Rabelais - The Second Book

THE SECOND BOOK.

For the Reader.

The Reader here may be pleased to take notice that the copy of verses by

the title of ‘Rablophila’, premised to the first book of this translation,

being but a kind of mock poem, in imitation of somewhat lately published

(as to any indifferent observer will easily appear, by the false quantities

in the Latin, the abusive strain of the English, and extravagant

subscription to both), and as such, by a friend of the translator’s, at the

desire of some frolic gentlemen of his acquaintance, more for a trial of

skill than prejudicacy to any, composed in his jollity to please their

fancies, was only ordained to be prefixed to a dozen of books, and no more,

thereby to save the labour of transcribing so many as were requisite for

satisfying the curiosity of a company of just that number; and that,

therefore, the charging of the whole impression with it is merely to be

imputed to the negligence of the pressmen, who, receiving it about the

latter end of the night, were so eager before the next morning to afford

complete books, that, as they began, they went on, without animadverting

what was recommended to their discretion.  This is hoped will suffice to

assure the ingenuous Reader that in no treatise of the translator’s,

whether original or translatitious, shall willingly be offered the meanest

rub to the reputation of any worthy gentleman, and that, however providence

dispose of him, no misfortune shall be able to induce his mind to any

complacency in the disparagement of another.

Again.

The Pentateuch of Rabelais mentioned in the title-page of the first book of

this translation being written originally in the French tongue (as it

comprehendeth some of its brusquest dialects), with so much ingeniosity and

wit, that more impressions have been sold thereof in that language than of

any other book that hath been set forth at any time within these fifteen

hundred years; so difficult nevertheless to be turned into any other speech

that many prime spirits in most of the nations of Europe, since the year

1573, which was fourscore years ago, after having attempted it, were

constrained with no small regret to give it over as a thing impossible to

be done, is now in its translation thus far advanced, and the remainder

faithfully undertaken with the same hand to be rendered into English by a

person of quality, who (though his lands be sequestered, his house

garrisoned, his other goods sold, and himself detained a prisoner of war at

London, for his having been at Worcester fight) hath, at the most earnest

entreaty of some of his especial friends well acquainted with his

inclination to the performance of conducible singularities, promised,

besides his version of these two already published, very speedily to offer

up unto this Isle of Britain the virginity of the translation of the other

three most admirable books of the aforesaid author; provided that by the

plurality of judicious and understanding men it be not declared he hath

already proceeded too far, or that the continuation of the rigour whereby

he is dispossessed of all his both real and personal estate, by pressing

too hard upon him, be not an impediment thereto, and to other more eminent

undertakings of his, as hath been oftentimes very fully mentioned by the

said translator in several original treatises of his own penning, lately by

him so numerously dispersed that there is scarce any, who being skilful in

the English idiom, or curious of any new ingenious invention, hath not

either read them or heard of them.

Mr. Hugh Salel to Rabelais.

If profit mixed with pleasure may suffice

T’ extol an author’s worth above the skies,

Thou certainly for both must praised be:

I know it; for thy judgment hath in the

Contexture of this book set down such high

Contentments, mingled with utility,

That (as I think) I see Democritus

Laughing at men as things ridiculous.

    Insist in thy design; for, though we prove

    Ungrate on earth, thy merit is above.

The Author’s Prologue.

Most illustrious and thrice valorous champions, gentlemen and others, who

willingly apply your minds to the entertainment of pretty conceits and

honest harmless knacks of wit; you have not long ago seen, read, and

understood the great and inestimable Chronicle of the huge and mighty giant

Gargantua, and, like upright faithfullists, have firmly believed all to be

true that is contained in them, and have very often passed your time with

them amongst honourable ladies and gentlewomen, telling them fair long

stories, when you were out of all other talk, for which you are worthy of

great praise and sempiternal memory.  And I do heartily wish that every man

would lay aside his own business, meddle no more with his profession nor

trade, and throw all affairs concerning himself behind his back, to attend

this wholly, without distracting or troubling his mind with anything else,

until he have learned them without book; that if by chance the art of

printing should cease, or in case that in time to come all books should

perish, every man might truly teach them unto his children, and deliver

them over to his successors and survivors from hand to hand as a religious

cabal; for there is in it more profit than a rabble of great pocky

loggerheads are able to discern, who surely understand far less in these

little merriments than the fool Raclet did in the Institutions of

Justinian.

I have known great and mighty lords, and of those not a few, who, going

a-deer-hunting, or a-hawking after wild ducks, when the chase had not

encountered with the blinks that were cast in her way to retard her course,

or that the hawk did but plain and smoothly fly without moving her wings,

perceiving the prey by force of flight to have gained bounds of her, have

been much chafed and vexed, as you understand well enough; but the comfort

unto which they had refuge, and that they might not take cold, was to

relate the inestimable deeds of the said Gargantua.  There are others in

the world--these are no flimflam stories, nor tales of a tub--who, being

much troubled with the toothache, after they had spent their goods upon

physicians without receiving at all any ease of their pain, have found no

more ready remedy than to put the said Chronicles betwixt two pieces of

linen cloth made somewhat hot, and so apply them to the place that

smarteth, sinapizing them with a little powder of projection, otherwise

called doribus.

But what shall I say of those poor men that are plagued with the pox and

the gout?  O how often have we seen them, even immediately after they were

anointed and thoroughly greased, till their faces did glister like the

keyhole of a powdering tub, their teeth dance like the jacks of a pair of

little organs or virginals when they are played upon, and that they foamed

from their very throats like a boar which the mongrel mastiff-hounds have

driven in and overthrown amongst the toils,--what did they then?  All their

consolation was to have some page of the said jolly book read unto them.

And we have seen those who have given themselves to a hundred puncheons of

old devils, in case that they did not feel a manifest ease and assuagement

of pain at the hearing of the said book read, even when they were kept in a

purgatory of torment; no more nor less than women in travail use to find

their sorrow abated when the life of St. Margaret is read unto them.  Is

this nothing?  Find me a book in any language, in any faculty or science

whatsoever, that hath such virtues, properties, and prerogatives, and I

will be content to pay you a quart of tripes.  No, my masters, no; it is

peerless, incomparable, and not to be matched; and this am I resolved for

ever to maintain even unto the fire exclusive.  And those that will

pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion, let them be accounted abusers,

predestinators, impostors, and seducers of the people.  It is very true

that there are found in some gallant and stately books, worthy of high

estimation, certain occult and hid properties; in the number of which are

reckoned Whippot, Orlando Furioso, Robert the Devil, Fierabras, William

without Fear, Huon of Bordeaux, Monteville, and Matabrune: but they are not

comparable to that which we speak of, and the world hath well known by

infallible experience the great emolument and utility which it hath

received by this Gargantuine Chronicle, for the printers have sold more of

them in two months’ time than there will be bought of Bibles in nine years.

I therefore, your humble slave, being very willing to increase your solace

and recreation yet a little more, do offer you for a present another book

of the same stamp, only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of

credit than the other was.  For think not, unless you wilfully will err

against your knowledge, that I speak of it as the Jews do of the Law.  I

was not born under such a planet, neither did it ever befall me to lie, or

affirm a thing for true that was not.  I speak of it like a lusty frolic

onocrotary (Onocratal is a bird not much unlike a swan, which sings like an

ass’s braying.), I should say crotenotary (Crotenotaire or notaire crotte,

croquenotaire or notaire croque are but allusions in derision of

protonotaire, which signifieth a pregnotary.) of the martyrized lovers, and

croquenotary of love.  Quod vidimus, testamur.  It is of the horrible and

dreadful feats and prowesses of Pantagruel, whose menial servant I have

been ever since I was a page, till this hour that by his leave I am

permitted to visit my cow-country, and to know if any of my kindred there

be alive.

And therefore, to make an end of this Prologue, even as I give myself to a

hundred panniersful of fair devils, body and soul, tripes and guts, in case

that I lie so much as one single word in this whole history; after the like

manner, St. Anthony’s fire burn you, Mahoom’s disease whirl you, the

squinance with a stitch in your side and the wolf in your stomach truss

you, the bloody flux seize upon you, the cursed sharp inflammations of

wild-fire, as slender and thin as cow’s hair strengthened with quicksilver,

enter into your fundament, and, like those of Sodom and Gomorrah, may you

fall into sulphur, fire, and bottomless pits, in case you do not firmly

believe all that I shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle.

THE SECOND BOOK.

Chapter 2.I.

Of the original and antiquity of the great Pantagruel.

It will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, seeing we are at leisure, to

put you in mind of the fountain and original source whence is derived unto

us the good Pantagruel.  For I see that all good historiographers have thus

handled their chronicles, not only the Arabians, Barbarians, and Latins,

but also the gentle Greeks, who were eternal drinkers.  You must therefore

remark that at the beginning of the world--I speak of a long time; it is

above forty quarantains, or forty times forty nights, according to the

supputation of the ancient Druids--a little after that Abel was killed by

his brother Cain, the earth, imbrued with the blood of the just, was one

year so exceeding fertile in all those fruits which it usually produceth to

us, and especially in medlars, that ever since throughout all ages it hath

been called the year of the great medlars; for three of them did fill a

bushel.  In it the kalends were found by the Grecian almanacks.  There was

that year nothing of the month of March in the time of Lent, and the middle

of August was in May.  In the month of October, as I take it, or at least

September, that I may not err, for I will carefully take heed of that, was

the week so famous in the annals, which they call the week of the three

Thursdays; for it had three of them by means of their irregular leap-years,

called Bissextiles, occasioned by the sun’s having tripped and stumbled a

little towards the left hand, like a debtor afraid of sergeants, coming

right upon him to arrest him:  and the moon varied from her course above

five fathom, and there was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the

firmament of the fixed stars, called Aplanes, so that the middle Pleiade,

leaving her fellows, declined towards the equinoctial, and the star named

Spica left the constellation of the Virgin to withdraw herself towards the

Balance, known by the name of Libra, which are cases very terrible, and

matters so hard and difficult that astrologians cannot set their teeth in

them; and indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they could have

reached thither.

However, account you it for a truth that everybody then did most heartily

eat of these medlars, for they were fair to the eye and in taste delicious.

But even as Noah, that holy man, to whom we are so much beholding, bound,

and obliged, for that he planted to us the vine, from whence we have that

nectarian, delicious, precious, heavenly, joyful, and deific liquor which

they call the piot or tiplage, was deceived in the drinking of it, for he

was ignorant of the great virtue and power thereof; so likewise the men and

women of that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great fruit,

but divers and very different accidents did ensue thereupon; for there fell

upon them all in their bodies a most terrible swelling, but not upon all in

the same place, for some were swollen in the belly, and their belly

strouted out big like a great tun, of whom it is written, Ventrem

omnipotentem, who were all very honest men, and merry blades.  And of this

race came St. Fatgulch and Shrove Tuesday (Pansart, Mardigras.).  Others

did swell at the shoulders, who in that place were so crump and knobby that

they were therefore called Montifers, which is as much to say as

Hill-carriers, of whom you see some yet in the world, of divers sexes and

degrees.  Of this race came Aesop, some of whose excellent words and deeds

you have in writing.  Some other puffs did swell in length by the member

which they call the labourer of nature, in such sort that it grew

marvellous long, fat, great, lusty, stirring, and crest-risen, in the

antique fashion, so that they made use of it as of a girdle, winding it

five or six times about their waist:  but if it happened the foresaid

member to be in good case, spooming with a full sail bunt fair before the

wind, then to have seen those strouting champions, you would have taken

them for men that had their lances settled on their rest to run at the ring

or tilting whintam (quintain).  Of these, believe me, the race is utterly

lost and quite extinct, as the women say; for they do lament continually

that there are none extant now of those great, &c.  You know the rest of

the song.  Others did grow in matter of ballocks so enormously that three

of them would well fill a sack able to contain five quarters of wheat.

From them are descended the ballocks of Lorraine, which never dwell in

codpieces, but fall down to the bottom of the breeches.  Others grew in the

legs, and to see them you would have said they had been cranes, or the

reddish-long-billed-storklike-scrank-legged sea-fowls called flamans, or

else men walking upon stilts or scatches.  The little grammar-school boys,

known by the name of Grimos, called those leg-grown slangams Jambus, in

allusion to the French word jambe, which signifieth a leg.  In others,

their nose did grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of a limbeck, in

every part thereof most variously diapered with the twinkling sparkles of

crimson blisters budding forth, and purpled with pimples all enamelled with

thickset wheals of a sanguine colour, bordered with gules; and such have

you seen the Canon or Prebend Panzoult, and Woodenfoot, the physician of

Angiers.  Of which race there were few that looked the ptisane, but all of

them were perfect lovers of the pure Septembral juice.  Naso and Ovid had

their extraction from thence, and all those of whom it is written, Ne

reminiscaris.  Others grew in ears, which they had so big that out of one

would have been stuff enough got to make a doublet, a pair of breeches, and

a jacket, whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as with

a Spanish cloak:  and they say that in Bourbonnois this race remaineth yet.

Others grew in length of body, and of those came the Giants, and of them

Pantagruel.

And the first was Chalbroth,

Who begat Sarabroth,

Who begat Faribroth,

Who begat Hurtali, that was a brave eater of pottage, and reigned

  in the time of the flood;

Who begat Nembroth,

Who begat Atlas, that with his shoulders kept the sky from falling;

Who begat Goliah,

Who begat Erix, that invented the hocus pocus plays of legerdemain;

Who begat Titius,

Who begat Eryon,

Who begat Polyphemus,

Who begat Cacus,

Who begat Etion, the first man that ever had the pox, for not drinking

  fresh in summer, as Bartachin witnesseth;

Who begat Enceladus,

Who begat Ceus,

Who begat Tiphaeus,

Who begat Alaeus,

Who begat Othus,

Who begat Aegeon,

Who begat Briareus, that had a hundred hands;

Who begat Porphyrio,

Who begat Adamastor,

Who begat Anteus,

Who begat Agatho,

Who begat Porus, against whom fought Alexander the Great;

Who begat Aranthas,

Who begat Gabbara, that was the first inventor of the drinking of

  healths;

Who begat Goliah of Secondille,

Who begat Offot, that was terribly well nosed for drinking at the

  barrel-head;

Who begat Artachaeus,

Who begat Oromedon,

Who begat Gemmagog, the first inventor of Poulan shoes, which are

  open on the foot and tied over the instep with a lachet;

Who begat Sisyphus,

Who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was born;

Who begat Enay, the most skilful man that ever was in matter of

  taking the little worms (called cirons) out of the hands;

Who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished by Oliver, peer of France

  and Roland’s comrade;

Who begat Morgan, the first in the world that played at dice with

  spectacles;

Who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coccaius hath written, and of

  him was born Ferragus,

Who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever invented the drying of

  neat’s tongues in the chimney; for, before that, people salted

  them as they do now gammons of bacon;

Who begat Bolivorax,

Who begat Longis,

Who begat Gayoffo, whose ballocks were of poplar, and his pr... of

  the service or sorb-apple-tree;

Who begat Maschefain,

Who begat Bruslefer,

Who begat Angoulevent,

Who begat Galehaut, the inventor of flagons;

Who begat Mirelangaut,

Who begat Gallaffre,

Who begat Falourdin,

Who begat Roboast,

Who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres,

Who begat Brushant of Mommiere,

Who begat Bruyer that was overcome by Ogier the Dane, peer of

  France;

Who begat Mabrun,

Who begat Foutasnon,

Who begat Haquelebac,

Who begat Vitdegrain,

Who begat Grangousier,

Who begat Gargantua,

Who begat the noble Pantagruel, my master.

I know that, reading this passage, you will make a doubt within yourselves,

and that grounded upon very good reason, which is this--how it is possible

that this relation can be true, seeing at the time of the flood all the

world was destroyed, except Noah and seven persons more with him in the

ark, into whose number Hurtali is not admitted.  Doubtless the demand is

well made and very apparent, but the answer shall satisfy you, or my wit is

not rightly caulked.  And because I was not at that time to tell you

anything of my own fancy, I will bring unto you the authority of the

Massorets, good honest fellows, true ballockeering blades and exact

Hebraical bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within

the ark of Noah, neither could he get in, for he was too big, but he sat

astride upon it, with one leg on the one side and another on the other, as

little children use to do upon their wooden horses; or as the great bull of

Berne, which was killed at Marinian, did ride for his hackney the great

murdering piece called the canon-pevier, a pretty beast of a fair and

pleasant amble without all question.

In that posture, he, after God, saved the said ark from danger, for with

his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful, and with his foot turned

it whither he pleased, as a ship answereth her rudder.  Those that were

within sent him up victuals in abundance by a chimney, as people very

thankfully acknowledging the good that he did them.  And sometimes they did

talk together as Icaromenippus did to Jupiter, according to the report of

Lucian.  Have you understood all this well?  Drink then one good draught

without water, for if you believe it not,--no truly do I not, quoth she.

Chapter 2.II.

Of the nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel.

Gargantua at the age of four hundred fourscore forty and four years begat

his son Pantagruel, upon his wife named Badebec, daughter to the king of

the Amaurots in Utopia, who died in childbirth; for he was so wonderfully

great and lumpish that he could not possibly come forth into the light of

the world without thus suffocating his mother.  But that we may fully

understand the cause and reason of the name of Pantagruel which at his

baptism was given him, you are to remark that in that year there was so

great drought over all the country of Africa that there passed thirty and

six months, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours and a little more

without rain, but with a heat so vehement that the whole earth was parched

and withered by it.  Neither was it more scorched and dried up with heat in

the days of Elijah than it was at that time; for there was not a tree to be

seen that had either leaf or bloom upon it.  The grass was without verdure

or greenness, the rivers were drained, the fountains dried up, the poor

fishes, abandoned and forsaken by their proper element, wandering and

crying upon the ground most horribly.  The birds did fall down from the air

for want of moisture and dew wherewith to refresh them.  The wolves, foxes,

harts, wild boars, fallow deer, hares, coneys, weasels, brocks, badgers,

and other such beasts, were found dead in the fields with their mouths

open.  In respect of men, there was the pity, you should have seen them lay

out their tongues like hares that have been run six hours.  Many did throw

themselves into the wells.  Others entered within a cow’s belly to be in

the shade; those Homer calls Alibants.  All the country was idle, and could

do no virtue.  It was a most lamentable case to have seen the labour of

mortals in defending themselves from the vehemency of this horrific

drought; for they had work enough to do to save the holy water in the

churches from being wasted; but there was such order taken by the counsel

of my lords the cardinals and of our holy Father, that none did dare to

take above one lick.  Yet when anyone came into the church, you should have

seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was the

distributor of the water, and that with a wide open throat, gaping for some

little drop, like the rich glutton in Luke, that might fall by, lest

anything should be lost.  O how happy was he in that year who had a cool

cellar under ground, well plenished with fresh wine!

The philosopher reports, in moving the question, Wherefore it is that the

sea-water is salt, that at the time when Phoebus gave the government of his

resplendent chariot to his son Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskilful in the

art, and not knowing how to keep the ecliptic line betwixt the two tropics

of the latitude of the sun’s course, strayed out of his way, and came so

near the earth that he dried up all the countries that were under it,

burning a great part of the heavens which the philosophers call Via lactea,

and the huffsnuffs St. James’s way; although the most coped, lofty, and

high-crested poets affirm that to be the place where Juno’s milk fell when

she gave suck to Hercules.  The earth at that time was so excessively

heated that it fell into an enormous sweat, yea, such a one as made it

sweat out the sea, which is therefore salt, because all sweat is salt; and

this you cannot but confess to be true if you will taste of your own, or of

those that have the pox, when they are put into sweating, it is all one to

me.

Just such another case fell out this same year:  for on a certain Friday,

when the whole people were bent upon their devotions, and had made goodly

processions, with store of litanies, and fair preachings, and beseechings

of God Almighty to look down with his eye of mercy upon their miserable and

disconsolate condition, there was even then visibly seen issue out of the

ground great drops of water, such as fall from a puff-bagged man in a top

sweat, and the poor hoidens began to rejoice as if it had been a thing very

profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of moisture

in the air whence they might have any rain, and that the earth did supply

the default of that.  Other learned men said that it was a shower of the

antipodes, as Seneca saith in his fourth book Quaestionum naturalium,

speaking of the source and spring of Nilus.  But they were deceived, for,

the procession being ended, when everyone went about to gather of this dew,

and to drink of it with full bowls, they found that it was nothing but

pickle and the very brine of salt, more brackish in taste than the saltest

water of the sea.  And because in that very day Pantagruel was born, his

father gave him that name; for Panta in Greek is as much to say as all, and

Gruel in the Hagarene language doth signify thirsty, inferring hereby that

at his birth the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, as likewise foreseeing

that he would be some day supreme lord and sovereign of the thirsty

Ethrappels, which was shown to him at that very same hour by a more evident

sign.  For when his mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth, and

that the midwives did wait to receive him, there came first out of her

belly three score and eight tregeneers, that is, salt-sellers, every one of

them leading in a halter a mule heavy laden with salt; after whom issued

forth nine dromedaries, with great loads of gammons of bacon and dried

neat’s tongues on their backs.  Then followed seven camels loaded with

links and chitterlings, hogs’ puddings, and sausages.  After them came out

five great wains, full of leeks, garlic, onions, and chibots, drawn with

five-and-thirty strong cart-horses, which was six for every one, besides

the thiller.  At the sight hereof the said midwives were much amazed, yet

some of them said, Lo, here is good provision, and indeed we need it; for

we drink but lazily, as if our tongues walked on crutches, and not lustily

like Lansman Dutches.  Truly this is a good sign; there is nothing here but

what is fit for us; these are the spurs of wine, that set it a-going.  As

they were tattling thus together after their own manner of chat, behold!

out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a bear, whereupon one of them, inspired

with a prophetical spirit, said, This will be a terrible fellow; he is born

with all his hair; he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things, and if he live

he shall have age.

Chapter 2.III.

Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the decease of his wife

Badebec.

When Pantagruel was born, there was none more astonished and perplexed than

was his father Gargantua; for of the one side seeing his wife Badebec dead,

and on the other side his son Pantagruel born, so fair and so great, he

knew not what to say nor what to do.  And the doubt that troubled his brain

was to know whether he should cry for the death of his wife or laugh for

the joy of his son.  He was hinc inde choked with sophistical arguments,

for he framed them very well in modo et figura, but he could not resolve

them, remaining pestered and entangled by this means, like a mouse caught

in a trap or kite snared in a gin.  Shall I weep? said he.  Yes, for why?

My so good wife is dead, who was the most this, the most that, that ever

was in the world.  Never shall I see her, never shall I recover such

another; it is unto me an inestimable loss!  O my good God, what had I done

that thou shouldest thus punish me?  Why didst thou not take me away before

her, seeing for me to live without her is but to languish?  Ah, Badebec,

Badebec, my minion, my dear heart, my sugar, my sweeting, my honey, my

little c-- (yet it had in circumference full six acres, three rods, five

poles, four yards, two foot, one inch and a half of good woodland measure),

my tender peggy, my codpiece darling, my bob and hit, my slipshoe-lovey,

never shall I see thee!  Ah, poor Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good

mother, thy sweet nurse, thy well-beloved lady!  O false death, how

injurious and despiteful hast thou been to me!  How malicious and

outrageous have I found thee in taking her from me, my well-beloved wife,

to whom immortality did of right belong!

With these words he did cry like a cow, but on a sudden fell a-laughing

like a calf, when Pantagruel came into his mind.  Ha, my little son, said

he, my childilolly, fedlifondy, dandlichucky, my ballocky, my pretty rogue!

O how jolly thou art, and how much am I bound to my gracious God, that hath

been pleased to bestow on me a son so fair, so spriteful, so lively, so

smiling, so pleasant, and so gentle!  Ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad I am!  Let

us drink, ho, and put away melancholy!  Bring of the best, rinse the

glasses, lay the cloth, drive out these dogs, blow this fire, light

candles, shut that door there, cut this bread in sippets for brewis, send

away these poor folks in giving them what they ask, hold my gown.  I will

strip myself into my doublet (en cuerpo), to make the gossips merry, and

keep them company.

As he spake this, he heard the litanies and the mementos of the priests

that carried his wife to be buried, upon which he left the good purpose he

was in, and was suddenly ravished another way, saying, Lord God! must I

again contrist myself?  This grieves me.  I am no longer young, I grow old,

the weather is dangerous; I may perhaps take an ague, then shall I be

foiled, if not quite undone.  By the faith of a gentleman, it were better

to cry less, and drink more.  My wife is dead, well, by G--! (da jurandi) I

shall not raise her again by my crying:  she is well, she is in paradise at

least, if she be no higher:  she prayeth to God for us, she is happy, she

is above the sense of our miseries, nor can our calamities reach her.  What

though she be dead, must not we also die?  The same debt which she hath

paid hangs over our heads; nature will require it of us, and we must all of

us some day taste of the same sauce.  Let her pass then, and the Lord

preserve the survivors; for I must now cast about how to get another wife.

But I will tell you what you shall do, said he to the midwives, in France

called wise women (where be they, good folks?  I cannot see them):  Go you

to my wife’s interment, and I will the while rock my son; for I find myself

somewhat altered and distempered, and should otherwise be in danger of

falling sick; but drink one good draught first, you will be the better for

it.  And believe me, upon mine honour, they at his request went to her

burial and funeral obsequies.  In the meanwhile, poor Gargantua staying at

home, and willing to have somewhat in remembrance of her to be engraven

upon her tomb, made this epitaph in the manner as followeth.

  Dead is the noble Badebec,

  Who had a face like a rebeck;

  A Spanish body, and a belly

  Of Switzerland; she died, I tell ye,

  In childbirth.  Pray to God, that her

  He pardon wherein she did err.

  Here lies her body, which did live

  Free from all vice, as I believe,

    And did decease at my bedside,

    The year and day in which she died.

Chapter 2.IV.

Of the infancy of Pantagruel.

I find by the ancient historiographers and poets that divers have been born

in this world after very strange manners, which would be too long to

repeat; read therefore the seventh chapter of Pliny, if you have so much

leisure.  Yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of

Pantagruel; for it is a very difficult matter to believe, how in the little

time he was in his mother’s belly he grew both in body and strength.  That

which Hercules did was nothing, when in his cradle he slew two serpents,

for those serpents were but little and weak, but Pantagruel, being yet in

the cradle, did far more admirable things, and more to be amazed at.  I

pass by here the relation of how at every one of his meals he supped up the

milk of four thousand and six hundred cows, and how, to make him a skillet

to boil his milk in, there were set a-work all the braziers of Somure in

Anjou, of Villedieu in Normandy, and of Bramont in Lorraine.  And they

served in this whitepot-meat to him in a huge great bell, which is yet to

be seen in the city of Bourges in Berry, near the palace, but his teeth

were already so well grown, and so strengthened with vigour, that of the

said bell he bit off a great morsel, as very plainly doth appear till this

hour.

One day in the morning, when they would have made him suck one of his cows

--for he never had any other nurse, as the history tells us--he got one of

his arms loose from the swaddling bands wherewith he was kept fast in the

cradle, laid hold on the said cow under the left foreham, and grasping her

to him ate up her udder and half of her paunch, with the liver and the

kidneys, and had devoured all up if she had not cried out most horribly, as

if the wolves had held her by the legs, at which noise company came in and

took away the said cow from Pantagruel.  Yet could they not so well do it

but that the quarter whereby he caught her was left in his hand, of which

quarter he gulped up the flesh in a trice, even with as much ease as you

would eat a sausage, and that so greedily with desire of more, that, when

they would have taken away the bone from him, he swallowed it down whole,

as a cormorant would do a little fish; and afterwards began fumblingly to

say, Good, good, good--for he could not yet speak plain--giving them to

understand thereby that he had found it very good, and that he did lack but

so much more.  Which when they saw that attended him, they bound him with

great cable-ropes, like those that are made at Tain for the carriage of

salt to Lyons, or such as those are whereby the great French ship rides at

anchor in the road of Newhaven in Normandy.  But, on a certain time, a

great bear, which his father had bred, got loose, came towards him, began

to lick his face, for his nurses had not thoroughly wiped his chaps, at

which unexpected approach being on a sudden offended, he as lightly rid

himself of those great cables as Samson did of the hawser ropes wherewith

the Philistines had tied him, and, by your leave, takes me up my lord the

bear, and tears him to you in pieces like a pullet, which served him for a

gorgeful or good warm bit for that meal.

Whereupon Gargantua, fearing lest the child should hurt himself, caused

four great chains of iron to be made to bind him, and so many strong wooden

arches unto his cradle, most firmly stocked and morticed in huge frames.

Of those chains you have one at Rochelle, which they draw up at night

betwixt the two great towers of the haven.  Another is at Lyons,--a third

at Angiers,--and the fourth was carried away by the devils to bind Lucifer,

who broke his chains in those days by reason of a colic that did

extraordinarily torment him, taken with eating a sergeant’s soul fried for

his breakfast.  And therefore you may believe that which Nicholas de Lyra

saith upon that place of the Psalter where it is written, Et Og Regem

Basan, that the said Og, being yet little, was so strong and robustious,

that they were fain to bind him with chains of iron in his cradle.  Thus

continued Pantagruel for a while very calm and quiet, for he was not able

so easily to break those chains, especially having no room in the cradle to

give a swing with his arms.  But see what happened once upon a great

holiday that his father Gargantua made a sumptuous banquet to all the

princes of his court.  I am apt to believe that the menial officers of the

house were so embusied in waiting each on his proper service at the feast,

that nobody took care of poor Pantagruel, who was left a reculorum,

behindhand, all alone, and as forsaken.  What did he?  Hark what he did,

good people.  He strove and essayed to break the chains of the cradle with

his arms, but could not, for they were too strong for him.  Then did he

keep with his feet such a stamping stir, and so long, that at last he beat

out the lower end of his cradle, which notwithstanding was made of a great

post five foot in square; and as soon as he had gotten out his feet, he

slid down as well as he could till he had got his soles to the ground, and

then with a mighty force he rose up, carrying his cradle upon his back,

bound to him like a tortoise that crawls up against a wall; and to have

seen him, you would have thought it had been a great carrick of five

hundred tons upon one end.  In this manner he entered into the great hall

where they were banqueting, and that very boldly, which did much affright

the company; yet, because his arms were tied in, he could not reach

anything to eat, but with great pain stooped now and then a little to take

with the whole flat of his tongue some lick, good bit, or morsel.  Which

when his father saw, he knew well enough that they had left him without

giving him anything to eat, and therefore commanded that he should be

loosed from the said chains, by the counsel of the princes and lords there

present.  Besides that also the physicians of Gargantua said that, if they

did thus keep him in the cradle, he would be all his lifetime subject to

the stone.  When he was unchained, they made him to sit down, where, after

he had fed very well, he took his cradle and broke it into more than five

hundred thousand pieces with one blow of his fist that he struck in the

midst of it, swearing that he would never come into it again.

Chapter 2.V.

Of the acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful age.

Thus grew Pantagruel from day to day, and to everyone’s eye waxed more and

more in all his dimensions, which made his father to rejoice by a natural

affection.  Therefore caused he to be made for him, whilst he was yet

little, a pretty crossbow wherewith to shoot at small birds, which now they

call the great crossbow at Chantelle.  Then he sent him to the school to

learn, and to spend his youth in virtue.  In the prosecution of which

design he came first to Poictiers, where, as he studied and profited very

much, he saw that the scholars were oftentimes at leisure and knew not how

to bestow their time, which moved him to take such compassion on them, that

one day he took from a long ledge of rocks, called there Passelourdin, a

huge great stone, of about twelve fathom square and fourteen handfuls

thick, and with great ease set it upon four pillars in the midst of a

field, to no other end but that the said scholars, when they had nothing

else to do, might pass their time in getting up on that stone, and feast it

with store of gammons, pasties, and flagons, and carve their names upon it

with a knife, in token of which deed till this hour the stone is called the

lifted stone.  And in remembrance hereof there is none entered into the

register and matricular book of the said university, or accounted capable

of taking any degree therein, till he have first drunk in the caballine

fountain of Croustelles, passed at Passelourdin, and got up upon the lifted

stone.

Afterwards, reading the delectable chronicles of his ancestors, he found

that Geoffrey of Lusignan, called Geoffrey with the great tooth,

grandfather to the cousin-in-law of the eldest sister of the aunt of the

son-in-law of the uncle of the good daughter of his stepmother, was

interred at Maillezais; therefore one day he took campos (which is a little

vacation from study to play a while), that he might give him a visit as

unto an honest man.  And going from Poictiers with some of his companions,

they passed by the Guge (Leguge), visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon; then

by Lusignan, by Sansay, by Celles, by Coolonges, by Fontenay-le-Comte,

saluting the learned Tiraqueau, and from thence arrived at Maillezais,

where he went to see the sepulchre of the said Geoffrey with the great

tooth; which made him somewhat afraid, looking upon the picture, whose

lively draughts did set him forth in the representation of a man in an

extreme fury, drawing his great Malchus falchion half way out of his

scabbard.  When the reason hereof was demanded, the canons of the said

place told him that there was no other cause of it but that Pictoribus

atque Poetis, &c., that is to say, that painters and poets have liberty to

paint and devise what they list after their own fancy.  But he was not

satisfied with their answer, and said, He is not thus painted without a

cause, and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him,

whereof he requireth his kindred to take revenge.  I will inquire further

into it, and then do what shall be reasonable.  Then he returned not to

Poictiers, but would take a view of the other universities of France.

Therefore, going to Rochelle, he took shipping and arrived at Bordeaux,

where he found no great exercise, only now and then he would see some

mariners and lightermen a-wrestling on the quay or strand by the

river-side.  From thence he came to Toulouse, where he learned to dance very

well, and to play with the two-handed sword, as the fashion of the scholars

of the said university is to bestir themselves in games whereof they may

have their hands full; but he stayed not long there when he saw that they

did cause burn their regents alive like red herring, saying, Now God forbid

that I should die this death! for I am by nature sufficiently dry already,

without heating myself any further.

He went then to Montpellier, where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux,

and good jovial company withal, and thought to have set himself to the

study of physic; but he considered that that calling was too troublesome

and melancholic, and that physicians did smell of glisters like old devils.

Therefore he resolved he would study the laws; but seeing that there were

but three scald- and one bald-pated legist in that place, he departed from

thence, and in his way made the bridge of Guard and the amphitheatre of

Nimes in less than three hours, which, nevertheless, seems to be a more

divine than human work.  After that he came to Avignon, where he was not

above three days before he fell in love; for the women there take great

delight in playing at the close-buttock game, because it is papal ground.

Which his tutor and pedagogue Epistemon perceiving, he drew him out of that

place, and brought him to Valence in the Dauphiny, where he saw no great

matter of recreation, only that the lubbers of the town did beat the

scholars, which so incensed him with anger, that when, upon a certain very

fair Sunday, the people being at their public dancing in the streets, and

one of the scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of

that sport, the foresaid lubberly fellows would not permit him the

admittance into their society, he, taking the scholar’s part, so belaboured

them with blows, and laid such load upon them, that he drove them all

before him, even to the brink of the river Rhone, and would have there

drowned them, but that they did squat to the ground, and there lay close a

full half-league under the river.  The hole is to be seen there yet.

After that he departed from thence, and in three strides and one leap came

to Angiers, where he found himself very well, and would have continued

there some space, but that the plague drove them away.  So from thence he

came to Bourges, where he studied a good long time, and profited very much

in the faculty of the laws, and would sometimes say that the books of the

civil law were like unto a wonderfully precious, royal, and triumphant robe

of cloth of gold edged with dirt; for in the world are no goodlier books to

be seen, more ornate, nor more eloquent than the texts of the Pandects, but

the bordering of them, that is to say, the gloss of Accursius, is so

scurvy, vile, base, and unsavoury, that it is nothing but filthiness and

villainy.

Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, where he found store of swaggering

scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming, and with whom he

learned to play at tennis so well that he was a master at that game.  For

the students of the said place make a prime exercise of it; and sometimes

they carried him unto Cupid’s houses of commerce (in that city termed

islands, because of their being most ordinarily environed with other

houses, and not contiguous to any), there to recreate his person at the

sport of poussavant, which the wenches of London call the ferkers in and

in.  As for breaking his head with over-much study, he had an especial care

not to do it in any case, for fear of spoiling his eyes.  Which he the

rather observed, for that it was told him by one of his teachers, there

called regents, that the pain of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any

to the sight.  For this cause, when he one day was made a licentiate, or

graduate in law, one of the scholars of his acquaintance, who of learning

had not much more than his burden, though instead of that he could dance

very well and play at tennis, made the blazon and device of the licentiates

in the said university, saying,

  So you have in your hand a racket,

  A tennis-ball in your cod-placket,

  A Pandect law in your cap’s tippet,

  And that you have the skill to trip it

  In a low dance, you will b’ allowed

  The grant of the licentiate’s hood.

Chapter 2.VI.

How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who too affectedly did counterfeit the

French language.

Upon a certain day, I know not when, Pantagruel walking after supper with

some of his fellow-students without that gate of the city through which we

enter on the road to Paris, encountered with a young spruce-like scholar

that was coming upon the same very way, and, after they had saluted one

another, asked him thus, My friend, from whence comest thou now?  The

scholar answered him, From the alme, inclyte, and celebrate academy, which

is vocitated Lutetia.  What is the meaning of this? said Pantagruel to one

of his men.  It is, answered he, from Paris.  Thou comest from Paris then,

said Pantagruel; and how do you spend your time there, you my masters the

students of Paris?  The scholar answered, We transfretate the Sequan at the

dilucul and crepuscul; we deambulate by the compites and quadrives of the

urb; we despumate the Latial verbocination; and, like verisimilary

amorabons, we captat the benevolence of the omnijugal, omniform and

omnigenal feminine sex.  Upon certain diecules we invisat the lupanares,

and in a venerian ecstasy inculcate our veretres into the penitissime

recesses of the pudends of these amicabilissim meretricules.  Then do we

cauponisate in the meritory taberns of the Pineapple, the Castle, the

Magdalene, and the Mule, goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with

petrocile.  And if by fortune there be rarity or penury of pecune in our

marsupies, and that they be exhausted of ferruginean metal, for the shot we

dimit our codices and oppignerat our vestments, whilst we prestolate the

coming of the tabellaries from the Penates and patriotic Lares.  To which

Pantagruel answered, What devilish language is this?  By the Lord, I think

thou art some kind of heretick.  My lord, no, said the scholar; for

libentissimally, as soon as it illucesceth any minutule slice of the day, I

demigrate into one of these so well architected minsters, and there,

irrorating myself with fair lustral water, I mumble off little parcels of

some missic precation of our sacrificuls, and, submurmurating my horary

precules, I elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal inquinations.

I revere the Olympicols.  I latrially venere the supernal Astripotent.  I

dilige and redame my proxims.  I observe the decalogical precepts, and,

according to the facultatule of my vires, I do not discede from them one

late unguicule.  Nevertheless, it is veriform, that because Mammona doth

not supergurgitate anything in my loculs, that I am somewhat rare and lent

to supererogate the elemosynes to those egents that hostially queritate

their stipe.

Prut, tut, said Pantagruel, what doth this fool mean to say?  I think he is

upon the forging of some diabolical tongue, and that enchanter-like he

would charm us.  To whom one of his men said, Without doubt, sir, this

fellow would counterfeit the language of the Parisians, but he doth only

flay the Latin, imagining by so doing that he doth highly Pindarize it in

most eloquent terms, and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a

great orator in the French, because he disdaineth the common manner of

speaking.  To which Pantagruel said, Is it true?  The scholar answered, My

worshipful lord, my genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious

nebulon saith, to excoriate the cut(ic)ule of our vernacular Gallic, but

vice-versally I gnave opere, and by veles and rames enite to locupletate it

with the Latinicome redundance.  By G--, said Pantagruel, I will teach you

to speak.  But first come hither, and tell me whence thou art.  To this the

scholar answered, The primeval origin of my aves and ataves was indigenary

of the Lemovic regions, where requiesceth the corpor of the hagiotat St.

Martial.  I understand thee very well, said Pantagruel.  When all comes to

all, thou art a Limousin, and thou wilt here by thy affected speech

counterfeit the Parisians.  Well now, come hither, I must show thee a new

trick, and handsomely give thee the combfeat.  With this he took him by the

throat, saying to him, Thou flayest the Latin; by St. John, I will make

thee flay the fox, for I will now flay thee alive.  Then began the poor

Limousin to cry, Haw, gwid maaster! haw, Laord, my halp, and St. Marshaw!

haw, I’m worried.  Haw, my thropple, the bean of my cragg is bruck!  Haw,

for gauad’s seck lawt my lean, mawster; waw, waw, waw.  Now, said

Pantagruel, thou speakest naturally, and so let him go, for the poor

Limousin had totally bewrayed and thoroughly conshit his breeches, which

were not deep and large enough, but round straight cannioned gregs, having

in the seat a piece like a keeling’s tail, and therefore in French called,

de chausses a queue de merlus.  Then, said Pantagruel, St. Alipantin, what

civet?  Fie! to the devil with this turnip-eater, as he stinks! and so let

him go.  But this hug of Pantagruel’s was such a terror to him all the days

of his life, and took such deep impression in his fancy, that very often,

distracted with sudden affrightments, he would startle and say that

Pantagruel held him by the neck.  Besides that, it procured him a continual

drought and desire to drink, so that after some few years he died of the

death Roland, in plain English called thirst, a work of divine vengeance,

showing us that which saith the philosopher and Aulus Gellius, that it

becometh us to speak according to the common language; and that we should,

as said Octavian Augustus, strive to shun all strange and unknown terms

with as much heedfulness and circumspection as pilots of ships use to avoid

the rocks and banks in the sea.

Chapter 2.VII.

How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice books of the Library of St.

Victor.

After that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans, he resolved to see

the great University at Paris; but, before his departure, he was informed

that there was a huge big bell at St. Anian in the said town of Orleans,

under the ground, which had been there above two hundred and fourteen

years, for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much

as above the ground, although they used all the means that are found in

Vitruvius de Architectura, Albertus de Re Aedificatoria, Euclid, Theon,

Archimedes, and Hero de Ingeniis; for all that was to no purpose.

Wherefore, condescending heartily to the humble request of the citizens and

inhabitants of the said town, he determined to remove it to the tower that

was erected for it.  With that he came to the place where it was, and

lifted it out of the ground with his little finger as easily as you would

have done a hawk’s bell or bellwether’s tingle-tangle; but, before he would

carry it to the foresaid tower or steeple appointed for it, he would needs

make some music with it about the town, and ring it alongst all the streets

as he carried it in his hand, wherewith all the people were very glad.  But

there happened one great inconveniency, for with carrying it so, and

ringing it about the streets, all the good Orleans wine turned instantly,

waxed flat and was spoiled, which nobody there did perceive till the night

following; for every man found himself so altered and a-dry with drinking

these flat wines, that they did nothing but spit, and that as white as

Malta cotton, saying, We have of the Pantagruel, and our very throats are

salted.  This done, he came to Paris with his retinue.  And at his entry

everyone came out to see him--as you know well enough that the people of

Paris is sottish by nature, by B flat and B sharp--and beheld him with

great astonishment, mixed with no less fear that he would carry away the

palace into some other country, a remotis, and far from them, as his father

formerly had done the great peal of bells at Our Lady’s Church to tie about

his mare’s neck.  Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, and studied

very well in all the seven liberal arts, he said it was a good town to live

in, but not to die; for that the grave-digging rogues of St. Innocent used

in frosty nights to warm their bums with dead men’s bones.  In his abode

there he found the library of St. Victor a very stately and magnific one,

especially in some books which were there, of which followeth the Repertory

and Catalogue, Et primo,

The for Godsake of Salvation.

The Codpiece of the Law.

The Slipshoe of the Decretals.

The Pomegranate of Vice.

The Clew-bottom of Theology.

The Duster or Foxtail-flap of Preachers, composed by Turlupin.

The Churning Ballock of the Valiant.

The Henbane of the Bishops.

Marmotretus de baboonis et apis, cum Commento Dorbellis.

Decretum Universitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum

  ad placitum.

The Apparition of Sancte Geltrude to a Nun of Poissy, being in

  travail at the bringing forth of a child.

Ars honeste fartandi in societate, per Marcum Corvinum (Ortuinum).

The Mustard-pot of Penance.

The Gamashes, alias the Boots of Patience.

Formicarium artium.

De brodiorum usu, et honestate quartandi, per Sylvestrem Prioratem

  Jacobinum.

The Cosened or Gulled in Court.

The Frail of the Scriveners.

The Marriage-packet.

The Cruizy or Crucible of Contemplation.

The Flimflams of the Law.

The Prickle of Wine.

The Spur of Cheese.

Ruboffatorium (Decrotatorium) scholarium.

Tartaretus de modo cacandi.

The Bravades of Rome.

Bricot de Differentiis Browsarum.

The Tailpiece-Cushion, or Close-breech of Discipline.

The Cobbled Shoe of Humility.

The Trivet of good Thoughts.

The Kettle of Magnanimity.

The Cavilling Entanglements of Confessors.

The Snatchfare of the Curates.

Reverendi patris fratris Lubini, provincialis Bavardiae, de gulpendis

  lardslicionibus libri tres.

Pasquilli Doctoris Marmorei, de capreolis cum artichoketa comedendis,

  tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto.

The Invention of the Holy Cross, personated by six wily Priests.

The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome.

Majoris de modo faciendi puddinos.

The Bagpipe of the Prelates.

Beda de optimitate triparum.

The Complaint of the Barristers upon the Reformation of Comfits.

The Furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys.

Of Peas and Bacon, cum Commento.

The Small Vales or Drinking Money of the Indulgences.

Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre Pilloti, &c.,

  Scrap-farthingi de botchandis glossae Accursianae Triflis repetitio

  enucidi-luculidissima.

Stratagemata Francharchiaeri de Baniolet.

Carlbumpkinus de Re Militari cum Figuris Tevoti.

De usu et utilitate flayandi equos et equas, authore Magistro nostro

  de Quebecu.

The Sauciness of Country-Stewards.

M.N. Rostocostojambedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda,

  libri quatuordecim, apostillati per M. Vaurillonis.

The Covillage or Wench-tribute of Promoters.

(Jabolenus de Cosmographia Purgatorii.)

Quaestio subtilissima, utrum Chimaera in vacuo bonbinans possit

  comedere secundas intentiones; et fuit debatuta per decem

  hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi.

The Bridle-champer of the Advocates.

Smutchudlamenta Scoti.

The Rasping and Hard-scraping of the Cardinals.

De calcaribus removendis, Decades undecim, per M. Albericum de Rosata.

Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus libri tres.

The Entrance of Anthony de Leve into the Territories of Brazil.

(Marforii, bacalarii cubantis Romae) de peelandis aut unskinnandis

  blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis.

The said Author’s Apology against those who allege that the Pope’s

  mule doth eat but at set times.

Prognosticatio quae incipit, Silvii Triquebille, balata per M.N., the

  deep-dreaming gull Sion.

Boudarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profectibus Aeneades novem,

  cum privilegio Papali ad triennium et postea non.

The Shitabranna of the Maids.

The Bald Arse or Peeled Breech of the Widows.

The Cowl or Capouch of the Monks.

The Mumbling Devotion of the Celestine Friars.

The Passage-toll of Beggarliness.

The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of Lubberly Lusks.

The Paring-shovel of the Theologues.

The Drench-horn of the Masters of Arts.

The Scullions of Olcam, the uninitiated Clerk.

Magistri N. Lickdishetis, de garbellisiftationibus horarum canonicarum,

  libri quadriginta.

Arsiversitatorium confratriarum, incerto authore.

The Gulsgoatony or Rasher of Cormorants and Ravenous Feeders.

The Rammishness of the Spaniards supergivuregondigaded by Friar Inigo.

The Muttering of Pitiful Wretches.

Dastardismus rerum Italicarum, authore Magistro Burnegad.

R. Lullius de Batisfolagiis Principum.

Calibistratorium caffardiae, authore M. Jacobo Hocstraten hereticometra.

Codtickler de Magistro nostrandorum Magistro nostratorumque beuvetis,

  libri octo galantissimi.

The Crackarades of Balists or stone-throwing Engines, Contrepate

  Clerks, Scriveners, Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal

  Bull-despatchers lately compiled by Regis.

A perpetual Almanack for those that have the gout and the pox.

Manera sweepandi fornacellos per Mag. Eccium.

The Shable or Scimetar of Merchants.

The Pleasures of the Monachal Life.

The Hotchpot of Hypocrites.

The History of the Hobgoblins.

The Ragamuffinism of the pensionary maimed Soldiers.

The Gulling Fibs and Counterfeit shows of Commissaries.

The Litter of Treasurers.

The Juglingatorium of Sophisters.

Antipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationes Toordicantium.

The Periwinkle of Ballad-makers.

The Push-forward of the Alchemists.

The Niddy-noddy of the Satchel-loaded Seekers, by Friar Bindfastatis.

The Shackles of Religion.

The Racket of Swag-waggers.

The Leaning-stock of old Age.

The Muzzle of Nobility.

The Ape’s Paternoster.

The Crickets and Hawk’s-bells of Devotion.

The Pot of the Ember-weeks.

The Mortar of the Politic Life.

The Flap of the Hermits.

The Riding-hood or Monterg of the Penitentiaries.

The Trictrac of the Knocking Friars.

Blockheadodus, de vita et honestate bragadochiorum.

Lyrippii Sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Lupoldum.

The Carrier-horse-bells of Travellers.

The Bibbings of the tippling Bishops.

Dolloporediones Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuclin.

The Cymbals of Ladies.

The Dunger’s Martingale.

Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum per Fratrem Crackwoodloguetis.

The Clouted Patches of a Stout Heart.

The Mummery of the Racket-keeping Robin-goodfellows.

Gerson, de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia.

The Catalogue of the Nominated and Graduated Persons.

Jo. Dytebrodii, terribilitate excommunicationis libellus acephalos.

Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos et diabolas, per M. Guingolphum.

The Hotchpotch or Gallimaufry of the perpetually begging Friars.

The Morris-dance of the Heretics.

The Whinings of Cajetan.

Muddisnout Doctoris Cherubici, de origine Roughfootedarum, et

  Wryneckedorum ritibus, libri septem.

Sixty-nine fat Breviaries.

The Nightmare of the five Orders of Beggars.

The Skinnery of the new Start-ups extracted out of the fallow-butt,

  incornifistibulated and plodded upon in the angelic sum.

The Raver and idle Talker in cases of Conscience.

The Fat Belly of the Presidents.

The Baffling Flouter of the Abbots.

Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaverat eum Slabsauceatorem, et quod

  Slabsauceatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia.

Cacatorium medicorum.

The Chimney-sweeper of Astrology.

Campi clysteriorum per paragraph C.

The Bumsquibcracker of Apothecaries.

The Kissbreech of Chirurgery.

Justinianus de Whiteleperotis tollendis.

Antidotarium animae.

Merlinus Coccaius, de patria diabolorum.

The Practice of Iniquity, by Cleuraunes Sadden.

The Mirror of Baseness, by Radnecu Waldenses.

The Engrained Rogue, by Dwarsencas Eldenu.

The Merciless Cormorant, by Hoxinidno the Jew.

Of which library some books are already printed, and the rest are now at

the press in this noble city of Tubingen.

Chapter 2.VIII.

How Pantagruel, being at Paris, received letters from his father Gargantua,

and the copy of them.

Pantagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and profited

accordingly; for he had an excellent understanding and notable wit,

together with a capacity in memory equal to the measure of twelve oil

budgets or butts of olives.  And, as he was there abiding one day, he

received a letter from his father in manner as followeth.

Most dear Son,--Amongst the gifts, graces, and prerogatives, with which the

sovereign plasmator God Almighty hath endowed and adorned human nature at

the beginning, that seems to me most singular and excellent by which we may

in a mortal state attain to a kind of immortality, and in the course of

this transitory life perpetuate our name and seed, which is done by a

progeny issued from us in the lawful bonds of matrimony.  Whereby that in

some measure is restored unto us which was taken from us by the sin of our

first parents, to whom it was said that, because they had not obeyed the

commandment of God their Creator, they should die, and by death should be

brought to nought that so stately frame and plasmature wherein the man at

first had been created.

But by this means of seminal propagation there (“Which continueth” in the

old copy.) continueth in the children what was lost in the parents, and in

the grandchildren that which perished in their fathers, and so successively

until the day of the last judgment, when Jesus Christ shall have rendered

up to God the Father his kingdom in a peaceable condition, out of all

danger and contamination of sin; for then shall cease all generations and

corruptions, and the elements leave off their continual transmutations,

seeing the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and

that all things shall be brought to their end and period.  And, therefore,

not without just and reasonable cause do I give thanks to God my Saviour

and Preserver, for that he hath enabled me to see my bald old age

reflourish in thy youth; for when, at his good pleasure, who rules and

governs all things, my soul shall leave this mortal habitation, I shall not

account myself wholly to die, but to pass from one place unto another,

considering that, in and by that, I continue in my visible image living in

the world, visiting and conversing with people of honour, and other my good

friends, as I was wont to do.  Which conversation of mine, although it was

not without sin, because we are all of us trespassers, and therefore ought

continually to beseech his divine majesty to blot our transgressions out of

his memory, yet was it, by the help and grace of God, without all manner of

reproach before men.

Wherefore, if those qualities of the mind but shine in thee wherewith I am

endowed, as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my body, thou wilt be

esteemed by all men to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the

immortality of our name.  But, if otherwise, I shall truly take but small

pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me, which is the

body, would abide in thee, and the best, to wit, that which is the soul,

and by which our name continues blessed amongst men, would be degenerate

and abastardized.  This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of

thy virtue, which I have heretofore already tried, but to encourage thee

yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better.  And that which I now

write unto thee is not so much that thou shouldst live in this virtuous

course, as that thou shouldst rejoice in so living and having lived, and

cheer up thyself with the like resolution in time to come; to the

prosecution and accomplishment of which enterprise and generous undertaking

thou mayst easily remember how that I have spared nothing, but have so

helped thee, as if I had had no other treasure in this world but to see

thee once in my life completely well-bred and accomplished, as well in

virtue, honesty, and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and civility, and

so to leave thee after my death as a mirror representing the person of me

thy father, and if not so excellent, and such in deed as I do wish thee,

yet such in my desire.

But although my deceased father of happy memory, Grangousier, had bent his

best endeavours to make me profit in all perfection and political

knowledge, and that my labour and study was fully correspondent to, yea,

went beyond his desire, nevertheless, as thou mayest well understand, the

time then was not so proper and fit for learning as it is at present,

neither had I plenty of such good masters as thou hast had.  For that time

was darksome, obscured with clouds of ignorance, and savouring a little of

the infelicity and calamity of the Goths, who had, wherever they set

footing, destroyed all good literature, which in my age hath by the divine

goodness been restored unto its former light and dignity, and that with

such amendment and increase of the knowledge, that now hardly should I be

admitted unto the first form of the little grammar-schoolboys--I say, I,

who in my youthful days was, and that justly, reputed the most learned of

that age.  Which I do not speak in vain boasting, although I might lawfully

do it in writing unto thee--in verification whereof thou hast the authority

of Marcus Tullius in his book of old age, and the sentence of Plutarch in

the book entitled How a man may praise himself without envy--but to give

thee an emulous encouragement to strive yet further.

Now is it that the minds of men are qualified with all manner of

discipline, and the old sciences revived which for many ages were extinct.

Now it is that the learned languages are to their pristine purity restored,

viz., Greek, without which a man may be ashamed to account himself a

scholar, Hebrew, Arabic, Chaldaean, and Latin.  Printing likewise is now in

use, so elegant and so correct that better cannot be imagined, although it

was found out but in my time by divine inspiration, as by a diabolical

suggestion on the other side was the invention of ordnance.  All the world

is full of knowing men, of most learned schoolmasters, and vast libraries;

and it appears to me as a truth, that neither in Plato’s time, nor

Cicero’s, nor Papinian’s, there was ever such conveniency for studying as

we see at this day there is.  Nor must any adventure henceforward to come

in public, or present himself in company, that hath not been pretty well

polished in the shop of Minerva.  I see robbers, hangmen, freebooters,

tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of the very rubbish of the people, more

learned now than the doctors and preachers were in my time.

What shall I say?  The very women and children have aspired to this praise

and celestial manner of good learning.  Yet so it is that, in the age I am

now of, I have been constrained to learn the Greek tongue--which I

contemned not like Cato, but had not the leisure in my younger years to

attend the study of it--and take much delight in the reading of Plutarch’s

Morals, the pleasant Dialogues of Plato, the Monuments of Pausanias, and

the Antiquities of Athenaeus, in waiting on the hour wherein God my Creator

shall call me and command me to depart from this earth and transitory

pilgrimage.  Wherefore, my son, I admonish thee to employ thy youth to

profit as well as thou canst, both in thy studies and in virtue.  Thou art

at Paris, where the laudable examples of many brave men may stir up thy

mind to gallant actions, and hast likewise for thy tutor and pedagogue the

learned Epistemon, who by his lively and vocal documents may instruct thee

in the arts and sciences.

I intend, and will have it so, that thou learn the languages perfectly;

first of all the Greek, as Quintilian will have it; secondly, the Latin;

and then the Hebrew, for the Holy Scripture sake; and then the Chaldee and

Arabic likewise, and that thou frame thy style in Greek in imitation of

Plato, and for the Latin after Cicero.  Let there be no history which thou

shalt not have ready in thy memory; unto the prosecuting of which design,

books of cosmography will be very conducible and help thee much.  Of the

liberal arts of geometry, arithmetic, and music, I gave thee some taste

when thou wert yet little, and not above five or six years old.  Proceed

further in them, and learn the remainder if thou canst.  As for astronomy,

study all the rules thereof.  Let pass, nevertheless, the divining and

judicial astrology, and the art of Lullius, as being nothing else but plain

abuses and vanities.  As for the civil law, of that I would have thee to

know the texts by heart, and then to confer them with philosophy.

Now, in matter of the knowledge of the works of nature, I would have thee

to study that exactly, and that so there be no sea, river, nor fountain, of

which thou dost not know the fishes; all the fowls of the air; all the

several kinds of shrubs and trees, whether in forests or orchards; all the

sorts of herbs and flowers that grow upon the ground; all the various

metals that are hid within the bowels of the earth; together with all the

diversity of precious stones that are to be seen in the orient and south

parts of the world.  Let nothing of all these be hidden from thee.  Then

fail not most carefully to peruse the books of the Greek, Arabian, and

Latin physicians, not despising the Talmudists and Cabalists; and by

frequent anatomies get thee the perfect knowledge of the other world,

called the microcosm, which is man.  And at some hours of the day apply thy

mind to the study of the Holy Scriptures; first in Greek, the New

Testament, with the Epistles of the Apostles; and then the Old Testament in

Hebrew.  In brief, let me see thee an abyss and bottomless pit of

knowledge; for from henceforward, as thou growest great and becomest a man,

thou must part from this tranquillity and rest of study, thou must learn

chivalry, warfare, and the exercises of the field, the better thereby to

defend my house and our friends, and to succour and protect them at all

their needs against the invasion and assaults of evildoers.

Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited,

which thou canst not better do than by maintaining publicly theses and

conclusions in all arts against all persons whatsoever, and by haunting the

company of learned men, both at Paris and otherwhere.  But because, as the

wise man Solomon saith, Wisdom entereth not into a malicious mind, and that

knowledge without conscience is but the ruin of the soul, it behoveth thee

to serve, to love, to fear God, and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all

thy hope, and by faith formed in charity to cleave unto him, so that thou

mayst never be separated from him by thy sins.  Suspect the abuses of the

world.  Set not thy heart upon vanity, for this life is transitory, but the

Word of the Lord endureth for ever.  Be serviceable to all thy neighbours,

and love them as thyself.  Reverence thy preceptors:  shun the conversation

of those whom thou desirest not to resemble, and receive not in vain the

graces which God hath bestowed upon thee.  And, when thou shalt see that

thou hast attained to all the knowledge that is to be acquired in that

part, return unto me, that I may see thee and give thee my blessing before

I die.  My son, the peace and grace of our Lord be with thee.  Amen.

    Thy father Gargantua.

  From Utopia the 17th day of the month of March.

These letters being received and read, Pantagruel plucked up his heart,

took a fresh courage to him, and was inflamed with a desire to profit in

his studies more than ever, so that if you had seen him, how he took pains,

and how he advanced in learning, you would have said that the vivacity of

his spirit amidst the books was like a great fire amongst dry wood, so

active it was, vigorous and indefatigable.

Chapter 2.IX.

How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he loved all his lifetime.

One day, as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the city, towards St.

Anthony’s abbey, discoursing and philosophating with his own servants and

some other scholars, (he) met with a young man of very comely stature and

surpassing handsome in all the lineaments of his body, but in several parts

thereof most pitifully wounded; in such bad equipage in matter of his

apparel, which was but tatters and rags, and every way so far out of order

that he seemed to have been a-fighting with mastiff-dogs, from whose fury

he had made an escape; or to say better, he looked, in the condition

wherein he then was, like an apple-gatherer of the country of Perche.

As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by, Do you

see that man there, who is a-coming hither upon the road from Charenton

bridge?  By my faith, he is only poor in fortune; for I may assure you that

by his physiognomy it appeareth that nature hath extracted him from some

rich and noble race, and that too much curiosity hath thrown him upon

adventures which possibly have reduced him to this indigence, want, and

penury.  Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me

entreat you, friend, that you may be pleased to stop here a little and

answer me to that which I shall ask you, and I am confident you will not

think your time ill bestowed; for I have an extreme desire, according to my

ability, to give you some supply in this distress wherein I see you are;

because I do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves me to great

pity.  Therefore, my friend, tell me who you are; whence you come; whither

you go; what you desire; and what your name is.  The companion answered him

in the German (The first edition reads “Dutch.”) tongue, thus:

‘Junker, Gott geb euch gluck und heil.  Furwahr, lieber Junker, ich lasz

euch wissen, das da ihr mich von fragt, ist ein arm und erbarmlich Ding,

und wer viel darvon zu sagen, welches euch verdrussig zu horen, und mir zu

erzelen wer, wiewol die Poeten und Oratorn vorzeiten haben gesagt in ihren

Spruchen und Sentenzen, dasz die gedechtniss des Elends und Armuth

vorlangst erlitten ist eine grosse Lust.’  My friend, said Pantagruel, I

have no skill in that gibberish of yours; therefore, if you would have us

to understand you, speak to us in some other language.  Then did the droll

answer him thus:

‘Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio falbroth ringuam albaras.

Nin portzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben ensouim;

kuthim al dum alkatim nim broth dechoth porth min michais im endoth, pruch

dalmaisoulum hol moth danfrihim lupaldas in voldemoth.  Nin hur diavosth

mnarbotim dalgousch palfrapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dal chinon, min

foulchrich al conin brutathen doth dal prin.’  Do you understand none of

this? said Pantagruel to the company.  I believe, said Epistemon, that this

is the language of the Antipodes, and such a hard one that the devil

himself knows not what to make of it.  Then said Pantagruel, Gossip, I know

not if the walls do comprehend the meaning of your words, but none of us

here doth so much as understand one syllable of them.  Then said my blade

again:

‘Signor mio, voi vedete per essempio, che la cornamusa non suona mai,

s’ella non ha il ventre pieno.  Cosi io parimente non vi saprei contare le

mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la solita refettione.  Al

quale e adviso che le mani et li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine

naturale et del tutto annichilati.’  To which Epistemon answered, As much

of the one as of the other, and nothing of either.  Then said Panurge:

‘Lord, if you be so virtuous of intelligence as you be naturally relieved

to the body, you should have pity of me.  For nature hath made us equal,

but fortune hath some exalted and others deprived; nevertheless is virtue

often deprived and the virtuous men despised; for before the last end none

is good.’  (The following is the passage as it stands in the first edition.

Urquhart seems to have rendered Rabelais’ indifferent English into worse

Scotch, and this, with probably the use of contractions in his MS., or ‘the

oddness’ of handwriting which he owns to in his Logopandecteision (p.419,

Mait. Club. Edit.), has led to a chaotic jumble, which it is nearly

impossible to reduce to order.--Instead of any attempt to do so, it is here

given verbatim: ‘Lard gestholb besua virtuisbe intelligence:  ass yi body

scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme pety have; for natur hass visse

equaly maide bot fortune sum exaiti hesse andoyis deprevit:  non yeless

iviss mou virtiuss deprevit, and virtuiss men decreviss for anen ye

ladeniss non quid.’  Here is a morsel for critical ingenuity to fix its

teeth in.--M.)  Yet less, said Pantagruel.  Then said my jolly Panurge:

‘Jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde versela ysser

landa.  Anbat es otoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray proposian ordine

den.  Non yssena bayta facheria egabe gen herassy badia sadassu noura

assia.  Aran hondavan gualde cydassu naydassuna.  Estou oussyc eg vinan

soury hien er darstura eguy harm.  Genicoa plasar vadu.’  Are you there,

said Eudemon, Genicoa?  To this said Carpalim, St. Trinian’s rammer

unstitch your bum, for I had almost understood it.  Then answered Panurge:

‘Prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi drhds pag brlelang Gravot Chavigny

Pomardiere rusth pkaldracg Deviniere pres Nays.  Couille kalmuch monach

drupp del meupplist rincq drlnd dodelb up drent loch minc stz rinq jald de

vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards.’  Do you speak Christian, said

Epistemon, or the buffoon language, otherwise called Patelinois?  Nay, it

is the puzlatory tongue, said another, which some call Lanternois.  Then

said Panurge:

‘Heere, ik en spreeke anders geen taele dan kersten taele:  my dunkt

noghtans, al en seg ik u niet een wordt, mynen noot verklaert genoegh wat

ik begeere:  geeft my uyt bermhertigheit yets waar van ik gevoet magh zyn.’

To which answered Pantagruel, As much of that.  Then said Panurge:

‘Sennor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque yo suplico a vuestra

reverentia que mire a los preceptos evangelicos, para que ellos movan

vuestra reverentia a lo que es de conscientia; y si ellos non bastaren,

para mouer vuestra reverentia a piedad, yo suplico que mire a la piedad

natural, la qual yo creo que le movera como es de razon: y con esso non

digo mas.’  Truly, my friend, (said Pantagruel,) I doubt not but you can

speak divers languages; but tell us that which you would have us to do for

you in some tongue which you conceive we may understand.  Then said the

companion:

‘Min Herre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede, ligesom baern, oc uskellige

creatuure:  Mine klaedebon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser alligeuel klarlig

huad ting mig best behof gioris, som er sandelig mad oc dricke:  Huorfor

forbarme dig ofuer mig, oc befal at giue mig noguet, af huilcket ieg kand

slyre min giaeendis mage, ligeruiis som mand Cerbero en suppe forsetter:

Saa skalt du lefue laenge oc lycksalig.’  I think really, said Eusthenes,

that the Goths spoke thus of old, and that, if it pleased God, we would all

of us speak so with our tails.  Then again said Panurge:

‘Adon, scalom lecha:  im ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeherah thithen li

kikar lehem:  chanchat ub laah al Adonai cho nen ral.’  To which answered

Epistemon, At this time have I understood him very well; for it is the

Hebrew tongue most rhetorically pronounced.  Then again said the gallant:

‘Despota tinyn panagathe, diati sy mi ouk artodotis? horas gar limo

analiscomenon eme athlion, ke en to metaxy me ouk eleis oudamos, zetis de

par emou ha ou chre.  Ke homos philologi pantes homologousi tote logous te

ke remata peritta hyparchin, hopote pragma afto pasi delon esti.  Entha gar

anankei monon logi isin, hina pragmata (hon peri amphisbetoumen), me

prosphoros epiphenete.’  What?  Said Carpalim, Pantagruel’s footman, It is

Greek, I have understood him.  And how? hast thou dwelt any while in

Greece?  Then said the droll again:

‘Agonou dont oussys vous desdagnez algorou:  nou den farou zamist vous

mariston ulbrou, fousques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton dengoulhoust,

daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflist nougrou.  Agou paston tol

nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhouquys brol pany gou den bascrou

noudous caguons goulfren goul oustaroppassou.’  (In this and the preceding

speeches of Panurge, the Paris Variorum Edition of 1823 has been followed

in correcting Urquhart’s text, which is full of inaccuracies.--M.)

Methinks I understand him, said Pantagruel; for either it is the language

of my country of Utopia, or sounds very like it.  And, as he was about to

have begun some purpose, the companion said:

‘Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasque omnes obtestatus sum, ut si

quae vos pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum proficio

clamans et ejulans.  Sinite, quaeso, sinite, viri impii, quo me fata vocant

abire; nec ultra vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores

veteris illius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur.’

Well, my friend, said Pantagruel, but cannot you speak French?  That I can

do, sir, very well, said the companion, God be thanked.  It is my natural

language and mother tongue, for I was born and bred in my younger years in

the garden of France, to wit, Touraine.  Then, said Pantagruel, tell us

what is your name, and from whence you are come; for, by my faith, I have

already stamped in my mind such a deep impression of love towards you,

that, if you will condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out of my

company, and you and I shall make up another couple of friends such as

Aeneas and Achates were.  Sir, said the companion, my true and proper

Christian name is Panurge, and now I come out of Turkey, to which country I

was carried away prisoner at that time when they went to Metelin with a

mischief.  And willingly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which are

more wonderful than those of Ulysses were; but, seeing that it pleaseth you

to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the offer, protesting

never to leave you should you go to all the devils in hell.  We shall have

therefore more leisure at another time, and a fitter opportunity wherein to

report them; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed;

my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my stomach fierce

and burning, all is ready.  If you will but set me to work, it will be as

good as a balsamum for sore eyes to see me gulch and raven it.  For God’s

sake, give order for it.  Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry

him home and provide him good store of victuals; which being done, he ate

very well that evening, and, capon-like, went early to bed; then slept

until dinner-time the next day, so that he made but three steps and one

leap from the bed to the board.

Chapter 2.X.

How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a controversy, which was wonderfully

obscure and difficult, that, by reason of his just decree therein, he was

reputed to have a most admirable judgment.

Pantagruel, very well remembering his father’s letter and admonitions,

would one day make trial of his knowledge.  Thereupon, in all the

carrefours, that is, throughout all the four quarters, streets, and corners

of the city, he set up conclusions to the number of nine thousand seven

hundred sixty and four, in all manner of learning, touching in them the

hardest doubts that are in any science.  And first of all, in the Fodder

Street he held dispute against all the regents or fellows of colleges,

artists or masters of arts, and orators, and did so gallantly that he

overthrew them and set them all upon their tails.  He went afterwards to

the Sorbonne, where he maintained argument against all the theologians or

divines, for the space of six weeks, from four o’clock in the morning until

six in the evening, except an interval of two hours to refresh themselves

and take their repast.  And at this were present the greatest part of the

lords of the court, the masters of requests, presidents, counsellors, those

of the accompts, secretaries, advocates, and others; as also the sheriffs

of the said town, with the physicians and professors of the canon law.

Amongst which, it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were stubborn

jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he took such course with them

that, for all their ergoes and fallacies, he put their backs to the wall,

gravelled them in the deepest questions, and made it visibly appear to the

world that, compared to him, they were but monkeys and a knot of muffled

calves.  Whereupon everybody began to keep a bustling noise and talk of his

so marvellous knowledge, through all degrees of persons of both sexes, even

to the very laundresses, brokers, roast-meat sellers, penknife makers, and

others, who, when he passed along in the street, would say, This is he! in

which he took delight, as Demosthenes, the prince of Greek orators, did,

when an old crouching wife, pointing at him with her fingers, said, That is

the man.

Now at this same very time there was a process or suit in law depending in

court between two great lords, of which one was called my Lord Kissbreech,

plaintiff of one side, and the other my Lord Suckfist, defendant of the

other; whose controversy was so high and difficult in law that the court of

parliament could make nothing of it.  And therefore, by the commandment of

the king, there were assembled four of the greatest and most learned of all

the parliaments of France, together with the great council, and all the

principal regents of the universities, not only of France, but of England

also and Italy, such as Jason, Philippus Decius, Petrus de Petronibus, and

a rabble of other old Rabbinists.  Who being thus met together, after they

had thereupon consulted for the space of six-and-forty weeks, finding that

they could not fasten their teeth in it, nor with such clearness understand

the case as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it, or

take up the difference betwixt the two aforesaid parties, it did so

grievously vex them that they most villainously conshit themselves for

shame.  In this great extremity one amongst them, named Du Douhet, the

learnedest of all, and more expert and prudent than any of the rest, whilst

one day they were thus at their wits’ end, all-to-be-dunced and

philogrobolized in their brains, said unto them, We have been here, my

masters, a good long space, without doing anything else than trifle away

both our time and money, and can nevertheless find neither brim nor bottom

in this matter, for the more we study about it the less we understand

therein, which is a great shame and disgrace to us, and a heavy burden to

our consciences; yea, such that in my opinion we shall not rid ourselves of

it without dishonour, unless we take some other course; for we do nothing

but dote in our consultations.

See, therefore, what I have thought upon.  You have heard much talking of

that worthy personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath been found to be

learned above the capacity of this present age, by the proofs he gave in

those great disputations which he held publicly against all men.  My

opinion is, that we send for him to confer with him about this business;

for never any man will encompass the bringing of it to an end if he do it

not.

Hereunto all the counsellors and doctors willingly agreed, and according to

that their result having instantly sent for him, they entreated him to be

pleased to canvass the process and sift it thoroughly, that, after a deep

search and narrow examination of all the points thereof, he might forthwith

make the report unto them such as he shall think good in true and legal

knowledge.  To this effect they delivered into his hands the bags wherein

were the writs and pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk and weight

were almost enough to lade four great couillard or stoned asses. But

Pantagruel said unto them, Are the two lords between whom this debate and

process is yet living?  It was answered him, Yes.  To what a devil, then,

said he, serve so many paltry heaps and bundles of papers and copies which

you give me?  Is it not better to hear their controversy from their own

mouths whilst they are face to face before us, than to read these vile

fopperies, which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, diabolical cozenages

of Cepola, pernicious slights and subversions of equity?  For I am sure

that you, and all those through whose hands this process has passed, have

by your devices added what you could to it pro et contra in such sort that,

although their difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at

first, you have obscured it and made it more intricate by the frivolous,

sottish, unreasonable, and foolish reasons and opinions of Accursius,

Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de Imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin,

Alexander, Curtius, and those other old mastiffs, who never understood the

least law of the Pandects, they being but mere blockheads and great tithe

calves, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the

laws; for, as it is most certain, they had not the knowledge either of the

Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the Gothic and barbarian.  The laws,

nevertheless, were first taken from the Greeks, according to the testimony

of Ulpian, L. poster. de origine juris, which we likewise may perceive by

that all the laws are full of Greek words and sentences.  And then we find

that they are reduced into a Latin style the most elegant and ornate that

whole language is able to afford, without excepting that of any that ever

wrote therein, nay, not of Sallust, Varro, Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius,

nor Quintilian.  How then could these old dotards be able to understand

aright the text of the laws who never in their time had looked upon a good

Latin book, as doth evidently enough appear by the rudeness of their style,

which is fitter for a chimney-sweeper, or for a cook or a scullion, than

for a jurisconsult and doctor in the laws?

Furthermore, seeing the laws are excerpted out of the middle of moral and

natural philosophy, how should these fools have understood it, that have,

by G--, studied less in philosophy than my mule?  In respect of human

learning and the knowledge of antiquities and history they were truly laden

with those faculties as a toad is with feathers.  And yet of all this the

laws are so full that without it they cannot be understood, as I intend

more fully to show unto you in a peculiar treatise which on that purpose I

am about to publish.  Therefore, if you will that I take any meddling in

this process, first cause all these papers to be burnt; secondly, make the

two gentlemen come personally before me, and afterwards, when I shall have

heard them, I will tell you my opinion freely without any feignedness or

dissimulation whatsoever.

Some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in all

companies there are more fools than wise men, and that the greater part

always surmounts the better, as saith Titus Livius in speaking of the

Carthaginians.  But the foresaid Du Douhet held the contrary opinion,

maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in affirming

that these records, bills of inquest, replies, rejoinders, exceptions,

depositions, and other such diableries of truth-entangling writs, were but

engines wherewith to overthrow justice and unnecessarily to prolong such

suits as did depend before them; and that, therefore, the devil would carry

them all away to hell if they did not take another course and proceeded not

in times coming according to the prescripts of evangelical and

philosophical equity.  In fine, all the papers were burnt, and the two

gentlemen summoned and personally convented.  At whose appearance before

the court Pantagruel said unto them, Are you they that have this great

difference betwixt you?  Yes, my lord, said they.  Which of you, said

Pantagruel, is the plaintiff?  It is I, said my Lord Kissbreech.  Go to,

then, my friend, said he, and relate your matter unto me from point to

point, according to the real truth, or else, by cock’s body, if I find you

to lie so much as in one word, I will make you shorter by the head, and

take it from off your shoulders to show others by your example that in

justice and judgment men ought to speak nothing but the truth.  Therefore

take heed you do not add nor impair anything in the narration of your case.

Begin.

Chapter 2.XI.

How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel

without an attorney.

Then began Kissbreech in manner as followeth.  My lord, it is true that a

good woman of my house carried eggs to the market to sell.  Be covered,

Kissbreech, said Pantagruel.  Thanks to you, my lord, said the Lord

Kissbreech; but to the purpose.  There passed betwixt the two tropics the

sum of threepence towards the zenith and a halfpenny, forasmuch as the

Riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed with a great sterility of

counterfeit gudgeons and shows without substance, by means of the babbling

tattle and fond fibs seditiously raised between the gibblegabblers and

Accursian gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the Switzers, who had

assembled themselves to the full number of the bumbees and myrmidons to go

a-handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that very time when

they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of the coals to the

country-girls for serving in of the oats to the dogs.  All the night long

they did nothing else, keeping their hands still upon the pot, but

despatch, both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed writs or letters, to

wit, papal commissions commonly called bulls, to stop the boats; for the

tailors and seamsters would have made of the stolen shreds and clippings a

goodly sagbut to cover the face of the ocean, which then was great with

child of a potful of cabbage, according to the opinion of the

hay-bundle-makers.  But the physicians said that by the urine they

could discern no manifest sign of the bustard’s pace, nor how to eat

double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen of the

court should be pleased to give by B.mol express command to the pox not to

run about any longer in gleaning up of coppersmiths and tinkers; for the

jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the

British jig called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in

the fire, and their head in the middle, as goodman Ragot was wont to say.

Ha, my masters, God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his

pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a carter broke his frisking whip,

which was all the wind-instrument he had.  This was done at his return from

the little paltry town, even then when Master Antitus of Cressplots was

licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullery and blockishness,

according to this sentence of the canonists, Beati Dunces, quoniam ipsi

stumblaverunt.  But that which makes Lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of

Bry, is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost;

yet, on afore there, ho! a little rain stills a great wind, and we must

think so, seeing that the sergeant hath propounded the matter so far above

my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not with the benefit

thereof lick their fingers, feathered with ganders, so orbicularly as they

were wont in other things to do.  And we do manifestly see that everyone

acknowledgeth himself to be in the error wherewith another hath been

charged, reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an

ocular inspection in a perspective glass of these things towards the place

in the chimney where hangeth the sign of the wine of forty girths, which

have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels

and pack-saddles of the bankrupt protectionaries of five years’ respite.

Howsoever, at least, he that would not let fly the fowl before the

cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the

memory is often lost with a wayward shoeing.  Well, God keep Theobald

Mitain from all danger!  Then said Pantagruel, Hold there!  Ho, my friend,

soft and fair, speak at leisure and soberly without putting yourself in

choler.  I understand the case,--go on.  Now then, my lord, said

Kissbreech, the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez and audi nos, could

not cover herself with a treacherous backblow, ascending by the wounds and

passions of the privileges of the universities, unless by the virtue of a

warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of her body in covering

them with a hedge of garden-beds; then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst

(thrust) very near to the place where they sell the old rags whereof the

painters of Flanders make great use when they are about neatly to clap on

shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such like fly-fowls, so strange

to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the world doth not lay, seeing

it is so good to hatch.

Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat,

whereupon Pantagruel said unto him, St! by St. Anthony’s belly, doth it

become thee to speak without command?  I sweat here with the extremity of

labour and exceeding toil I take to understand the proceeding of your

mutual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me.  Peace,

in the devil’s name, peace.  Thou shalt be permitted to speak thy bellyful

when this man hath done, and no sooner.  Go on, said he to Kissbreech;

speak calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too much haste.

I perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that the Pragmatical Sanction did make

no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to everyone gave liberty to fart

at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks wherein the liars were

to be crossed with a ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being newly

sharpened at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the

good woman should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue of a

solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes,

which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for

understanding the syntax and construction of old boots.  Therefore John

Calf, her cousin gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, very

seriously advised her not to put herself into the hazard of quagswagging in

the lee, to be scoured with a buck of linen clothes till first she had

kindled the paper.  This counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her

to take nothing and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia

cadit.  Matters thus standing, seeing the masters of the chamber of

accompts or members of that committee did not fully agree amongst

themselves in casting up the number of the Almany whistles, whereof were

framed those spectacles for princes which have been lately printed at

Antwerp, I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the writ, and

that the adverse party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis.  For

that, having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the king, I armed

myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of good

venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked

and cut full of small holes their high-coped caps, to lecher it the better,

and play at in and in.  And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming

from the fair, in so far that many trained bowmen were cast at the muster

and quite rejected, although the chimney-tops were high enough, according to

the proportion of the windgalls in the legs of horses, or of the malanders,

which in the esteem of expert farriers is no better disease, or else the

story of Ronypatifam or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of

a tub or of a roasted horse, savours of apocrypha, and is not an authentic

history.  And by this means there was that year great abundance, throughout

all the country of Artois, of tawny buzzing beetles, to the no small profit

of the gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without

disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it

again.  As for my own part, such is my Christian charity towards my

neighbours, that I could wish from my heart everyone had as good a voice; it

would make us play the better at the tennis and the balloon.  And truly, my

lord, to express the real truth without dissimulation, I cannot but say that

those petty subtle devices which are found out in the etymologizing of

pattens would descend more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for ever

at the millers’ bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by

the king of the Canarians, according to the sentence or judgment given

thereupon, which is to be seen in the registry and records within the

clerk’s office of this house.

And, therefore, my lord, I do most humbly require, that by your lordship

there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with

costs, damages, and interests.  Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this

all you have to say?  Kissbreech answered, Yes, my lord, for I have told

all the tu autem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as

one single word.  You then, said Pantagruel, my Lord of Suckfist, say what

you will, and be brief, without omitting, nevertheless, anything that may

serve to the purpose.

Chapter 2.XII.

How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel.

Then began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth.  My lord, and you my

masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seen in categorical judgment

as we can discern flies in a milkpot, the world’s four oxen had not been so

eaten up with rats, nor had so many ears upon the earth been nibbled away

so scurvily.  For although all that my adversary hath spoken be of a very

soft and downy truth, in so much as concerns the letter and history of the

factum, yet nevertheless the crafty slights, cunning subtleties, sly

cozenages, and little troubling entanglements are hid under the rosepot,

the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits.

Should I endure that, when I am eating my pottage equal with the best, and

that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill, they rudely

come to vex, trouble, and perplex my brains with that antique proverb which

saith,

  Who in his pottage-eating drinks will not,

  When he is dead and buried, see one jot.

And, good lady, how many great captains have we seen in the day of battle,

when in open field the sacrament was distributed in luncheons of the

sanctified bread of the confraternity, the more honestly to nod their

heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tails, to make pretty little

platform leaps in keeping level by the ground?  But now the world is

unshackled from the corners of the packs of Leicester.  One flies out

lewdly and becomes debauched; another, likewise, five, four, and two, and

that at such random that, if the court take not some course therein, it

will make as bad a season in matter of gleaning this year as ever it made,

or it will make goblets.  If any poor creature go to the stoves to

illuminate his muzzle with a cowsherd or to buy winter-boots, and that the

sergeants passing by, or those of the watch, happen to receive the

decoction of a clyster or the fecal matter of a close-stool upon their

rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, should any because of that

make bold to clip the shillings and testers and fry the wooden dishes?

Sometimes, when we think one thing, God does another; and when the sun is

wholly set all beasts are in the shade.  Let me never be believed again, if

I do not gallantly prove it by several people who have seen the light of

the day.

In the year thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a middle-sized

horse, both high and short, of a wool good enough and dyed in grain, as the

goldsmiths assured me, although the notary put an &c. in it, I told really

that I was not a clerk of so much learning as to snatch at the moon with my

teeth; but, as for the butter-firkin where Vulcanian deeds and evidences

were sealed, the rumour was, and the report thereof went current, that

salt-beef will make one find the way to the wine without a candle, though it

were hid in the bottom of a collier’s sack, and that with his drawers on he

were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and such arms,

thighs, and leg-pieces as are requisite for the well frying and broiling of

a swaggering sauciness.  Here is a sheep’s head, and it is well they make a

proverb of this, that it is good to see black cows in burnt wood when one

attains to the enjoyment of his love.  I had a consultation upon this point

with my masters the clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum

that there is nothing like to mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean away

in water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens, and penknives, of Lyons upon

the river of Rhone, dolopym dolopof, tarabin tarabas, tut, prut, pish; for,

incontinently after that armour begins to smell of garlic, the rust will go

near to eat the liver, not of him that wears it, and then do they nothing

else but withstand others’ courses, and wryneckedly set up their bristles

‘gainst one another, in lightly passing over their afternoon’s sleep, and

this is that which maketh salt so dear. My lords, believe not when the said

good woman had with birdlime caught the shoveler fowl, the better before a

sergeant’s witness to deliver the younger son’s portion to him, that the

sheep’s pluck or hog’s haslet did dodge and shrink back in the usurers’

purses, or that there could be anything better to preserve one from the

cannibals than to take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turnips,

and a little of a calf’s chaldern of the best allay that the alchemists have

provided, (and) that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and

burn to dust these pantoufles, muff in muff out, mouflin mouflard, with the

fine sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst they hide themselves in

some petty mouldwarphole, saving always the little slices of bacon.  Now, if

the dice will not favour you with any other throw but ambes-ace and the

chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame,

settle her in a corner of the bed, and whisk me her up drilletrille, there,

there, toureloura la la; which when you have done, take a hearty draught of

the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despite of the frogs, whose fair

coarse bebuskined stockings shall be set apart for the little green geese or

mewed goslings, which, fattened in a coop, take delight to sport themselves

at the wagtail game, waiting for the beating of the metal and heating of the

wax by the slavering drivellers of consolation.

Very true it is, that the four oxen which are in debate, and whereof

mention was made, were somewhat short in memory.  Nevertheless, to

understand the game aright, they feared neither the cormorant nor mallard

of Savoy, which put the good people of my country in great hope that their

children some time should become very skilful in algorism.  Therefore is

it, that by a law rubric and special sentence thereof, that we cannot fail

to take the wolf if we make our hedges higher than the windmill, whereof

somewhat was spoken by the plaintiff.  But the great devil did envy it, and

by that means put the High Dutches far behind, who played the devils in

swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, trink, mein herr, trink,

trink, by two of my table-men in the corner-point I have gained the lurch.

For it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this

saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable, and

were they as copped and high-crested as marsh whoops, if veritably they did

not sacrifice the printer’s pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new edge set upon

them by text letters or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to me,

so that the headband of the book breed not moths or worms in it.  And put

the case that, at the coupling together of the buckhounds, the little

puppies shall have waxed proud before the notary could have given an

account of the serving of his writ by the cabalistic art, it will

necessarily follow, under correction of the better judgment of the court,

that six acres of meadow ground of the greatest breadth will make three

butts of fine ink, without paying ready money; considering that, at the

funeral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in open market for

one and two, that is, deuce ace.  This I may affirm with a safe conscience,

upon my oath of wool.

And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that, when they go to the

counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three

times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing

but bend a crossbow backwards, and wind a horn, if perhaps it be too hot,

and that, by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, immediately after the

sight of the letters, the cows were restored to him.  Such another sentence

after the homeliest manner was pronounced in the seventeenth year, because

of the bad government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the court

to have regard.  I desire to be rightly understood; for truly, I say not

but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may very well

be dispossessed who drink holy water as one would do a weaver’s shuttle,

whereof suppositories are made to those that will not resign, but on the

terms of ell and tell and giving of one thing for another.  Tunc, my lords,

quid juris pro minoribus?  For the common custom of the Salic law is such,

that the first incendiary or firebrand of sedition that flays the cow and

wipes his nose in a full concert of music without blowing in the cobbler’s

stitches, should in the time of the nightmare sublimate the penury of his

member by moss gathered when people are like to founder themselves at the

mess at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white wines of Anjou that

do the fear of the leg in lifting it by horsemen called the gambetta, and

that neck to neck after the fashion of Brittany, concluding as before with

costs, damages, and interests.

After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of

Kissbreech, My friend, have you a mind to make any reply to what is said?

No, my lord, answered Kissbreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and

nothing but the truth.  Therefore, put an end for God’s sake to our

difference, for we are here at great charge.

Chapter 2.XIII.

How Pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference of the two lords.

Then Pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the presidents, counsellors, and

doctors that were there, and said unto them, Come now, my masters, you have

heard vivae vocis oraculo, the controversy that is in question; what do you

think of it?  They answered him, We have indeed heard it, but have not

understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case; and therefore

we beseech you, una voce, and in courtesy request you that you would give

sentence as you think good, and, ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satisfied

with it, and do ratify it with our full consents.  Well, my masters, said

Pantagruel, seeing you are so pleased, I will do it; but I do not truly

find the case so difficult as you make it.  Your paragraph Caton, the law

Frater, the law Gallus, the law Quinque pedum, the law Vinum, the law Si

Dominus, the law Mater, the law Mulier bona, to the law Si quis, the law

Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law Emptor, the law Praetor, the law

Venditor, and a great many others, are far more intricate in my opinion.

After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding

very profoundly, as one may think; for he did groan like an ass whilst they

girth him too hard, with the very intensiveness of considering how he was

bound in conscience to do right to both parties, without varying or

accepting of persons.  Then he returned, sat down, and began to pronounce

sentence as followeth.

Having seen, heard, calculated, and well considered of the difference

between the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist, the court saith unto them,

that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering, and hoariness of the

flickermouse, bravely declining from the estival solstice, to attempt by

private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those who are a little

unwell for having taken a draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and

vexation of the beetles that inhabit the diarodal (diarhomal) climate of an

hypocritical ape on horseback, bending a crossbow backwards, the plaintiff

truly had just cause to calfet, or with oakum to stop the chinks of the

galleon which the good woman blew up with wind, having one foot shod and

the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him, low and stiff in his

conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wild pistaches as there is of hair in

eighteen cows, with as much for the embroiderer, and so much for that.  He

is likewise declared innocent of the case privileged from the knapdardies,

into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; because he could

not jocundly and with fulness of freedom untruss and dung, by the decision

of a pair of gloves perfumed with the scent of bum-gunshot at the

walnut-tree taper, as is usual in his country of Mirebalais.  Slacking,

therefore, the topsail, and letting go the bowline with the brazen bullets,

wherewith the mariners did by way of protestation bake in pastemeat great

store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse, whose hawk’s-bells were made

with a puntinaria, after the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace, and which

his brother-in-law carried in a pannier, lying near to three chevrons or

bordered gules, whilst he was clean out of heart, drooping and crestfallen

by the too narrow sifting, canvassing, and curious examining of the matter

in the angularly doghole of nasty scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the

vermiformal popinjay with the flap made of a foxtail.

But in that he chargeth the defendant that he was a botcher, cheese-eater,

and trimmer of man’s flesh embalmed, which in the arsiversy swagfall tumble

was not found true, as by the defendant was very well discussed.

The court, therefore, doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of

curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like pearls, and

codpieced after the fashion of the country, to be paid unto the said

defendant about the middle of August in May.  But, on the other part, the

defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble for stopping

the caltrops of his throat, troubled and impulregafized, with gabardines

garbled shufflingly, and friends as before, without costs and for cause.

Which sentence being pronounced, the two parties departed both contented

with the decree, which was a thing almost incredible.  For it never came to

pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees

hereafter, that two parties contradictorily contending in judgment be

equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence.  As for

the counsellors and other doctors in the law that were there present, they

were all so ravished with admiration at the more than human wisdom of

Pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so

accurate decision of this so difficult and thorny cause, that their spirits

with the extremity of the rapture being elevated above the pitch of

actuating the organs of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden

ecstasy, wherein they stayed for the space of three long hours, and had

been so as yet in that condition had not some good people fetched store of

vinegar and rose-water to bring them again unto their former sense and

understanding, for the which God be praised everywhere.  And so be it.

Chapter 2.XIV.

How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the

Turks.

The great wit and judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after this made

known unto all the world by setting forth his praises in print, and putting

upon record this late wonderful proof he hath given thereof amongst the

rolls of the crown and registers of the palace, in such sort that everybody

began to say that Solomon, who by a probable guess only, without any

further certainty, caused the child to be delivered to its own mother,

showed never in his time such a masterpiece of wisdom as the good

Pantagruel hath done.  Happy are we, therefore, that have him in our

country.  And indeed they would have made him thereupon master of the

requests and president in the court; but he refused all, very graciously

thanking them for their offer.  For, said he, there is too much slavery in

these offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them,

considering the great corruption that is amongst men.  Which makes me

believe, if the empty seats of angels be not filled with other kind of

people than those, we shall not have the final judgment these seven

thousand, sixty and seven jubilees yet to come, and so Cusanus will be

deceived in his conjecture.  Remember that I have told you of it, and given

you fair advertisement in time and place convenient.

But if you have any hogsheads of good wine, I willingly will accept of a

present of that.  Which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the

best that was in the city, and he drank reasonably well, but poor Panurge

bibbed and boused of it most villainously, for he was as dry as a

red-herring, as lean as a rake, and, like a poor, lank, slender cat, walked

gingerly as if he had trod upon eggs.  So that by someone being admonished,

in the midst of his draught of a large deep bowl full of excellent claret

with these words--Fair and softly, gossip, you suck up as if you were mad

--I give thee to the devil, said he; thou hast not found here thy little

tippling sippers of Paris, that drink no more than the little bird called a

spink or chaffinch, and never take in their beakful of liquor till they be

bobbed on the tails after the manner of the sparrows.  O companion! if I

could mount up as well as I can get down, I had been long ere this above

the sphere of the moon with Empedocles.  But I cannot tell what a devil

this means.  This wine is so good and delicious, that the more I drink

thereof the more I am athirst.  I believe that the shadow of my master

Pantagruel engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the moon doth the

catarrhs and defluxions.  At which word the company began to laugh, which

Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge, what is that which moves you to laugh

so?  Sir, said he, I was telling them that these devilish Turks are very

unhappy in that they never drink one drop of wine, and that though there

were no other harm in all Mahomet’s Alcoran, yet for this one base point of

abstinence from wine which therein is commanded, I would not submit myself

unto their law.  But now tell me, said Pantagruel, how you escaped out of

their hands. By G--, sir, said Panurge, I will not lie to you in one word.

The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbit,

for I was so dry and meagre that otherwise of my flesh they would have made

but very bad meat, and in this manner began to roast me alive.  As they

were thus roasting me, I recommended myself unto the divine grace, having

in my mind the good St. Lawrence, and always hoped in God that he would

deliver me out of this torment.  Which came to pass, and that very

strangely.  For as I did commit myself with all my heart unto God, crying,

Lord God, help me!  Lord God, save me!  Lord God, take me out of this pain

and hellish torture, wherein these traitorous dogs detain me for my

sincerity in the maintenance of thy law!  The roaster or turnspit fell

asleep by the divine will, or else by the virtue of some good Mercury, who

cunningly brought Argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes.  When I saw

that he did no longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him, and perceived

that he was fast asleep.  Then took I up in my teeth a firebrand by the end

where it was not burnt, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, and another

did I throw as well as I could under a field-couch that was placed near to

the chimney, wherein was the straw-bed of my master turnspit.  Presently

the fire took hold in the straw, and from the straw to the bed, and from

the bed to the loft, which was planked and ceiled with fir, after the

fashion of the foot of a lamp.  But the best was, that the fire which I had

cast into the lap of my paltry roaster burnt all his groin, and was

beginning to cease (seize) upon his cullions, when he became sensible of

the danger, for his smelling was not so bad but that he felt it sooner than

he could have seen daylight.  Then suddenly getting up, and in a great

amazement running to the window, he cried out to the streets as high as he

could, Dal baroth, dal baroth, dal baroth, which is as much to say as Fire,

fire, fire.  Incontinently turning about, he came straight towards me to

throw me quite into the fire, and to that effect had already cut the ropes

wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing the cords from off my feet,

when the master of the house hearing him cry Fire, and smelling the smoke

from the very street where he was walking with some other Bashaws and

Mustaphas, ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to

carry away his jewels.  Yet such was his rage, before he could well resolve

how to go about it, that he caught the broach whereon I was spitted and

therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which wound he died there for

want of government or otherwise; for he ran him in with the spit a little

above the navel, towards the right flank, till he pierced the third lappet

of his liver, and the blow slanting upwards from the midriff or diaphragm,

through which it had made penetration, the spit passed athwart the

pericardium or capsule of his heart, and came out above at his shoulders,

betwixt the spondyls or turning joints of the chine of the back and the

left homoplat, which we call the shoulder-blade.

True it is, for I will not lie, that, in drawing the spit out of my body I

fell to the ground near unto the andirons, and so by the fall took some

hurt, which indeed had been greater, but that the lardons, or little slices

of bacon wherewith I was stuck, kept off the blow.  My Bashaw then seeing

the case to be desperate, his house burnt without remission, and all his

goods lost, gave himself over unto all the devils in hell, calling upon

some of them by their names, Grilgoth, Astaroth, Rappalus, and Gribouillis,

nine several times.  Which when I saw, I had above sixpence’ worth of fear,

dreading that the devils would come even then to carry away this fool, and,

seeing me so near him, would perhaps snatch me up to.  I am already,

thought I, half roasted, and my lardons will be the cause of my mischief;

for these devils are very liquorous of lardons, according to the authority

which you have of the philosopher Jamblicus, and Murmault, in the Apology

of Bossutis, adulterated pro magistros nostros.  But for my better security

I made the sign of the cross, crying, Hageos, athanatos, ho theos, and none

came.  At which my rogue Bashaw being very much aggrieved would, in

transpiercing his heart with my spit, have killed himself, and to that

purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter, because it

was not sharp enough.  Whereupon I perceiving that he was not like to work

upon his body the effect which he intended, although he did not spare all

the force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him and said, Master

Bugrino, thou dost here but trifle away thy time, or rashly lose it, for

thou wilt never kill thyself thus as thou doest.  Well, thou mayst hurt or

bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee languish all thy lifetime

most pitifully amongst the hands of the chirurgeons; but if thou wilt be

counselled by me, I will kill thee clear outright, so that thou shalt not

so much as feel it, and trust me, for I have killed a great many others,

who have found themselves very well after it.  Ha, my friend, said he, I

prithee do so, and for thy pains I will give thee my codpiece (budget);

take, here it is, there are six hundred seraphs in it, and some fine

diamonds and most excellent rubies.  And where are they? said Epistemon.

By St. John, said Panurge, they are a good way hence, if they always keep

going.  But where is the last year’s snow?  This was the greatest care that

Villon the Parisian poet took.  Make an end, said Pantagruel, that we may

know how thou didst dress thy Bashaw.  By the faith of an honest man, said

Panurge, I do not lie in one word.  I swaddled him in a scurvy

swathel-binding which I found lying there half burnt, and with my cords tied

him roister-like both hand and foot, in such sort that he was not able to

wince; then passed my spit through his throat, and hanged him thereon,

fastening the end thereof at two great hooks or crampirons, upon which they

did hang their halberds; and then, kindling a fair fire under him, did flame

you up my Milourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a chimney.  With this,

taking his budget and a little javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, I

ran away a fair gallop-rake, and God he knows how I did smell my shoulder of

mutton.

When I was come down into the street, I found everybody come to put out the

fire with store of water, and seeing me so half-roasted, they did naturally

pity my case, and threw all their water upon me, which, by a most joyful

refreshing of me, did me very much good.  Then did they present me with

some victuals, but I could not eat much, because they gave me nothing to

drink but water after their fashion.  Other hurt they did me none, only one

little villainous Turkey knobbreasted rogue came thiefteously to snatch

away some of my lardons, but I gave him such a sturdy thump and sound rap

on the fingers with all the weight of my javelin, that he came no more the

second time.  Shortly after this there came towards me a pretty young

Corinthian wench, who brought me a boxful of conserves, of round Mirabolan

plums, called emblicks, and looked upon my poor robin with an eye of great

compassion, as it was flea-bitten and pinked with the sparkles of the fire

from whence it came, for it reached no farther in length, believe me, than

my knees.  But note that this roasting cured me entirely of a sciatica,

whereunto I had been subject above seven years before, upon that side which

my roaster by falling asleep suffered to be burnt.

Now, whilst they were thus busy about me, the fire triumphed, never ask

how?  For it took hold on above two thousand houses, which one of them

espying cried out, saying, By Mahoom’s belly, all the city is on fire, and

we do nevertheless stand gazing here, without offering to make any relief.

Upon this everyone ran to save his own; for my part, I took my way towards

the gate.  When I was got upon the knap of a little hillock not far off, I

turned me about as did Lot’s wife, and, looking back, saw all the city

burning in a fair fire, whereat I was so glad that I had almost beshit

myself for joy.  But God punished me well for it.  How? said Pantagruel.

Thus, said Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld this jolly fire,

jesting with myself, and saying--Ha! poor flies, ha! poor mice, you will

have a bad winter of it this year; the fire is in your reeks, it is in your

bed-straw--out come more than six, yea, more than thirteen hundred and

eleven dogs, great and small, altogether out of the town, flying away from

the fire.  At the first approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by

the scent of my lecherous half-roasted flesh, and had even then devoured me

in a trice, if my good angel had not well inspired me with the instruction

of a remedy very sovereign against the toothache.  And wherefore, said

Pantagruel, wert thou afraid of the toothache or pain of the teeth?  Wert

thou not cured of thy rheums?  By Palm Sunday, said Panurge, is there any

greater pain of the teeth than when the dogs have you by the legs?  But on

a sudden, as my good angel directed me, I thought upon my lardons, and

threw them into the midst of the field amongst them.  Then did the dogs

run, and fight with one another at fair teeth which should have the

lardons.  By this means they left me, and I left them also bustling with

and hairing one another.  Thus did I escape frolic and lively, gramercy

roastmeat and cookery.

Chapter 2.XV.

How Panurge showed a very new way to build the walls of Paris.

Pantagruel one day, to refresh himself of his study, went a-walking towards

St. Marcel’s suburbs, to see the extravagancy of the Gobeline building, and

to taste of their spiced bread.  Panurge was with him, having always a

flagon under his gown and a good slice of a gammon of bacon; for without

this he never went, saying that it was as a yeoman of the guard to him, to

preserve his body from harm.  Other sword carried he none; and, when

Pantagruel would have given him one, he answered that he needed none, for

that it would but heat his milt.  Yea but, said Epistemon, if thou shouldst

be set upon, how wouldst thou defend thyself?  With great buskinades or

brodkin blows, answered he, provided thrusts were forbidden.  At their

return, Panurge considered the walls of the city of Paris, and in derision

said to Pantagruel, See what fair walls here are!  O how strong they are,

and well fitted to keep geese in a mew or coop to fatten them!  By my

beard, they are competently scurvy for such a city as this is; for a cow

with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them.  O my

friend, said Pantagruel, dost thou know what Agesilaus said when he was

asked why the great city of Lacedaemon was not enclosed with walls?  Lo

here, said he, the walls of the city! in showing them the inhabitants and

citizens thereof, so strong, so well armed, and so expert in military

discipline; signifying thereby that there is no wall but of bones, and that

towns and cities cannot have a surer wall nor better fortification than the

prowess and virtue of the citizens and inhabitants.  So is this city so

strong, by the great number of warlike people that are in it, that they

care not for making any other walls.  Besides, whosoever would go about to

wall it, as Strasbourg, Orleans, or Ferrara, would find it almost

impossible, the cost and charges would be so excessive.  Yea but, said

Panurge, it is good, nevertheless, to have an outside of stone when we are

invaded by our enemies, were it but to ask, Who is below there?  As for the

enormous expense which you say would be needful for undertaking the great

work of walling this city about, if the gentlemen of the town will be

pleased to give me a good rough cup of wine, I will show them a pretty,

strange, and new way, how they may build them good cheap.  How? said

Pantagruel.  Do not speak of it then, answered Panurge, and I will tell it

you.  I see that the sine quo nons, kallibistris, or contrapunctums of the

women of this country are better cheap than stones.  Of them should the

walls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of architecture,

and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping downwards

ridge-wise, like the back of an ass.  The middle-sized ones must be ranked

next, and last of all the least and smallest.  This done, there must be a

fine little interlacing of them, like points of diamonds, as is to be seen

in the great tower of Bourges, with a like number of the nudinnudos,

nilnisistandos, and stiff bracmards, that dwell in amongst the claustral

codpieces.  What devil were able to overthrow such walls?  There is no metal

like it to resist blows, in so far that, if culverin-shot should come to

graze upon it, you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed

fruit of the great pox as small as rain.  Beware, in the name of the devils,

and hold off.  Furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning would fall upon it.

For why?  They are all either blest or consecrated.  I see but one

inconveniency in it.  Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha! said Pantagruel, and what is that?

It is, that the flies would be so liquorish of them that you would wonder,

and would quickly gather there together, and there leave their ordure and

excretions, and so all the work would be spoiled.  But see how that might be

remedied:  they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with fair foxtails,

or great good viedazes, which are ass-pizzles, of Provence.  And to this

purpose I will tell you, as we go to supper, a brave example set down by

Frater Lubinus, Libro de compotationibus mendicantium.

In the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three days since, a

poor lion, walking through the forest of Bieure, and saying his own little

private devotions, passed under a tree where there was a roguish collier

gotten up to cut down wood, who, seeing the lion, cast his hatchet at him

and wounded him enormously in one of his legs; whereupon the lion halting,

he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the forest

to find help, that at last he met with a carpenter, who willingly looked

upon his wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and filled it with moss,

telling him that he must wipe his wound well that the flies might not do

their excrements in it, whilst he should go search for some yarrow or

millefoil, commonly called the carpenter’s herb.  The lion, being thus

healed, walked along in the forest at what time a sempiternous crone and

old hag was picking up and gathering some sticks in the said forest, who,

seeing the lion coming towards her, for fear fell down backwards, in such

sort that the wind blew up her gown, coats, and smock, even as far as above

her shoulders; which the lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she

had taken any hurt by the fall, and thereupon considering her how do you

call it, said, O poor woman, who hath thus wounded thee?  Which words when

he had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he called to come to him saying,

Gossip Reynard, hau, hither, hither, and for cause!  When the fox was come,

he said unto him, My gossip and friend, they have hurt this good woman here

between the legs most villainously, and there is a manifest solution of

continuity.  See how great a wound it is, even from the tail up to the

navel, in measure four, nay full five handfuls and a half.  This is the

blow of a hatchet, I doubt me; it is an old wound, and therefore, that the

flies may not get into it, wipe it lustily well and hard, I prithee, both

within and without; thou hast a good tail, and long.  Wipe, my friend,

wipe, I beseech thee, and in the meanwhile I will go get some moss to put

into it; for thus ought we to succour and help one another.  Wipe it hard,

thus, my friend; wipe it well, for this wound must be often wiped,

otherwise the party cannot be at ease.  Go to, wipe well, my little gossip,

wipe; God hath furnished thee with a tail; thou hast a long one, and of a

bigness proportionable; wipe hard, and be not weary.  A good wiper, who, in

wiping continually, wipeth with his wipard, by wasps shall never be

wounded.  Wipe, my pretty minion; wipe, my little bully; I will not stay

long.  Then went he to get store of moss; and when he was a little way off,

he cried out in speaking to the fox thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe,

and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my little gossip; I will put

thee into service to be wiper to Don Pedro de Castile; wipe, only wipe, and

no more.  The poor fox wiped as hard as he could, here and there, within

and without; but the false old trot did so fizzle and fist that she stunk

like a hundred devils, which put the poor fox to a great deal of ill ease,

for he knew not to what side to turn himself to escape the unsavoury

perfume of this old woman’s postern blasts.  And whilst to that effect he

was shifting hither and thither, without knowing how to shun the annoyance

of those unwholesome gusts, he saw that behind there was yet another hole,

not so great as that which he did wipe, out of which came this filthy and

infectious air.  The lion at last returned, bringing with him of moss more

than eighteen packs would hold, and began to put into the wound with a

staff which he had provided for that purpose, and had already put in full

sixteen packs and a half, at which he was amazed.  What a devil! said he,

this wound is very deep; it would hold above two cartloads of moss.  The

fox, perceiving this, said unto the lion, O gossip lion, my friend, I pray

thee do not put in all thy moss there; keep somewhat, for there is yet here

another little hole, that stinks like five hundred devils; I am almost

choked with the smell thereof, it is so pestiferous and empoisoning.

Thus must these walls be kept from the flies, and wages allowed to some for

wiping of them.  Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know that the privy

parts of women are at such a cheap rate?  For in this city there are many

virtuous, honest, and chaste women besides the maids.  Et ubi prenus? said

Panurge.  I will give you my opinion of it, and that upon certain and

assured knowledge.  I do not brag that I have bumbasted four hundred and

seventeen since I came into this city, though it be but nine days ago; but

this very morning I met with a good fellow, who, in a wallet such as

Aesop’s was, carried two little girls of two or three years old at the

most, one before and the other behind.  He demanded alms of me, but I made

him answer that I had more cods than pence.  Afterwards I asked him, Good

man, these two girls, are they maids?  Brother, said he, I have carried

them thus these two years, and in regard of her that is before, whom I see

continually, in my opinion she is a virgin, nevertheless I will not put my

finger in the fire for it; as for her that is behind, doubtless I can say

nothing.

Indeed, said Pantagruel, thou art a gentle companion; I will have thee to

be apparelled in my livery.  And therefore caused him to be clothed most

gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only that Panurge would

have the codpiece of his breeches three foot long, and in shape square, not

round; which was done, and was well worth the seeing.  Oftentimes was he

wont to say, that the world had not yet known the emolument and utility

that is in wearing great codpieces; but time would one day teach it them,

as all things have been invented in time.  God keep from hurt, said he, the

good fellow whose long codpiece or braguet hath saved his life!  God keep

from hurt him whose long braguet hath been worth to him in one day one

hundred threescore thousand and nine crowns!  God keep from hurt him who by

his long braguet hath saved a whole city from dying by famine!  And, by G-,

I will make a book of the commodity of long braguets when I shall have more

leisure.  And indeed he composed a fair great book with figures, but it is

not printed as yet that I know of.

Chapter 2.XVI.

Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge.

Panurge was of a middle stature, not too high nor too low, and had somewhat

an aquiline nose, made like the handle of a razor.  He was at that time

five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden

dagger--for he was a notable cheater and coney-catcher--he was a very

gallant and proper man of his person, only that he was a little lecherous,

and naturally subject to a kind of disease which at that time they called

lack of money--it is an incomparable grief, yet, notwithstanding, he had

three score and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most

honourable and most ordinary was in manner of thieving, secret purloining

and filching, for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cozener, drinker, roister,

rover, and a very dissolute and debauched fellow, if there were any in

Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most virtuous man

in the world; and he was still contriving some plot, and devising mischief

against the sergeants and the watch.

At one time he assembled three or four especial good hacksters and roaring

boys, made them in the evening drink like Templars, afterwards led them

till they came under St. Genevieve, or about the college of Navarre, and,

at the hour that the watch was coming up that way--which he knew by putting

his sword upon the pavement, and his ear by it, and, when he heard his

sword shake, it was an infallible sign that the watch was near at that

instant--then he and his companions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and gave

it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so

overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other

side; for in less than two days he knew all the streets, lanes, and

turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det.

At another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch was to

pass, a train of gunpowder, and, at the very instant that they went along,

set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had

in running away, thinking that St. Anthony’s fire had caught them by the

legs.  As for the poor masters of arts, he did persecute them above all

others.  When he encountered with any of them upon the street, he would not

never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit

of a fried turd in their graduate hoods, at other times pinning on little

foxtails or hares’-ears behind them, or some such other roguish prank.  One

day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder Street (Sorbonne),

he made a Borbonesa tart, or filthy and slovenly compound, made of store of

garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of dogs’ turds very warm, which he

steeped, tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt matter of pocky boils and

pestiferous botches; and, very early in the morning therewith anointed all

the pavement, in such sort that the devil could not have endured it, which

made all these good people there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was

upon their stomachs before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox;

and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers,

eighteen grew lousy, and about seven and twenty had the pox, but he did not

care a button for it.  He commonly carried a whip under his gown, wherewith

he whipped without remission the pages whom he found carrying wine to their

masters, to make them mend their pace.  In his coat he had above six and

twenty little fobs and pockets always full; one with some lead-water, and a

little knife as sharp as a glover’s needle, wherewith he used to cut

purses; another with some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the

eyes of those he met; another with clotburrs, penned with little geese’ or

capon’s feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people,

and often made them fair horns, which they wore about all the city,

sometimes all their life.  Very often, also, upon the women’s French hoods

would he stick in the hind part somewhat made in the shape of a man’s

member.  In another, he had a great many little horns full of fleas and

lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them

with small canes or quills to write with into the necks of the daintiest

gentlewomen that he could find, yea, even in the church, for he never

seated himself above in the choir, but always sat in the body of the church

amongst the women, both at mass, at vespers, and at sermon.  In another, he

used to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewith he would couple men

and women together that sat in company close to one another, but especially

those that wore gowns of crimson taffeties, that, when they were about to

go away, they might rend all their gowns.  In another, he had a squib

furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other

tackling necessary for it.  In another, two or three burning glasses,

wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the church put

them quite out of countenance; for he said that there was but an

antistrophe, or little more difference than of a literal inversion, between

a woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse, that is, foolish at the mass

and of a pliant buttock.

In another, he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a

thousand little devilish pranks.  One time, at the entry of the palace unto

the great hall, where a certain grey friar or cordelier was to say mass to

the counsellors, he did help to apparel him and put on his vestments, but

in the accoutring of him he sewed on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his

gown and shirt, and then withdrew himself when the said lords of the court

or counsellors came to hear the said mass; but when it came to the Ite,

missa est, that the poor frater would have laid by his stole or surplice,

as the fashion then was, he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt,

which were well sewed together, and thereby stripping himself up to the

very shoulders showed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his

Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine.  And the friar

still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself and lay

open his back parts, till one of the lords of the court said, How now!

what’s the matter?  Will this fair father make us here an offering of his

tail to kiss it?  Nay, St. Anthony’s fire kiss it for us!  From thenceforth

it was ordained that the poor fathers should never disrobe themselves any

more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call

it; especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to the

sin of longing and disordinate desire.  The people then asked why it was

the friars had so long and large genitories?  The said Panurge resolved the

problem very neatly, saying, That which makes asses to have such great ears

is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as Alliaco mentioneth

in his Suppositions.  By the like reason, that which makes the genitories

or generation-tools of those so fair fraters so long is, for that they wear

no bottomed breeches, and therefore their jolly member, having no

impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty as far as it can reach, with a

wiggle-waggle down to their knees, as women carry their paternoster beads.

and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is, that in

this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the said

member.  For, according to the Legists, agitation and continual motion is

cause of attraction.

Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-alum,

whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women whom he judged to

be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some

would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like

a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabor.  Others, again, ran

about the streets, and he would run after them.  To such as were in the

stripping vein he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and

cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man.

Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil, wherewith,

when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit, he would grease,

smutch, and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of

touching them, saying, This is good cloth; this is good satin; good

taffeties!  Madam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth!  You

have a new suit, pretty sir;--and you a new gown, sweet mistress;--God give

you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosperity!  And with this would lay

his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villainous spot was

left behind, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soul, body,

and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away.

Then, upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not fall,

for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your

foot, you will quite spoil yourself.

Another he had all full of euphorbium, very finely pulverized.  In that

powder did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had

stolen from a pretty seamstress of the palace, in taking away a louse from

off her bosom which he had put there himself, and, when he came into the

company of some good ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of some

fine workmanship of bone-lace, then immediately put his hand into their

bosom, asking them, And this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and

then drew out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here

is, it is of Foutignan or of Fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose,

made them sneeze for four hours without ceasing.  In the meanwhile he would

fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do you fart,

Panurge?  No, no, madam, said he, I do but tune my tail to the plain song

of the music which you make with your nose.  In another he had a picklock,

a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, wherewith there

was no door nor coffer which he would not pick open.  He had another full

of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his

fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had

heretofore cried treacle.  And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any

other piece of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox if

Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols (that is, some six or

seven pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly, and manifestly, without making

any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the

wind.

Chapter 2.XVII.

How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit

in law which he had at Paris.

One day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholic, and

silent; which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto

him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your physiognomy,

and I know the disease.  You have a flux in your purse; but take no care.

I have yet sevenpence halfpenny that never saw father nor mother, which

shall not be wanting, no more than the pox, in your necessity.  Whereunto

he answered me, Well, well; for money one day I shall have but too much,

for I have a philosopher’s stone which attracts money out of men’s purses

as the adamant doth iron.  But will you go with me to gain the pardons?

said he.  By my faith, said I, I am no great pardon-taker in this world--if

I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell; yet let us go, in God’s

name; it is but one farthing more or less; But, said he, lend me then a

farthing upon interest.  No, no, said I; I will give it you freely, and

from my heart.  Grates vobis dominos, said he.

So we went along, beginning at St. Gervase, and I got the pardons at the

first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth me.  Then did I

say my small suffrages and the prayers of St. Brigid; but he gained them

all at the boxes, and always gave money to everyone of the pardoners.  From

thence we went to Our Lady’s Church, to St. John’s, to St. Anthony’s, and

so to the other churches, where there was a banquet (bank) of pardons.  For

my part, I gained no more of them, but he at all the boxes kissed the

relics, and gave at everyone.  To be brief, when we were returned, he

brought me to drink at the castle-tavern, and there showed me ten or twelve

of his little bags full of money, at which I blessed myself, and made the

sign of the cross, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in so

little time?  Unto which he answered me that he had taken it out of the

basins of the pardons.  For in giving them the first farthing, said he, I

put it in with such sleight of hand and so dexterously that it appeared to

be a threepence; thus with one hand I took threepence, ninepence, or

sixpence at the least, and with the other as much, and so through all the

churches where we have been.  Yea but, said I, you damn yourself like a

snake, and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person.  True, said he, in

your opinion, but I am not of that mind; for the pardoners do give me it,

when they say unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, Centuplum accipies,

that is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken

according to the manner of the Hebrews, who use the future tense instead of

the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges Dominum, that is, Dilige.

Even so, when the pardon-bearer says to me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning

is, Centuplum accipe; and so doth Rabbi Kimy and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound

it, and all the Massorets, et ibi Bartholus.  Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me

fifteen hundred francs of yearly pension, which in English money is a

hundred and fifty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical revenues and treasure,

for having cured him of a cankerous botch, which did so torment him that he

thought to have been a cripple by it all his life.  Thus I do pay myself at

my own hand, for otherwise I get nothing upon the said ecclesiastical

treasure.  Ho, my friend! said he, if thou didst know what advantage I

made, and how well I feathered my nest, by the Pope’s bull of the crusade,

thou wouldst wonder exceedingly.  It was worth to me above six thousand

florins, in English coin six hundred pounds.  And what a devil is become of

them? said I; for of that money thou hast not one halfpenny.  They returned

from whence they came, said he; they did no more but change their master.

But I employed at least three thousand of them, that is, three hundred

pounds English, in marrying--not young virgins, for they find but too many

husbands--but great old sempiternous trots which had not so much as one

tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had that these

good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at

the close-buttock game to all comers, serving the foremost first, till no

man would have any more dealing with them.  And, by G--, I will have their

skin-coat shaken once yet before they die.  By this means, to one I gave a

hundred florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according

to that they were infamous, detestable, and abominable.  For, by how much

the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must I needs

have given them, otherwise the devil would not have jummed them.  Presently

I went to some great and fat wood-porter, or such like, and did myself make

the match.  But, before I did show him the old hags, I made a fair muster

to him of the crowns, saying, Good fellow, see what I will give thee if

thou wilt but condescend to duffle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good

time.  Then began the poor rogues to gape like old mules, and I caused to

be provided for them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of

spiceries, to put the old women in rut and heat of lust.  To be short, they

occupied all, like good souls; only, to those that were horribly ugly and

ill-favoured, I caused their head to be put within a bag, to hide their

face.

Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law.  And what

lawsuits couldst thou have? said I; thou hast neither house nor lands.  My

friend, said he, the gentlewomen of this city had found out, by the

instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mounted bands and

neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosoms that men

could no more put their hands under.  For they had put the slit behind, and

those neckcloths were wholly shut before, whereat the poor sad

contemplative lovers were much discontented.  Upon a fair Tuesday I

presented a petition to the court, making myself a party against the said

gentlewomen, and showing the great interest that I pretended therein,

protesting that by the same reason I would cause the codpiece of my

breeches to be sewed behind, if the court would not take order for it.  In

sum, the gentlewomen put in their defences, showing the grounds they went

upon, and constituted their attorney for the prosecuting of the cause.  But

I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the court it was

decreed those high neckcloths should be no longer worn if they were not a

little cleft and open before; but it cost me a good sum of money.  I had

another very filthy and beastly process against the dung-farmer called

Master Fifi and his deputies, that they should no more read privily the

pipe, puncheon, nor quart of sentences, but in fair full day, and that in

the Fodder schools, in face of the Arrian (Artitian) sophisters, where I

was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mistaken in the

relation of the sergeant.  Another time I framed a complaint to the court

against the mules of the presidents, counsellors, and others, tending to

this purpose, that, when in the lower court of the palace they left them to

champ on their bridles, some bibs were made for them (by the counsellors’

wives), that with their drivelling they might not spoil the pavement; to

the end that the pages of the palace what play upon it with their dice, or

at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches

at the knees.  And for this I had a fair decree, but it cost me dear.  Now

reckon up what expense I was at in little banquets which from day to day I

made to the pages of the palace.  And to what end? said I.  My friend, said

he, thou hast no pastime at all in this world.  I have more than the king,

and if thou wilt join thyself with me, we will do the devil together.  No,

no, said I; by St. Adauras, that will I not, for thou wilt be hanged one

time or another.  And thou, said he, wilt be interred some time or other.

Now which is most honourable, the air or the earth?  Ho, grosse pecore!

Whilst the pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and to

someone I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side till it hang but by

a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffguts of the counsellor or

some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side

like a pork, and so furnish the spectators with more than a hundred francs’

worth of laughter.  But I laugh yet further to think how at his home-coming

the master-page is to be whipped like green rye, which makes me not to

repent what I have bestowed in feasting them.  In brief, he had, as I said

before, three score and three ways to acquire money, but he had two hundred

and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking.

Chapter 2.XVIII.

How a great scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and

was overcome by Panurge.

In that same time a certain learned man named Thaumast, hearing the fame

and renown of Pantagruel’s incomparable knowledge, came out of his own

country of England with an intent only to see him, to try thereby and prove

whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it was reported to be.  In

this resolution being arrived at Paris, he went forthwith unto the house of

the said Pantagruel, who was lodged in the palace of St. Denis, and was

then walking in the garden thereof with Panurge, philosophizing after the

fashion of the Peripatetics.  At his first entrance he startled, and was

almost out of his wits for fear, seeing him so great and so tall.  Then did

he salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, Very true it

is, saith Plato the prince of philosophers, that if the image and knowledge

of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, it would stir

up all the world to admire her.  Which we may the rather believe that the

very bare report thereof, scattered in the air, if it happen to be received

into the ears of men, who, for being studious and lovers of virtuous things

are called philosophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet,

but so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to run unto the place where

the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said to have built her temple

and uttered her oracles.  As it was manifestly shown unto us in the Queen

of Sheba, who came from the utmost borders of the East and Persian Sea, to

see the order of Solomon’s house and to hear his wisdom; in Anacharsis, who

came out of Scythia, even unto Athens, to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who

travelled far to visit the memphitical vaticinators; in Plato, who went a

great way off to see the magicians of Egypt, and Architus of Tarentum; in

Apollonius Tyaneus, who went as far as unto Mount Caucasus, passed along

the Scythians, the Massagetes, the Indians, and sailed over the great river

Phison, even to the Brachmans to see Hiarchus; as likewise unto Babylon,

Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Parthia, Syria, Phoenicia, Arabia, Palestina, and

Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, to see the Gymnosophists.  The like

example have we of Titus Livius, whom to see and hear divers studious

persons came to Rome from the confines of France and Spain.  I dare not

reckon myself in the number of those so excellent persons, but well would

be called studious, and a lover, not only of learning, but of learned men

also.  And indeed, having heard the report of your so inestimable

knowledge, I have left my country, my friends, my kindred, and my house,

and am come thus far, valuing at nothing the length of the way, the

tediousness of the sea, nor strangeness of the land, and that only to see

you and to confer with you about some passages in philosophy, of geomancy,

and of the cabalistic art, whereof I am doubtful and cannot satisfy my

mind; which if you can resolve, I yield myself unto you for a slave

henceforward, together with all my posterity, for other gift have I none

that I can esteem a recompense sufficient for so great a favour.  I will

reduce them into writing, and to-morrow publish them to all the learned men

in the city, that we may dispute publicly before them.

But see in what manner I mean that we shall dispute.  I will not argue pro

et contra, as do the sottish sophisters of this town and other places.

Likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academics by

declamation; nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont to do, and as Picus

de la Mirandula did of late at Rome.  But I will dispute by signs only

without speaking, for the matters are so abstruse, hard, and arduous, that

words proceeding from the mouth of man will never be sufficient for

unfolding of them to my liking.  May it, therefore, please your

magnificence to be there; it shall be at the great hall of Navarre at seven

o’clock in the morning.  When he had spoken these words, Pantagruel very

honourably said unto him:  Sir, of the graces that God hath bestowed upon

me, I would not deny to communicate unto any man to my power.  For whatever

comes from him is good, and his pleasure is that it should be increased

when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial manna of

honest literature.  In which number, because that in this time, as I do

already very plainly perceive, thou holdest the first rank, I give thee

notice that at all hours thou shalt find me ready to condescend to every

one of thy requests according to my poor ability; although I ought rather

to learn of thee than thou of me.  But, as thou hast protested, we will

confer of these doubts together, and will seek out the resolution, even

unto the bottom of that undrainable well where Heraclitus says the truth

lies hidden.  And I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast

proposed, to wit, by signs without speaking; for by this means thou and I

shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be free from this

clapping of hands which these blockish sophisters make when any of the

arguers hath gotten the better of the argument.  Now to-morrow I will not

fail to meet thee at the place and hour that thou hast appointed, but let

me entreat thee that there be not any strife or uproar between us, and that

we seek not the honour and applause of men, but the truth only.  To which

Thaumast answered:  The Lord God maintain you in his favour and grace, and,

instead of my thankfulness to you, pour down his blessings upon you, for

that your highness and magnificent greatness hath not disdained to descend

to the grant of the request of my poor baseness.  So farewell till

to-morrow!  Farewell, said Pantagruel.

Gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that ever men

were more elevated and transported in their thoughts than all this night

were both Thaumast and Pantagruel; for the said Thaumast said to the keeper

of the house of Cluny, where he was lodged, that in all his life he had

never known himself so dry as he was that night.  I think, said he, that

Pantagruel held me by the throat.  Give order, I pray you, that we may have

some drink, and see that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargle my

palate.  On the other side, Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he

could, entering into very deep and serious meditations, and did nothing all

that night but dote upon and turn over the book of Beda, De numeris et

signis; Plotin’s book, De inenarrabilibus; the book of Proclus, De magia;

the book of Artemidorus peri Oneirokritikon; of Anaxagoras, peri Zemeion;

Dinarius, peri Aphaton; the books of Philiston; Hipponax, peri

Anekphoneton, and a rabble of others, so long, that Panurge said unto him:

My lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for I perceive your

spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may

easily fall into some quotidian fever with this so excessive thinking and

plodding.  But, having first drunk five and twenty or thirty good draughts,

retire yourself and sleep your fill, for in the morning I will argue

against and answer my master the Englishman, and if I drive him not ad

metam non loqui, then call me knave.  Yea but, said he, my friend Panurge,

he is marvellously learned; how wilt thou be able to answer him?  Very

well, answered Panurge; I pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone.

Is any man so learned as the devils are?  No, indeed, said Pantagruel,

without God’s especial grace.  Yet for all that, said Panurge, I have

argued against them, gravelled and blanked them in disputation, and laid

them so squat upon their tails that I have made them look like monkeys.

Therefore be assured that to-morrow I will make this vain-glorious

Englishman to skite vinegar before all the world.  So Panurge spent the

night with tippling amongst the pages, and played away all the points of

his breeches at primus secundus and at peck point, in French called La

Vergette.  Yet, when the condescended on time was come, he failed not to

conduct his master Pantagruel to the appointed place, unto which, believe

me, there was neither great nor small in Paris but came, thinking with

themselves that this devilish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished

in dispute all these doting fresh-water sophisters, would now get full

payment and be tickled to some purpose.  For this Englishman is a terrible

bustler and horrible coil-keeper.  We will see who will be conqueror, for

he never met with his match before.

Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them, and then, when

Pantagruel and Panurge came into the hall, all the schoolboys, professors

of arts, senior sophisters, and bachelors began to clap their hands, as

their scurvy custom is.  But Pantagruel cried out with a loud voice, as if

it had been the sound of a double cannon, saying, Peace, with a devil to

you, peace!  By G--, you rogues, if you trouble me here, I will cut off the

heads of everyone of you.  At which words they remained all daunted and

astonished like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although

they had swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers.  Withal they grew so dry

with this only voice, that they laid out their tongues a full half foot

beyond their mouths, as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats.  Then

began Panurge to speak, saying to the Englishman, Sir, are you come hither

to dispute contentiously in those propositions you have set down, or,

otherwise, but to learn and know the truth?  To which answered Thaumast,

Sir, no other thing brought me hither but the great desire I had to learn

and to know that of which I have doubted all my life long, and have neither

found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of those doubts

which I have proposed.  And, as for disputing contentiously, I will not do

it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish

sophisters who in their disputes do not search for the truth, but for

contradiction only and debate.  Then said Panurge, If I, who am but a mean

and inconsiderable disciple of my master my lord Pantagruel, content and

satisfy you in all and everything, it were a thing below my said master

wherewith to trouble him.  Therefore is it fitter that he be chairman, and

sit as a judge and moderator of our discourse and purpose, and give you

satisfaction in many things wherein perhaps I shall be wanting to your

expectation.  Truly, said Thaumast, it is very well said; begin then.  Now

you must note that Panurge had set at the end of his long codpiece a pretty

tuft of red silk, as also of white, green, and blue, and within it had put

a fair orange.

Chapter 2.XIX.

How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman that argued by signs.

Everybody then taking heed, and hearkening with great silence, the

Englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally, clunching

in all the tops of his fingers together, after the manner which, a la

Chinonnese, they call the hen’s arse, and struck the one hand on the other

by the nails four several times.  Then he, opening them, struck the one

with the flat of the other till it yielded a clashing noise, and that only

once.  Again, in joining them as before, he struck twice, and afterwards

four times in opening them.  Then did he lay them joined, and extended the

one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers

unto God.  Panurge suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, and put

the thumb thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding his four

fingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point of

his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink with a

profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids.  Then lifted he up his

left hand, with hard wringing and stretching forth his four fingers and

elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly correspondent to the

situation of his right hand, with the distance of a cubit and a half

between them.  This done, in the same form he abased towards the ground

about the one and the other hand.  Lastly, he held them in the midst, as

aiming right at the Englishman’s nose.  And if Mercury,--said the

Englishman.  There Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken,

Mask.

Then made the Englishman this sign.  His left hand all open he lifted up

into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof,

and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose.

Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased

and bent it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where

the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four

right-hand fingers he softly moved in the air.  Then contrarily he did with

the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he

had done with the right.

Panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his

trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a

truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of

black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the

fingers of that hand in good symmetry; then, knocking them together, made

such a noise as the lepers of Brittany use to do with their clappering

clickets, yet better resounding and far more harmonious, and with his

tongue contracted in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking

fixedly upon the Englishman.  The divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that

were there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the

Englishman was a leper.  The counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists

conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal

felicity to consist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained heretofore.

The Englishman for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two

hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the three

master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or

foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers remained

extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge.  Then

joined he them so that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little

finger touched the right.  Hereat Panurge, without speaking one word, lift

up his hands and made this sign.

He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of the thumb

of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and

of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the

forefinger, which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of

the left hand.  Then stretched he out the forefinger and middle finger or

medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and

thrusting them towards Thaumast.  Then did he put the thumb of his left

hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the

wing of a bird or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way

and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his

right eye.  Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and

made him this sign.

With the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the muscle of

the palm or pulp which is under the thumb.  Then put he the forefinger of

the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under, and not

over, as Panurge did.  Then Panurge knocked one hand against another, and

blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the

overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out.  Then held he

out his chin, most intentively looking upon Thaumast.  The people there,

which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that therein he

demanded, without speaking a word to Thaumast, What do you mean by that?

In effect, Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the

spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation.  Then he

bethought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those of

his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and with

this sign lift up his hands as high as he could.  Whereupon Panurge

presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little

finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his

teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower.  With this

Thaumast, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising

let a great baker’s fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very

strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell.  The company began to

stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish and

perplexity.  Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort

that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left

hand he laid flat upon his breast.  Whereat Panurge drew out his long

codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding

it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange,

and, casting it up into the air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the

fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to

shake his fair codpiece, showing it to Thaumast.

After that, Thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a

bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig’s bladder.  Whereupon

Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some called

St. Patrick’s hole, and with his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner

as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth.  This

done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it,

making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if it came from the

superficies of the midriff through the trachiartery or pipe of the lungs,

and this he did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did always keep blowing

like a goose.  Then Panurge put the forefinger of his right hand into his

mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out,

and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot pellets out of the

pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an alder-tree, and

he did it nine times.

Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my masters, a great secret!  With this he put

in his hand up to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that he had, holding it

by the point downwards.  Whereat Panurge took his long codpiece, and shook

it as hard as he could against his thighs; then put his two hands entwined

in manner of a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as far as he was

able, and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready to die.

Ha, I understand, said Thaumast, but what? making such a sign that he put

the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the

flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers.  Whereat

Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle finger into

his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright.  Then he crossed his two

arms upon his breast and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he

struck his right foot against the ground.  Then he lift up his left arm,

and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumb against his

forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his breast.  But

Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the

top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand, whereupon Panurge set

his two master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as

he was able, and widening it so that he showed all his teeth, and with his

two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, making therewith a very

ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the company.

Chapter 2.XX.

How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of Panurge.

Then Panurge rose up, and, putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the

said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were

there:  My lords, gentlemen, and others, at this time may I to some good

purpose speak that evangelical word, Et ecce plus quam Salomon hic!  You

have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my lord

Pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very

heart of England, to confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in

magic, alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, which I had

in my mind.  But at present I am angry even with fame itself, which I think

was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth part of the

worth that indeed is in him.  You have seen how his disciple only hath

satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him.  Besides, he hath

opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein I can assure

you he hath to me discovered the very true well, fountain, and abyss of the

encyclopaedia of learning; yea, in such a sort that I did not think I

should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear in so

much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signs,

without speaking either word or half word.  But, in fine, I will reduce

into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world may not

take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed,

that everyone may learn as I have done.  Judge, then, what the master had

been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est

discipulus super magistrum.  Howsoever, God be praised! and I do very

humbly thank you for the honour that you have done us at this act.  God

reward you for it eternally!  The like thanks gave Pantagruel to all the

company, and, going from thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner with him,

and believe that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the

phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies (for in that age they made fast their

bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars of our doublets or jerkins),

even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they came.  Blessed

Lady, how they did carouse it, and pluck, as we say, at the kid’s leather!

And flagons to trot, and they to toot, Draw; give, page, some wine here;

reach hither; fill with a devil, so!  There was not one but did drink five

and twenty or thirty pipes.  Can you tell how?  Even sicut terra sine aqua;

for the weather was hot, and, besides that, they were very dry.  In matter

of the exposition of the propositions set down by Thaumast, and the

signification of the signs which they used in their disputation, I would

have set them down for you according to their own relation, but I have been

told that Thaumast made a great book of it, imprinted at London, wherein he

hath set down all, without omitting anything, and therefore at this time I

do pass by it.

Chapter 2.XXI.

How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris.

Panurge began to be in great reputation in the city of Paris by means of

this disputation wherein he prevailed against the Englishman, and from

thenceforth made his codpiece to be very useful to him.  To which effect he

had it pinked with pretty little embroideries after the Romanesca fashion.

And the world did praise him publicly, in so far that there was a song made

of him, which little children did use to sing when they were to fetch

mustard.  He was withal made welcome in all companies of ladies and

gentlewomen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to

bring to his lure one of the greatest ladies in the city.  And, indeed,

leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily

these dolent contemplative lent-lovers make who never meddle with the

flesh, one day he said unto her, Madam, it would be a very great benefit to

the commonwealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and

necessary for me, that I cover you for the propagating of my race, and

believe it, for experience will teach it you.  The lady at this word thrust

him back above a hundred leagues, saying, You mischievous fool, is it for

you to talk thus unto me?  Whom do you think you have in hand?  Begone,

never to come in my sight again; for, if one thing were not, I would have

your legs and arms cut off.  Well, said he, that were all one to me, to

want both legs and arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout together

at the brangle-buttock game; for herewithin is--in showing her his long

codpiece--Master John Thursday, who will play you such an antic that you

shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very marrow of your bones.  He

is a gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all the corners,

creeks, and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after him there

needs no broom, he’ll sweep so well before, and leave nothing to his

followers to work upon.  Whereunto the lady answered, Go, villain, go.  If

you speak to me one such word more, I will cry out and make you to be

knocked down with blows.  Ha, said he, you are not so bad as you say--no,

or else I am deceived in your physiognomy.  For sooner shall the earth

mount up unto the heavens, and the highest heavens descend unto the hells,

and all the course of nature be quite perverted, than that in so great

beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop of gall or

malice.  They say, indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a fair woman

that is not also stubborn.  Yet that is spoke only of those vulgar

beauties; but yours is so excellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I

believe nature hath given it you as a paragon and masterpiece of her art,

to make us know what she can do when she will employ all her skill and all

her power.  There is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and

celestial manna.  To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the

golden apple, not to Venus, no, nor to Juno, nor to Minerva, for never was

there so much magnificence in Juno, so much wisdom in Minerva, nor so much

comeliness in Venus as there is in you.  O heavenly gods and goddesses!

How happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace

her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers!  By G--, that shall be I,

I know it well; for she loves me already her bellyful, I am sure of it, and

so was I predestinated to it by the fairies.  And therefore, that we lose

no time, put on, thrust out your gammons!--and would have embraced her, but

she made as if she would put out her head at the window to call her

neighbours for help.  Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running

away said, Madam, stay here till I come again; I will go call them myself;

do not you take so much pains.  Thus went he away, not much caring for the

repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it.  The next

day he came to the church at the time she went to mass.  At the door he

gave her some of the holy water, bowing himself very low before her.

Afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said unto her, Madam,

know that I am so amorous of you that I can neither piss nor dung for love.

I do not know, lady, what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it,

how much you would be to blame!  Go, said she, go!  I do not care; let me

alone to say my prayers.  Ay but, said he, equivocate upon this:  a beau

mont le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts.  I cannot, said she.

It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair c. . .the pr. .

.mounts.  And upon this, pray to God to give you that which your noble

heart desireth, and I pray you give me these paternosters.  Take them, said

she, and trouble me no longer.  This done, she would have taken off her

paternosters, which were made of a kind of yellow stone called cestrin, and

adorned with great spots of gold, but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his

knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, and whilst he was going

away to carry them to the brokers, he said to her, Will you have my knife?

No, no, said she.  But, said he, to the purpose.  I am at your commandment,

body and goods, tripes and bowels.

In the meantime the lady was not very well content with the want of her

paternosters, for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance

by in the church; then thought with herself, This bold flouting roister is

some giddy, fantastical, light-headed fool of a strange country.  I shall

never recover my paternosters again.  What will my husband say?  He will no

doubt be angry with me.  But I will tell him that a thief hath cut them off

from my hands in the church, which he will easily believe, seeing the end

of the ribbon left at my girdle.  After dinner Panurge went to see her,

carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of palace-crowns, called

counters, and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you

me, or I you?  Whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; for,

as God commands, I love all the world.  But to the purpose, said he; are

not you in love with me?  I have, said she, told you so many times already

that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it again I will

teach you that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly.  Get you hence

packing, and deliver me my paternosters, that my husband may not ask me for

them.

How now, madam, said he, your paternosters?  Nay, by mine oath, I will not

do so, but I will give you others.  Had you rather have them of gold well

enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or,

otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or if you had rather have them

of ebony, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine

turquoises, or of fair topazes, marked with fine sapphires, or of baleu

rubies, with great marks of diamonds of eight and twenty squares?  No, no,

all this is too little.  I know a fair bracelet of fine emeralds, marked

with spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearl as big as an

orange.  It will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducats.  I will

make you a present of it, for I have ready coin enough,--and withal he made

a noise with his counters, as if they had been French crowns.

Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or of crimson

dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin?  Will you have

chains, gold, tablets, rings?  You need no more but say, Yes; so far as

fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me.  By the virtue

of which words he made the water come in her mouth; but she said unto him,

No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you.  By G--, said he, but I will

have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing,

neither shall you have a jot the less when you have given it.  Hold!

--showing his long codpiece--this is Master John Goodfellow, that asks for

lodging!--and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out,

yet not very loud.  Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his

false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherwise let me do a

little?  A turd for you!  You do not deserve so much good, nor so much

honour; but, by G--, I will make the dogs ride you;--and with this he ran

away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he was naturally

fearful.

Chapter 2.XXII.

How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well.

Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus

Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and

on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin,

under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat.

The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side

and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her

with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day

and night.  In the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of

her which the Greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces

as small as he could.  Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went

to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as

the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge

sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously.  Then, a

little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by

her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner

as followeth.

  A Roundelay.

  For this one time, that I to you my love

  Discovered, you did too cruel prove,

  To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon,

  Who never any wrong to you had done,

  In any kind of action, word, or thought:

  So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought

  T’ have spoke more civilly, and to this sense,

  My friend, be pleased to depart from hence,

    For this one time.

  What hurt do I, to wish you to remark,

  With favour and compassion, how a spark

  Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart

  With deep affection, and that, for my part,

  I only ask that you with me would dance

  The brangle gay in feats of dalliance,

    For this one time?

And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very

promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers

places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown.  Then

said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease.  As for

me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which I

suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in

purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to God to give me patience in my misery.

Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church

came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed

upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their

member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her--it was the

greatest villainy in the world.  Panurge made the fashion of driving them

away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or

oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did

compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with

their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others

in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed

upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much

ado to save her.  Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of

the lords of the city, I believe that same lady is hot, or else that some

greyhound hath covered her lately.  And when he saw that all the dogs were

flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and

every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud

or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call

Pantagruel, not forgetting in his way alongst the streets through which he

went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying,

Will you not go with your fellows to the wedding?  Away, hence, avant,

avant, with a devil avant!  And being come home, he said to Pantagruel,

Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are

assembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line

her.  Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery,

which he found very pretty and strange.  But the best was at the

procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs

about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever

she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed

her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched.  All

the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of

those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her

gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy but to

retire unto her house, which was a palace.  Thither she went, and the dogs

after her; she ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain

from laughing.  When she was entered into the house and had shut the door

upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so

well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their

urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same

current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for

the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master Doribus did

heretofore preach publicly.  So may God help you, a mill would have ground

corn with it.  Yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse.

Chapter 2.XXIII.

How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news that the Dipsodes had

invaded the land of the Amaurots; and the cause wherefore the leagues are

so short in France.

A little while after Pantagruel heard news that his father Gargantua had

been translated into the land of the fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were

Ogier and Arthur; as also, (In the original edition it stands ‘together,

and that.’--M.) that the report of his translation being spread abroad, the

Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, with inroads had wasted a

great part of Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great city of

the Amaurots.  Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any man

farewell, for the business required diligence, he came to Rouen.

Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little

territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of

other countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge, who told

him a story which Marotus of the Lac, monachus, set down in the Acts of the

Kings of Canarre, saying that in old times countries were not distinguished

into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasangs, until that King Pharamond

divided them, which was done in manner as followeth.  The said king chose

at Paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and

bold adventurers in Cupid’s duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty,

handsome, lovely and well-complexioned wenches of Picardy, all which he

caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight days.

Then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young men his

wench, with store of money to defray their charges, and this injunction

besides, to go unto divers places here and there.  And wheresoever they

should biscot and thrum their wenches, that, they setting a stone there, it

should be accounted for a league.  Thus went away those brave fellows and

sprightly blades most merrily, and because they were fresh and had been at

rest, they very often jummed and fanfreluched almost at every field’s end,

and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short.  But when

they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor devils, all the

oil in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and duffle so

often, but contented themselves (I mean for the men’s part) with one scurvy

paltry bout in a day, and this is that which makes the leagues in Brittany,

Delanes, Germany, and other more remote countries so long.  Other men give

other reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best.  To which

Pantagruel willingly adhered.  Parting from Rouen, they arrived at

Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon,

Eusthenes, and Carpalin.

In which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their ship,

he received from a lady of Paris, which I (he) had formerly kept and

entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the outside thus,

--To the best beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of the valiant men

--P.N.T.G.R.L.

Chapter 2.XXIV.

A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a lady of Paris,

together with the exposition of a posy written in a gold ring.

When Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed, and

therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it.

Then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherwise

enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table diamond.  Wondering at

this, he called Panurge to him, and showed him the case.  Whereupon Panurge

told him that the leaf of paper was written upon, but with such cunning and

artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight. Therefore,

to find it out, he set it by the fire to see if it was made with sal

ammoniac soaked in water.  Then put he it into the water, to see if the

letter was written with the juice of tithymalle.  After that he held it up

against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white

onions.

Then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were not

written with the lee of a fig-tree, and another part of it with the milk of

a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it was written with

the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs.  Afterwards he rubbed one

corner with the ashes of a swallow’s nest, to see if it were not written

with the dew that is found within the herb alcakengy, called the

winter-cherry.  He rubbed, after that, one end with ear-wax, to see if it

were not written with the gall of a raven.  Then did he dip it into vinegar,

to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden spurge.  After

that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was

not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris.  Then put

it very fairly into a basinful of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to

see whether it were written with stone-alum.  But after all experiments,

when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called the messenger

and asked him, Good fellow, the lady that sent thee hither, did she not give

thee a staff to bring with thee? thinking that it had been according to the

conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention.  And the messenger answered

him, No, sir.  Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaven, to see

whether the lady had written upon his bald pate, with the hard lye whereof

soap is made, that which she meant; but, perceiving that his hair was very

long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown to so great a

length in so short a time.

Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the virtue of G--, I cannot tell

what to do nor say in it.  For, to know whether there be anything written

upon this or no, I have made use of a good part of that which Master

Francisco di Nianto, the Tuscan, sets down, who hath written the manner of

reading letters that do not appear; that which Zoroastes published, Peri

grammaton acriton; and Calphurnius Bassus, De literis illegibilibus.  But I

can see nothing, nor do I believe that there is anything else in it than

the ring.  Let us, therefore, look upon it.  Which when they had done, they

found this in Hebrew written within, Lamach saba(ch)thani; whereupon they

called Epistemon, and asked him what that meant.  To which he answered that

they were Hebrew words, signifying, Wherefore hast thou forsaken me?  Upon

that Panurge suddenly replied, I know the mystery.  Do you see this

diamond?  It is a false one.  This, then, is the exposition of that which

the lady means, Diamant faux, that is, false lover, why hast thou forsaken

me?  Which interpretation Pantagruel presently understood, and withal

remembering that at his departure he had not bid the lady farewell, he was

very sorry, and would fain have returned to Paris to make his peace with

her.  But Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas’s departure from Dido, and

the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor, when

need requireth we must cut the cable rather than lose time about untying of

it,--and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the city of

his nativity, which was then in danger.  And, indeed, within an hour after

that the wind arose at the north-north-west, wherewith they hoist sail, and

put out, even into the main sea, so that within few days, passing by Porto

Sancto and by the Madeiras, they went ashore in the Canary Islands.

Parting from thence, they passed by Capobianco, by Senege, by Capoverde, by

Gambre, by Sagres, by Melli, by the Cap di Buona Speranza, and set ashore

again in the kingdom of Melinda.  Parting from thence, they sailed away

with a tramontane or northerly wind, passing by Meden, by Uti, by Uden, by

Gelasim, by the Isles of the Fairies, and alongst the kingdom of Achorie,

till at last they arrived at the port of Utopia, distant from the city of

the Amaurots three leagues and somewhat more.

When they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, Pantagruel said,

Gentlemen, the city is not far from hence; therefore, were it not amiss,

before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not

like the Athenians, who never took counsel until after the fact?  Are you

resolved to live and die with me?  Yes, sir, said they all, and be as

confident of us as of your own fingers.  Well, said he, there is but one

thing that keeps my mind in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that I

know not in what order nor of what number the enemy is that layeth siege to

the city; for, if I were certain of that, I should go forward and set on

with the better assurance.  Let us therefore consult together, and bethink

ourselves by what means we may come to this intelligence.  Whereunto they

all said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us; for this

very day, without further respite, do we make account to bring you a

certain report thereof.

Myself, said Panurge, will undertake to enter into their camp, within the

very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and merrily feast and

lecher it at their cost, without being known of any, to see the artillery

and the tents of all the captains, and thrust myself in with a grave and

magnific carriage amongst all their troops and companies, without being

discovered.  The devil would not be able to peck me out with all his

circumventions, for I am of the race of Zopyrus.

And I, said Epistemon, know all the plots and strategems of the valiant

captains and warlike champions of former ages, together with all the tricks

and subtleties of the art of war.  I will go, and, though I be detected and

revealed, I will escape by making them believe of you whatever I please,

for I am of the race of Sinon.

I, said Eusthenes, will enter and set upon them in their trenches, in spite

of their sentries and all their guards; for I will tread upon their bellies

and break their legs and arms, yea, though they were every whit as strong

as the devil himself, for I am of the race of Hercules.

And I, said Carpalin, will get in there if the birds can enter, for I am so

nimble of body, and light withal, that I shall have leaped over their

trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, before that they perceive

me; neither do I fear shot, nor arrow, nor horse, how swift soever, were he

the Pegasus of Perseus or Pacolet, being assured that I shall be able to

make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt.  I will

undertake to walk upon the ears of corn or grass in the meadows, without

making either of them do so much as bow under me, for I am of the race of

Camilla the Amazon.

Chapter 2.XXV.

How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, the gentlemen attendants

of Pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore

horsemen very cunningly.

As he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light

horsemen, gallantly mounted, who made an outroad thither to see what ship

it was that was newly arrived in the harbour, and came in a full gallop to

take them if they had been able.  Then said Pantagruel, My lads, retire

yourselves unto the ship; here are some of our enemies coming apace, but I

will kill them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times so

many; in the meantime, withdraw yourselves, and take your sport at it.

Then answered Panurge, No, sir; there is no reason that you should do so,

but, on the contrary, retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest, for

I alone will here discomfit them; but we must not linger; come, set

forward.  Whereunto the others said, It is well advised, sir; withdraw

yourself, and we will help Panurge here, so shall you know what we are able

to do.  Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am content; but, if that you be too

weak, I will not fail to come to your assistance.  With this Panurge took

two great cables of the ship and tied them to the kemstock or capstan which

was on the deck towards the hatches, and fastened them in the ground,

making a long circuit, the one further off, the other within that.  Then

said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the ship, and, when I give you a call, turn

about the capstan upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you the two

cable-ropes; and said to Eusthenes and to Carpalin, My bullies, stay you

here, and offer yourselves freely to your enemies.  Do as they bid you, and

make as if you would yield unto them, but take heed you come not within the

compass of the ropes--be sure to keep yourselves free of them.  And

presently he went aboard the ship, and took a bundle of straw and a barrel

of gunpowder, strewed it round about the compass of the cords, and stood by

with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand.  Presently came the

horsemen with great fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the ship,

and, by reason of the slipperiness of the bank, they fell, they and their

horses, to the number of four and forty; which the rest seeing, came on,

thinking that resistance had been made them at their arrival.  But Panurge

said unto them, My masters, I believe that you have hurt yourselves; I pray

you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the slipperiness of the

sea-water that is always flowing; we submit ourselves to your good pleasure.

So said likewise his two other fellows, and Epistemon that was upon the

deck.  In the meantime Panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that they were

all within the compass of the cables, and that his two companions were

retired, making room for all those horses which came in a crowd, thronging

upon the neck of one another to see the ship and such as were in it, cried

out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, draw!  Then began Epistemon to wind

about the capstan, by doing whereof the two cables so entangled and

empestered the legs of the horses, that they were all of them thrown down

to the ground easily, together with their riders.  But they, seeing that,

drew their swords, and would have cut them; whereupon Panurge set fire to

the train, and there burnt them up all like damned souls, both men and

horses, not one escaping save one alone, who being mounted on a fleet

Turkey courser, by mere speed in flight got himself out of the circle of

the ropes.  But when Carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such

nimbleness and celerity that he overtook him in less than a hundred paces;

then, leaping close behind him upon the crupper of his horse, clasped him

in his arms, and brought him back to the ship.

This exploit being ended, Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously

commended the industry of these gentlemen, whom he called his

fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves and feed well and merrily

upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the ground,

and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to that familiarity; only

that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that Pantagruel would have eaten him

up whole, which, considering the wideness of his mouth and capacity of his

throat was no great matter for him to have done; for he could have done it

as easily as you would eat a small comfit, he showing no more in his throat

than would a grain of millet-seed in the mouth of an ass.

Chapter 2.XXVI.

How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still salt meats; and

how Carpalin went a-hunting to have some venison.

Thus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, And, by the belly

of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any venison?  This salt meat makes me

horribly dry.  I will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which

we have burnt; it is well roasted already.  As he was rising up to go about

it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roebuck, which was

come out of his fort, as I conceive, at the sight of Panurge’s fire.  Him

did he pursue and run after with as much vigour and swiftness as if it had

been a bolt out of a crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he

was in his course he with his hands took in the air four great bustards,

seven bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty red-legged

ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and thirty

cushats and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve hares and

rabbits, which were then at relief and pretty big withal, eighteen rails in

a knot together, with fifteen young wild-boars, two little beavers, and

three great foxes.  So, striking the kid with his falchion athwart the

head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his back, he in his return took up

his hares, rails, and young wild-boars, and, as far off as he could be

heard, cried out and said, Panurge, my friend, vinegar, vinegar!  Then the

good Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him

some vinegar; but Panurge knew well that there was some good prey in hands,

and forthwith showed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his back

a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with hares.  Then immediately

did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine Muses, nine antique wooden

spits.  Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great cuirassier

saddles in such sort that they served for andirons, and making their

prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their venison by the fire wherein

the horsemen were burnt; and making great cheer with a good deal of

vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals--it was a

triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured.

Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two pairs of little

anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that I had at mine the

great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what

a peal they would ring with the wagging of our chaps.  But, said Panurge,

it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means we

might get the upper hand of our enemies.  That is well remembered, said

Pantagruel.  Therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us

here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed

alive, for it is I that eat the little children.  Relate unto us at full

the order, the number, and the strength of the army.  To which the prisoner

answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred

giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great.  Nevertheless,

not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loupgarou,

who is armed from head to foot with cyclopical anvils.  Furthermore, one

hundred three score and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of

hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred

men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and

arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand pioneers; one

hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses--(That is for me,

said Panurge)--whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others

Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, Normandes, and High

Dutch--there are of them of all countries and all languages.

Yea but, said Pantagruel, is the king there?  Yes, sir, said the prisoner;

he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, king of the Dipsodes,

which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more

thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants.

It is enough, said Pantagruel.  Come, brave boys, are you resolved to go

with me?  To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you!  I

have already bethought myself how I will kill them all like pigs, and so

the devil one leg of them shall escape.  But I am somewhat troubled about

one thing.  And what is that? said Pantagruel.  It is, said Panurge, how I

shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the

whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one

unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man and

women in the Venetian conflict.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel.

And Carpalin said:  The devil take these sink-holes, if, by G--, I do not

bumbaste some one of them.  Then said Eusthenes:  What! shall not I have

any, whose paces, since we came from Rouen, were never so well winded up as

that my needle could mount to ten or eleven o’clock, till now that I have

it hard, stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils?  Truly, said Panurge,

thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump and in the

best case.

How now! said Epistemon; everyone shall ride, and I must lead the ass?  The

devil take him that will do so.  We will make use of the right of war, Qui

potest capere, capiat.  No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook,

and ride as the world doth.  And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this,

and said unto them, You reckon without your host.  I am much afraid that,

before it be night, I shall see you in such taking that you will have no

great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of

pike and lance.  Baste, said Epistemon, enough of that!  I will not fail to

bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste.  They

are not so many in number as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty

hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus

Pompeius, and yet Themistocles with a few men overthrew them all.  For

God’s sake, take you no care for that.  Cobsminny, cobsminny, said Panurge;

my codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St.

Sweephole, that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their

backs.  Up then, my lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along.

Chapter 2.XXVII.

How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge

another in remembrance of the hares.  How Pantagruel likewise with his

farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women; and how Panurge

broke a great staff over two glasses.

Before we depart hence, said Pantagruel, in remembrance of the exploit that

you have now performed I will in this place erect a fair trophy.  Then

every man amongst them, with great joy and fine little country songs, set

up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirassier saddle, the

fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pulley-pieces for the knees,

stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat of mail, a corslet tempered with

steel, a battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horseman’s sword, a

gauntlet, a horseman’s mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, leg-harness,

and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the decorement of a

triumphant arch, in sign of a trophy.  And then Pantagruel, for an eternal

memorial, wrote this victorial ditton, as followeth:--

  Here was the prowess made apparent of

  Four brave and valiant champions of proof,

  Who, without any arms but wit, at once,

  Like Fabius, or the two Scipions,

  Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore

  Crablice, strong rogues ne’er vanquished before.

  By this each king may learn, rook, pawn, and knight,

  That sleight is much more prevalent than might.

    For victory,

    As all men see,

    Hangs on the ditty

    Of that committee

    Where the great God

    Hath his abode.

  Nor doth he it to strong and great men give,

  But to his elect, as we must believe;

  Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem,

  Who thorough faith doth put his trust in him.

Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, Panurge halved and

fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck, together with the skin and

the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three leverets, the chine of a

coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of four

queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put

salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a

dripping-pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of

Beauvais.  Then, in imitation of Pantagruel’s verses and trophy, wrote that

which followeth:--

  Here was it that four jovial blades sat down

  To a profound carousing, and to crown

  Their banquet with those wines which please best great

  Bacchus, the monarch of their drinking state.

  Then were the reins and furch of a young hare,

  With salt and vinegar, displayed there,

  Of which to snatch a bit or two at once

  They all fell on like hungry scorpions.

    For th’ Inventories

    Of Defensories

    Say that in heat

    We must drink neat

    All out, and of

    The choicest stuff.

  But it is bad to eat of young hare’s flesh,

  Unless with vinegar we it refresh.

  Receive this tenet, then, without control,

  That vinegar of that meat is the soul.

Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begone! we have stayed here too

long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out that the greatest

eaters do the most martial exploits.  There is no shadow like that of

flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that of

armour.  At this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow

like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering

like that of goblets.  Unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like

that of curtains, no smoke like that of women’s breasts, and no clattering

like that of ballocks.  Then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap,

and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagruel!

When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart

that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the

corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men,

ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little

women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow

but like cow’s tails, downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, round.  How

now! said Panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful?  By G--, here be

brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together; they will

beget fine hornets and dorflies.  So did Pantagruel, and called them

pigmies.  Those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time

they are increased mightily.  But the cranes make war with them

continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; for

these little ends of men and dandiprats (whom in Scotland they call

whiphandles and knots of a tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and

choleric; the physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their

spleen.

At this same time Panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both

of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of

them upon one stool and the other upon another, placing them about one foot

from one another.  Then he took the staff of a javelin, about five foot and

a half long, and put it upon the two glasses, so that the two ends of the

staff did come just to the brims of the glasses.  This done, he took a

great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pantagruel and to the rest, My

masters, behold how easily we shall have the victory over our enemies; for

just as I shall break this staff here upon these glasses, without either

breaking or crazing of them, nay, which is more, without spilling one drop

of the water that is within them, even so shall we break the heads of our

Dipsodes without receiving any of us any wound or loss in our person or

goods.  But, that you may not think there is any witchcraft in this, hold!

said he to Eusthenes, strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this

log.  Eusthenes did so, and the staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop

of the water fell out of the glasses.  Then said he, I know a great many

such other tricks; let us now therefore march boldly and with assurance.

Chapter 2.XXVIII.

How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes and the

Giants.

After all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent him away,

saying, Go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him tidings of what

thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to-morrow about noon; for,

as soon as my galleys shall come, which will be to-morrow at furthest, I

will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thousand fighting-men and seven

thousand giants, all of them greater than I am, that he hath done foolishly

and against reason thus to invade my country.  Wherein Pantagruel feigned

that he had an army at sea.  But the prisoner answered that he would yield

himself to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own

people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them, and for God’s

sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do.  Whereunto

Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to depart thence

speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that effect gave him a

boxful of euphorbium, together with some grains of the black chameleon

thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment of a wet

sucket, commanding him to carry it to his king, and to say unto him, that

if he were able to eat one ounce of that without drinking after it, he

might then be able to resist him without any fear or apprehension of

danger.

The prisoner then besought him with joined hands that in the hour of the

battle he would have compassion upon him.  Whereat Pantagruel said unto

him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the king, put thy whole

confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; because, although for my

part I be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an infinite number of men in

arms, I do nevertheless trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, but

all my confidence is in God my protector, who doth never forsake those that

in him do put their trust and confidence.  This done, the prisoner

requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his

ransom.  To which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor

ransom men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty.  Go thy

way, said he, in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil

company, lest some mischief befall thee.  The prisoner being gone,

Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this prisoner believe

that we have an army at sea; as also that we will not assault them till

to-morrow at noon, to the end that they, doubting of the great arrival of

our men, may spend this night in providing and strengthening themselves,

but in the meantime my intention is that we charge them about the hour

of the first sleep.

Let us leave Pantagruel here with his apostles, and speak of King Anarchus

and his army.  When the prisoner was come he went unto the king and told

him how there was a great giant come, called Pantagruel, who had overthrown

and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and nine and fifty

horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the news.  Besides that, he was

charged by the said giant to tell him that the next day, about noon, he

must make a dinner ready for him, for at that hour he was resolved to set

upon him.  Then did he give him that box wherein were those confitures.

But as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken

with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of

the top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it in such sort that,

for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all but by drinking

only without cessation; for as soon as ever he took the goblet from his

head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still

pour in wine into his throat with a funnel.  Which when his captains,

bashaws, and guard of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs to

try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no.  But it so

befell them as it had done their king, and they plied the flagon so well

that the noise ran throughout all the camp, how the prisoner was returned;

that the next day they were to have an assault; that the king and his

captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards,

and that with carousing lustily and quaffing as hard as they could.  Every

man, therefore, in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle

it as fast as they could.  In sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that

they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole camp.

Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself

in this business.  Departing from the place of the trophies, he took the

mast of their ship in his hand like a pilgrim’s staff, and put within the

top of it two hundred and seven and thirty puncheons of white wine of

Anjou, the rest was of Rouen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all full

of salt, as easily as the lansquenets carry their little panniers, and so

set onward on his way with his fellow-soldiers.  When he was come near to

the enemy’s camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let

down this white wine of Anjou from the scuttle of the mast of the ship,

that we may all drink thereof, like Bretons.

Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so neat that

there was not so much as one poor drop left of two hundred and seven and

thirty puncheons, except one boracho or leathern bottle of Tours which

Panurge filled for himself, for he called that his vademecum, and some

scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which served him instead of vinegar.

After they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge gave

Pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is

a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins,

the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of cantharides,

which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, and other kinds

of diuretic or piss-procuring simples.  This done, Pantagruel said to

Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling like a cat against the wall, as you

can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out and charge

their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down, taking

a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and

pavilions in the camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great

voice, and then come away from thence.  Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not

good to cloy all their ordnance?  No, no, said Pantagruel, only blow up all

their powder.  Carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and did as he was

appointed by Pantagruel, and all the combatants came forth that were in the

city, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed so

lightly through them, and so highly and profoundly did they snort and

sleep, that they never perceived him.  He came to the place where their

artillery was, and set their munition on fire.  But here was the danger.

The fire was so sudden that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt.  And had

it not been for his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting

pig.  But he departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a

crossbow could not have had a swifter motion.  When he was clear of their

trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such

amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell had been

let loose.  At which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how?  Even

no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of the first peal to

matins, which in Lusonnois is called rub-ballock.

In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark,

and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their

throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like

foxes.  Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that

is in us!  Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs

which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so

copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten

leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if

his father’s great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would

undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; for

she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the Rhone or

the Danube.  Which those that were come out of the city seeing, said, They

are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along.  But they were

deceived in thinking Pantagruel’s urine had been the blood of their

enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the

pavilions and some small light of the moon.

The enemies, after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in

the camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge, could not

tell what to say nor what to think.  Some said that it was the end of the

world and the final judgment, which ought to be by fire.  Others again

thought that the sea-gods, Neptune, Proteus, Triton, and the rest of them,

did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and

salt.

O who were able now condignly to relate how Pantagruel did demean himself

against the three hundred giants!  O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia,

inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the

logical bridge of asses!  Here is the pitfall, here is the difficulty, to

have ability enough to express the horrible battle that was fought.  Ah,

would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those drank

who shall read this so veridical history!

Chapter 2.XXIX.

How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred giants armed with free-stone,

and Loupgarou their captain.

The giants, seeing all their camp drowned, carried away their king Anarchus

upon their backs as well as they could out of the fort, as Aeneas did to

his father Anchises, in the time of the conflagration of Troy.  When

Panurge perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir, yonder are the giants

coming forth against you; lay on them with your mast gallantly, like an old

fencer; for now is the time that you must show yourself a brave man and an

honest.  And for our part we will not fail you.  I myself will kill to you

a good many boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliath very easily; and

then this great lecher, Eusthenes, who is stronger than four oxen, will not

spare himself.  Be of good courage, therefore, and valiant; charge amongst

them with point and edge, and by all manner of means.  Well, said

Pantagruel, of courage I have more than for fifty francs, but let us be

wise, for Hercules first never undertook against two.  That is well cacked,

well scummered, said Panurge; do you compare yourself with Hercules?  You

have, by G--, more strength in your teeth, and more scent in your bum, than

ever Hercules had in all his body and soul.  So much is a man worth as he

esteems himself.  Whilst they spake those words, behold! Loupgarou was come

with all his giants, who, seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone, was carried

away with temerity and presumption, for hopes that he had to kill the good

man.  Whereupon he said to his companions the giants, You wenchers of the

low country, by Mahoom! if any of you undertake to fight against these men

here, I will put you cruelly to death.  It is my will that you let me fight

single.  In the meantime you shall have good sport to look upon us.

Then all the other giants retired with their king to the place where the

flagons stood, and Panurge and his comrades with them, who counterfeited

those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his mouth, shrunk up his

fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them, I forsake -od,

fellow-soldiers, if I would have it to be believed that we make any war at

all.  Give us somewhat to eat with you whilest our masters fight against

one another.  To this the king and giants jointly condescended, and

accordingly made them to banquet with them.  In the meantime Panurge told

them the follies of Turpin, the examples of St. Nicholas, and the tale of a

tub.  Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a mace all of

steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred

quintals and two quarterons, at the end whereof were thirteen pointed

diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of Our Lady’s

Church at Paris--there might want perhaps the thickness of a nail, or at

most, that I may not lie, of the back of those knives which they call

cutlugs or earcutters, but for a little off or on, more or less, it is no

matter--and it was enchanted in such sort that it could never break, but,

contrarily, all that it did touch did break immediately.  Thus, then, as he

approached with great fierceness and pride of heart, Pantagruel, casting up

his eyes to heaven, recommended himself to God with all his soul, making

such a vow as followeth.

O thou Lord God, who hast always been my protector and my saviour! thou

seest the distress wherein I am at this time.  Nothing brings me hither but

a natural zeal, which thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and defend

themselves, their wives and children, country and family, in case thy own

proper cause were not in question, which is the faith; for in such a

business thou wilt have no coadjutors, only a catholic confession and

service of thy word, and hast forbidden us all arming and defence.  For

thou art the Almighty, who in thine own cause, and where thine own business

is taken to heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive,

thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of legions of

angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal men, and turn about

the heavens and earth at his pleasure, as heretofore it very plainly

appeared in the army of Sennacherib.  If it may please thee, therefore, at

this time to assist me, as my whole trust and confidence is in thee alone,

I vow unto thee, that in all countries whatsoever wherein I shall have any

power or authority, whether in this of Utopia or elsewhere, I will cause

thy holy gospel to be purely, simply, and entirely preached, so that the

abuses of a rabble of hypocrites and false prophets, who by human

constitutions and depraved inventions have empoisoned all the world, shall

be quite exterminated from about me.

This vow was no sooner made, but there was heard a voice from heaven

saying, Hoc fac et vinces; that is to say, Do this, and thou shalt

overcome.  Then Pantagruel, seeing that Loupgarou with his mouth wide open

was drawing near to him, went against him boldly, and cried out as loud as

he was able, Thou diest, villain, thou diest! purposing by his horrible cry

to make him afraid, according to the discipline of the Lacedaemonians.

Withal, he immediately cast at him out of his bark, which he wore at his

girdle, eighteen cags and four bushels of salt, wherewith he filled both

his mouth, throat, nose, and eyes.  At this Loupgarou was so highly

incensed that, most fiercely setting upon him, he thought even then with a

blow of his mace to have beat out his brains.  But Pantagruel was very

nimble, and had always a quick foot and a quick eye, and therefore with his

left foot did he step back one pace, yet not so nimbly but that the blow,

falling upon the bark, broke it in four thousand four score and six pieces,

and threw all the rest of the salt about the ground.  Pantagruel, seeing

that, most gallantly displayed the vigour of his arms, and, according to

the art of the axe, gave him with the great end of his mast a homethrust a

little above the breast; then, bringing along the blow to the left side,

with a slash struck him between the neck and shoulders.  After that,

advancing his right foot, he gave him a push upon the couillons with the

upper end of his said mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle on the top

thereof, he spilt three or four puncheons of wine that were left therein.

Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and that the

wine that came forth had been his urine.  Pantagruel, being not content

with this, would have doubled it by a side-blow; but Loupgarou, lifting

up his mace, advanced one step upon him, and with all his force would

have dashed it upon Pantagruel, wherein, to speak the truth, he so

sprightfully carried himself, that, if God had not succoured the good

Pantagruel, he had been cloven from the top of his head to the bottom of

his milt.  But the blow glanced to the right side by the brisk nimbleness

of Pantagruel, and his mace sank into the ground above threescore and

thirteen foot, through a huge rock, out of which the fire did issue greater

than nine thousand and six tons.  Pantagruel, seeing him busy about

plucking out his mace, which stuck in the ground between the rocks, ran

upon him, and would have clean cut off his head, if by mischance his mast

had not touched a little against the stock of Loupgarou’s mace, which was

enchanted, as we have said before.  By this means his mast broke off about

three handfuls above his hand, whereat he stood amazed like a bell-founder,

and cried out, Ah, Panurge, where art thou?  Panurge, seeing that, said to

the king and the giants, By G--, they will hurt one another if they be not

parted.  But the giants were as merry as if they had been at a wedding.

Then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his master; but one of

the giants said unto him, By Golfarin, the nephew of Mahoom, if thou stir

hence I will put thee in the bottom of my breeches instead of a

suppository, which cannot choose but do me good.  For in my belly I am very

costive, and cannot well cagar without gnashing my teeth and making many

filthy faces.  Then Pantagruel, thus destitute of a staff, took up the end

of his mast, striking athwart and alongst upon the giant, but he did him no

more hurt than you would do with a fillip upon a smith’s anvil.  In the

(mean) time Loupgarou was drawing his mace out of the ground, and, having

already plucked it out, was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel, who,

being very quick in turning, avoided all his blows in taking only the

defensive part in hand, until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did

threaten him with these words, saying, Now, villain, will not I fail to

chop thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee henceforth from ever

making any more poor men athirst!  For then, without any more ado,

Pantagruel struck him such a blow with his foot against the belly that he

made him fall backwards, his heels over his head, and dragged him thus

along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot.  Then Loupgarou cried out,

bleeding at the throat, Mahoom, Mahoom, Mahoom! at which noise all the

giants arose to succour him.  But Panurge said unto them, Gentlemen, do not

go, if will believe me, for our master is mad, and strikes athwart and

alongst, he cares not where; he will do you a mischief.  But the giants

made no account of it, seeing that Pantagruel had never a staff.

And when Pantagruel saw those giants approach very near unto him, he took

Loupgarou by the two feet, and lift up his body like a pike in the air,

wherewith, it being harnessed with anvils, he laid such heavy load amongst

those giants armed with free-stone, that, striking them down as a mason

doth little knobs of stones, there was not one of them that stood before

him whom he threw not flat to the ground.  And by the breaking of this

stony armour there was made such a horrible rumble as put me in mind of the

fall of the butter-tower of St. Stephen’s at Bourges when it melted before

the sun.  Panurge, with Carpalin and Eusthenes, did cut in the mean time

the throats of those that were struck down, in such sort that there escaped

not one.  Pantagruel to any man’s sight was like a mower, who with his

scythe, which was Loupgarou, cut down the meadow grass, to wit, the giants;

but with this fencing of Pantagruel’s Loupgarou lost his head, which

happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose name was Riflandouille, or

Pudding-plunderer, who was armed cap-a-pie with Grison stones, one chip

whereof splintering abroad cut off Epistemon’s neck clean and fair.  For

otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy

brittle stone, and the rest with slates.  At last, when he saw that they

were all dead, he threw the body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against

the city, where falling like a frog upon his belly in the great Piazza

thereof, he with the said fall killed a singed he-cat, a wet she-cat, a

farting duck, and a bridled goose.

Chapter 2.XXX.

How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge, and

of the news which he brought from the devils, and of the damned people in

hell.

This gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruel withdrew himself to the place

of the flagons, and called for Panurge and the rest, who came unto him safe

and sound, except Eusthenes, whom one of the giants had scratched a little

in the face whilst he was about the cutting of his throat, and Epistemon,

who appeared not at all.  Whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would

have killed himself.  But Panurge said unto him, Nay, sir, stay a while,

and we will search for him amongst the dead, and find out the truth of all.

Thus as they went seeking after him, they found him stark dead, with his

head between his arms all bloody.  Then Eusthenes cried out, Ah, cruel

death! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst men?  At which words

Pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever any man did see, and

said to Panurge, Ha, my friend! the prophecy of your two glasses and the

javelin staff was a great deal too deceitful.  But Panurge answered, My

dear bullies all, weep not one drop more, for, he being yet all hot, I will

make him as sound as ever he was.  In saying this, he took the head and

held it warm foregainst his codpiece, that the wind might not enter into

it.  Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the body to the place where they had

banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would recover, but that

Pantagruel might see it.

Nevertheless Panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, If I do not heal

him, I will be content to lose my head, which is a fool’s wager.  Leave

off, therefore, crying, and help me.  Then cleansed he his neck very well

with pure white wine, and, after that, took his head, and into it synapised

some powder of diamerdis, which he always carried about him in one of his

bags.  Afterwards he anointed it with I know not what ointment, and set it

on very just, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, and spondyle against

spondyle, that he might not be wry-necked--for such people he mortally

hated.  This done, he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen stitches

with a needle that it might not fall off again; then, on all sides and

everywhere, he put a little ointment on it, which he called resuscitative.

Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, then opened his eyes, yawned, sneezed,

and afterwards let a great household fart.  Whereupon Panurge said, Now,

certainly, he is healed,--and therefore gave him to drink a large full

glass of strong white wine, with a sugared toast.  In this fashion was

Epistemon finely healed, only that he was somewhat hoarse for above three

weeks together, and had a dry cough of which he could not be rid but by the

force of continual drinking.  And now he began to speak, and said that he

had seen the devil, had spoken with Lucifer familiarly, and had been very

merry in hell and in the Elysian fields, affirming very seriously before

them all that the devils were boon companions and merry fellows.  But, in

respect of the damned, he said he was very sorry that Panurge had so soon

called him back into this world again; for, said he, I took wonderful

delight to see them.  How so? said Pantagruel.  Because they do not use

them there, said Epistemon, so badly as you think they do.  Their estate

and condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner;

for I saw Alexander the Great there amending and patching on clouts upon

old breeches and stockings, whereby he got but a very poor living.

Xerxes was a crier of mustard.

Romulus, a salter and patcher of pattens.

Numa, a nailsmith.

Tarquin, a porter.

Piso, a clownish swain.

Sylla, a ferryman.

Cyrus, a cowherd.

Themistocles, a glass-maker.

Epaminondas, a maker of mirrors or looking-glasses.

Brutus and Cassius, surveyors or measurers of land.

Demosthenes, a vine-dresser.

Cicero, a fire-kindler.

Fabius, a threader of beads.

Artaxerxes, a rope-maker.

Aeneas, a miller.

Achilles was a scaldpated maker of hay-bundles.

Agamemnon, a lick-box.

Ulysses, a hay-mower.

Nestor, a door-keeper or forester.

Darius, a gold-finder or jakes-farmer.

Ancus Martius, a ship-trimmer.

Camillus, a foot-post.

Marcellus, a sheller of beans.

Drusus, a taker of money at the doors of playhouses.

Scipio Africanus, a crier of lee in a wooden slipper.

Asdrubal, a lantern-maker.

Hannibal, a kettlemaker and seller of eggshells.

Priamus, a seller of old clouts.

Lancelot of the Lake was a flayer of dead horses.

All the Knights of the Round Table were poor day-labourers, employed to row

over the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron, and Lethe, when my

lords the devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the water, as in

the like occasion are hired the boatmen at Lyons, the gondoliers of Venice,

and oars at London.  But with this difference, that these poor knights have

only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the evening a morsel

of coarse mouldy bread.

Trajan was a fisher of frogs.

Antoninus, a lackey.

Commodus, a jet-maker.

Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts.

Lucullus, a maker of rattles and hawks’-bells.

Justinian, a pedlar.

Hector, a snap-sauce scullion.

Paris was a poor beggar.

Cambyses, a mule-driver.

Nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that instrument which is called a

windbroach.  Fierabras was his serving-man, who did him a thousand

mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown bread and drink of

the turned wine when himself did both eat and drink of the best.

Julius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships.

Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were sweat-rubbers

in hot houses.

Giglan and Govian (Gauvin) were poor swineherds.

Geoffrey with the great tooth was a tinder-maker and seller of matches.

Godfrey de Bouillon, a hood-maker.

Jason was a bracelet-maker.

Don Pietro de Castille, a carrier of indulgences.

Morgan, a beer-brewer.

Huon of Bordeaux, a hooper of barrels.

Pyrrhus, a kitchen-scullion.

Antiochus, a chimney-sweeper.

Octavian, a scraper of parchment.

Nerva, a mariner.

Pope Julius was a crier of pudding-pies, but he left off wearing there his

great buggerly beard.

John of Paris was a greaser of boots.

Arthur of Britain, an ungreaser of caps.

Perce-Forest, a carrier of faggots.

Pope Boniface the Eighth, a scummer of pots.

Pope Nicholas the Third, a maker of paper.

Pope Alexander, a ratcatcher.

Pope Sixtus, an anointer of those that have the pox.

What, said Pantagruel, have they the pox there too?  Surely, said

Epistemon, I never saw so many:  there are there, I think, above a hundred

millions; for believe, that those who have not had the pox in this world

must have it in the other.

Cotsbody, said Panurge, then I am free; for I have been as far as the hole

of Gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds of Hercules, and gathered of

the ripest.

Ogier the Dane was a furbisher of armour.

The King Tigranes, a mender of thatched houses.

Galien Restored, a taker of moldwarps.

The four sons of Aymon were all toothdrawers.

Pope Calixtus was a barber of a woman’s sine qua non.

Pope Urban, a bacon-picker.

Melusina was a kitchen drudge-wench.

Matabrune, a laundress.

Cleopatra, a crier of onions.

Helen, a broker for chambermaids.

Semiramis, the beggars’ lice-killer.

Dido did sell mushrooms.

Penthesilea sold cresses.

Lucretia was an alehouse-keeper.

Hortensia, a spinstress.

Livia, a grater of verdigris.

After this manner, those that had been great lords and ladies here, got but

a poor scurvy wretched living there below.  And, on the contrary, the

philosophers and others, who in this world had been altogether indigent and

wanting, were great lords there in their turn.  I saw Diogenes there strut

it out most pompously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple gown

on him, and a golden sceptre in his right hand.  And, which is more, he

would now and then make Alexander the Great mad, so enormously would he

abuse him when he had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay his

skin with sound bastinadoes.  I saw Epictetus there, most gallantly

apparelled after the French fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, with

store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and making

good cheer, with abundance of crowns of the sun.  Above the lattice were

written these verses for his device:

  To leap and dance, to sport and play,

    And drink good wine both white and brown,

  Or nothing else do all the day

    But tell bags full of many a crown.

When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and I

being willing to be entreated, we tippled and chopined together most

theologically.  In the meantime came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for

the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few onions for his supper.  No,

no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my almsgiving to bestow farthings.

Hold, thou varlet, there’s a crown for thee; be an honest man.  Cyrus was

exceeding glad to have met with such a booty; but the other poor rogues,

the kings that are there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, stole it

away from him by night.  I saw Pathelin, the treasurer of Rhadamanthus,

who, in cheapening the pudding-pies that Pope Julius cried, asked him how

much a dozen.  Three blanks, said the Pope.  Nay, said Pathelin, three

blows with a cudgel.  Lay them down here, you rascal, and go fetch more.

The poor Pope went away weeping, who, when he came to his master, the

pie-maker, told him that they had taken away his pudding-pies.  Whereupon

his master gave him such a sound lash with an eel-skin, that his own would

have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of.  I saw Master John Le

Maire there personate the Pope in such fashion that he made all the poor

kings and popes of this world kiss his feet, and, taking great state upon

him, gave them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the

pardons; they are good cheap.  I absolve you of bread and pottage, and

dispense with you to be never good for anything.  Then, calling Caillet and

Triboulet to him, he spoke these words, My lords the cardinals, despatch

their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with a cudgel upon the reins.

Which accordingly was forthwith performed.  I heard Master Francis Villon

ask Xerxes, How much the mess of mustard?  A farthing, said Xerxes.  To

which the said Villon answered, The pox take thee for a villain!  As much of

square-eared wheat is not worth half that price, and now thou offerest to

enhance the price of victuals.  With this he pissed in his pot, as the

mustard-makers of Paris used to do.  I saw the trained bowman of the bathing

tub, known by the name of the Francarcher de Baignolet, who, being one of

the trustees of the Inquisition, when he saw Perce-Forest making water

against a wall in which was painted the fire of St. Anthony, declared him

heretic, and would have caused him to be burnt alive had it not been for

Morgant, who, for his proficiat and other small fees, gave him nine tuns of

beer.

Well, said Pantagruel, reserve all these fair stories for another time,

only tell us how the usurers are there handled.  I saw them, said

Epistemon, all very busily employed in seeking of rusty pins and old nails

in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor wretched rogues do in this

world.  But the quintal, or hundredweight, of this old ironware is there

valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, and yet they have but a very

bad despatch and riddance in the sale of it.  Thus the poor misers are

sometimes three whole weeks without eating one morsel or crumb of bread,

and yet work both day and night, looking for the fair to come.

Nevertheless, of all this labour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, so

cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, in

hopes, at the end of the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it.

Come, said Pantagruel, let us now make ourselves merry one bout, and drink,

my lads, I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all this month.  Then

did they uncase their flagons by heaps and dozens, and with their

leaguer-provision made excellent good cheer.  But the poor King Anarchus

could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of mirth; whereupon

Panurge said, Of what trade shall we make my lord the king here, that he may

be skilful in the art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the devils

of hell?  Indeed, said Pantagruel, that was well advised of thee.  Do with

him what thou wilt, I give him to thee.  Gramercy, said Panurge, the present

is not to be refused, and I love it from you.

Chapter 2.XXXI.

How Pantagruel entered into the city of the Amaurots, and how Panurge

married King Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier

of green sauce.

After this wonderful victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the city of the

Amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken

prisoner and all the enemies of the city overthrown.  Which news when they

heard all the inhabitants of the city came forth to meet him in good order,

and with a great triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly joy into

the city, where innumerable bonfires were set on through all the parts

thereof, and fair round tables, which were furnished with store of good

victuals, set out in the middle of the streets.  This was a renewing of the

golden age in the time of Saturn, so good was the cheer which then they

made.

But Pantagruel, having assembled the whole senate and common councilmen of

the town, said, My masters, we must now strike the iron whilst it is hot.

It is therefore my will that, before we frolic it any longer, we advise how

to assault and take the whole kingdom of the Dipsodes.  To which effect let

those that will go with me provide themselves against to-morrow after

drinking, for then will I begin to march.  Not that I need any more men

than I have to help me to conquer it, for I could make it as sure that way

as if I had it already; but I see this city is so full of inhabitants that

they scarce can turn in the streets.  I will, therefore, carry them as a

colony into Dipsody, and will give them all that country, which is fair,

wealthy, fruitful, and pleasant, above all other countries in the world, as

many of you can tell who have been there heretofore.  Everyone of you,

therefore, that will go along, let him provide himself as I have said.

This counsel and resolution being published in the city, the next morning

there assembled in the piazza before the palace to the number of eighteen

hundred fifty-six thousand and eleven, besides women and little children.

Thus began they to march straight into Dipsody, in such good order as did

the people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt to pass over the Red

Sea.

But before we proceed any further in this purpose, I will tell you how

Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus; for, having remembered that

which Epistemon had related, how the kings and rich men in this world were

used in the Elysian fields, and how they got their living there by base and

ignoble trades, he, therefore, one day apparelled his king in a pretty

little canvas doublet, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light

horseman’s cap, together with a pair of large mariner’s breeches, and

stockings without shoes,--For, said he, they would but spoil his sight,

--and a little peach-coloured bonnet with a great capon’s feather in it--I

lie, for I think he had two--and a very handsome girdle of a sky-colour and

green (in French called pers et vert), saying that such a livery did become

him well, for that he had always been perverse, and in this plight bringing

him before Pantagruel, said unto him, Do you know this roister?  No,

indeed, said Pantagruel.  It is, said Panurge, my lord the king of the

three batches, or threadbare sovereign.  I intend to make him an honest

man.  These devilish kings which we have here are but as so many calves;

they know nothing and are good for nothing but to do a thousand mischiefs

to their poor subjects, and to trouble all the world with war for their

unjust and detestable pleasure.  I will put him to a trade, and make him a

crier of green sauce.  Go to, begin and cry, Do you lack any green sauce?

and the poor devil cried.  That is too low, said Panurge; then took him by

the ear, saying, Sing higher in Ge, sol, re, ut.  So, so poor devil, thou

hast a good throat; thou wert never so happy as to be no longer king.  And

Pantagruel made himself merry with all this; for I dare boldly say that he

was the best little gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of

a staff.  Thus was Anarchus made a good crier of green sauce.  Two days

thereafter Panurge married him with an old lantern-carrying hag, and he

himself made the wedding with fine sheep’s heads, brave haslets with

mustard, gallant salligots with garlic, of which he sent five horseloads

unto Pantagruel, which he ate up all, he found them so appetizing.

And for their drink they had a kind of small well-watered wine, and some

sorbapple-cider.  And, to make them dance, he hired a blind man that

made music to them with a wind-broach.

After dinner he led them to the palace and showed them to Pantagruel, and

said, pointing to the married woman, You need not fear that she will crack.

Why? said Pantagruel.  Because, said Panurge, she is well slit and broke up

already.  What do you mean by that? said Pantagruel.  Do not you see, said

Panurge, that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if they be whole

they crack as if they were mad, and, to keep them from cracking, they make

an incision in them and slit them?  So this new bride is in her lower parts

well slit before, and therefore will not crack behind.

Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street and a mortar of

stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they do

their little business, he being as pretty a crier of green sauce as ever

was seen in the country of Utopia.  But I have been told since that his

wife doth beat him like plaister, and the poor sot dare not defend himself,

he is so simple.

Chapter 2.XXXII.

How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and what the author

saw in his mouth.

Thus, as Pantagruel with all his army had entered into the country of the

Dipsodes, everyone was glad of it, and incontinently rendered themselves

unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the keys of all the

cities where he went, the Almirods only excepted, who, being resolved to

hold out against him, made answer to his heralds that they would not yield

but upon very honourable and good conditions.

What! said Pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand at the

pot and the glass in their fist?  Come, let us go sack them, and put them

all to the sword.  Then did they put themselves in good order, as being

fully determined to give an assault, but by the way, passing through a

large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of rain, whereat they

began to shiver and tremble, to crowd, press, and thrust close to one

another.  When Pantagruel saw that, he made their captains tell them that

it was nothing, and that he saw well above the clouds that it would be

nothing but a little dew; but, howsoever, that they should put themselves

in order, and he would cover them.  Then did they put themselves in a close

order, and stood as near to (each) other as they could, and Pantagruel drew

out his tongue only half-way and covered them all, as a hen doth her

chickens.  In the meantime, I, who relate to you these so veritable

stories, hid myself under a burdock-leaf, which was not much less in

largeness than the arch of the bridge of Montrible, but when I saw them

thus covered, I went towards them to shelter myself likewise; which I could

not do, for that they were so, as the saying is, At the yard’s end there is

no cloth left.  Then, as well as I could, I got upon it, and went along

full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched that at last I came

into his mouth.  But, O gods and goddesses! what did I see there?  Jupiter

confound me with his trisulc lightning if I lie!  I walked there as they do

in Sophia (at) Constantinople, and saw there great rocks, like the

mountains in Denmark--I believe that those were his teeth.  I saw also fair

meadows, large forests, great and strong cities not a jot less than Lyons

or Poictiers.  The first man I met with there was a good honest fellow

planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked him, My friend,

what dost thou make here?  I plant coleworts, said he.  But how, and

wherewith? said I.  Ha, sir, said he, everyone cannot have his ballocks as

heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich.  Thus do I get my poor

living, and carry them to the market to sell in the city which is here

behind.  Jesus! said I, is there here a new world?  Sure, said he, it is

never a jot new, but it is commonly reported that, without this, there is

an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a sun and a moon, and

that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities; but yet this

is more ancient than that.  Yea but, said I, my friend, what is the name of

that city whither thou carriest thy coleworts to sell?  It is called

Aspharage, said he, and all the indwellers are Christians, very honest men,

and will make you good cheer.  To be brief, I resolved to go thither.  Now,

in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons, of

whom I asked, My friend, from whence come these pigeons?  Sir, said he,

they come from the other world.  Then I thought that, when Pantagruel

yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it

had been a pigeon-house.

Then I went into the city, which I found fair, very strong, and seated in a

good air; but at my entry the guard demanded of me my pass or ticket.

Whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, My masters, is there any

danger of the plague here?  O Lord! said they, they die hard by here so

fast that the cart runs about the streets.  Good God! said I, and where?

Whereunto they answered that it was in Larynx and Pharynx, which are two

great cities such as Rouen and Nantes, rich and of great trading.  And the

cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which

lately vapoured out of the abysms, whereof there have died above two and

twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this

sevennight.  Then I considered, calculated, and found that it was a rank

and unsavoury breathing which came out of Pantagruel’s stomach when he did

eat so much garlic, as we have aforesaid.

Parting from thence, I passed amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and

never left walking till I got up on one of them; and there I found the

pleasantest places in the world, great large tennis-courts, fair galleries,

sweet meadows, store of vines, and an infinite number of banqueting summer

outhouses in the fields, after the Italian fashion, full of pleasure and

delight, where I stayed full four months, and never made better cheer in my

life as then.  After that I went down by the hinder teeth to come to the

chaps.  But in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forest that is in

the territory towards the ears.  Then, after a little further travelling, I

fell upon a pretty petty village--truly I have forgot the name of it--where

I was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain money to live by.  Can

you tell how?  By sleeping.  For there they hire men by the day to sleep,

and they get by it sixpence a day, but they that can snort hard get at

least ninepence.  How I had been robbed in the valley I informed the

senators, who told me that, in very truth, the people of that side were bad

livers and naturally thievish, whereby I perceived well that, as we have

with us the countries Cisalpine and Transalpine, that is, behither and

beyond the mountains, so have they there the countries Cidentine and

Tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth.  But it is far better

living on this side, and the air is purer.  Then I began to think that it

is very true which is commonly said, that the one half of the world knoweth

not how the other half liveth; seeing none before myself had ever written

of that country, wherein are above five-and-twenty kingdoms inhabited,

besides deserts, and a great arm of the sea.  Concerning which purpose I

have composed a great book, entitled, The History of the Throttias, because

they dwell in the throat of my master Pantagruel.

At last I was willing to return, and, passing by his beard, I cast myself

upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell

before him.  As soon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest

thou, Alcofribas?  I answered him, Out of your mouth, my lord.  And how

long hast thou been there? said he.  Since the time, said I, that you went

against the Almirods.  That is about six months ago, said he.  And

wherewith didst thou live?  What didst thou drink?  I answered, My lord, of

the same that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that passed through

your throat I took toll.  Yea but, said he, where didst thou shite?  In

your throat, my lord, said I.  Ha, ha! thou art a merry fellow, said he.

We have with the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes; I will

give thee the Chastelleine, or Lairdship of Salmigondin.  Gramercy, my

lord, said I, you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you.

Chapter 2.XXXIII.

How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered.

A while after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an

obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and,

because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which

tormented him more than you would believe.  His physicians nevertheless

helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made

him piss away his pain.  His urine was so hot that since that time it is

not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of France, according to

the course that it took, and they are called the hot baths, as--

    At Coderets.

    At Limous.

    At Dast.

    At Ballervie (Balleruc).

    At Neric.

  At Bourbonansie, and elsewhere in Italy.

    At Mongros.

    At Appone.

  At Sancto Petro de Padua.

    At St. Helen.

    At Casa Nuova.

  At St. Bartholomew, in the county of Boulogne.

  At the Porrette, and a thousand other places.

And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish philosophers and physicians, who

spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh,

whether it be by reason of borax, or sulphur, or alum, or saltpetre, that

is within the mine.  For they do nothing but dote, and better were it for

them to rub their arse against a thistle than to waste away their time thus

in disputing of that whereof they know not the original; for the resolution

is easy, neither need we to inquire any further than that the said baths

came by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel.

Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease.  I

let pass how for a minorative or gentle potion he took four hundred pound

weight of colophoniac scammony, six score and eighteen cartloads of cassia,

an eleven thousand and nine hundred pound weight of rhubarb, besides other

confuse jumblings of sundry drugs.  You must understand that by the advice

of the physicians it was ordained that what did offend his stomach should

be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper,

each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St.

Peter’s needle at Rome, and in such sort that they did open in the midst

and shut with a spring.  Into one of them entered one of his men carrying a

lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a

little pill.  Into seven others went seven country-fellows, having every

one of them a shovel on his neck.  Into nine others entered nine

wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at his neck, and so were

they swallowed down like pills.  When they were in his stomach, every one

undid his spring, and came out of their cabins.  The first whereof was he

that carried the lantern, and so they fell more than half a league into a

most horrible gulf, more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis, or

the marshes of the Camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbona,

whereof Strabo maketh mention.  And had it not been that they had very well

antidoted their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, which is called the noddle,

they had been altogether suffocated and choked with these detestable

vapours.  O what a perfume!  O what an evaporation wherewith to bewray the

masks or mufflers of young mangy queans.  After that, with groping and

smelling they came near to the faecal matter and the corrupted humours.

Finally, they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and filth.  Then fell the

pioneers to work to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the

baskets; and when all was cleansed every one retired himself into his ball.

This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily brought them

out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a fart in yours.  But,

when they came merrily out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians

coming out of the Trojan horse.  By this means was he healed and brought

unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or

rather copper balls, you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy

Cross Church.

Chapter 2.XXXIV.

The conclusion of this present book, and the excuse of the author.

Now, my masters, you have heard a beginning of the horrific history of my

lord and master Pantagruel.  Here will I make an end of the first book.  My

head aches a little, and I perceive that the registers of my brain are

somewhat jumbled and disordered with this Septembral juice.  You shall have

the rest of the history at Frankfort mart next coming, and there shall you

see how Panurge was married and made a cuckold within a month after his

wedding; how Pantagruel found out the philosopher’s stone, the manner how

he found it, and the way how to use it; how he passed over the Caspian

mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated the

Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Pearls; how he married the daughter

of the King of India, called Presthan; how he fought against the devil and

burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, threw

Proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth to Lucifer, and the horn that

was in his arse; how he visited the regions of the moon to know whether

indeed the moon were not entire and whole, or if the women had three

quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little merriments all

veritable.  These are brave things truly.  Good night, gentlemen.

Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my faults that you forget your

own.

If you say to me, Master, it would seem that you were not very wise in

writing to us these flimflam stories and pleasant fooleries; I answer you,

that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them.

Nevertheless, if you read them to make yourselves merry, as in manner of

pastime I wrote them, you and I both are far more worthy of pardon than a

great rabble of squint-minded fellows, dissembling and counterfeit saints,

demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended zealots, tough friars, buskin-monks,

and other such sects of men, who disguise themselves like masquers to

deceive the world.  For, whilst they give the common people to understand

that they are busied about nothing but contemplation and devotion in

fastings and maceration of their sensuality--and that only to sustain and

aliment the small frailty of their humanity--it is so far otherwise that,

on the contrary, God knows what cheer they make; Et Curios simulant, sed

Bacchanalia vivunt.  You may read it in great letters in the colouring of

their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, unless it be when

they perfume themselves with sulphur.  As for their study, it is wholly

taken up in reading of Pantagruelian books, not so much to pass the time

merrily as to hurt someone or other mischievously, to wit, in articling,

sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and

diabliculating, that is, calumniating.  Wherein they are like unto the poor

rogues of a village that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the ordure

and filth of little children, in the season of cherries and guinds, and

that only to find the kernels, that they may sell them to the druggists to

make thereof pomander oil.  Fly from these men, abhor and hate them as much

as I do, and upon my faith you will find yourselves the better for it.  And

if you desire to be good Pantagruelists, that is to say, to live in peace,

joy, health, making yourselves always merry, never trust those men that

always peep out at one hole.

End of Book II.

BOOK III.

THE THIRD BOOK

Francois Rabelais to the Soul of the Deceased Queen of Navarre.

  Abstracted soul, ravished with ecstasies,

  Gone back, and now familiar in the skies,

  Thy former host, thy body, leaving quite,

  Which to obey thee always took delight,--

  Obsequious, ready,--now from motion free,

  Senseless, and as it were in apathy,

  Wouldst thou not issue forth for a short space,

  From that divine, eternal, heavenly place,

  To see the third part, in this earthy cell,

  Of the brave acts of good Pantagruel?

The Author’s Prologue.

Good people, most illustrious drinkers, and you, thrice precious gouty

gentlemen, did you ever see Diogenes, and cynic philosopher?  If you have

seen him, you then had your eyes in your head, or I am very much out of my

understanding and logical sense.  It is a gallant thing to see the

clearness of (wine, gold,) the sun.  I’ll be judged by the blind born so

renowned in the sacred Scriptures, who, having at his choice to ask

whatever he would from him who is Almighty, and whose word in an instant is

effectually performed, asked nothing else but that he might see.  Item, you

are not young, which is a competent quality for you to philosophate more

than physically in wine, not in vain, and henceforwards to be of the

Bacchic Council; to the end that, opining there, you may give your opinion

faithfully of the substance, colour, excellent odour, eminency, propriety,

faculty, virtue, and effectual dignity of the said blessed and desired

liquor.

If you have not seen him, as I am easily induced to believe that you have

not, at least you have heard some talk of him.  For through the air, and

the whole extent of this hemisphere of the heavens, hath his report and

fame, even until this present time, remained very memorable and renowned.

Then all of you are derived from the Phrygian blood, if I be not deceived.

If you have not so many crowns as Midas had, yet have you something, I know

not what, of him, which the Persians of old esteemed more of in all their

otacusts, and which was more desired by the Emperor Antonine, and gave

occasion thereafter to the Basilico at Rohan to be surnamed Goodly Ears.

If you have not heard of him, I will presently tell you a story to make

your wine relish.  Drink then,--so, to the purpose.  Hearken now whilst I

give you notice, to the end that you may not, like infidels, be by your

simplicity abused, that in his time he was a rare philosopher and the

cheerfullest of a thousand.  If he had some imperfection, so have you, so

have we; for there is nothing, but God, that is perfect.  Yet so it was,

that by Alexander the Great, although he had Aristotle for his instructor

and domestic, was he held in such estimation, that he wished, if he had not

been Alexander, to have been Diogenes the Sinopian.

When Philip, King of Macedon, enterprised the siege and ruin of Corinth,

the Corinthians having received certain intelligence by their spies that he

with a numerous army in battle-rank was coming against them, were all of

them, not without cause, most terribly afraid; and therefore were not

neglective of their duty in doing their best endeavours to put themselves

in a fit posture to resist his hostile approach and defend their own city.

Some from the fields brought into the fortified places their movables,

bestial, corn, wine, fruit, victuals, and other necessary provision.

Others did fortify and rampire their walls, set up little fortresses,

bastions, squared ravelins, digged trenches, cleansed countermines, fenced

themselves with gabions, contrived platforms, emptied casemates, barricaded

the false brays, erected the cavaliers, repaired the counterscarps,

plastered the curtains, lengthened ravelins, stopped parapets, morticed

barbacans, assured the portcullises, fastened the herses, sarasinesques,

and cataracts, placed their sentries, and doubled their patrol.  Everyone

did watch and ward, and not one was exempted from carrying the basket.

Some polished corslets, varnished backs and breasts, cleaned the

headpieces, mail-coats, brigandines, salads, helmets, morions, jacks,

gushets, gorgets, hoguines, brassars, and cuissars, corslets, haubergeons,

shields, bucklers, targets, greaves, gauntlets, and spurs.  Others made

ready bows, slings, crossbows, pellets, catapults, migrains or fire-balls,

firebrands, balists, scorpions, and other such warlike engines expugnatory

and destructive to the Hellepolides.  They sharpened and prepared spears,

staves, pikes, brown bills, halberds, long hooks, lances, zagayes,

quarterstaves, eelspears, partisans, troutstaves, clubs, battle-axes,

maces, darts, dartlets, glaives, javelins, javelots, and truncheons.  They

set edges upon scimitars, cutlasses, badelairs, backswords, tucks, rapiers,

bayonets, arrow-heads, dags, daggers, mandousians, poniards, whinyards,

knives, skeans, shables, chipping knives, and raillons.

Every man exercised his weapon, every man scoured off the rust from his

natural hanger; nor was there a woman amongst them, though never so

reserved or old, who made not her harness to be well furbished; as you know

the Corinthian women of old were reputed very courageous combatants.

Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, and himself not employed by the

magistrates in any business whatsoever, he did very seriously, for many

days together, without speaking one word, consider and contemplate the

countenance of his fellow-citizens.

Then on a sudden, as if he had been roused up and inspired by a martial

spirit, he girded his cloak scarfwise about his left arm, tucked up his

sleeves to the elbow, trussed himself like a clown gathering apples, and,

giving to one of his old acquaintance his wallet, books, and opistographs,

away went he out of town towards a little hill or promontory of Corinth

called (the) Cranie; and there on the strand, a pretty level place, did he

roll his jolly tub, which served him for a house to shelter him from the

injuries of the weather:  there, I say, in a great vehemency of spirit, did

he turn it, veer it, wheel it, whirl it, frisk it, jumble it, shuffle it,

huddle it, tumble it, hurry it, jolt it, justle it, overthrow it, evert it,

invert it, subvert it, overturn it, beat it, thwack it, bump it, batter it,

knock it, thrust it, push it, jerk it, shock it, shake it, toss it, throw

it, overthrow it, upside down, topsy-turvy, arsiturvy, tread it, trample

it, stamp it, tap it, ting it, ring it, tingle it, towl it, sound it,

resound it, stop it, shut it, unbung it, close it, unstopple it.  And then

again in a mighty bustle he bandied it, slubbered it, hacked it, whittled

it, wayed it, darted it, hurled it, staggered it, reeled it, swinged it,

brangled it, tottered it, lifted it, heaved it, transformed it,

transfigured it, transposed it, transplaced it, reared it, raised it,

hoised it, washed it, dighted it, cleansed it, rinsed it, nailed it,

settled it, fastened it, shackled it, fettered it, levelled it, blocked it,

tugged it, tewed it, carried it, bedashed it, bewrayed it, parched it,

mounted it, broached it, nicked it, notched it, bespattered it, decked it,

adorned it, trimmed it, garnished it, gauged it, furnished it, bored it,

pierced it, trapped it, rumbled it, slid it down the hill, and precipitated

it from the very height of the Cranie; then from the foot to the top (like

another Sisyphus with his stone) bore it up again, and every way so banged

it and belaboured it that it was ten thousand to one he had not struck the

bottom of it out.

Which when one of his friends had seen, and asked him why he did so toil

his body, perplex his spirit, and torment his tub, the philosopher’s answer

was that, not being employed in any other charge by the Republic, he

thought it expedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his tub,

that amongst a people so fervently busy and earnest at work he alone might

not seem a loitering slug and lazy fellow.  To the same purpose may I say

of myself,

  Though I be rid from fear,

  I am not void of care.

For, perceiving no account to be made of me towards the discharge of a

trust of any great concernment, and considering that through all the parts

of this most noble kingdom of France, both on this and on the other side of

the mountains, everyone is most diligently exercised and busied, some in

the fortifying of their own native country for its defence, others in the

repulsing of their enemies by an offensive war; and all this with a policy

so excellent and such admirable order, so manifestly profitable for the

future, whereby France shall have its frontiers most magnifically enlarged,

and the French assured of a long and well-grounded peace, that very little

withholds me from the opinion of good Heraclitus, which affirmeth war to be

the father of all good things; and therefore do I believe that war is in

Latin called bellum, not by antiphrasis, as some patchers of old rusty

Latin would have us to think, because in war there is little beauty to be

seen, but absolutely and simply; for that in war appeareth all that is good

and graceful, and that by the wars is purged out all manner of wickedness

and deformity.  For proof whereof the wise and pacific Solomon could no

better represent the unspeakable perfection of the divine wisdom, than by

comparing it to the due disposure and ranking of an army in battle array,

well provided and ordered.

Therefore, by reason of my weakness and inability, being reputed by my

compatriots unfit for the offensive part of warfare; and on the other side,

being no way employed in matter of the defensive, although it had been but

to carry burthens, fill ditches, or break clods, either whereof had been to

me indifferent, I held it not a little disgraceful to be only an idle

spectator of so many valorous, eloquent, and warlike persons, who in the

view and sight of all Europe act this notable interlude or tragi-comedy,

and not make some effort towards the performance of this, nothing at all

remains for me to be done [‘And not exert myself, and contribute thereto

this nothing, my all, which remained for me to do.’--Ozell.).  In my

opinion, little honour is due to such as are mere lookers-on, liberal of

their eyes, and of their crowns, and hide their silver; scratching their

head with one finger like grumbling puppies, gaping at the flies like tithe

calves; clapping down their ears like Arcadian asses at the melody of

musicians, who with their very countenances in the depth of silence express

their consent to the prosopopoeia.  Having made this choice and election,

it seemed to me that my exercise therein would be neither unprofitable nor

troublesome to any, whilst I should thus set a-going my Diogenical tub,

which is all that is left me safe from the shipwreck of my former

misfortunes.

At this dingle dangle wagging of my tub, what would you have me to do?  By

the Virgin that tucks up her sleeve, I know not as yet.  Stay a little,

till I suck up a draught of this bottle; it is my true and only Helicon; it

is my Caballine fountain; it is my sole enthusiasm.  Drinking thus, I

meditate, discourse, resolve, and conclude.  After that the epilogue is

made, I laugh, I write, I compose, and drink again.  Ennius drinking wrote,

and writing drank.  Aeschylus, if Plutarch in his Symposiacs merit any

faith, drank composing, and drinking composed.  Homer never wrote fasting,

and Cato never wrote till after he had drunk.  These passages I have

brought before you to the end you may not say that I lived without the

example of men well praised and better prized.  It is good and fresh

enough, even as if you would say it is entering upon the second degree.

God, the good God Sabaoth, that is to say, the God of armies, be praised

for it eternally!  If you after the same manner would take one great

draught, or two little ones, whilst you have your gown about you, I truly

find no kind of inconveniency in it, provided you send up to God for all

some small scantling of thanks.

Since then my luck or destiny is such as you have heard--for it is not for

everybody to go to Corinth--I am fully resolved to be so little idle and

unprofitable, that I will set myself to serve the one and the other sort of

people.  Amongst the diggers, pioneers, and rampire-builders, I will do as

did Neptune and Apollo at Troy under Laomedon, or as did Renault of

Montauban in his latter days:  I will serve the masons, I’ll set on the pot

to boil for the bricklayers; and, whilst the minced meat is making ready at

the sound of my small pipe, I’ll measure the muzzle of the musing dotards.

Thus did Amphion with the melody of his harp found, build, and finish the

great and renowned city of Thebes.

For the use of the warriors I am about to broach of new my barrel to give

them a taste (which by two former volumes of mine, if by the deceitfulness

and falsehood of printers they had not been jumbled, marred, and spoiled,

you would have very well relished), and draw unto them, of the growth of

our own trippery pastimes, a gallant third part of a gallon, and

consequently a jolly cheerful quart of Pantagruelic sentences, which you

may lawfully call, if you please, Diogenical:  and shall have me, seeing I

cannot be their fellow-soldier, for their faithful butler, refreshing and

cheering, according to my little power, their return from the alarms of the

enemy; as also for an indefatigable extoller of their martial exploits and

glorious achievements.  I shall not fail therein, par lapathium acutum de

dieu; if Mars fail not in Lent, which the cunning lecher, I warrant you,

will be loth to do.

I remember nevertheless to have read, that Ptolemy, the son of Lagus, one

day, amongst the many spoils and booties which by his victories he had

acquired, presenting to the Egyptians, in the open view of the people, a

Bactrian camel all black, and a party-coloured slave, in such sort as that

the one half of his body was black and the other white, not in partition of

breadth by the diaphragma, as was that woman consecrated to the Indian

Venus whom the Tyanean philosopher did see between the river Hydaspes and

Mount Caucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension of altitude; which were

things never before that seen in Egypt.  He expected by the show of these

novelties to win the love of the people.  But what happened thereupon?  At

the production of the camel they were all affrighted, and offended at the

sight of the party-coloured man--some scoffed at him as a detestable

monster brought forth by the error of nature; in a word, of the hope which

he had to please these Egyptians, and by such means to increase the

affection which they naturally bore him, he was altogether frustrate and

disappointed; understanding fully by their deportments that they took more

pleasure and delight in things that were proper, handsome, and perfect,

than in misshapen, monstrous, and ridiculous creatures.  Since which time

he had both the slave and the camel in such dislike, that very shortly

thereafter, either through negligence, or for want of ordinary sustenance,

they did exchange their life with death.

This example putteth me in a suspense between hope and fear, misdoubting

that, for the contentment which I aim at, I will but reap what shall be

most distasteful to me:  my cake will be dough, and for my Venus I shall

have but some deformed puppy:  instead of serving them, I shall but vex

them, and offend them whom I purpose to exhilarate; resembling in this

dubious adventure Euclion’s cook, so renowned by Plautus in his Pot, and by

Ausonius in his Griphon, and by divers others; which cook, for having by

his scraping discovered a treasure, had his hide well curried.  Put the

case I get no anger by it, though formerly such things fell out, and the

like may occur again.  Yet, by Hercules! it will not.  So I perceive in

them all one and the same specifical form, and the like individual

properties, which our ancestors called Pantagruelism; by virtue whereof

they will bear with anything that floweth from a good, free, and loyal

heart.  I have seen them ordinarily take goodwill in part of payment, and

remain satisfied therewith when one was not able to do better.  Having

despatched this point, I return to my barrel.

Up, my lads, to this wine, spare it not!  Drink, boys, and trowl it off at

full bowls!  If you do not think it good, let it alone.  I am not like

those officious and importunate sots, who by force, outrage, and violence,

constrain an easy good-natured fellow to whiffle, quaff, carouse, and what

is worse.  All honest tipplers, all honest gouty men, all such as are

a-dry, coming to this little barrel of mine, need not drink thereof if it

please them not; but if they have a mind to it, and that the wine prove

agreeable to the tastes of their worshipful worships, let them drink,

frankly, freely, and boldly, without paying anything, and welcome.  This is

my decree, my statute and ordinance.

And let none fear there shall be any want of wine, as at the marriage of

Cana in Galilee; for how much soever you shall draw forth at the faucet, so

much shall I tun in at the bung.  Thus shall the barrel remain

inexhaustible; it hath a lively spring and perpetual current.  Such was the

beverage contained within the cup of Tantalus, which was figuratively

represented amongst the Brachman sages.  Such was in Iberia the mountain of

salt so highly written of by Cato.  Such was the branch of gold consecrated

to the subterranean goddess, which Virgil treats of so sublimely.  It is a

true cornucopia of merriment and raillery.  If at any time it seem to you

to be emptied to the very lees, yet shall it not for all that be drawn

wholly dry.  Good hope remains there at the bottom, as in Pandora’s bottle;

and not despair, as in the puncheon of the Danaids.  Remark well what I

have said, and what manner of people they be whom I do invite; for, to the

end that none be deceived, I, in imitation of Lucilius, who did protest

that he wrote only to his own Tarentines and Consentines, have not pierced

this vessel for any else but you honest men, who are drinkers of the first

edition, and gouty blades of the highest degree.  The great dorophages,

bribe-mongers, have on their hands occupation enough, and enough on the

hooks for their venison.  There may they follow their prey; here is no

garbage for them.  You pettifoggers, garblers, and masters of chicanery,

speak not to me, I beseech you, in the name of, and for the reverence you

bear to the four hips that engendered you and to the quickening peg which

at that time conjoined them.  As for hypocrites, much less; although they

were all of them unsound in body, pockified, scurvy, furnished with

unquenchable thirst and insatiable eating.  (And wherefore?)  Because

indeed they are not of good but of evil, and of that evil from which we

daily pray to God to deliver us.  And albeit we see them sometimes

counterfeit devotion, yet never did old ape make pretty moppet.  Hence,

mastiffs; dogs in a doublet, get you behind; aloof, villains, out of my

sunshine; curs, to the devil!  Do you jog hither, wagging your tails, to

pant at my wine, and bepiss my barrel?  Look, here is the cudgel which

Diogenes, in his last will, ordained to be set by him after his death, for

beating away, crushing the reins, and breaking the backs of these bustuary

hobgoblins and Cerberian hellhounds.  Pack you hence, therefore, you

hypocrites, to your sheep-dogs; get you gone, you dissemblers, to the

devil!  Hay!  What, are you there yet?  I renounce my part of Papimanie, if

I snatch you, Grr, Grrr, Grrrrrr.  Avaunt, avaunt!  Will you not be gone?

May you never shit till you be soundly lashed with stirrup leather, never

piss but by the strapado, nor be otherwise warmed than by the bastinado.

Rabelais Index