth with Friar John of the Funnels.

Panurge was indeed very much troubled in mind and disquieted at the words

of Herr Trippa, and therefore, as he passed by the little village of

Huymes, after he had made his address to Friar John, in pecking at,

rubbing, and scratching his own left ear, he said unto him, Keep me a

little jovial and merry, my dear and sweet bully, for I find my brains

altogether metagrabolized and confounded, and my spirits in a most dunsical

puzzle at the bitter talk of this devilish, hellish, damned fool.  Hearken,

my dainty cod.

Mellow C.            Varnished C.      Resolute C.

Lead-coloured C.     Renowned C.       Cabbage-like C.

Knurled C.           Matted C.         Courteous C.

Suborned C.          Genitive C.       Fertile C.

Desired C.           Gigantal C.       Whizzing C.

Stuffed C.           Oval C.           Neat C.

Speckled C.          Claustral C.      Common C.

Finely metalled C.   Virile C.         Brisk C.

Arabian-like C.      Stayed C.         Quick C.

Trussed-up Grey-     Massive C.        Bearlike C.

  hound-like C.      Manual C.         Partitional C.

Mounted C.           Absolute C.       Patronymic C.

Sleeked C.           Well-set C.       Cockney C.

Diapered C.          Gemel C.          Auromercuriated C.

Spotted C.           Turkish C.        Robust C.

Master C.            Burning C.        Appetizing C.

Seeded C.            Thwacking C.      Succourable C.

Lusty C.             Urgent C.         Redoubtable C.

Jupped C.            Handsome C.       Affable C.

Milked C.            Prompt C.         Memorable C.

Calfeted C.          Fortunate C.      Palpable C.

Raised C.            Boxwood C.        Barbable C.

Odd C.               Latten C.         Tragical C.

Steeled C.           Unbridled C.      Transpontine C.

Stale C.             Hooked C.         Digestive C.

Orange-tawny C.      Researched C.     Active C.

Embroidered C.       Encompassed C.    Vital C.

Glazed C.            Strouting out C.  Magistral C.

Interlarded C.       Jolly C.          Monachal C.

Burgher-like C.      Lively C.         Subtle C.

Empowdered C.        Gerundive C.      Hammering C.

Ebonized C.          Franked C.        Clashing C.

Brasiliated C.       Polished C.       Tingling C.

Organized C.         Powdered Beef C.  Usual C.

Passable C.          Positive C.       Exquisite C.

Trunkified C.        Spared C.         Trim C.

Furious C.           Bold C.           Succulent C.

Packed C.            Lascivious C.     Factious C.

Hooded C.            Gluttonous C.     Clammy C.

Fat C.               Boulting C.       New-vamped C.

High-prized C.       Snorting C.       Improved C.

Requisite C.         Pilfering C.      Malling C.

Laycod C.            Shaking C.        Sounding C.

Hand-filling C.      Bobbing C.        Battled C.

Insuperable C.       Chiveted C.       Burly C.

Agreeable C.         Fumbling C.       Seditious C.

Formidable C.        Topsyturvying C.  Wardian C.

Profitable C.        Raging C.         Protective C.

Notable C.           Piled up C.       Twinkling C.

Musculous C.         Filled up C.      Able C.

Subsidiary C.        Manly C.          Algoristical C.

Satiric C.           Idle C.           Odoriferous C.

Repercussive C.      Membrous C.       Pranked C.

Convulsive C.        Strong C.         Jocund C.

Restorative C.       Twin C.           Routing C.

Masculinating C.     Belabouring C.    Purloining C.

Incarnative C.       Gentle C.         Frolic C.

Sigillative C.       Stirring C.       Wagging C.

Sallying C.          Confident C.      Ruffling C.

Plump C.             Nimble C.         Jumbling C.

Thundering C.        Roundheaded C.    Rumbling C.

Lechering C.         Figging C.        Thumping C.

Fulminating C.       Helpful C.        Bumping C.

Sparkling C.         Spruce C.         Cringeling C.

Ramming C.           Plucking C.       Berumpling C.

Lusty C.             Ramage C.         Jogging C.

Household C.         Fine C.           Nobbing C.

Pretty C.            Fierce C.         Touzing C.

Astrolabian C.       Brawny C.         Tumbling C.

Algebraical C.       Compt C.          Fambling C.

Venust C.            Repaired C.       Overturning C.

Aromatizing C.       Soft C.           Shooting C.

Tricksy C.           Wild C.           Culeting C.

Paillard C.          Renewed C.        Jagged C.

Gaillard C.          Quaint C.         Pinked C.

Broaching C.         Starting C.       Arsiversing C.

Addle C.             Fleshy C.         Polished C.

Syndicated C.        Auxiliary C.      Slashed C.

Hamed C.             Stuffed C.        Clashing C.

Leisurely C.         Well-fed C.       Wagging C.

Cut C.               Flourished C.     Scriplike C.

Smooth C.            Fallow C.         Encremastered C.

Depending C.         Sudden C.         Bouncing C.

Independent C.       Graspful C.       Levelling C.

Lingering C.         Swillpow C.       Fly-flap C.

Rapping C.           Crushing C.       Perinae-tegminal C.

Reverend C.          Creaking C.       Squat-couching C.

Nodding C.           Dilting C.        Short-hung C.

Disseminating C.     Ready C.          The hypogastrian C.

Affecting C.         Vigorous C.       Witness-bearing C.

Affected C.          Skulking C.       Testigerous C.

Grappled C.          Superlative C.    Instrumental C.

My harcabuzing cod and buttock-stirring ballock, Friar John, my friend, I

do carry a singular respect unto thee, and honour thee with all my heart.

Thy counsel I hold for a choice and delicate morsel; therefore have I

reserved it for the last bit.  Give me thy advice freely, I beseech thee,

Should I marry or no?  Friar John very merrily, and with a sprightly

cheerfulness, made this answer to him:  Marry, in the devil’s name.  Why

not?  What the devil else shouldst thou do but marry?  Take thee a wife,

and furbish her harness to some tune.  Swinge her skin-coat as if thou wert

beating on stock-fish; and let the repercussion of thy clapper from her

resounding metal make a noise as if a double peal of chiming-bells were

hung at the cremasters of thy ballocks.  As I say marry, so do I understand

that thou shouldst fall to work as speedily as may be; yea, my meaning is

that thou oughtest to be so quick and forward therein, as on this same very

day, before sunset, to cause proclaim thy banns of matrimony, and make

provision of bedsteads.  By the blood of a hog’s-pudding, till when wouldst

thou delay the acting of a husband’s part?  Dost thou not know, and is it

not daily told unto thee, that the end of the world approacheth?  We are

nearer it by three poles and half a fathom than we were two days ago.  The

Antichrist is already born; at least it is so reported by many.  The truth

is, that hitherto the effects of his wrath have not reached further than to

the scratching of his nurse and governesses.  His nails are not sharp

enough as yet, nor have his claws attained to their full growth,--he is

little.

  Crescat; Nos qui vivimus, multiplicemur.

It is written so, and it is holy stuff, I warrant you; the truth whereof is

like to last as long as a sack of corn may be had for a penny, and a

puncheon of pure wine for threepence.  Wouldst thou be content to be found

with thy genitories full in the day of judgment?  Dum venerit judicari?

Thou hast, quoth Panurge, a right, clear, and neat spirit, Friar John, my

metropolitan cod; thou speakst in very deed pertinently and to purpose.

That belike was the reason which moved Leander of Abydos in Asia, whilst he

was swimming through the Hellespontic sea to make a visit to his sweetheart

Hero of Sestus in Europe, to pray unto Neptune and all the other marine

gods, thus:

  Now, whilst I go, have pity on me,

  And at my back returning drown me.

He was loth, it seems, to die with his cods overgorged.  He was to be

commended; therefore do I promise, that from henceforth no malefactor shall

by justice be executed within my jurisdiction of Salmigondinois, who shall

not, for a day or two at least before, be permitted to culbut and

foraminate onocrotalwise, that there remain not in all his vessels to write

a Greek Y.  Such a precious thing should not be foolishly cast away.  He

will perhaps therewith beget a male, and so depart the more contentedly out

of this life, that he shall have left behind him one for one.

Chapter 3.XXVII.

How Friar John merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge.

By Saint Rigomet, quoth Friar John, I do advise thee to nothing, my dear

friend Panurge, which I would not do myself were I in thy place.  Only have

a special care, and take good heed thou solder well together the joints of

the double-backed and two-bellied beast, and fortify thy nerves so

strongly, that there be no discontinuance in the knocks of the venerean

thwacking, else thou art lost, poor soul.  For if there pass long intervals

betwixt the priapizing feats, and that thou make an intermission of too

large a time, that will befall thee which betides the nurses if they desist

from giving suck to children--they lose their milk; and if continually thou

do not hold thy aspersory tool in exercise, and keep thy mentul going, thy

lacticinian nectar will be gone, and it will serve thee only as a pipe to

piss out at, and thy cods for a wallet of lesser value than a beggar’s

scrip.  This is a certain truth I tell thee, friend, and doubt not of it;

for myself have seen the sad experiment thereof in many, who cannot now do

what they would, because before they did not what they might have done:  Ex

desuetudine amittuntur privilegia.  Non-usage oftentimes destroys one’s

right, say the learned doctors of the law; therefore, my billy, entertain

as well as possibly thou canst that hypogastrian lower sort of troglodytic

people, that their chief pleasure may be placed in the case of sempiternal

labouring.  Give order that henceforth they live not, like idle gentlemen,

idly upon their rents and revenues, but that they may work for their

livelihood by breaking ground within the Paphian trenches.  Nay truly,

answered Panurge, Friar John, my left ballock, I will believe thee, for

thou dealest plain with me, and fallest downright square upon the business,

without going about the bush with frivolous circumstances and unnecessary

reservations.  Thou with the splendour of a piercing wit hast dissipated

all the lowering clouds of anxious apprehensions and suspicions which did

intimidate and terrify me; therefore the heavens be pleased to grant to

thee at all she-conflicts a stiff-standing fortune.  Well then, as thou

hast said, so will I do; I will, in good faith, marry,--in that point there

shall be no failing, I promise thee,--and shall have always by me pretty

girls clothed with the name of my wife’s waiting-maids, that, lying under

thy wings, thou mayest be night-protector of their sisterhood.

Let this serve for the first part of the sermon.  Hearken, quoth Friar

John, to the oracle of the bells of Varenes.  What say they?  I hear and

understand them, quoth Panurge; their sound is, by my thirst, more

uprightly fatidical than that of Jove’s great kettles in Dodona.  Hearken!

Take thee a wife, take thee a wife, and marry, marry, marry; for if thou

marry, thou shalt find good therein, herein, here in a wife thou shalt find

good; so marry, marry.  I will assure thee that I shall be married; all the

elements invite and prompt me to it.  Let this word be to thee a brazen

wall, by diffidence not to be broken through.  As for the second part of

this our doctrine,--thou seemest in some measure to mistrust the readiness

of my paternity in the practising of my placket-racket within the

Aphrodisian tennis-court at all times fitting, as if the stiff god of

gardens were not favourable to me.  I pray thee, favour me so much as to

believe that I still have him at a beck, attending always my commandments,

docile, obedient, vigorous, and active in all things and everywhere, and

never stubborn or refractory to my will or pleasure.  I need no more but to

let go the reins, and slacken the leash, which is the belly-point, and when

the game is shown unto him, say, Hey, Jack, to thy booty! he will not fail

even then to flesh himself upon his prey, and tuzzle it to some purpose.

Hereby you may perceive, although my future wife were as unsatiable and

gluttonous in her voluptuousness and the delights of venery as ever was the

Empress Messalina, or yet the Marchioness (of Oincester) in England, and I

desire thee to give credit to it, that I lack not for what is requisite to

overlay the stomach of her lust, but have wherewith aboundingly to please

her.  I am not ignorant that Solomon said, who indeed of that matter

speaketh clerklike and learnedly,--as also how Aristotle after him declared

for a truth that, for the greater part, the lechery of a woman is ravenous

and unsatisfiable.  Nevertheless, let such as are my friends who read those

passages receive from me for a most real verity, that I for such a Jill

have a fit Jack; and that, if women’s things cannot be satiated, I have an

instrument indefatigable,--an implement as copious in the giving as can in

craving be their vade mecums.  Do not here produce ancient examples of the

paragons of paillardice, and offer to match with my testiculatory ability

the Priapaean prowess of the fabulous fornicators, Hercules, Proculus

Caesar, and Mahomet, who in his Alkoran doth vaunt that in his cods he had

the vigour of three score bully ruffians; but let no zealous Christian

trust the rogue,--the filthy ribald rascal is a liar.  Nor shalt thou need

to urge authorities, or bring forth the instance of the Indian prince of

whom Theophrastus, Plinius, and Athenaeus testify, that with the help of a

certain herb he was able, and had given frequent experiments thereof, to

toss his sinewy piece of generation in the act of carnal concupiscence

above three score and ten times in the space of four-and-twenty hours.  Of

that I believe nothing, the number is supposititious, and too prodigally

foisted in.  Give no faith unto it, I beseech thee, but prithee trust me in

this, and thy credulity therein shall not be wronged, for it is true, and

probatum est, that my pioneer of nature--the sacred ithyphallian champion

--is of all stiff-intruding blades the primest.  Come hither, my ballocket,

and hearken.  Didst thou ever see the monk of Castre’s cowl?  When in any

house it was laid down, whether openly in the view of all or covertly out

of the sight of any, such was the ineffable virtue thereof for excitating

and stirring up the people of both sexes unto lechery, that the whole

inhabitants and indwellers, not only of that, but likewise of all the

circumjacent places thereto, within three leagues around it, did suddenly

enter into rut, both beasts and folks, men and women, even to the dogs and

hogs, rats and cats.

I swear to thee that many times heretofore I have perceived and found in my

codpiece a certain kind of energy or efficacious virtue much more irregular

and of a greater anomaly than what I have related.  I will not speak to

thee either of house or cottage, nor of church or market, but only tell

thee, that once at the representation of the Passion, which was acted at

Saint Maxents, I had no sooner entered within the pit of the theatre, but

that forthwith, by the virtue and occult property of it, on a sudden all

that were there, both players and spectators, did fall into such an

exorbitant temptation of lust, that there was not angel, man, devil, nor

deviless upon the place who would not then have bricollitched it with all

their heart and soul.  The prompter forsook his copy, he who played

Michael’s part came down to rights, the devils issued out of hell and

carried along with them most of the pretty little girls that were there;

yea, Lucifer got out of his fetters; in a word, seeing the huge disorder, I

disparked myself forth of that enclosed place, in imitation of Cato the

Censor, who perceiving, by reason of his presence, the Floralian festivals

out of order, withdrew himself.

Chapter 3.XXVIII.

How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the doubtful matter of cuckoldry.

I understand thee well enough, said Friar John; but time makes all things

plain.  The most durable marble or porphyry is subject to old age and

decay.  Though for the present thou possibly be not weary of the exercise,

yet is it like I will hear thee confess a few years hence that thy cods

hang dangling downwards for want of a better truss.  I see thee waxing a

little hoar-headed already.  Thy beard, by the distinction of grey, white,

tawny, and black, hath to my thinking the resemblance of a map of the

terrestrial globe or geographical chart.  Look attentively upon and take

inspection of what I shall show unto thee.  Behold there Asia.  Here are

Tigris and Euphrates.  Lo there Afric.  Here is the mountain of the Moon,

--yonder thou mayst perceive the fenny march of Nilus.  On this side lieth

Europe.  Dost thou not see the Abbey of Theleme?  This little tuft, which

is altogether white, is the Hyperborean Hills.  By the thirst of my

thropple, friend, when snow is on the mountains, I say the head and the

chin, there is not then any considerable heat to be expected in the valleys

and low countries of the codpiece.  By the kibes of thy heels, quoth

Panurge, thou dost not understand the topics.  When snow is on the tops of

the hills, lightning, thunder, tempest, whirlwinds, storms, hurricanes, and

all the devils of hell rage in the valleys.  Wouldst thou see the

experience thereof, go to the territory of the Switzers and earnestly

perpend with thyself there the situation of the lake of Wunderberlich,

about four leagues distant from Berne, on the Syon-side of the land.  Thou

twittest me with my grey hairs, yet considerest not how I am of the nature

of leeks, which with a white head carry a green, fresh, straight, and

vigorous tail.  The truth is, nevertheless (why should I deny it), that I

now and then discern in myself some indicative signs of old age.  Tell

this, I prithee, to nobody, but let it be kept very close and secret

betwixt us two; for I find the wine much sweeter now, more savoury to my

taste, and unto my palate of a better relish than formerly I was wont to

do; and withal, besides mine accustomed manner, I have a more dreadful

apprehension than I ever heretofore have had of lighting on bad wine.  Note

and observe that this doth argue and portend I know not what of the west

and occident of my time, and signifieth that the south and meridian of mine

age is past.  But what then, my gentle companion?  That doth but betoken

that I will hereafter drink so much the more.  That is not, the devil hale

it, the thing that I fear; nor is it there where my shoe pinches.  The

thing that I doubt most, and have greatest reason to dread and suspect is,

that through some long absence of our King Pantagruel (to whom I must needs

bear company should he go to all the devils of Barathrum), my future wife

shall make me a cuckold.  This is, in truth, the long and short on’t.  For

I am by all those whom I have spoke to menaced and threatened with a horned

fortune, and all of them affirm it is the lot to which from heaven I am

predestinated.  Everyone, answered Friar John, that would be a cuckold is

not one.  If it be thy fate to be hereafter of the number of that horned

cattle, then may I conclude with an Ergo, thy wife will be beautiful, and

Ergo, thou wilt be kindly used by her.  Likewise with this Ergo, thou shalt

be blessed with the fruition of many friends and well-willers.  And finally

with this other Ergo, thou shalt be saved and have a place in Paradise.

These are monachal topics and maxims of the cloister.  Thou mayst take more

liberty to sin.  Thou shalt be more at ease than ever.  There will be never

the less left for thee, nothing diminished, but thy goods shall increase

notably.  And if so be it was preordinated for thee, wouldst thou be so

impious as not to acquiesce in thy destiny?  Speak, thou jaded cod.

Faded C.           Louting C.            Appellant C.

Mouldy C.          Discouraged C.        Swagging C.

Musty C.           Surfeited C.          Withered C.

Paltry C.          Peevish C.            Broken-reined C.

Senseless C.       Translated C.         Defective C.

Foundered C.       Forlorn C.            Crestfallen C.

Distempered C.     Unsavoury C.          Felled C.

Bewrayed C.        Worm-eaten C.         Fleeted C.

Inveigled C.       Overtoiled C.         Cloyed C.

Dangling C.        Miserable C.          Squeezed C.

Stupid C.          Steeped C.            Resty C.

Seedless C.        Kneaded-with-cold-    Pounded C.

Soaked C.            water C.            Loose C.

Coldish C.         Hacked C.             Fruitless C.

Pickled C.         Flaggy C.             Riven C.

Churned C.         Scrubby C.            Pursy C.

Filliped C.        Drained C.            Fusty C.

Singlefied C.      Haled C.              Jadish C.

Begrimed C.        Lolling C.            Fistulous C.

Wrinkled C.        Drenched C.           Languishing C.

Fainted C.         Burst C.              Maleficiated C.

Extenuated C.      Stirred up C.         Hectic C.

Grim C.            Mitred C.             Worn out C.

Wasted C.          Peddlingly furnished  Ill-favoured C.

Inflamed C.          C.                  Duncified C.

Unhinged C.        Rusty C.              Macerated C.

Scurfy C.          Exhausted C.          Paralytic C.

Straddling C.      Perplexed C.          Degraded C.

Putrefied C.       Unhelved C.           Benumbed C.

Maimed C.          Fizzled C.            Bat-like C.

Overlechered C.    Leprous C.            Fart-shotten C.

Druggely C.        Bruised C.            Sunburnt C.

Mitified C.        Spadonic C.           Pacified C.

Goat-ridden C.     Boughty C.            Blunted C.

Weakened C.        Mealy C.              Rankling tasted C.

Ass-ridden C.      Wrangling C.          Rooted out C.

Puff-pasted C.     Gangrened C.          Costive C.

St. Anthonified C. Crust-risen C.        Hailed on C.

Untriped C.        Ragged C.             Cuffed C.

Blasted C.         Quelled C.            Buffeted C.

Cut off C.         Braggadocio C.        Whirreted C.

Beveraged C.       Beggarly C.           Robbed C.

Scarified C.       Trepanned C.          Neglected C.

Dashed C.          Bedusked C.           Lame C.

Slashed C.         Emasculated C.        Confused C.

Enfeebled C.       Corked C.             Unsavoury C.

Whore-hunting C.   Transparent C.        Overthrown C.

Deteriorated C.    Vile C.               Boulted C.

Chill C.           Antedated C.          Trod under C.

Scrupulous C.      Chopped C.            Desolate C.

Crazed C.          Pinked C.             Declining C.

Tasteless C.       Cup-glassified C.     Stinking C.

Sorrowful C.       Harsh C.              Crooked C.

Murdered C.        Beaten C.             Brabbling C.

Matachin-like C.   Barred C.             Rotten C.

Besotted C.        Abandoned C.          Anxious C.

Customerless C.    Confounded C.         Clouted C.

Minced C.          Loutish C.            Tired C.

Exulcerated C.     Borne down C.         Proud C.

Patched C.         Sparred C.            Fractured C.

Stupified C.       Abashed C.            Melancholy C.

Annihilated C.     Unseasonable C.       Coxcombly C.

Spent C.           Oppressed C.          Base C.

Foiled C.          Grated C.             Bleaked C.

Anguished C.       Falling away C.       Detested C.

Disfigured C.      Smallcut C.           Diaphanous C.

Disabled C.        Disordered C.         Unworthy C.

Forceless C.       Latticed C.           Checked C.

Censured C.        Ruined C.             Mangled C.

Cut C.             Exasperated C.        Turned over C.

Rifled C.          Rejected C.           Harried C.

Undone C.          Belammed C.           Flawed C.

Corrected C.       Fabricitant C.        Froward C.

Slit C.            Perused C.            Ugly C.

Skittish C.        Emasculated C.        Drawn C.

Spongy C.          Roughly handled C.    Riven C.

Botched C.         Examined C.           Distasteful C.

Dejected C.        Cracked C.            Hanging C.

Jagged C.          Wayward C.            Broken C.

Pining C.          Haggled C.            Limber C.

Deformed C.        Gleaning C.           Effeminate C.

Mischieved C.      Ill-favoured C.       Kindled C.

Cobbled C.         Pulled C.             Evacuated C.

Embased C.         Drooping C.           Grieved C.

Ransacked C.       Faint C.              Carking C.

Despised C.        Parched C.            Disorderly C.

Mangy C.           Paltry C.             Empty C.

Abased C.          Cankered C.           Disquieted C.

Supine C.          Void C.               Besysted C.

Mended C.          Vexed C.              Confounded C.

Dismayed C.        Bestunk C.            Hooked C.

Divorous C.        Winnowed C.           Unlucky C.

Wearied C.         Decayed C.            Sterile C.

Sad C.             Disastrous C.         Beshitten C.

Cross C.           Unhandsome C.         Appeased C.

Vain-glorious C.   Stummed C.            Caitiff C.

Poor C.            Barren C.             Woeful C.

Brown C.           Wretched C.           Unseemly C.

Shrunken C.        Feeble C.             Heavy C.

Abhorred C.        Cast down C.          Weak C.

Troubled C.        Stopped C.            Prostrated C.

Scornful C.        Kept under C.         Uncomely C.

Dishonest C.       Stubborn C.           Naughty C.

Reproved C.        Ground C.             Laid flat C.

Cocketed C.        Retchless C.          Suffocated C.

Filthy C.          Weather-beaten C.     Held down C.

Shred C.           Flayed C.             Barked C.

Chawned C.         Bald C.               Hairless C.

Short-winded C.    Tossed C.             Flamping C.

Branchless C.      Flapping C.           Hooded C.

Chapped C.         Cleft C.              Wormy C.

Failing C.         Meagre C.             Besysted (In his anxiety to swell

his catalogue as much as possible, Sir Thomas Urquhart has set down this

word twice.) C.

Deficient C.       Dumpified C.          Faulty C.

Lean C.            Suppressed C.         Bemealed C.

Consumed C.        Hagged C.             Mortified C.

Used C.            Jawped C.             Scurvy C.

Puzzled C.         Havocked C.           Bescabbed C.

Allayed C.         Astonished C.         Torn C.

Spoiled C.         Dulled C.             Subdued C.

Clagged C.         Slow C.               Sneaking C.

Palsy-stricken C.  Plucked up C.         Bare C.

Amazed C.          Constipated C.        Swart C.

Bedunsed C.        Blown C.              Smutched C.

Extirpated C.      Blockified C.         Raised up C.

Banged C.          Pommelled C.          Chopped C.

Stripped C.        All-to-bemauled C.    Flirted C.

Hoary C.           Fallen away C.        Blained C.

Blotted C.         Stale C.              Rensy C.

Sunk in C.         Corrupted C.          Frowning C.

Ghastly C.         Beflowered C.         Limping C.

Unpointed C.       Amated C.             Ravelled C.

Beblistered C.     Blackish C.           Rammish C.

Wizened C.         Underlaid C.          Gaunt C.

Beggar-plated C.   Loathing C.           Beskimmered C.

Douf C.            Ill-filled C.         Scraggy C.

Clarty C.          Bobbed C.             Lank C.

Lumpish C.         Mated C.              Swashering C.

Abject C.          Tawny C.              Moiling C.

Side C.            Whealed C.            Swinking C.

Choked up C.       Besmeared C.          Harried C.

Backward C.        Hollow C.             Tugged C.

Prolix C.          Pantless C.           Towed C.

Spotted C.         Guizened C.           Misused C.

Crumpled C.        Demiss C.             Adamitical C.

Frumpled C.        Refractory C.

Ballockatso to the devil, my dear friend Panurge, seeing it is so decreed

by the gods, wouldst thou invert the course of the planets, and make them

retrograde?  Wouldst thou disorder all the celestial spheres, blame the

intelligences, blunt the spindles, joint the wherves, slander the spinning

quills, reproach the bobbins, revile the clew-bottoms, and finally ravel

and untwist all the threads of both the warp and the waft of the weird

Sister-Parcae?  What a pox to thy bones dost thou mean, stony cod?  Thou

wouldst if thou couldst, a great deal worse than the giants of old intended

to have done.  Come hither, billicullion.  Whether wouldst thou be jealous

without cause, or be a cuckold and know nothing of it?  Neither the one nor

the other, quoth Panurge, would I choose to be.  But if I get an inkling of

the matter, I will provide well enough, or there shall not be one stick of

wood within five hundred leagues about me whereof to make a cudgel.  In

good faith, Friar John, I speak now seriously unto thee, I think it will be

my best not to marry.  Hearken to what the bells do tell me, now that we

are nearer to them!  Do not marry, marry not, not, not, not, not; marry,

marry not, not, not, not, not.  If thou marry, thou wilt miscarry, carry,

carry; thou’lt repent it, resent it, sent it!  If thou marry, thou a

cuckold, a cou-cou-cuckoo, cou-cou-cuckold thou shalt be.  By the worthy

wrath of God, I begin to be angry.  This campanilian oracle fretteth me to

the guts,--a March hare was never in such a chafe as I am.  O how I am

vexed!  You monks and friars of the cowl-pated and hood-polled fraternity,

have you no remedy nor salve against this malady of graffing horns in

heads?  Hath nature so abandoned humankind, and of her help left us so

destitute, that married men cannot know how to sail through the seas of

this mortal life and be safe from the whirlpools, quicksands, rocks, and

banks that lie alongst the coast of Cornwall.

I will, said Friar John, show thee a way and teach thee an expedient by

means whereof thy wife shall never make thee a cuckold without thy

knowledge and thine own consent.  Do me the favour, I pray thee, quoth

Panurge, my pretty, soft, downy cod; now tell it, billy, tell it, I beseech

thee.  Take, quoth Friar John, Hans Carvel’s ring upon thy finger, who was

the King of Melinda’s chief jeweller.  Besides that this Hans Carvel had

the reputation of being very skilful and expert in the lapidary’s

profession, he was a studious, learned, and ingenious man, a scientific

person, full of knowledge, a great philosopher, of a sound judgment, of a

prime wit, good sense, clear spirited, an honest creature, courteous,

charitable, a giver of alms, and of a jovial humour, a boon companion, and

a merry blade, if ever there was any in the world.  He was somewhat

gorbellied, had a little shake in his head, and was in effect unwieldy of

his body.  In his old age he took to wife the Bailiff of Concordat’s

daughter, young, fair, jolly, gallant, spruce, frisk, brisk, neat, feat,

smirk, smug, compt, quaint, gay, fine, tricksy, trim, decent, proper,

graceful, handsome, beautiful, comely, and kind--a little too much--to her

neighbours and acquaintance.

Hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a scantling of weeks, that

Master Carvel became as jealous as a tiger, and entered into a very

profound suspicion that his new-married gixy did keep a-buttock-stirring

with others.  To prevent which inconveniency he did tell her many tragical

stories of the total ruin of several kingdoms by adultery; did read unto

her the legend of chaste wives; then made some lectures to her in the

praise of the choice virtue of pudicity, and did present her with a book in

commendation of conjugal fidelity; wherein the wickedness of all licentious

women was odiously detested; and withal he gave her a chain enriched with

pure oriental sapphires.  Notwithstanding all this, he found her always

more and more inclined to the reception of her neighbour copes-mates, that

day by day his jealousy increased.  In sequel whereof, one night as he was

lying by her, whilst in his sleep the rambling fancies of the lecherous

deportments of his wife did take up the cellules of his brain, he dreamt

that he encountered with the devil, to whom he had discovered to the full

the buzzing of his head and suspicion that his wife did tread her shoe

awry.  The devil, he thought, in this perplexity did for his comfort give

him a ring, and therewithal did kindly put it on his middle finger, saying,

Hans Carvel, I give thee this ring,--whilst thou carriest it upon that

finger, thy wife shall never carnally be known by any other than thyself

without thy special knowledge and consent.  Gramercy, quoth Hans Carvel, my

lord devil, I renounce Mahomet if ever it shall come off my finger.  The

devil vanished, as is his custom; and then Hans Carvel, full of joy

awaking, found that his middle finger was as far as it could reach within

the what-do-by-call-it of his wife.  I did forget to tell thee how his

wife, as soon as she had felt the finger there, said, in recoiling her

buttocks, Off, yes, nay, tut, pish, tush, ay, lord, that is not the thing

which should be put up in that place.  With this Hans Carvel thought that

some pilfering fellow was about to take the ring from him.  Is not this an

infallible and sovereign antidote?  Therefore, if thou wilt believe me, in

imitation of this example never fail to have continually the ring of thy

wife’s commodity upon thy finger.  When that was said, their discourse and

their way ended.

Chapter 3.XXIX.

How Pantagruel convocated together a theologian, physician, lawyer, and

philosopher, for extricating Panurge out of the perplexity wherein he was.

No sooner were they come into the royal palace, but they to the full made

report unto Pantagruel of the success of their expedition, and showed him

the response of Raminagrobis.  When Pantagruel had read it over and over

again, the oftener he perused it being the better pleased therewith, he

said, in addressing his speech to Panurge, I have not as yet seen any

answer framed to your demand which affordeth me more contentment.  For in

this his succinct copy of verses, he summarily and briefly, yet fully

enough expresseth how he would have us to understand that everyone in the

project and enterprise of marriage ought to be his own carver, sole

arbitrator of his proper thoughts, and from himself alone take counsel in

the main and peremptory closure of what his determination should be, in

either his assent to or dissent from it.  Such always hath been my opinion

to you, and when at first you spoke thereof to me I truly told you this

same very thing; but tacitly you scorned my advice, and would not harbour

it within your mind.  I know for certain, and therefore may I with the

greater confidence utter my conception of it, that philauty, or self-love,

is that which blinds your judgment and deceiveth you.

Let us do otherwise, and that is this:  Whatever we are, or have,

consisteth in three things--the soul, the body, and the goods.  Now, for

the preservation of these three, there are three sorts of learned men

ordained, each respectively to have care of that one which is recommended

to his charge.  Theologues are appointed for the soul, physicians for the

welfare of the body, and lawyers for the safety of our goods.  Hence it is

that it is my resolution to have on Sunday next with me at dinner a divine,

a physician, and a lawyer, that with those three assembled thus together we

may in every point and particle confer at large of your perplexity.  By

Saint Picot, answered Panurge, we never shall do any good that way, I see

it already.  And you see yourself how the world is vilely abused, as when

with a foxtail one claps another’s breech to cajole him.  We give our souls

to keep to the theologues, who for the greater part are heretics.  Our

bodies we commit to the physicians, who never themselves take any physic.

And then we entrust our goods to the lawyers, who never go to law against

one another.  You speak like a courtier, quoth Pantagruel.  But the first

point of your assertion is to be denied; for we daily see how good

theologues make it their chief business, their whole and sole employment,

by their deeds, their words, and writings, to extirpate errors and heresies

out of the hearts of men, and in their stead profoundly plant the true and

lively faith.  The second point you spoke of I commend; for, whereas the

professors of the art of medicine give so good order to the prophylactic,

or conservative part of their faculty, in what concerneth their proper

healths, that they stand in no need of making use of the other branch,

which is the curative or therapeutic, by medicaments.  As for the third, I

grant it to be true, for learned advocates and counsellors at law are so

much taken up with the affairs of others in their consultations, pleadings,

and such-like patrocinations of those who are their clients, that they have

no leisure to attend any controversies of their own.  Therefore, on the

next ensuing Sunday, let the divine be our godly Father Hippothadee, the

physician our honest Master Rondibilis, and our legist our friend

Bridlegoose.  Nor will it be (to my thinking) amiss, that we enter into the

Pythagoric field, and choose for an assistant to the three afore-named

doctors our ancient faithful acquaintance, the philosopher Trouillogan;

especially seeing a perfect philosopher, such as is Trouillogan, is able

positively to resolve all whatsoever doubts you can propose.  Carpalin,

have you a care to have them here all four on Sunday next at dinner,

without fail.

I believe, quoth Epistemon, that throughout the whole country, in all the

corners thereof, you could not have pitched upon such other four.  Which I

speak not so much in regard of the most excellent qualifications and

accomplishments wherewith all of them are endowed for the respective

discharge and management of each his own vocation and calling (wherein

without all doubt or controversy they are the paragons of the land, and

surpass all others), as for that Rondibilis is married now, who before was

not,--Hippothadee was not before, nor is yet,--Bridlegoose was married

once, but is not now,--and Trouillogan is married now, who wedded was to

another wife before.  Sir, if it may stand with your good liking, I will

ease Carpalin of some parcel of his labour, and invite Bridlegoose myself,

with whom I of a long time have had a very intimate familiarity, and unto

whom I am to speak on the behalf of a pretty hopeful youth who now studieth

at Toulouse, under the most learned virtuous doctor Boissonet.  Do what you

deem most expedient, quoth Pantagruel, and tell me if my recommendation can

in anything be steadable for the promoval of the good of that youth, or

otherwise serve for bettering of the dignity and office of the worthy

Boissonet, whom I do so love and respect for one of the ablest and most

sufficient in his way that anywhere are extant.  Sir, I will use therein my

best endeavours, and heartily bestir myself about it.

Chapter 3.XXX.

How the theologue, Hippothadee, giveth counsel to Panurge in the matter and

business of his nuptial enterprise.

The dinner on the subsequent Sunday was no sooner made ready than that the

afore-named invited guests gave thereto their appearance, all of them,

Bridlegoose only excepted, who was the deputy-governor of Fonsbeton.  At

the ushering in of the second service Panurge, making a low reverence,

spake thus:  Gentlemen, the question I am to propound unto you shall be

uttered in very few words--Should I marry or no?  If my doubt herein be not

resolved by you, I shall hold it altogether insolvable, as are the

Insolubilia de Aliaco; for all of you are elected, chosen, and culled out

from amongst others, everyone in his own condition and quality, like so

many picked peas on a carpet.

The Father Hippothadee, in obedience to the bidding of Pantagruel, and with

much courtesy to the company, answered exceeding modestly after this

manner:  My friend, you are pleased to ask counsel of us; but first you

must consult with yourself.  Do you find any trouble or disquiet in your

body by the importunate stings and pricklings of the flesh?  That I do,

quoth Panurge, in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure.  Be not

offended, I beseech you, good father, at the freedom of my expression.  No

truly, friend, not I, quoth Hippothadee, there is no reason why I should be

displeased therewith.  But in this carnal strife and debate of yours have

you obtained from God the gift and special grace of continency?  In good

faith, not, quoth Panurge.  My counsel to you in that case, my friend, is

that you marry, quoth Hippothadee; for you should rather choose to marry

once than to burn still in fires of concupiscence.  Then Panurge, with a

jovial heart and a loud voice, cried out, That is spoke gallantly, without

circumbilivaginating about and about, and never hitting it in its centred

point.  Gramercy, my good father!  In truth I am resolved now to marry, and

without fail I shall do it quickly.  I invite you to my wedding.  By the

body of a hen, we shall make good cheer, and be as merry as crickets.  You

shall wear the bridegroom’s colours, and, if we eat a goose, my wife shall

not roast it for me.  I will entreat you to lead up the first dance of the

bridesmaids, if it may please you to do me so much favour and honour.

There resteth yet a small difficulty, a little scruple, yea, even less than

nothing, whereof I humbly crave your resolution.  Shall I be a cuckold,

father, yea or no?  By no means, answered Hippothadee, will you be

cuckolded, if it please God.  O the Lord help us now, quoth Panurge;

whither are we driven to, good folks?  To the conditionals, which,

according to the rules and precepts of the dialectic faculty, admit of all

contradictions and impossibilities.  If my Transalpine mule had wings, my

Transalpine mule would fly, if it please God, I shall not be a cuckold; but

I shall be a cuckold, if it please him.  Good God, if this were a condition

which I knew how to prevent, my hopes should be as high as ever, nor would

I despair.  But you here send me to God’s privy council, to the closet of

his little pleasures.  You, my French countrymen, which is the way you take

to go thither?

My honest father, I believe it will be your best not to come to my wedding.

The clutter and dingle-dangle noise of marriage guests will but disturb

you, and break the serious fancies of your brain.  You love repose, with

solitude and silence; I really believe you will not come.  And then you

dance but indifferently, and would be out of countenance at the first

entry.  I will send you some good things to your chamber, together with the

bride’s favour, and there you may drink our health, if it may stand with

your good liking.  My friend, quoth Hippothadee, take my words in the sense

wherein I meant them, and do not misinterpret me.  When I tell you,--If it

please God,--do I to you any wrong therein?  Is it an ill expression?  Is

it a blaspheming clause or reserve any way scandalous unto the world?  Do

not we thereby honour the Lord God Almighty, Creator, Protector, and

Conserver of all things?  Is not that a mean whereby we do acknowledge him

to be the sole giver of all whatsoever is good?  Do not we in that manifest

our faith that we believe all things to depend upon his infinite and

incomprehensible bounty, and that without him nothing can be produced, nor

after its production be of any value, force, or power, without the

concurring aid and favour of his assisting grace?  Is it not a canonical

and authentic exception, worthy to be premised to all our undertakings?  Is

it not expedient that what we propose unto ourselves be still referred to

what shall be disposed of by the sacred will of God, unto which all things

must acquiesce in the heavens as well as on the earth?  Is not that verily

a sanctifying of his holy name?  My friend, you shall not be a cuckold, if

it please God, nor shall we need to despair of the knowledge of his good

will and pleasure herein, as if it were such an abstruse and mysteriously

hidden secret that for the clear understanding thereof it were necessary to

consult with those of his celestial privy council, or expressly make a

voyage unto the empyrean chamber where order is given for the effectuating

of his most holy pleasures.  The great God hath done us this good, that he

hath declared and revealed them to us openly and plainly, and described

them in the Holy Bible.  There will you find that you shall never be a

cuckold, that is to say, your wife shall never be a strumpet, if you make

choice of one of a commendable extraction, descended of honest parents, and

instructed in all piety and virtue--such a one as hath not at any time

haunted or frequented the company or conversation of those that are of

corrupt and depraved manners, one loving and fearing God, who taketh a

singular delight in drawing near to him by faith and the cordial observing

of his sacred commandments--and finally, one who, standing in awe of the

Divine Majesty of the Most High, will be loth to offend him and lose the

favourable kindness of his grace through any defect of faith or

transgression against the ordinances of his holy law, wherein adultery is

most rigorously forbidden and a close adherence to her husband alone most

strictly and severely enjoined; yea, in such sort that she is to cherish,

serve, and love him above anything, next to God, that meriteth to be

beloved.  In the interim, for the better schooling of her in these

instructions, and that the wholesome doctrine of a matrimonial duty may

take the deeper root in her mind, you must needs carry yourself so on your

part, and your behaviour is to be such, that you are to go before her in a

good example, by entertaining her unfeignedly with a conjugal amity, by

continually approving yourself in all your words and actions a faithful and

discreet husband; and by living, not only at home and privately with your

own household and family, but in the face also of all men and open view of

the world, devoutly, virtuously, and chastely, as you would have her on her

side to deport and to demean herself towards you, as becomes a godly,

loyal, and respectful wife, who maketh conscience to keep inviolable the

tie of a matrimonial oath.  For as that looking-glass is not the best which

is most decked with gold and precious stones, but that which representeth

to the eye the liveliest shapes of objects set before it, even so that wife

should not be most esteemed who richest is and of the noblest race, but she

who, fearing God, conforms herself nearest unto the humour of her husband.

Consider how the moon doth not borrow her light from Jupiter, Mars,

Mercury, or any other of the planets, nor yet from any of those splendid

stars which are set in the spangled firmament, but from her husband only,

the bright sun, which she receiveth from him more or less, according to the

manner of his aspect and variously bestowed eradiations.  Just so should

you be a pattern to your wife in virtue, goodly zeal, and true devotion,

that by your radiance in darting on her the aspect of an exemplary

goodness, she, in your imitation, may outshine the luminaries of all other

women.  To this effect you daily must implore God’s grace to the protection

of you both.  You would have me then, quoth Panurge, twisting the whiskers

of his beard on either side with the thumb and forefinger of his left hand,

to espouse and take to wife the prudent frugal woman described by Solomon.

Without all doubt she is dead, and truly to my best remembrance I never saw

her; the Lord forgive me!  Nevertheless, I thank you, father.  Eat this

slice of marchpane, it will help your digestion; then shall you be

presented with a cup of claret hippocras, which is right healthful and

stomachal.  Let us proceed.

Chapter 3.XXXI.

How the physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge.

Panurge, continuing his discourse, said, The first word which was spoken by

him who gelded the lubberly, quaffing monks of Saussiniac, after that he

had unstoned Friar Cauldaureil, was this, To the rest.  In like manner, I

say, To the rest.  Therefore I beseech you, my good Master Rondibilis,

should I marry or not?  By the raking pace of my mule, quoth Rondibilis, I

know not what answer to make to this problem of yours.

You say that you feel in you the pricking stings of sensuality, by which

you are stirred up to venery.  I find in our faculty of medicine, and we

have founded our opinion therein upon the deliberate resolution and final

decision of the ancient Platonics, that carnal concupiscence is cooled and

quelled five several ways.

First, By the means of wine.  I shall easily believe that, quoth Friar

John, for when I am well whittled with the juice of the grape I care for

nothing else, so I may sleep.  When I say, quoth Rondibilis, that wine

abateth lust, my meaning is, wine immoderately taken; for by intemperancy

proceeding from the excessive drinking of strong liquor there is brought

upon the body of such a swill-down boozer a chillness in the blood, a

slackening in the sinews, a dissipation of the generative seed, a numbness

and hebetation of the senses, with a perversive wryness and convulsion of

the muscles--all which are great lets and impediments to the act of

generation.  Hence it is that Bacchus, the god of bibbers, tipplers, and

drunkards, is most commonly painted beardless and clad in a woman’s habit,

as a person altogether effeminate, or like a libbed eunuch.  Wine,

nevertheless, taken moderately, worketh quite contrary effects, as is

implied by the old proverb, which saith that Venus takes cold when not

accompanied with Ceres and Bacchus.  This opinion is of great antiquity, as

appeareth by the testimony of Diodorus the Sicilian, and confirmed by

Pausanias, and universally held amongst the Lampsacians, that Don Priapus

was the son of Bacchus and Venus.

Secondly, The fervency of lust is abated by certain drugs, plants, herbs,

and roots, which make the taker cold, maleficiated, unfit for, and unable

to perform the act of generation; as hath been often experimented in the

water-lily, heraclea, agnus castus, willow-twigs, hemp-stalks, woodbine,

honeysuckle, tamarisk, chaste tree, mandrake, bennet, keckbugloss, the skin

of a hippopotam, and many other such, which, by convenient doses

proportioned to the peccant humour and constitution of the patient, being

duly and seasonably received within the body--what by their elementary

virtues on the one side and peculiar properties on the other--do either

benumb, mortify, and beclumpse with cold the prolific semence, or scatter

and disperse the spirits which ought to have gone along with and conducted

the sperm to the places destined and appointed for its reception, or

lastly, shut up, stop, and obstruct the ways, passages, and conduits

through which the seed should have been expelled, evacuated, and ejected.

We have nevertheless of those ingredients which, being of a contrary

operation, heat the blood, bend the nerves, unite the spirits, quicken the

senses, strengthen the muscles, and thereby rouse up, provoke, excite, and

enable a man to the vigorous accomplishment of the feat of amorous

dalliance.  I have no need of those, quoth Panurge, God be thanked, and

you, my good master.  Howsoever, I pray you, take no exception or offence

at these my words; for what I have said was not out of any illwill I did

bear to you, the Lord he knows.

Thirdly, The ardour of lechery is very much subdued and mated by frequent

labour and continual toiling.  For by painful exercises and laborious

working so great a dissolution is brought upon the whole body, that the

blood, which runneth alongst the channels of the veins thereof for the

nourishment and alimentation of each of its members, hath neither time,

leisure, nor power to afford the seminal resudation, or superfluity of the

third concoction, which nature most carefully reserves for the conservation

of the individual, whose preservation she more heedfully regardeth than the

propagating of the species and the multiplication of humankind.  Whence it

is that Diana is said to be chaste, because she is never idle, but always

busied about her hunting.  For the same reason was a camp or leaguer of old

called castrum, as if they would have said castum; because the soldiers,

wrestlers, runners, throwers of the bar, and other such-like athletic

champions as are usually seen in a military circumvallation, do incessantly

travail and turmoil, and are in a perpetual stir and agitation.  To this

purpose Hippocrates also writeth in his book, De Aere, Aqua et Locis, that

in his time there were people in Scythia as impotent as eunuchs in the

discharge of a venerean exploit, because that without any cessation, pause,

or respite they were never from off horseback, or otherwise assiduously

employed in some troublesome and molesting drudgery.

On the other part, in opposition and repugnancy hereto, the philosophers

say that idleness is the mother of luxury.  When it was asked Ovid, Why

Aegisthus became an adulterer? he made no other answer but this, Because he

was idle.  Who were able to rid the world of loitering and laziness might

easily frustrate and disappoint Cupid of all his designs, aims, engines,

and devices, and so disable and appal him that his bow, quiver, and darts

should from thenceforth be a mere needless load and burden to him, for that

it could not then lie in his power to strike or wound any of either sex

with all the arms he had.  He is not, I believe, so expert an archer as

that he can hit the cranes flying in the air, or yet the young stags

skipping through the thickets, as the Parthians knew well how to do; that

is to say, people moiling, stirring and hurrying up and down, restless, and

without repose.  He must have those hushed, still, quiet, lying at a stay,

lither, and full of ease, whom he is able, though his mother help him, to

touch, much less to pierce with all his arrows.  In confirmation hereof,

Theophrastus, being asked on a time what kind of beast or thing he judged a

toyish, wanton love to be? he made answer, that it was a passion of idle

and sluggish spirits.  From which pretty description of tickling

love-tricks that of Diogenes’s hatching was not very discrepant, when he

defined lechery the occupation of folks destitute of all other occupation.

For this cause the Syconian engraver Canachus, being desirous to give us to

understand that sloth, drowsiness, negligence, and laziness were the prime

guardians and governesses of ribaldry, made the statue of Venus, not

standing, as other stone-cutters had used to do, but sitting.

Fourthly, The tickling pricks of incontinency are blunted by an eager

study; for from thence proceedeth an incredible resolution of the spirits,

that oftentimes there do not remain so many behind as may suffice to push

and thrust forwards the generative resudation to the places thereto

appropriated, and therewithal inflate the cavernous nerve whose office is

to ejaculate the moisture for the propagation of human progeny.  Lest you

should think it is not so, be pleased but to contemplate a little the form,

fashion, and carriage of a man exceeding earnestly set upon some learned

meditation, and deeply plunged therein, and you shall see how all the

arteries of his brains are stretched forth and bent like the string of a

crossbow, the more promptly, dexterously, and copiously to suppeditate,

furnish, and supply him with store of spirits sufficient to replenish and

fill up the ventricles, seats, tunnels, mansions, receptacles, and cellules

of the common sense,--of the imagination, apprehension, and fancy,--of the

ratiocination, arguing, and resolution,--as likewise of the memory,

recordation, and remembrance; and with great alacrity, nimbleness, and

agility to run, pass, and course from the one to the other, through those

pipes, windings, and conduits which to skilful anatomists are perceivable

at the end of the wonderful net where all the arteries close in a

terminating point; which arteries, taking their rise and origin from the

left capsule of the heart, bring through several circuits, ambages, and

anfractuosities, the vital, to subtilize and refine them to the ethereal

purity of animal spirits.  Nay, in such a studiously musing person you may

espy so extravagant raptures of one as it were out of himself, that all his

natural faculties for that time will seem to be suspended from each their

proper charge and office, and his exterior senses to be at a stand.  In a

word, you cannot otherwise choose than think that he is by an extraordinary

ecstasy quite transported out of what he was, or should be; and that

Socrates did not speak improperly when he said that philosophy was nothing

else but a meditation upon death.  This possibly is the reason why

Democritus deprived himself of the sense of seeing, prizing at a much lower

rate the loss of his sight than the diminution of his contemplations, which

he frequently had found disturbed by the vagrant, flying-out strayings of

his unsettled and roving eyes.  Therefore is it that Pallas, the goddess of

wisdom, tutoress and guardianess of such as are diligently studious and

painfully industrious, is, and hath been still accounted a virgin.  The

Muses upon the same consideration are esteemed perpetual maids; and the

Graces, for the like reason, have been held to continue in a sempiternal

pudicity.

I remember to have read that Cupid, on a time being asked of his mother

Venus why he did not assault and set upon the Muses, his answer was that he

found them so fair, so sweet, so fine, so neat, so wise, so learned, so

modest, so discreet, so courteous, so virtuous, and so continually busied

and employed,--one in the speculation of the stars,--another in the

supputation of numbers,--the third in the dimension of geometrical

quantities,--the fourth in the composition of heroic poems,--the fifth in

the jovial interludes of a comic strain,--the sixth in the stately gravity

of a tragic vein,--the seventh in the melodious disposition of musical

airs,--the eighth in the completest manner of writing histories and books

on all sorts of subjects,--and the ninth in the mysteries, secrets, and

curiosities of all sciences, faculties, disciplines, and arts whatsoever,

whether liberal or mechanic,--that approaching near unto them he unbended

his bow, shut his quiver, and extinguished his torch, through mere shame

and fear that by mischance he might do them some hurt or prejudice.  Which

done, he thereafter put off the fillet wherewith his eyes were bound to

look them in the face, and to hear their melody and poetic odes.  There

took he the greatest pleasure in the world, that many times he was

transported with their beauty and pretty behaviour, and charmed asleep by

the harmony; so far was he from assaulting them or interrupting their

studies.  Under this article may be comprised what Hippocrates wrote in the

afore-cited treatise concerning the Scythians; as also that in a book of

his entitled Of Breeding and Production, where he hath affirmed all such

men to be unfit for generation as have their parotid arteries cut--whose

situation is beside the ears--for the reason given already when I was

speaking of the resolution of the spirits and of that spiritual blood

whereof the arteries are the sole and proper receptacles, and that likewise

he doth maintain a large portion of the parastatic liquor to issue and

descend from the brains and backbone.

Fifthly, By the too frequent reiteration of the act of venery.  There did I

wait for you, quoth Panurge, and shall willingly apply it to myself, whilst

anyone that pleaseth may, for me, make use of any of the four preceding.

That is the very same thing, quoth Friar John, which Father Scyllino, Prior

of Saint Victor at Marseilles, calleth by the name of maceration and taming

of the flesh.  I am of the same opinion,--and so was the hermit of Saint

Radegonde, a little above Chinon; for, quoth he, the hermits of Thebaide

can no more aptly or expediently macerate and bring down the pride of their

bodies, daunt and mortify their lecherous sensuality, or depress and

overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of the flesh, than by duffling and

fanfreluching it five-and-twenty or thirty times a day.  I see Panurge,

quoth Rondibilis, neatly featured and proportioned in all the members of

his body, of a good temperament in his humours, well-complexioned in his

spirits, of a competent age, in an opportune time, and of a reasonably

forward mind to be married.  Truly, if he encounter with a wife of the like

nature, temperament, and constitution, he may beget upon her children

worthy of some transpontine monarchy; and the sooner he marry it will be

the better for him, and the more conducible for his profit if he would see

and have his children in his own time well provided for.  Sir, my worthy

master, quoth Panurge, I will do it, do not you doubt thereof, and that

quickly enough, I warrant you.  Nevertheless, whilst you were busied in the

uttering of your learned discourse, this flea which I have in mine ear hath

tickled me more than ever.  I retain you in the number of my festival

guests, and promise you that we shall not want for mirth and good cheer

enough, yea, over and above the ordinary rate.  And, if it may please you,

desire your wife to come along with you, together with her she-friends and

neighbours--that is to be understood--and there shall be fair play.

Chapter 3.XXXII.

How Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally one of the appendances

of marriage.

There remaineth as yet, quoth Panurge, going on in his discourse, one small

scruple to be cleared.  You have seen heretofore, I doubt not, in the Roman

standards, S.P.Q.R., Si, Peu, Que, Rien.  Shall not I be a cuckold?  By the

haven of safety, cried out Rondibilis, what is this you ask of me?  If you

shall be a cuckold?  My noble friend, I am married, and you are like to be

so very speedily; therefore be pleased, from my experiment in the matter,

to write in your brain with a steel pen this subsequent ditton, There is no

married man who doth not run the hazard of being made a cuckold.  Cuckoldry

naturally attendeth marriage.  The shadow doth not more naturally follow

the body, than cuckoldry ensueth after marriage to place fair horns upon

the husbands’ heads.

And when you shall happen to hear any man pronounce these three words, He

is married; if you then say he is, hath been, shall be, or may be a

cuckold, you will not be accounted an unskilful artist in framing of true

consequences.  Tripes and bowels of all the devils, cries Panurge, what do

you tell me?  My dear friend, answered Rondibilis, as Hippocrates on a time

was in the very nick of setting forwards from Lango to Polystilo to visit

the philosopher Democritus, he wrote a familiar letter to his friend

Dionysius, wherein he desired him that he would, during the interval of his

absence, carry his wife to the house of her father and mother, who were an

honourable couple and of good repute; because I would not have her at my

home, said he, to make abode in solitude.  Yet, notwithstanding this her

residence beside her parents, do not fail, quoth he, with a most heedful

care and circumspection to pry into her ways, and to espy what places she

shall go to with her mother, and who those be that shall repair unto her.

Not, quoth he, that I do mistrust her virtue, or that I seem to have any

diffidence of her pudicity and chaste behaviour,--for of that I have

frequently had good and real proofs,--but I must freely tell you, She is a

woman.  There lies the suspicion.

My worthy friend, the nature of women is set forth before our eyes and

represented to us by the moon, in divers other things as well as in this,

that they squat, skulk, constrain their own inclinations, and, with all the

cunning they can, dissemble and play the hypocrite in the sight and

presence of their husbands; who come no sooner to be out of the way, but

that forthwith they take their advantage, pass the time merrily, desist

from all labour, frolic it, gad abroad, lay aside their counterfeit garb,

and openly declare and manifest the interior of their dispositions, even as

the moon, when she is in conjunction with the sun, is neither seen in the

heavens nor on the earth, but in her opposition, when remotest from him,

shineth in her greatest fulness, and wholly appeareth in her brightest

splendour whilst it is night.  Thus women are but women.

When I say womankind, I speak of a sex so frail, so variable, so

changeable, so fickle, inconstant, and imperfect, that in my opinion

Nature, under favour, nevertheless, of the prime honour and reverence which

is due unto her, did in a manner mistake the road which she had traced

formerly, and stray exceedingly from that excellence of providential

judgment by the which she had created and formed all other things, when she

built, framed, and made up the woman.  And having thought upon it a hundred

and five times, I know not what else to determine therein, save only that

in the devising, hammering, forging, and composing of the woman she hath

had a much tenderer regard, and by a great deal more respectful heed to the

delightful consortship and sociable delectation of the man, than to the

perfection and accomplishment of the individual womanishness or muliebrity.

The divine philosopher Plato was doubtful in what rank of living creatures

to place and collocate them, whether amongst the rational animals, by

elevating them to an upper seat in the specifical classis of humanity, or

with the irrational, by degrading them to a lower bench on the opposite

side, of a brutal kind, and mere bestiality.  For nature hath posited in a

privy, secret, and intestine place of their bodies, a sort of member, by

some not impertinently termed an animal, which is not to be found in men.

Therein sometimes are engendered certain humours so saltish, brackish,

clammy, sharp, nipping, tearing, prickling, and most eagerly tickling, that

by their stinging acrimony, rending nitrosity, figging itch, wriggling

mordicancy, and smarting salsitude (for the said member is altogether

sinewy and of a most quick and lively feeling), their whole body is shaken

and ebrangled, their senses totally ravished and transported, the

operations of their judgment and understanding utterly confounded, and all

disordinate passions and perturbations of the mind thoroughly and

absolutely allowed, admitted, and approved of; yea, in such sort that if

nature had not been so favourable unto them as to have sprinkled their

forehead with a little tincture of bashfulness and modesty, you should see

them in a so frantic mood run mad after lechery, and hie apace up and down

with haste and lust, in quest of and to fix some chamber-standard in their

Paphian ground, that never did the Proetides, Mimallonides, nor Lyaean

Thyades deport themselves in the time of their bacchanalian festivals more

shamelessly, or with a so affronted and brazen-faced impudency; because

this terrible animal is knit unto, and hath an union with all the chief and

most principal parts of the body, as to anatomists is evident.  Let it not

here be thought strange that I should call it an animal, seeing therein I

do no otherwise than follow and adhere to the doctrine of the academic and

peripatetic philosophers.  For if a proper motion be a certain mark and

infallible token of the life and animation of the mover, as Aristotle

writeth, and that any such thing as moveth of itself ought to be held

animated and of a living nature, then assuredly Plato with very good reason

did give it the denomination of an animal, for that he perceived and

observed in it the proper and self-stirring motions of suffocation,

precipitation, corrugation, and of indignation so extremely violent, that

oftentimes by them is taken and removed from the woman all other sense and

moving whatsoever, as if she were in a swounding lipothymy, benumbing

syncope, epileptic, apoplectic palsy, and true resemblance of a pale-faced

death.

Furthermore, in the said member there is a manifest discerning faculty of

scents and odours very perceptible to women, who feel it fly from what is

rank and unsavoury, and follow fragrant and aromatic smells.  It is not

unknown to me how Cl. Galen striveth with might and main to prove that

these are not proper and particular notions proceeding intrinsically from

the thing itself, but accidentally and by chance.  Nor hath it escaped my

notice how others of that sect have laboured hardly, yea, to the utmost of

their abilities, to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or

perception in it of the difference of wafts and smells, but merely a

various manner of virtue and efficacy passing forth and flowing from the

diversity of odoriferous substances applied near unto it.  Nevertheless, if

you will studiously examine and seriously ponder and weigh in Critolaus’s

balance the strength of their reasons and arguments, you shall find that

they, not only in this, but in several other matters also of the like

nature, have spoken at random, and rather out of an ambitious envy to check

and reprehend their betters than for any design to make inquiry into the

solid truth.

I will not launch my little skiff any further into the wide ocean of this

dispute, only will I tell you that the praise and commendation is not mean

and slender which is due to those honest and good women who, living

chastely and without blame, have had the power and virtue to curb, range,

and subdue that unbridled, heady, and wild animal to an obedient,

submissive, and obsequious yielding unto reason.  Therefore here will I

make an end of my discourse thereon, when I shall have told you that the

said animal being once satiated--if it be possible that it can be contented

or satisfied--by that aliment which nature hath provided for it out of the

epididymal storehouse of man, all its former and irregular and disordered

motions are at an end, laid, and assuaged, all its vehement and unruly

longings lulled, pacified, and quieted, and all the furious and raging

lusts, appetites, and desires thereof appeased, calmed, and extinguished.

For this cause let it seem nothing strange unto you if we be in a perpetual

danger of being cuckolds, that is to say, such of us as have not

wherewithal fully to satisfy the appetite and expectation of that voracious

animal.  Odds fish! quoth Panurge, have you no preventive cure in all your

medicinal art for hindering one’s head to be horny-graffed at home whilst

his feet are plodding abroad?  Yes, that I have, my gallant friend,

answered Rondibilis, and that which is a sovereign remedy, whereof I

frequently make use myself; and, that you may the better relish, it is set

down and written in the book of a most famous author, whose renown is of a

standing of two thousand years.  Hearken and take good heed.  You are,

quoth Panurge, by cockshobby, a right honest man, and I love you with all

my heart.  Eat a little of this quince-pie; it is very proper and

convenient for the shutting up of the orifice of the ventricle of the

stomach, because of a kind of astringent stypticity which is in that sort

of fruit, and is helpful to the first concoction.  But what? I think I

speak Latin before clerks.  Stay till I give you somewhat to drink out of

this Nestorian goblet.  Will you have another draught of white hippocras?

Be not afraid of the squinzy, no.  There is neither squinant, ginger, nor

grains in it; only a little choice cinnamon, and some of the best refined

sugar, with the delicious white wine of the growth of that vine which was

set in the slips of the great sorbapple above the walnut-tree.

Chapter 3.XXXIII.

Rondibilis the physician’s cure of cuckoldry.

At that time, quoth Rondibilis, when Jupiter took a view of the state of

his Olympic house and family, and that he had made the calendar of all the

gods and goddesses, appointing unto the festival of every one of them its

proper day and season, establishing certain fixed places and stations for

the pronouncing of oracles and relief of travelling pilgrims, and ordaining

victims, immolations, and sacrifices suitable and correspondent to the

dignity and nature of the worshipped and adored deity--Did not he do, asked

Panurge, therein as Tintouille, the Bishop of Auxerre, is said once to have

done?  This noble prelate loved entirely the pure liquor of the grape, as

every honest and judicious man doth; therefore was it that he had an

especial care and regard to the bud of the vine-tree as to the

great-grandfather of Bacchus.  But so it is, that for sundry years together

he saw a most pitiful havoc, desolation, and destruction made amongst the

sprouts, shootings, buds, blossoms, and scions of the vines by hoary frost,

dank fogs, hot mists, unseasonable colds, chill blasts, thick hail, and

other calamitous chances of foul weather, happening, as he thought, by the

dismal inauspiciousness of the holy days of St. George, St. Mary, St. Paul,

St. Eutrope, Holy Rood, the Ascension, and other festivals, in that time

when the sun passeth under the sign of Taurus; and thereupon harboured in

his mind this opinion, that the afore-named saints were Saint

Hail-flingers, Saint Frost-senders, Saint Fog-mongers, and Saint Spoilers of

the Vine-buds.  For which cause he went about to have transmitted their

feasts from the spring to the winter, to be celebrated between Christmas and

Epiphany, so the mother of the three kings called it, allowing them with all

honour and reverence the liberty then to freeze, hail, and rain as much as

they would; for that he knew that at such a time frost was rather profitable

than hurtful to the vine-buds, and in their steads to have placed the

festivals of St. Christopher, St. John the Baptist, St. Magdalene, St. Anne,

St. Domingo, and St. Lawrence; yea, and to have gone so far as to collocate

and transpose the middle of August in and to the beginning of May, because

during the whole space of their solemnity there was so little danger of

hoary frosts and cold mists, that no artificers are then held in greater

request than the afforders of refrigerating inventions, makers of junkets,

fit disposers of cooling shades, composers of green arbours, and refreshers

of wine.

Jupiter, said Rondibilis, forgot the poor devil Cuckoldry, who was then in

the court at Paris very eagerly soliciting a peddling suit at law for one

of his vassals and tenants.  Within some few days thereafter, I have forgot

how many, when he got full notice of the trick which in his absence was

done unto him, he instantly desisted from prosecuting legal processes in

the behalf of others, full of solicitude to pursue after his own business,

lest he should be foreclosed, and thereupon he appeared personally at the

tribunal of the great Jupiter, displayed before him the importance of his

preceding merits, together with the acceptable services which in obedience

to his commandments he had formerly performed; and therefore in all

humility begged of him that he would be pleased not to leave him alone

amongst all the sacred potentates, destitute and void of honour, reverence,

sacrifices, and festival ceremonies.  To this petition Jupiter’s answer was

excusatory, that all the places and offices of his house were bestowed.

Nevertheless, so importuned was he by the continual supplications of

Monsieur Cuckoldry, that he, in fine, placed him in the rank, list, roll,

rubric, and catalogue, and appointed honours, sacrifices, and festival

rites to be observed on earth in great devotion, and tendered to him with

solemnity.  The feast, because there was no void, empty, nor vacant place

in all the calendar, was to be celebrated jointly with, and on the same day

that had been consecrated to the goddess Jealousy.  His power and dominion

should be over married folks, especially such as had handsome wives.  His

sacrifices were to be suspicion, diffidence, mistrust, a lowering pouting

sullenness, watchings, wardings, researchings, plyings, explorations,

together with the waylayings, ambushes, narrow observations, and malicious

doggings of the husband’s scouts and espials of the most privy actions of

their wives.  Herewithal every married man was expressly and rigorously

commanded to reverence, honour, and worship him, to celebrate and solemnize

his festival with twice more respect than that of any other saint or deity,

and to immolate unto him with all sincerity and alacrity of heart the

above-mentioned sacrifices and oblations, under pain of severe censures,

threatenings, and comminations of these subsequent fines, mulcts,

amerciaments, penalties, and punishments to be inflicted on the

delinquents:  that Monsieur Cuckoldry should never be favourable nor

propitious to them; that he should never help, aid, supply, succour, nor

grant them any subventitious furtherance, auxiliary suffrage, or

adminiculary assistance; that he should never hold them in any reckoning,

account, or estimation; that he should never deign to enter within their

houses, neither at the doors, windows, nor any other place thereof; that he

should never haunt nor frequent their companies or conversations, how

frequently soever they should invocate him and call upon his name; and that

not only he should leave and abandon them to rot alone with their wives in

a sempiternal solitariness, without the benefit of the diversion of any

copes-mate or corrival at all, but should withal shun and eschew them, fly

from them, and eternally forsake and reject them as impious heretics and

sacrilegious persons, according to the accustomed manner of other gods

towards such as are too slack in offering up the duties and reverences

which ought to be performed respectively to their divinities--as is

evidently apparent in Bacchus towards negligent vine-dressers; in Ceres,

against idle ploughmen and tillers of the ground; in Pomona, to unworthy

fruiterers and costard-mongers; in Neptune, towards dissolute mariners and

seafaring men, in Vulcan, towards loitering smiths and forgemen; and so

throughout the rest.  Now, on the contrary, this infallible promise was

added, that unto all those who should make a holy day of the above-recited

festival, and cease from all manner of worldly work and negotiation, lay

aside all their own most important occasions, and to be so retchless,

heedless, and careless of what might concern the management of their proper

affairs as to mind nothing else but a suspicious espying and prying into

the secret deportments of their wives, and how to coop, shut up, hold at

under, and deal cruelly and austerely with them by all the harshness and

hardships that an implacable and every way inexorable jealousy can devise

and suggest, conform to the sacred ordinances of the afore-mentioned

sacrifices and oblations, he should be continually favourable to them,

should love them, sociably converse with them, should be day and night in

their houses, and never leave them destitute of his presence.  Now I have

said, and you have heard my cure.

Ha, ha, ha! quoth Carpalin, laughing; this is a remedy yet more apt and

proper than Hans Carvel’s ring.  The devil take me if I do not believe it!

The humour, inclination, and nature of women is like the thunder, whose

force in its bolt or otherwise burneth, bruiseth, and breaketh only hard,

massive, and resisting objects, without staying or stopping at soft, empty,

and yielding matters.  For it pasheth into pieces the steel sword without

doing any hurt to the velvet scabbard which ensheatheth it.  It chrusheth

also and consumeth the bones without wounding or endamaging the flesh

wherewith they are veiled and covered.  Just so it is that women for the

greater part never bend the contention, subtlety, and contradictory

disposition of their spirits unless it be to do what is prohibited and

forbidden.

Verily, quoth Hippothadee, some of our doctors aver for a truth that the

first woman of the world, whom the Hebrews call Eve, had hardly been

induced or allured into the temptation of eating of the fruit of the Tree

of Life if it had not been forbidden her so to do.  And that you may give

the more credit to the validity of this opinion, consider how the cautelous

and wily tempter did commemorate unto her, for an antecedent to his

enthymeme, the prohibition which was made to taste it, as being desirous to

infer from thence, It is forbidden thee; therefore thou shouldst eat of it,

else thou canst not be a woman.

Chapter 3.XXXIV.

How women ordinarily have the greatest longing after things prohibited.

When I was, quoth Carpalin, a whoremaster at Orleans, the whole art of

rhetoric, in all its tropes and figures, was not able to afford unto me a

colour or flourish of greater force and value, nor could I by any other

form or manner of elocution pitch upon a more persuasive argument for

bringing young beautiful married ladies into the snares of adultery,

through alluring and enticing them to taste with me of amorous delights,

than with a lively sprightfulness to tell them in downright terms, and to

remonstrate to them with a great show of detestation of a crime so horrid,

how their husbands were jealous.  This was none of my invention.  It is

written, and we have laws, examples, reasons, and daily experiences

confirmative of the same.  If this belief once enter into their noddles,

their husbands will infallibly be cuckolds; yea, by God, will they, without

swearing, although they should do like Semiramis, Pasiphae, Egesta, the

women of the Isle Mandez in Egypt, and other such-like queanish flirting

harlots mentioned in the writings of Herodotus, Strabo, and such-like

puppies.

Truly, quoth Ponocrates, I have heard it related, and it hath been told me

for a verity, that Pope John XXII., passing on a day through the Abbey of

Toucherome, was in all humility required and besought by the abbess and

other discreet mothers of the said convent to grant them an indulgence by

means whereof they might confess themselves to one another, alleging that

religious women were subject to some petty secret slips and imperfections

which would be a foul and burning shame for them to discover and to reveal

to men, how sacerdotal soever their functions were; but that they would

freelier, more familiarly, and with greater cheerfulness, open to each

other their offences, faults, and escapes under the seal of confession.

There is not anything, answered the pope, fitting for you to impetrate of

me which I would not most willingly condescend unto; but I find one

inconvenience.  You know confession should be kept secret, and women are

not able to do so.  Exceeding well, quoth they, most holy father, and much

more closely than the best of men.

The said pope on the very same day gave them in keeping a pretty box,

wherein he purposely caused a little linnet to be put, willing them very

gently and courteously to lock it up in some sure and hidden place, and

promising them, by the faith of a pope, that he should yield to their

request if they would keep secret what was enclosed within that deposited

box, enjoining them withal not to presume one way nor other, directly or

indirectly, to go about the opening thereof, under pain of the highest

ecclesiastical censure, eternal excommunication.  The prohibition was no

sooner made but that they did all of them boil with a most ardent desire to

know and see what kind of thing it was that was within it.  They thought

long already that the pope was not gone, to the end they might jointly,

with the more leisure and ease, apply themselves to the box-opening

curiosity.

The holy father, after he had given them his benediction, retired and

withdrew himself to the pontifical lodgings of his own palace.  But he was

hardly gone three steps from without the gates of their cloister when the

good ladies throngingly, and as in a huddled crowd, pressing hard on the

backs of one another, ran thrusting and shoving who should be first at the

setting open of the forbidden box and descrying of the quod latitat within.

On the very next day thereafter the pope made them another visit, of a full

design, purpose, and intention, as they imagined, to despatch the grant of

their sought and wished-for indulgence.  But before he would enter into any

chat or communing with them, he commanded the casket to be brought unto

him.  It was done so accordingly; but, by your leave, the bird was no more

there.  Then was it that the pope did represent to their maternities how

hard a matter and difficult it was for them to keep secrets revealed to

them in confession unmanifested to the ears of others, seeing for the space

of four-and-twenty hours they were not able to lay up in secret a box which

he had highly recommended to their discretion, charge, and custody.

Welcome, in good faith, my dear master, welcome!  It did me good to hear

you talk, the Lord be praised for all!  I do not remember to have seen you

before now, since the last time that you acted at Montpellier with our

ancient friends, Anthony Saporra, Guy Bourguyer, Balthasar Noyer, Tolet,

John Quentin, Francis Robinet, John Perdrier, and Francis Rabelais, the

moral comedy of him who had espoused and married a dumb wife.  I was there,

quoth Epistemon.  The good honest man her husband was very earnestly urgent

to have the fillet of her tongue untied, and would needs have her speak by

any means.  At his desire some pains were taken on her, and partly by the

industry of the physician, other part by the expertness of the surgeon, the

encyliglotte which she had under her tongue being cut, she spoke and spoke

again; yea, within a few hours she spoke so loud, so much, so fiercely, and

so long, that her poor husband returned to the same physician for a recipe

to make her hold her peace.  There are, quoth the physician, many proper

remedies in our art to make dumb women speak, but there are none that ever

I could learn therein to make them silent.  The only cure which I have

found out is their husband’s deafness.  The wretch became within few weeks

thereafter, by virtue of some drugs, charms, or enchantments which the

physician had prescribed unto him, so deaf that he could not have heard the

thundering of nineteen hundred cannons at a salvo.  His wife perceiving

that indeed he was as deaf as a door-nail, and that her scolding was but in

vain, sith that he heard her not, she grew stark mad.

Some time after the doctor asked for his fee of the husband, who answered

that truly he was deaf, and so was not able to understand what the tenour

of his demand might be.  Whereupon the leech bedusted him with a little, I

know not what, sort of powder, which rendered him a fool immediately, so

great was the stultificating virtue of that strange kind of pulverized

dose.  Then did this fool of a husband and his mad wife join together, and,

falling on the doctor and the surgeon, did so scratch, bethwack, and bang

them that they were left half dead upon the place, so furious were the

blows which they received.  I never in my lifetime laughed so much as at

the acting of that buffoonery.

Let us come to where we left off, quoth Panurge.  Your words, being

translated from the clapper-dudgeons to plain English, do signify that it

is not very inexpedient that I marry, and that I should not care for being

a cuckold.  You have there hit the nail on the head.  I believe, master

doctor, that on the day of my marriage you will be so much taken up with

your patients, or otherwise so seriously employed, that we shall not enjoy

your company.  Sir, I will heartily excuse your absence.

  Stercus et urina medici sunt prandia prima.

  Ex aliis paleas, ex istis collige grana.

You are mistaken, quoth Rondibilis, in the second verse of our distich, for

it ought to run thus--

  Nobis sunt signa, vobis sunt prandia digna.

If my wife at any time prove to be unwell and ill at ease, I will look upon

the water which she shall have made in an urinal glass, quoth Rondibilis,

grope her pulse, and see the disposition of her hypogaster, together with

her umbilicary parts--according to the prescript rule of Hippocrates, 2.

Aph. 35--before I proceed any further in the cure of her distemper.  No,

no, quoth Panurge, that will be but to little purpose.  Such a feat is for

the practice of us that are lawyers, who have the rubric, De ventre

inspiciendo.  Do not therefore trouble yourself about it, master doctor; I

will provide for her a plaster of warm guts.  Do not neglect your more

urgent occasions otherwhere for coming to my wedding.  I will send you some

supply of victuals to your own house, without putting you to the trouble of

coming abroad, and you shall always be my special friend.  With this,

approaching somewhat nearer to him, he clapped into his hand, without the

speaking of so much as one word, four rose nobles.  Rondibilis did shut his

fist upon them right kindly; yet, as if it had displeased him to make

acceptance of such golden presents, he in a start, as if he had been wroth,

said, He he, he, he, he! there was no need of anything; I thank you

nevertheless.  From wicked folks I never get enough, and I from honest

people refuse nothing.  I shall be always, sir, at your command.  Provided

that I pay you well, quoth Panurge.  That, quoth Rondibilis, is understood.

Chapter 3.XXXV.

How the philosopher Trouillogan handleth the difficulty of marriage.

As this discourse was ended, Pantagruel said to the philosopher

Trouillogan, Our loyal, honest, true, and trusty friend, the lamp from hand

to hand is come to you.  It falleth to your turn to give an answer:  Should

Panurge, pray you, marry, yea or no?  He should do both, quoth Trouillogan.

What say you? asked Panurge.  That which you have heard, answered

Trouillogan.  What have I heard? replied Panurge.  That which I have said,

replied Trouillogan.  Ha, ha, ha! are we come to that pass? quoth Panurge.

Let it go nevertheless, I do not value it at a rush, seeing we can make no

better of the game.  But howsoever tell me, Should I marry or no?  Neither

the one nor the other, answered Trouillogan.  The devil take me, quoth

Panurge, if these odd answers do not make me dote, and may he snatch me

presently away if I do understand you.  Stay awhile until I fasten these

spectacles of mine on this left ear, that I may hear you better.  With this

Pantagruel perceived at the door of the great hall, which was that day

their dining-room, Gargantua’s little dog, whose name was Kyne; for so was

Toby’s dog called, as is recorded.  Then did he say to these who were there

present, Our king is not far off,--let us all rise.

That word was scarcely sooner uttered, than that Gargantua with his royal

presence graced that banqueting and stately hall.  Each of the guests arose

to do their king that reverence and duty which became them.  After that

Gargantua had most affably saluted all the gentlemen there present, he

said, Good friends, I beg this favour of you, and therein you will very

much oblige me, that you leave not the places where you sate nor quit the

discourse you were upon.  Let a chair be brought hither unto this end of

the table, and reach me a cupful of the strongest and best wine you have,

that I may drink to all the company.  You are, in faith, all welcome,

gentlemen.  Now let me know what talk you were about.  To this Pantagruel

answered that at the beginning of the second service Panurge had proposed a

problematic theme, to wit, whether he should marry, or not marry? that

Father Hippothadee and Doctor Rondibilis had already despatched their

resolutions thereupon; and that, just as his majesty was coming in, the

faithful Trouillogan in the delivery of his opinion hath thus far

proceeded, that when Panurge asked whether he ought to marry, yea or no? at

first he made this answer, Both together.  When this same question was

again propounded, his second answer was, Neither the one nor the other.

Panurge exclaimeth that those answers are full of repugnancies and

contradictions, protesting that he understands them not, nor what it is

that can be meant by them.  If I be not mistaken, quoth Gargantua, I

understand it very well.  The answer is not unlike to that which was once

made by a philosopher in ancient times, who being interrogated if he had a

woman whom they named him to his wife?  I have her, quoth he, but she hath

not me,--possessing her, by her I am not possessed.  Such another answer,

quoth Pantagruel, was once made by a certain bouncing wench of Sparta, who

being asked if at any time she had had to do with a man? No, quoth she, but

sometimes men have had to do with me.  Well then, quoth Rondibilis, let it

be a neuter in physic, as when we say a body is neuter, when it is neither

sick nor healthful, and a mean in philosophy; that, by an abnegation of

both extremes, and this by the participation of the one and of the other.

Even as when lukewarm water is said to be both hot and cold; or rather, as

when time makes the partition, and equally divides betwixt the two, a while

in the one, another while as long in the other opposite extremity.  The

holy Apostle, quoth Hippothadee, seemeth, as I conceive, to have more

clearly explained this point when he said, Those that are married, let them

be as if they were not married; and those that have wives, let them be as

if they had no wives at all.  I thus interpret, quoth Pantagruel, the

having and not having of a wife.  To have a wife is to have the use of her

in such a way as nature hath ordained, which is for the aid, society, and

solace of man, and propagating of his race.  To have no wife is not to be

uxorious, play the coward, and be lazy about her, and not for her sake to

distain the lustre of that affection which man owes to God, or yet for her

to leave those offices and duties which he owes unto his country, unto his

friends and kindred, or for her to abandon and forsake his precious

studies, and other businesses of account, to wait still on her will, her

beck, and her buttocks.  If we be pleased in this sense to take having and

not having of a wife, we shall indeed find no repugnancy nor contradiction

in the terms at all.

Chapter 3.XXXVI.

A continuation of the answer of the Ephectic and Pyrrhonian philosopher

Trouillogan.

You speak wisely, quoth Panurge, if the moon were green cheese.  Such a

tale once pissed my goose.  I do not think but that I am let down into that

dark pit in the lowermost bottom whereof the truth was hid, according to

the saying of Heraclitus.  I see no whit at all, I hear nothing, understand

as little, my senses are altogether dulled and blunted; truly I do very

shrewdly suspect that I am enchanted.  I will now alter the former style of

my discourse, and talk to him in another strain.  Our trusty friend, stir

not, nor imburse any; but let us vary the chance, and speak without

disjunctives.  I see already that these loose and ill-joined members of an

enunciation do vex, trouble, and perplex you.

  Now go on, in the name of God!  Should I marry?

  Trouillogan.  There is some likelihood therein.

  Panurge.  But if I do not marry?

  Trouil.  I see in that no inconvenience.

  Pan.  You do not?

  Trouil.  None, truly, if my eyes deceive me not.

  Pan.  Yea, but I find more than five hundred.

  Trouil.  Reckon them.

  Pan.  This is an impropriety of speech, I confess; for I do no more

thereby but take a certain for an uncertain number, and posit the

determinate term for what is indeterminate.  When I say, therefore, five

hundred, my meaning is many.

  Trouil.  I hear you.

Pan.  Is it possible for me to live without a wife, in the name of all the

subterranean devils?

  Trouil.  Away with these filthy beasts.

  Pan.  Let it be, then, in the name of God; for my Salmigondinish people

use to say, To lie alone, without a wife, is certainly a brutish life.  And

such a life also was it assevered to be by Dido in her lamentations.

  Trouil.  At your command.

  Pan.  By the pody cody, I have fished fair; where are we now?  But will

you tell me?  Shall I marry?

  Trouil.  Perhaps.

  Pan.  Shall I thrive or speed well withal?

  Trouil.  According to the encounter.

  Pan.  But if in my adventure I encounter aright, as I hope I will, shall

I be fortunate?

  Trouil.  Enough.

  Pan.  Let us turn the clean contrary way, and brush our former words

against the wool:  what if I encounter ill?

  Trouil.  Then blame not me.

  Pan.  But, of courtesy, be pleased to give me some advice.  I heartily

beseech you, what must I do?

  Trouil.  Even what thou wilt.

  Pan.  Wishy, washy; trolly, trolly.

  Trouil.  Do not invocate the name of anything, I pray you.

  Pan.  In the name of God, let it be so!  My actions shall be regulated by

the rule and square of your counsel.  What is it that you advise and

counsel me to do?

  Trouil.  Nothing.

  Pan.  Shall I marry?

  Trouil.  I have no hand in it.

  Pan.  Then shall I not marry?

  Trouil.  I cannot help it.

  Pan.  If I never marry, I shall never be a cuckold.

  Trouil.  I thought so.

  Pan.  But put the case that I be married.

  Trouil.  Where shall we put it?

  Pan.  Admit it be so, then, and take my meaning in that sense.

  Trouil.  I am otherwise employed.

  Pan.  By the death of a hog, and mother of a toad, O Lord! if I durst

hazard upon a little fling at the swearing game, though privily and under

thumb, it would lighten the burden of my heart and ease my lights and reins

exceedingly.  A little patience nevertheless is requisite.  Well then, if I

marry, I shall be a cuckold.

  Trouil.  One would say so.

  Pan.  Yet if my wife prove a virtuous, wise, discreet, and chaste woman,

I shall never be cuckolded.

  Trouil.  I think you speak congruously.

  Pan.  Hearken.

  Trouil.  As much as you will.

  Pan.  Will she be discreet and chaste?  This is the only point I would be

resolved in.

  Trouil.  I question it.

  Pan.  You never saw her?

  Trouil.  Not that I know of.

  Pan.  Why do you then doubt of that which you know not?

  Trouil.  For a cause.

  Pan.  And if you should know her.

  Trouil.  Yet more.

  Pan.  Page, my pretty little darling, take here my cap,--I give it thee.

Have a care you do not break the spectacles that are in it.  Go down to the

lower court.  Swear there half an hour for me, and I shall in compensation

of that favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt.  But who

shall cuckold me?

  Trouil.  Somebody.

  Pan.  By the belly of the wooden horse at Troy, Master Somebody, I shall

bang, belam thee, and claw thee well for thy labour.

  Trouil.  You say so.

  Pan.  Nay, nay, that Nick in the dark cellar, who hath no white in his

eye, carry me quite away with him if, in that case, whensoever I go abroad

from the palace of my domestic residence, I do not, with as much

circumspection as they use to ring mares in our country to keep them from

being sallied by stoned horses, clap a Bergamasco lock upon my wife.

  Trouil.  Talk better.

  Pan.  It is bien chien, chie chante, well cacked and cackled, shitten,

and sung in matter of talk.  Let us resolve on somewhat.

  Trouil.  I do not gainsay it.

  Pan.  Have a little patience.  Seeing I cannot on this side draw any

blood of you, I will try if with the lancet of my judgment I be able to

bleed you in another vein.  Are you married, or are you not?

  Trouil.  Neither the one nor the other, and both together.

  Pan.  O the good God help us!  By the death of a buffle-ox, I sweat with

the toil and travail that I am put to, and find my digestion broke off,

disturbed, and interrupted, for all my phrenes, metaphrenes, and

diaphragms, back, belly, midriff, muscles, veins, and sinews are held in a

suspense and for a while discharged from their proper offices to stretch

forth their several powers and abilities for incornifistibulating and

laying up into the hamper of my understanding your various sayings and

answers.

  Trouil.  I shall be no hinderer thereof.

  Pan.  Tush, for shame!  Our faithful friend, speak; are you married?

  Trouil.  I think so.

  Pan.  You were also married before you had this wife?

  Trouil.  It is possible.

  Pan.  Had you good luck in your first marriage?

  Trouil.  It is not impossible.

  Pan.  How thrive you with this second wife of yours?

  Trouil.  Even as it pleaseth my fatal destiny.

  Pan.  But what, in good earnest?  Tell me--do you prosper well with her?

  Trouil.  It is likely.

  Pan.  Come on, in the name of God.  I vow, by the burden of Saint

Christopher, that I had rather undertake the fetching of a fart forth of

the belly of a dead ass than to draw out of you a positive and determinate

resolution.  Yet shall I be sure at this time to have a snatch at you, and

get my claws over you.  Our trusty friend, let us shame the devil of hell,

and confess the verity.  Were you ever a cuckold?  I say, you who are here,

and not that other you who playeth below in the tennis-court?

  Trouil.  No, if it was not predestinated.

  Pan.  By the flesh, blood, and body, I swear, reswear, forswear, abjure,

and renounce, he evades and avoids, shifts, and escapes me, and quite slips

and winds himself out of my grips and clutches.

At these words Gargantua arose and said, Praised be the good God in all

things, but especially for bringing the world into that height of

refinedness beyond what it was when I first came to be acquainted

therewith, that now the learnedst and most prudent philosophers are not

ashamed to be seen entering in at the porches and frontispieces of the

schools of the Pyrrhonian, Aporrhetic, Sceptic, and Ephectic sects.

Blessed be the holy name of God!  Veritably, it is like henceforth to be

found an enterprise of much more easy undertaking to catch lions by the

neck, horses by the main, oxen by the horns, bulls by the muzzle, wolves by

the tail, goats by the beard, and flying birds by the feet, than to entrap

such philosophers in their words.  Farewell, my worthy, dear, and honest

friends.

When he had done thus speaking, he withdrew himself from the company.

Pantagruel and others with him would have followed and accompanied him, but

he would not permit them so to do.  No sooner was Gargantua departed out of

the banqueting-hall than that Pantagruel said to the invited guests:

Plato’s Timaeus, at the beginning always of a solemn festival convention,

was wont to count those that were called thereto.  We, on the contrary,

shall at the closure and end of this treatment reckon up our number.  One,

two, three; where is the fourth?  I miss my friend Bridlegoose.  Was not he

sent for?  Epistemon answered that he had been at his house to bid and

invite him, but could not meet with him; for that a messenger from the

parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues, was come to him with a writ of

summons to cite and warn him personally to appear before the reverend

senators of the high court there, to vindicate and justify himself at the

bar of the crime of prevarication laid to his charge, and to be

peremptorily instanced against him in a certain decree, judgment, or

sentence lately awarded, given, and pronounced by him; and that, therefore,

he had taken horse and departed in great haste from his own house, to the

end that without peril or danger of falling into a default or contumacy he

might be the better able to keep the prefixed and appointed time.

I will, quoth Pantagruel, understand how that matter goeth.  It is now

above forty years that he hath been constantly the judge of Fonsbeton,

during which space of time he hath given four thousand definitive

sentences, of two thousand three hundred and nine whereof, although appeal

was made by the parties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferior

judicatory to the supreme court of the parliament of Mirlingois, in

Mirlingues, they were all of them nevertheless confirmed, ratified, and

approved of by an order, decree, and final sentence of the said sovereign

court, to the casting of the appellants, and utter overthrow of the suits

wherein they had been foiled at law, for ever and a day.  That now in his

old age he should be personally summoned, who in all the foregoing time of

his life hath demeaned himself so unblamably in the discharge of the office

and vocation he had been called unto, it cannot assuredly be that such a

change hath happened without some notorious misfortune and disaster.  I am

resolved to help and assist him in equity and justice to the uttermost

extent of my power and ability.  I know the malice, despite, and wickedness

of the world to be so much more nowadays exasperated, increased, and

aggravated by what it was not long since, that the best cause that is, how

just and equitable soever it be, standeth in great need to be succoured,

aided, and supported.  Therefore presently, from this very instant forth,

do I purpose, till I see the event and closure thereof, most heedfully to

attend and wait upon it, for fear of some underhand tricky surprisal,

cavilling pettifoggery, or fallacious quirks in law, to his detriment,

hurt, or disadvantage.

Then dinner being done, and the tables drawn and removed, when Pantagruel

had very cordially and affectionately thanked his invited guests for the

favour which he had enjoyed of their company, he presented them with

several rich and costly gifts, such as jewels, rings set with precious

stones, gold and silver vessels, with a great deal of other sort of plate

besides, and lastly, taking of them all his leave, retired himself into an

inner chamber.

Chapter 3.XXXVII.

How Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take counsel of a fool.

When Pantagruel had withdrawn himself, he, by a little sloping window in

one of the galleries, perceived Panurge in a lobby not far from thence,

walking alone, with the gesture, carriage, and garb of a fond dotard,

raving, wagging, and shaking his hands, dandling, lolling, and nodding with

his head, like a cow bellowing for her calf; and, having then called him

nearer, spoke unto him thus:  You are at this present, as I think, not

unlike to a mouse entangled in a snare, who the more that she goeth about

to rid and unwind herself out of the gin wherein she is caught, by

endeavouring to clear and deliver her feet from the pitch whereto they

stick, the foulier she is bewrayed with it, and the more strongly pestered

therein.  Even so is it with you.  For the more that you labour, strive,

and enforce yourself to disencumber and extricate your thoughts out of the

implicating involutions and fetterings of the grievous and lamentable gins

and springs of anguish and perplexity, the greater difficulty there is in

the relieving of you, and you remain faster bound than ever.  Nor do I know

for the removal of this inconveniency any remedy but one.

Take heed, I have often heard it said in a vulgar proverb, The wise may be

instructed by a fool.  Seeing the answers and responses of sage and

judicious men have in no manner of way satisfied you, take advice of some

fool, and possibly by so doing you may come to get that counsel which will

be agreeable to your own heart’s desire and contentment.  You know how by

the advice and counsel and prediction of fools, many kings, princes,

states, and commonwealths have been preserved, several battles gained, and

divers doubts of a most perplexed intricacy resolved.  I am not so

diffident of your memory as to hold it needful to refresh it with a

quotation of examples, nor do I so far undervalue your judgment but that I

think it will acquiesce in the reason of this my subsequent discourse.  As

he who narrowly takes heed to what concerns the dexterous management of his

private affairs, domestic businesses, and those adoes which are confined

within the strait-laced compass of one family, who is attentive, vigilant,

and active in the economic rule of his own house, whose frugal spirit never

strays from home, who loseth no occasion whereby he may purchase to himself

more riches, and build up new heaps of treasure on his former wealth, and

who knows warily how to prevent the inconveniences of poverty, is called a

worldly wise man, though perhaps in the second judgment of the

intelligences which are above he be esteemed a fool,--so, on the contrary,

is he most like, even in the thoughts of all celestial spirits, to be not

only sage, but to presage events to come by divine inspiration, who laying

quite aside those cares which are conducible to his body or his fortunes,

and, as it were, departing from himself, rids all his senses of terrene

affections, and clears his fancies of those plodding studies which harbour

in the minds of thriving men.  All which neglects of sublunary things are

vulgarily imputed folly.  After this manner, the son of Picus, King of the

Latins, the great soothsayer Faunus, was called Fatuus by the witless

rabble of the common people.  The like we daily see practised amongst the

comic players, whose dramatic roles, in distribution of the personages,

appoint the acting of the fool to him who is the wisest of the troop.  In

approbation also of this fashion the mathematicians allow the very same

horoscope to princes and to sots.  Whereof a right pregnant instance by

them is given in the nativities of Aeneas and Choroebus; the latter of

which two is by Euphorion said to have been a fool, and yet had with the

former the same aspects and heavenly genethliac influences.

I shall not, I suppose, swerve much from the purpose in hand, if I relate

unto you what John Andrew said upon the return of a papal writ, which was

directed to the mayor and burgesses of Rochelle, and after him by Panorme,

upon the same pontifical canon; Barbatias on the Pandects, and recently by

Jason in his Councils, concerning Seyny John, the noted fool of Paris, and

Caillet’s fore great-grandfather.  The case is this.

At Paris, in the roastmeat cookery of the Petit Chastelet, before the

cookshop of one of the roastmeat sellers of that lane, a certain hungry

porter was eating his bread, after he had by parcels kept it a while above

the reek and steam of a fat goose on the spit, turning at a great fire, and

found it, so besmoked with the vapour, to be savoury; which the cook

observing, took no notice, till after having ravined his penny loaf,

whereof no morsel had been unsmokified, he was about decamping and going

away.  But, by your leave, as the fellow thought to have departed thence

shot-free, the master-cook laid hold upon him by the gorget, and demanded

payment for the smoke of his roast meat.  The porter answered, that he had

sustained no loss at all; that by what he had done there was no diminution

made of the flesh; that he had taken nothing of his, and that therefore he

was not indebted to him in anything.  As for the smoke in question, that,

although he had not been there, it would howsoever have been evaporated;

besides, that before that time it had never been seen nor heard that

roastmeat smoke was sold upon the streets of Paris.  The cook hereto

replied, that he was not obliged nor any way bound to feed and nourish for

nought a porter whom he had never seen before with the smoke of his roast

meat, and thereupon swore that if he would not forthwith content and

satisfy him with present payment for the repast which he had thereby got,

that he would take his crooked staves from off his back; which, instead of

having loads thereafter laid upon them, should serve for fuel to his

kitchen fires.  Whilst he was going about so to do, and to have pulled them

to him by one of the bottom rungs which he had caught in his hand, the

sturdy porter got out of his grip, drew forth the knotty cudgel, and stood

to his own defence.  The altercation waxed hot in words, which moved the

gaping hoidens of the sottish Parisians to run from all parts thereabouts,

to see what the issue would be of that babbling strife and contention.  In

the interim of this dispute, to very good purpose Seyny John, the fool and

citizen of Paris, happened to be there, whom the cook perceiving, said to

the porter, Wilt thou refer and submit unto the noble Seyny John the

decision of the difference and controversy which is betwixt us?  Yes, by

the blood of a goose, answered the porter, I am content.  Seyny John the

fool, finding that the cook and porter had compromised the determination of

their variance and debate to the discretion of his award and arbitrament,

after that the reasons on either side whereupon was grounded the mutual

fierceness of their brawling jar had been to the full displayed and laid

open before him, commanded the porter to draw out of the fob of his belt a

piece of money, if he had it.  Whereupon the porter immediately without

delay, in reverence to the authority of such a judicious umpire, put the

tenth part of a silver Philip into his hand.  This little Philip Seyny John

took; then set it on his left shoulder, to try by feeling if it was of a

sufficient weight.  After that, laying it on the palm of his hand, he made

it ring and tingle, to understand by the ear if it was of a good alloy in

the metal whereof it was composed.  Thereafter he put it to the ball or

apple of his left eye, to explore by the sight if it was well stamped and

marked; all which being done, in a profound silence of the whole doltish

people who were there spectators of this pageantry, to the great hope of

the cook’s and despair of the porter’s prevalency in the suit that was in

agitation, he finally caused the porter to make it sound several times upon

the stall of the cook’s shop.  Then with a presidential majesty holding his

bauble sceptre-like in his hand, muffling his head with a hood of marten

skins, each side whereof had the resemblance of an ape’s face sprucified up

with ears of pasted paper, and having about his neck a bucked ruff, raised,

furrowed, and ridged with pointing sticks of the shape and fashion of small

organ pipes, he first with all the force of his lungs coughed two or three

times, and then with an audible voice pronounced this following sentence:

The court declareth that the porter who ate his bread at the smoke of the

roast, hath civilly paid the cook with the sound of his money.  And the

said court ordaineth that everyone return to his own home, and attend his

proper business, without cost and charges, and for a cause.  This verdict,

award, and arbitrament of the Parisian fool did appear so equitable, yea,

so admirable to the aforesaid doctors, that they very much doubted if the

matter had been brought before the sessions for justice of the said place,

or that the judges of the Rota at Rome had been umpires therein, or yet

that the Areopagites themselves had been the deciders thereof, if by any

one part, or all of them together, it had been so judicially sententiated

and awarded.  Therefore advise, if you will be counselled by a fool.

Chapter 3.XXXVIII.

How Triboulet is set forth and blazed by Pantagruel and Panurge.

By my soul, quoth Panurge, that overture pleaseth me exceedingly well.  I

will therefore lay hold thereon, and embrace it.  At the very motioning

thereof my very right entrail seemeth to be widened and enlarged, which was

but just now hard-bound, contracted, and costive.  But as we have hitherto

made choice of the purest and most refined cream of wisdom and sapience for

our counsel, so would I now have to preside and bear the prime sway in our

consultation as very a fool in the supreme degree.  Triboulet, quoth

Pantagruel, is completely foolish, as I conceive.  Yes, truly, answered

Panurge, he is properly and totally a fool, a

    Pantagruel.                        Panurge.

Fatal f.                           Jovial f.

Natural f.                         Mercurial f.

Celestial f.                       Lunatic f.

Erratic f.                         Ducal f.

Eccentric f.                       Common f.

Aethereal and Junonian f.          Lordly f.

Arctic f.                          Palatine f.

Heroic f.                          Principal f.

Genial f.                          Pretorian f.

Inconstant f.                      Elected f.

Earthly f.                         Courtly f.

Salacious and sporting f.          Primipilary f.

Jocund and wanton f.               Triumphant f.

Pimpled f.                         Vulgar f.

Freckled f.                        Domestic f.

Bell-tinging f.                    Exemplary f.

Laughing and lecherous f.          Rare outlandish f.

Nimming and filching f.            Satrapal f.

Unpressed f.                       Civil f.

First broached f.                  Popular f.

Augustal f.                        Familiar f.

Caesarine f.                       Notable f.

Imperial f.                        Favourized f.

Royal f.                           Latinized f.

Patriarchal f.                     Ordinary f.

Original f.                        Transcendent f.

Loyal f.                           Rising f.

Episcopal f.                       Papal f.

Doctoral f.                        Consistorian f.

Monachal f.                        Conclavist f.

Fiscal f.                          Bullist f.

Extravagant f.                     Synodal f.

Writhed f.                         Doting and raving f.

Canonical f.                       Singular and surpassing f.

Such another f.                    Special and excelling f.

Graduated f.                       Metaphysical f.

Commensal f.                       Scatical f.

Primolicentiated f.                Predicamental and categoric f.

Train-bearing f.                   Predicable and enunciatory f.

Supererogating f.                  Decumane and superlative f.

Collateral f.                      Dutiful and officious f.

Haunch and side f.                 Optical and perspective f.

Nestling, ninny, and youngling f.  Algoristic f.

Flitting, giddy, and unsteady f.   Algebraical f.

Brancher, novice, and cockney f.   Cabalistical and Massoretical f.

Haggard, cross, and froward f.     Talmudical f.

Gentle, mild, and tractable f.     Algamalized f.

Mail-coated f.                     Compendious f.

Pilfering and purloining f.        Abbreviated f.

Tail-grown f.                      Hyperbolical f.

Grey peckled f.                    Anatomastical f.

Pleonasmical f.                    Allegorical f.

Capital f.                         Tropological f.

Hair-brained f.                    Micher pincrust f.

Cordial f.                         Heteroclit f.

Intimate f.                        Summist f.

Hepatic f.                         Abridging f.

Cupshotten and swilling f.         Morrish f.

Splenetic f.                       Leaden-sealed f.

Windy f.                           Mandatory f.

Legitimate f.                      Compassionate f.

Azymathal f.                       Titulary f.

Almicantarized f.                  Crouching, showking, ducking f.

Proportioned f.                    Grim, stern, harsh, and wayward f.

Chinnified f.                      Well-hung and timbered f.

Swollen and puffed up f.           Ill-clawed, pounced, and pawed f.

Overcockrifedlid and lified f.     Well-stoned f.

Corallory f.                       Crabbed and unpleasing f.

Eastern f.                         Winded and untainted f.

Sublime f.                         Kitchen haunting f.

Crimson f.                         Lofty and stately f.

Ingrained f.                       Spitrack f.

City f.                            Architrave f.

Basely accoutred f.                Pedestal f.

Mast-headed f.                     Tetragonal f.

Modal f.                           Renowned f.

Second notial f.                   Rheumatic f.

Cheerful and buxom f.              Flaunting and braggadocio f.

Solemn f.                          Egregious f.

Annual f.                          Humourous and capricious f.

Festival f.                        Rude, gross, and absurd f.

Recreative f.                      Large-measured f.

Boorish and counterfeit f.         Babble f.

Pleasant f.                        Down-right f.

Privileged f.                      Broad-listed f.

Rustical f.                        Duncical-bearing f.

Proper and peculiar f.             Stale and over-worn f.

Ever ready f.                      Saucy and swaggering f.

Diapasonal f.                      Full-bulked f.

Resolute f.                        Gallant and vainglorious f.

Hieroglyphical f.                  Gorgeous and gaudy f.

Authentic f.                       Continual and intermitting f.

Worthy f.                          Rebasing and roundling f.

Precious f.                        Prototypal and precedenting f.

Fanatic f.                         Prating f.

Fantastical f.                     Catechetic f.

Symphatic f.                       Cacodoxical f.

Panic f.                           Meridional f.

Limbecked and distilled f.         Nocturnal f.

Comportable f.                     Occidental f.

Wretched and heartless f.          Trifling f.

Fooded f.                          Astrological and figure-flinging f.

Thick and threefold f.             Genethliac and horoscopal f.

Damasked f.                        Knavish f.

Fearney f.                         Idiot f.

Unleavened f.                      Blockish f.

Baritonant f.                      Beetle-headed f.

Pink and spot-powdered f.          Grotesque f.

Musket-proof f.                    Impertinent f.

Pedantic f.                        Quarrelsome f.

Strouting f.                       Unmannerly f.

Wood f.                            Captious and sophistical f.

Greedy f.                          Soritic f.

Senseless f.                       Catholoproton f.

Godderlich f.                      Hoti and Dioti f.

Obstinate f.                       Alphos and Catati f.

Contradictory f.

Pedagogical f.

Daft f.

Drunken f.

Peevish f.

Prodigal f.

Rash f.

Plodding f.

  Pantagruel.  If there was any reason why at Rome the Quirinal holiday of

old was called the Feast of Fools, I know not why we may not for the like

cause institute in France the Tribouletic Festivals, to be celebrated and

solemnized over all the land.

  Panurge.  If all fools carried cruppers.

  Pantagruel.  If he were the god Fatuus of whom we have already made

mention, the husband of the goddess Fatua, his father would be Good Day,

and his grandmother Good Even.

  Panurge.  If all fools paced, albeit he be somewhat wry-legged, he would

overlay at least a fathom at every rake.  Let us go toward him without any

further lingering or delay; we shall have, no doubt, some fine resolution

of him.  I am ready to go, and long for the issue of our progress

impatiently.  I must needs, quoth Pantagruel, according to my former

resolution therein, be present at Bridlegoose’s trial.  Nevertheless,

whilst I shall be upon my journey towards Mirelingues, which is on the

other side of the river of Loire, I will despatch Carpalin to bring along

with him from Blois the fool Triboulet.  Then was Carpalin instantly sent

away, and Pantagruel, at the same time attended by his domestics, Panurge,

Epistemon, Ponocrates, Friar John, Gymnast, Ryzotomus, and others, marched

forward on the high road to Mirelingues.

Chapter 3.XXXIX.

How Pantagruel was present at the trial of Judge Bridlegoose, who decided

causes and controversies in law by the chance and fortune of the dice.

On the day following, precisely at the hour appointed, Pantagruel came to

Mirelingues.  At his arrival the presidents, senators, and counsellors

prayed him to do them the honour to enter in with them, to hear the

decision of all the causes, arguments, and reasons which Bridlegoose in his

own defence would produce, why he had pronounced a certain sentence against

the subsidy-assessor, Toucheronde, which did not seem very equitable to

that centumviral court.  Pantagruel very willingly condescended to their

desire, and accordingly entering in, found Bridlegoose sitting within the

middle of the enclosure of the said court of justice; who immediately upon

the coming of Pantagruel, accompanied with the senatorian members of that

worshipful judicatory, arose, went to the bar, had his indictment read, and

for all his reasons, defences, and excuses, answered nothing else but that

he was become old, and that his sight of late was very much failed, and

become dimmer than it was wont to be; instancing therewithal many miseries

and calamities which old age bringeth along with it, and are concomitant to

wrinkled elders; which not. per Archid. d. lxxxvi. c. tanta.  By reason of

which infirmity he was not able so distinctly and clearly to discern the

points and blots of the dice as formerly he had been accustomed to do;

whence it might very well have happened, said he, as old dim-sighted Isaac

took Jacob for Esau, that I after the same manner, at the decision of

causes and controversies in law, should have been mistaken in taking a

quatre for a cinque, or a trey for a deuce.  This I beseech your worships,

quoth he, to take into your serious consideration, and to have the more

favourable opinion of my uprightness, notwithstanding the prevarication

whereof I am accused in the matter of Toucheronde’s sentence, that at the

time of that decree’s pronouncing I only had made use of my small dice; and

your worships, said he, know very well how by the most authentic rules of

the law it is provided that the imperfections of nature should never be

imputed unto any for crimes and transgressions; as appeareth, ff. de re

milit. l. qui cum uno. ff. de reg.  Jur. l. fere. ff. de aedil. edict. per

totum. ff. de term. mod. l. Divus Adrianus, resolved by Lud. Rom. in l. si

vero. ff. Sol. Matr.  And who would offer to do otherwise, should not

thereby accuse the man, but nature, and the all-seeing providence of God,

as is evident in l. Maximum Vitium, c. de lib. praeter.

What kind of dice, quoth Trinquamelle, grand-president of the said court,

do you mean, my friend Bridlegoose?  The dice, quoth Bridlegoose, of

sentences at law, decrees, and peremptory judgments, Alea Judiciorum,

whereof is written, Per Doct. 26. qu. 2. cap. sort. l. nec emptio ff. de

contrahend. empt. l. quod debetur. ff. de pecul. et ibi Bartol., and which

your worships do, as well as I, use, in this glorious sovereign court of

yours.  So do all other righteous judges in their decision of processes and

final determination of legal differences, observing that which hath been

said thereof by D. Henri. Ferrandat, et not. gl. in c. fin. de sortil. et

l. sed cum ambo. ff. de jud.  Ubi Docto.  Mark, that chance and fortune are

good, honest, profitable, and necessary for ending of and putting a final

closure to dissensions and debates in suits at law.  The same hath more

clearly been declared by Bald. Bartol. et Alex. c. communia de leg. l. Si

duo.  But how is it that you do these things? asked Trinquamelle.  I very

briefly, quoth Bridlegoose, shall answer you, according to the doctrine and

instructions of Leg. ampliorem para. in refutatoriis. c. de appel.; which

is conform to what is said in Gloss l. 1. ff. quod met. causa.  Gaudent

brevitate moderni.  My practice is therein the same with that of your other

worships, and as the custom of the judicatory requires, unto which our law

commandeth us to have regard, and by the rule thereof still to direct and

regulate our actions and procedures; ut not. extra. de consuet. in c. ex

literis et ibi innoc.  For having well and exactly seen, surveyed,

overlooked, reviewed, recognized, read, and read over again, turned and

tossed over, seriously perused and examined the bills of complaint,

accusations, impeachments, indictments, warnings, citations, summonings,

comparitions, appearances, mandates, commissions, delegations,

instructions, informations, inquests, preparatories, productions,

evidences, proofs, allegations, depositions, cross speeches,

contradictions, supplications, requests, petitions, inquiries, instruments

of the deposition of witnesses, rejoinders, replies, confirmations of

former assertions, duplies, triplies, answers to rejoinders, writings,

deeds, reproaches, disabling of exceptions taken, grievances, salvation

bills, re-examination of witnesses, confronting of them together,

declarations, denunciations, libels, certificates, royal missives, letters

of appeal, letters of attorney, instruments of compulsion, delineatories,

anticipatories, evocations, messages, dimissions, issues, exceptions,

dilatory pleas, demurs, compositions, injunctions, reliefs, reports,

returns, confessions, acknowledgments, exploits, executions, and other

such-like confects and spiceries, both at the one and the other side, as a

good judge ought to do, conform to what hath been noted thereupon.  Spec.

de ordination. Paragr. 3. et Tit. de Offi. omn. jud. paragr. fin. et de

rescriptis praesentat. parag. 1.--I posit on the end of a table in my

closet all the pokes and bags of the defendant, and then allow unto him the

first hazard of the dice, according to the usual manner of your other

worships.  And it is mentioned, l. favorabiliores. ff. de reg. jur. et in

cap. cum sunt eod. tit. lib. 6, which saith, Quum sunt partium jura

obscura, reo potius favendum est quam actori.  That being done, I

thereafter lay down upon the other end of the same table the bags and

satchels of the plaintiff, as your other worships are accustomed to do,

visum visu, just over against one another; for Opposita juxta se posita

clarius elucescunt:  ut not. in lib. 1. parag. Videamus. ff. de his qui

sunt sui vel alieni juris, et in l. munerum. para. mixta ff. de mun. et

hon.  Then do I likewise and semblably throw the dice for him, and

forthwith livre him his chance.  But, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, how

come you to know, understand, and resolve the obscurity of these various

and seeming contrary passages in law, which are laid claim to by the

suitors and pleading parties?  Even just, quoth Bridlegoose, after the

fashion of your other worships; to wit, when there are many bags on the one

side and on the other, I then use my little small dice, after the customary

manner of your other worships, in obedience to the law, Semper in

stipulationibus ff. de reg. jur.  And the law ver(s)ified versifieth that,

Eod. tit. Semper in obscuris quod minimum est sequimur; canonized in c. in

obscuris. eod. tit. lib. 6.  I have other large great dice, fair and goodly

ones, which I employ in the fashion that your other worships use to do,

when the matter is more plain, clear, and liquid, that is to say, when

there are fewer bags.  But when you have done all these fine things, quoth

Trinquamelle, how do you, my friend, award your decrees, and pronounce

judgment?  Even as your other worships, answered Bridlegoose; for I give

out sentence in his favour unto whom hath befallen the best chance by dice,

judiciary, tribunian, pretorial, what comes first.  So our laws command,

ff. qui pot. in pign. l. creditor, c. de consul. 1.  Et de regul. jur. in

6.  Qui prior est tempore potior est jure.

Chapter 3.XL.

How Bridlegoose giveth reasons why he looked upon those law-actions which

he decided by the chance of the dice.

Yea but, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, seeing it is by the lot, chance,

and throw of the dice that you award your judgments and sentences, why do

not you livre up these fair throws and chances the very same day and hour,

without any further procrastination or delay, that the controverting

party-pleaders appear before you?  To what use can those writings serve you,

those papers and other procedures contained in the bags and pokes of the

law-suitors?  To the very same use, quoth Bridlegoose, that they serve your

other worships.  They are behooveful unto me, and serve my turn in three

things very exquisite, requisite, and authentical.  First, for formality

sake, the omission whereof, that it maketh all, whatever is done, to be of

no force nor value, is excellently well proved, by Spec. 1. tit. de instr.

edit. et tit. de rescript. praesent.  Besides that, it is not unknown to

you, who have had many more experiments thereof than I, how oftentimes, in

judicial proceedings, the formalities utterly destroy the materialities and

substances of the causes and matters agitated; for Forma mutata, mutatur

substantia. ff. ad exhib. l. Julianus. ff. ad leg. Fal. l. si is qui

quadraginta.  Et extra de decim. c. ad audientiam, et de celebrat. miss. c.

in quadam.

Secondly, they are useful and steadable to me, even as unto your other

worships, in lieu of some other honest and healthful exercise.  The late

Master Othoman Vadet (Vadere), a prime physician, as you would say, Cod. de

Comit. et Archi. lib. 12, hath frequently told me that the lack and default

of bodily exercise is the chief, if not the sole and only cause of the

little health and short lives of all officers of justice, such as your

worships and I am.  Which observation was singularly well before him noted

and remarked by Bartholus in lib. 1. c. de sent. quae pro eo quod.

Therefore it is that the practice of such-like exercitations is appointed

to be laid hold on by your other worships, and consequently not to be

denied unto me, who am of the same profession; Quia accessorium naturam

sequitur principalis. de reg. jur. l. 6. et l. cum principalis. et l. nihil

dolo. ff. eod. tit. ff. de fide-juss. l. fide-juss. et extra de officio

deleg. cap. 1.  Let certain honest and recreative sports and plays of

corporeal exercises be allowed and approved of; and so far, (ff. de allus.

et aleat. l. solent. et authent.) ut omnes obed. in princ. coll. 7. et ff.

de praescript. verb. l. si gratuitam et l. 1. cod. de spect. l. 11.  Such

also is the opinion of D. Thom, in secunda, secundae Q. I. 168.  Quoted in

very good purpose by D. Albert de Rosa, who fuit magnus practicus, and a

solemn doctor, as Barbatias attesteth in principiis consil.  Wherefore the

reason is evidently and clearly deduced and set down before us in gloss. in

prooemio. ff. par. ne autem tertii.

  Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis.

In very deed, once, in the year a thousand four hundred fourscore and

ninth, having a business concerning the portion and inheritance of a

younger brother depending in the court and chamber of the four high

treasurers of France, whereinto as soon as ever I got leave to enter by a

pecuniary permission of the usher thereof,--as your other worships know

very well, that Pecuniae obediunt omnia, and there says Baldus, in l.

singularia. ff. si cert. pet. et Salic. in l. receptitia. Cod. de constit.

pecuni. et Card. in Clem. 1. de baptism.--I found them all recreating and

diverting themselves at the play called muss, either before or after

dinner; to me, truly, it is a thing altogether indifferent whether of the

two it was, provided that hic not., that the game of the muss is honest,

healthful, ancient, and lawful, a Muscho inventore, de quo cod. de petit.

haered. l. si post mortem. et Muscarii.  Such as play and sport it at the

muss are excusable in and by law, lib. 1. c. de excus. artific. lib. 10.

And at the very same time was Master Tielman Picquet one of the players of

that game of muss.  There is nothing that I do better remember, for he

laughed heartily when his fellow-members of the aforesaid judicial chamber

spoiled their caps in swingeing of his shoulders.  He, nevertheless, did

even then say unto them, that the banging and flapping of him, to the waste

and havoc of their caps, should not, at their return from the palace to

their own houses, excuse them from their wives, Per. c. extra. de

praesumpt. et ibi gloss.  Now, resolutorie loquendo, I should say,

according to the style and phrase of your other worships, that there is no

exercise, sport, game, play, nor recreation in all this palatine, palatial,

or parliamentary world, more aromatizing and fragrant than to empty and

void bags and purses, turn over papers and writings, quote margins and

backs of scrolls and rolls, fill panniers, and take inspection of causes,

Ex. Bart. et Joan. de Pra. in l. falsa. de condit. et demonst. ff.

Thirdly, I consider, as your own worships use to do, that time ripeneth and

bringeth all things to maturity, that by time everything cometh to be made

manifest and patent, and that time is the father of truth and virtue.

Gloss. in l. 1. cod. de servit. authent. de restit. et ea quae pa. et spec.

tit. de requisit. cons.  Therefore is it that, after the manner and fashion

of your other worships, I defer, protract, delay, prolong, intermit,

surcease, pause, linger, suspend, prorogate, drive out, wire-draw, and

shift off the time of giving a definitive sentence, to the end that the

suit or process, being well fanned and winnowed, tossed and canvassed to

and fro, narrowly, precisely, and nearly garbled, sifted, searched, and

examined, and on all hands exactly argued, disputed, and debated, may, by

succession of time, come at last to its full ripeness and maturity.  By

means whereof, when the fatal hazard of the dice ensueth thereupon, the

parties cast or condemned by the said aleatory chance will with much

greater patience, and more mildly and gently, endure and bear up the

disastrous load of their misfortune, than if they had been sentenced at

their first arrival unto the court, as not. gl. ff. de excus. tut. l. tria.

onera.

  Portatur leviter quod portat quisque libenter.

On the other part, to pass a decree or sentence when the action is raw,

crude, green, unripe, unprepared, as at the beginning, a danger would ensue

of a no less inconveniency than that which the physicians have been wont to

say befalleth to him in whom an imposthume is pierced before it be ripe, or

unto any other whose body is purged of a strong predominating humour before

its digestion.  For as it is written, in authent. haec constit. in Innoc.

de constit. princip., so is the same repeated in gloss. in c. caeterum.

extra. de juram. calumn.  Quod medicamenta morbis exhibent, hoc jura

negotiis.  Nature furthermore admonisheth and teacheth us to gather and

reap, eat and feed on fruits when they are ripe, and not before.  Instit.

de rer. div. paragr. is ad quem et ff. de action. empt. l. Julianus.  To

marry likewise our daughters when they are ripe, and no sooner, ff. de

donation. inter vir. et uxor. l. cum hic status. paragr. si quis sponsam.

et 27 qu. 1. c. sicut dicit. gl.

  Jam matura thoro plenis adoleverat annis

  Virginitas.

And, in a word, she instructeth us to do nothing of any considerable

importance, but in a full maturity and ripeness, 23. q. para ult. et 23. de

c. ultimo.

Chapter 3.XLI.

How Bridlegoose relateth the history of the reconcilers of parties at

variance in matters of law.

I remember to the same purpose, quoth Bridlegoose, in continuing his

discourse, that in the time when at Poictiers I was a student of law under

Brocadium Juris, there was at Semerve one Peter Dandin, a very honest man,

careful labourer of the ground, fine singer in a church-desk, of good

repute and credit, and older than the most aged of all your worships; who

was wont to say that he had seen the great and goodly good man, the Council

of Lateran, with his wide and broad-brimmed red hat.  As also, that he had

beheld and looked upon the fair and beautiful Pragmatical Sanction his

wife, with her huge rosary or patenotrian chaplet of jet-beads hanging at a

large sky-coloured ribbon.  This honest man compounded, atoned, and agreed

more differences, controversies, and variances at law than had been

determined, voided, and finished during his time in the whole palace of

Poictiers, in the auditory of Montmorillon, and in the town-house of the

old Partenay.  This amicable disposition of his rendered him venerable and

of great estimation, sway, power, and authority throughout all the

neighbouring places of Chauvigny, Nouaille, Leguge, Vivonne, Mezeaux,

Estables, and other bordering and circumjacent towns, villages, and

hamlets.  All their debates were pacified by him; he put an end to their

brabbling suits at law and wrangling differences.  By his advice and

counsels were accords and reconcilements no less firmly made than if the

verdict of a sovereign judge had been interposed therein, although, in very

deed, he was no judge at all, but a right honest man, as you may well

conceive,--arg. in l. sed si unius. ff. de jure-jur. et de verbis

obligatoriis l.continuus.  There was not a hog killed within three parishes

of him whereof he had not some part of the haslet and puddings.  He was

almost every day invited either to a marriage banquet, christening feast,

an uprising or women-churching treatment, a birthday’s anniversary

solemnity, a merry frolic gossiping, or otherwise to some delicious

entertainment in a tavern, to make some accord and agreement between

persons at odds and in debate with one another.  Remark what I say; for he

never yet settled and compounded a difference betwixt any two at variance,

but he straight made the parties agreed and pacified to drink together as a

sure and infallible token and symbol of a perfect and completely

well-cemented reconciliation, sign of a sound and sincere amity and proper

mark of a new joy and gladness to follow thereupon,--Ut not. per (Doct.) ff.

de peric. et com. rei vend. l. 1.  He had a son, whose name was Tenot

Dandin, a lusty, young, sturdy, frisking roister, so help me God! who

likewise, in imitation of his peace-making father, would have undertaken and

meddled with the making up of variances and deciding of controversies

betwixt disagreeing and contentious party-pleaders; as you know,

  Saepe solet similis esse patri.

  Et sequitur leviter filia matris iter.

Ut ait gloss. 6, quaest. 1. c. Si quis. gloss. de cons. dist. 5. c. 2. fin.

et est. not. per Doct. cod. de impub. et aliis substit. l. ult. et l.

legitime. ff. de stat. hom. gloss. in l. quod si nolit. ff. de aedil.

edict. l. quisquis c. ad leg. Jul. Majest. Excipio filios a Moniali

susceptos ex Monacho. per glos. in c. impudicas. 27. quaestione. 1.  And

such was his confidence to have no worse success than his father, he

assumed unto himself the title of Law-strife-settler.  He was likewise in

these pacificatory negotiations so active and vigilant--for, Vigilantibus

jura subveniunt. ex l. pupillus. ff. quae in fraud. cred. et ibid. l. non

enim. et instit. in prooem.--that when he had smelt, heard, and fully

understood--ut ff.si quando paup. fec. l. Agaso. gloss. in verb. olfecit,

id est, nasum ad culum posuit--and found that there was anywhere in the

country a debatable matter at law, he would incontinently thrust in his

advice, and so forwardly intrude his opinion in the business, that he made

no bones of making offer, and taking upon him to decide it, how difficult

soever it might happen to be, to the full contentment and satisfaction of

both parties.  It is written, Qui non laborat non manducat; and the said

gl. ff. de damn. infect. l. quamvis, and Currere plus que le pas vetulam

compellit egestas. gloss. ff. de lib. agnosc. l. si quis. pro qua facit. l.

si plures. c. de cond. incert.  But so hugely great was his misfortune in

this his undertaking, that he never composed any difference, how little

soever you may imagine it might have been, but that, instead of reconciling

the parties at odds, he did incense, irritate, and exasperate them to a

higher point of dissension and enmity than ever they were at before.  Your

worships know, I doubt not, that,

  Sermo datur cunctis, animi sapientia paucis.

Gl. ff. de alien. jud. mut. caus. fa. lib.2.  This administered unto the

tavern-keepers, wine-drawers, and vintners of Semerve an occasion to say,

that under him they had not in the space of a whole year so much

reconciliation-wine, for so were they pleased to call the good wine of

Leguge, as under his father they had done in one half-hour’s time.  It

happened a little while thereafter that he made a most heavy regret thereof

to his father, attributing the causes of his bad success in pacificatory

enterprises to the perversity, stubbornness, froward, cross, and backward

inclinations of the people of his time; roundly, boldly, and irreverently

upbraiding, that if but a score of years before the world had been so

wayward, obstinate, pervicacious, implacable, and out of all square, frame,

and order as it was then, his father had never attained to and acquired the

honour and title of Strife-appeaser so irrefragably, inviolably, and

irrevocably as he had done.  In doing whereof Tenot did heinously

transgress against the law which prohibiteth children to reproach the

actions of their parents; per gl. et Bart. l. 3. paragr. si quis. ff. de

cond. ob caus. et authent. de nupt. par. sed quod sancitum. col. 4.  To

this the honest old father answered thus:  My son Dandin, when Don Oportet

taketh place, this is the course which we must trace, gl. c. de appell. l.

eos etiam.  For the road that you went upon was not the way to the fuller’s

mill, nor in any part thereof was the form to be found wherein the hare did

sit.  Thou hast not the skill and dexterity of settling and composing

differences.  Why?  Because thou takest them at the beginning, in the very

infancy and bud as it were, when they are green, raw, and indigestible.

Yet I know handsomely and featly how to compose and settle them all.  Why?

Because I take them at their decadence, in their weaning, and when they are

pretty well digested.  So saith Gloss:

  Dulcior est fructus post multa pericula ductus.

L. non moriturus. c. de contrahend. et committ. stip.  Didst thou ever hear

the vulgar proverb, Happy is the physician whose coming is desired at the

declension of a disease?  For the sickness being come to a crisis is then

upon the decreasing hand, and drawing towards an end, although the

physician should not repair thither for the cure thereof; whereby, though

nature wholly do the work, he bears away the palm and praise thereof.  My

pleaders, after the same manner, before I did interpose my judgment in the

reconciling of them, were waxing faint in their contestations.  Their

altercation heat was much abated, and, in declining from their former

strife, they of themselves inclined to a firm accommodation of their

differences; because there wanted fuel to that fire of burning rancour and

despiteful wrangling whereof the lower sort of lawyers were the kindlers.

That is to say, their purses were emptied of coin, they had not a win in

their fob, nor penny in their bag, wherewith to solicit and present their

actions.

  Deficiente pecu, deficit omne, nia.

There wanted then nothing but some brother to supply the place of a

paranymph, brawl-broker, proxenete, or mediator, who, acting his part

dexterously, should be the first broacher of the motion of an agreement,

for saving both the one and the other party from that hurtful and

pernicious shame whereof he could not have avoided the imputation when it

should have been said that he was the first who yielded and spoke of a

reconcilement, and that therefore, his cause not being good, and being

sensible where his shoe did pinch him, he was willing to break the ice, and

make the greater haste to prepare the way for a condescendment to an

amicable and friendly treaty.  Then was it that I came in pudding time,

Dandin, my son, nor is the fat of bacon more relishing to boiled peas than

was my verdict then agreeable to them.  This was my luck, my profit, and

good fortune.  I tell thee, my jolly son Dandin, that by this rule and

method I could settle a firm peace, or at least clap up a cessation of arms

and truce for many years to come, betwixt the Great King and the Venetian

State, the Emperor and the Cantons of Switzerland, the English and the

Scots, and betwixt the Pope and the Ferrarians.  Shall I go yet further?

Yea, as I would have God to help me, betwixt the Turk and the Sophy, the

Tartars and the Muscoviters.  Remark well what I am to say unto thee.  I

would take them at that very instant nick of time when both those of the

one and the other side should be weary and tired of making war, when they

had voided and emptied their own cashes and coffers of all treasure and

coin, drained and exhausted the purses and bags of their subjects, sold and

mortgaged their domains and proper inheritances, and totally wasted, spent,

and consumed the munition, furniture, provision, and victuals that were

necessary for the continuance of a military expedition.  There I am sure,

by God, or by his Mother, that, would they, would they not, in spite of all

their teeths, they should be forced to have a little respite and breathing

time to moderate the fury and cruel rage of their ambitious aims.  This is

the doctrine in Gl. 37. d. c. si quando.

  Odero, si potero; si non, invitus amabo.

Chapter 3.XLII.

How suits at law are bred at first, and how they come afterwards to their

perfect growth.

For this cause, quoth Bridlegoose, going on in his discourse, I temporize

and apply myself to the times, as your other worships use to do, waiting

patiently for the maturity of the process, full growth and perfection

thereof in all its members, to wit, the writings and the bags.  Arg. in l.

si major. c. commun. divid. et de cons. di. 1. c. solemnitates, et ibi gl.

A suit in law at its production, birth, and first beginning, seemeth to me,

as unto your other worships, shapeless, without form or fashion,

incomplete, ugly and imperfect, even as a bear at his first coming into the

world hath neither hands, skin, hair, nor head, but is merely an inform,

rude, and ill-favoured piece and lump of flesh, and would remain still so,

if his dam, out of the abundance of her affection to her hopeful cub, did

not with much licking put his members into that figure and shape which

nature had provided for those of an arctic and ursinal kind; ut not. Doct.

ff. ad l. Aquil. l. 3. in fin.  Just so do I see, as your other worships

do, processes and suits in law, at their first bringing forth, to be

numberless, without shape, deformed, and disfigured, for that then they

consist only of one or two writings, or copies of instruments, through

which defect they appear unto me, as to your other worships, foul,

loathsome, filthy, and misshapen beasts.  But when there are heaps of these

legiformal papers packed, piled, laid up together, impoked, insatchelled,

and put up in bags, then is it that with a good reason we may term that

suit, to which, as pieces, parcels, parts, portions, and members thereof,

they do pertain and belong, well-formed and fashioned, big-limbed,

strong-set, and in all and each of its dimensions most completely membered.

Because forma dat esse. rei. l. si is qui. ff. ad leg.  Falcid. in c. cum

dilecta. de rescript. Barbat. consil. 12. lib. 2, and before him, Baldus,

in c. ult. extra. de consuet. et l. Julianus ad exhib. ff. et l. quaesitum.

ff. de leg. 3.  The manner is such as is set down in gl. p. quaest. 1. c.

Paulus.

  Debile principium melior fortuna sequetur.

Like your other worships, also the sergeants, catchpoles, pursuivants,

messengers, summoners, apparitors, ushers, door-keepers, pettifoggers,

attorneys, proctors, commissioners, justices of the peace, judge delegates,

arbitrators, overseers, sequestrators, advocates, inquisitors, jurors,

searchers, examiners, notaries, tabellions, scribes, scriveners, clerks,

pregnotaries, secondaries, and expedanean judges, de quibus tit. est. l. 3.

c., by sucking very much, and that exceeding forcibly, and licking at the

purses of the pleading parties, they, to the suits already begot and

engendered, form, fashion, and frame head, feet, claws, talons, beaks,

bills, teeth, hands, veins, sinews, arteries, muscles, humours, and so

forth, through all the similary and dissimilary parts of the whole; which

parts, particles, pendicles, and appurtenances are the law pokes and bags,

gl. de cons. d. 4. c. accepisti.  Qualis vestis erit, talia corda gerit.

Hic notandum est, that in this respect the pleaders, litigants, and

law-suitors are happier than the officers, ministers, and administrators of

justice.  For beatius est dare quam accipere. ff. commun. l. 3. extra. de

celebr. Miss. c. cum Marthae. et 24. quaest. 1. cap. Od. gl.

  Affectum dantis pensat censura tonantis.

Thus becometh the action or process by their care and industry to be of a

complete and goodly bulk, well shaped, framed, formed, and fashioned

according to the canonical gloss.

  Accipe, sume, cape, sunt verba placentia Papae.

Which speech hath been more clearly explained by Albert de Ros, in verbo

Roma.

  Roma manus rodit, quas rodere non valet, odit.

  Dantes custodit, non dantes spernit, et odit.

The reason whereof is thought to be this:

  Ad praesens ova cras pullis sunt meliora.

ut est gl. in l. quum hi. ff. de transact.  Nor is this all; for the

inconvenience of the contrary is set down in gloss. c. de allu. l. fin.

  Quum labor in damno est, crescit mortalis egestas.

In confirmation whereof we find that the true etymology and exposition of

the word process is purchase, viz. of good store of money to the lawyers,

and of many pokes--id est, prou-sacks--to the pleaders, upon which subject

we have most celestial quips, gibes, and girds.

  Ligitando jura crescunt; litigando jus acquiritur.

Item gl. in cap. illud extrem. de praesumpt. et c. de prob. l. instrum. l.

non epistolis. l. non nudis.

  Et si non prosunt singula, multa juvant.

Yea but, asked Trinquamelle, how do you proceed, my friend, in criminal

causes, the culpable and guilty party being taken and seized upon flagrante

crimine?  Even as your other worships use to do, answered Bridlegoose.

First, I permit the plaintiff to depart from the court, enjoining him not

to presume to return thither till he preallably should have taken a good

sound and profound sleep, which is to serve for the prime entry and

introduction to the legal carrying on of the business.  In the next place,

a formal report is to be made to me of his having slept.  Thirdly, I issue

forth a warrant to convene him before me.  Fourthly, he is to produce a

sufficient and authentic attestation of his having thoroughly and entirely

slept, conform to the Gloss. 37. Quest. 7. c. Si quis cum.

  Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus.

Being thus far advanced in the formality of the process, I find that this

consopiating act engendereth another act, whence ariseth the articulating

of a member.  That again produceth a third act, fashionative of another

member; which third bringing forth a fourth, procreative of another act.

New members in a no fewer number are shapen and framed, one still breeding

and begetting another--as, link after link, the coat of mail at length is

made--till thus, piece after piece, by little and little, by information

upon information, the process be completely well formed and perfect in all

his members.  Finally, having proceeded this length, I have recourse to my

dice, nor is it to be thought that this interruption, respite, or

interpellation is by me occasioned without very good reason inducing me

thereunto, and a notable experience of a most convincing and irrefragable

force.

I remember, on a time, that in the camp at Stockholm there was a certain

Gascon named Gratianauld, native of the town of Saint Sever, who having

lost all his money at play, and consecutively being very angry thereat--as

you know, Pecunia est alter sanguis, ut ait Anto. de Burtio, in c.

accedens. 2. extra ut lit. non contest. et Bald. in l. si tuis. c. de opt.

leg. per tot.in l. advocati. c. de advoc. div. jud.  Pecunia est vita

hominis et optimus fide-jussor in necessitatibus--did, at his coming forth

of the gaming-house, in the presence of the whole company that was there,

with a very loud voice speak in his own language these following words:

Pao cap de bious hillots, que maux de pipes bous tresbire:  ares que de

pergudes sont les mires bingt, et quouatre bagnelles, ta pla donnerien

pics, trucs, et patacts, Sey degun de bous aulx, qui boille truquar ambe

iou a bels embis.  Finding that none would make him any answer, he passed

from thence to that part of the leaguer where the huff-snuff, honder

sponder, swashbuckling High Germans were, to whom he renewed these very

terms, provoking them to fight with him; but all the return he had from

them to his stout challenge was only, Der Gasconner thut sich ausz mit ein

iedem zu schlagen, aber er ist geneigter zu stehlen, darum, liebe frawen,

habt sorg zu euerm hauszrath.  Finding also that none of that band of

Teutonic soldiers offered himself to the combat, he passed to that quarter

of the leaguer where the French freebooting adventurers were encamped, and

reiterating unto them what he had before repeated to the Dutch warriors,

challenged them likewise to fight with him, and therewithal made some

pretty little Gasconado frisking gambols to oblige them the more cheerfully

and gallantly to cope with him in the lists of a duellizing engagement; but

no answer at all was made unto him.  Whereupon the Gascon, despairing of

meeting with any antagonists, departed from thence, and laying himself down

not far from the pavilions of the grand Christian cavalier Crissie, fell

fast asleep.  When he had thoroughly slept an hour or two, another

adventurous and all-hazarding blade of the forlorn hope of the lavishingly

wasting gamesters, having also lost all his moneys, sallied forth with

sword in his hand, of a firm resolution to fight with the aforesaid Gascon,

seeing he had lost as well as he.

  Ploratur lachrymis amissa pecunia veris,

saith the Gl. de poenitent. distinct. 3. c. sunt plures.  To this effect

having made inquiry and search for him throughout the whole camp, and in

sequel thereof found him asleep, he said unto him, Up, ho, good fellow, in

the name of all the devils of hell, rise up, rise up, get up!  I have lost

my money as well as thou hast done; let us therefore go fight lustily

together, grapple and scuffle it to some purpose.  Thou mayest look and see

that my tuck is no longer than thy rapier.  The Gascon, altogether

astonished at his unexpected provocation, without altering his former

dialect spoke thus:  Cap de Saint Arnault, quau seys to you, qui me

rebeillez?  Que mau de taberne te gire.  Ho Saint Siobe, cap de Gascoigne,

ta pla dormy jou, quand aquoest taquain me bingut estee.  The venturous

roister inviteth him again to the duel, but the Gascon, without

condescending to his desire, said only this:  He paovret jou tesquinerie

ares, que son pla reposat.  Vayne un pauque te pausar com jou, peusse

truqueren.  Thus, in forgetting his loss, he forgot the eagerness which he

had to fight.  In conclusion, after that the other had likewise slept a

little, they, instead of fighting, and possibly killing one another, went

jointly to a sutler’s tent, where they drank together very amicably, each

upon the pawn of his sword.  Thus by a little sleep was pacified the ardent

fury of two warlike champions.  There, gossip, comes the golden word of

John Andr. in cap. ult. de sent. et re. judic. l. sexto.

  Sedendo, et dormiendo fit anima prudens.

Chapter 3.XLIII.

How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose in the matter of sentencing actions at

law by the chance of the dice.

With this Bridlegoose held his peace.  Whereupon Trinquamelle bid him

withdraw from the court--which accordingly was done--and then directed his

discourse to Pantagruel after this manner:  It is fitting, most illustrious

prince, not only by reason of the deep obligations wherein this present

parliament, together with the whole marquisate of Mirelingues, stand bound

to your royal highness for the innumerable benefits which, as effects of

mere grace, they have received from your incomparable bounty, but for that

excellent wit also, prime judgment, and admirable learning wherewith

Almighty God, the giver of all good things, hath most richly qualified and

endowed you, we tender and present unto you the decision of this new,

strange, and paradoxical case of Bridlegoose; who, in your presence, to

your both hearing and seeing, hath plainly confessed his final judging and

determinating of suits of law by the mere chance and fortune of the dice.

Therefore do we beseech you that you may be pleased to give sentence

therein as unto you shall seem most just and equitable.  To this Pantagruel

answered:  Gentlemen, it is not unknown to you how my condition is somewhat

remote from the profession of deciding law controversies; yet, seeing you

are pleased to do me the honour to put that task upon me, instead of

undergoing the office of a judge I will become your humble supplicant.  I

observe, gentlemen, in this Bridlegoose several things which induce me to

represent before you that it is my opinion he should be pardoned.  In the

first place, his old age; secondly, his simplicity; to both which qualities

our statute and common laws, civil and municipal together, allow many

excuses for any slips or escapes which, through the invincible imperfection

of either, have been inconsiderately stumbled upon by a person so

qualified.  Thirdly, gentlemen, I must needs display before you another

case, which in equity and justice maketh much for the advantage of

Bridlegoose, to wit, that this one, sole, and single fault of his ought to

be quite forgotten, abolished, and swallowed up by that immense and vast

ocean of just dooms and sentences which heretofore he hath given and

pronounced; his demeanours, for these forty years and upwards that he hath

been a judge, having been so evenly balanced in the scales of uprightness,

that envy itself till now could not have been so impudent as to accuse and

twit him with any act worthy of a check or reprehension; as, if a drop of

the sea were thrown into the Loire, none could perceive or say that by this

single drop the whole river should be salt and brackish.

Truly, it seemeth unto me, that in the whole series of Bridlegoose’s

juridical decrees there hath been I know not what of extraordinary

savouring of the unspeakable benignity of God, that all those his preceding

sentences, awards, and judgments, have been confirmed and approved of by

yourselves in this your own venerable and sovereign court.  For it is

usual, as you know well, with him whose ways are inscrutable, to manifest

his own ineffable glory in blunting the perspicacy of the eyes of the wise,

in weakening the strength of potent oppressors, in depressing the pride of

rich extortioners, and in erecting, comforting, protecting, supporting,

upholding, and shoring up the poor, feeble, humble, silly, and foolish ones

of the earth.  But, waiving all these matters, I shall only beseech you,

not by the obligations which you pretend to owe to my family, for which I

thank you, but for that constant and unfeigned love and affection which you

have always found in me, both on this and on the other side of Loire, for

the maintenance and establishment of your places, offices, and dignities,

that for this one time you would pardon and forgive him upon these two

conditions.  First, that he satisfy, or put a sufficient surety for the

satisfaction of the party wronged by the injustice of the sentence in

question.  For the fulfilment of this article I will provide sufficiently.

And, secondly, that for his subsidiary aid in the weighty charge of

administrating justice you would be pleased to appoint and assign unto him

some pretty little virtuous counsellor, younger, learneder, and wiser than

he, by the square and rule of whose advice he may regulate, guide, temper,

and moderate in times coming all his judiciary procedures; or otherwise, if

you intend totally to depose him from his office, and to deprive him

altogether of the state and dignity of a judge, I shall cordially entreat

you to make a present and free gift of him to me, who shall find in my

kingdoms charges and employments enough wherewith to embusy him, for the

bettering of his own fortunes and furtherance of my service.  In the

meantime, I implore the Creator, Saviour, and Sanctifier of all good

things, in his grace, mercy, and kindness, to preserve you all now and

evermore, world without end.

These words thus spoken, Pantagruel, vailing his cap and making a leg with

such a majestic garb as became a person of his paramount degree and

eminency, farewelled Trinquamelle, the president and master-speaker of that

Mirelinguesian parliament, took his leave of the whole court, and went out

of the chamber; at the door whereof finding Panurge, Epistemon, Friar John,

and others, he forthwith, attended by them, walked to the outer gate, where

all of them immediately took horse to return towards Gargantua.  Pantagruel

by the way related to them from point to point the manner of Bridlegoose’s

sententiating differences at law.  Friar John said that he had seen Peter

Dandin, and was acquainted with him at that time when he sojourned in the

monastery of Fontaine le Comte, under the noble Abbot Ardillon.  Gymnast

likewise affirmed that he was in the tent of the grand Christian cavalier

De Crissie, when the Gascon, after his sleep, made answer to the

adventurer.  Panurge was somewhat incredulous in the matter of believing

that it was morally possible Bridlegoose should have been for such a long

space of time so continually fortunate in that aleatory way of deciding law

debates.  Epistemon said to Pantagruel, Such another story, not much unlike

to that in all the circumstances thereof, is vulgarly reported of the

provost of Montlehery.  In good sooth, such a perpetuity of good luck is to

be wondered at.  To have hit right twice or thrice in a judgment so given

by haphazard might have fallen out well enough, especially in controversies

that were ambiguous, intricate, abstruse, perplexed, and obscure.

Chapter 3.XLIV.

How Pantagruel relateth a strange history of the perplexity of human

judgment.

Seeing you talk, quoth Pantagruel, of dark, difficult, hard, and knotty

debates, I will tell you of one controverted before Cneius Dolabella,

proconsul in Asia.  The case was this.

A wife in Smyrna had of her first husband a child named Abece.  He dying,

she, after the expiring of a year and day, married again, and to her second

husband bore a boy called Effege.  A pretty long time thereafter it

happened, as you know the affection of stepfathers and stepdams is very

rare towards the children of the first fathers and mothers deceased, that

this husband, with the help of his son Effege, secretly, wittingly,

willingly, and treacherously murdered Abece.  The woman came no sooner to

get information of the fact, but, that it might not go unpunished, she

caused kill them both, to revenge the death of her first son.  She was

apprehended and carried before Cneius Dolabella, in whose presence she,

without dissembling anything, confessed all that was laid to her charge;

yet alleged that she had both right and reason on her side for the killing

of them.  Thus was the state of the question.  He found the business so

dubious and intricate, that he knew not what to determine therein, nor

which of the parties to incline to.  On the one hand, it was an execrable

crime to cut off at once both her second husband and her son.  On the other

hand, the cause of the murder seemed to be so natural, as to be grounded

upon the law of nations and the rational instinct of all the people of the

world, seeing they two together had feloniously and murderously destroyed

her first son; not that they had been in any manner of way wronged,

outraged, or injured by him, but out of an avaricious intent to possess his

inheritance.  In this doubtful quandary and uncertainty what to pitch upon,

he sent to the Areopagites then sitting at Athens to learn and obtain their

advice and judgment.  That judicious senate, very sagely perpending the

reasons of his perplexity, sent him word to summon her personally to

compear before him a precise hundred years thereafter, to answer to some

interrogatories touching certain points which were not contained in the

verbal defence.  Which resolution of theirs did import that it was in their

opinion a so difficult and inextricable matter that they knew not what to

say or judge therein.  Who had decided that plea by the chance and fortune

of the dice, could not have erred nor awarded amiss on which side soever he

had passed his casting and condemnatory sentence.  If against the woman,

she deserved punishment for usurping sovereign authority by taking that

vengeance at her own hand, the inflicting whereof was only competent to the

supreme power to administer justice in criminal cases.  If for her, the

just resentment of a so atrocious injury done unto her, in murdering her

innocent son, did fully excuse and vindicate her of any trespass or offence

about that particular committed by her.  But this continuation of

Bridlegoose for so many years still hitting the nail on the head, never

missing the mark, and always judging aright, by the mere throwing of the

dice and chance thereof, is that which most astonisheth and amazeth me.

To answer, quoth Pantagruel (Epistemon, says the English edition of 1694,

following the reading of the modern French editions.  Le Duchat has pointed

out the mistake.--M.), categorically to that which you wonder at, I must

ingeniously confess and avow that I cannot; yet, conjecturally to guess at

the reason of it, I would refer the cause of that marvellously

long-continued happy success in the judiciary results of his definitive

sentences to the favourable aspect of the heavens and benignity of the

intelligences; who, out of their love to goodness, after having

contemplated the pure simplicity and sincere unfeignedness of Judge

Bridlegoose in the acknowledgment of his inabilities, did regulate that for

him by chance which by the profoundest act of his maturest deliberation he

was not able to reach unto.  That, likewise, which possibly made him to

diffide in his own skill and capacity, notwithstanding his being an expert

and understanding lawyer, for anything that I know to the contrary, was the

knowledge and experience which he had of the antinomies, contrarieties,

antilogies, contradictions, traversings, and thwartings of laws, customs,

edicts, statutes, orders, and ordinances, in which dangerous opposition,

equity and justice being structured and founded on either of the opposite

terms, and a gap being thereby opened for the ushering in of injustice and

iniquity through the various interpretations of self-ended lawyers, being

assuredly persuaded that the infernal calumniator, who frequently

transformeth himself into the likeness of a messenger or angel of light,

maketh use of these cross glosses and expositions in the mouths and pens of

his ministers and servants, the perverse advocates, bribing judges,

law-monging attorneys, prevaricating counsellors, and other such-like

law-wresting members of a court of justice, to turn by those means black to

white, green to grey, and what is straight to a crooked ply.  For the more

expedient doing whereof, these diabolical ministers make both the pleading

parties believe that their cause is just and righteous; for it is well

known that there is no cause, how bad soever, which doth not find an

advocate to patrocinate and defend it,--else would there be no process in

the world, no suits at law, nor pleadings at the bar.  He did in these

extremities, as I conceive, most humbly recommend the direction of his

judicial proceedings to the upright judge of judges, God Almighty; did

submit himself to the conduct and guideship of the blessed Spirit in the

hazard and perplexity of the definitive sentence, and, by this aleatory

lot, did as it were implore and explore the divine decree of his goodwill

and pleasure, instead of that which we call the final judgment of a court.

To this effect, to the better attaining to his purpose, which was to judge

righteously, he did, in my opinion, throw and turn the dice, to the end

that by the providence aforesaid the best chance might fall to him whose

action was uprightest, and backed with greatest reason.  In doing whereof

he did not stray from the sense of Talmudists, who say that there is so

little harm in that manner of searching the truth, that in the anxiety and

perplexedness of human wits God oftentimes manifesteth the secret pleasure

of his divine will.

Furthermore, I will neither think nor say, nor can I believe, that the

unstraightness is so irregular, or the corruption so evident, of those of

the parliament of Mirelingois in Mirelingues, before whom Bridlegoose was

arraigned for prevarication, that they will maintain it to be a worse

practice to have the decision of a suit at law referred to the chance and

hazard of a throw of the dice, hab nab, or luck as it will, than to have it

remitted to and passed by the determination of those whose hands are full

of blood and hearts of wry affections.  Besides that, their principal

direction in all law matters comes to their hands from one Tribonian, a

wicked, miscreant, barbarous, faithless and perfidious knave, so

pernicious, unjust, avaricious, and perverse in his ways, that it was his

ordinary custom to sell laws, edicts, declarations, constitutions, and

ordinances, as at an outroop or putsale, to him who offered most for them.

Thus did he shape measures for the pleaders, and cut their morsels to them

by and out of these little parcels, fragments, bits, scantlings, and shreds

of the law now in use, altogether concealing, suppressing, disannulling,

and abolishing the remainder, which did make for the total law; fearing

that, if the whole law were made manifest and laid open to the knowledge of

such as are interested in it, and the learned books of the ancient doctors

of the law upon the exposition of the Twelve Tables and Praetorian Edicts,

his villainous pranks, naughtiness, and vile impiety should come to the

public notice of the world.  Therefore were it better, in my conceit, that

is to say, less inconvenient, that parties at variance in any juridical

case should in the dark march upon caltrops than submit the determination

of what is their right to such unhallowed sentences and horrible decrees;

as Cato in his time wished and advised that every judiciary court should be

paved with caltrops.

Chapter 3.XLV.

How Panurge taketh advice of Triboulet.

On the sixth day thereafter Pantagruel was returned home at the very same

hour that Triboulet was by water come from Blois.  Panurge, at his arrival,

gave him a hog’s bladder puffed up with wind, and resounding because of the

hard peas that were within it.  Moreover he did present him with a gilt

wooden sword, a hollow budget made of a tortoise shell, an osier-wattled

wicker-bottle full of Breton wine, and five-and-twenty apples of the

orchard of Blandureau.

If he be such a fool, quoth Carpalin, as to be won with apples, there is no

more wit in his pate than in the head of an ordinary cabbage.  Triboulet

girded the sword and scrip to his side, took the bladder in his hand, ate

some few of the apples, and drunk up all the wine.  Panurge very wistly and

heedfully looking upon him said, I never yet saw a fool, and I have seen

ten thousand francs worth of that kind of cattle, who did not love to drink

heartily, and by good long draughts.  When Triboulet had done with his

drinking, Panurge laid out before him and exposed the sum of the business

wherein he was to require his advice, in eloquent and choicely-sorted

terms, adorned with flourishes of rhetoric.  But, before he had altogether

done, Triboulet with his fist gave him a bouncing whirret between the

shoulders, rendered back into his hand again the empty bottle, fillipped

and flirted him in the nose with the hog’s bladder, and lastly, for a final

resolution, shaking and wagging his head strongly and disorderly, he

answered nothing else but this, By God, God, mad fool, beware the monk,

Buzansay hornpipe!  These words thus finished, he slipped himself out of

the company, went aside, and, rattling the bladder, took a huge delight in

the melody of the rickling crackling noise of the peas.  After which time

it lay not in the power of them all to draw out of his chaps the articulate

sound of one syllable, insomuch that, when Panurge went about to

interrogate him further, Triboulet drew his wooden sword, and would have

stuck him therewith.  I have fished fair now, quoth Panurge, and brought my

pigs to a fine market.  Have I not got a brave determination of all my

doubts, and a response in all things agreeable to the oracle that gave it?

He is a great fool, that is not to be denied, yet is he a greater fool who

brought him hither to me,--That bolt, quoth Carpalin, levels point-blank at

me,--but of the three I am the greatest fool, who did impart the secret of

my thoughts to such an idiot ass and native ninny.

Without putting ourselves to any stir or trouble in the least, quoth

Pantagruel, let us maturely and seriously consider and perpend the gestures

and speech which he hath made and uttered.  In them, veritably, quoth he,

have I remarked and observed some excellent and notable mysteries; yea, of

such important worth and weight, that I shall never henceforth be

astonished, nor think strange, why the Turks with a great deal of worship

and reverence honour and respect natural fools equally with their primest

doctors, muftis, divines, and prophets.  Did not you take heed, quoth he, a

little before he opened his mouth to speak, what a shogging, shaking, and

wagging his head did keep?  By the approved doctrine of the ancient

philosophers, the customary ceremonies of the most expert magicians, and

the received opinions of the learnedest lawyers, such a brangling agitation

and moving should by us all be judged to proceed from, and be quickened and

suscitated by the coming and inspiration of the prophetizing and fatidical

spirit, which, entering briskly and on a sudden into a shallow receptacle

of a debile substance (for, as you know, and as the proverb shows it, a

little head containeth not much brains), was the cause of that commotion.

This is conform to what is avouched by the most skilful physicians, when

they affirm that shakings and tremblings fall upon the members of a human

body, partly because of the heaviness and violent impetuosity of the burden

and load that is carried, and, other part, by reason of the weakness and

imbecility that is in the virtue of the bearing organ.  A manifest example

whereof appeareth in those who, fasting, are not able to carry to their

head a great goblet full of wine without a trembling and a shaking in the

hand that holds it.  This of old was accounted a prefiguration and mystical

pointing out of the Pythian divineress, who used always, before the

uttering of a response from the oracle, to shake a branch of her domestic

laurel.  Lampridius also testifieth that the Emperor Heliogabalus, to

acquire unto himself the reputation of a soothsayer, did, on several holy

days of prime solemnnity, in the presence of the fanatic rabble, make the

head of his idol by some slight within the body thereof publicly to shake.

Plautus, in his Asinaria, declareth likewise, that Saurias, whithersoever

he walked, like one quite distracted of his wits kept such a furious

lolling and mad-like shaking of his head, that he commonly affrighted those

who casually met with him in his way.  The said author in another place,

showing a reason why Charmides shook and brangled his head, assevered that

he was transported and in an ecstasy.  Catullus after the same manner

maketh mention, in his Berecynthia and Atys, of the place wherein the

Menades, Bacchical women, she-priests of the Lyaean god, and demented

prophetesses, carrying ivy boughs in their hands, did shake their heads.

As in the like case, amongst the Galli, the gelded priests of Cybele were

wont to do in the celebrating of their festivals.  Whence, too, according

to the sense of the ancient theologues, she herself has her denomination,

for kubistan signifieth to turn round, whirl about, shake the head, and

play the part of one that is wry-necked.

Semblably Titus Livius writeth that, in the solemnization time of the

Bacchanalian holidays at Rome, both men and women seemed to prophetize and

vaticinate, because of an affected kind of wagging of the head, shrugging

of the shoulders, and jectigation of the whole body, which they used then

most punctually.  For the common voice of the philosophers, together with

the opinion of the people, asserteth for an irrefragable truth that

vaticination is seldom by the heavens bestowed on any without the

concomitancy of a little frenzy and a head-shaking, not only when the said

presaging virtue is infused, but when the person also therewith inspired

declareth and manifesteth it unto others.  The learned lawyer Julian, being

asked on a time if that slave might be truly esteemed to be healthful and

in a good plight who had not only conversed with some furious, maniac, and

enraged people, but in their company had also prophesied, yet without a

noddle-shaking concussion, answered that, seeing there was no head-wagging

at the time of his predictions, he might be held for sound and compotent

enough.  Is it not daily seen how schoolmasters, teachers, tutors, and

instructors of children shake the heads of their disciples, as one would do

a pot in holding it by the lugs, that by this erection, vellication,

stretching, and pulling their ears, which, according to the doctrine of the

sage Egyptians, is a member consecrated to the memory, they may stir them

up to recollect their scattered thoughts, bring home those fancies of

theirs which perhaps have been extravagantly roaming abroad upon strange

and uncouth objects, and totally range their judgments, which possibly by

disordinate affections have been made wild, to the rule and pattern of a

wise, discreet, virtuous, and philosophical discipline.  All which Virgil

acknowledgeth to be true, in the branglement of Apollo Cynthius.

Chapter 3.XLVI.

How Pantagruel and Panurge diversely interpret the words of Triboulet.

He says you are a fool.  And what kind of fool?  A mad fool, who in your

old age would enslave yourself to the bondage of matrimony, and shut your

pleasures up within a wedlock whose key some ruffian carries in his

codpiece.  He says furthermore, Beware of the monk.  Upon mine honour, it

gives me in my mind that you will be cuckolded by a monk.  Nay, I will

engage mine honour, which is the most precious pawn I could have in my

possession although I were sole and peaceable dominator over all Europe,

Asia, and Africa, that, if you marry, you will surely be one of the horned

brotherhood of Vulcan.  Hereby may you perceive how much I do attribute to

the wise foolery of our morosoph Triboulet.  The other oracles and

responses did in the general prognosticate you a cuckold, without

descending so near to the point of a particular determination as to pitch

upon what vocation amongst the several sorts of men he should profess who

is to be the copesmate of your wife and hornifier of your proper self.

Thus noble Triboulet tells it us plainly, from whose words we may gather

with all ease imaginable that your cuckoldry is to be infamous, and so much

the more scandalous that your conjugal bed will be incestuously

contaminated with the filthiness of a monkery lecher.  Moreover, he says

that you will be the hornpipe of Buzansay, that is to say, well-horned,

hornified, and cornuted.  And, as Triboulet’s uncle asked from Louis the

Twelfth, for a younger brother of his own who lived at Blois, the hornpipes

of Buzansay, for the organ pipes, through the mistake of one word for

another, even so, whilst you think to marry a wise, humble, calm, discreet,

and honest wife, you shall unhappily stumble upon one witless, proud, loud,

obstreperous, bawling, clamorous, and more unpleasant than any Buzansay

hornpipe.  Consider withal how he flirted you on the nose with the bladder,

and gave you a sound thumping blow with his fist upon the ridge of the

back.  This denotates and presageth that you shall be banged, beaten, and

fillipped by her, and that also she will steal of your goods from you, as

you stole the hog’s bladder from the little boys of Vaubreton.

Flat contrary, quoth Panurge;--not that I would impudently exempt myself

from being a vassal in the territory of folly.  I hold of that

jurisdiction, and am subject thereto, I confess it.  And why should I not?

For the whole world is foolish.  In the old Lorraine language, fou for tou,

all and fool, were the same thing.  Besides, it is avouched by Solomon that

infinite is the number of fools.  From an infinity nothing can be deducted

or abated, nor yet, by the testimony of Aristotle, can anything thereto be

added or subjoined.  Therefore were I a mad fool if, being a fool, I should

not hold myself a fool.  After the same manner of speaking, we may aver the

number of the mad and enraged folks to be infinite.  Avicenna maketh no

bones to assert that the several kinds of madness are infinite.  Though

this much of Triboulet’s words tend little to my advantage, howbeit the

prejudice which I sustain thereby be common with me to all other men, yet

the rest of his talk and gesture maketh altogether for me.  He said to my

wife, Be wary of the monkey; that is as much as if she should be cheery,

and take as much delight in a monkey as ever did the Lesbia of Catullus in

her sparrow; who will for his recreation pass his time no less joyfully at

the exercise of snatching flies than heretofore did the merciless

fly-catcher Domitian.  Withal he meant, by another part of his discourse,

that she should be of a jovial country-like humour, as gay and pleasing as a

harmonious hornpipe of Saulieau or Buzansay.  The veridical Triboulet did

therein hint at what I liked well, as perfectly knowing the inclinations and

propensions of my mind, my natural disposition, and the bias of my interior

passions and affections.  For you may be assured that my humour is much

better satisfied and contented with the pretty, frolic, rural, dishevelled

shepherdesses, whose bums through their coarse canvas smocks smell of the

clover grass of the field, than with those great ladies in magnific courts,

with their flandan top-knots and sultanas, their polvil, pastillos, and

cosmetics.  The homely sound, likewise, of a rustical hornpipe is more

agreeable to my ears than the curious warbling and musical quavering of

lutes, theorbos, viols, rebecs, and violins.  He gave me a lusty rapping

thwack on my back,--what then?  Let it pass, in the name and for the love of

God, as an abatement of and deduction from so much of my future pains in

purgatory.  He did it not out of any evil intent.  He thought, belike, to

have hit some of the pages.  He is an honest fool, and an innocent

changeling.  It is a sin to harbour in the heart any bad conceit of him.  As

for myself, I heartily pardon him.  He flirted me on the nose.  In that

there is no harm; for it importeth nothing else but that betwixt my wife and

me there will occur some toyish wanton tricks which usually happen to all

new-married folks.

Chapter 3.XLVII.

How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to make a visit to the oracle of the

holy bottle.

There is as yet another point, quoth Panurge, which you have not at all

considered on, although it be the chief and principal head of the matter.

He put the bottle in my hand and restored it me again.  How interpret you

that passage?  What is the meaning of that?  He possibly, quoth Pantagruel,

signifieth thereby that your wife will be such a drunkard as shall daily

take in her liquor kindly, and ply the pots and bottles apace.  Quite

otherwise, quoth Panurge; for the bottle was empty.  I swear to you, by the

prickling brambly thorn of St. Fiacre in Brie, that our unique morosoph,

whom I formerly termed the lunatic Triboulet, referreth me, for attaining

to the final resolution of my scruple, to the response-giving bottle.

Therefore do I renew afresh the first vow which I made, and here in your

presence protest and make oath, by Styx and Acheron, to carry still

spectacles in my cap, and never to wear a codpiece in my breeches, until

upon the enterprise in hand of my nuptial undertaking I shall have obtained

an answer from the holy bottle.  I am acquainted with a prudent,

understanding, and discreet gentleman, and besides a very good friend of

mine, who knoweth the land, country, and place where its temple and oracle

is built and posited.  He will guide and conduct us thither sure and

safely.  Let us go thither, I beseech you.  Deny me not, and say not nay;

reject not the suit I make unto you, I entreat you.  I will be to you an

Achates, a Damis, and heartily accompany you all along in the whole voyage,

both in your going forth and coming back.  I have of a long time known you

to be a great lover of peregrination, desirous still to learn new things,

and still to see what you had never seen before.

Very willingly, quoth Pantagruel, I condescend to your request.  But before

we enter in upon our progress towards the accomplishment of so far a

journey, replenished and fraught with eminent perils, full of innumerable

hazards, and every way stored with evident and manifest dangers,--What

dangers? quoth Panurge, interrupting him.  Dangers fly back, run from, and

shun me whithersoever I go, seven leagues around, as in the presence of the

sovereign a subordinate magistracy is eclipsed; or as clouds and darkness

quite evanish at the bright coming of a radiant sun; or as all sores and

sicknesses did suddenly depart at the approach of the body of St. Martin a

Quande.  Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, before we adventure to set

forwards on the road of our projected and intended voyage, some few points

are to be discussed, expedited, and despatched.  First, let us send back

Triboulet to Blois.  Which was instantly done, after that Pantagruel had

given him a frieze coat.  Secondly, our design must be backed with the

advice and counsel of the king my father.  And, lastly, it is most needful

and expedient for us that we search for and find out some sibyl to serve us

for a guide, truchman, and interpreter.  To this Panurge made answer, that

his friend Xenomanes would abundantly suffice for the plenary discharge and

performance of the sibyl’s office; and that, furthermore, in passing

through the Lanternatory revelling country, they should take along with

them a learned and profitable Lanternesse, which would be no less useful to

them in their voyage than was the sibyl to Aeneas in his descent to the

Elysian fields.  Carpalin, in the interim, as he was upon the conducting

away of Triboulet, in his passing by hearkened a little to the discourse

they were upon; then spoke out, saying, Ho, Panurge, master freeman, take

my Lord Debitis at Calais alongst with you, for he is goud-fallot, a good

fellow.  He will not forget those who have been debitors; these are

Lanternes.  Thus shall you not lack for both fallot and lanterne.  I may

safely with the little skill I have, quoth Pantagruel, prognosticate that

by the way we shall engender no melancholy.  I clearly perceive it already.

The only thing that vexeth me is, that I cannot speak the Lanternatory

language.  I shall, answered Panurge, speak for you all.  I understand it

every whit as well as I do mine own maternal tongue; I have been no less

used to it than to the vulgar French.

  Briszmarg dalgotbrick nubstzne zos.

  Isquebsz prusq:  albok crinqs zacbac.

  Mizbe dilbarskz morp nipp stancz bos,

  Strombtz, Panurge, walmap quost gruszbac.

Now guess, friend Epistemon, what this is.  They are, quoth Epistemon,

names of errant devils, passant devils, and rampant devils.  These words of

thine, dear friend of mine, are true, quoth Panurge; yet are they terms

used in the language of the court of the Lanternish people.  By the way, as

we go upon our journey, I will make to thee a pretty little dictionary,

which, notwithstanding, shall not last you much longer than a pair of new

shoes.  Thou shalt have learned it sooner than thou canst perceive the

dawning of the next subsequent morning.  What I have said in the foregoing

tetrastich is thus translated out of the Lanternish tongue into our vulgar

dialect:

  All miseries attended me, whilst I

  A lover was, and had no good thereby.

  Of better luck the married people tell;

  Panurge is one of those, and knows it well.

There is little more, then, quoth Pantagruel, to be done, but that we

understand what the will of the king my father will be therein, and

purchase his consent.

Chapter 3.XLVIII.

How Gargantua showeth that the children ought not to marry without the

special knowledge and advice of their fathers and mothers.

No sooner had Pantagruel entered in at the door of the great hall of the

castle, than that he encountered full butt with the good honest Gargantua

coming forth from the council board, unto whom he made a succinct and

summary narrative of what had passed and occurred, worthy of his

observation, in his travels abroad, since their last interview; then,

acquainting him with the design he had in hand, besought him that it might

stand with his goodwill and pleasure to grant him leave to prosecute and go

through-stitch with the enterprise which he had undertaken.  The good man

Gargantua, having in one hand two great bundles of petitions endorsed and

answered, and in the other some remembrancing notes and bills, to put him

in mind of such other requests of supplicants, which, albeit presented, had

nevertheless been neither read nor heard, he gave both to Ulric Gallet, his

ancient and faithful Master of Requests; then drew aside Pantagruel, and,

with a countenance more serene and jovial than customary, spoke to him

thus:  I praise God, and have great reason so to do, my most dear son, that

he hath been pleased to entertain in you a constant inclination to virtuous

actions.  I am well content that the voyage which you have motioned to me

be by you accomplished, but withal I could wish you would have a mind and

desire to marry, for that I see you are of competent years.  Panurge in the

meanwhile was in a readiness of preparing and providing for remedies,

salves, and cures against all such lets, obstacles, and impediments as he

could in the height of his fancy conceive might by Gargantua be cast in the

way of their itinerary design.  Is it your pleasure, most dear father, that

you speak? answered Pantagruel.  For my part, I have not yet thought upon

it.  In all this affair I wholly submit and rest in your good liking and

paternal authority.  For I shall rather pray unto God that he would throw

me down stark dead at your feet, in your pleasure, than that against your

pleasure I should be found married alive.  I never yet heard that by any

law, whether sacred or profane, yea, amongst the rudest and most barbarous

nations in the world, it was allowed and approved of that children may be

suffered and tolerated to marry at their own goodwill and pleasure, without

the knowledge, advice, or consent asked and had thereto of their fathers,

mothers, and nearest kindred.  All legislators, everywhere upon the face of

the whole earth, have taken away and removed this licentious liberty from

children, and totally reserved it to the discretion of the parents.

My dearly beloved son, quoth Gargantua, I believe you, and from my heart

thank God for having endowed you with the grace of having both a perfect

notice of and entire liking to laudable and praiseworthy things; and that

through the windows of your exterior senses he hath vouchsafed to transmit

unto the interior faculties of your mind nothing but what is good and

virtuous.  For in my time there hath been found on the continent a certain

country, wherein are I know not what kind of Pastophorian mole-catching

priests, who, albeit averse from engaging their proper persons into a

matrimonial duty, like the pontifical flamens of Cybele in Phrygia, as if

they were capons, and not cocks full of lasciviousness, salacity, and

wantonness, who yet have, nevertheless, in the matter of conjugal affairs,

taken upon them to prescribe laws and ordinances to married folks.  I

cannot goodly determine what I should most abhor, detest, loathe, and

abominate,--whether the tyrannical presumption of those dreaded sacerdotal

mole-catchers, who, not being willing to contain and coop up themselves

within the grates and trellises of their own mysterious temples, do deal

in, meddle with, obtrude upon, and thrust their sickles into harvests of

secular businesses quite contrary and diametrically opposite to the

quality, state, and condition of their callings, professions, and

vocations; or the superstitious stupidity and senseless scrupulousness of

married folks, who have yielded obedience, and submitted their bodies,

fortunes, and estates to the discretion and authority of such odious,

perverse, barbarous, and unreasonable laws.  Nor do they see that which is

clearer than the light and splendour of the morning star,--how all these

nuptial and connubial sanctions, statutes, and ordinances have been

decreed, made, and instituted for the sole benefit, profit, and advantage

of the flaminal mysts and mysterious flamens, and nothing at all for the

good, utility, or emolument of the silly hoodwinked married people.  Which

administereth unto others a sufficient cause for rendering these churchmen

suspicious of iniquity, and of an unjust and fraudulent manner of dealing,

no more to be connived at nor countenanced, after that it be well weighed

in the scales of reason, than if with a reciprocal temerity the laics, by

way of compensation, would impose laws to be followed and observed by those

mysts and flamens, how they should behave themselves in the making and

performance of their rites and ceremonies, and after what manner they ought

to proceed in the offering up and immolating of their various oblations,

victims, and sacrifices; seeing that, besides the decimation and

tithe-haling of their goods, they cut off and take parings, shreddings, and

clippings of the gain proceeding from the labour of their hands and sweat

of their brows, therewith to entertain themselves the better.  Upon which

consideration, in my opinion, their injunctions and commands would not

prove so pernicious and impertinent as those of the ecclesiastic power unto

which they had tendered their blind obedience.  For, as you have very well

said, there is no place in the world where, legally, a licence is granted

to the children to marry without the advice and consent of their parents

and kindred.  Nevertheless, by those wicked laws and mole-catching customs,

whereat there is a little hinted in what I have already spoken to you,

there is no scurvy, measly, leprous, or pocky ruffian, pander, knave,

rogue, skellum, robber, or thief, pilloried, whipped, and burn-marked in

his own country for his crimes and felonies, who may not violently snatch

away and ravish what maid soever he had a mind to pitch upon, how noble,

how fair, how rich, honest, and chaste soever she be, and that out of the

house of her own father, in his own presence, from the bosom of her mother,

and in the sight and despite of her friends and kindred looking on a so

woeful spectacle, provided that the rascal villain be so cunning as to

associate unto himself some mystical flamen, who, according to the covenant

made betwixt them two, shall be in hope some day to participate of the

prey.

Could the Goths, the Scyths, or Massagets do a worse or more cruel act to

any of the inhabitants of a hostile city, when, after the loss of many of

their most considerable commanders, the expense of a great deal of money,

and a long siege, they shall have stormed and taken it by a violent and

impetuous assault?  May not these fathers and mothers, think you, be

sorrowful and heavy-hearted when they see an unknown fellow, a vagabond

stranger, a barbarous lout, a rude cur, rotten, fleshless, putrified,

scraggy, boily, botchy, poor, a forlorn caitiff and miserable sneak, by an

open rapt snatch away before their own eyes their so fair, delicate, neat,

well-behavioured, richly-provided-for and healthful daughters, on whose

breeding and education they had spared no cost nor charges, by bringing

them up in an honest discipline to all the honourable and virtuous

employments becoming one of their sex descended of a noble parentage,

hoping by those commendable and industrious means in an opportune and

convenient time to bestow them on the worthy sons of their well-deserving

neighbours and ancient friends, who had nourished, entertained, taught,

instructed, and schooled their children with the same care and solicitude,

to make them matches fit to attain to the felicity of a so happy marriage,

that from them might issue an offspring and progeny no less heirs to the

laudable endowments and exquisite qualifications of their parents, whom

they every way resemble, than to their personal and real estates, movables,

and inheritances?  How doleful, trist, and plangorous would such a sight

and pageantry prove unto them?  You shall not need to think that the

collachrymation of the Romans and their confederates at the decease of

Germanicus Drusus was comparable to this lamentation of theirs?  Neither

would I have you to believe that the discomfort and anxiety of the

Lacedaemonians, when the Greek Helen, by the perfidiousness of the

adulterous Trojan, Paris, was privily stolen away out of their country, was

greater or more pitiful than this ruthful and deplorable collugency of

theirs?  You may very well imagine that Ceres at the ravishment of her

daughter Proserpina was not more attristed, sad, nor mournful than they.

Trust me, and your own reason, that the loss of Osiris was not so

regrettable to Isis, nor did Venus so deplore the death of Adonis, nor yet

did Hercules so bewail the straying of Hylas, nor was the rapt of Polyxena

more throbbingly resented and condoled by Priamus and Hecuba, than this

aforesaid accident would be sympathetically bemoaned, grievous, ruthful,

and anxious to the woefully desolate and disconsolate parents.

Notwithstanding all this, the greater part of so vilely abused parents are

so timorous and afraid of devils and hobgoblins, and so deeply plunged in

superstition, that they dare not gainsay nor contradict, much less oppose

and resist those unnatural and impious actions, when the mole-catcher hath

been present at the perpetrating of the fact, and a party contractor and

covenanter in that detestable bargain.  What do they do then?  They

wretchedly stay at their own miserable homes, destitute of their

well-beloved daughters, the fathers cursing the days and the hours wherein

they were married, and the mothers howling and crying that it was not their

fortune to have brought forth abortive issues when they happened to be

delivered of such unfortunate girls, and in this pitiful plight spend at

best the remainder of their time with tears and weeping for those their

children, of and from whom they expected, (and, with good reason, should

have obtained and reaped,) in these latter days of theirs, joy and comfort.

Other parents there have been, so impatient of that affront and indignity

put upon them and their families, that, transported with the extremity of

passion, in a mad and frantic mood, through the vehemency of a grievous

fury and raging sorrow, have drowned, hanged, killed, and otherwise put

violent hands on themselves.  Others, again, of that parental relation

have, upon the reception of the like injury, been of a more magnanimous and

heroic spirit, who, in imitation and at the example of the children of

Jacob revenging upon the Sichemites the rapt of their sister Dinah, having

found the rascally ruffian in the association of his mystical mole-catcher

closely and in hugger-mugger conferring, parleying, and coming with their

daughters, for the suborning, corrupting, depraving, perverting, and

enticing these innocent unexperienced maids unto filthy lewdnesses, have,

without any further advisement on the matter, cut them instantly into

pieces, and thereupon forthwith thrown out upon the fields their so

dismembered bodies, to serve for food unto the wolves and ravens.  Upon the

chivalrous, bold, and courageous achievement of a so valiant, stout, and

manlike act, the other mole-catching symmysts have been so highly incensed,

and have so chafed, fretted, and fumed thereat, that, bills of complaint

and accusations having been in a most odious and detestable manner put in

before the competent judges, the arm of secular authority hath with much

importunity and impetuosity been by them implored and required, they

proudly contending that the servants of God would become contemptible if

exemplary punishment were not speedily taken upon the persons of the

perpetrators of such an enormous, horrid, sacrilegious, crying, heinous,

and execrable crime.

Yet neither by natural equity, by the law of nations, nor by any imperial

law whatsoever, hath there been found so much as one rubric, paragraph,

point, or tittle, by the which any kind of chastisement or correction hath

been adjudged due to be inflicted upon any for their delinquency in that

kind.  Reason opposeth, and nature is repugnant.  For there is no virtuous

man in the world who both naturally and with good reason will not be more

hugely troubled in mind, hearing of the news of the rapt, disgrace,

ignominy, and dishonour of his daughter, than of her death.  Now any man,

finding in hot blood one who with a forethought felony hath murdered his

daughter, may, without tying himself to the formalities and circumstances

of a legal proceeding, kill him on a sudden and out of hand without

incurring any hazard of being attainted and apprehended by the officers of

justice for so doing.  What wonder is it then?  Or how little strange

should it appear to any rational man, if a lechering rogue, together with

his mole-catching abettor, be entrapped in the flagrant act of suborning

his daughter, and stealing her out of his house, though herself consent

thereto, that the father in such a case of stain and infamy by them brought

upon his family, should put them both to a shameful death, and cast their

carcasses upon dunghills to be devoured and eaten up by dogs and swine, or

otherwise fling them a little further off to the direption, tearing, and

rending asunder of their joints and members by the wild beasts of the field

(as unworthy to receive the gentle, the desired, the last kind embraces of

the great Alma Mater, the earth, commonly called burial).

Dearly beloved son, have an especial care that after my decease none of

these laws be received in any of your kingdoms; for whilst I breathe, by

the grace and assistance of God, I shall give good order.  Seeing,

therefore, you have totally referred unto my discretion the disposure of

you in marriage, I am fully of an opinion that I shall provide sufficiently

well for you in that point.  Make ready and prepare yourself for Panurge’s

voyage.  Take along with you Epistemon, Friar John, and such others as you

will choose.  Do with my treasures what unto yourself shall seem most

expedient.  None of your actions, I promise you, can in any manner of way

displease me.  Take out of my arsenal Thalasse whatsoever equipage,

furniture, or provision you please, together with such pilots, mariners,

and truchmen as you have a mind to, and with the first fair and favourable

wind set sail and make out to sea in the name of God our Saviour.  In the

meanwhile, during your absence, I shall not be neglective of providing a

wife for you, nor of those preparations which are requisite to be made for

the more sumptuous solemnizing of your nuptials with a most splendid feast,

if ever there was any in the world, since the days of Ahasuerus.

Chapter 3.XLIX.

How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to sea; and of the herb

named Pantagruelion.

Within very few days after that Pantagruel had taken his leave of the good

Gargantua, who devoutly prayed for his son’s happy voyage, he arrived at

the seaport, near to Sammalo, accompanied with Panurge, Epistemon, Friar

John of the Funnels, Abbot of Theleme, and others of the royal house,

especially with Xenomanes the great traveller and thwarter of dangerous

ways, who was come at the bidding and appointment of Panurge, of whose

castlewick of Salmigondin he did hold some petty inheritance by the tenure

of a mesne fee.  Pantagruel, being come thither, prepared and made ready

for launching a fleet of ships, to the number of those which Ajax of

Salamine had of old equipped in convoy of the Grecian soldiery against the

Trojan state.  He likewise picked out for his use so many mariners, pilots,

sailors, interpreters, artificers, officers, and soldiers, as he thought

fitting, and therewithal made provision of so much victuals of all sorts,

artillery, munition of divers kinds, clothes, moneys, and other such

luggage, stuff, baggage, chaffer, and furniture, as he deemed needful for

carrying on the design of a so tedious, long, and perilous voyage.  Amongst

other things, it was observed how he caused some of his vessels to be

fraught and loaded with a great quantity of an herb of his called

Pantagruelion, not only of the green and raw sort of it, but of the

confected also, and of that which was notably well befitted for present use

after the fashion of conserves.  The herb Pantagruelion hath a little root

somewhat hard and rough, roundish, terminating in an obtuse and very blunt

point, and having some of its veins, strings, or filaments coloured with

some spots of white, never fixeth itself into the ground above the

profoundness almost of a cubit, or foot and a half.  From the root thereof

proceedeth the only stalk, orbicular, cane-like, green without, whitish

within, and hollow like the stem of smyrnium, olus atrum, beans, and

gentian, full of long threads, straight, easy to be broken, jagged,

snipped, nicked, and notched a little after the manner of pillars and

columns, slightly furrowed, chamfered, guttered, and channelled, and full

of fibres, or hairs like strings, in which consisteth the chief value and

dignity of the herb, especially in that part thereof which is termed mesa,

as he would say the mean, and in that other, which hath got the

denomination of milasea.  Its height is commonly of five or six foot.  Yet

sometimes it is of such a tall growth as doth surpass the length of a

lance, but that is only when it meeteth with a sweet, easy, warm, wet, and

well-soaked soil--as is the ground of the territory of Olone, and that of

Rasea, near to Preneste in Sabinia--and that it want not for rain enough

about the season of the fishers’ holidays and the estival solstice.  There

are many trees whose height is by it very far exceeded, and you might call

it dendromalache by the authority of Theophrastus.  The plant every year

perisheth,--the tree neither in the trunk, root, bark, or boughs being

durable.

From the stalk of this Pantagruelian plant there issue forth several large

and great branches, whose leaves have thrice as much length as breadth,

always green, roughish, and rugged like the orcanet, or Spanish bugloss,

hardish, slit round about like unto a sickle, or as the saxifragum, betony,

and finally ending as it were in the points of a Macedonian spear, or of

such a lancet as surgeons commonly make use of in their phlebotomizing

tiltings.  The figure and shape of the leaves thereof is not much different

from that of those of the ash-tree, or of agrimony; the herb itself being

so like the Eupatorian plant that many skilful herbalists have called it

the Domestic Eupator, and the Eupator the Wild Pantagruelion.  These leaves

are in equal and parallel distances spread around the stalk by the number

in every rank either of five or seven, nature having so highly favoured and

cherished this plant that she hath richly adorned it with these two odd,

divine, and mysterious numbers.  The smell thereof is somewhat strong, and

not very pleasing to nice, tender, and delicate noses.  The seed enclosed

therein mounteth up to the very top of its stalk, and a little above it.

This is a numerous herb; for there is no less abundance of it than of any

other whatsoever.  Some of these plants are spherical, some rhomboid, and

some of an oblong shape, and all of those either black, bright-coloured, or

tawny, rude to the touch, and mantled with a quickly-blasted-away coat, yet

such a one as is of a delicious taste and savour to all shrill and

sweetly-singing birds, such as linnets, goldfinches, larks, canary birds,

yellow-hammers, and others of that airy chirping choir; but it would quite

extinguish the natural heat and procreative virtue of the semence of any

man who would eat much and often of it.  And although that of old amongst

the Greeks there was certain kinds of fritters and pancakes, buns and

tarts, made thereof, which commonly for a liquorish daintiness were

presented on the table after supper to delight the palate and make the wine

relish the better; yet is it of a difficult concoction, and offensive to

the stomach.  For it engendereth bad and unwholesome blood, and with its

exorbitant heat woundeth them with grievous, hurtful, smart, and noisome

vapours.  And, as in divers plants and trees there are two sexes, male and

female, which is perceptible in laurels, palms, cypresses, oaks, holms, the

daffodil, mandrake, fern, the agaric, mushroom, birthwort, turpentine,

pennyroyal, peony, rose of the mount, and many other such like, even so in

this herb there is a male which beareth no flower at all, yet it is very

copious of and abundant in seed.  There is likewise in it a female, which

hath great store and plenty of whitish flowers, serviceable to little or no

purpose, nor doth it carry in it seed of any worth at all, at least

comparable to that of the male.  It hath also a larger leaf, and much

softer than that of the male, nor doth it altogether grow to so great a

height.  This Pantagruelion is to be sown at the first coming of the

swallows, and is to be plucked out of the ground when the grasshoppers

begin to be a little hoarse.

Chapter 3.L.

How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought.

The herb Pantagruelion, in September, under the autumnal equinox, is

dressed and prepared several ways, according to the various fancies of the

people and diversity of the climates wherein it groweth.  The first

instruction which Pantagruel gave concerning it was to divest and despoil

the stalk and stem thereof of all its flowers and seeds, to macerate and

mortify it in pond, pool, or lake water, which is to be made run a little

for five days together (Properly--‘lake water, which is to be made

stagnant, not current, for five days together.’--M.) if the season be dry

and the water hot, or for full nine or twelve days if the weather be

cloudish and the water cold.  Then must it be parched before the sun till

it be drained of its moisture.  After this it is in the shadow, where the

sun shines not, to be peeled and its rind pulled off.  Then are the fibres

and strings thereof to be parted, wherein, as we have already said,

consisteth its prime virtue, price, and efficacy, and severed from the

woody part thereof, which is unprofitable, and serveth hardly to any other

use than to make a clear and glistering blaze, to kindle the fire, and for

the play, pastime, and disport of little children, to blow up hogs’

bladders and make them rattle.  Many times some use is made thereof by

tippling sweet-lipped bibbers, who out of it frame quills and pipes,

through which they with their liquor-attractive breath suck up the new

dainty wine from the bung of the barrel.  Some modern Pantagruelists, to

shun and avoid that manual labour which such a separating and partitional

work would of necessity require, employ certain cataractic instruments,

composed and formed after the same manner that the froward, pettish, and

angry Juno did hold the fingers of both her hands interwovenly clenched

together when she would have hindered the childbirth delivery of Alcmena at

the nativity of Hercules; and athwart those cataracts they break and bruise

to very trash the woody parcels, thereby to preserve the better the fibres,

which are the precious and excellent parts.  In and with this sole

operation do these acquiesce and are contented, who, contrary to the

received opinion of the whole earth, and in a manner paradoxical to all

philosophers, gain their livelihoods backwards, and by recoiling.  But

those that love to hold it at a higher rate, and prize it according to its

value, for their own greater profit do the very same which is told us of

the recreation of the three fatal sister Parcae, or of the nocturnal

exercise of the noble Circe, or yet of the excuse which Penelope made to

her fond wooing youngsters and effeminate courtiers during the long absence

of her husband Ulysses.

By these means is this herb put into a way to display its inestimable

virtues, whereof I will discover a part; for to relate all is a thing

impossible to do.  I have already interpreted and exposed before you the

denomination thereof.  I find that plants have their names given and

bestowed upon them after several ways.  Some got the name of him who first

found them out, knew them, sowed them, improved them by culture, qualified

them to tractability, and appropriated them to the uses and subserviences

they were fit for, as the Mercuriale from Mercury; Panacea from Panace, the

daughter of Aesculapius; Armois from Artemis, who is Diana; Eupatoria from

the king Eupator; Telephion from Telephus; Euphorbium from Euphorbus, King

Juba’s physician; Clymenos from Clymenus; Alcibiadium from Alcibiades;

Gentiane from Gentius, King of Sclavonia, and so forth, through a great

many other herbs or plants.  Truly, in ancient times this prerogative of

imposing the inventor’s name upon an herb found out by him was held in a so

great account and estimation, that, as a controversy arose betwixt Neptune

and Pallas from which of them two that land should receive its denomination

which had been equally found out by them both together--though thereafter

it was called and had the appellation of Athens, from Athene, which is

Minerva--just so would Lynceus, King of Scythia, have treacherously slain

the young Triptolemus, whom Ceres had sent to show unto mankind the

invention of corn, which until then had been utterly unknown, to the end

that, after the murder of the messenger, whose death he made account to

have kept secret, he might, by imposing, with the less suspicion of false

dealing, his own name upon the said found out seed, acquire unto himself an

immortal honour and glory for having been the inventor of a grain so

profitable and necessary to and for the use of human life.  For the

wickedness of which treasonable attempt he was by Ceres transformed into

that wild beast which by some is called a lynx and by others an ounce.

Such also was the ambition of others upon the like occasion, as appeareth

by that very sharp wars and of a long continuance have been made of old

betwixt some residentiary kings in Cappadocia upon this only debate, of

whose name a certain herb should have the appellation; by reason of which

difference, so troublesome and expensive to them all, it was by them called

Polemonion, and by us for the same cause termed Make-bate.

Other herbs and plants there are which retain the names of the countries

from whence they were transported, as the Median apples from Media, where

they first grew; Punic apples from Punicia, that is to say, Carthage;

Ligusticum, which we call lovage, from Liguria, the coast of Genoa; Rhubarb

from a flood in Barbary, as Ammianus attesteth, called Ru; Santonica from a

region of that name; Fenugreek from Greece; Gastanes from a country so

called; Persicaria from Persia; Sabine from a territory of that

appellation; Staechas from the Staechad Islands; Spica Celtica from the

land of the Celtic Gauls, and so throughout a great many other, which were

tedious to enumerate.  Some others, again, have obtained their

denominations by way of antiphrasis, or contrariety; as Absinth, because it

is contrary to Psinthos, for it is bitter to the taste in drinking;

Holosteon, as if it were all bones, whilst, on the contrary, there is no

frailer, tenderer, nor brittler herb in the whole production of nature than

it.

There are some other sorts of herbs which have got their names from their

virtues and operations, as Aristolochia, because it helpeth women in

childbirth; Lichen, for that it cureth the disease of that name; Mallow,

because it mollifieth; Callithricum, because it maketh the hair of a bright

colour; Alyssum, Ephemerum, Bechium, Nasturtium, Aneban (Henbane), and so

forth through many more.

Other some there are which have obtained their names from the admirable

qualities that are found to be in them, as Heliotropium, which is the

marigold, because it followeth the sun, so that at the sun rising it

displayeth and spreads itself out, at his ascending it mounteth, at his

declining it waneth, and when he is set it is close shut; Adianton,

because, although it grow near unto watery places, and albeit you should

let it lie in water a long time, it will nevertheless retain no moisture

nor humidity; Hierachia, Eringium, and so throughout a great many more.

There are also a great many herbs and plants which have retained the very

same names of the men and women who have been metamorphosed and transformed

in them, as from Daphne the laurel is called also Daphne; Myrrh from

Myrrha, the daughter of Cinarus; Pythis from Pythis; Cinara, which is the

artichoke, from one of that name; Narcissus, with Saffron, Smilax, and

divers others.

Many herbs likewise have got their names of those things which they seem to

have some resemblance to; as Hippuris, because it hath the likeness of a

horse’s tail; Alopecuris, because it representeth in similitude the tail of

a fox; Psyllion, from a flea which it resembleth; Delphinium, for that it

is like a dolphin fish; Bugloss is so called because it is an herb like an

ox’s tongue; Iris, so called because in its flowers it hath some

resemblance of the rainbow; Myosota, because it is like the ear of a mouse;

Coronopus, for that it is of the likeness of a crow’s foot.  A great many

other such there are, which here to recite were needless.  Furthermore, as

there are herbs and plants which have had their names from those of men, so

by a reciprocal denomination have the surnames of many families taken their

origin from them, as the Fabii, a fabis, beans; the Pisons, a pisis, peas;

the Lentuli from lentils; the Cicerons; a ciceribus, vel ciceris, a sort of

pulse called chickpease, and so forth.  In some plants and herbs the

resemblance or likeness hath been taken from a higher mark or object, as

when we say Venus’ navel, Venus’ hair, Venus’ tub, Jupiter’s beard,

Jupiter’s eye, Mars’ blood, the Hermodactyl or Mercury’s fingers, which are

all of them names of herbs, as there are a great many more of the like

appellation.  Others, again, have received their denomination from their

forms, such as the Trefoil, because it is three-leaved; Pentaphylon, for

having five leaves; Serpolet, because it creepeth along the ground;

Helxine, Petast, Myrobalon, which the Arabians called Been, as if you would

say an acorn, for it hath a kind of resemblance thereto, and withal is very

oily.

Chapter 3.LI.

Why it is called Pantagruelion, and of the admirable virtues thereof.

By such-like means of attaining to a denomination--the fabulous ways being

only from thence excepted, for the Lord forbid that we should make use of

any fables in this a so veritable history--is this herb called

Pantagruelion, for Pantagruel was the inventor thereof.  I do not say of

the plant itself, but of a certain use which it serves for, exceeding

odious and hateful to thieves and robbers, unto whom it is more contrarious

and hurtful than the strangle-weed and chokefitch is to the flax, the

cats-tail to the brakes, the sheave-grass to the mowers of hay, the fitches

to the chickney-pease, the darnel to barley, the hatchet-fitch to the lentil

pulse, the antramium to the beans, tares to wheat, ivy to walls, the

water-lily to lecherous monks, the birchen rod to the scholars of the

college of Navarre in Paris, colewort to the vine-tree, garlic to the

loadstone, onions to the sight, fern-seed to women with child, willow-grain

to vicious nuns, the yew-tree shade to those that sleep under it, wolfsbane

to wolves and libbards, the smell of fig-tree to mad bulls, hemlock to

goslings, purslane to the teeth, or oil to trees.  For we have seen many of

those rogues, by virtue and right application of this herb, finish their

lives short and long, after the manner of Phyllis, Queen of Thracia, of

Bonosus, Emperor of Rome, of Amata, King Latinus’s wife, of Iphis,

Autolycus, Lycambe, Arachne, Phaedra, Leda, Achius, King of Lydia, and many

thousands more, who were chiefly angry and vexed at this disaster therein,

that, without being otherwise sick or evil-disposed in their bodies, by a

touch only of the Pantagruelion they came on a sudden to have the passage

obstructed, and their pipes, through which were wont to bolt so many jolly

sayings and to enter so many luscious morsels, stopped, more cleverly than

ever could have done the squinancy.

Others have been heard most woefully to lament, at the very instant when

Atropos was about to cut the thread of their life, that Pantagruel held

them by the gorge.  But, well-a-day, it was not Pantagruel; he never was an

executioner.  It was the Pantagruelion, manufactured and fashioned into an

halter; and serving in the place and office of a cravat.  In that, verily,

they solecized and spoke improperly, unless you would excuse them by a

trope, which alloweth us to posit the inventor in the place of the thing

invented, as when Ceres is taken for bread, and Bacchus put instead of

wine.  I swear to you here, by the good and frolic words which are to issue

out of that wine-bottle which is a-cooling below in the copper vessel full

of fountain water, that the noble Pantagruel never snatched any man by the

throat, unless it was such a one as was altogether careless and neglective

of those obviating remedies which were preventive of the thirst to come.

It is also termed Pantagruelion by a similitude.  For Pantagruel, at the

very first minute of his birth, was no less tall than this herb is long

whereof I speak unto you, his measure having been then taken the more easy

that he was born in the season of the great drought, when they were busiest

in the gathering of the said herb, to wit, at that time when Icarus’s dog,

with his fiery bawling and barking at the sun, maketh the whole world

Troglodytic, and enforceth people everywhere to hide themselves in dens and

subterranean caves.  It is likewise called Pantagruelion because of the

notable and singular qualities, virtues, and properties thereof.  For as

Pantagruel hath been the idea, pattern, prototype, and exemplary of all

jovial perfection and accomplishment--in the truth whereof I believe there

is none of you gentlemen drinkers that putteth any question--so in this

Pantagruelion have I found so much efficacy and energy, so much

completeness and excellency, so much exquisiteness and rarity, and so many

admirable effects and operations of a transcendent nature, that if the

worth and virtue thereof had been known when those trees, by the relation

of the prophet, made election of a wooden king to rule and govern over

them, it without all doubt would have carried away from all the rest the

plurality of votes and suffrages.

Shall I yet say more?  If Oxylus, the son of Orius, had begotten this plant

upon his sister Hamadryas, he had taken more delight in the value and

perfection of it alone than in all his eight children, so highly renowned

by our ablest mythologians that they have sedulously recommended their

names to the never-failing tuition of an eternal remembrance.  The eldest

child was a daughter, whose name was Vine; the next born was a boy, and his

name was Fig-tree; the third was called Walnut-tree; the fourth Oak; the

fifth Sorbapple-tree; the sixth Ash; the seventh Poplar, and the last had

the name of Elm, who was the greatest surgeon in his time.  I shall forbear

to tell you how the juice or sap thereof, being poured and distilled within

the ears, killeth every kind of vermin that by any manner of putrefaction

cometh to be bred and engendered there, and destroyeth also any whatsoever

other animal that shall have entered in thereat.  If, likewise, you put a

little of the said juice within a pail or bucket full of water, you shall

see the water instantly turn and grow thick therewith as if it were

milk-curds, whereof the virtue is so great that the water thus curded is a

present remedy for horses subject to the colic, and such as strike at their

own flanks.  The root thereof well boiled mollifieth the joints, softeneth

the hardness of shrunk-in sinews, is every way comfortable to the nerves,

and good against all cramps and convulsions, as likewise all cold and

knotty gouts.  If you would speedily heal a burning, whether occasioned by

water or fire, apply thereto a little raw Pantagruelion, that is to say,

take it so as it cometh out of the ground, without bestowing any other

preparation or composition upon it; but have a special care to change it

for some fresher in lieu thereof as soon as you shall find it waxing dry

upon the sore.

Without this herb kitchens would be detested, the tables of dining-rooms

abhorred, although there were great plenty and variety of most dainty and

sumptuous dishes of meat set down upon them, and the choicest beds also,

how richly soever adorned with gold, silver, amber, ivory, porphyry, and

the mixture of most precious metals, would without it yield no delight or

pleasure to the reposers in them.  Without it millers could neither carry

wheat, nor any other kind of corn to the mill, nor would they be able to

bring back from thence flour, or any other sort of meal whatsoever.

Without it, how could the papers and writs of lawyers’ clients be brought

to the bar?  Seldom is the mortar, lime, or plaster brought to the

workhouse without it.  Without it, how should the water be got out of a

draw-well?  In what case would tabellions, notaries, copists, makers of

counterpanes, writers, clerks, secretaries, scriveners, and such-like

persons be without it?  Were it not for it, what would become of the

toll-rates and rent-rolls?  Would not the noble art of printing perish

without it?  Whereof could the chassis or paper-windows be made?  How should

the bells be rung?  The altars of Isis are adorned therewith, the

Pastophorian priests are therewith clad and accoutred, and whole human

nature covered and wrapped therein at its first position and production in

and into this world.  All the lanific trees of Seres, the bumbast and cotton

bushes in the territories near the Persian Sea and Gulf of Bengala, the

Arabian swans, together with the plants of Malta, do not all the them

clothe, attire, and apparel so many persons as this one herb alone.

Soldiers are nowadays much better sheltered under it than they were in

former times, when they lay in tents covered with skins.  It overshadows the

theatres and amphitheatres from the heat of a scorching sun.  It begirdeth

and encompasseth forests, chases, parks, copses, and groves, for the

pleasure of hunters.  It descendeth into the salt and fresh of both sea and

river-waters for the profit of fishers.  By it are boots of all sizes,

buskins, gamashes, brodkins, gambadoes, shoes, pumps, slippers, and every

cobbled ware wrought and made steadable for the use of man.  By it the butt

and rover-bows are strung, the crossbows bended, and the slings made fixed.

And, as if it were an herb every whit as holy as the vervain, and reverenced

by ghosts, spirits, hobgoblins, fiends, and phantoms, the bodies of deceased

men are never buried without it.

I will proceed yet further.  By the means of this fine herb the invisible

substances are visibly stopped, arrested, taken, detained, and

prisoner-like committed to their receptive gaols.  Heavy and ponderous

weights are by it heaved, lifted up, turned, veered, drawn, carried, and

every way moved quickly, nimbly, and easily, to the great profit and

emolument of humankind.  When I perpend with myself these and such-like

marvellous effects of this wonderful herb, it seemeth strange unto me how

the invention of so useful a practice did escape through so many by-past

ages the knowledge of the ancient philosophers, considering the inestimable

utility which from thence proceeded, and the immense labour which without it

they did undergo in their pristine elucubrations.  By virtue thereof,

through the retention of some aerial gusts, are the huge rambarges, mighty

galleons, the large floats, the Chiliander, the Myriander ships launched

from their stations and set a-going at the pleasure and arbitrament of their

rulers, conders, and steersmen.  By the help thereof those remote nations

whom nature seemed so unwilling to have discovered to us, and so desirous to

have kept them still in abscondito and hidden from us, that the ways through

which their countries were to be reached unto were not only totally unknown,

but judged also to be altogether impermeable and inaccessible, are now

arrived to us, and we to them.

Those voyages outreached flights of birds and far surpassed the scope of

feathered fowls, how swift soever they had been on the wing, and

notwithstanding that advantage which they have of us in swimming through

the air.  Taproban hath seen the heaths of Lapland, and both the Javas and

Riphaean mountains; wide distant Phebol shall see Theleme, and the

Islanders drink of the flood Euphrates.  By it the chill-mouthed Boreas

hath surveyed the parched mansions of the torrid Auster, and Eurus visited

the regions which Zephyrus hath under his command; yea, in such sort have

interviews been made by the assistance of this sacred herb, that, maugre

longitudes and latitudes, and all the variations of the zones, the

Periaecian people, and Antoecian, Amphiscian, Heteroscian, and Periscian

had oft rendered and received mutual visits to and from other, upon all the

climates.  These strange exploits bred such astonishment to the celestial

intelligences, to all the marine and terrestrial gods, that they were on a

sudden all afraid.  From which amazement, when they saw how, by means of

this blest Pantagruelion, the Arctic people looked upon the Antarctic,

scoured the Atlantic Ocean, passed the tropics, pushed through the torrid

zone, measured all the zodiac, sported under the equinoctial, having both

poles level with their horizon, they judged it high time to call a council

for their own safety and preservation.

The Olympic gods, being all and each of them affrighted at the sight of

such achievements, said:  Pantagruel hath shapen work enough for us, and

put us more to a plunge and nearer our wits’ end by this sole herb of his

than did of old the Aloidae by overturning mountains.  He very speedily is

to be married, and shall have many children by his wife.  It lies not in

our power to oppose this destiny; for it hath passed through the hands and

spindles of the Fatal Sisters, necessity’s inexorable daughters.  Who knows

but by his sons may be found out an herb of such another virtue and

prodigious energy, as that by the aid thereof, in using it aright according

to their father’s skill, they may contrive a way for humankind to pierce

into the high aerian clouds, get up unto the springhead of the hail, take

an inspection of the snowy sources, and shut and open as they please the

sluices from whence proceed the floodgates of the rain; then, prosecuting

their aethereal voyage, they may step in unto the lightning workhouse and

shop, where all the thunderbolts are forged, where, seizing on the magazine

of heaven and storehouse of our warlike fire-munition, they may discharge a

bouncing peal or two of thundering ordnance for joy of their arrival to

these new supernal places, and, charging those tonitrual guns afresh, turn

the whole force of that artillery against ourselves wherein we most

confided.  Then is it like they will set forward to invade the territories

of the Moon, whence, passing through both Mercury and Venus, the Sun will

serve them for a torch, to show the way from Mars to Jupiter and Saturn.

We shall not then be able to resist the impetuosity of their intrusion, nor

put a stoppage to their entering in at all, whatever regions, domiciles, or

mansions of the spangled firmament they shall have any mind to see, to stay

in, to travel through for their recreation.  All the celestial signs

together, with the constellations of the fixed stars, will jointly be at

their devotion then.  Some will take up their lodging at the Ram, some at

the Bull, and others at the Twins; some at the Crab, some at the Lion Inn,

and others at the sign of the Virgin; some at the Balance, others at the

Scorpion, and others will be quartered at the Archer; some will be

harboured at the Goat, some at the Water-pourer’s sign, some at the Fishes;

some will lie at the Crown, some at the Harp, some at the Golden Eagle and

the Dolphin; some at the Flying Horse, some at the Ship, some at the great,

some at the little Bear; and so throughout the glistening hostelries of the

whole twinkling asteristic welkin.  There will be sojourners come from the

earth, who, longing after the taste of the sweet cream, of their own

skimming off, from the best milk of all the dairy of the Galaxy, will set

themselves at table down with us, drink of our nectar and ambrosia, and

take to their own beds at night for wives and concubines our fairest

goddesses, the only means whereby they can be deified.  A junto hereupon

being convocated, the better to consult upon the manner of obviating a so

dreadful danger, Jove, sitting in his presidential throne, asked the votes

of all the other gods, which, after a profound deliberation amongst

themselves on all contingencies, they freely gave at last, and then

resolved unanimously to withstand the shocks of all whatsoever sublunary

assaults.

Chapter 3.LII.

How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature that the fire is not

able to consume it.

I have already related to you great and admirable things; but, if you might

be induced to adventure upon the hazard of believing some other divinity of

this sacred Pantagruelion, I very willingly would tell it you.  Believe it,

if you will, or otherwise, believe it not, I care not which of them you do,

they are both alike to me.  It shall be sufficient for my purpose to have

told you the truth, and the truth I will tell you.  But to enter in

thereat, because it is of a knaggy, difficult, and rugged access, this is

the question which I ask of you.  If I had put within this bottle two

pints, the one of wine and the other of water, thoroughly and exactly

mingled together, how would you unmix them?  After what manner would you go

about to sever them, and separate the one liquor from the other, in such

sort that you render me the water apart, free from the wine, and the wine

also pure, without the intermixture of one drop of water, and both of them

in the same measure, quantity, and taste that I had embottled them?  Or, to

state the question otherwise.  If your carmen and mariners, entrusted for

the provision of your houses with the bringing of a certain considerable

number of tuns, puncheons, pipes, barrels, and hogsheads of Graves wine, or

of the wine of Orleans, Beaune, and Mireveaux, should drink out the half,

and afterwards with water fill up the other empty halves of the vessels as

full as before, as the Limosins use to do in their carriages by wains and

carts of the wines of Argenton and Sangaultier; after that, how would you

part the water from the wine, and purify them both in such a case?  I

understand you well enough.  Your meaning is, that I must do it with an ivy

funnel.  That is written, it is true, and the verity thereof explored by a

thousand experiments; you have learned to do this feat before, I see it.

But those that have never known it, nor at any time have seen the like,

would hardly believe that it were possible.  Let us nevertheless proceed.

But put the case, we were now living in the age of Sylla, Marius, Caesar,

and other such Roman emperors, or that we were in the time of our ancient

Druids, whose custom was to burn and calcine the dead bodies of their

parents and lords, and that you had a mind to drink the ashes or cinders of

your wives or fathers in the infused liquor of some good white-wine, as

Artemisia drunk the dust and ashes of her husband Mausolus; or otherwise,

that you did determine to have them reserved in some fine urn or reliquary

pot; how would you save the ashes apart, and separate them from those other

cinders and ashes into which the fuel of the funeral and bustuary fire hath

been converted?  Answer, if you can.  By my figgins, I believe it will

trouble you so to do.

Well, I will despatch, and tell you that, if you take of this celestial

Pantagruelion so much as is needful to cover the body of the defunct, and

after that you shall have enwrapped and bound therein as hard and closely

as you can the corpse of the said deceased persons, and sewed up the

folding-sheet with thread of the same stuff, throw it into the fire, how

great or ardent soever it be it matters not a straw, the fire through this

Pantagruelion will burn the body and reduce to ashes the bones thereof, and

the Pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed nor burnt, but also shall

neither lose one atom of the ashes enclosed within it, nor receive one atom

of the huge bustuary heap of ashes resulting from the blazing conflagration

of things combustible laid round about it, but shall at last, when taken

out of the fire, be fairer, whiter, and much cleaner than when you did put

it in at first.  Therefore it is called Asbeston, which is as much to say

as incombustible.  Great plenty is to be found thereof in Carpasia, as

likewise in the climate Dia Sienes, at very easy rates.  O how rare and

admirable a thing it is, that the fire which devoureth, consumeth, and

destroyeth all such things else, should cleanse, purge, and whiten this

sole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbeston!  If you mistrust the verity of this

relation, and demand for further confirmation of my assertion a visible

sign, as the Jews and such incredulous infidels use to do, take a fresh

egg, and orbicularly, or rather ovally, enfold it within this divine

Pantagruelion.  When it is so wrapped up, put it in the hot embers of a

fire, how great or ardent soever it be, and having left it there as long as

you will, you shall at last, at your taking it out of the fire, find the

egg roasted hard, and as it were burnt, without any alteration, change,

mutation, or so much as a calefaction of the sacred Pantagruelion.  For

less than a million of pounds sterling, modified, taken down, and

amoderated to the twelfth part of one fourpence halfpenny farthing, you are

able to put it to a trial and make proof thereof.

Do not think to overmatch me here, by paragoning with it in the way of a

more eminent comparison the Salamander.  That is a fib; for, albeit a

little ordinary fire, such as is used in dining-rooms and chambers,

gladden, cheer up, exhilarate, and quicken it, yet may I warrantably enough

assure that in the flaming fire of a furnace it will, like any other

animated creature, be quickly suffocated, choked, consumed, and destroyed.

We have seen the experiment thereof, and Galen many ages ago hath clearly

demonstrated and confirmed it, Lib. 3, De temperamentis, and Dioscorides

maintaineth the same doctrine, Lib. 2.  Do not here instance in competition

with this sacred herb the feather alum or the wooden tower of Pyraeus,

which Lucius Sylla was never able to get burnt; for that Archelaus,

governor of the town for Mithridates, King of Pontus, had plastered it all

over on the outside with the said alum.  Nor would I have you to compare

therewith the herb which Alexander Cornelius called Eonem, and said that it

had some resemblance with that oak which bears the mistletoe, and that it

could neither be consumed nor receive any manner of prejudice by fire nor

by water, no more than the mistletoe, of which was built, said he, the so

renowned ship Argos.  Search where you please for those that will believe

it.  I in that point desire to be excused.  Neither would I wish you to

parallel therewith--although I cannot deny but that it is of a very

marvellous nature--that sort of tree which groweth alongst the mountains of

Brianson and Ambrun, which produceth out of his root the good agaric.  From

its body it yieldeth unto us a so excellent rosin, that Galen hath been

bold to equal it to the turpentine.  Upon the delicate leaves thereof it

retaineth for our use that sweet heavenly honey which is called the manna,

and, although it be of a gummy, oily, fat, and greasy substance, it is,

notwithstanding, unconsumable by any fire.  It is in Greek and Latin called

Larix.  The Alpinese name is Melze.  The Antenorides and Venetians term it

Larege; which gave occasion to that castle in Piedmont to receive the

denomination of Larignum, by putting Julius Caesar to a stand at his return

from amongst the Gauls.

Julius Caesar commanded all the yeomen, boors, hinds, and other inhabitants

in, near unto, and about the Alps and Piedmont, to bring all manner of

victuals and provision for an army to those places which on the military

road he had appointed to receive them for the use of his marching soldiery.

To which ordinance all of them were obedient, save only those as were

within the garrison of Larignum, who, trusting in the natural strength of

the place, would not pay their contribution.  The emperor, purposing to

chastise them for their refusal, caused his whole army to march straight

towards that castle, before the gate whereof was erected a tower built of

huge big spars and rafters of the larch-tree, fast bound together with pins

and pegs of the same wood, and interchangeably laid on one another, after

the fashion of a pile or stack of timber, set up in the fabric thereof to

such an apt and convenient height that from the parapet above the

portcullis they thought with stones and levers to beat off and drive away

such as should approach thereto.

When Caesar had understood that the chief defence of those within the

castle did consist in stones and clubs, and that it was not an easy matter

to sling, hurl, dart, throw, or cast them so far as to hinder the

approaches, he forthwith commanded his men to throw great store of bavins,

faggots, and fascines round about the castle, and when they had made the

heap of a competent height, to put them all in a fair fire; which was

thereupon incontinently done.  The fire put amidst the faggots was so great

and so high that it covered the whole castle, that they might well imagine

the tower would thereby be altogether burnt to dust, and demolished.

Nevertheless, contrary to all their hopes and expectations, when the flame

ceased, and that the faggots were quite burnt and consumed, the tower

appeared as whole, sound, and entire as ever.  Caesar, after a serious

consideration had thereof, commanded a compass to be taken without the

distance of a stone cast from the castle round about it there, with ditches

and entrenchments to form a blockade; which when the Larignans understood,

they rendered themselves upon terms.  And then by a relation from them it

was that Caesar learned the admirable nature and virtue of this wood, which

of itself produceth neither fire, flame, nor coal, and would, therefore, in

regard of that rare quality of incombustibility, have been admitted into

this rank and degree of a true Pantagruelional plant; and that so much the

rather, for that Pantagruel directed that all the gates, doors, angiports,

windows, gutters, fretticed and embowed ceilings, cans, (cants?) and other

whatsoever wooden furniture in the abbey of Theleme, should be all

materiated of this kind of timber.  He likewise caused to cover therewith

the sterns, stems, cook-rooms or laps, hatches, decks, courses, bends, and

walls of his carricks, ships, galleons, galleys, brigantines, foists,

frigates, crears, barques, floats, pinks, pinnaces, hoys, ketches, capers,

and other vessels of his Thalassian arsenal; were it not that the wood or

timber of the larch-tree, being put within a large and ample furnace full

of huge vehemently flaming fire proceeding from the fuel of other sorts and

kinds of wood, cometh at last to be corrupted, consumed, dissipated, and

destroyed, as are stones in a lime-kiln.  But this Pantagruelion Asbeston

is rather by the fire renewed and cleansed than by the flames thereof

consumed or changed.  Therefore,

  Arabians, Indians, Sabaeans,

  Sing not, in hymns and Io Paeans,

  Your incense, myrrh, or ebony.

  Come here, a nobler plant to see,

  And carry home, at any rate,

  Some seed, that you may propagate.

  If in your soil it takes, to heaven

  A thousand thousand thanks be given;

  And say with France, it goodly goes,

  Where the Pantagruelion grows.

END OF BOOK III

Rabelais Index