Rabelais - The First Book

THE FIRST BOOK.

To the Honoured, Noble Translator of Rabelais.

Rabelais, whose wit prodigiously was made,

All men, professions, actions to invade,

With so much furious vigour, as if it

Had lived o’er each of them, and each had quit,

Yet with such happy sleight and careless skill,

As, like the serpent, doth with laughter kill,

So that although his noble leaves appear

Antic and Gottish, and dull souls forbear

To turn them o’er, lest they should only find

Nothing but savage monsters of a mind,--

No shapen beauteous thoughts; yet when the wise

Seriously strip him of his wild disguise,

Melt down his dross, refine his massy ore,

And polish that which seem’d rough-cast before,

Search his deep sense, unveil his hidden mirth,

And make that fiery which before seem’d earth

(Conquering those things of highest consequence,

What’s difficult of language or of sense),

He will appear some noble table writ

In the old Egyptian hieroglyphic wit;

Where, though you monsters and grotescoes see,

You meet all mysteries of philosophy.

For he was wise and sovereignly bred

To know what mankind is, how ‘t may be led:

He stoop’d unto them, like that wise man, who

Rid on a stick, when ‘s children would do so.

For we are easy sullen things, and must

Be laugh’d aright, and cheated into trust;

Whilst a black piece of phlegm, that lays about

Dull menaces, and terrifies the rout,

And cajoles it, with all its peevish strength

Piteously stretch’d and botch’d up into length,

Whilst the tired rabble sleepily obey

Such opiate talk, and snore away the day,

By all his noise as much their minds relieves,

As caterwauling of wild cats frights thieves.

  But Rabelais was another thing, a man

Made up of all that art and nature can

Form from a fiery genius,--he was one

Whose soul so universally was thrown

Through all the arts of life, who understood

Each stratagem by which we stray from good;

So that he best might solid virtue teach,

As some ‘gainst sins of their own bosoms preach:

He from wise choice did the true means prefer,

In the fool’s coat acting th’ philosopher.

  Thus hoary Aesop’s beasts did mildly tame

Fierce man, and moralize him into shame;

Thus brave romances, while they seem to lay

Great trains of lust, platonic love display;

Thus would old Sparta, if a seldom chance

Show’d a drunk slave, teach children temperance;

Thus did the later poets nobly bring

The scene to height, making the fool the king.

  And, noble sir, you vigorously have trod

In this hard path, unknown, un-understood

By its own countrymen, ‘tis you appear

Our full enjoyment which was our despair,

Scattering his mists, cheering his cynic frowns

(For radiant brightness now dark Rabelais crowns),

Leaving your brave heroic cares, which must

Make better mankind and embalm your dust,

So undeceiving us, that now we see

All wit in Gascon and in Cromarty,

Besides that Rabelais is convey’d to us,

And that our Scotland is not barbarous.

                                      J. De la Salle.

Rablophila.

The First Decade.

The Commendation.

Musa! canas nostrorum in testimonium Amorum,

  Et Gargantueas perpetuato faces,

Utque homini tali resultet nobilis Eccho:

  Quicquid Fama canit, Pantagruelis erit.

The Argument.

  Here I intend mysteriously to sing

    With a pen pluck’d from Fame’s own wing,

Of Gargantua that learn’d breech-wiping king.

Decade the First.

   I.

  Help me, propitious stars; a mighty blaze

    Benumbs me!  I must sound the praise

Of him hath turn’d this crabbed work in such heroic phrase.

   II.

  What wit would not court martyrdom to hold

    Upon his head a laurel of gold,

Where for each rich conceit a Pumpion-pearl is told:

   III.

  And such a one is this, art’s masterpiece,

    A thing ne’er equall’d by old Greece:

A thing ne’er match’d as yet, a real Golden Fleece.

   IV.

  Vice is a soldier fights against mankind;

    Which you may look but never find:

For ‘tis an envious thing, with cunning interlined.

   V.

  And thus he rails at drinking all before ‘em,

    And for lewd women does be-whore ‘em,

And brings their painted faces and black patches to th’ quorum.

   VI.

  To drink he was a furious enemy

    Contented with a six-penny--

(with diamond hatband, silver spurs, six horses.) pie--

   VII.

  And for tobacco’s pate-rotunding smoke,

    Much had he said, and much more spoke,

But ‘twas not then found out, so the design was broke.

   VIII.

  Muse! Fancy! Faith! come now arise aloud,

    Assembled in a blue-vein’d cloud,

And this tall infant in angelic arms now shroud.

   IX.

  To praise it further I would now begin

    Were ‘t now a thoroughfare and inn,

It harbours vice, though ‘t be to catch it in a gin.

   X.

  Therefore, my Muse, draw up thy flowing sail,

    And acclamate a gentle hail

With all thy art and metaphors, which must prevail.

Jam prima Oceani pars est praeterita nostri.

  Imparibus restat danda secunda modis.

Quam si praestiterit mentem Daemon malus addam,

  Cum sapiens totus prodierit Rabelais.

                                             Malevolus.

(Reader, the Errata, which in this book are not a few, are casually lost;

and therefore the Translator, not having leisure to collect them again,

craves thy pardon for such as thou may’st meet with.)

The Author’s Prologue to the First Book.

Most noble and illustrious drinkers, and you thrice precious pockified

blades (for to you, and none else, do I dedicate my writings), Alcibiades,

in that dialogue of Plato’s, which is entitled The Banquet, whilst he was

setting forth the praises of his schoolmaster Socrates (without all

question the prince of philosophers), amongst other discourses to that

purpose, said that he resembled the Silenes.  Silenes of old were little

boxes, like those we now may see in the shops of apothecaries, painted on

the outside with wanton toyish figures, as harpies, satyrs, bridled geese,

horned hares, saddled ducks, flying goats, thiller harts, and other

such-like counterfeited pictures at discretion, to excite people unto

laughter, as Silenus himself, who was the foster-father of good Bacchus, was

wont to do; but within those capricious caskets were carefully preserved and

kept many rich jewels and fine drugs, such as balm, ambergris, amomon, musk,

civet, with several kinds of precious stones, and other things of great

price.  Just such another thing was Socrates.  For to have eyed his outside,

and esteemed of him by his exterior appearance, you would not have given the

peel of an onion for him, so deformed he was in body, and ridiculous in his

gesture.  He had a sharp pointed nose, with the look of a bull, and

countenance of a fool:  he was in his carriage simple, boorish in his

apparel, in fortune poor, unhappy in his wives, unfit for all offices in the

commonwealth, always laughing, tippling, and merrily carousing to everyone,

with continual gibes and jeers, the better by those means to conceal his

divine knowledge.  Now, opening this box you would have found within it a

heavenly and inestimable drug, a more than human understanding, an admirable

virtue, matchless learning, invincible courage, unimitable sobriety, certain

contentment of mind, perfect assurance, and an incredible misregard of all

that for which men commonly do so much watch, run, sail, fight, travel, toil

and turmoil themselves.

Whereunto (in your opinion) doth this little flourish of a preamble tend?

For so much as you, my good disciples, and some other jolly fools of ease

and leisure, reading the pleasant titles of some books of our invention, as

Gargantua, Pantagruel, Whippot (Fessepinte.), the Dignity of Codpieces, of

Pease and Bacon with a Commentary, &c., are too ready to judge that there

is nothing in them but jests, mockeries, lascivious discourse, and

recreative lies; because the outside (which is the title) is usually,

without any farther inquiry, entertained with scoffing and derision.  But

truly it is very unbeseeming to make so slight account of the works of men,

seeing yourselves avouch that it is not the habit makes the monk, many

being monasterially accoutred, who inwardly are nothing less than monachal,

and that there are of those that wear Spanish capes, who have but little of

the valour of Spaniards in them.  Therefore is it, that you must open the

book, and seriously consider of the matter treated in it.  Then shall you

find that it containeth things of far higher value than the box did

promise; that is to say, that the subject thereof is not so foolish as by

the title at the first sight it would appear to be.

And put the case, that in the literal sense you meet with purposes merry

and solacious enough, and consequently very correspondent to their

inscriptions, yet must not you stop there as at the melody of the charming

syrens, but endeavour to interpret that in a sublimer sense which possibly

you intended to have spoken in the jollity of your heart.  Did you ever

pick the lock of a cupboard to steal a bottle of wine out of it?  Tell me

truly, and, if you did, call to mind the countenance which then you had.

Or, did you ever see a dog with a marrowbone in his mouth,--the beast of

all other, says Plato, lib. 2, de Republica, the most philosophical?  If

you have seen him, you might have remarked with what devotion and

circumspectness he wards and watcheth it:  with what care he keeps it:  how

fervently he holds it:  how prudently he gobbets it:  with what affection

he breaks it:  and with what diligence he sucks it.  To what end all this?

What moveth him to take all these pains?  What are the hopes of his labour?

What doth he expect to reap thereby?  Nothing but a little marrow.  True it

is, that this little is more savoury and delicious than the great

quantities of other sorts of meat, because the marrow (as Galen testifieth,

5. facult. nat. & 11. de usu partium) is a nourishment most perfectly

elaboured by nature.

In imitation of this dog, it becomes you to be wise, to smell, feel and

have in estimation these fair goodly books, stuffed with high conceptions,

which, though seemingly easy in the pursuit, are in the cope and encounter

somewhat difficult.  And then, like him, you must, by a sedulous lecture,

and frequent meditation, break the bone, and suck out the marrow,--that is,

my allegorical sense, or the things I to myself propose to be signified by

these Pythagorical symbols, with assured hope, that in so doing you will at

last attain to be both well-advised and valiant by the reading of them:

for in the perusal of this treatise you shall find another kind of taste,

and a doctrine of a more profound and abstruse consideration, which will

disclose unto you the most glorious sacraments and dreadful mysteries, as

well in what concerneth your religion, as matters of the public state, and

life economical.

Do you believe, upon your conscience, that Homer, whilst he was a-couching

his Iliads and Odysses, had any thought upon those allegories, which

Plutarch, Heraclides Ponticus, Eustathius, Cornutus squeezed out of him,

and which Politian filched again from them?  If you trust it, with neither

hand nor foot do you come near to my opinion, which judgeth them to have

been as little dreamed of by Homer, as the Gospel sacraments were by Ovid

in his Metamorphoses, though a certain gulligut friar (Frere Lubin

croquelardon.) and true bacon-picker would have undertaken to prove it, if

perhaps he had met with as very fools as himself, (and as the proverb says)

a lid worthy of such a kettle.

If you give no credit thereto, why do not you the same in these jovial new

chronicles of mine?  Albeit when I did dictate them, I thought upon no more

than you, who possibly were drinking the whilst as I was.  For in the

composing of this lordly book, I never lost nor bestowed any more, nor any

other time than what was appointed to serve me for taking of my bodily

refection, that is, whilst I was eating and drinking.  And indeed that is

the fittest and most proper hour wherein to write these high matters and

deep sciences:  as Homer knew very well, the paragon of all philologues,

and Ennius, the father of the Latin poets, as Horace calls him, although a

certain sneaking jobernol alleged that his verses smelled more of the wine

than oil.

So saith a turlupin or a new start-up grub of my books, but a turd for him.

The fragrant odour of the wine, O how much more dainty, pleasant, laughing

(Riant, priant, friant.), celestial and delicious it is, than that smell of

oil!  And I will glory as much when it is said of me, that I have spent

more on wine than oil, as did Demosthenes, when it was told him, that his

expense on oil was greater than on wine.  I truly hold it for an honour and

praise to be called and reputed a Frolic Gualter and a Robin Goodfellow;

for under this name am I welcome in all choice companies of Pantagruelists.

It was upbraided to Demosthenes by an envious surly knave, that his

Orations did smell like the sarpler or wrapper of a foul and filthy

oil-vessel.  For this cause interpret you all my deeds and sayings in the

perfectest sense; reverence the cheese-like brain that feeds you with these

fair billevezees and trifling jollities, and do what lies in you to keep me

always merry.  Be frolic now, my lads, cheer up your hearts, and joyfully

read the rest, with all the ease of your body and profit of your reins.

But hearken, joltheads, you viedazes, or dickens take ye, remember to drink

a health to me for the like favour again, and I will pledge you instantly,

Tout ares-metys.

Rabelais to the Reader.

Good friends, my Readers, who peruse this Book,

Be not offended, whilst on it you look:

Denude yourselves of all depraved affection,

For it contains no badness, nor infection:

‘Tis true that it brings forth to you no birth

Of any value, but in point of mirth;

Thinking therefore how sorrow might your mind

Consume, I could no apter subject find;

One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span;

Because to laugh is proper to the man.

Chapter 1.I.

Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua.

I must refer you to the great chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of

that genealogy and antiquity of race by which Gargantua is come unto us.

In it you may understand more at large how the giants were born in this

world, and how from them by a direct line issued Gargantua, the father of

Pantagruel:  and do not take it ill, if for this time I pass by it,

although the subject be such, that the oftener it were remembered, the more

it would please your worshipful Seniorias; according to which you have the

authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias; and of Flaccus, who says that

there are some kinds of purposes (such as these are without doubt), which,

the frequentlier they be repeated, still prove the more delectable.

Would to God everyone had as certain knowledge of his genealogy since the

time of the ark of Noah until this age.  I think many are at this day

emperors, kings, dukes, princes, and popes on the earth, whose extraction

is from some porters and pardon-pedlars; as, on the contrary, many are now

poor wandering beggars, wretched and miserable, who are descended of the

blood and lineage of great kings and emperors, occasioned, as I conceive

it, by the transport and revolution of kingdoms and empires, from the

Assyrians to the Medes, from the Medes to the Persians, from the Persians

to the Macedonians, from the Macedonians to the Romans, from the Romans to

the Greeks, from the Greeks to the French.

And to give you some hint concerning myself, who speaks unto you, I cannot

think but I am come of the race of some rich king or prince in former

times; for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a

king, and to be rich, than I have, and that only that I may make good

cheer, do nothing, nor care for anything, and plentifully enrich my

friends, and all honest and learned men.  But herein do I comfort myself,

that in the other world I shall be so, yea and greater too than at this

present I dare wish.  As for you, with the same or a better conceit

consolate yourselves in your distresses, and drink fresh if you can come by

it.

To return to our wethers, I say that by the sovereign gift of heaven, the

antiquity and genealogy of Gargantua hath been reserved for our use more

full and perfect than any other except that of the Messias, whereof I mean

not to speak; for it belongs not unto my purpose, and the devils, that is

to say, the false accusers and dissembled gospellers, will therein oppose

me.  This genealogy was found by John Andrew in a meadow, which he had near

the pole-arch, under the olive-tree, as you go to Narsay:  where, as he was

making cast up some ditches, the diggers with their mattocks struck against

a great brazen tomb, and unmeasurably long, for they could never find the

end thereof, by reason that it entered too far within the sluices of

Vienne.  Opening this tomb in a certain place thereof, sealed on the top

with the mark of a goblet, about which was written in Etrurian letters Hic

Bibitur, they found nine flagons set in such order as they use to rank

their kyles in Gascony, of which that which was placed in the middle had

under it a big, fat, great, grey, pretty, small, mouldy, little pamphlet,

smelling stronger, but no better than roses.  In that book the said

genealogy was found written all at length, in a chancery hand, not in

paper, not in parchment, nor in wax, but in the bark of an elm-tree, yet so

worn with the long tract of time, that hardly could three letters together

be there perfectly discerned.

I (though unworthy) was sent for thither, and with much help of those

spectacles, whereby the art of reading dim writings, and letters that do

not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as Aristotle teacheth it,

did translate the book as you may see in your Pantagruelizing, that is to

say, in drinking stiffly to your own heart’s desire, and reading the

dreadful and horrific acts of Pantagruel.  At the end of the book there was

a little treatise entitled the Antidoted Fanfreluches, or a Galimatia of

extravagant conceits.  The rats and moths, or (that I may not lie) other

wicked beasts, had nibbled off the beginning:  the rest I have hereto

subjoined, for the reverence I bear to antiquity.

Chapter 1.II.

The Antidoted Fanfreluches:  or, a Galimatia of extravagant Conceits found

in an ancient Monument.

No sooner did the Cymbrians’ overcomer

Pass through the air to shun the dew of summer,

But at his coming straight great tubs were fill’d,

With pure fresh butter down in showers distill’d:

Wherewith when water’d was his grandam, Hey,

Aloud he cried, Fish it, sir, I pray y’;

Because his beard is almost all beray’d;

Or, that he would hold to ‘m a scale, he pray’d.

To lick his slipper, some told was much better,

Than to gain pardons, and the merit greater.

In th’ interim a crafty chuff approaches,

From the depth issued, where they fish for roaches;

Who said, Good sirs, some of them let us save,

The eel is here, and in this hollow cave

You’ll find, if that our looks on it demur,

A great waste in the bottom of his fur.

To read this chapter when he did begin,

Nothing but a calf’s horns were found therein;

I feel, quoth he, the mitre which doth hold

My head so chill, it makes my brains take cold.

Being with the perfume of a turnip warm’d,

To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm’d,

Provided that a new thill-horse they made

Of every person of a hair-brain’d head.

They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles,

Of Gilbathar and thousand other holes,

If they might be reduced t’ a scarry stuff,

Such as might not be subject to the cough:

Since ev’ry man unseemly did it find,

To see them gaping thus at ev’ry wind:

For, if perhaps they handsomely were closed,

For pledges they to men might be exposed.

In this arrest by Hercules the raven

Was flayed at her (his) return from Lybia haven.

Why am not I, said Minos, there invited?

Unless it be myself, not one’s omitted:

And then it is their mind, I do no more

Of frogs and oysters send them any store:

In case they spare my life and prove but civil,

I give their sale of distaffs to the devil.

To quell him comes Q.B., who limping frets

At the safe pass of tricksy crackarets:

The boulter, the grand Cyclops’ cousin, those

Did massacre, whilst each one wiped his nose:

Few ingles in this fallow ground are bred,

But on a tanner’s mill are winnowed.

Run thither all of you, th’ alarms sound clear,

You shall have more than you had the last year.

Short while thereafter was the bird of Jove

Resolved to speak, though dismal it should prove;

Yet was afraid, when he saw them in ire,

They should o’erthrow quite flat down dead th’ empire.

He rather choosed the fire from heaven to steal,

To boats where were red herrings put to sale;

Than to be calm ‘gainst those, who strive to brave us,

And to the Massorets’ fond words enslave us.

All this at last concluded gallantly,

In spite of Ate and her hern-like thigh,

Who, sitting, saw Penthesilea ta’en,

In her old age, for a cress-selling quean.

Each one cried out, Thou filthy collier toad,

Doth it become thee to be found abroad?

Thou hast the Roman standard filch’d away,

Which they in rags of parchment did display.

Juno was born, who, under the rainbow,

Was a-bird-catching with her duck below:

When her with such a grievous trick they plied

That she had almost been bethwacked by it.

The bargain was, that, of that throatful, she

Should of Proserpina have two eggs free;

And if that she thereafter should be found,

She to a hawthorn hill should be fast bound.

Seven months thereafter, lacking twenty-two,

He, that of old did Carthage town undo,

Did bravely midst them all himself advance,

Requiring of them his inheritance;

Although they justly made up the division,

According to the shoe-welt-law’s decision,

By distributing store of brews and beef

To these poor fellows that did pen the brief.

But th’ year will come, sign of a Turkish bow,

Five spindles yarn’d, and three pot-bottoms too,

Wherein of a discourteous king the dock

Shall pepper’d be under an hermit’s frock.

Ah! that for one she hypocrite you must

Permit so many acres to be lost!

Cease, cease, this vizard may become another,

Withdraw yourselves unto the serpent’s brother.

‘Tis in times past, that he who is shall reign

With his good friends in peace now and again.

No rash nor heady prince shall then rule crave,

Each good will its arbitrement shall have;

And the joy, promised of old as doom

To the heaven’s guests, shall in its beacon come.

Then shall the breeding mares, that benumb’d were,

Like royal palfreys ride triumphant there.

And this continue shall from time to time,

Till Mars be fetter’d for an unknown crime;

Then shall one come, who others will surpass,

Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace.

Cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast,

All trusty friends of mine; for he’s deceased,

Who would not for a world return again,

So highly shall time past be cried up then.

He who was made of wax shall lodge each member

Close by the hinges of a block of timber.

We then no more shall Master, master, whoot,

The swagger, who th’ alarum bell holds out;

Could one seize on the dagger which he bears,

Heads would be free from tingling in the ears,

To baffle the whole storehouse of abuses.

The thus farewell Apollo and the Muses.

Chapter 1.III.

How Gargantua was carried eleven months in his mother’s belly.

Grangousier was a good fellow in his time, and notable jester; he loved to

drink neat, as much as any man that then was in the world, and would

willingly eat salt meat.  To this intent he was ordinarily well furnished

with gammons of bacon, both of Westphalia, Mayence and Bayonne, with store

of dried neat’s tongues, plenty of links, chitterlings and puddings in

their season; together with salt beef and mustard, a good deal of hard roes

of powdered mullet called botargos, great provision of sausages, not of

Bolonia (for he feared the Lombard Boccone), but of Bigorre, Longaulnay,

Brene, and Rouargue.  In the vigour of his age he married Gargamelle,

daughter to the King of the Parpaillons, a jolly pug, and well-mouthed

wench.  These two did oftentimes do the two-backed beast together, joyfully

rubbing and frotting their bacon ‘gainst one another, in so far, that at

last she became great with child of a fair son, and went with him unto the

eleventh month; for so long, yea longer, may a woman carry her great belly,

especially when it is some masterpiece of nature, and a person

predestinated to the performance, in his due time, of great exploits.  As

Homer says, that the child, which Neptune begot upon the nymph, was born a

whole year after the conception, that is, in the twelfth month.  For, as

Aulus Gellius saith, lib. 3, this long time was suitable to the majesty of

Neptune, that in it the child might receive his perfect form.  For the like

reason Jupiter made the night, wherein he lay with Alcmena, last

forty-eight hours, a shorter time not being sufficient for the forging of

Hercules, who cleansed the world of the monsters and tyrants wherewith it

was suppressed.  My masters, the ancient Pantagruelists, have confirmed

that which I say, and withal declared it to be not only possible, but also

maintained the lawful birth and legitimation of the infant born of a woman

in the eleventh month after the decease of her husband.  Hypocrates, lib.

de alimento.  Plinius, lib. 7, cap. 5.  Plautus, in his Cistelleria.

Marcus Varro, in his satire inscribed The Testament, alleging to this

purpose the authority of Aristotle.  Censorinus, lib. de die natali.

Arist. lib. 7, cap. 3 & 4, de natura animalium.  Gellius, lib. 3, cap. 16.

Servius, in his exposition upon this verse of Virgil’s eclogues, Matri

longa decem, &c., and a thousand other fools, whose number hath been

increased by the lawyers ff. de suis, et legit l. intestato. paragrapho.

fin. and in Auth. de restitut. et ea quae parit in xi mense.  Moreover upon

these grounds they have foisted in their Robidilardic, or Lapiturolive law.

Gallus ff. de lib. et posth. l. sept. ff. de stat. hom., and some other

laws, which at this time I dare not name.  By means whereof the honest

widows may without danger play at the close buttock game with might and

main, and as hard as they can, for the space of the first two months after

the decease of their husbands.  I pray you, my good lusty springal lads, if

you find any of these females, that are worth the pains of untying the

codpiece-point, get up, ride upon them, and bring them to me; for, if they

happen within the third month to conceive, the child should be heir to the

deceased, if, before he died, he had no other children, and the mother

shall pass for an honest woman.

When she is known to have conceived, thrust forward boldly, spare her not,

whatever betide you, seeing the paunch is full.  As Julia, the daughter of

the Emperor Octavian, never prostituted herself to her belly-bumpers, but

when she found herself with child, after the manner of ships, that receive

not their steersman till they have their ballast and lading.  And if any

blame them for this their rataconniculation, and reiterated lechery upon

their pregnancy and big-belliedness, seeing beasts, in the like exigent of

their fulness, will never suffer the male-masculant to encroach them, their

answer will be, that those are beasts, but they are women, very well

skilled in the pretty vales and small fees of the pleasant trade and

mysteries of superfetation:  as Populia heretofore answered, according to

the relation of Macrobius, lib. 2. Saturnal.  If the devil will not have

them to bag, he must wring hard the spigot, and stop the bung-hole.

Chapter 1.IV.

How Gargamelle, being great with Gargantua, did eat a huge deal of tripes.

The occasion and manner how Gargamelle was brought to bed, and delivered of

her child, was thus:  and, if you do not believe it, I wish your bum-gut

fall out and make an escapade.  Her bum-gut, indeed, or fundament escaped

her in an afternoon, on the third day of February, with having eaten at

dinner too many godebillios.  Godebillios are the fat tripes of coiros.

Coiros are beeves fattened at the cratch in ox-stalls, or in the fresh

guimo meadows.  Guimo meadows are those that for their fruitfulness may be

mowed twice a year.  Of those fat beeves they had killed three hundred

sixty-seven thousand and fourteen, to be salted at Shrovetide, that in the

entering of the spring they might have plenty of powdered beef, wherewith

to season their mouths at the beginning of their meals, and to taste their

wine the better.

They had abundance of tripes, as you have heard, and they were so

delicious, that everyone licked his fingers.  But the mischief was this,

that, for all men could do, there was no possibility to keep them long in

that relish; for in a very short while they would have stunk, which had

been an undecent thing.  It was therefore concluded, that they should be

all of them gulched up, without losing anything.  To this effect they

invited all the burghers of Sainais, of Suille, of the Roche-Clermaud, of

Vaugaudry, without omitting the Coudray, Monpensier, the Gue de Vede, and

other their neighbours, all stiff drinkers, brave fellows, and good players

at the kyles.  The good man Grangousier took great pleasure in their

company, and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for anything.

Nevertheless he bade his wife eat sparingly, because she was near her time,

and that these tripes were no very commendable meat.  They would fain, said

he, be at the chewing of ordure, that would eat the case wherein it was.

Notwithstanding these admonitions, she did eat sixteen quarters, two

bushels, three pecks and a pipkin full.  O the fair fecality wherewith she

swelled, by the ingrediency of such shitten stuff!

After dinner they all went out in a hurl to the grove of the willows,

where, on the green grass, to the sound of the merry flutes and pleasant

bagpipes, they danced so gallantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport

to see them so frolic.

Chapter 1.V.

The Discourse of the Drinkers.

Then did they fall upon the chat of victuals and some belly furniture to be

snatched at in the very same place.  Which purpose was no sooner mentioned,

but forthwith began flagons to go, gammons to trot, goblets to fly, great

bowls to ting, glasses to ring.  Draw, reach, fill, mix, give it me without

water.  So, my friend, so, whip me off this glass neatly, bring me hither

some claret, a full weeping glass till it run over.  A cessation and truce

with thirst.  Ha, thou false fever, wilt thou not be gone?  By my figgins,

godmother, I cannot as yet enter in the humour of being merry, nor drink so

currently as I would.  You have catched a cold, gammer?  Yea, forsooth,

sir.  By the belly of Sanct Buff, let us talk of our drink:  I never drink

but at my hours, like the Pope’s mule.  And I never drink but in my

breviary, like a fair father guardian.  Which was first, thirst or

drinking?  Thirst, for who in the time of innocence would have drunk

without being athirst?  Nay, sir, it was drinking; for privatio

praesupponit habitum.  I am learned, you see:  Foecundi calices quem non

fecere disertum?  We poor innocents drink but too much without thirst.  Not

I truly, who am a sinner, for I never drink without thirst, either present

or future.  To prevent it, as you know, I drink for the thirst to come.  I

drink eternally.  This is to me an eternity of drinking, and drinking of

eternity.  Let us sing, let us drink, and tune up our roundelays.  Where is

my funnel?  What, it seems I do not drink but by an attorney?  Do you wet

yourselves to dry, or do you dry to wet you?  Pish, I understand not the

rhetoric (theoric, I should say), but I help myself somewhat by the

practice.  Baste! enough!  I sup, I wet, I humect, I moisten my gullet, I

drink, and all for fear of dying.  Drink always and you shall never die.

If I drink not, I am a-ground, dry, gravelled and spent.  I am stark dead

without drink, and my soul ready to fly into some marsh amongst frogs; the

soul never dwells in a dry place, drouth kills it.  O you butlers, creators

of new forms, make me of no drinker a drinker, a perennity and

everlastingness of sprinkling and bedewing me through these my parched and

sinewy bowels.  He drinks in vain that feels not the pleasure of it.  This

entereth into my veins,--the pissing tools and urinal vessels shall have

nothing of it.  I would willingly wash the tripes of the calf which I

apparelled this morning.  I have pretty well now ballasted my stomach and

stuffed my paunch.  If the papers of my bonds and bills could drink as well

as I do, my creditors would not want for wine when they come to see me, or

when they are to make any formal exhibition of their rights to what of me

they can demand.  This hand of yours spoils your nose.  O how many other

such will enter here before this go out!  What, drink so shallow?  It is

enough to break both girds and petrel.  This is called a cup of

dissimulation, or flagonal hypocrisy.

What difference is there between a bottle and a flagon.  Great difference;

for the bottle is stopped and shut up with a stopple, but the flagon with a

vice (La bouteille est fermee a bouchon, et le flaccon a vis.).  Bravely

and well played upon the words!  Our fathers drank lustily, and emptied

their cans.  Well cacked, well sung!  Come, let us drink:  will you send

nothing to the river?  Here is one going to wash the tripes.  I drink no

more than a sponge.  I drink like a Templar knight.  And I, tanquam

sponsus.  And I, sicut terra sine aqua.  Give me a synonymon for a gammon

of bacon.  It is the compulsory of drinkers:  it is a pulley.  By a

pulley-rope wine is let down into a cellar, and by a gammon into the

stomach. Hey! now, boys, hither, some drink, some drink.  There is no

trouble in it. Respice personam, pone pro duos, bus non est in usu.  If I

could get up as well as I can swallow down, I had been long ere now very

high in the air.

Thus became Tom Tosspot rich,--thus went in the tailor’s stitch.  Thus did

Bacchus conquer th’ Inde--thus Philosophy, Melinde.  A little rain allays a

great deal of wind:  long tippling breaks the thunder.  But if there came

such liquor from my ballock, would you not willingly thereafter suck the

udder whence it issued?  Here, page, fill!  I prithee, forget me not when

it comes to my turn, and I will enter the election I have made of thee into

the very register of my heart.  Sup, Guillot, and spare not, there is

somewhat in the pot.  I appeal from thirst, and disclaim its jurisdiction.

Page, sue out my appeal in form.  This remnant in the bottom of the glass

must follow its leader.  I was wont heretofore to drink out all, but now I

leave nothing.  Let us not make too much haste; it is requisite we carry

all along with us.  Heyday, here are tripes fit for our sport, and, in

earnest, excellent godebillios of the dun ox (you know) with the black

streak.  O, for God’s sake, let us lash them soundly, yet thriftily.

Drink, or I will,--No, no, drink, I beseech you (Ou je vous, je vous

prie.).  Sparrows will not eat unless you bob them on the tail, nor can I

drink if I be not fairly spoke to.  The concavities of my body are like

another Hell for their capacity.  Lagonaedatera (lagon lateris cavitas:

aides orcus: and eteros alter.).  There is not a corner, nor coney-burrow in

all my body, where this wine doth not ferret out my thirst.  Ho, this will

bang it soundly.  But this shall banish it utterly.  Let us wind our horns

by the sound of flagons and bottles, and cry aloud, that whoever hath lost

his thirst come not hither to seek it.  Long clysters of drinking are to be

voided without doors.  The great God made the planets, and we make the

platters neat.  I have the word of the gospel in my mouth, Sitio.  The

stone called asbestos is not more unquenchable than the thirst of my

paternity.  Appetite comes with eating, says Angeston, but the thirst goes

away with drinking.  I have a remedy against thirst, quite contrary to that

which is good against the biting of a mad dog.  Keep running after a dog,

and he will never bite you; drink always before the thirst, and it will

never come upon you.  There I catch you, I awake you.  Argus had a hundred

eyes for his sight, a butler should have (like Briareus) a hundred hands

wherewith to fill us wine indefatigably.  Hey now, lads, let us moisten

ourselves, it will be time to dry hereafter.  White wine here, wine, boys!

Pour out all in the name of Lucifer, fill here, you, fill and fill

(peascods on you) till it be full.  My tongue peels.  Lans trinque; to

thee, countryman, I drink to thee, good fellow, comrade to thee, lusty,

lively!  Ha, la, la, that was drunk to some purpose, and bravely gulped

over.  O lachryma Christi, it is of the best grape!  I’faith, pure Greek,

Greek!  O the fine white wine! upon my conscience, it is a kind of taffetas

wine,--hin, hin, it is of one ear, well wrought, and of good wool.

Courage, comrade, up thy heart, billy!  We will not be beasted at this

bout, for I have got one trick.  Ex hoc in hoc.  There is no enchantment

nor charm there, every one of you hath seen it.  My ‘prenticeship is out, I

am a free man at this trade.  I am prester mast (Prestre mace, maistre

passe.), Prish, Brum!  I should say, master past.  O the drinkers, those

that are a-dry, O poor thirsty souls!  Good page, my friend, fill me here

some, and crown the wine, I pray thee.  Like a cardinal!  Natura abhorret

vacuum.  Would you say that a fly could drink in this?  This is after the

fashion of Switzerland.  Clear off, neat, supernaculum!  Come, therefore,

blades, to this divine liquor and celestial juice, swill it over heartily,

and spare not!  It is a decoction of nectar and ambrosia.

Chapter 1.VI.

How Gargantua was born in a strange manner.

Whilst they were on this discourse and pleasant tattle of drinking,

Gargamelle began to be a little unwell in her lower parts; whereupon

Grangousier arose from off the grass, and fell to comfort her very honestly

and kindly, suspecting that she was in travail, and told her that it was

best for her to sit down upon the grass under the willows, because she was

like very shortly to see young feet, and that therefore it was convenient

she should pluck up her spirits, and take a good heart of new at the fresh

arrival of her baby; saying to her withal, that although the pain was

somewhat grievous to her, it would be but of short continuance, and that

the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow, in such sort that she

should not so much as remember it.  On, with a sheep’s courage! quoth he.

Despatch this boy, and we will speedily fall to work for the making of

another.  Ha! said she, so well as you speak at your own ease, you that are

men!  Well, then, in the name of God, I’ll do my best, seeing that you will

have it so, but would to God that it were cut off from you!  What? said

Grangousier.  Ha, said she, you are a good man indeed, you understand it

well enough.  What, my member? said he.  By the goat’s blood, if it please

you, that shall be done instantly; cause bring hither a knife.  Alas, said

she, the Lord forbid, and pray Jesus to forgive me!  I did not say it from

my heart, therefore let it alone, and do not do it neither more nor less

any kind of harm for my speaking so to you.  But I am like to have work

enough to do to-day and all for your member, yet God bless you and it.

Courage, courage, said he, take you no care of the matter, let the four

foremost oxen do the work.  I will yet go drink one whiff more, and if in

the mean time anything befall you that may require my presence, I will be

so near to you, that, at the first whistling in your fist, I shall be with

you forthwith.  A little while after she began to groan, lament and cry.

Then suddenly came the midwives from all quarters, who groping her below,

found some peloderies, which was a certain filthy stuff, and of a taste

truly bad enough.  This they thought had been the child, but it was her

fundament, that was slipped out with the mollification of her straight

entrail, which you call the bum-gut, and that merely by eating of too many

tripes, as we have showed you before.  Whereupon an old ugly trot in the

company, who had the repute of an expert she-physician, and was come from

Brisepaille, near to Saint Genou, three score years before, made her so

horrible a restrictive and binding medicine, and whereby all her larris,

arse-pipes, and conduits were so oppilated, stopped, obstructed, and

contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your

teeth, which is a terrible thing to think upon; seeing the Devil at the

mass at Saint Martin’s was puzzled with the like task, when with his teeth

he had lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle-tattle of

two young mangy whores.  By this inconvenient the cotyledons of her matrix

were presently loosed, through which the child sprang up and leaped, and

so, entering into the hollow vein, did climb by the diaphragm even above

her shoulders, where the vein divides itself into two, and from thence

taking his way towards the left side, issued forth at her left ear.  As

soon as he was born, he cried not as other babes use to do, Miez, miez,

miez, miez, but with a high, sturdy, and big voice shouted about, Some

drink, some drink, some drink, as inviting all the world to drink with him.

The noise hereof was so extremely great, that it was heard in both the

countries at once of Beauce and Bibarois.  I doubt me, that you do not

thoroughly believe the truth of this strange nativity.  Though you believe

it not, I care not much:  but an honest man, and of good judgment,

believeth still what is told him, and that which he finds written.

Is this beyond our law or our faith--against reason or the holy Scripture?

For my part, I find nothing in the sacred Bible that is against it.  But

tell me, if it had been the will of God, would you say that he could not do

it?  Ha, for favour sake, I beseech you, never emberlucock or inpulregafize

your spirits with these vain thoughts and idle conceits; for I tell you, it

is not impossible with God, and, if he pleased, all women henceforth should

bring forth their children at the ear.  Was not Bacchus engendered out of

the very thigh of Jupiter?  Did not Roquetaillade come out at his mother’s

heel, and Crocmoush from the slipper of his nurse?  Was not Minerva born of

the brain, even through the ear of Jove?  Adonis, of the bark of a myrrh

tree; and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of that egg which was laid and

hatched by Leda?  But you would wonder more, and with far greater

amazement, if I should now present you with that chapter of Plinius,

wherein he treateth of strange births, and contrary to nature, and yet am

not I so impudent a liar as he was.  Read the seventh book of his Natural

History, chap.3, and trouble not my head any more about this.

Chapter 1.VII.

After what manner Gargantua had his name given him, and how he tippled,

bibbed, and curried the can.

The good man Grangousier, drinking and making merry with the rest, heard

the horrible noise which his son had made as he entered into the light of

this world, when he cried out, Some drink, some drink, some drink;

whereupon he said in French, Que grand tu as et souple le gousier! that is

to say, How great and nimble a throat thou hast.  Which the company

hearing, said that verily the child ought to be called Gargantua; because

it was the first word that after his birth his father had spoke, in

imitation, and at the example of the ancient Hebrews; whereunto he

condescended, and his mother was very well pleased therewith.  In the

meanwhile, to quiet the child, they gave him to drink a tirelaregot, that

is, till his throat was like to crack with it; then was he carried to the

font, and there baptized, according to the manner of good Christians.

Immediately thereafter were appointed for him seventeen thousand, nine

hundred, and thirteen cows of the towns of Pautille and Brehemond, to

furnish him with milk in ordinary, for it was impossible to find a nurse

sufficient for him in all the country, considering the great quantity of

milk that was requisite for his nourishment; although there were not

wanting some doctors of the opinion of Scotus, who affirmed that his own

mother gave him suck, and that she could draw out of her breasts one

thousand, four hundred, two pipes, and nine pails of milk at every time.

Which indeed is not probable, and this point hath been found duggishly

scandalous and offensive to tender ears, for that it savoured a little of

heresy.  Thus was he handled for one year and ten months; after which time,

by the advice of physicians, they began to carry him, and then was made for

him a fine little cart drawn with oxen, of the invention of Jan Denio,

wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy; and he was worth

the seeing, for he was a fine boy, had a burly physiognomy, and almost ten

chins.  He cried very little, but beshit himself every hour:  for, to speak

truly of him, he was wonderfully phlegmatic in his posteriors, both by

reason of his natural complexion and the accidental disposition which had

befallen him by his too much quaffing of the Septembral juice.  Yet without

a cause did not he sup one drop; for if he happened to be vexed, angry,

displeased, or sorry, if he did fret, if he did weep, if he did cry, and

what grievous quarter soever he kept, in bringing him some drink, he would

be instantly pacified, reseated in his own temper, in a good humour again,

and as still and quiet as ever.  One of his governesses told me (swearing

by her fig), how he was so accustomed to this kind of way, that, at the

sound of pints and flagons, he would on a sudden fall into an ecstasy, as

if he had then tasted of the joys of paradise; so that they, upon

consideration of this, his divine complexion, would every morning, to cheer

him up, play with a knife upon the glasses, on the bottles with their

stopples, and on the pottle-pots with their lids and covers, at the sound

whereof he became gay, did leap for joy, would loll and rock himself in the

cradle, then nod with his head, monochordizing with his fingers, and

barytonizing with his tail.

Chapter 1.VIII.

How they apparelled Gargantua.

Being of this age, his father ordained to have clothes made to him in his

own livery, which was white and blue.  To work then went the tailors, and

with great expedition were those clothes made, cut, and sewed, according to

the fashion that was then in request.  I find by the ancient records or

pancarts, to be seen in the chamber of accounts, or court of the exchequer

at Montsoreau, that he was accoutred in manner as followeth.  To make him

every shirt of his were taken up nine hundred ells of Chasteleraud linen,

and two hundred for the gussets, in manner of cushions, which they put

under his armpits.  His shirt was not gathered nor plaited, for the

plaiting of shirts was not found out till the seamstresses (when the point

of their needle (Besongner du cul, Englished The eye of the needle.) was

broken) began to work and occupy with the tail.  There were taken up for

his doublet, eight hundred and thirteen ells of white satin, and for his

points fifteen hundred and nine dogs’ skins and a half.  Then was it that

men began to tie their breeches to their doublets, and not their doublets

to their breeches:  for it is against nature, as hath most amply been

showed by Ockham upon the exponibles of Master Haultechaussade.

For his breeches were taken up eleven hundred and five ells and a third of

white broadcloth.  They were cut in the form of pillars, chamfered,

channelled and pinked behind that they might not over-heat his reins:  and

were, within the panes, puffed out with the lining of as much blue damask

as was needful:  and remark, that he had very good leg-harness,

proportionable to the rest of his stature.

For his codpiece were used sixteen ells and a quarter of the same cloth,

and it was fashioned on the top like unto a triumphant arch, most gallantly

fastened with two enamelled clasps, in each of which was set a great

emerald, as big as an orange; for, as says Orpheus, lib. de lapidibus, and

Plinius, libro ultimo, it hath an erective virtue and comfortative of the

natural member.  The exiture, outjecting or outstanding, of his codpiece

was of the length of a yard, jagged and pinked, and withal bagging, and

strutting out with the blue damask lining, after the manner of his

breeches.  But had you seen the fair embroidery of the small needlework

purl, and the curiously interlaced knots, by the goldsmith’s art set out

and trimmed with rich diamonds, precious rubies, fine turquoises, costly

emeralds, and Persian pearls, you would have compared it to a fair

cornucopia, or horn of abundance, such as you see in antiques, or as Rhea

gave to the two nymphs, Amalthea and Ida, the nurses of Jupiter.

And, like to that horn of abundance, it was still gallant, succulent,

droppy, sappy, pithy, lively, always flourishing, always fructifying, full

of juice, full of flower, full of fruit, and all manner of delight.  I avow

God, it would have done one good to have seen him, but I will tell you more

of him in the book which I have made of the dignity of codpieces.  One

thing I will tell you, that as it was both long and large, so was it well

furnished and victualled within, nothing like unto the hypocritical

codpieces of some fond wooers and wench-courtiers, which are stuffed only

with wind, to the great prejudice of the female sex.

For his shoes were taken up four hundred and six ells of blue

crimson-velvet, and were very neatly cut by parallel lines, joined in

uniform cylinders.  For the soling of them were made use of eleven hundred

hides of brown cows, shapen like the tail of a keeling.

For his coat were taken up eighteen hundred ells of blue velvet, dyed in

grain, embroidered in its borders with fair gilliflowers, in the middle

decked with silver purl, intermixed with plates of gold and store of

pearls, hereby showing that in his time he would prove an especial good

fellow and singular whipcan.

His girdle was made of three hundred ells and a half of silken serge, half

white and half blue, if I mistake it not.  His sword was not of Valentia,

nor his dagger of Saragossa, for his father could not endure these hidalgos

borrachos maranisados como diablos:  but he had a fair sword made of wood,

and the dagger of boiled leather, as well painted and gilded as any man

could wish.

His purse was made of the cod of an elephant, which was given him by Herr

Pracontal, proconsul of Lybia.

For his gown were employed nine thousand six hundred ells, wanting

two-thirds, of blue velvet, as before, all so diagonally purled, that by

true perspective issued thence an unnamed colour, like that you see in the

necks of turtle-doves or turkey-cocks, which wonderfully rejoiced the eyes

of the beholders.  For his bonnet or cap were taken up three hundred, two

ells and a quarter of white velvet, and the form thereof was wide and round,

of the bigness of his head; for his father said that the caps of the

Marrabaise fashion, made like the cover of a pasty, would one time or other

bring a mischief on those that wore them.  For his plume, he wore a fair

great blue feather, plucked from an onocrotal of the country of Hircania the

wild, very prettily hanging down over his right ear.  For the jewel or

brooch which in his cap he carried, he had in a cake of gold, weighing three

score and eight marks, a fair piece enamelled, wherein was portrayed a man’s

body with two heads, looking towards one another, four arms, four feet, two

arses, such as Plato, in Symposio, says was the mystical beginning of man’s

nature; and about it was written in Ionic letters, Agame ou zetei ta eautes,

or rather, Aner kai gune zugada anthrotos idiaitata, that is, Vir et mulier

junctim propriissime homo.  To wear about his neck, he had a golden chain,

weighing twenty-five thousand and sixty-three marks of gold, the links

thereof being made after the manner of great berries, amongst which were set

in work green jaspers engraven and cut dragon-like, all environed with beams

and sparks, as king Nicepsos of old was wont to wear them:  and it reached

down to the very bust of the rising of his belly, whereby he reaped great

benefit all his life long, as the Greek physicians know well enough.  For

his gloves were put in work sixteen otters’ skins, and three of the

loupgarous, or men-eating wolves, for the bordering of them:  and of this

stuff were they made, by the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlouand.  As

for the rings which his father would have him to wear, to renew the ancient

mark of nobility, he had on the forefinger of his left hand a carbuncle as

big as an ostrich’s egg, enchased very daintily in gold of the fineness of a

Turkey seraph.  Upon the middle finger of the same hand he had a ring made

of four metals together, of the strangest fashion that ever was seen; so

that the steel did not crash against the gold, nor the silver crush the

copper.  All this was made by Captain Chappuys, and Alcofribas his good

agent.  On the medical finger of his right hand he had a ring made

spire-wise, wherein was set a perfect Balas ruby, a pointed diamond, and

a Physon emerald, of an inestimable value.  For Hans Carvel, the king of

Melinda’s jeweller, esteemed them at the rate of threescore nine millions,

eight hundred ninety-four thousand, and eighteen French crowns of Berry, and

at so much did the Foucres of Augsburg prize them.

Chapter 1.IX.

The colours and liveries of Gargantua.

Gargantua’s colours were white and blue, as I have showed you before, by

which his father would give us to understand that his son to him was a

heavenly joy; for the white did signify gladness, pleasure, delight, and

rejoicing, and the blue, celestial things.  I know well enough that, in

reading this, you laugh at the old drinker, and hold this exposition of

colours to be very extravagant, and utterly disagreeable to reason, because

white is said to signify faith, and blue constancy.  But without moving,

vexing, heating, or putting you in a chafe (for the weather is dangerous),

answer me, if it please you; for no other compulsory way of arguing will I

use towards you, or any else; only now and then I will mention a word or

two of my bottle.  What is it that induceth you, what stirs you up to

believe, or who told you that white signifieth faith, and blue constancy?

An old paltry book, say you, sold by the hawking pedlars and balladmongers,

entitled The Blason of Colours.  Who made it?  Whoever it was, he was wise

in that he did not set his name to it.  But, besides, I know not what I

should rather admire in him, his presumption or his sottishness.  His

presumption and overweening, for that he should without reason, without

cause, or without any appearance of truth, have dared to prescribe, by his

private authority, what things should be denotated and signified by the

colour:  which is the custom of tyrants, who will have their will to bear

sway in stead of equity, and not of the wise and learned, who with the

evidence of reason satisfy their readers.  His sottishness and want of

spirit, in that he thought that, without any other demonstration or

sufficient argument, the world would be pleased to make his blockish and

ridiculous impositions the rule of their devices.  In effect, according to

the proverb, To a shitten tail fails never ordure, he hath found, it seems,

some simple ninny in those rude times of old, when the wearing of high

round bonnets was in fashion, who gave some trust to his writings,

according to which they carved and engraved their apophthegms and mottoes,

trapped and caparisoned their mules and sumpter-horses, apparelled their

pages, quartered their breeches, bordered their gloves, fringed the

curtains and valances of their beds, painted their ensigns, composed songs,

and, which is worse, placed many deceitful jugglings and unworthy base

tricks undiscoveredly amongst the very chastest matrons and most reverend

sciences.  In the like darkness and mist of ignorance are wrapped up these

vain-glorious courtiers and name-transposers, who, going about in their

impresas to signify esperance (that is, hope), have portrayed a sphere--and

birds’ pennes for pains--l’ancholie (which is the flower colombine) for

melancholy--a waning moon or crescent, to show the increasing or rising of

one’s fortune--a bench rotten and broken, to signify bankrupt--non and a

corslet for non dur habit (otherwise non durabit, it shall not last), un

lit sans ciel, that is, a bed without a tester, for un licencie, a

graduated person, as bachelor in divinity or utter barrister-at-law; which

are equivocals so absurd and witless, so barbarous and clownish, that a

fox’s tail should be fastened to the neck-piece of, and a vizard made of a

cowsherd given to everyone that henceforth should offer, after the

restitution of learning, to make use of any such fopperies in France.

By the same reasons (if reasons I should call them, and not ravings rather,

and idle triflings about words), might I cause paint a pannier, to signify

that I am in pain--a mustard-pot, that my heart tarries much for’t--one

pissing upwards for a bishop--the bottom of a pair of breeches for a vessel

full of fart-hings--a codpiece for the office of the clerks of the

sentences, decrees, or judgments, or rather, as the English bears it, for

the tail of a codfish--and a dog’s turd for the dainty turret wherein lies

the love of my sweetheart.  Far otherwise did heretofore the sages of

Egypt, when they wrote by letters, which they called hieroglyphics, which

none understood who were not skilled in the virtue, property, and nature of

the things represented by them.  Of which Orus Apollon hath in Greek

composed two books, and Polyphilus, in his Dream of Love, set down more.

In France you have a taste of them in the device or impresa of my Lord

Admiral, which was carried before that time by Octavian Augustus.  But my

little skiff alongst these unpleasant gulfs and shoals will sail no

further, therefore must I return to the port from whence I came.  Yet do I

hope one day to write more at large of these things, and to show both by

philosophical arguments and authorities, received and approved of by and

from all antiquity, what, and how many colours there are in nature, and

what may be signified by every one of them, if God save the mould of my

cap, which is my best wine-pot, as my grandam said.

Chapter 1.X.

Of that which is signified by the colours white and blue.

The white therefore signifieth joy, solace, and gladness, and that not at

random, but upon just and very good grounds:  which you may perceive to be

true, if laying aside all prejudicate affections, you will but give ear to

what presently I shall expound unto you.

Aristotle saith that, supposing two things contrary in their kind, as good

and evil, virtue and vice, heat and cold, white and black, pleasure and

pain, joy and grief,--and so of others,--if you couple them in such manner

that the contrary of one kind may agree in reason with the contrary of the

other, it must follow by consequence that the other contrary must answer to

the remanent opposite to that wherewith it is conferred.  As, for example,

virtue and vice are contrary in one kind, so are good and evil.  If one of

the contraries of the first kind be consonant to one of those of the

second, as virtue and goodness, for it is clear that virtue is good, so

shall the other two contraries, which are evil and vice, have the same

connection, for vice is evil.

This logical rule being understood, take these two contraries, joy and

sadness; then these other two, white and black, for they are physically

contrary.  If so be, then, that black do signify grief, by good reason then

should white import joy.  Nor is this signification instituted by human

imposition, but by the universal consent of the world received, which

philosophers call Jus Gentium, the Law of Nations, or an uncontrollable

right of force in all countries whatsoever.  For you know well enough that

all people, and all languages and nations, except the ancient Syracusans

and certain Argives, who had cross and thwarting souls, when they mean

outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow, go in black; and all mourning

is done with black.  Which general consent is not without some argument and

reason in nature, the which every man may by himself very suddenly

comprehend, without the instruction of any--and this we call the law of

nature.  By virtue of the same natural instinct we know that by white all

the world hath understood joy, gladness, mirth, pleasure, and delight.  In

former times the Thracians and Cretans did mark their good, propitious, and

fortunate days with white stones, and their sad, dismal, and unfortunate

ones with black.  Is not the night mournful, sad, and melancholic?  It is

black and dark by the privation of light.  Doth not the light comfort all

the world?  And it is more white than anything else.  Which to prove, I

could direct you to the book of Laurentius Valla against Bartolus; but an

evangelical testimony I hope will content you.  Matth. 17 it is said that,

at the transfiguration of our Lord, Vestimenta ejus facta sunt alba sicut

lux, his apparel was made white like the light.  By which lightsome

whiteness he gave his three apostles to understand the idea and figure of

the eternal joys; for by the light are all men comforted, according to the

word of the old woman, who, although she had never a tooth in her head, was

wont to say, Bona lux.  And Tobit, chap.5, after he had lost his sight,

when Raphael saluted him, answered, What joy can I have, that do not see

the light of Heaven?  In that colour did the angels testify the joy of the

whole world at the resurrection of our Saviour, John 20, and at his

ascension, Acts 1.  With the like colour of vesture did St. John the

Evangelist, Apoc. 4.7, see the faithful clothed in the heavenly and blessed

Jerusalem.

Read the ancient, both Greek and Latin histories, and you shall find that

the town of Alba (the first pattern of Rome) was founded and so named by

reason of a white sow that was seen there.  You shall likewise find in

those stories, that when any man, after he had vanquished his enemies, was

by decree of the senate to enter into Rome triumphantly, he usually rode in

a chariot drawn by white horses:  which in the ovation triumph was also the

custom; for by no sign or colour would they so significantly express the

joy of their coming as by the white.  You shall there also find, how

Pericles, the general of the Athenians, would needs have that part of his

army unto whose lot befell the white beans, to spend the whole day in

mirth, pleasure, and ease, whilst the rest were a-fighting.  A thousand

other examples and places could I allege to this purpose, but that it is

not here where I should do it.

By understanding hereof, you may resolve one problem, which Alexander

Aphrodiseus hath accounted unanswerable:  why the lion, who with his only

cry and roaring affrights all beasts, dreads and feareth only a white cock?

For, as Proclus saith, Libro de Sacrificio et Magia, it is because the

presence of the virtue of the sun, which is the organ and promptuary of all

terrestrial and sidereal light, doth more symbolize and agree with a white

cock, as well in regard of that colour, as of his property and specifical

quality, than with a lion.  He saith, furthermore, that devils have been

often seen in the shape of lions, which at the sight of a white cock have

presently vanished.  This is the cause why Galli or Gallices (so are the

Frenchmen called, because they are naturally white as milk, which the

Greeks call Gala,) do willingly wear in their caps white feathers, for by

nature they are of a candid disposition, merry, kind, gracious, and

well-beloved, and for their cognizance and arms have the whitest flower

of any, the Flower de luce or Lily.

If you demand how, by white, nature would have us understand joy and

gladness, I answer, that the analogy and uniformity is thus.  For, as the

white doth outwardly disperse and scatter the rays of the sight, whereby

the optic spirits are manifestly dissolved, according to the opinion of

Aristotle in his problems and perspective treatises; as you may likewise

perceive by experience, when you pass over mountains covered with snow, how

you will complain that you cannot see well; as Xenophon writes to have

happened to his men, and as Galen very largely declareth, lib. 10, de usu

partium:  just so the heart with excessive joy is inwardly dilated, and

suffereth a manifest resolution of the vital spirits, which may go so far

on that it may thereby be deprived of its nourishment, and by consequence

of life itself, by this perichary or extremity of gladness, as Galen saith,

lib. 12, method, lib. 5, de locis affectis, and lib. 2, de symptomatum

causis.  And as it hath come to pass in former times, witness Marcus

Tullius, lib. 1, Quaest. Tuscul., Verrius, Aristotle, Titus Livius, in his

relation of the battle of Cannae, Plinius, lib. 7, cap. 32 and 34, A.

Gellius, lib. 3, c. 15, and many other writers,--to Diagoras the Rhodian,

Chilon, Sophocles, Dionysius the tyrant of Sicily, Philippides, Philemon,

Polycrates, Philistion, M. Juventi, and others who died with joy.  And as

Avicen speaketh, in 2 canon et lib. de virib. cordis, of the saffron, that

it doth so rejoice the heart that, if you take of it excessively, it will

by a superfluous resolution and dilation deprive it altogether of life.

Here peruse Alex. Aphrodiseus, lib. 1, Probl., cap. 19, and that for a

cause.  But what?  It seems I am entered further into this point than I

intended at the first.  Here, therefore, will I strike sail, referring the

rest to that book of mine which handleth this matter to the full.

Meanwhile, in a word I will tell you, that blue doth certainly signify

heaven and heavenly things, by the same very tokens and symbols that white

signifieth joy and pleasure.

Chapter 1.XI.

Of the youthful age of Gargantua.

Gargantua, from three years upwards unto five, was brought up and

instructed in all convenient discipline by the commandment of his father;

and spent that time like the other little children of the country, that is,

in drinking, eating, and sleeping:  in eating, sleeping, and drinking:  and

in sleeping, drinking, and eating.  Still he wallowed and rolled up and

down himself in the mire and dirt--he blurred and sullied his nose with

filth--he blotted and smutched his face with any kind of scurvy stuff--he

trod down his shoes in the heel--at the flies he did oftentimes yawn, and

ran very heartily after the butterflies, the empire whereof belonged to his

father.  He pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and wiped his nose on

his sleeve--he did let his snot and snivel fall in his pottage, and

dabbled, paddled, and slobbered everywhere--he would drink in his slipper,

and ordinarily rub his belly against a pannier.  He sharpened his teeth

with a top, washed his hands with his broth, and combed his head with a

bowl.  He would sit down betwixt two stools, and his arse to the ground

--would cover himself with a wet sack, and drink in eating of his soup.  He

did eat his cake sometimes without bread, would bite in laughing, and laugh

in biting.  Oftentimes did he spit in the basin, and fart for fatness, piss

against the sun, and hide himself in the water for fear of rain.  He would

strike out of the cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle

it.  He would flay the fox, say the ape’s paternoster, return to his sheep,

and turn the hogs to the hay.  He would beat the dogs before the lion, put

the plough before the oxen, and claw where it did not itch.  He would pump

one to draw somewhat out of him, by griping all would hold fast nothing,

and always eat his white bread first.  He shoed the geese, kept a

self-tickling to make himself laugh, and was very steadable in the kitchen:

made a mock at the gods, would cause sing Magnificat at matins, and found

it very convenient so to do.  He would eat cabbage, and shite beets,--knew

flies in a dish of milk, and would make them lose their feet.  He would

scrape paper, blur parchment, then run away as hard as he could.  He would

pull at the kid’s leather, or vomit up his dinner, then reckon without his

host.  He would beat the bushes without catching the birds, thought the

moon was made of green cheese, and that bladders are lanterns.  Out of one

sack he would take two moultures or fees for grinding; would act the ass’s

part to get some bran, and of his fist would make a mallet.  He took the

cranes at the first leap, and would have the mail-coats to be made link

after link.  He always looked a given horse in the mouth, leaped from the

cock to the ass, and put one ripe between two green.  By robbing Peter he

paid Paul, he kept the moon from the wolves, and hoped to catch larks if

ever the heavens should fall.  He did make of necessity virtue, of such

bread such pottage, and cared as little for the peeled as for the shaven.

Every morning he did cast up his gorge, and his father’s little dogs eat

out of the dish with him, and he with them.  He would bite their ears, and

they would scratch his nose--he would blow in their arses, and they would

lick his chaps.

But hearken, good fellows, the spigot ill betake you, and whirl round your

brains, if you do not give ear!  This little lecher was always groping his

nurses and governesses, upside down, arsiversy, topsyturvy, harri

bourriquet, with a Yacco haick, hyck gio! handling them very rudely in

jumbling and tumbling them to keep them going; for he had already begun to

exercise the tools, and put his codpiece in practice.  Which codpiece, or

braguette, his governesses did every day deck up and adorn with fair

nosegays, curious rubies, sweet flowers, and fine silken tufts, and very

pleasantly would pass their time in taking you know what between their

fingers, and dandling it, till it did revive and creep up to the bulk and

stiffness of a suppository, or street magdaleon, which is a hard rolled-up

salve spread upon leather.  Then did they burst out in laughing, when they

saw it lift up its ears, as if the sport had liked them.  One of them would

call it her little dille, her staff of love, her quillety, her faucetin,

her dandilolly.  Another, her peen, her jolly kyle, her bableret, her

membretoon, her quickset imp:  another again, her branch of coral, her

female adamant, her placket-racket, her Cyprian sceptre, her jewel for

ladies.  And some of the other women would give it these names,--my

bunguetee, my stopple too, my bush-rusher, my gallant wimble, my pretty

borer, my coney-burrow-ferret, my little piercer, my augretine, my dangling

hangers, down right to it, stiff and stout, in and to, my pusher, dresser,

pouting stick, my honey pipe, my pretty pillicock, linky pinky, futilletie,

my lusty andouille, and crimson chitterling, my little couille bredouille,

my pretty rogue, and so forth.  It belongs to me, said one.  It is mine,

said the other.  What, quoth a third, shall I have no share in it?  By my

faith, I will cut it then.  Ha, to cut it, said the other, would hurt him.

Madam, do you cut little children’s things?  Were his cut off, he would be

then Monsieur sans queue, the curtailed master.  And that he might play and

sport himself after the manner of the other little children of the country,

they made him a fair weather whirl-jack of the wings of the windmill of

Myrebalais.

Chapter 1.XII.

Of Gargantua’s wooden horses.

Afterwards, that he might be all his lifetime a good rider, they made to

him a fair great horse of wood, which he did make leap, curvet, jerk out

behind, and skip forward, all at a time:  to pace, trot, rack, gallop,

amble, to play the hobby, the hackney-gelding:  go the gait of the camel,

and of the wild ass.  He made him also change his colour of hair, as the

monks of Coultibo (according to the variety of their holidays) use to do

their clothes, from bay brown, to sorrel, dapple-grey, mouse-dun,

deer-colour, roan, cow-colour, gingioline, skewed colour, piebald, and the

colour of the savage elk.

Himself of a huge big post made a hunting nag, and another for daily

service of the beam of a vinepress:  and of a great oak made up a mule,

with a footcloth, for his chamber.  Besides this, he had ten or twelve

spare horses, and seven horses for post; and all these were lodged in his

own chamber, close by his bedside.  One day the Lord of Breadinbag

(Painensac.) came to visit his father in great bravery, and with a gallant

train:  and, at the same time, to see him came likewise the Duke of

Freemeal (Francrepas.) and the Earl of Wetgullet (Mouillevent.).  The house

truly for so many guests at once was somewhat narrow, but especially the

stables; whereupon the steward and harbinger of the said Lord Breadinbag,

to know if there were any other empty stable in the house, came to

Gargantua, a little young lad, and secretly asked him where the stables of

the great horses were, thinking that children would be ready to tell all.

Then he led them up along the stairs of the castle, passing by the second

hall unto a broad great gallery, by which they entered into a large tower,

and as they were going up at another pair of stairs, said the harbinger to

the steward, This child deceives us, for the stables are never on the top

of the house.  You may be mistaken, said the steward, for I know some

places at Lyons, at the Basmette, at Chaisnon, and elsewhere, which have

their stables at the very tops of the houses:  so it may be that behind the

house there is a way to come to this ascent.  But I will question with him

further.  Then said he to Gargantua, My pretty little boy, whither do you

lead us?  To the stable, said he, of my great horses.  We are almost come

to it; we have but these stairs to go up at.  Then leading them alongst

another great hall, he brought them into his chamber, and, opening the

door, said unto them, This is the stable you ask for; this is my jennet;

this is my gelding; this is my courser, and this is my hackney, and laid on

them with a great lever.  I will bestow upon you, said he, this Friesland

horse; I had him from Frankfort, yet will I give him you; for he is a

pretty little nag, and will go very well, with a tessel of goshawks, half a

dozen of spaniels, and a brace of greyhounds:  thus are you king of the

hares and partridges for all this winter.  By St. John, said they, now we

are paid, he hath gleeked us to some purpose, bobbed we are now for ever.

I deny it, said he,--he was not here above three days.  Judge you now,

whether they had most cause, either to hide their heads for shame, or to

laugh at the jest.  As they were going down again thus amazed, he asked

them, Will you have a whimwham (Aubeliere.)?  What is that, said they?  It

is, said he, five turds to make you a muzzle.  To-day, said the steward,

though we happen to be roasted, we shall not be burnt, for we are pretty

well quipped and larded, in my opinion.  O my jolly dapper boy, thou hast

given us a gudgeon; I hope to see thee Pope before I die.  I think so, said

he, myself; and then shall you be a puppy, and this gentle popinjay a

perfect papelard, that is, dissembler.  Well, well, said the harbinger.

But, said Gargantua, guess how many stitches there are in my mother’s

smock.  Sixteen, quoth the harbinger.  You do not speak gospel, said

Gargantua, for there is cent before, and cent behind, and you did not

reckon them ill, considering the two under holes.  When? said the

harbinger.  Even then, said Gargantua, when they made a shovel of your nose

to take up a quarter of dirt, and of your throat a funnel, wherewith to put

it into another vessel, because the bottom of the old one was out.

Cocksbod, said the steward, we have met with a prater.  Farewell, master

tattler, God keep you, so goodly are the words which you come out with, and

so fresh in your mouth, that it had need to be salted.

Thus going down in great haste, under the arch of the stairs they let fall

the great lever, which he had put upon their backs; whereupon Gargantua

said, What a devil! you are, it seems, but bad horsemen, that suffer your

bilder to fail you when you need him most.  If you were to go from hence to

Cahusac, whether had you rather, ride on a gosling or lead a sow in a

leash?  I had rather drink, said the harbinger.  With this they entered

into the lower hall, where the company was, and relating to them this new

story, they made them laugh like a swarm of flies.

Chapter 1.XIII.

How Gargantua’s wonderful understanding became known to his father

Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or wipebreech.

About the end of the fifth year, Grangousier returning from the conquest of

the Canarians, went by the way to see his son Gargantua.  There was he

filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of

his:  and whilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish

questions of him about divers matters, and drank very freely with him and

with his governesses, of whom in great earnest he asked, amongst other

things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet.  To this

Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that

in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he.  How

is that? said Grangousier.  I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and

curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the

most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen.  What is that?

said Grangousier, how is it?  I will tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua.

Once I did wipe me with a gentle-woman’s velvet mask, and found it to be

good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my

fundament.  Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that

was comfortable.  At another time with a lady’s neckerchief, and after that

I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there

was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox

take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance.

Now I wish St. Antony’s fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made

them, and of her that wore them!  This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a

page’s cap, garnished with a feather after the Switzers’ fashion.

Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I

wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and

exulcerated all my perinee.  Of this I recovered the next morning

thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother’s gloves, of a most excellent

perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin.  After that I wiped me with sage,

with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with

beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows,

wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with spinach leaves.

All this did very great good to my leg.  Then with mercury, with parsley,

with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy,

which I healed by wiping me with my braguette.  Then I wiped my tail in the

sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras

hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a

handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than

do the mangy dogs when you rub them.  Yea, but, said Grangousier, which

torchecul did you find to be the best?  I was coming to it, said Gargantua,

and by-and-by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and

knot of the matter.  I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with

thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but,

  Who his foul tail with paper wipes,

  Shall at his ballocks leave some chips.

What, said Grangousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that

thou dost rhyme already?  Yes, yes, my lord the king, answered Gargantua, I

can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till I become hoarse with rheum.  Hark, what

our privy says to the skiters:

Shittard,

Squirtard,

Crackard,

   Turdous,

Thy bung

Hath flung

Some dung

   On us:

Filthard,

Cackard,

Stinkard,

   St. Antony’s fire seize on thy toane (bone?),

If thy

Dirty

Dounby

   Thou do not wipe, ere thou be gone.

Will you have any more of it?  Yes, yes, answered Grangousier.  Then, said

Gargantua,

A Roundelay.

In shitting yes’day I did know

The sess I to my arse did owe:

The smell was such came from that slunk,

That I was with it all bestunk:

O had but then some brave Signor

Brought her to me I waited for,

   In shitting!

I would have cleft her watergap,

And join’d it close to my flipflap,

Whilst she had with her fingers guarded

My foul nockandrow, all bemerded

   In shitting.

Now say that I can do nothing!  By the Merdi, they are not of my making,

but I heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever

since have retained them in the budget of my memory.

Let us return to our purpose, said Grangousier.  What, said Gargantua, to

skite?  No, said Grangousier, but to wipe our tail.  But, said Gargantua,

will not you be content to pay a puncheon of Breton wine, if I do not blank

and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus?  Yes, truly, said

Grangousier.

There is no need of wiping one’s tail, said Gargantua, but when it is foul;

foul it cannot be, unless one have been a-skiting; skite then we must

before we wipe our tails.  O my pretty little waggish boy, said

Grangousier, what an excellent wit thou hast?  I will make thee very

shortly proceed doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that, by

G--, for thou hast more wit than age.  Now, I prithee, go on in this

torcheculative, or wipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard I swear, for

one puncheon, thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton

wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verron.

Afterwards I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow,

with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and

unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat.  Of hats, note that some are shorn,

and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffeties, and others

with satin.  The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very

neat abstersion of the fecal matter.

Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a

calf’s skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an

attorney’s bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer’s lure.  But,

to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps,

bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is

none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed,

if you hold her head betwixt your legs.  And believe me therein upon mine

honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful

pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the

temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut

and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of

the heart and brains.  And think not that the felicity of the heroes and

demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel,

ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this,

according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a

goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of

Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus.

Chapter 1.XIV.

How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister.

The good man Grangousier having heard this discourse, was ravished with

admiration, considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his

son Gargantua, and said to his governesses, Philip, king of Macedon, knew

the great wit of his son Alexander by his skilful managing of a horse; for

his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure

to ride him, after that he had given to his riders such devilish falls,

breaking the neck of this man, the other man’s leg, braining one, and

putting another out of his jawbone.  This by Alexander being considered,

one day in the hippodrome (which was a place appointed for the breaking and

managing of great horses), he perceived that the fury of the horse

proceeded merely from the fear he had of his own shadow, whereupon getting

on his back, he run him against the sun, so that the shadow fell behind,

and by that means tamed the horse and brought him to his hand.  Whereby his

father, knowing the divine judgment that was in him, caused him most

carefully to be instructed by Aristotle, who at that time was highly

renowned above all the philosophers of Greece.  After the same manner I

tell you, that by this only discourse, which now I have here had before you

with my son Gargantua, I know that his understanding doth participate of

some divinity, and that, if he be well taught, and have that education

which is fitting, he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdom.  Therefore

will I commit him to some learned man, to have him indoctrinated according

to his capacity, and will spare no cost.  Presently they appointed him a

great sophister-doctor, called Master Tubal Holofernes, who taught him his

ABC so well, that he could say it by heart backwards; and about this he was

five years and three months.  Then read he to him Donat, Le Facet,

Theodolet, and Alanus in parabolis.  About this he was thirteen years, six

months, and two weeks.  But you must remark that in the mean time he did

learn to write in Gothic characters, and that he wrote all his books--for

the art of printing was not then in use--and did ordinarily carry a great

pen and inkhorn, weighing about seven thousand quintals (that is, 700,000

pound weight), the penner whereof was as big and as long as the great

pillars of Enay, and the horn was hanging to it in great iron chains, it

being of the wideness of a tun of merchant ware.  After that he read unto

him the book de modis significandi, with the commentaries of Hurtbise, of

Fasquin, of Tropdieux, of Gualhaut, of John Calf, of Billonio, of

Berlinguandus, and a rabble of others; and herein he spent more than

eighteen years and eleven months, and was so well versed in it that, to try

masteries in school disputes with his condisciples, he would recite it by

heart backwards, and did sometimes prove on his finger-ends to his mother,

quod de modis significandi non erat scientia.  Then did he read to him the

compost for knowing the age of the moon, the seasons of the year, and tides

of the sea, on which he spent sixteen years and two months, and that justly

at the time that his said preceptor died of the French pox, which was in

the year one thousand four hundred and twenty.  Afterwards he got an old

coughing fellow to teach him, named Master Jobelin Bride, or muzzled dolt,

who read unto him Hugutio, Hebrard[‘s) Grecism, the Doctrinal, the Parts,

the Quid est, the Supplementum, Marmotretus, De moribus in mensa servandis,

Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus, Passavantus cum commento, and

Dormi secure for the holidays, and some other of such like mealy stuff, by

reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an oven.

Chapter 1.XV.

How Gargantua was put under other schoolmasters.

At the last his father perceived that indeed he studied hard, and that,

although he spent all his time in it, he did nevertheless profit nothing,

but which is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, doted, and blockish,

whereof making a heavy regret to Don Philip of Marays, Viceroy or Depute

King of Papeligosse, he found that it were better for him to learn nothing

at all, than to be taught such-like books, under such schoolmasters;

because their knowledge was nothing but brutishness, and their wisdom but

blunt foppish toys, serving only to bastardize good and noble spirits, and

to corrupt all the flower of youth.  That it is so, take, said he, any

young boy of this time who hath only studied two years,--if he have not a

better judgment, a better discourse, and that expressed in better terms

than your son, with a completer carriage and civility to all manner of

persons, account me for ever hereafter a very clounch and bacon-slicer of

Brene.  This pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that it should

be done.  At night at supper, the said Des Marays brought in a young page

of his, of Ville-gouges, called Eudemon, so neat, so trim, so handsome in

his apparel, so spruce, with his hair in so good order, and so sweet and

comely in his behaviour, that he had the resemblance of a little angel more

than of a human creature.  Then he said to Grangousier, Do you see this

young boy?  He is not as yet full twelve years old.  Let us try, if it

please you, what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the doting

Mateologians of old time and the young lads that are now.  The trial

pleased Grangousier, and he commanded the page to begin.  Then Eudemon,

asking leave of the vice-king his master so to do, with his cap in his

hand, a clear and open countenance, beautiful and ruddy lips, his eyes

steady, and his looks fixed upon Gargantua with a youthful modesty,

standing up straight on his feet, began very gracefully to commend him;

first, for his virtue and good manners; secondly, for his knowledge,

thirdly, for his nobility; fourthly, for his bodily accomplishments; and,

in the fifth place, most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father with

all due observancy, who was so careful to have him well brought up.  In the

end he prayed him, that he would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the

least of his servants; for other favour at that time desired he none of

heaven, but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable service.  All

this was by him delivered with such proper gestures, such distinct

pronunciation, so pleasant a delivery, in such exquisite fine terms, and so

good Latin, that he seemed rather a Gracchus, a Cicero, an Aemilius of the

time past, than a youth of this age.  But all the countenance that

Gargantua kept was, that he fell to crying like a cow, and cast down his

face, hiding it with his cap, nor could they possibly draw one word from

him, no more than a fart from a dead ass.  Whereat his father was so

grievously vexed that he would have killed Master Jobelin, but the said Des

Marays withheld him from it by fair persuasions, so that at length he

pacified his wrath.  Then Grangousier commanded he should be paid his

wages, that they should whittle him up soundly, like a sophister, with good

drink, and then give him leave to go to all the devils in hell.  At least,

said he, today shall it not cost his host much if by chance he should die

as drunk as a Switzer.  Master Jobelin being gone out of the house,

Grangousier consulted with the Viceroy what schoolmaster they should choose

for him, and it was betwixt them resolved that Ponocrates, the tutor of

Eudemon, should have the charge, and that they should go altogether to

Paris, to know what was the study of the young men of France at that time.

Chapter 1.XVI.

How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great mare that he rode

on; how she destroyed the oxflies of the Beauce.

In the same season Fayoles, the fourth King of Numidia, sent out of the

country of Africa to Grangousier the most hideously great mare that ever

was seen, and of the strangest form, for you know well enough how it is

said that Africa always is productive of some new thing.  She was as big as

six elephants, and had her feet cloven into fingers, like Julius Caesar’s

horse, with slouch-hanging ears, like the goats in Languedoc, and a little

horn on her buttock.  She was of a burnt sorrel hue, with a little mixture

of dapple-grey spots, but above all she had a horrible tail; for it was

little more or less than every whit as great as the steeple-pillar of St.

Mark beside Langes:  and squared as that is, with tuffs and ennicroches or

hair-plaits wrought within one another, no otherwise than as the beards are

upon the ears of corn.

If you wonder at this, wonder rather at the tails of the Scythian rams,

which weighed above thirty pounds each; and of the Surian sheep, who need,

if Tenaud say true, a little cart at their heels to bear up their tail, it

is so long and heavy.  You female lechers in the plain countries have no

such tails.  And she was brought by sea in three carricks and a brigantine

unto the harbour of Olone in Thalmondois.  When Grangousier saw her, Here

is, said he, what is fit to carry my son to Paris.  So now, in the name of

God, all will be well.  He will in times coming be a great scholar.  If it

were not, my masters, for the beasts, we should live like clerks.  The next

morning--after they had drunk, you must understand--they took their

journey; Gargantua, his pedagogue Ponocrates, and his train, and with them

Eudemon, the young page.  And because the weather was fair and temperate,

his father caused to be made for him a pair of dun boots,--Babin calls them

buskins.  Thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on their high

way, always making good cheer, and were very pleasant till they came a

little above Orleans, in which place there was a forest of five-and-thirty

leagues long, and seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts.  This forest was

most horribly fertile and copious in dorflies, hornets, and wasps, so that

it was a very purgatory for the poor mares, asses, and horses.  But

Gargantua’s mare did avenge herself handsomely of all the outrages therein

committed upon beasts of her kind, and that by a trick whereof they had no

suspicion.  For as soon as ever they were entered into the said forest, and

that the wasps had given the assault, she drew out and unsheathed her tail,

and therewith skirmishing, did so sweep them that she overthrew all the

wood alongst and athwart, here and there, this way and that way, longwise

and sidewise, over and under, and felled everywhere the wood with as much

ease as a mower doth the grass, in such sort that never since hath there

been there neither wood nor dorflies:  for all the country was thereby

reduced to a plain champaign field.  Which Gargantua took great pleasure to

behold, and said to his company no more but this:  Je trouve beau ce (I

find this pretty); whereupon that country hath been ever since that time

called Beauce.  But all the breakfast the mare got that day was but a

little yawning and gaping, in memory whereof the gentlemen of Beauce do as

yet to this day break their fast with gaping, which they find to be very

good, and do spit the better for it.  At last they came to Paris, where

Gargantua refreshed himself two or three days, making very merry with his

folks, and inquiring what men of learning there were then in the city, and

what wine they drunk there.

Chapter 1.XVII.

How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Parisians, and how he took away the

great bells of Our Lady’s Church.

Some few days after that they had refreshed themselves, he went to see the

city, and was beheld of everybody there with great admiration; for the

people of Paris are so sottish, so badot, so foolish and fond by nature,

that a juggler, a carrier of indulgences, a sumpter-horse, or mule with

cymbals or tinkling bells, a blind fiddler in the middle of a cross lane,

shall draw a greater confluence of people together than an evangelical

preacher.  And they pressed so hard upon him that he was constrained to

rest himself upon the towers of Our Lady’s Church.  At which place, seeing

so many about him, he said with a loud voice, I believe that these buzzards

will have me to pay them here my welcome hither, and my Proficiat.  It is

but good reason.  I will now give them their wine, but it shall be only in

sport.  Then smiling, he untied his fair braguette, and drawing out his

mentul into the open air, he so bitterly all-to-bepissed them, that he

drowned two hundred and sixty thousand, four hundred and eighteen, besides

the women and little children.  Some, nevertheless, of the company escaped

this piss-flood by mere speed of foot, who, when they were at the higher

end of the university, sweating, coughing, spitting, and out of breath,

they began to swear and curse, some in good hot earnest, and others in

jest.  Carimari, carimara:  golynoly, golynolo.  By my sweet Sanctess, we

are washed in sport, a sport truly to laugh at;--in French, Par ris, for

which that city hath been ever since called Paris; whose name formerly was

Leucotia, as Strabo testifieth, lib. quarto, from the Greek word leukotes,

whiteness,--because of the white thighs of the ladies of that place.  And

forasmuch as, at this imposition of a new name, all the people that were

there swore everyone by the Sancts of his parish, the Parisians, which are

patched up of all nations and all pieces of countries, are by nature both

good jurors and good jurists, and somewhat overweening; whereupon Joanninus

de Barrauco, libro de copiositate reverentiarum, thinks that they are

called Parisians from the Greek word parresia, which signifies boldness and

liberty in speech.  This done, he considered the great bells, which were in

the said towers, and made them sound very harmoniously.  Which whilst he

was doing, it came into his mind that they would serve very well for

tingling tantans and ringing campanels to hang about his mare’s neck when

she should be sent back to his father, as he intended to do, loaded with

Brie cheese and fresh herring.  And indeed he forthwith carried them to his

lodging.  In the meanwhile there came a master beggar of the friars of St.

Anthony to demand in his canting way the usual benevolence of some hoggish

stuff, who, that he might be heard afar off, and to make the bacon he was

in quest of shake in the very chimneys, made account to filch them away

privily.  Nevertheless, he left them behind very honestly, not for that

they were too hot, but that they were somewhat too heavy for his carriage.

This was not he of Bourg, for he was too good a friend of mine.  All the

city was risen up in sedition, they being, as you know, upon any slight

occasion, so ready to uproars and insurrections, that foreign nations

wonder at the patience of the kings of France, who do not by good justice

restrain them from such tumultuous courses, seeing the manifold

inconveniences which thence arise from day to day.  Would to God I knew the

shop wherein are forged these divisions and factious combinations, that I

might bring them to light in the confraternities of my parish!  Believe for

a truth, that the place wherein the people gathered together, were thus

sulphured, hopurymated, moiled, and bepissed, was called Nesle, where then

was, but now is no more, the oracle of Leucotia.  There was the case

proposed, and the inconvenience showed of the transporting of the bells.

After they had well ergoted pro and con, they concluded in baralipton, that

they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the faculty unto

Gargantua, to signify unto him the great and horrible prejudice they

sustain by the want of those bells.  And notwithstanding the good reasons

given in by some of the university why this charge was fitter for an orator

than a sophister, there was chosen for this purpose our Master Janotus de

Bragmardo.

Chapter 1.XVIII.

How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover the great bells.

Master Janotus, with his hair cut round like a dish a la Caesarine, in his

most antique accoutrement liripipionated with a graduate’s hood, and having

sufficiently antidoted his stomach with oven-marmalades, that is, bread and

holy water of the cellar, transported himself to the lodging of Gargantua,

driving before him three red-muzzled beadles, and dragging after him five

or six artless masters, all thoroughly bedaggled with the mire of the

streets.  At their entry Ponocrates met them, who was afraid, seeing them

so disguised, and thought they had been some masquers out of their wits,

which moved him to inquire of one of the said artless masters of the

company what this mummery meant.  It was answered him, that they desired to

have their bells restored to them.  As soon as Ponocrates heard that, he

ran in all haste to carry the news unto Gargantua, that he might be ready

to answer them, and speedily resolve what was to be done.  Gargantua being

advertised hereof, called apart his schoolmaster Ponocrates, Philotimus,

steward of his house, Gymnastes, his esquire, and Eudemon, and very

summarily conferred with them, both of what he should do and what answer he

should give.  They were all of opinion that they should bring them unto the

goblet-office, which is the buttery, and there make them drink like

roysters and line their jackets soundly.  And that this cougher might not

be puffed up with vain-glory by thinking the bells were restored at his

request, they sent, whilst he was chopining and plying the pot, for the

mayor of the city, the rector of the faculty, and the vicar of the church,

unto whom they resolved to deliver the bells before the sophister had

propounded his commission.  After that, in their hearing, he should

pronounce his gallant oration, which was done; and they being come, the

sophister was brought in full hall, and began as followeth, in coughing.

Chapter 1.XIX.

The oration of Master Janotus de Bragmardo for recovery of the bells.

Hem, hem, gud-day, sirs, gud-day.  Et vobis, my masters.  It were but

reason that you should restore to us our bells; for we have great need of

them.  Hem, hem, aihfuhash.  We have oftentimes heretofore refused good

money for them of those of London in Cahors, yea and those of Bourdeaux in

Brie, who would have bought them for the substantific quality of the

elementary complexion, which is intronificated in the terrestreity of their

quidditative nature, to extraneize the blasting mists and whirlwinds upon

our vines, indeed not ours, but these round about us.  For if we lose the

piot and liquor of the grape, we lose all, both sense and law.  If you

restore them unto us at my request, I shall gain by it six basketfuls of

sausages and a fine pair of breeches, which will do my legs a great deal of

good, or else they will not keep their promise to me.  Ho by gob, Domine, a

pair of breeches is good, et vir sapiens non abhorrebit eam.  Ha, ha, a

pair of breeches is not so easily got; I have experience of it myself.

Consider, Domine, I have been these eighteen days in matagrabolizing this

brave speech.  Reddite quae sunt Caesaris, Caesari, et quae sunt Dei, Deo.

Ibi jacet lepus.  By my faith, Domine, if you will sup with me in cameris,

by cox body, charitatis, nos faciemus bonum cherubin.  Ego occiditunum

porcum, et ego habet bonum vino:  but of good wine we cannot make bad

Latin.  Well, de parte Dei date nobis bellas nostras.  Hold, I give you in

the name of the faculty a Sermones de Utino, that utinam you would give us

our bells.  Vultis etiam pardonos?  Per diem vos habebitis, et nihil

payabitis.  O, sir, Domine, bellagivaminor nobis; verily, est bonum vobis.

They are useful to everybody.  If they fit your mare well, so do they do

our faculty; quae comparata est jumentis insipientibus, et similis facta

est eis, Psalmo nescio quo.  Yet did I quote it in my note-book, et est

unum bonum Achilles, a good defending argument.  Hem, hem, hem, haikhash!

For I prove unto you, that you should give me them.  Ego sic argumentor.

Omnis bella bellabilis in bellerio bellando, bellans, bellativo, bellare

facit, bellabiliter bellantes.  Parisius habet bellas.  Ergo gluc, Ha, ha,

ha.  This is spoken to some purpose.  It is in tertio primae, in Darii, or

elsewhere.  By my soul, I have seen the time that I could play the devil in

arguing, but now I am much failed, and henceforward want nothing but a cup

of good wine, a good bed, my back to the fire, my belly to the table, and a

good deep dish.  Hei, Domine, I beseech you, in nomine Patris, Filii, et

Spiritus sancti, Amen, to restore unto us our bells:  and God keep you from

evil, and our Lady from health, qui vivit et regnat per omnia secula

seculorum, Amen.  Hem, hashchehhawksash, qzrchremhemhash.

Verum enim vero, quandoquidem, dubio procul.  Edepol, quoniam, ita certe,

medius fidius; a town without bells is like a blind man without a staff, an

ass without a crupper, and a cow without cymbals.  Therefore be assured,

until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after you,

like a blind man that hath lost his staff, braying like an ass without a

crupper, and making a noise like a cow without cymbals.  A certain

latinisator, dwelling near the hospital, said since, producing the

authority of one Taponnus,--I lie, it was one Pontanus the secular poet,

--who wished those bells had been made of feathers, and the clapper of a

foxtail, to the end they might have begot a chronicle in the bowels of his

brain, when he was about the composing of his carminiformal lines.  But nac

petetin petetac, tic, torche lorgne, or rot kipipur kipipot put pantse

malf, he was declared an heretic.  We make them as of wax.  And no more

saith the deponent.  Valete et plaudite.  Calepinus recensui.

Chapter 1.XX.

How the Sophister carried away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law

against the other masters.

The sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in

a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split with it, and given up

the ghost, in rendering their souls to God:  even just as Crassus did,

seeing a lubberly ass eat thistles; and as Philemon, who, for seeing an ass

eat those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force of

laughing.  Together with them Master Janotus fell a-laughing too as fast as

he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long, that their eyes

did water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the brain, by

which these lachrymal humidities, being pressed out, glided through the

optic nerves, and so to the full represented Democritus Heraclitizing and

Heraclitus Democritizing.

When they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted with the prime of his

retinue what should be done.  There Ponocrates was of opinion that they

should make this fair orator drink again; and seeing he had showed them

more pastime, and made them laugh more than a natural soul could have done,

that they should give him ten baskets full of sausages, mentioned in his

pleasant speech, with a pair of hose, three hundred great billets of

logwood, five-and-twenty hogsheads of wine, a good large down-bed, and a

deep capacious dish, which he said were necessary for his old age.  All

this was done as they did appoint:  only Gargantua, doubting that they

could not quickly find out breeches fit for his wearing, because he knew

not what fashion would best become the said orator, whether the martingale

fashion of breeches, wherein is a spunghole with a drawbridge for the more

easy caguing:  or the fashion of the mariners, for the greater solace and

comfort of his kidneys:  or that of the Switzers, which keeps warm the

bedondaine or belly-tabret:  or round breeches with straight cannions,

having in the seat a piece like a cod’s tail, for fear of over-heating his

reins:--all which considered, he caused to be given him seven ells of white

cloth for the linings.  The wood was carried by the porters, the masters of

arts carried the sausages and the dishes, and Master Janotus himself would

carry the cloth.  One of the said masters, called Jousse Bandouille, showed

him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his condition to do so,

and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them.  Ha, said Janotus,

baudet, baudet, or blockhead, blockhead, thou dost not conclude in modo et

figura.  For lo, to this end serve the suppositions and parva logicalia.

Pannus, pro quo supponit?  Confuse, said Bandouille, et distributive.  I do

not ask thee, said Janotus, blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro quo?  It

is, blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and therefore I will carry it, Egomet,

sicut suppositum portat appositum.  So did he carry it away very close and

covertly, as Patelin the buffoon did his cloth.  The best was, that when

this cougher, in a full act or assembly held at the Mathurins, had with

great confidence required his breeches and sausages, and that they were

flatly denied him, because he had them of Gargantua, according to the

informations thereupon made, he showed them that this was gratis, and out

of his liberality, by which they were not in any sort quit of their

promises.  Notwithstanding this, it was answered him that he should be

content with reason, without expectation of any other bribe there.  Reason?

said Janotus.  We use none of it here.  Unlucky traitors, you are not worth

the hanging.  The earth beareth not more arrant villains than you are.  I

know it well enough; halt not before the lame.  I have practised wickedness

with you.  By God’s rattle, I will inform the king of the enormous abuses

that are forged here and carried underhand by you, and let me be a leper,

if he do not burn you alive like sodomites, traitors, heretics and

seducers, enemies to God and virtue.

Upon these words they framed articles against him:  he on the other side

warned them to appear.  In sum, the process was retained by the court, and

is there as yet.  Hereupon the magisters made a vow never to decrott

themselves in rubbing off the dirt of either their shoes or clothes:

Master Janotus with his adherents vowed never to blow or snuff their noses,

until judgment were given by a definitive sentence.

By these vows do they continue unto this time both dirty and snotty; for

the court hath not garbled, sifted, and fully looked into all the pieces as

yet.  The judgment or decree shall be given out and pronounced at the next

Greek kalends, that is, never.  As you know that they do more than nature,

and contrary to their own articles.  The articles of Paris maintain that to

God alone belongs infinity, and nature produceth nothing that is immortal;

for she putteth an end and period to all things by her engendered,

according to the saying, Omnia orta cadunt, &c.  But these thick

mist-swallowers make the suits in law depending before them both infinite

and immortal.  In doing whereof, they have given occasion to, and verified

the saying of Chilo the Lacedaemonian, consecrated to the oracle at Delphos,

that misery is the inseparable companion of law-debates; and that pleaders

are miserable; for sooner shall they attain to the end of their lives, than

to the final decision of their pretended rights.

Chapter 1.XXI.

The study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his schoolmasters

the Sophisters.

The first day being thus spent, and the bells put up again in their own

place, the citizens of Paris, in acknowledgment of this courtesy, offered

to maintain and feed his mare as long as he pleased, which Gargantua took

in good part, and they sent her to graze in the forest of Biere.  I think

she is not there now.  This done, he with all his heart submitted his study

to the discretion of Ponocrates; who for the beginning appointed that he

should do as he was accustomed, to the end he might understand by what

means, in so long time, his old masters had made him so sottish and

ignorant.  He disposed therefore of his time in such fashion, that

ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight and nine o’clock, whether it was day

or not, for so had his ancient governors ordained, alleging that which

David saith, Vanum est vobis ante lucem surgere.  Then did he tumble and

toss, wag his legs, and wallow in the bed some time, the better to stir up

and rouse his vital spirits, and apparelled himself according to the

season:  but willingly he would wear a great long gown of thick frieze,

furred with fox-skins.  Afterwards he combed his head with an Almain comb,

which is the four fingers and the thumb.  For his preceptor said that to

comb himself otherwise, to wash and make himself neat, was to lose time in

this world.  Then he dunged, pissed, spewed, belched, cracked, yawned,

spitted, coughed, yexed, sneezed and snotted himself like an archdeacon,

and, to suppress the dew and bad air, went to breakfast, having some good

fried tripes, fair rashers on the coals, excellent gammons of bacon, store

of fine minced meat, and a great deal of sippet brewis, made up of the fat

of the beef-pot, laid upon bread, cheese, and chopped parsley strewed

together.  Ponocrates showed him that he ought not to eat so soon after

rising out of his bed, unless he had performed some exercise beforehand.

Gargantua answered, What! have not I sufficiently well exercised myself?  I

have wallowed and rolled myself six or seven turns in my bed before I rose.

Is not that enough?  Pope Alexander did so, by the advice of a Jew his

physician, and lived till his dying day in despite of his enemies.  My

first masters have used me to it, saying that to breakfast made a good

memory, and therefore they drank first.  I am very well after it, and dine

but the better.  And Master Tubal, who was the first licenciate at Paris,

told me that it was not enough to run apace, but to set forth betimes:  so

doth not the total welfare of our humanity depend upon perpetual drinking

in a ribble rabble, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morning; unde

versus,

  To rise betimes is no good hour,

  To drink betimes is better sure.

After that he had thoroughly broke his fast, he went to church, and they

carried to him, in a great basket, a huge impantoufled or thick-covered

breviary, weighing, what in grease, clasps, parchment and cover, little

more or less than eleven hundred and six pounds.  There he heard

six-and-twenty or thirty masses.  This while, to the same place came his

orison-mutterer impaletocked, or lapped up about the chin like a tufted

whoop, and his breath pretty well antidoted with store of the

vine-tree-syrup.  With him he mumbled all his kiriels and dunsical

breborions, which he so curiously thumbed and fingered, that there fell not

so much as one grain to the ground.  As he went from the church, they

brought him, upon a dray drawn with oxen, a confused heap of paternosters

and aves of St. Claude, every one of them being of the bigness of a

hat-block; and thus walking through the cloisters, galleries, or garden, he

said more in turning them over than sixteen hermits would have done.  Then

did he study some paltry half-hour with his eyes fixed upon his book; but,

as the comic saith, his mind was in the kitchen.  Pissing then a full

urinal, he sat down at table; and because he was naturally phlegmatic, he

began his meal with some dozens of gammons, dried neat’s tongues, hard roes

of mullet, called botargos, andouilles or sausages, and such other

forerunners of wine. In the meanwhile, four of his folks did cast into his

mouth one after another continually mustard by whole shovelfuls.

Immediately after that, he drank a horrible draught of white wine for the

ease of his kidneys.  When that was done, he ate according to the season

meat agreeable to his appetite, and then left off eating when his belly

began to strout, and was like to crack for fulness.  As for his drinking, he

had in that neither end nor rule.  For he was wont to say, That the limits

and bounds of drinking were, when the cork of the shoes of him that drinketh

swelleth up half a foot high.

Chapter 1.XXII.

The games of Gargantua.

Then blockishly mumbling with a set on countenance a piece of scurvy grace,

he washed his hands in fresh wine, picked his teeth with the foot of a hog,

and talked jovially with his attendants.  Then the carpet being spread,

they brought plenty of cards, many dice, with great store and abundance of

chequers and chessboards.

There he played.

At flush.                            At love.

At primero.                          At the chess.

At the beast.                        At Reynard the fox.

At the rifle.                        At the squares.

At trump.                            At the cows.

At the prick and spare not.          At the lottery.

At the hundred.                      At the chance or mumchance.

At the peeny.                        At three dice or maniest bleaks.

At the unfortunate woman.            At the tables.

At the fib.                          At nivinivinack.

At the pass ten.                     At the lurch.

At one-and-thirty.                   At doublets or queen’s game.

At post and pair, or even and        At the faily.

  sequence.                          At the French trictrac.

At three hundred.                    At the long tables or ferkeering.

At the unlucky man.                  At feldown.

At the last couple in hell.          At tod’s body.

At the hock.                         At needs must.

At the surly.                        At the dames or draughts.

At the lansquenet.                   At bob and mow.

At the cuckoo.                       At primus secundus.

At puff, or let him speak that       At mark-knife.

  hath it.                           At the keys.

At take nothing and throw out.       At span-counter.

At the marriage.                     At even or odd.

At the frolic or jackdaw.            At cross or pile.

At the opinion.                      At ball and huckle-bones.

At who doth the one, doth the        At ivory balls.

  other.                             At the billiards.

At the sequences.                    At bob and hit.

At the ivory bundles.                At the owl.

At the tarots.                       At the charming of the hare.

At losing load him.                  At pull yet a little.

At he’s gulled and esto.             At trudgepig.

At the torture.                      At the magatapies.

At the handruff.                     At the horn.

At the click.                        At the flowered or Shrovetide ox.

At honours.                          At the madge-owlet.

At pinch without laughing.           At tilt at weeky.

At prickle me tickle me.             At ninepins.

At the unshoeing of the ass.         At the cock quintin.

At the cocksess.                     At tip and hurl.

At hari hohi.                        At the flat bowls.

At I set me down.                    At the veer and turn.

At earl beardy.                      At rogue and ruffian.

At the old mode.                     At bumbatch touch.

At draw the spit.                    At the mysterious trough.

At put out.                          At the short bowls.

At gossip lend me your sack.         At the dapple-grey.

At the ramcod ball.                  At cock and crank it.

At thrust out the harlot.            At break-pot.

At Marseilles figs.                  At my desire.

At nicknamry.                        At twirly whirlytrill.

At stick and hole.                   At the rush bundles.

At boke or him, or flaying the fox.  At the short staff.

At the branching it.                 At the whirling gig.

At trill madam, or grapple my lady.  At hide and seek, or are you all

At the cat selling.                    hid?

At blow the coal.                    At the picket.

At the re-wedding.                   At the blank.

At the quick and dead judge.         At the pilferers.

At unoven the iron.                  At the caveson.

At the false clown.                  At prison bars.

At the flints, or at the nine stones.At have at the nuts.

At to the crutch hulch back.         At cherry-pit.

At the Sanct is found.               At rub and rice.

At hinch, pinch and laugh not.       At whiptop.

At the leek.                         At the casting top.

At bumdockdousse.                    At the hobgoblins.

At the loose gig.                    At the O wonderful.

At the hoop.                         At the soily smutchy.

At the sow.                          At fast and loose.

At belly to belly.                   At scutchbreech.

At the dales or straths.             At the broom-besom.

At the twigs.                        At St. Cosme, I come to adore

At the quoits.                         thee.

At I’m for that.                     At the lusty brown boy.

At I take you napping.               At greedy glutton.

At fair and softly passeth Lent.     At the morris dance.

At the forked oak.                   At feeby.

At truss.                            At the whole frisk and gambol.

At the wolf’s tail.                  At battabum, or riding of the

At bum to buss, or nose in breech.     wild mare.

At Geordie, give me my lance.        At Hind the ploughman.

At swaggy, waggy or shoggyshou.      At the good mawkin.

At stook and rook, shear and         At the dead beast.

  threave.                           At climb the ladder, Billy.

At the birch.                        At the dying hog.

At the muss.                         At the salt doup.

At the dilly dilly darling.          At the pretty pigeon.

At ox moudy.                         At barley break.

At purpose in purpose.               At the bavine.

At nine less.                        At the bush leap.

At blind-man-buff.                   At crossing.

At the fallen bridges.               At bo-peep.

At bridled nick.                     At the hardit arsepursy.

At the white at butts.               At the harrower’s nest.

At thwack swinge him.                At forward hey.

At apple, pear, plum.                At the fig.

At mumgi.                            At gunshot crack.

At the toad.                         At mustard peel.

At cricket.                          At the gome.

At the pounding stick.               At the relapse.

At jack and the box.                 At jog breech, or prick him

At the queens.                         forward.

At the trades.                       At knockpate.

At heads and points.                 At the Cornish c(h)ough.

At the vine-tree hug.                At the crane-dance.

At black be thy fall.                At slash and cut.

At ho the distaff.                   At bobbing, or flirt on the

At Joan Thomson.                       nose.

At the bolting cloth.                At the larks.

At the oat’s seed.                   At fillipping.

After he had thus well played, revelled, past and spent his time, it was

thought fit to drink a little, and that was eleven glassfuls the man, and,

immediately after making good cheer again, he would stretch himself upon a

fair bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep two or three hours

together, without thinking or speaking any hurt.  After he was awakened he

would shake his ears a little.  In the mean time they brought him fresh

wine.  There he drank better than ever.  Ponocrates showed him that it was

an ill diet to drink so after sleeping.  It is, answered Gargantua, the

very life of the patriarchs and holy fathers; for naturally I sleep salt,

and my sleep hath been to me in stead of so many gammons of bacon.  Then

began he to study a little, and out came the paternosters or rosary of

beads, which the better and more formally to despatch, he got upon an old

mule, which had served nine kings, and so mumbling with his mouth, nodding

and doddling his head, would go see a coney ferreted or caught in a gin.

At his return he went into the kitchen to know what roast meat was on the

spit, and what otherwise was to be dressed for supper.  And supped very

well, upon my conscience, and commonly did invite some of his neighbours

that were good drinkers, with whom carousing and drinking merrily, they

told stories of all sorts from the old to the new.  Amongst others he had

for domestics the Lords of Fou, of Gourville, of Griniot, and of Marigny.

After supper were brought in upon the place the fair wooden gospels and the

books of the four kings, that is to say, many pairs of tables and cards--or

the fair flush, one, two, three--or at all, to make short work; or else

they went to see the wenches thereabouts, with little small banquets,

intermixed with collations and rear-suppers.  Then did he sleep, without

unbridling, until eight o’clock in the next morning.

Chapter 1.XXIII.

How Gargantua was instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated,

that he lost not one hour of the day.

When Ponocrates knew Gargantua’s vicious manner of living, he resolved to

bring him up in another kind; but for a while he bore with him, considering

that nature cannot endure a sudden change, without great violence.

Therefore, to begin his work the better, he requested a learned physician

of that time, called Master Theodorus, seriously to perpend, if it were

possible, how to bring Gargantua into a better course.  The said physician

purged him canonically with Anticyrian hellebore, by which medicine he

cleansed all the alteration and perverse habitude of his brain.  By this

means also Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learned under his

ancient preceptors, as Timotheus did to his disciples, who had been

instructed under other musicians.  To do this the better, they brought him

into the company of learned men, which were there, in whose imitation he

had a great desire and affection to study otherwise, and to improve his

parts.  Afterwards he put himself into such a road and way of studying,

that he lost not any one hour in the day, but employed all his time in

learning and honest knowledge.  Gargantua awaked, then, about four o’clock

in the morning.  Whilst they were in rubbing of him, there was read unto

him some chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly, with a

pronunciation fit for the matter, and hereunto was appointed a young page

born in Basche, named Anagnostes.  According to the purpose and argument of

that lesson, he oftentimes gave himself to worship, adore, pray, and send

up his supplications to that good God, whose Word did show his majesty and

marvellous judgment.  Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion

of his natural digestions.  There his master repeated what had been read,

expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult points.  In returning,

they considered the face of the sky, if it was such as they had observed it

the night before, and into what signs the sun was entering, as also the

moon for that day.  This done, he was apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed,

and perfumed, during which time they repeated to him the lessons of the day

before.  He himself said them by heart, and upon them would ground some

practical cases concerning the estate of man, which he would prosecute

sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily they ceased as soon as he was

fully clothed.  Then for three good hours he had a lecture read unto him.

This done they went forth, still conferring of the substance of the

lecture, either unto a field near the university called the Brack, or unto

the meadows, where they played at the ball, the long-tennis, and at the

piletrigone (which is a play wherein we throw a triangular piece of iron at

a ring, to pass it), most gallantly exercising their bodies, as formerly

they had done their minds.  All their play was but in liberty, for they

left off when they pleased, and that was commonly when they did sweat over

all their body, or were otherwise weary.  Then were they very well wiped

and rubbed, shifted their shirts, and, walking soberly, went to see if

dinner was ready.  Whilst they stayed for that, they did clearly and

eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had retained of the lecture.

In the meantime Master Appetite came, and then very orderly sat they down

at table.  At the beginning of the meal there was read some pleasant

history of the warlike actions of former times, until he had taken a glass

of wine.  Then, if they thought good, they continued reading, or began to

discourse merrily together; speaking first of the virtue, propriety,

efficacy, and nature of all that was served in at the table; of bread, of

wine, of water, of salt, of fleshes, fishes, fruits, herbs, roots, and of

their dressing.  By means whereof he learned in a little time all the

passages competent for this that were to be found in Pliny, Athenaeus,

Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Porphyry, Oppian, Polybius, Heliodore,

Aristotle, Aelian, and others.  Whilst they talked of these things, many

times, to be the more certain, they caused the very books to be brought to

the table, and so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things

above said, that in that time there was not a physician that knew half so

much as he did.  Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read in the

morning, and, ending their repast with some conserve or marmalade of

quinces, he picked his teeth with mastic tooth-pickers, washed his hands

and eyes with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto God in some fine

cantiques, made in praise of the divine bounty and munificence.  This done,

they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks

and new inventions, which were all grounded upon arithmetic.  By this means

he fell in love with that numerical science, and every day after dinner and

supper he passed his time in it as pleasantly as he was wont to do at cards

and dice; so that at last he understood so well both the theory and

practical part thereof, that Tunstall the Englishman, who had written very

largely of that purpose, confessed that verily in comparison of him he had

no skill at all.  And not only in that, but in the other mathematical

sciences, as geometry, astronomy, music, &c.  For in waiting on the

concoction and attending the digestion of his food, they made a thousand

pretty instruments and geometrical figures, and did in some measure

practise the astronomical canons.

After this they recreated themselves with singing musically, in four or

five parts, or upon a set theme or ground at random, as it best pleased

them.  In matter of musical instruments, he learned to play upon the lute,

the virginals, the harp, the Almain flute with nine holes, the viol, and

the sackbut.  This hour thus spent, and digestion finished, he did purge

his body of natural excrements, then betook himself to his principal study

for three hours together, or more, as well to repeat his matutinal lectures

as to proceed in the book wherein he was, as also to write handsomely, to

draw and form the antique and Roman letters.  This being done, they went

out of their house, and with them a young gentleman of Touraine, named the

Esquire Gymnast, who taught him the art of riding.  Changing then his

clothes, he rode a Naples courser, a Dutch roussin, a Spanish jennet, a

barded or trapped steed, then a light fleet horse, unto whom he gave a

hundred carieres, made him go the high saults, bounding in the air, free

the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn short in a ring both

to the right and left hand.  There he broke not his lance; for it is the

greatest foolery in the world to say, I have broken ten lances at tilts or

in fight.  A carpenter can do even as much.  But it is a glorious and

praise-worthy action with one lance to break and overthrow ten enemies.

Therefore, with a sharp, stiff, strong, and well-steeled lance would he

usually force up a door, pierce a harness, beat down a tree, carry away the

ring, lift up a cuirassier saddle, with the mail-coat and gauntlet.  All

this he did in complete arms from head to foot.  As for the prancing

flourishes and smacking popisms for the better cherishing of the horse,

commonly used in riding, none did them better than he.  The cavallerize of

Ferrara was but as an ape compared to him.  He was singularly skilful in

leaping nimbly from one horse to another without putting foot to ground,

and these horses were called desultories.  He could likewise from either

side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback without stirrups, and

rule the horse at his pleasure without a bridle, for such things are useful

in military engagements.  Another day he exercised the battle-axe, which he

so dexterously wielded, both in the nimble, strong, and smooth management

of that weapon, and that in all the feats practicable by it, that he passed

knight of arms in the field, and at all essays.

Then tossed he the pike, played with the two-handed sword, with the

backsword, with the Spanish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed, unarmed, with

a buckler, with a cloak, with a target.  Then would he hunt the hart, the

roebuck, the bear, the fallow deer, the wild boar, the hare, the pheasant,

the partridge, and the bustard.  He played at the balloon, and made it

bound in the air, both with fist and foot.  He wrestled, ran, jumped--not

at three steps and a leap, called the hops, nor at clochepied, called the

hare’s leap, nor yet at the Almains; for, said Gymnast, these jumps are for

the wars altogether unprofitable, and of no use--but at one leap he would

skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge, mount six paces upon a wall, ramp

and grapple after this fashion up against a window of the full height of a

lance.  He did swim in deep waters on his belly, on his back, sideways,

with all his body, with his feet only, with one hand in the air, wherein he

held a book, crossing thus the breadth of the river of Seine without

wetting it, and dragged along his cloak with his teeth, as did Julius

Caesar; then with the help of one hand he entered forcibly into a boat,

from whence he cast himself again headlong into the water, sounded the

depths, hollowed the rocks, and plunged into the pits and gulfs.  Then

turned he the boat about, governed it, led it swiftly or slowly with the

stream and against the stream, stopped it in his course, guided it with one

hand, and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great oar, hoisted

the sail, hied up along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the

decks, set the compass in order, tackled the bowlines, and steered the

helm.  Coming out of the water, he ran furiously up against a hill, and

with the same alacrity and swiftness ran down again.  He climbed up at

trees like a cat, and leaped from the one to the other like a squirrel.  He

did pull down the great boughs and branches like another Milo; then with

two sharp well-steeled daggers and two tried bodkins would he run up by the

wall to the very top of a house like a rat; then suddenly came down from

the top to the bottom, with such an even composition of members that by the

fall he would catch no harm.

He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the stone, practise the javelin,

the boar-spear or partisan, and the halbert.  He broke the strongest bows

in drawing, bended against his breast the greatest crossbows of steel, took

his aim by the eye with the hand-gun, and shot well, traversed and planted

the cannon, shot at butt-marks, at the papgay from below upwards, or to a

height from above downwards, or to a descent; then before him, sideways,

and behind him, like the Parthians.  They tied a cable-rope to the top of a

high tower, by one end whereof hanging near the ground he wrought himself

with his hands to the very top; then upon the same track came down so

sturdily and firm that you could not on a plain meadow have run with more

assurance.  They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees.  There would he

hang by his hands, and with them alone, his feet touching at nothing, would

go back and fore along the foresaid rope with so great swiftness that

hardly could one overtake him with running; and then, to exercise his

breast and lungs, he would shout like all the devils in hell.  I heard him

once call Eudemon from St. Victor’s gate to Montmartre.  Stentor had never

such a voice at the siege of Troy.  Then for the strengthening of his

nerves or sinews they made him two great sows of lead, each of them

weighing eight thousand and seven hundred quintals, which they called

alteres.  Those he took up from the ground, in each hand one, then lifted

them up over his head, and held them so without stirring three quarters of

an hour and more, which was an inimitable force.  He fought at barriers

with the stoutest and most vigorous champions; and when it came to the

cope, he stood so sturdily on his feet that he abandoned himself unto the

strongest, in case they could remove him from his place, as Milo was wont

to do of old.  In whose imitation, likewise, he held a pomegranate in his

hand, to give it unto him that could take it from him.  The time being thus

bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped, and refreshed with other

clothes, he returned fair and softly; and passing through certain meadows,

or other grassy places, beheld the trees and plants, comparing them with

what is written of them in the books of the ancients, such as Theophrast,

Dioscorides, Marinus, Pliny, Nicander, Macer, and Galen, and carried home

to the house great handfuls of them, whereof a young page called Rizotomos

had charge; together with little mattocks, pickaxes, grubbing-hooks,

cabbies, pruning-knives, and other instruments requisite for herborizing.

Being come to their lodging, whilst supper was making ready, they repeated

certain passages of that which hath been read, and sat down to table.  Here

remark, that his dinner was sober and thrifty, for he did then eat only to

prevent the gnawings of his stomach, but his supper was copious and large,

for he took then as much as was fit to maintain and nourish him; which,

indeed, is the true diet prescribed by the art of good and sound physic,

although a rabble of loggerheaded physicians, nuzzeled in the brabbling

shop of sophisters, counsel the contrary.  During that repast was continued

the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good; the rest was spent

in good discourse, learned and profitable.  After that they had given

thanks, he set himself to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious

instruments, or otherwise passed his time at some pretty sports, made with

cards or dice, or in practising the feats of legerdemain with cups and

balls.  There they stayed some nights in frolicking thus, and making

themselves merry till it was time to go to bed; and on other nights they

would go make visits unto learned men, or to such as had been travellers in

strange and remote countries.  When it was full night before they retired

themselves, they went unto the most open place of the house to see the face

of the sky, and there beheld the comets, if any were, as likewise the

figures, situations, aspects, oppositions, and conjunctions of both the

fixed stars and planets.

Then with his master did he briefly recapitulate, after the manner of the

Pythagoreans, that which he had read, seen, learned, done, and understood

in the whole course of that day.

Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in falling down before him, and

strengthening their faith towards him, and glorifying him for his boundless

bounty; and, giving thanks unto him for the time that was past, they

recommended themselves to his divine clemency for the future.  Which being

done, they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose and rest.

Chapter 1.XXIV.

How Gargantua spent his time in rainy weather.

If it happened that the weather were anything cloudy, foul, and rainy, all

the forenoon was employed, as before specified, according to custom, with

this difference only, that they had a good clear fire lighted to correct

the distempers of the air.  But after dinner, instead of their wonted

exercitations, they did abide within, and, by way of apotherapy (that is, a

making the body healthful by exercise), did recreate themselves in bottling

up of hay, in cleaving and sawing of wood, and in threshing sheaves of corn

at the barn.  Then they studied the art of painting or carving; or brought

into use the antique play of tables, as Leonicus hath written of it, and as

our good friend Lascaris playeth at it.  In playing they examined the

passages of ancient authors wherein the said play is mentioned or any

metaphor drawn from it.  They went likewise to see the drawing of metals,

or the casting of great ordnance; how the lapidaries did work; as also the

goldsmiths and cutters of precious stones.  Nor did they omit to visit the

alchemists, money-coiners, upholsterers, weavers, velvet-workers,

watchmakers, looking-glass framers, printers, organists, and other such

kind of artificers, and, everywhere giving them somewhat to drink, did

learn and consider the industry and invention of the trades.  They went

also to hear the public lectures, the solemn commencements, the

repetitions, the acclamations, the pleadings of the gentle lawyers, and

sermons of evangelical preachers.  He went through the halls and places

appointed for fencing, and there played against the masters themselves at

all weapons, and showed them by experience that he knew as much in it as,

yea, more than, they.  And, instead of herborizing, they visited the shops

of druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and diligently considered the

fruits, roots, leaves, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of some

foreign parts, as also how they did adulterate them.  He went to see the

jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and quacksalvers, and considered their

cunning, their shifts, their somersaults and smooth tongue, especially of

those of Chauny in Picardy, who are naturally great praters, and brave

givers of fibs, in matter of green apes.

At their return they did eat more soberly at supper than at other times,

and meats more desiccative and extenuating; to the end that the intemperate

moisture of the air, communicated to the body by a necessary confinitive,

might by this means be corrected, and that they might not receive any

prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily exercise.  Thus was Gargantua

governed, and kept on in this course of education, from day to day

profiting, as you may understand such a young man of his age may, of a

pregnant judgment, with good discipline well continued.  Which, although at

the beginning it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so easy,

and so delightful, that it seemed rather the recreation of a king than the

study of a scholar.  Nevertheless Ponocrates, to divert him from this

vehement intension of the spirits, thought fit, once in a month, upon some

fair and clear day, to go out of the city betimes in the morning, either

towards Gentilly, or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charanton bridge, or to

Vanves, or St. Clou, and there spend all the day long in making the

greatest cheer that could be devised, sporting, making merry, drinking

healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some fair meadow,

unnestling of sparrows, taking of quails, and fishing for frogs and crabs.

But although that day was passed without books or lecture, yet was it not

spent without profit; for in the said meadows they usually repeated certain

pleasant verses of Virgil’s agriculture, of Hesiod and of Politian’s

husbandry, would set a-broach some witty Latin epigrams, then immediately

turned them into roundelays and songs for dancing in the French language.

In their feasting they would sometimes separate the water from the wine

that was therewith mixed, as Cato teacheth, De re rustica, and Pliny with

an ivy cup would wash the wine in a basinful of water, then take it out

again with a funnel as pure as ever.  They made the water go from one glass

to another, and contrived a thousand little automatory engines, that is to

say, moving of themselves.

Chapter 1.XXV.

How there was great strife and debate raised betwixt the cake-bakers of

Lerne, and those of Gargantua’s country, whereupon were waged great wars.

At that time, which was the season of vintage, in the beginning of harvest,

when the country shepherds were set to keep the vines, and hinder the

starlings from eating up the grapes, as some cake-bakers of Lerne happened

to pass along in the broad highway, driving into the city ten or twelve

horses loaded with cakes, the said shepherds courteously entreated them to

give them some for their money, as the price then ruled in the market.  For

here it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial food to eat for breakfast

hot fresh cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, the great red

grapes, the muscadine, the verjuice grape, and the laskard, for those that

are costive in their belly, because it will make them gush out, and squirt

the length of a hunter’s staff, like the very tap of a barrel; and

oftentimes, thinking to let a squib, they did all-to-besquatter and

conskite themselves, whereupon they are commonly called the vintage

thinkers.  The bun-sellers or cake-makers were in nothing inclinable to

their request; but, which was worse, did injure them most outrageously,

calling them prattling gabblers, lickorous gluttons, freckled bittors, mangy

rascals, shite-a-bed scoundrels, drunken roysters, sly knaves, drowsy

loiterers, slapsauce fellows, slabberdegullion druggels, lubberly louts,

cozening foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant-varlets,

drawlatch hoydens, flouting milksops, jeering companions, staring clowns,

forlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scurvy sneaksbies, fondling fops, base

loons, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, scoffing braggarts, noddy meacocks,

blockish grutnols, doddipol-joltheads, jobbernol goosecaps, foolish

loggerheads, flutch calf-lollies, grouthead gnat-snappers, lob-dotterels,

gaping changelings, codshead loobies, woodcock slangams, ninny-hammer

flycatchers, noddypeak simpletons, turdy gut, shitten shepherds, and other

suchlike defamatory epithets; saying further, that it was not for them to

eat of these dainty cakes, but might very well content themselves with the

coarse unranged bread, or to eat of the great brown household loaf.  To

which provoking words, one amongst them, called Forgier, an honest fellow

of his person and a notable springal, made answer very calmly thus:  How

long is it since you have got horns, that you are become so proud?  Indeed

formerly you were wont to give us some freely, and will you not now let us

have any for our money?  This is not the part of good neighbours, neither

do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good corn, whereof you

make your cakes and buns.  Besides that, we would have given you to the

bargain some of our grapes, but, by his zounds, you may chance to repent

it, and possibly have need of us at another time, when we shall use you

after the like manner, and therefore remember it.  Then Marquet, a prime

man in the confraternity of the cake-bakers, said unto him, Yea, sir, thou

art pretty well crest-risen this morning, thou didst eat yesternight too

much millet and bolymong.  Come hither, sirrah, come hither, I will give

thee some cakes.  Whereupon Forgier, dreading no harm, in all simplicity

went towards him, and drew a sixpence out of his leather satchel, thinking

that Marquet would have sold him some of his cakes.  But, instead of cakes,

he gave him with his whip such a rude lash overthwart the legs, that the

marks of the whipcord knots were apparent in them, then would have fled

away; but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, O, murder, murder, help,

help, help! and in the meantime threw a great cudgel after him, which he

carried under his arm, wherewith he hit him in the coronal joint of his

head, upon the crotaphic artery of the right side thereof, so forcibly,

that Marquet fell down from his mare more like a dead than living man.

Meanwhile the farmers and country swains, that were watching their walnuts

near to that place, came running with their great poles and long staves,

and laid such load on these cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh upon

green rye.  The other shepherds and shepherdesses, hearing the lamentable

shout of Forgier, came with their slings and slackies following them, and

throwing great stones at them, as thick as if it had been hail.  At last

they overtook them, and took from them about four or five dozen of their

cakes.  Nevertheless they paid for them the ordinary price, and gave them

over and above one hundred eggs and three baskets full of mulberries.  Then

did the cake-bakers help to get up to his mare Marquet, who was most

shrewdly wounded, and forthwith returned to Lerne, changing the resolution

they had to go to Pareille, threatening very sharp and boisterously the

cowherds, shepherds, and farmers of Seville and Sinays.  This done, the

shepherds and shepherdesses made merry with these cakes and fine grapes,

and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe,

scoffing and laughing at those vainglorious cake-bakers, who had that day

met with a mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the

morning.  Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier’s leg some fair great red

medicinal grapes, and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up that he was

quickly cured.

Chapter 1.XXVI.

How the inhabitants of Lerne, by the commandment of Picrochole their king,

assaulted the shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly and on a sudden.

The cake-bakers, being returned to Lerne, went presently, before they did

either eat or drink, to the Capitol, and there before their king, called

Picrochole, the third of that name, made their complaint, showing their

panniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes

taken away, but, above all, Marquet most enormously wounded, saying that

all that mischief was done by the shepherds and herdsmen of Grangousier,

near the broad highway beyond Seville.  Picrochole incontinent grew angry

and furious; and, without asking any further what, how, why, or wherefore,

commanded the ban and arriere ban to be sounded throughout all his country,

that all his vassals of what condition soever should, upon pain of the

halter, come, in the best arms they could, unto the great place before the

castle, at the hour of noon, and, the better to strengthen his design, he

caused the drum to be beat about the town.  Himself, whilst his dinner was

making ready, went to see his artillery mounted upon the carriage, to

display his colours, and set up the great royal standard, and loaded wains

with store of ammunition both for the field and the belly, arms and

victuals.  At dinner he despatched his commissions, and by his express

edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to command the vanguard, wherein were

numbered sixteen thousand and fourteen arquebusiers or firelocks, together

with thirty thousand and eleven volunteer adventurers.  The great

Touquedillon, master of the horse, had the charge of the ordnance, wherein

were reckoned nine hundred and fourteen brazen pieces, in cannons, double

cannons, basilisks, serpentines, culverins, bombards or murderers, falcons,

bases or passevolins, spirols, and other sorts of great guns.  The

rearguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood.  In the main battle was

the king and the princes of his kingdom.  Thus being hastily furnished,

before they would set forward, they sent three hundred light horsemen,

under the conduct of Captain Swillwind, to discover the country, clear the

avenues, and see whether there was any ambush laid for them.  But, after

they had made diligent search, they found all the land round about in peace

and quiet, without any meeting or convention at all; which Picrochole

understanding, commanded that everyone should march speedily under his

colours.  Then immediately in all disorder, without keeping either rank or

file, they took the fields one amongst another, wasting, spoiling,

destroying, and making havoc of all wherever they went, not sparing poor

nor rich, privileged or unprivileged places, church nor laity, drove away

oxen and cows, bulls, calves, heifers, wethers, ewes, lambs, goats, kids,

hens, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, goslings, hogs, swine, pigs, and

such like; beating down the walnuts, plucking the grapes, tearing the

hedges, shaking the fruit-trees, and committing such incomparable abuses,

that the like abomination was never heard of.  Nevertheless, they met with

none to resist them, for everyone submitted to their mercy, beseeching them

that they might be dealt with courteously in regard that they had always

carried themselves as became good and loving neighbours, and that they had

never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them, to be thus

suddenly surprised, troubled, and disquieted, and that, if they would not

desist, God would punish them very shortly.  To which expostulations and

remonstrances no other answer was made, but that they would teach them to

eat cakes.

Chapter 1.XXVII.

How a monk of Seville saved the close of the abbey from being ransacked by

the enemy.

So much they did, and so far they went pillaging and stealing, that at last

they came to Seville, where they robbed both men and women, and took all

they could catch:  nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them.

Although the plague was there in the most part of all the houses, they

nevertheless entered everywhere, then plundered and carried away all that

was within, and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt, which is a

most wonderful case.  For the curates, vicars, preachers, physicians,

chirurgeons, and apothecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, to

heal, to preach unto and admonish those that were sick, were all dead of

the infection, and these devilish robbers and murderers caught never any

harm at all.  Whence comes this to pass, my masters?  I beseech you think

upon it.  The town being thus pillaged, they went unto the abbey with a

horrible noise and tumult, but they found it shut and made fast against

them.  Whereupon the body of the army marched forward towards a pass or

ford called the Gue de Vede, except seven companies of foot and two hundred

lancers, who, staying there, broke down the walls of the close, to waste,

spoil, and make havoc of all the vines and vintage within that place.  The

monks (poor devils) knew not in that extremity to which of all their sancts

they should vow themselves.  Nevertheless, at all adventures they rang the

bells ad capitulum capitulantes.  There it was decreed that they should

make a fair procession, stuffed with good lectures, prayers, and litanies

contra hostium insidias, and jolly responses pro pace.

There was then in the abbey a claustral monk, called Friar John of the

funnels and gobbets, in French des entoumeures, young, gallant, frisk,

lusty, nimble, quick, active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean,

wide-mouthed, long-nosed, a fair despatcher of morning prayers, unbridler

of masses, and runner over of vigils; and, to conclude summarily in a word,

a right monk, if ever there was any, since the monking world monked a

monkery:  for the rest, a clerk even to the teeth in matter of breviary.

This monk, hearing the noise that the enemy made within the enclosure of

the vineyard, went out to see what they were doing; and perceiving that

they were cutting and gathering  the grapes, whereon was grounded the

foundation of all their next year’s wine, returned unto the choir of the

church where the other monks were, all amazed and astonished like so many

bell-melters.  Whom when he heard sing, im, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nene,

tum, ne, num, num, ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, rum,

nenum, num:  It is well shit, well sung, said he.  By the virtue of God,

why do not you sing, Panniers, farewell, vintage is done?  The devil snatch

me, if they be not already within the middle of our close, and cut so well

both vines and grapes, that, by Cod’s body, there will not be found for

these four years to come so much as a gleaning in it.  By the belly of

Sanct James, what shall we poor devils drink the while?  Lord God! da mihi

potum.  Then said the prior of the convent:  What should this drunken

fellow do here? let him be carried to prison for troubling the divine

service.  Nay, said the monk, the wine service, let us behave ourselves so

that it be not troubled; for you yourself, my lord prior, love to drink of

the best, and so doth every honest man.  Never yet did a man of worth

dislike good wine, it is a monastical apophthegm.  But these responses that

you chant here, by G--, are not in season.  Wherefore is it, that our

devotions were instituted to be short in the time of harvest and vintage,

and long in the advent, and all the winter?  The late friar, Massepelosse,

of good memory, a true zealous man, or else I give myself to the devil, of

our religion, told me, and I remember it well, how the reason was, that in

this season we might press and make the wine, and in winter whiff it up.

Hark you, my masters, you that love the wine, Cop’s body, follow me; for

Sanct Anthony burn me as freely as a faggot, if they get leave to taste one

drop of the liquor that will not now come and fight for relief of the vine.

Hog’s belly, the goods of the church!  Ha, no, no.  What the devil, Sanct

Thomas of England was well content to die for them; if I died in the same

cause, should not I be a sanct likewise?  Yes.  Yet shall not I die there

for all this, for it is I that must do it to others and send them

a-packing.

As he spake this he threw off his great monk’s habit, and laid hold upon

the staff of the cross, which was made of the heart of a sorbapple-tree, it

being of the length of a lance, round, of a full grip, and a little

powdered with lilies called flower de luce, the workmanship whereof was

almost all defaced and worn out.  Thus went he out in a fair long-skirted

jacket, putting his frock scarfwise athwart his breast, and in this

equipage, with his staff, shaft or truncheon of the cross, laid on so

lustily, brisk, and fiercely upon his enemies, who, without any order, or

ensign, or trumpet, or drum, were busied in gathering the grapes of the

vineyard.  For the cornets, guidons, and ensign-bearers had laid down their

standards, banners, and colours by the wall sides:  the drummers had

knocked out the heads of their drums on one end to fill them with grapes:

the trumpeters were loaded with great bundles of bunches and huge knots of

clusters:  in sum, everyone of them was out of array, and all in disorder.

He hurried, therefore, upon them so rudely, without crying gare or beware,

that he overthrew them like hogs, tumbled them over like swine, striking

athwart and alongst, and by one means or other laid so about him, after the

old fashion of fencing, that to some he beat out their brains, to others he

crushed their arms, battered their legs, and bethwacked their sides till

their ribs cracked with it.  To others again he unjointed the spondyles or

knuckles of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gashed their faces, made

their cheeks hang flapping on their chin, and so swinged and balammed them

that they fell down before him like hay before a mower.  To some others he

spoiled the frame of their kidneys, marred their backs, broke their

thigh-bones, pashed in their noses, poached out their eyes, cleft their

mandibles, tore their jaws, dung in their teeth into their throat, shook

asunder their omoplates or shoulder-blades, sphacelated their shins,

mortified their shanks, inflamed their ankles, heaved off of the hinges

their ishies, their sciatica or hip-gout, dislocated the joints of their

knees, squattered into pieces the boughts or pestles of their thighs, and

so thumped, mauled and belaboured them everywhere, that never was corn so

thick and threefold threshed upon by ploughmen’s flails as were the

pitifully disjointed members of their mangled bodies under the merciless

baton of the cross.  If any offered to hide himself amongst the thickest of

the vines, he laid him squat as a flounder, bruised the ridge of his back,

and dashed his reins like a dog.  If any thought by flight to escape, he

made his head to fly in pieces by the lamboidal commissure, which is a seam

in the hinder part of the skull.  If anyone did scramble up into a tree,

thinking there to be safe, he rent up his perinee, and impaled him in at

the fundament.  If any of his old acquaintance happened to cry out, Ha,

Friar John, my friend Friar John, quarter, quarter, I yield myself to you,

to you I render myself!  So thou shalt, said he, and must, whether thou

wouldst or no, and withal render and yield up thy soul to all the devils in

hell; then suddenly gave them dronos, that is, so many knocks, thumps,

raps, dints, thwacks, and bangs, as sufficed to warn Pluto of their coming

and despatch them a-going.  If any was so rash and full of temerity as to

resist him to his face, then was it he did show the strength of his

muscles, for without more ado he did transpierce him, by running him in at

the breast, through the mediastine and the heart.  Others, again, he so

quashed and bebumped, that, with a sound bounce under the hollow of their

short ribs, he overturned their stomachs so that they died immediately.  To

some, with a smart souse on the epigaster, he would make their midriff

swag, then, redoubling the blow, gave them such a homepush on the navel

that he made their puddings to gush out.  To others through their ballocks

he pierced their bumgut, and left not bowel, tripe, nor entrail in their

body that had not felt the impetuosity, fierceness, and fury of his

violence.  Believe, that it was the most horrible spectacle that ever one

saw.  Some cried unto Sanct Barbe, others to St. George.  O the holy Lady

Nytouch, said one, the good Sanctess; O our Lady of Succours, said another,

help, help!  Others cried, Our Lady of Cunaut, of Loretto, of Good Tidings,

on the other side of the water St. Mary Over.  Some vowed a pilgrimage to

St. James, and others to the holy handkerchief at Chamberry, which three

months after that burnt so well in the fire that they could not get one

thread of it saved.  Others sent up their vows to St. Cadouin, others to

St. John d’Angely, and to St. Eutropius of Xaintes.  Others again invoked

St. Mesmes of Chinon, St. Martin of Candes, St. Clouaud of Sinays, the holy

relics of Laurezay, with a thousand other jolly little sancts and santrels.

Some died without speaking, others spoke without dying; some died in

speaking, others spoke in dying.  Others shouted as loud as they could

Confession, Confession, Confiteor, Miserere, In manus!  So great was the

cry of the wounded, that the prior of the abbey with all his monks came

forth, who, when they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the vines,

and wounded to death, confessed some of them.  But whilst the priests were

busied in confessing them, the little monkies ran all to the place where

Friar John was, and asked him wherein he would be pleased to require their

assistance.  To which he answered that they should cut the throats of those

he had thrown down upon the ground.  They presently, leaving their outer

habits and cowls upon the rails, began to throttle and make an end of those

whom he had already crushed.  Can you tell with what instruments they did

it?  With fair gullies, which are little hulchbacked demi-knives, the iron

tool whereof is two inches long, and the wooden handle one inch thick, and

three inches in length, wherewith the little boys in our country cut ripe

walnuts in two while they are yet in the shell, and pick out the kernel,

and they found them very fit for the expediting of that weasand-slitting

exploit.  In the meantime Friar John, with his formidable baton of the

cross, got to the breach which the enemies had made, and there stood to

snatch up those that endeavoured to escape.  Some of the monkitos carried

the standards, banners, ensigns, guidons, and colours into their cells and

chambers to make garters of them.  But when those that had been shriven

would have gone out at the gap of the said breach, the sturdy monk quashed

and felled them down with blows, saying, These men have had confession and

are penitent souls; they have got their absolution and gained the pardons;

they go into paradise as straight as a sickle, or as the way is to Faye

(like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap).  Thus by his prowess and valour were

discomfited all those of the army that entered into the close of the abbey,

unto the number of thirteen thousand, six hundred, twenty and two, besides

the women and little children, which is always to be understood.  Never did

Maugis the Hermit bear himself more valiantly with his bourdon or pilgrim’s

staff against the Saracens, of whom is written in the Acts of the four sons

of Aymon, than did this monk against his enemies with the staff of the

cross.

Chapter 1.XXVIII.

How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and of

Grangousier’s unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war.

Whilst the monk did thus skirmish, as we have said, against those which

were entered within the close, Picrochole in great haste passed the ford of

Vede--a very especial pass--with all his soldiers, and set upon the rock

Clermond, where there was made him no resistance at all; and, because it

was already night, he resolved to quarter himself and his army in that

town, and to refresh himself of his pugnative choler.  In the morning he

stormed and took the bulwarks and castle, which afterwards he fortified

with rampiers, and furnished with all ammunition requisite, intending to

make his retreat there, if he should happen to be otherwise worsted; for it

was a strong place, both by art and nature, in regard of the stance and

situation of it.  But let us leave them there, and return to our good

Gargantua, who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good

letters and athletical exercitations, and to the good old man Grangousier

his father, who after supper warmeth his ballocks by a good, clear, great

fire, and, waiting upon the broiling of some chestnuts, is very serious in

drawing scratches on the hearth, with a stick burnt at the one end,

wherewith they did stir up the fire, telling to his wife and the rest of

the family pleasant old stories and tales of former times.

Whilst he was thus employed, one of the shepherds which did keep the vines,

named Pillot, came towards him, and to the full related the enormous abuses

which were committed, and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole,

King of Lerne, upon his lands and territories, and how he had pillaged,

wasted, and ransacked all the country, except the enclosure at Seville,

which Friar John des Entoumeures to his great honour had preserved; and

that at the same present time the said king was in the rock Clermond, and

there, with great industry and circumspection, was strengthening himself

and his whole army.  Halas, halas, alas! said Grangousier, what is this,

good people?  Do I dream, or is it true that they tell me?  Picrochole, my

ancient friend of old time, of my own kindred and alliance, comes he to

invade me?  What moves him?  What provokes him?  What sets him on?  What

drives him to it?  Who hath given him this counsel?  Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my

God, my Saviour, help me, inspire me, and advise me what I shall do!  I

protest, I swear before thee, so be thou favourable to me, if ever I did

him or his subjects any damage or displeasure, or committed any the least

robbery in his country; but, on the contrary, I have succoured and supplied

him with men, money, friendship, and counsel, upon any occasion wherein I

could be steadable for the improvement of his good.  That he hath therefore

at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me, it cannot be but by the

malevolent and wicked spirit.  Good God, thou knowest my courage, for

nothing can be hidden from thee.  If perhaps he be grown mad, and that thou

hast sent him hither to me for the better recovery and re-establishment of

his brain, grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy

will by good discipline.  Ho, ho, ho, ho, my good people, my friends and my

faithful servants, must I hinder you from helping me?  Alas, my old age

required hence-forward nothing else but rest, and all the days of my life I

have laboured for nothing so much as peace; but now I must, I see it well,

load with arms my poor, weary, and feeble shoulders, and take in my

trembling hand the lance and horseman’s mace, to succour and protect my

honest subjects.  Reason will have it so; for by their labour am I

entertained, and with their sweat am I nourished, I, my children and my

family.  This notwithstanding, I will not undertake war, until I have first

tried all the ways and means of peace:  that I resolve upon.

Then assembled he his council, and proposed the matter as it was indeed.

Whereupon it was concluded that they should send some discreet man unto

Picrochole, to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the peace and

invaded those lands unto which he had no right nor title.  Furthermore,

that they should send for Gargantua, and those under his command, for the

preservation of the country, and defence thereof now at need.  All this

pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that so it should be done.

Presently therefore he sent the Basque his lackey to fetch Gargantua with

all diligence, and wrote him as followeth.

Chapter 1.XXIX.

The tenour of the letter which Grangousier wrote to his son Gargantua.

The fervency of thy studies did require that I should not in a long time

recall thee from that philosophical rest thou now enjoyest, if the

confidence reposed in our friends and ancient confederates had not at this

present disappointed the assurance of my old age.  But seeing such is my

fatal destiny, that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted

most, I am forced to call thee back to help the people and goods which by

the right of nature belong unto thee.  For even as arms are weak abroad, if

there be not counsel at home, so is that study vain and counsel

unprofitable which in a due and convenient time is not by virtue executed

and put in effect.  My deliberation is not to provoke, but to appease--not

to assault, but to defend--not to conquer, but to preserve my faithful

subjects and hereditary dominions, into which Picrochole is entered in a

hostile manner without any ground or cause, and from day to day pursueth

his furious enterprise with that height of insolence that is intolerable to

freeborn spirits.  I have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical choler,

offering him all that which I thought might give him satisfaction; and

oftentimes have I sent lovingly unto him to understand wherein, by whom,

and how he found himself to be wronged.  But of him could I obtain no other

answer but a mere defiance, and that in my lands he did pretend only to the

right of a civil correspondency and good behaviour, whereby I knew that the

eternal God hath left him to the disposure of his own free will and sensual

appetite--which cannot choose but be wicked, if by divine grace it be not

continually guided--and to contain him within his duty, and bring him to

know himself, hath sent him hither to me by a grievous token.  Therefore,

my beloved son, as soon as thou canst, upon sight of these letters, repair

hither with all diligence, to succour not me so much, which nevertheless by

natural piety thou oughtest to do, as thine own people, which by reason

thou mayest save and preserve.  The exploit shall be done with as little

effusion of blood as may be.  And, if possible, by means far more

expedient, such as military policy, devices, and stratagems of war, we

shall save all the souls, and send them home as merry as crickets unto

their own houses.  My dearest son, the peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer

be with thee.  Salute from me Ponocrates, Gymnastes, and Eudemon.  The

twentieth of September.

Thy Father Grangousier.

Chapter 1.XXX.

How Ulric Gallet was sent unto Picrochole.

The letters being dictated, signed, and sealed, Grangousier ordained that

Ulric Gallet, master of the requests, a very wise and discreet man, of

whose prudence and sound judgment he had made trial in several difficult

and debateful matters, (should) go unto Picrochole, to show what had been

decreed amongst them.  At the same hour departed the good man Gallet, and

having passed the ford, asked at the miller that dwelt there in what

condition Picrochole was:  who answered him that his soldiers had left him

neither cock nor hen, that they were retired and shut up into the rock

Clermond, and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of

the scouts, because they were enormously furious.  Which he easily

believed, and therefore lodged that night with the miller.

The next morning he went with a trumpeter to the gate of the castle, and

required the guards he might be admitted to speak with the king of somewhat

that concerned him.  These words being told unto the king, he would by no

means consent that they should open the gate; but, getting upon the top of

the bulwark, said unto the ambassador, What is the news, what have you to

say?  Then the ambassador began to speak as followeth.

Chapter 1.XXXI.

The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole.

There cannot arise amongst men a juster cause of grief than when they

receive hurt and damage where they may justly expect for favour and good

will; and not without cause, though without reason, have many, after they

had fallen into such a calamitous accident, esteemed this indignity less

supportable than the loss of their own lives, in such sort that, if they

have not been able by force of arms nor any other means, by reach of wit or

subtlety, to stop them in their course and restrain their fury, they have

fallen into desperation, and utterly deprived themselves of this light.  It

is therefore no wonder if King Grangousier, my master, be full of high

displeasure and much disquieted in mind upon thy outrageous and hostile

coming; but truly it would be a marvel if he were not sensible of and moved

with the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and thine

upon those of his country, towards whom there hath been no example of

inhumanity omitted.  Which in itself is to him so grievous, for the cordial

affection wherewith he hath always cherished his subjects, that more it

cannot be to any mortal man; yet in this, above human apprehension, is it

to him the more grievous that these wrongs and sad offences have been

committed by thee and thine, who, time out of mind, from all antiquity,

thou and thy predecessors have been in a continual league and amity with

him and all his ancestors; which, even until this time, you have as sacred

together inviolably preserved, kept, and entertained, so well, that not he

and his only, but the very barbarous nations of the Poictevins, Bretons,

Manceaux, and those that dwell beyond the isles of the Canaries, and that

of Isabella, have thought it as easy to pull down the firmament, and to set

up the depths above the clouds, as to make a breach in your alliance; and

have been so afraid of it in their enterprises that they have never dared

to provoke, incense, or endamage the one for fear of the other.  Nay, which

is more, this sacred league hath so filled the world, that there are few

nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the continent and isles of

the ocean, who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it, upon

your own covenants and conditions, holding your joint confederacy in as

high esteem as their own territories and dominions, in such sort, that from

the memory of man there hath not been either prince or league so wild and

proud that durst have offered to invade, I say not your countries, but not

so much as those of your confederates.  And if, by rash and heady counsel,

they have attempted any new design against them, as soon as they heard the

name and title of your alliance, they have suddenly desisted from their

enterprises.  What rage and madness, therefore, doth now incite thee, all

old alliance infringed, all amity trod under foot, and all right violated,

thus in a hostile manner to invade his country, without having been by him

or his in anything prejudiced, wronged, or provoked?  Where is faith?

Where is law?  Where is reason?  Where is humanity?  Where is the fear of

God?  Dost thou think that these atrocious abuses are hidden from the

eternal spirit and the supreme God who is the just rewarder of all our

undertakings?  If thou so think, thou deceivest thyself; for all things

shall come to pass as in his incomprehensible judgment he hath appointed.

Is it thy fatal destiny, or influences of the stars, that would put an end

to thy so long enjoyed ease and rest?  For that all things have their end

and period, so as that, when they are come to the superlative point of

their greatest height, they are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being

able to abide long in that state.  This is the conclusion and end of those

who cannot by reason and temperance moderate their fortunes and

prosperities.  But if it be predestinated that thy happiness and ease must

now come to an end, must it needs be by wronging my king,--him by whom thou

wert established?  If thy house must come to ruin, should it therefore in

its fall crush the heels of him that set it up?  The matter is so

unreasonable, and so dissonant from common sense, that hardly can it be

conceived by human understanding, and altogether incredible unto strangers,

till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent that

nothing is either sacred or holy to those who, having emancipated

themselves from God and reason, do merely follow the perverse affections of

their own depraved nature.  If any wrong had been done by us to thy

subjects and dominions--if we had favoured thy ill-willers--if we had not

assisted thee in thy need--if thy name and reputation had been wounded by

us--or, to speak more truly, if the calumniating spirit, tempting to induce

thee to evil, had, by false illusions and deceitful fantasies, put into thy

conceit the impression of a thought that we had done unto thee anything

unworthy of our ancient correspondence and friendship, thou oughtest first

to have inquired out the truth, and afterwards by a seasonable warning to

admonish us thereof; and we should have so satisfied thee, according to

thine own heart’s desire, that thou shouldst have had occasion to be

contented.  But, O eternal God, what is thy enterprise?  Wouldst thou, like

a perfidious tyrant, thus spoil and lay waste my master’s kingdom?  Hast

thou found him so silly and blockish, that he would not--or so destitute of

men and money, of counsel and skill in military discipline, that he cannot

withstand thy unjust invasion?  March hence presently, and to-morrow, some

time of the day, retreat unto thine own country, without doing any kind of

violence or disorderly act by the way; and pay withal a thousand besans of

gold (which, in English money, amounteth to five thousand pounds), for

reparation of the damages thou hast done in this country.  Half thou shalt

pay to-morrow, and the other half at the ides of May next coming, leaving

with us in the mean time, for hostages, the Dukes of Turnbank, Lowbuttock,

and Smalltrash, together with the Prince of Itches and Viscount of

Snatchbit (Tournemoule, Bas-de-fesses, Menuail, Gratelles, Morpiaille.).

Chapter 1.XXXII.

How Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to be restored.

With that the good man Gallet held his peace, but Picrochole to all his

discourse answered nothing but Come and fetch them, come and fetch them,

--they have ballocks fair and soft,--they will knead and provide some cakes

for you.  Then returned he to Grangousier, whom he found upon his knees

bareheaded, crouching in a little corner of his cabinet, and humbly praying

unto God that he would vouchsafe to assuage the choler of Picrochole, and

bring him to the rule of reason without proceeding by force.  When the good

man came back, he asked him, Ha, my friend, what news do you bring me?

There is neither hope nor remedy, said Gallet; the man is quite out of his

wits, and forsaken of God.  Yea, but, said Grangousier, my friend, what

cause doth he pretend for his outrages?  He did not show me any cause at

all, said Gallet, only that in a great anger he spoke some words of cakes.

I cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his cake-bakers.  I will know,

said Grangousier, the matter thoroughly, before I resolve any more upon

what is to be done.  Then sent he to learn concerning that business, and

found by true information that his men had taken violently some cakes from

Picrochole’s people, and that Marquet’s head was broken with a slacky or

short cudgel; that, nevertheless, all was well paid, and that the said

Marquet had first hurt Forgier with a stroke of his whip athwart the legs.

And it seemed good to his whole council, that he should defend himself with

all his might.  Notwithstanding all this, said Grangousier, seeing the

question is but about a few cakes, I will labour to content him; for I am

very unwilling to wage war against him.  He inquired then what quantity of

cakes they had taken away, and understanding that it was but some four or

five dozen, he commanded five cartloads of them to be baked that same

night; and that there should be one full of cakes made with fine butter,

fine yolks of eggs, fine saffron, and fine spice, to be bestowed upon

Marquet, unto whom likewise he directed to be given seven hundred thousand

and three Philips (that is, at three shillings the piece, one hundred five

thousand pounds and nine shillings of English money), for reparation of his

losses and hindrances, and for satisfaction of the chirurgeon that had

dressed his wound; and furthermore settled upon him and his for ever in

freehold the apple-orchard called La Pomardiere.  For the conveyance and

passing of all which was sent Gallet, who by the way as they went made them

gather near the willow-trees great store of boughs, canes, and reeds,

wherewith all the carriers were enjoined to garnish and deck their carts,

and each of them to carry one in his hand, as himself likewise did, thereby

to give all men to understand that they demanded but peace, and that they

came to buy it.

Being come to the gate, they required to speak with Picrochole from

Grangousier.  Picrochole would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak

with them, but sent them word that he was busy, and that they should

deliver their mind to Captain Touquedillon, who was then planting a piece

of ordnance upon the wall.  Then said the good man unto him, My lord, to

ease you of all this labour, and to take away all excuses why you may not

return unto our former alliance, we do here presently restore unto you the

cakes upon which the quarrel arose.  Five dozen did our people take away:

they were well paid for:  we love peace so well that we restore unto you

five cartloads, of which this cart shall be for Marquet, who doth most

complain.  Besides, to content him entirely, here are seven hundred

thousand and three Philips, which I deliver to him, and, for the losses he

may pretend to have sustained, I resign for ever the farm of the

Pomardiere, to be possessed in fee-simple by him and his for ever, without

the payment of any duty, or acknowledgement of homage, fealty, fine, or

service whatsoever, and here is the tenour of the deed.  And, for God’s

sake, let us live henceforward in peace, and withdraw yourselves merrily

into your own country from within this place, unto which you have no right

at all, as yourselves must needs confess, and let us be good friends as

before.  Touquedillon related all this to Picrochole, and more and more

exasperated his courage, saying to him, These clowns are afraid to some

purpose.  By G--, Grangousier conskites himself for fear, the poor drinker.

He is not skilled in warfare, nor hath he any stomach for it.  He knows

better how to empty the flagons,--that is his art.  I am of opinion that it

is fit we send back the carts and the money, and, for the rest, that very

speedily we fortify ourselves here, then prosecute our fortune.  But what!

Do they think to have to do with a ninnywhoop, to feed you thus with cakes?

You may see what it is.  The good usage and great familiarity which you

have had with them heretofore hath made you contemptible in their eyes.

Anoint a villain, he will prick you:  prick a villain, and he will anoint

you (Ungentem pungit, pungentem rusticus ungit.).

Sa, sa, sa, said Picrochole, by St. James you have given a true character

of them.  One thing I will advise you, said Touquedillon.  We are here but

badly victualled, and furnished with mouth-harness very slenderly.  If

Grangousier should come to besiege us, I would go presently, and pluck out

of all your soldiers’ heads and mine own all the teeth, except three to

each of us, and with them alone we should make an end of our provision but

too soon.  We shall have, said Picrochole, but too much sustenance and

feeding-stuff.  Came we hither to eat or to fight?  To fight, indeed, said

Touquedillon; yet from the paunch comes the dance, and where famine rules

force is exiled.  Leave off your prating, said Picrochole, and forthwith

seize upon what they have brought.  Then took they money and cakes, oxen

and carts, and sent them away without speaking one word, only that they

would come no more so near, for a reason that they would give them the

morrow after.  Thus, without doing anything, returned they to Grangousier,

and related the whole matter unto him, subjoining that there was no hope

left to draw them to peace but by sharp and fierce wars.

Chapter 1.XXXIII.

How some statesmen of Picrochole, by hairbrained counsel, put him in

extreme danger.

The carts being unloaded, and the money and cakes secured, there came

before Picrochole the Duke of Smalltrash, the Earl Swashbuckler, and

Captain Dirt-tail (Menuail, Spadassin, Merdaille.), who said unto him, Sir,

this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous prince

that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia.  Be covered, be

covered, said Picrochole.  Gramercy, said they, we do but our duty.  The

manner is thus.  You shall leave some captain here to have the charge of

this garrison, with a party competent for keeping of the place, which,

besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and

fortresses of your devising.  Your army you are to divide into two parts,

as you know very well how to do.  One part thereof shall fall upon

Grangousier and his forces.  By it shall he be easily at the very first

shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, for the clown hath

store of ready coin.  Clown we call him, because a noble and generous

prince hath never a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish

trick.  The other part of the army, in the meantime, shall draw towards

Onys, Xaintonge, Angomois, and Gascony.  Then march to Perigot, Medoc, and

Elanes, taking wherever you come, without resistance, towns, castles, and

forts; afterwards to Bayonne, St. John de Luc, to Fontarabia, where you

shall seize upon all the ships, and coasting along Galicia and Portugal,

shall pillage all the maritime places, even unto Lisbon, where you shall be

supplied with all necessaries befitting a conqueror.  By copsody, Spain

will yield, for they are but a race of loobies.  Then are you to pass by

the Straits of Gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately

than those of Hercules, to the perpetual memory of your name, and the

narrow entrance there shall be called the Picrocholinal sea.

Having passed the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself your

slave.  I will, said Picrochole, give him fair quarter and spare his life.

Yea, said they, so that he be content to be christened.  And you shall

conquer the kingdoms of Tunis, of Hippo, Argier, Bomine (Bona), Corone,

yea, all Barbary.  Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Majorca,

Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other islands of the Ligustic and

Balearian seas.  Going alongst on the left hand, you shall rule all Gallia

Narbonensis, Provence, the Allobrogians, Genoa, Florence, Lucca, and then

God b’w’ye, Rome.  (Our poor Monsieur the Pope dies now for fear.)  By my

faith, said Picrochole, I will not then kiss his pantoufle.

Italy being thus taken, behold Naples, Calabria, Apulia, and Sicily, all

ransacked, and Malta too.  I wish the pleasant Knights of the Rhodes

heretofore would but come to resist you, that we might see their urine.  I

would, said Picrochole, very willingly go to Loretto.  No, no, said they,

that shall be at our return.  From thence we will sail eastwards, and take

Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Islands, and set upon (the) Morea.

It is ours, by St. Trenian.  The Lord preserve Jerusalem; for the great

Soldan is not comparable to you in power.  I will then, said he, cause

Solomon’s temple to be built.  No, said they, not yet, have a little

patience, stay awhile, be never too sudden in your enterprises.  Can you

tell what Octavian Augustus said?  Festina lente.  It is requisite that you

first have the Lesser Asia, Caria, Lycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, Lydia,

Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Carazia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga,

Savasta, even unto Euphrates.  Shall we see, said Picrochole, Babylon and

Mount Sinai?  There is no need, said they, at this time.  Have we not

hurried up and down, travelled and toiled enough, in having transfretted

and passed over the Hircanian sea, marched alongst the two Armenias and the

three Arabias?  Ay, by my faith, said he, we have played the fools, and are

undone.  Ha, poor souls!  What’s the matter? said they.  What shall we

have, said he, to drink in these deserts?  For Julian Augustus with his

whole army died there for thirst, as they say.  We have already, said they,

given order for that.  In the Syriac sea you have nine thousand and

fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world.  They arrived

at Port Joppa.  There they found two-and-twenty thousand camels and sixteen

hundred elephants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about

Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia; and, besides this, you had all the

Mecca caravan.  Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine?  Yes, but,

said he, we did not drink it fresh.  By the virtue, said they, not of a

fish, a valiant man, a conqueror, who pretends and aspires to the monarchy

of the world, cannot always have his ease.  God be thanked that you and

your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the river Tigris.  But,

said he, what doth that part of our army in the meantime which overthrows

that unworthy swillpot Grangousier?  They are not idle, said they.  We

shall meet with them by-and-by.  They shall have won you Brittany,

Normandy, Flanders, Hainault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have

passed the Rhine over the bellies of the Switzers and lansquenets, and a

party of these hath subdued Luxembourg, Lorraine, Champagne, and Savoy,

even to Lyons, in which place they have met with your forces returning from

the naval conquests of the Mediterranean sea; and have rallied again in

Bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked Suevia, Wittemberg, Bavaria,

Austria, Moravia, and Styria.  Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck,

Norway, Swedeland, Rie, Denmark, Gitland, Greenland, the Sterlins, even

unto the frozen sea.  This done, they conquered the Isles of Orkney and

subdued Scotland, England, and Ireland.  From thence sailing through the

sandy sea and by the Sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia,

Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Wallachia, Transylvania, Hungary, Bulgaria,

Turkeyland, and are now at Constantinople.  Come, said Picrochole, let us

go join with them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Trebizond also.  Shall

we not kill all these dogs, Turks and Mahometans?  What a devil should we

do else? said they.  And you shall give their goods and lands to such as

shall have served you honestly.  Reason, said he, will have it so, that is

but just.  I give unto you the Caramania, Suria, and all the Palestine.

Ha, sir, said they, it is out of your goodness; gramercy, we thank you.

God grant you may always prosper.  There was there present at that time an

old gentleman well experienced in the wars, a stern soldier, and who had

been in many great hazards, named Echephron, who, hearing this discourse,

said, I do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or

interlude of the pitcher full of milk wherewith a shoemaker made himself

rich in conceit; but, when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to

dine.  What do you pretend by these large conquests?  What shall be the end

of so many labours and crosses?  Thus it shall be, said Picrochole, that

when we are returned we shall sit down, rest, and be merry.  But, said

Echephron, if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long

and dangerous, were it not better for us to take our rest now, than

unnecessarily to expose ourselves to so many dangers?  O, said

Swashbuckler, by G--, here is a good dotard; come, let us go hide ourselves

in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of our life

amongst ladies, in threading of pearls, or spinning, like Sardanapalus.  He

that nothing ventures hath neither horse nor mule, says Solomon.  He who

adventureth too much, said Echephron, loseth both horse and mule, answered

Malchon.  Enough, said Picrochole, go forward.  I fear nothing but that

these devilish legions of Grangousier, whilst we are in Mesopotamia, will

come on our backs and charge up our rear.  What course shall we then take?

What shall be our remedy?  A very good one, said Dirt-tail; a pretty little

commission, which you must send unto the Muscovites, shall bring you into

the field in an instant four hundred and fifty thousand choice men of war.

Oh that you would but make me your lieutenant-general, I should for the

lightest faults of any inflict great punishments.  I fret, I charge, I

strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the devil.  On, on, said Picrochole,

make haste, my lads, and let him that loves me follow me.

Chapter 1.XXXIV.

How Gargantua left the city of Paris to succour his country, and how

Gymnast encountered with the enemy.

In this same very hour Gargantua, who was gone out of Paris as soon as he

had read his father’s letters, coming upon his great mare, had already

passed the Nunnery-bridge, himself, Ponocrates, Gymnast, and Eudemon, who

all three, the better to enable them to go along with him, took

post-horses.  The rest of his train came after him by even journeys at a

slower pace, bringing with them all his books and philosophical instruments.

As soon as he had alighted at Parille, he was informed by a farmer of

Gouguet how Picrochole had fortified himself within the rock Clermond, and

had sent Captain Tripet with a great army to set upon the wood of Vede and

Vaugaudry, and that they had already plundered the whole country, not

leaving cock nor hen, even as far as to the winepress of Billard.  These

strange and almost incredible news of the enormous abuses thus committed

over all the land, so affrighted Gargantua that he knew not what to say nor

do.  But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon, who at

all times had been their friend and confederate, and that by him they should

be better advised in their business.  Which they did incontinently, and

found him very willing and fully resolved to assist them, and therefore was

of opinion that they should send some one of his company to scout along and

discover the country, to learn in what condition and posture the enemy was,

that they might take counsel, and proceed according to the present occasion.

Gymnast offered himself to go.  Whereupon it was concluded, that for his

safety and the better expedition, he should have with him someone that knew

the ways, avenues, turnings, windings, and rivers thereabout. Then away went

he and Prelingot, the equerry or gentleman of Vauguyon’s horse, who scouted

and espied as narrowly as they could upon all quarters without any fear.  In

the meantime Gargantua took a little refreshment, ate somewhat himself, the

like did those who were with him, and caused to give to his mare a picotine

of oats, that is, three score and fourteen quarters and three bushels.

Gymnast and his comrade rode so long, that at last they met with the enemy’s

forces, all scattered and out of order, plundering, stealing, robbing, and

pillaging all they could lay their hands on.  And, as far off as they could

perceive him, they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste

towards him, to unload him of his money, and untruss his portmantles.  Then

cried he out unto them, My masters, I am a poor devil, I desire you to spare

me.  I have yet one crown left.  Come, we must drink it, for it is aurum

potabile, and this horse here shall be sold to pay my welcome.  Afterwards

take me for one of your own, for never yet was there any man that knew

better how to take, lard, roast, and dress, yea, by G--, to tear asunder and

devour a hen, than I that am here:  and for my proficiat I drink to all good

fellows.  With that he unscrewed his borracho (which was a great Dutch

leathern bottle), and without putting in his nose drank very honestly.  The

maroufle rogues looked upon him, opening their throats a foot wide, and

putting out their tongues like greyhounds, in hopes to drink after him; but

Captain Tripet, in the very nick of that their expectation, came running to

him to see who it was.  To him Gymnast offered his bottle, saying, Hold,

captain, drink boldly and spare not; I have been thy taster, it is wine of

La Faye Monjau.  What! said Tripet, this fellow gibes and flouts us?  Who

art thou? said Tripet.  I am, said Gymnast, a poor devil (pauvre diable).

Ha, said Tripet, seeing thou art a poor devil, it is reason that thou

shouldst be permitted to go whithersoever thou wilt, for all poor devils

pass everywhere without toll or tax.  But it is not the custom of poor

devils to be so well mounted; therefore, sir devil, come down, and let me

have your horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, master devil, must do

it:  for I love a life that such a devil as you should carry me away.

Chapter 1.XXXV.

How Gymnast very souply and cunningly killed Captain Tripet and others of

Picrochole’s men.

When they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and

blessed themselves with both hands, thinking indeed that he had been a

devil disguised, insomuch that one of them, named Good John, captain of the

trained bands of the country bumpkins, took his psalter out of his

codpiece, and cried out aloud, Hagios ho theos.  If thou be of God, speak;

if thou be of the other spirit, avoid hence, and get thee going.  Yet he

went not away.  Which words being heard by all the soldiers that were

there, divers of them being a little inwardly terrified, departed from the

place.  All this did Gymnast very well remark and consider, and therefore

making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising

himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly, with his short sword by his

thigh, shifting his foot in the stirrup, performed the stirrup-leather

feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith

launched himself aloft in the air, and placed both his feet together on the

saddle, standing upright with his back turned towards the horse’s head.

Now, said he, my case goes backward.  Then suddenly in the same very

posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and, turning to

the left hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into its

former stance, without missing one jot.  Ha, said Tripet, I will not do

that at this time, and not without cause.  Well, said Gymnast, I have

failed, I will undo this leap.  Then with a marvellous strength and

agility, turning towards the right hand, he fetched another frisking gambol

as before, which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the hind-bow of the

saddle, raised himself up, and sprung in the air, poising and upholding his

whole body upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and

whirled himself about three times.  At the fourth, reversing his body, and

overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching anything,

he brought himself betwixt the horse’s two ears, springing with all his

body into the air, upon the thumb of his left hand, and in that posture,

turning like a windmill, did most actively do that trick which is called

the miller’s pass.  After this, clapping his right hand flat upon the

middle of the saddle, he gave himself such a jerking swing that he thereby

seated himself upon the crupper, after the manner of gentlewomen sitting on

horseback.  This done, he easily passed his right leg over the saddle, and

placed himself like one that rides in croup.  But, said he, it were better

for me to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon

the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only

supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air,

and straight found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a good

settlement.  Then with a somersault springing into the air again, he fell

to stand with both his feet close together upon the saddle, and there made

above a hundred frisks, turns, and demipommads, with his arms held out

across, and in so doing cried out aloud, I rage, I rage, devils, I am stark

mad, devils, I am mad, hold me, devils, hold me, hold, devils, hold, hold!

Whilst he was thus vaulting, the rogues in great astonishment said to one

another, By cock’s death, he is a goblin or a devil thus disguised.  Ab

hoste maligno libera nos, Domine, and ran away in a full flight, as if they

had been routed, looking now and then behind them, like a dog that carrieth

away a goose-wing in his mouth.  Then Gymnast, spying his advantage,

alighted from his horse, drew his sword, and laid on great blows upon the

thickset and highest crested among them, and overthrew them in great heaps,

hurt, wounded, and bruised, being resisted by nobody, they thinking he had

been a starved devil, as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting,

which they had seen, as for the talk Tripet had with him, calling him poor

devil.  Only Tripet would have traitorously cleft his head with his

horseman’s sword, or lance-knight falchion; but he was well armed, and felt

nothing of the blow but the weight of the stroke.  Whereupon, turning

suddenly about, he gave Tripet a home-thrust, and upon the back of that,

whilst he was about to ward his head from a slash, he ran him in at the

breast with a hit, which at once cut his stomach, the fifth gut called the

colon, and the half of his liver, wherewith he fell to the ground, and in

falling gushed forth above four pottles of pottage, and his soul mingled

with the pottage.

This done, Gymnast withdrew himself, very wisely considering that a case of

great adventure and hazard should not be pursued unto its utmost period,

and that it becomes all cavaliers modestly to use their good fortune,

without troubling or stretching it too far.  Wherefore, getting to horse,

he gave him the spur, taking the right way unto Vauguyon, and Prelinguand

with him.

Chapter 1.XXXVI.

How Gargantua demolished the castle at the ford of Vede, and how they

passed the ford.

As soon as he came, he related the estate and condition wherein they had

found the enemy, and the stratagem which he alone had used against all

their multitude, affirming that they were but rascally rogues, plunderers,

thieves, and robbers, ignorant of all military discipline, and that they

might boldly set forward unto the field; it being an easy matter to fell

and strike them down like beasts.  Then Gargantua mounted his great mare,

accompanied as we have said before, and finding in his way a high and great

tree, which commonly was called by the name of St. Martin’s tree, because

heretofore St. Martin planted a pilgrim’s staff there, which in tract of

time grew to that height and greatness, said, This is that which I lacked;

this tree shall serve me both for a staff and lance.  With that he pulled

it up easily, plucked off the boughs, and trimmed it at his pleasure.  In

the meantime his mare pissed to ease her belly, but it was in such

abundance that it did overflow the country seven leagues, and all the piss

of that urinal flood ran glib away towards the ford of Vede, wherewith the

water was so swollen that all the forces the enemy had there were with

great horror drowned, except some who had taken the way on the left hand

towards the hills.  Gargantua, being come to the place of the wood of Vede,

was informed by Eudemon that there was some remainder of the enemy within

the castle, which to know, Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able, Are

you there, or are you not there?  If you be there, be there no more; and if

you are not there, I have no more to say.  But a ruffian gunner, whose

charge was to attend the portcullis over the gate, let fly a cannon-ball at

him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right temple of his

head, yet did him no more hurt than if he had but cast a prune or kernel of

a wine-grape at him.  What is this? said Gargantua; do you throw at us

grape-kernels here?  The vintage shall cost you dear; thinking indeed that

the bullet had been the kernel of a grape, or raisin-kernel.

Those who were within the castle, being till then busy at the pillage, when

they heard this noise ran to the towers and fortresses, from whence they

shot at him above nine thousand and five-and-twenty falconshot and

arquebusades, aiming all at his head, and so thick did they shoot at him

that he cried out, Ponocrates, my friend, these flies here are like to put

out mine eyes; give me a branch of those willow-trees to drive them away,

thinking that the bullets and stones shot out of the great ordnance had

been but dunflies.  Ponocrates looked and saw that there were no other

flies but great shot which they had shot from the castle.  Then was it that

he rushed with his great tree against the castle, and with mighty blows

overthrew both towers and fortresses, and laid all level with the ground,

by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces.  Going

from thence, they came to the bridge at the mill, where they found all the

ford covered with dead bodies, so thick that they had choked up the mill

and stopped the current of its water, and these were those that were

destroyed in the urinal deluge of the mare.  There they were at a stand,

consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead carcasses.

But Gymnast said, If the devils have passed there, I will pass well enough.

The devils have passed there, said Eudemon, to carry away the damned souls.

By St. Treignan! said Ponocrates, then by necessary consequence he shall

pass there.  Yes, yes, said Gymnastes, or I shall stick in the way.  Then

setting spurs to his horse, he passed through freely, his horse not fearing

nor being anything affrighted at the sight of the dead bodies; for he had

accustomed him, according to the doctrine of Aelian, not to fear armour,

nor the carcasses of dead men; and that not by killing men as Diomedes did

the Thracians, or as Ulysses did in throwing the corpses of his enemies at

his horse’s feet, as Homer saith, but by putting a Jack-a-lent amongst his

hay, and making him go over it ordinarily when he gave him his oats.  The

other three followed him very close, except Eudemon only, whose horse’s

fore-right or far forefoot sank up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat

chuff who lay there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out.  There

was he pestered, until Gargantua, with the end of his staff, thrust down

the rest of the villain’s tripes into the water whilst the horse pulled out

his foot; and, which is a wonderful thing in hippiatry, the said horse was

thoroughly cured of a ringbone which he had in that foot by this touch of

the burst guts of that great looby.

Chapter 1.XXXVII.

How Gargantua, in combing his head, made the great cannon-balls fall out of

his hair.

Being come out of the river of Vede, they came very shortly after to

Grangousier’s castle, who waited for them with great longing.  At their

coming they were entertained with many congees, and cherished with

embraces.  Never was seen a more joyful company, for Supplementum

Supplementi Chronicorum saith that Gargamelle died there with joy; for my

part, truly I cannot tell, neither do I care very much for her, nor for

anybody else.  The truth was, that Gargantua, in shifting his clothes, and

combing his head with a comb, which was nine hundred foot long of the

Jewish cane measure, and whereof the teeth were great tusks of elephants,

whole and entire, he made fall at every rake above seven balls of bullets,

at a dozen the ball, that stuck in his hair at the razing of the castle of

the wood of Vede.  Which his father Grangousier seeing, thought they had

been lice, and said unto him, What, my dear son, hast thou brought us this

far some short-winged hawks of the college of Montague?  I did not mean

that thou shouldst reside there.  Then answered Ponocrates, My sovereign

lord, think not that I have placed him in that lousy college which they

call Montague; I had rather have put him amongst the grave-diggers of Sanct

Innocent, so enormous is the cruelty and villainy that I have known there:

for the galley-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars,

the murderers in the criminal dungeons, yea, the very dogs in your house,

than are the poor wretched students in the aforesaid college.  And if I

were King of Paris, the devil take me if I would not set it on fire, and

burn both principal and regents, for suffering this inhumanity to be

exercised before their eyes.  Then, taking up one of these bullets, he

said, These are cannon-shot, which your son Gargantua hath lately received

by the treachery of your enemies, as he was passing before the wood of

Vede.

But they have been so rewarded, that they are all destroyed in the ruin of

the castle, as were the Philistines by the policy of Samson, and those whom

the tower of Silohim slew, as it is written in the thirteenth of Luke.  My

opinion is, that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side; for

occasion hath all her hair on her forehead; when she is passed, you may not

recall her,--she hath no tuft whereby you can lay hold on her, for she is

bald in the hind-part of her head, and never returneth again.  Truly, said

Grangousier, it shall not be at this time; for I will make you a feast

this night, and bid you welcome.

This said, they made ready supper, and, of extraordinary besides his daily

fare, were roasted sixteen oxen, three heifers, two and thirty calves,

three score and three fat kids, four score and fifteen wethers, three

hundred farrow pigs or sheats soused in sweet wine or must, eleven score

partridges, seven hundred snipes and woodcocks, four hundred Loudun and

Cornwall capons, six thousand pullets, and as many pigeons, six hundred

crammed hens, fourteen hundred leverets, or young hares and rabbits, three

hundred and three buzzards, and one thousand and seven hundred cockerels.

For venison, they could not so suddenly come by it, only eleven wild boars,

which the Abbot of Turpenay sent, and eighteen fallow deer which the Lord

of Gramount bestowed; together with seven score pheasants, which were sent

by the Lord of Essars; and some dozens of queests, coushats, ringdoves, and

woodculvers; river-fowl, teals and awteals, bitterns, courtes, plovers,

francolins, briganders, tyrasons, young lapwings, tame ducks, shovellers,

woodlanders, herons, moorhens, criels, storks, canepetiers, oranges,

flamans, which are phaenicopters, or crimson-winged sea-fowls, terrigoles,

turkeys, arbens, coots, solan-geese, curlews, termagants, and

water-wagtails, with a great deal of cream, curds, and fresh cheese, and

store of soup, pottages, and brewis with great variety.  Without doubt there

was meat enough, and it was handsomely dressed by Snapsauce, Hotchpot, and

Brayverjuice, Grangousier’s cooks.  Jenkin Trudgeapace and Cleanglass were

very careful to fill them drink.

Chapter 1.XXXVIII.

How Gargantua did eat up six pilgrims in a salad.

The story requireth that we relate that which happened unto six pilgrims

who came from Sebastian near to Nantes, and who for shelter that night,

being afraid of the enemy, had hid themselves in the garden upon the

chichling peas, among the cabbages and lettuces.  Gargantua finding himself

somewhat dry, asked whether they could get any lettuce to make him a salad;

and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the country, for

they were as great as plum-trees or as walnut-trees, he would go thither

himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, and withal

carried away the six pilgrims, who were in so great fear that they did not

dare to speak nor cough.

Washing them, therefore, first at the fountain, the pilgrims said one to

another softly, What shall we do?  We are almost drowned here amongst these

lettuce, shall we speak?  But if we speak, he will kill us for spies.  And,

as they were thus deliberating what to do, Gargantua put them with the

lettuce into a platter of the house, as large as the huge tun of the White

Friars of the Cistercian order; which done, with oil, vinegar, and salt, he

ate them up, to refresh himself a little before supper, and had already

swallowed up five of the pilgrims, the sixth being in the platter, totally

hid under a lettuce, except his bourdon or staff that appeared, and nothing

else.  Which Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, I think that is the

horn of a shell-snail, do not eat it.  Why not? said Gargantua, they are

good all this month:  which he no sooner said, but, drawing up the staff,

and therewith taking up the pilgrim, he ate him very well, then drank a

terrible draught of excellent white wine.  The pilgrims, thus devoured,

made shift to save themselves as well as they could, by withdrawing their

bodies out of the reach of the grinders of his teeth, but could not escape

from thinking they had been put in the lowest dungeon of a prison.  And

when Gargantua whiffed the great draught, they thought to have been drowned

in his mouth, and the flood of wine had almost carried them away into the

gulf of his stomach.  Nevertheless, skipping with their bourdons, as St.

Michael’s palmers use to do, they sheltered themselves from the danger of

that inundation under the banks of his teeth.  But one of them by chance,

groping or sounding the country with his staff, to try whether they were in

safety or no, struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the

mandibulary sinew or nerve of the jaw, which put Gargantua to very great

pain, so that he began to cry for the rage that he felt.  To ease himself

therefore of his smarting ache, he called for his toothpicker, and rubbing

towards a young walnut-tree, where they lay skulking, unnestled you my

gentlemen pilgrims.

For he caught one by the legs, another by the scrip, another by the pocket,

another by the scarf, another by the band of the breeches, and the poor

fellow that had hurt him with the bourdon, him he hooked to him by the

codpiece, which snatch nevertheless did him a great deal of good, for it

pierced unto him a pocky botch he had in the groin, which grievously

tormented him ever since they were past Ancenis.  The pilgrims, thus

dislodged, ran away athwart the plain a pretty fast pace, and the pain

ceased, even just at the time when by Eudemon he was called to supper, for

all was ready.  I will go then, said he, and piss away my misfortune; which

he did do in such a copious measure, that the urine taking away the feet

from the pilgrims, they were carried along with the stream unto the bank of

a tuft of trees.  Upon which, as soon as they had taken footing, and that

for their self-preservation they had run a little out of the road, they on

a sudden fell all six, except Fourniller, into a trap that had been made to

take wolves by a train, out of which, nevertheless, they escaped by the

industry of the said Fourniller, who broke all the snares and ropes.  Being

gone from thence, they lay all the rest of that night in a lodge near unto

Coudray, where they were comforted in their miseries by the gracious words

of one of their company, called Sweer-to-go, who showed them that this

adventure had been foretold by the prophet David, Psalm.  Quum exsurgerent

homines in nos, forte vivos deglutissent nos; when we were eaten in the

salad, with salt, oil, and vinegar.  Quum irasceretur furor eorum in nos,

forsitan aqua absorbuisset nos; when he drank the great draught.  Torrentem

pertransivit anima nostra; when the stream of his water carried us to the

thicket.  Forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam intolerabilem; that is,

the water of his urine, the flood whereof, cutting our way, took our feet

from us.  Benedictus Dominus qui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum.

Anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantium; when we fell in

the trap.  Laqueus contritus est, by Fourniller, et nos liberati sumus.

Adjutorium nostrum, &c.

Chapter 1.XXXIX.

How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had

at supper.

When Gargantua was set down at table, after all of them had somewhat stayed

their stomachs by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten heartily,

Grangousier began to relate the source and cause of the war raised between

him and Picrochole; and came to tell how Friar John of the Funnels had

triumphed at the defence of the close of the abbey, and extolled him for

his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar, and Themistocles.  Then

Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for, to the end that with

him they might consult of what was to be done.  Whereupon, by a joint

consent, his steward went for him, and brought him along merrily, with his

staff of the cross, upon Grangousier’s mule.  When he was come, a thousand

huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were given.  Ha,

Friar John, my friend Friar John, my brave cousin Friar John from the

devil!  Let me clip thee, my heart, about the neck; to me an armful.  I

must grip thee, my ballock, till thy back crack with it.  Come, my cod, let

me coll thee till I kill thee.  And Friar John, the gladdest man in the

world, never was man made welcomer, never was any more courteously and

graciously received than Friar John.  Come, come, said Gargantua, a stool

here close by me at this end.  I am content, said the monk, seeing you will

have it so.  Some water, page; fill, my boy, fill; it is to refresh my

liver.  Give me some, child, to gargle my throat withal.  Deposita cappa,

said Gymnast, let us pull off this frock.  Ho, by G--, gentlemen, said the

monk, there is a chapter in Statutis Ordinis which opposeth my laying of it

down.  Pish! said Gymnast, a fig for your chapter!  This frock breaks both

your shoulders, put it off.  My friend, said the monk, let me alone with

it; for, by G--, I’ll drink the better that it is on.  It makes all my body

jocund.  If I should lay it aside, the waggish pages would cut to

themselves garters out of it, as I was once served at Coulaines.  And,

which is worse, I shall lose my appetite.  But if in this habit I sit down

at table, I will drink, by G--, both to thee and to thy horse, and so

courage, frolic, God save the company!  I have already supped, yet will I

eat never a whit the less for that; for I have a paved stomach, as hollow

as a butt of malvoisie or St. Benedictus’ boot (butt), and always open like

a lawyer’s pouch.  Of all fishes but the tench take the wing of a partridge

or the thigh of a nun.  Doth not he die like a good fellow that dies with a

stiff catso?  Our prior loves exceedingly the white of a capon.  In that,

said Gymnast, he doth not resemble the foxes; for of the capons, hens, and

pullets which they carry away they never eat the white.  Why? said the

monk.  Because, said Gymnast, they have no cooks to dress them; and, if

they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not white; the

redness of meats being a token that they have not got enough of the fire,

whether by boiling, roasting, or otherwise, except the shrimps, lobsters,

crabs, and crayfishes, which are cardinalized with boiling.  By God’s

feast-gazers, said the monk, the porter of our abbey then hath not his head

well boiled, for his eyes are as red as a mazer made of an alder-tree.  The

thigh of this leveret is good for those that have the gout.  To the purpose

of the truel,--what is the reason that the thighs of a gentlewoman are

always fresh and cool?  This problem, said Gargantua, is neither in

Aristotle, in Alexander Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch.  There are three

causes, said the monk, by which that place is naturally refreshed.  Primo,

because the water runs all along by it.  Secundo, because it is a shady

place, obscure and dark, upon which the sun never shines.  And thirdly,

because it is continually flabbelled, blown upon, and aired by the north

winds of the hole arstick, the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the

codpiece.  And lusty, my lads.  Some bousing liquor, page!  So! crack,

crack, crack.  O how good is God, that gives us of this excellent juice!  I

call him to witness, if I had been in the time of Jesus Christ, I would

have kept him from being taken by the Jews in the garden of Olivet.  And

the devil fail me, if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these

gentlemen apostles who ran away so basely after they had well supped, and

left their good master in the lurch.  I hate that man worse than poison

that offers to run away when he should fight and lay stoutly about him.  Oh

that I were but King of France for fourscore or a hundred years!  By G--, I

should whip like curtail-dogs these runaways of Pavia.  A plague take them;

why did they not choose rather to die there than to leave their good prince

in that pinch and necessity?  Is it not better and more honourable to

perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running

away?  We are like to eat no great store of goslings this year; therefore,

friend, reach me some of that roasted pig there.

Diavolo, is there no more must?  No more sweet wine?  Germinavit radix

Jesse.  Je renie ma vie, je meurs de soif; I renounce my life, I rage for

thirst.  This wine is none of the worst.  What wine drink you at Paris?  I

give myself to the devil, if I did not once keep open house at Paris for

all comers six months together.  Do you know Friar Claude of the high

kilderkins?  Oh the good fellow that he is!  But I do not know what fly

hath stung him of late, he is become so hard a student.  For my part, I

study not at all.  In our abbey we never study for fear of the mumps, which

disease in horses is called the mourning in the chine.  Our late abbot was

wont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned monk.  By G--,

master, my friend, Magis magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes.

You never saw so many hares as there are this year.  I could not anywhere

come by a goshawk nor tassel of falcon.  My Lord Belloniere promised me a

lanner, but he wrote to me not long ago that he was become pursy.  The

partridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up

our ears.  I take no delight in the stalking-horse, for I catch such cold

that I am like to founder myself at that sport.  If I do not run, toil,

travel, and trot about, I am not well at ease.  True it is that in leaping

over the hedges and bushes my frock leaves always some of its wool behind

it.  I have recovered a dainty greyhound; I give him to the devil, if he

suffer a hare to escape him.  A groom was leading him to my Lord

Huntlittle, and I robbed him of him.  Did I ill?  No, Friar John, said

Gymnast, no, by all the devils that are, no!  So, said the monk, do I

attest these same devils so long as they last, or rather, virtue (of) G--,

what could that gouty limpard have done with so fine a dog?  By the body of

G--, he is better pleased when one presents him with a good yoke of oxen.

How now, said Ponocrates, you swear, Friar John.  It is only, said the

monk, but to grace and adorn my speech.  They are colours of a Ciceronian

rhetoric.

Chapter 1.XL.

Why monks are the outcasts of the world; and wherefore some have bigger

noses than others.

By the faith of a Christian, said Eudemon, I do wonderfully dote and enter

in a great ecstasy when I consider the honesty and good fellowship of this

monk, for he makes us here all merry.  How is it, then, that they exclude

the monks from all good companies, calling them feast-troublers, marrers of

mirth, and disturbers of all civil conversation, as the bees drive away the

drones from their hives?  Ignavum fucos pecus, said Maro, a praesepibus

arcent.  Hereunto, answered Gargantua, there is nothing so true as that the

frock and cowl draw unto itself the opprobries, injuries, and maledictions

of the world, just as the wind called Cecias attracts the clouds.  The

peremptory reason is, because they eat the ordure and excrements of the

world, that is to say, the sins of the people, and, like dung-chewers and

excrementitious eaters, they are cast into the privies and secessive

places, that is, the convents and abbeys, separated from political

conversation, as the jakes and retreats of a house are.  But if you

conceive how an ape in a family is always mocked and provokingly incensed,

you shall easily apprehend how monks are shunned of all men, both young and

old.  The ape keeps not the house as a dog doth, he draws not in the plough

as the ox, he yields neither milk nor wool as the sheep, he carrieth no

burden as a horse doth.  That which he doth, is only to conskite, spoil,

and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks,

frumperies, and bastinadoes.

After the same manner a monk--I mean those lither, idle, lazy monks--doth

not labour and work, as do the peasant and artificer; doth not ward and

defend the country, as doth the man of war; cureth not the sick and

diseased, as the physician doth; doth neither preach nor teach, as do the

evangelical doctors and schoolmasters; doth not import commodities and

things necessary for the commonwealth, as the merchant doth.  Therefore is

it that by and of all men they are hooted at, hated, and abhorred.  Yea,

but, said Grangousier, they pray to God for us.  Nothing less, answered

Gargantua.  True it is, that with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they

trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them.  Right, said the

monk; a mass, a matin, a vesper well rung, are half said.  They mumble out

great store of legends and psalms, by them not at all understood; they say

many paternosters interlarded with Ave-Maries, without thinking upon or

apprehending the meaning of what it is they say, which truly I call mocking

of God, and not prayers.  But so help them God, as they pray for us, and

not for being afraid to lose their victuals, their manchots, and good fat

pottage.  All true Christians, of all estates and conditions, in all places

and at all times, send up their prayers to God, and the Mediator prayeth

and intercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them.  Now such a one is

our good Friar John; therefore every man desireth to have him in his

company.  He is no bigot or hypocrite; he is not torn and divided betwixt

reality and appearance; no wretch of a rugged and peevish disposition, but

honest, jovial, resolute, and a good fellow.  He travels, he labours, he

defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, helps the needy, and keeps

the close of the abbey.  Nay, said the monk, I do a great deal more than

that; for whilst we are in despatching our matins and anniversaries in the

choir, I make withal some crossbow-strings, polish glass bottles and bolts,

I twist lines and weave purse nets wherein to catch coneys.  I am never

idle.  But now, hither come, some drink, some drink here!  Bring the fruit.

These chestnuts are of the wood of Estrox, and with good new wine are able

to make you a fine cracker and composer of bum-sonnets.  You are not as

yet, it seems, well moistened in this house with the sweet wine and must.

By G--, I drink to all men freely, and at all fords, like a proctor or

promoter’s horse.  Friar John, said Gymnast, take away the snot that hangs

at your nose.  Ha, ha, said the monk, am not I in danger of drowning,

seeing I am in water even to the nose?  No, no, Quare?  Quia, though some

water come out from thence, there never goes in any; for it is well

antidoted with pot-proof armour and syrup of the vine-leaf.

Oh, my friend, he that hath winter-boots made of such leather may boldly

fish for oysters, for they will never take water.  What is the cause, said

Gargantua, that Friar John hath such a fair nose?  Because, said

Grangousier, that God would have it so, who frameth us in such form and for

such end as is most agreeable with his divine will, even as a potter

fashioneth his vessels.  Because, said Ponocrates, he came with the first

to the fair of noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and the

greatest.  Pish, said the monk, that is not the reason of it, but,

according to the true monastical philosophy, it is because my nurse had

soft teats, by virtue whereof, whilst she gave me suck, my nose did sink in

as in so much butter.  The hard breasts of nurses make children

short-nosed.  But hey, gay, Ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi.  I

never eat any confections, page, whilst I am at the bibbery.  Item, bring

me rather some toasts.

Chapter 1.XLI.

How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his hours and breviaries.

Supper being ended, they consulted of the business in hand, and concluded

that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemy, to know what

manner of watch and ward they kept, and that in the meanwhile they should

take a little rest the better to refresh themselves.  But Gargantua could

not sleep by any means, on which side soever he turned himself.  Whereupon

the monk said to him, I never sleep soundly but when I am at sermon or

prayers.  Let us therefore begin, you and I, the seven penitential psalms,

to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep.  The conceit pleased

Gargantua very well, and, beginning the first of these psalms, as soon as

they came to the words Beati quorum they fell asleep, both the one and the

other.  But the monk, for his being formerly accustomed to the hour of

claustral matins, failed not to awake a little before midnight, and, being

up himself, awaked all the rest, in singing aloud, and with a full clear

voice, the song:

  Awake, O Reinian, ho, awake!

    Awake, O Reinian, ho!

  Get up, you no more sleep must take;

    Get up, for we must go.

When they were all roused and up, he said, My masters, it is a usual

saying, that we begin matins with coughing and supper with drinking.  Let

us now, in doing clean contrarily, begin our matins with drinking, and at

night before supper we shall cough as hard as we can.  What, said

Gargantua, to drink so soon after sleep?  This is not to live according to

the diet and prescript rule of the physicians, for you ought first to scour

and cleanse your stomach of all its superfluities and excrements.  Oh, well

physicked, said the monk; a hundred devils leap into my body, if there be

not more old drunkards than old physicians!  I have made this paction and

covenant with my appetite, that it always lieth down and goes to bed with

myself, for to that I every day give very good order; then the next morning

it also riseth with me and gets up when I am awake.  Mind you your charges,

gentlemen, or tend your cures as much as you will.  I will get me to my

drawer; in terms of falconry, my tiring.  What drawer or tiring do you

mean? said Gargantua.  My breviary, said the monk, for just as the

falconers, before they feed their hawks, do make them draw at a hen’s leg

to purge their brains of phlegm and sharpen them to a good appetite, so, by

taking this merry little breviary in the morning, I scour all my lungs and

am presently ready to drink.

After what manner, said Gargantua, do you say these fair hours and prayers

of yours?  After the manner of Whipfield (Fessecamp, and corruptly Fecan.),

said the monk, by three psalms and three lessons, or nothing at all, he

that will.  I never tie myself to hours, prayers, and sacraments; for they

are made for the man and not the man for them.  Therefore is it that I make

my prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers; I shorten or lengthen them when

I think good.  Brevis oratio penetrat caelos et longa potatio evacuat

scyphos.  Where is that written?  By my faith, said Ponocrates, I cannot

tell, my pillicock, but thou art more worth than gold.  Therein, said the

monk, I am like you; but, venite, apotemus.  Then made they ready store of

carbonadoes, or rashers on the coals, and good fat soups, or brewis with

sippets; and the monk drank what he pleased.  Some kept him company, and

the rest did forbear, for their stomachs were not as yet opened.

Afterwards every man began to arm and befit himself for the field. And they

armed the monk against his will; for he desired no other armour for back

and breast but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand but the staff of

the cross.  Yet at their pleasure was he completely armed cap-a-pie, and

mounted upon one of the best horses in the kingdom, with a good slashing

shable by his side, together with Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, Eudemon,

and five-and-twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of

Grangousier’s house, all armed at proof with their lances in their hands,

mounted like St. George, and everyone of them having an arquebusier behind

him.

Chapter 1.XLII.

How the Monk encouraged his fellow-champions, and how he hanged upon a

tree.

Thus went out those valiant champions on their adventure, in full

resolution to know what enterprise they should undertake, and what to take

heed of and look well to in the day of the great and horrible battle.  And

the monk encouraged them, saying, My children, do not fear nor doubt, I

will conduct you safely.  God and Sanct Benedict be with us!  If I had

strength answerable to my courage, by’s death, I would plume them for you

like ducks.  I fear nothing but the great ordnance; yet I know of a charm

by way of prayer, which the subsexton of our abbey taught me, that will

preserve a man from the violence of guns and all manner of fire-weapons and

engines; but it will do me no good, because I do not believe it.

Nevertheless, I hope my staff of the cross shall this day play devilish

pranks amongst them.  By G--, whoever of our party shall offer to play the

duck, and shrink when blows are a-dealing, I give myself to the devil, if I

do not make a monk of him in my stead, and hamper him within my frock,

which is a sovereign cure against cowardice.  Did you never hear of my Lord

Meurles his greyhound, which was not worth a straw in the fields?  He put a

frock about his neck:  by the body of G--, there was neither hare nor fox

that could escape him, and, which is more, he lined all the bitches in the

country, though before that he was feeble-reined and ex frigidis et

maleficiatis.

The monk uttering these words in choler, as he passed under a walnut-tree,

in his way towards the causey, he broached the vizor of his helmet on the

stump of a great branch of the said tree.  Nevertheless, he set his spurs

so fiercely to the horse, who was full of mettle and quick on the spur,

that he bounded forwards, and the monk going about to ungrapple his vizor,

let go his hold of the bridle, and so hanged by his hand upon the bough,

whilst his horse stole away from under him.  By this means was the monk

left hanging on the walnut-tree, and crying for help, murder, murder,

swearing also that he was betrayed.  Eudemon perceived him first, and

calling Gargantua said, Sir, come and see Absalom hanging.  Gargantua,

being come, considered the countenance of the monk, and in what posture he

hanged; wherefore he said to Eudemon, You were mistaken in comparing him to

Absalom; for Absalom hung by his hair, but this shaveling monk hangeth by

the ears.  Help me, said the monk, in the devil’s name; is this a time for

you to prate?  You seem to me to be like the decretalist preachers, who say

that whosoever shall see his neighbour in the danger of death, ought, upon

pain of trisulk excommunication, rather choose to admonish him to make his

confession to a priest, and put his conscience in the state of peace, than

otherwise to help and relieve him.

And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river, and ready to be

drowned, I shall make them a fair long sermon de contemptu mundi, et fuga

seculi; and when they are stark dead, shall then go to their aid and

succour in fishing after them.  Be quiet, said Gymnast, and stir not, my

minion.  I am now coming to unhang thee and to set thee at freedom, for

thou art a pretty little gentle monachus.  Monachus in claustro non valet

ova duo; sed quando est extra, bene valet triginta.  I have seen above five

hundred hanged, but I never saw any have a better countenance in his

dangling and pendilatory swagging.  Truly, if I had so good a one, I would

willingly hang thus all my lifetime.  What, said the monk, have you almost

done preaching?  Help me, in the name of God, seeing you will not in the

name of the other spirit, or, by the habit which I wear, you shall repent

it, tempore et loco praelibatis.

Then Gymnast alighted from his horse, and, climbing up the walnut-tree,

lifted up the monk with one hand by the gussets of his armour under the

armpits, and with the other undid his vizor from the stump of the broken

branch; which done, he let him fall to the ground and himself after.  As

soon as the monk was down, he put off all his armour, and threw away one

piece after another about the field, and, taking to him again his staff of

the cross, remounted up to his horse, which Eudemon had caught in his

running away.  Then went they on merrily, riding along on the highway.

Chapter 1.XLIII.

How the scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua, and

how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth (Tirevant.), and then was taken

prisoner by his enemies.

Picrochole, at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and

defeat wherein Tripet was untriped, grew very angry that the devils should

have so run upon his men, and held all that night a counsel of war, at

which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet (Hastiveau, Touquedillon.), concluded his

power to be such that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell if they

should come to jostle with his forces.  This Picrochole did not fully

believe, though he doubted not much of it.  Therefore sent he under the

command and conduct of the Count Drawforth, for discovering of the country,

the number of sixteen hundred horsemen, all well mounted upon light horses

for skirmish and thoroughly besprinkled with holy water; and everyone for

their field-mark or cognizance had the sign of a star in his scarf, to

serve at all adventures in case they should happen to encounter with

devils, that by the virtue, as well of that Gregorian water as of the stars

which they wore, they might make them disappear and evanish.

In this equipage they made an excursion upon the country till they came

near to the Vauguyon, which is the valley of Guyon, and to the spital, but

could never find anybody to speak unto; whereupon they returned a little

back, and took occasion to pass above the aforesaid hospital to try what

intelligence they could come by in those parts.  In which resolution riding

on, and by chance in a pastoral lodge or shepherd’s cottage near to Coudray

hitting upon the five pilgrims, they carried them way-bound and manacled,

as if they had been spies, for all the exclamations, adjurations, and

requests that they could make.  Being come down from thence towards

Seville, they were heard by Gargantua, who said then unto those that were

with him, Comrades and fellow-soldiers, we have here met with an encounter,

and they are ten times in number more than we.  Shall we charge them or no?

What a devil, said the monk, shall we do else?  Do you esteem men by their

number rather than by their valour and prowess?  With this he cried out,

Charge, devils, charge!  Which when the enemies heard, they thought

certainly that they had been very devils, and therefore even then began all

of them to run away as hard as they could drive, Drawforth only excepted,

who immediately settled his lance on its rest, and therewith hit the monk

with all his force on the very middle of his breast, but, coming against

his horrific frock, the point of the iron being with the blow either broke

off or blunted, it was in matter of execution as if you had struck against

an anvil with a little wax-candle.

Then did the monk with his staff of the cross give him such a sturdy thump

and whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders, upon the acromion bone, that he

made him lose both sense and motion and fall down stone dead at his horse’s

feet; and, seeing the sign of the star which he wore scarfwise, he said

unto Gargantua, These men are but priests, which is but the beginning of a

monk; by St. John, I am a perfect monk, I will kill them to you like flies.

Then ran he after them at a swift and full gallop till he overtook the

rear, and felled them down like tree-leaves, striking athwart and alongst

and every way.  Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if they should pursue

them.  To whom Gargantua answered, By no means; for, according to right

military discipline, you must never drive your enemy unto despair, for that

such a strait doth multiply his force and increase his courage, which was

before broken and cast down; neither is there any better help or outrage of

relief for men that are amazed, out of heart, toiled, and spent, than to

hope for no favour at all.  How many victories have been taken out of the

hands of the victors by the vanquished, when they would not rest satisfied

with reason, but attempt to put all to the sword, and totally to destroy

their enemies, without leaving so much as one to carry home news of the

defeat of his fellows.  Open, therefore, unto your enemies all the gates

and ways, and make to them a bridge of silver rather than fail, that you

may be rid of them.  Yea, but, said Gymnast, they have the monk.  Have they

the monk? said Gargantua.  Upon mine honour, then, it will prove to their

cost.  But to prevent all dangers, let us not yet retreat, but halt here

quietly as in an ambush; for I think I do already understand the policy and

judgment of our enemies.  They are truly more directed by chance and mere

fortune than by good advice and counsel.  In the meanwhile, whilst these

made a stop under the walnut-trees, the monk pursued on the chase, charging

all he overtook, and giving quarter to none, until he met with a trooper

who carried behind him one of the poor pilgrims, and there would have

rifled him.  The pilgrim, in hope of relief at the sight of the monk, cried

out, Ha, my lord prior, my good friend, my lord prior, save me, I beseech

you, save me!  Which words being heard by those that rode in the van, they

instantly faced about, and seeing there was nobody but the monk that made

this great havoc and slaughter among them, they loaded him with blows as

thick as they use to do an ass with wood.  But of all this he felt nothing,

especially when they struck upon his frock, his skin was so hard.  Then

they committed him to two of the marshal’s men to keep, and, looking about,

saw nobody coming against them, whereupon they thought that Gargantua and

his party were fled.  Then was it that they rode as hard as they could

towards the walnut-trees to meet with them, and left the monk there all

alone, with his two foresaid men to guard him.  Gargantua heard the noise

and neighing of the horses, and said to his men, Comrades, I hear the track

and beating of the enemy’s horse-feet, and withal perceive that some of

them come in a troop and full body against us.  Let us rally and close

here, then set forward in order, and by this means we shall be able to

receive their charge to their loss and our honour.

Chapter 1.XLIV.

How the Monk rid himself of his keepers, and how Picrochole’s forlorn hope

was defeated.

The monk, seeing them break off thus without order, conjectured that they

were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him, and was

wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them.  Then considered he the

countenance of the two keepers in whose custody he was, who would have

willingly run after the troops to get some booty and plunder, and were

always looking towards the valley unto which they were going.  Farther, he

syllogized, saying, These men are but badly skilled in matters of war, for

they have not required my parole, neither have they taken my sword from me.

Suddenly hereafter he drew his brackmard or horseman’s sword, wherewith he

gave the keeper which held him on the right side such a sound slash that he

cut clean through the jugulary veins and the sphagitid or transparent

arteries of the neck, with the fore-part of the throat called the

gargareon, even unto the two adenes, which are throat kernels; and,

redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and

third vertebrae.  There fell down that keeper stark dead to the ground.

Then the monk, reining his horse to the left, ran upon the other, who,

seeing his fellow dead, and the monk to have the advantage of him, cried

with a loud voice, Ha, my lord prior, quarter; I yield, my lord prior,

quarter; quarter, my good friend, my lord prior.  And the monk cried

likewise, My lord posterior, my friend, my lord posterior, you shall have

it upon your posteriorums.  Ha, said the keeper, my lord prior, my minion,

my gentle lord prior, I pray God make you an abbot.  By the habit, said the

monk, which I wear, I will here make you a cardinal.  What! do you use to

pay ransoms to religious men?  You shall therefore have by-and-by a red hat

of my giving.  And the fellow cried, Ha, my lord prior, my lord prior, my

lord abbot that shall be, my lord cardinal, my lord all!  Ha, ha, hes, no,

my lord prior, my good little lord the prior, I yield, render and deliver

myself up to you.  And I deliver thee, said the monk, to all the devils in

hell.  Then at one stroke he cut off his head, cutting his scalp upon the

temple-bones, and lifting up in the upper part of the skull the two

triangulary bones called sincipital, or the two bones bregmatis, together

with the sagittal commissure or dartlike seam which distinguisheth the

right side of the head from the left, as also a great part of the coronal

or forehead bone, by which terrible blow likewise he cut the two meninges

or films which enwrap the brain, and made a deep wound in the brain’s two

posterior ventricles, and the cranium or skull abode hanging upon his

shoulders by the skin of the pericranium behind, in form of a doctor’s

bonnet, black without and red within.  Thus fell he down also to the ground

stark dead.

And presently the monk gave his horse the spur, and kept the way that the

enemy held, who had met with Gargantua and his companions in the broad

highway, and were so diminished of their number for the enormous slaughter

that Gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast,

Ponocrates, Eudemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly

and in great haste, as men altogether affrighted and troubled in both sense

and understanding, and as if they had seen the very proper species and form

of death before their eyes; or rather, as when you see an ass with a brizze

or gadbee under his tail, or fly that stings him, run hither and thither

without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the ground,

breaking his bridle and reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no man

can tell what ails him, for they see not anything touch him.  So fled these

people destitute of wit, without knowing any cause of flying, only pursued

by a panic terror which in their minds they had conceived.  The monk,

perceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to their heels,

alighted from his horse and got upon a big large rock which was in the way,

and with his great brackmard sword laid such load upon those runaways, and

with main strength fetching a compass with his arm without feigning or

sparing, slew and overthrew so many that his sword broke in two pieces.

Then thought he within himself that he had slain and killed sufficiently,

and that the rest should escape to carry news.  Therefore he took up a

battle-axe of those that lay there dead, and got upon the rock again,

passing his time to see the enemy thus flying and to tumble himself amongst

the dead bodies, only that he suffered none to carry pike, sword, lance,

nor gun with him, and those who carried the pilgrims bound he made to

alight, and gave their horses unto the said pilgrims, keeping them there

with him under the hedge, and also Touchfaucet, who was then his prisoner.

Chapter 1.XLV.

How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and of the good words

that Grangousier gave them.

This skirmish being ended, Gargantua retreated with his men, excepting the

monk, and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier, who in

his bed was praying unto God for their safety and victory.  And seeing them

all safe and sound, he embraced them lovingly, and asked what was become of

the monk.  Gargantua answered him that without doubt the enemies had the

monk.  Then have they mischief and ill luck, said Grangousier; which was

very true.  Therefore is it a common proverb to this day, to give a man the

monk, or, as in French, lui bailler le moine, when they would express the

doing unto one a mischief.  Then commanded he a good breakfast to be

provided for their refreshment.  When all was ready, they called Gargantua,

but he was so aggrieved that the monk was not to be heard of that he would

neither eat nor drink.  In the meanwhile the monk comes, and from the gate

of the outer court cries out aloud, Fresh wine, fresh wine, Gymnast my

friend!  Gymnast went out and saw that it was Friar John, who brought along

with him five pilgrims and Touchfaucet prisoners; whereupon Gargantua

likewise went forth to meet him, and all of them made him the best welcome

that possibly they could, and brought him before Grangousier, who asked him

of all his adventures.  The monk told him all, both how he was taken, how

he rid himself of his keepers, of the slaughter he had made by the way, and

how he had rescued the pilgrims and brought along with him Captain

Touchfaucet.  Then did they altogether fall to banqueting most merrily.  In

the meantime Grangousier asked the pilgrims what countrymen they were,

whence they came, and whither they went.  Sweer-to-go in the name of the

rest answered, My sovereign lord, I am of Saint Genou in Berry, this man is

of Palvau, this other is of Onzay, this of Argy, this of St. Nazarand, and

this man of Villebrenin.  We come from Saint Sebastian near Nantes, and are

now returning, as we best may, by easy journeys.  Yea, but, said

Grangousier, what went you to do at Saint Sebastian?  We went, said

Sweer-to-go, to offer up unto that sanct our vows against the plague.  Ah,

poor men! said Grangousier, do you think that the plague comes from Saint

Sebastian?  Yes, truly, answered Sweer-to-go, our preachers tell us so

indeed.  But is it so, said Grangousier, do the false prophets teach you

such abuses?  Do they thus blaspheme the sancts and holy men of God, as to

make them like unto the devils, who do nothing but hurt unto mankind,--as

Homer writeth, that the plague was sent into the camp of the Greeks by

Apollo, and as the poets feign a great rabble of Vejoves and mischievous

gods.  So did a certain cafard or dissembling religionary preach at Sinay,

that Saint Anthony sent the fire into men’s legs, that Saint Eutropius made

men hydropic, Saint Clidas, fools, and that Saint Genou made them goutish.

But I punished him so exemplarily, though he called me heretic for it, that

since that time no such hypocritical rogue durst set his foot within my

territories.  And truly I wonder that your king should suffer them in their

sermons to publish such scandalous doctrine in his dominions; for they

deserve to be chastised with greater severity than those who, by magical

art, or any other device, have brought the pestilence into a country.  The

pest killeth but the bodies, but such abominable imposters empoison our

very souls.  As he spake these words, in came the monk very resolute, and

asked them, Whence are you, you poor wretches?  Of Saint Genou, said they.

And how, said the monk, does the Abbot Gulligut, the good drinker,--and the

monks, what cheer make they?  By G-- body, they’ll have a fling at your

wives, and breast them to some purpose, whilst you are upon your roaming

rant and gadding pilgrimage.  Hin, hen, said Sweer-to-go, I am not afraid

of mine, for he that shall see her by day will never break his neck to come

to her in the night-time.  Yea, marry, said the monk, now you have hit it.

Let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina, she will once, by the Lord G--,

be overturned, and get her skin-coat shaken, if there dwell any monks near

to her; for a good carpenter will make use of any kind of timber.  Let me

be peppered with the pox, if you find not all your wives with child at your

return; for the very shadow of the steeple of an abbey is fruitful.  It is,

said Gargantua, like the water of Nilus in Egypt, if you believe Strabo and

Pliny, Lib. 7, cap. 3.  What virtue will there be then, said the monk, in

their bullets of concupiscence, their habits and their bodies?

Then, said Grangousier, go your ways, poor men, in the name of God the

Creator, to whom I pray to guide you perpetually, and henceforward be not

so ready to undertake these idle and unprofitable journeys.  Look to your

families, labour every man in his vocation, instruct your children, and

live as the good apostle St. Paul directeth you; in doing whereof, God, his

angels and sancts, will guard and protect you, and no evil or plague at any

time shall befall you.  Then Gargantua led them into the hall to take their

refection; but the pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to Gargantua, O

how happy is that land which hath such a man for their lord!  We have been

more edified and instructed by the talk which he had with us, than by all

the sermons that ever were preached in our town.  This is, said Gargantua,

that which Plato saith, Lib. 5 de Republ., that those commonwealths are

happy, whose rulers philosophate, and whose philosophers rule.  Then caused

he their wallets to be filled with victuals and their bottles with wine,

and gave unto each of them a horse to ease them upon the way, together with

some pence to live by.

Chapter 1.XLVI.

How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchfaucet his prisoner.

Touchfaucet was presented unto Grangousier, and by him examined upon the

enterprise and attempt of Picrochole, what it was he could pretend to, or

aim at, by the rustling stir and tumultuary coil of this his sudden

invasion.  Whereunto he answered, that his end and purpose was to conquer

all the country, if he could, for the injury done to his cake-bakers.  It

is too great an undertaking, said Grangousier; and, as the proverb is, He

that grips too much, holds fast but little.  The time is not now as

formerly, to conquer the kingdoms of our neighbour princes, and to build up

our own greatness upon the loss of our nearest Christian Brother.  This

imitation of the ancient Herculeses, Alexanders, Hannibals, Scipios,

Caesars, and other such heroes, is quite contrary to the profession of the

gospel of Christ, by which we are commanded to preserve, keep, rule, and

govern every man his own country and lands, and not in a hostile manner to

invade others; and that which heretofore the Barbars and Saracens called

prowess and valour, we do now call robbing, thievery, and wickedness.  It

would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within

the bounds of his own territories, royally governing them, than to insult

and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering everywhere like a most

unmerciful enemy; for, by ruling his own with discretion, he might have

increased his greatness, but by robbing me he cannot escape destruction.

Go your ways in the name of God, prosecute good enterprises, show your king

what is amiss, and never counsel him with regard unto your own particular

profit, for the public loss will swallow up the private benefit.  As for

your ransom, I do freely remit it to you, and will that your arms and horse

be restored to you; so should good neighbours do, and ancient friends,

seeing this our difference is not properly war.  As Plato, Lib. 5 de

Repub., would not have it called war, but sedition, when the Greeks took up

arms against one another, and that therefore, when such combustions should

arise amongst them, his advice was to behave themselves in the managing of

them with all discretion and modesty.  Although you call it war, it is but

superficial; it entereth not into the closet and inmost cabinet of our

hearts.  For neither of us hath been wronged in his honour, nor is there

any question betwixt us in the main, but only how to redress, by the bye,

some petty faults committed by our men,--I mean, both yours and ours,

which, although you knew, you ought to let pass; for these quarrelsome

persons deserve rather to be contemned than mentioned, especially seeing I

offered them satisfaction according to the wrong.  God shall be the just

judge of our variances, whom I beseech by death rather to take me out of

this life, and to permit my goods to perish and be destroyed before mine

eyes, than that by me or mine he should in any sort be wronged.  These

words uttered, he called the monk, and before them all thus spoke unto him,

Friar John, my good friend, it is you that took prisoner the Captain

Touchfaucet here present?  Sir, said the monk, seeing himself is here, and

that he is of the years of discretion, I had rather you should know it by

his confession than by any words of mine.  Then said Touchfaucet, My

sovereign lord it is he indeed that took me, and I do therefore most freely

yield myself his prisoner.  Have you put him to any ransom? said

Grangousier to the monk.  No, said the monk, of that I take no care.  How

much would you have for having taken him?  Nothing, nothing, said the monk;

I am not swayed by that, nor do I regard it.  Then Grangousier commanded

that, in presence of Touchfaucet, should be delivered to the monk for

taking him the sum of three score and two thousand saluts (in English

money, fifteen thousand and five hundred pounds), which was done, whilst

they made a collation or little banquet to the said Touchfaucet, of whom

Grangousier asked if he would stay with him, or if he loved rather to

return to his king.  Touchfaucet answered that he was content to take

whatever course he would advise him to.  Then, said Grangousier, return

unto your king, and God be with you.

Then he gave him an excellent sword of a Vienne blade, with a golden

scabbard wrought with vine-branch-like flourishes, of fair goldsmith’s

work, and a collar or neck-chain of gold, weighing seven hundred and two

thousand marks (at eight ounces each), garnished with precious stones of

the finest sort, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand ducats, and ten

thousand crowns more, as an honourable donative, by way of present.

After this talk Touchfaucet got to his horse, and Gargantua for his safety

allowed him the guard of thirty men-at-arms and six score archers to attend

him, under the conduct of Gymnast, to bring him even unto the gate of the

rock Clermond, if there were need.  As soon as he was gone, the monk

restored unto Grangousier the three score and two thousand saluts which he

had received, saying, Sir, it is not as yet the time for you to give such

gifts; stay till this war be at an end, for none can tell what accidents

may occur, and war begun without good provision of money beforehand for

going through with it, is but as a breathing of strength, and blast that

will quickly pass away.  Coin is the sinews of war.  Well then, said

Grangousier, at the end I will content you by some honest recompense, as

also all those who shall do me good service.

Chapter 1.XLVII.

How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf,

and was afterwards executed by the command of Picrochole.

About this same time those of Besse, of the Old Market, of St. James’

Bourg, of the Draggage, of Parille, of the Rivers, of the rocks St. Pol, of

the Vaubreton, of Pautille, of the Brehemont, of Clainbridge, of Cravant,

of Grammont, of the town at the Badgerholes, of Huymes, of Segre, of Husse,

of St. Lovant, of Panzoust, of the Coldraux, of Verron, of Coulaines, of

Chose, of Varenes, of Bourgueil, of the Bouchard Island, of the Croullay,

of Narsay, of Cande, of Montsoreau, and other bordering places, sent

ambassadors unto Grangousier, to tell him that they were advised of the

great wrongs which Picrochole had done him, and, in regard of their ancient

confederacy, offered him what assistance they could afford, both in men,

money, victuals, and ammunition, and other necessaries for war.  The money

which by the joint agreement of them all was sent unto him, amounted to six

score and fourteen millions, two crowns and a half of pure gold.  The

forces wherewith they did assist him did consist in fifteen thousand

cuirassiers, two-and-thirty thousand light horsemen, four score and nine

thousand dragoons, and a hundred-and-forty thousand volunteer adventurers.

These had with them eleven thousand and two hundred cannons, double

cannons, long pieces of artillery called basilisks, and smaller sized ones

known by the name of spirols, besides the mortar-pieces and grenadoes.  Of

pioneers they had seven-and-forty thousand, all victualled and paid for six

months and four days of advance.  Which offer Gargantua did not altogether

refuse, nor wholly accept of; but, giving them hearty thanks, said that he

would compose and order the war by such a device, that there should not be

found great need to put so many honest men to trouble in the managing of

it; and therefore was content at that time to give order only for bringing

along the legions which he maintained in his ordinary garrison towns of the

Deviniere, of Chavigny, of Gravot, and of the Quinquenais, amounting to the

number of two thousand cuirassiers, three score and six thousand

foot-soldiers, six-and-twenty thousand dragoons, attended by two hundred

pieces of great ordnance, two-and-twenty thousand pioneers, and six thousand

light horsemen, all drawn up in troops, so well befitted and accommodated

with their commissaries, sutlers, farriers, harness-makers, and other such

like necessary members in a military camp, so fully instructed in the art of

warfare, so perfectly knowing and following their colours, so ready to hear

and obey their captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their charging, so

prudent in their adventures, and every day so well disciplined, that they

seemed rather to be a concert of organ-pipes, or mutual concord of the

wheels of a clock, than an infantry and cavalry, or army of soldiers.

Touchfaucet immediately after his return presented himself before

Picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen,

and at last endeavoured to persuade him with strong and forcible arguments

to capitulate and make an agreement with Grangousier, whom he found to be

the honestest man in the world; saying further, that it was neither right

nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, of whom they had never received

anything but good.  And in regard of the main point, that they should never

be able to go through stitch with that war, but to their great damage and

mischief; for the forces of Picrochole were not so considerable but that

Grangousier could easily overthrow them.

He had not well done speaking when Rashcalf said out aloud, Unhappy is that

prince which is by such men served, who are so easily corrupted, as I know

Touchfaucet is.  For I see his courage so changed that he had willingly

joined with our enemies to fight against us and betray us, if they would

have received him; but as virtue is of all, both friends and foes, praised

and esteemed, so is wickedness soon known and suspected, and although it

happen the enemies to make use thereof for their profit, yet have they

always the wicked and the traitors in abomination.

Touchfaucet being at these words very impatient, drew out his sword, and

therewith ran Rashcalf through the body, a little under the nipple of his

left side, whereof he died presently, and pulling back his sword out of his

body said boldly, So let him perish that shall a faithful servant blame.

Picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing Touchfaucet’s new sword

and his scabbard so richly diapered with flourishes of most excellent

workmanship, said, Did they give thee this weapon so feloniously therewith

to kill before my face my so good friend Rashcalf?  Then immediately

commanded he his guard to hew him in pieces, which was instantly done, and

that so cruelly that the chamber was all dyed with blood.  Afterwards he

appointed the corpse of Rashcalf to be honourably buried, and that of

Touchfaucet to be cast over the walls into the ditch.

The news of these excessive violences were quickly spread through all the

army; whereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole, in so far that

Pinchpenny said to him, My sovereign lord, I know not what the issue of

this enterprise will be.  I see your men much dejected, and not well

resolved in their minds, by considering that we are here very ill provided

of victual, and that our number is already much diminished by three or four

sallies.  Furthermore, great supplies and recruits come daily in to your

enemies; but we so moulder away that, if we be once besieged, I do not see

how we can escape a total destruction.  Tush, pish, said Picrochole, you

are like the Melun eels, you cry before they come to you.  Let them come,

let them come, if they dare.

Chapter 1.XLVIII.

How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within the rock Clermond, and utterly

defeated the army of the said Picrochole.

Gargantua had the charge of the whole army, and his father Grangousier

stayed in his castle, who, encouraging them with good words, promised great

rewards unto those that should do any notable service.  Having thus set

forward, as soon as they had gained the pass at the ford of Vede, with

boats and bridges speedily made they passed over in a trice.  Then

considering the situation of the town, which was on a high and advantageous

place, Gargantua thought fit to call his council, and pass that night in

deliberation upon what was to be done.  But Gymnast said unto him, My

sovereign lord, such is the nature and complexion of the French, that they

are worth nothing but at the first push.  Then are they more fierce than

devils.  But if they linger a little and be wearied with delays, they’ll

prove more faint and remiss than women.  My opinion is, therefore, that now

presently, after your men have taken breath and some small refection, you

give order for a resolute assault, and that we storm them instantly.  His

advice was found very good, and for effectuating thereof he brought forth

his army into the plain field, and placed the reserves on the skirt or

rising of a little hill.  The monk took along with him six companies of

foot and two hundred horsemen well armed, and with great diligence crossed

the marsh, and valiantly got upon the top of the green hillock even unto

the highway which leads to Loudun.  Whilst the assault was thus begun,

Picrochole’s men could not tell well what was best, to issue out and

receive the assailants, or keep within the town and not to stir.  Himself

in the mean time, without deliberation, sallied forth in a rage with the

cavalry of his guard, who were forthwith received and royally entertained

with great cannon-shot that fell upon them like hail from the high grounds

on which the artillery was planted.  Whereupon the Gargantuists betook

themselves unto the valleys, to give the ordnance leave to play and range

with the larger scope.

Those of the town defended themselves as well as they could, but their shot

passed over us without doing us any hurt at all.  Some of Picrochole’s men

that had escaped our artillery set most fiercely upon our soldiers, but

prevailed little; for they were all let in betwixt the files, and there

knocked down to the ground, which their fellow-soldiers seeing, they would

have retreated, but the monk having seized upon the pass by the which they

were to return, they ran away and fled in all the disorder and confusion

that could be imagined.

Some would have pursued after them and followed the chase, but the monk

withheld them, apprehending that in their pursuit the pursuers might lose

their ranks, and so give occasion to the besieged to sally out of the town

upon them.  Then staying there some space and none coming against him, he

sent the Duke Phrontist to advise Gargantua to advance towards the hill

upon the left hand, to hinder Picrochole’s retreat at that gate; which

Gargantua did with all expedition, and sent thither four brigades under the

conduct of Sebast, which had no sooner reached the top of the hill, but

they met Picrochole in the teeth, and those that were with him scattered.

Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet were they much endamaged by those

that were upon the walls, who galled them with all manner of shot, both

from the great ordnance, small guns, and bows.  Which Gargantua perceiving,

he went with a strong party to their relief, and with his artillery began

to thunder so terribly upon that canton of the wall, and so long, that all

the strength within the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, was drawn

thither.  The monk seeing that quarter which he kept besieged void of men

and competent guards, and in a manner altogether naked and abandoned, did

most magnanimously on a sudden lead up his men towards the fort, and never

left it till he had got up upon it, knowing that such as come to the

reserve in a conflict bring with them always more fear and terror than

those that deal about them with they hands in the fight.

Nevertheless, he gave no alarm till all his soldiers had got within the

wall, except the two hundred horsemen, whom he left without to secure his

entry.  Then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all these who were

with him, and immediately thereafter, without resistance, putting to the

edge of the sword the guard that was at that gate, they opened it to the

horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the east

gate, where all the hurlyburly was, and coming close upon them in the rear

overthrew all their forces.

The besieged, seeing that the Gargantuists had won the town upon them, and

that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted themselves

unto the mercy of the monk, and asked for quarter, which the monk very

nobly granted to them, yet made them lay down their arms; then, shutting

them up within churches, gave order to seize upon all the staves of the

crosses, and placed men at the doors to keep them from coming forth.  Then

opening that east gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua.  But

Picrochole, thinking it had been some relief coming to him from the town,

adventured more forwardly than before, and was upon the giving of a most

desperate home-charge, when Gargantua cried out, Ha, Friar John, my friend

Friar John, you are come in a good hour.  Which unexpected accident so

affrighted Picrochole and his men, that, giving all for lost, they betook

themselves to their heels, and fled on all hands.  Gargantua chased them

till they came near to Vaugaudry, killing and slaying all the way, and then

sounded the retreat.

Chapter 1.XLIX.

How Picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes, and what

Gargantua did after the battle.

Picrochole thus in despair fled towards the Bouchard Island, and in the way

to Riviere his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he on a sudden was so

incensed, that he with his sword without more ado killed him in his choler;

then, not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have taken an

ass at the mill that was thereby; but the miller’s men did so baste his

bones and so soundly bethwack him that they made him both black and blue

with strokes; then stripping him of all his clothes, gave him a scurvy old

canvas jacket wherewith to cover his nakedness.  Thus went along this poor

choleric wretch, who, passing the water at Port-Huaulx, and relating his

misadventurous disasters, was foretold by an old Lourpidon hag that his

kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the Cocklicranes, which

she called Coquecigrues.  What is become of him since we cannot certainly

tell, yet was I told that he is now a porter at Lyons, as testy and pettish

in humour as ever he was before, and would be always with great lamentation

inquiring at all strangers of the coming of the Cocklicranes, expecting

assuredly, according to the old woman’s prophecy, that at their coming he

shall be re-established in his kingdom.  The first thing Gargantua did

after his return into the town was to call the muster-roll of his men,

which when he had done, he found that there were very few either killed or

wounded, only some few foot of Captain Tolmere’s company, and Ponocrates,

who was shot with a musket-ball through the doublet.  Then he caused them

all at and in their several posts and divisions to take a little

refreshment, which was very plenteously provided for them in the best drink

and victuals that could be had for money, and gave order to the treasurers

and commissaries of the army to pay for and defray that repast, and that

there should be no outrage at all nor abuse committed in the town, seeing

it was his own.  And furthermore commanded, that immediately after the

soldiers had done with eating and drinking for that time sufficiently and

to their own hearts’ desire, a gathering should be beaten for bringing them

altogether, to be drawn up on the piazza before the castle, there to

receive six months’ pay completely.  All which was done.  After this, by

his direction, were brought before him in the said place all those that

remained of Picrochole’s party, unto whom, in the presence of the princes,

nobles, and officers of his court and army, he spoke as followeth.

Chapter 1.L.

Gargantua’s speech to the vanquished.

Our forefathers and ancestors of all times have been of this nature and

disposition, that, upon the winning of a battle, they have chosen rather,

for a sign and memorial of their triumphs and victories, to erect trophies

and monuments in the hearts of the vanquished by clemency than by

architecture in the lands which they had conquered.  For they did hold in

greater estimation the lively remembrance of men purchased by liberality

than the dumb inscription of arches, pillars, and pyramids, subject to the

injury of storms and tempests, and to the envy of everyone.  You may very

well remember of the courtesy which by them was used towards the Bretons in

the battle of St. Aubin of Cormier and at the demolishing of Partenay.  You

have heard, and hearing admire, their gentle comportment towards those at

the barriers (the barbarians) of Spaniola, who had plundered, wasted, and

ransacked the maritime borders of Olone and Thalmondois.  All this

hemisphere of the world was filled with the praises and congratulations

which yourselves and your fathers made, when Alpharbal, King of Canarre,

not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiously invade the land of

Onyx, and with cruel piracies molest all the Armoric Islands and confine

regions of Britany.  Yet was he in a set naval fight justly taken and

vanquished by my father, whom God preserve and protect.  But what?  Whereas

other kings and emperors, yea, those who entitle themselves Catholics,

would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner, and put him

to an extreme high ransom, he entreated him very courteously, lodged him

kindly with himself in his own palace, and out of his incredible mildness

and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe conduct, laden with gifts,

laden with favours, laden with all offices of friendship.  What fell out

upon it?  Being returned into his country, he called a parliament, where

all the princes and states of his kingdom being assembled, he showed them

the humanity which he had found in us, and therefore wished them to take

such course by way of compensation therein as that the whole world might be

edified by the example, as well of their honest graciousness to us as of

our gracious honesty towards them.  The result hereof was, that it was

voted and decreed by an unanimous consent, that they should offer up

entirely their lands, dominions, and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us

according to our pleasure.

Alpharbal in his own person presently returned with nine thousand and

thirty-eight great ships of burden, bringing with him the treasures, not

only of his house and royal lineage, but almost of all the country besides.

For he embarking himself, to set sail with a west-north-east wind, everyone

in heaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, jewels, spices, drugs,

and aromatical perfumes, parrots, pelicans, monkeys, civet-cats,

black-spotted weasels, porcupines, &c.  He was accounted no good mother’s

son that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had.

Being safely arrived, he came to my said father, and would have kissed his

feet.  That action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not

permitted, but in exchange he was most cordially embraced.  He offered his

presents; they were not received, because they were too excessive:  he

yielded himself voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was content his whole

posterity should be liable to the same bondage; this was not accepted of,

because it seemed not equitable:  he surrendered, by virtue of the decree

of his great parliamentary council, his whole countries and kingdoms to

him, offering the deed and conveyance, signed, sealed, and ratified by all

those that were concerned in it; this was altogether refused, and the

parchments cast into the fire.  In end, this free goodwill and simple

meaning of the Canarians wrought such tenderness in my father’s heart that

he could not abstain from shedding tears, and wept most profusely; then, by

choice words very congruously adapted, strove in what he could to diminish

the estimation of the good offices which he had done them, saying, that any

courtesy he had conferred upon them was not worth a rush, and what favour

soever he had showed them he was bound to do it.  But so much the more did

Alpharbal augment the repute thereof.  What was the issue?  Whereas for his

ransom, in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing,

could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand crowns,

and his eldest sons detained as hostages till that sum had been paid, they

made themselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged to give us every year

two millions of gold at four-and-twenty carats fine.  The first year we

received the whole sum of two millions; the second year of their own accord

they paid freely to us three-and-twenty hundred thousand crowns; the third

year, six-and-twenty hundred thousand; the fourth year, three millions, and

do so increase it always out of their own goodwill that we shall be

constrained to forbid them to bring us any more.  This is the nature of

gratitude and true thankfulness.  For time, which gnaws and diminisheth all

things else, augments and increaseth benefits; because a noble action of

liberality, done to a man of reason, doth grow continually by his generous

thinking of it and remembering it.

Being unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary

mildness and clemency of my parents, I do now forgive you, deliver you from

all fines and imprisonments, fully release you, set you at liberty, and

every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before.  Moreover, at

your going out of the gate, you shall have every one of you three months’

pay to bring you home into your houses and families, and shall have a safe

convoy of six hundred cuirassiers and eight thousand foot under the conduct

of Alexander, esquire of my body, that the clubmen of the country may not

do you any injury.  God be with you!  I am sorry from my heart that

Picrochole is not here; for I would have given him to understand that this

war was undertaken against my will and without any hope to increase either

my goods or renown.  But seeing he is lost, and that no man can tell where

nor how he went away, it is my will that his kingdom remain entire to his

son; who, because he is too young, he not being yet full five years old,

shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient princes and learned men

of the kingdom.  And because a realm thus desolate may easily come to ruin,

if the covetousness and avarice of those who by their places are obliged to

administer justice in it be not curbed and restrained, I ordain and will

have it so, that Ponocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his

governors, with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto, and that

he be continually with the child until he find him able and capable to rule

and govern by himself.

Now I must tell you, that you are to understand how a too feeble and

dissolute facility in pardoning evildoers giveth them occasion to commit

wickedness afterwards more readily, upon this pernicious confidence of

receiving favour.  I consider that Moses, the meekest man that was in his

time upon the earth, did severely punish the mutinous and seditious people

of Israel.  I consider likewise that Julius Caesar, who was so gracious an

emperor that Cicero said of him that his fortune had nothing more excellent

than that he could, and his virtue nothing better than that he would always

save and pardon every man--he, notwithstanding all this, did in certain

places most rigorously punish the authors of rebellion.  After the example

of these good men, it is my will and pleasure that you deliver over unto me

before you depart hence, first, that fine fellow Marquet, who was the prime

cause, origin, and groundwork of this war by his vain presumption and

overweening; secondly, his fellow cake-bakers, who were neglective in

checking and reprehending his idle hairbrained humour in the instant time;

and lastly, all the councillors, captains, officers, and domestics of

Picrochole, who had been incendiaries or fomenters of the war by provoking,

praising, or counselling him to come out of his limits thus to trouble us.

Chapter 1.LI.

How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the battle.

When Gargantua had finished his speech, the seditious men whom he required

were delivered up unto him, except Swashbuckler, Dirt-tail, and Smalltrash,

who ran away six hours before the battle--one of them as far as to

Lainiel-neck at one course, another to the valley of Vire, and the third

even unto Logroine, without looking back or taking breath by the way--and

two of the cake-bakers who were slain in the fight.  Gargantua did them no

other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the presses of his

printing-house which he had newly set up.  Then those who died there he

caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile valley and Burn-hag field, and

gave order that the wounded should be dressed and had care of in his great

hospital or nosocome.  After this, considering the great prejudice done to

the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges and repaired all

the losses that by their confession upon oath could appear they had

sustained; and, for their better defence and security in times coming

against all sudden uproars and invasions, commanded a strong citadel to be

built there with a competent garrison to maintain it.  At his departure he

did very graciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades that had been at

this overthrow, and sent them back to their winter-quarters in their several

stations and garrisons; the decumane legion only excepted, whom in the field

on that day he saw do some great exploit, and their captains also, whom he

brought along with himself unto Grangousier.

At the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is not

possible fully to describe it.  He made them a feast the most magnificent,

plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the king

Ahasuerus.  At the taking up of the table he distributed amongst them his

whole cupboard of plate, which weighed eight hundred thousand and fourteen

bezants (Each bezant is worth five pounds English money.) of gold, in great

antique vessels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, goblets,

candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure massy gold,

besides the precious stones, enamelling, and workmanship, which by all

men’s estimation was more worth than the matter of the gold.  Then unto

every one of them out of his coffers caused he to be given the sum of

twelve hundred thousand crowns ready money.  And, further, he gave to each

of them for ever and in perpetuity, unless he should happen to decease

without heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands of his as were most

commodious for them.  To Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond; to Gymnast,

the Coudray; to Eudemon, Montpensier; Rivau, to Tolmere, to Ithibolle,

Montsoreau; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to Chironacte; Gravot, to Sebast;

Quinquenais, to Alexander; Legre, to Sophrone, and so of his other places.

Chapter 1.LII.

How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme.

There was left only the monk to provide for, whom Gargantua would have made

Abbot of Seville, but he refused it.  He would have given him the Abbey of

Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent, which was better, or both, if it pleased

him; but the monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never

take upon him the charge nor government of monks.  For how shall I be able,

said he, to rule over others, that have not full power and command of

myself?  If you think I have done you, or may hereafter do any acceptable

service, give me leave to found an abbey after my own mind and fancy.  The

motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the

country of Theleme by the river of Loire till within two leagues of the

great forest of Port-Huaulx.  The monk then requested Gargantua to

institute his religious order contrary to all others.  First, then, said

Gargantua, you must not build a wall about your convent, for all other

abbeys are strongly walled and mured about.  See, said the monk, and not

without cause (seeing wall and mur signify but one and the same thing);

where there is mur before and mur behind, there is store of murmur, envy,

and mutual conspiracy.  Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the

world whereof the custom is, if any woman come in, I mean chaste and honest

women, they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon;

therefore was it ordained, that if any man or woman entered into religious

orders should by chance come within this new abbey, all the rooms should be

thoroughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed.  And because

in all other monasteries and nunneries all is compassed, limited, and

regulated by hours, it was decreed that in this new structure there should

be neither clock nor dial, but that according to the opportunities and

incident occasions all their hours should be disposed of; for, said

Gargantua, the greatest loss of time that I know is to count the hours.

What good comes of it?  Nor can there be any greater dotage in the world

than for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a bell, and

not by his own judgment and discretion.

Item, Because at that time they put no women into nunneries but such as

were either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-favoured, misshapen,

fools, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloistered any men but those

that were either sickly, subject to defluxions, ill-bred louts, simple

sots, or peevish trouble-houses.  But to the purpose, said the monk.  A

woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she?  To make a nun

of, said Gargantua.  Yea, said the monk, and to make shirts and smocks.

Therefore was it ordained that into this religious order should be admitted

no women that were not fair, well-featured, and of a sweet disposition; nor

men that were not comely, personable, and well conditioned.

Item, Because in the convents of women men come not but underhand, privily,

and by stealth, it was therefore enacted that in this house there shall be

no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not women.

Item, Because both men and women that are received into religious orders

after the expiring of their noviciate or probation year were constrained

and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life, it was

therefore ordered that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this

abbey, should have full leave to depart with peace and contentment

whensoever it should seem good to them so to do.

Item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three vows,

to wit, those of chastity, poverty, and obedience, it was therefore

constituted and appointed that in this convent they might be honourably

married, that they might be rich, and live at liberty.  In regard of the

legitimate time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above

which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted

from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve till eighteen.

Chapter 1.LIII.

How the abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed.

For the fabric and furniture of the abbey Gargantua caused to be delivered

out in ready money seven-and-twenty hundred thousand, eight hundred and

one-and-thirty of those golden rams of Berry which have a sheep stamped on

the one side and a flowered cross on the other; and for every year, until

the whole work were completed, he allotted threescore nine thousand crowns

of the sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be charged all upon the

receipt of the custom.  For the foundation and maintenance thereof for

ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of three-and-twenty hundred,

three score and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose nobles,

exempted from all homage, fealty, service, or burden whatsoever, and

payable every year at the gate of the abbey; and of this by letters patent

passed a very good grant.  The architecture was in a figure hexagonal, and

in such a fashion that in every one of the six corners there was built a

great round tower of threescore foot in diameter, and were all of a like

form and bigness.  Upon the north side ran along the river of Loire, on the

bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic.  Going towards the east,

there was another called Calaer,--the next following Anatole,--the next

Mesembrine,--the next Hesperia, and the last Criere.  Every tower was

distant from other the space of three hundred and twelve paces.  The whole

edifice was everywhere six storeys high, reckoning the cellars underground

for one.  The second was arched after the fashion of a basket-handle; the

rest were ceiled with pure wainscot, flourished with Flanders fretwork, in

the form of the foot of a lamp, and covered above with fine slates, with an

endorsement of lead, carrying the antique figures of little puppets and

animals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and gilt,

together with the gutters, which, jutting without the walls from betwixt

the crossbars in a diagonal figure, painted with gold and azure, reached to

the very ground, where they ended into great conduit-pipes, which carried

all away unto the river from under the house.

This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than

ever was Bonnivet, Chambourg, or Chantilly; for there were in it nine

thousand, three hundred and two-and-thirty chambers, every one whereof had

a withdrawing-room, a handsome closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat

passage, leading into a great and spacious hall.  Between every tower in

the midst of the said body of building there was a pair of winding, such as

we now call lantern stairs, whereof the steps were part of porphyry, which

is a dark red marble spotted with white, part of Numidian stone, which is a

kind of yellowishly-streaked marble upon various colours, and part of

serpentine marble, with light spots on a dark green ground, each of those

steps being two-and-twenty foot in length and three fingers thick, and the

just number of twelve betwixt every rest, or, as we now term it,

landing-place.  In every resting-place were two fair antique arches where

the light came in:  and by those they went into a cabinet, made even with

and of the breadth of the said winding, and the reascending above the roofs

of the house ended conically in a pavilion.  By that vise or winding they

entered on every side into a great hall, and from the halls into the

chambers. From the Arctic tower unto the Criere were the fair great

libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, Italian, and Spanish,

respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to the

diversity of these languages.  In the midst there was a wonderful scalier or

winding-stair, the entry whereof was without the house, in a vault or arch

six fathom broad.  It was made in such symmetry and largeness that six

men-at-arms with their lances in their rests might together in a breast ride

all up to the very top of all the palace.  From the tower Anatole to the

Mesembrine were fair spacious galleries, all coloured over and painted with

the ancient prowesses, histories, and descriptions of the world.  In the

midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and gate as we said

there was on the river-side.  Upon that gate was written in great antique

letters that which followeth.

Chapter 1.LIV.

The inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme.

Here enter not vile bigots, hypocrites,

Externally devoted apes, base snites,

Puffed-up, wry-necked beasts, worse than the Huns,

Or Ostrogoths, forerunners of baboons:

Cursed snakes, dissembled varlets, seeming sancts,

Slipshod caffards, beggars pretending wants,

Fat chuffcats, smell-feast knockers, doltish gulls,

Out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious bulls,

Fomenters of divisions and debates,

Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your deceits.

  Your filthy trumperies

  Stuffed with pernicious lies

    (Not worth a bubble),

    Would do but trouble

  Our earthly paradise,

  Your filthy trumperies.

Here enter not attorneys, barristers,

Nor bridle-champing law-practitioners:

Clerks, commissaries, scribes, nor pharisees,

Wilful disturbers of the people’s ease:

Judges, destroyers, with an unjust breath,

Of honest men, like dogs, even unto death.

Your salary is at the gibbet-foot:

Go drink there! for we do not here fly out

On those excessive courses, which may draw

A waiting on your courts by suits in law.

  Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling

  Hence are exiled, and jangling.

    Here we are very

    Frolic and merry,

  And free from all entangling,

  Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling.

Here enter not base pinching usurers,

Pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers,

Gold-graspers, coin-gripers, gulpers of mists,

Niggish deformed sots, who, though your chests

Vast sums of money should to you afford,

Would ne’ertheless add more unto that hoard,

And yet not be content,--you clunchfist dastards,

Insatiable fiends, and Pluto’s bastards,

Greedy devourers, chichy sneakbill rogues,

Hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you ravenous dogs.

  You beastly-looking fellows,

  Reason doth plainly tell us

    That we should not

    To you allot

  Room here, but at the gallows,

  You beastly-looking fellows.

Here enter not fond makers of demurs

In love adventures, peevish, jealous curs,

Sad pensive dotards, raisers of garboils,

Hags, goblins, ghosts, firebrands of household broils,

Nor drunkards, liars, cowards, cheaters, clowns,

Thieves, cannibals, faces o’ercast with frowns,

Nor lazy slugs, envious, covetous,

Nor blockish, cruel, nor too credulous,--

Here mangy, pocky folks shall have no place,

No ugly lusks, nor persons of disgrace.

  Grace, honour, praise, delight,

  Here sojourn day and night.

    Sound bodies lined

    With a good mind,

  Do here pursue with might

  Grace, honour, praise, delight.

Here enter you, and welcome from our hearts,

All noble sparks, endowed with gallant parts.

This is the glorious place, which bravely shall

Afford wherewith to entertain you all.

Were you a thousand, here you shall not want

For anything; for what you’ll ask we’ll grant.

Stay here, you lively, jovial, handsome, brisk,

Gay, witty, frolic, cheerful, merry, frisk,

Spruce, jocund, courteous, furtherers of trades,

And, in a word, all worthy gentle blades.

  Blades of heroic breasts

  Shall taste here of the feasts,

    Both privily

    And civilly

  Of the celestial guests,

  Blades of heroic breasts.

Here enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true

Expounders of the Scriptures old and new.

Whose glosses do not blind our reason, but

Make it to see the clearer, and who shut

Its passages from hatred, avarice,

Pride, factions, covenants, and all sort of vice.

Come, settle here a charitable faith,

Which neighbourly affection nourisheth.

And whose light chaseth all corrupters hence,

Of the blest word, from the aforesaid sense.

  The holy sacred Word,

  May it always afford

    T’ us all in common,

    Both man and woman,

  A spiritual shield and sword,

  The holy sacred Word.

Here enter you all ladies of high birth,

Delicious, stately, charming, full of mirth,

Ingenious, lovely, miniard, proper, fair,

Magnetic, graceful, splendid, pleasant, rare,

Obliging, sprightly, virtuous, young, solacious,

Kind, neat, quick, feat, bright, compt, ripe, choice, dear, precious.

Alluring, courtly, comely, fine, complete,

Wise, personable, ravishing, and sweet,

Come joys enjoy.  The Lord celestial

Hath given enough wherewith to please us all.

  Gold give us, God forgive us,

  And from all woes relieve us;

    That we the treasure

    May reap of pleasure,

  And shun whate’er is grievous,

  Gold give us, God forgive us.

Chapter 1.LV.

What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had.

In the middle of the lower court there was a stately fountain of fair

alabaster.  Upon the top thereof stood the three Graces, with their

cornucopias, or horns of abundance, and did jet out the water at their

breasts, mouth, ears, eyes, and other open passages of the body.  The

inside of the buildings in this lower court stood upon great pillars of

chalcedony stone and porphyry marble made archways after a goodly antique

fashion.  Within those were spacious galleries, long and large, adorned

with curious pictures, the horns of bucks and unicorns:  with rhinoceroses,

water-horses called hippopotames, the teeth and tusks of elephants, and

other things well worth the beholding.  The lodging of the ladies, for so

we may call those gallant women, took up all from the tower Arctic unto the

gate Mesembrine.  The men possessed the rest.  Before the said lodging of

the ladies, that they might have their recreation, between the two first

towers, on the outside, were placed the tiltyard, the barriers or lists for

tournaments, the hippodrome or riding-court, the theatre or public

playhouse, and natatory or place to swim in, with most admirable baths in

three stages, situated above one another, well furnished with all necessary

accommodation, and store of myrtle-water.  By the river-side was the fair

garden of pleasure, and in the midst of that the glorious labyrinth.

Between the two other towers were the courts for the tennis and the

balloon.  Towards the tower Criere stood the orchard full of all

fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial order.  At the end of that was

the great park, abounding with all sort of venison.  Betwixt the third

couple of towers were the butts and marks for shooting with a snapwork gun,

an ordinary bow for common archery, or with a crossbow.  The office-houses

were without the tower Hesperia, of one storey high.  The stables were

beyond the offices, and before them stood the falconry, managed by

ostrich-keepers and falconers very expert in the art, and it was yearly

supplied and furnished by the Candians, Venetians, Sarmates, now called

Muscoviters, with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, gerfalcons,

goshawks, sacres, lanners, falcons, sparrowhawks, marlins, and other kinds

of them, so gentle and perfectly well manned, that, flying of themselves

sometimes from the castle for their own disport, they would not fail to

catch whatever they encountered.  The venery, where the beagles and hounds

were kept, was a little farther off, drawing towards the park.

All the halls, chambers, and closets or cabinets were richly hung with

tapestry and hangings of divers sorts, according to the variety of the

seasons of the year.  All the pavements and floors were covered with green

cloth.  The beds were all embroidered.  In every back-chamber or

withdrawing-room there was a looking-glass of pure crystal set in a frame

of fine gold, garnished all about with pearls, and was of such greatness

that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and proportion of

the person that stood before it.  At the going out of the halls which

belong to the ladies’ lodgings were the perfumers and trimmers through

whose hands the gallants passed when they were to visit the ladies.  Those

sweet artificers did every morning furnish the ladies’ chambers with the

spirit of roses, orange-flower-water, and angelica; and to each of them

gave a little precious casket vapouring forth the most odoriferous

exhalations of the choicest aromatical scents.

Chapter 1.LVI.

How the men and women of the religious order of Theleme were apparelled.

The ladies at the foundation of this order were apparelled after their own

pleasure and liking; but, since that of their own accord and free will they

have reformed themselves, their accoutrement is in manner as followeth.

They wore stockings of scarlet crimson, or ingrained purple dye, which

reached just three inches above the knee, having a list beautified with

exquisite embroideries and rare incisions of the cutter’s art.  Their

garters were of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the knee a

little both over and under.  Their shoes, pumps, and slippers were either

of red, violet, or crimson-velvet, pinked and jagged like lobster waddles.

Next to their smock they put on the pretty kirtle or vasquin of pure silk

camlet:  above that went the taffety or tabby farthingale, of white, red,

tawny, grey, or of any other colour.  Above this taffety petticoat they had

another of cloth of tissue or brocade, embroidered with fine gold and

interlaced with needlework, or as they thought good, and according to the

temperature and disposition of the weather had their upper coats of satin,

damask, or velvet, and those either orange, tawny, green, ash-coloured,

blue, yellow, bright red, crimson, or white, and so forth; or had them of

cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choice stuff, enriched with

purl, or embroidered according to the dignity of the festival days and

times wherein they wore them.

Their gowns, being still correspondent to the season, were either of cloth

of gold frizzled with a silver-raised work; of red satin, covered with gold

purl; of tabby, or taffety, white, blue, black, tawny, &c., of silk serge,

silk camlet, velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, cloth of gold, gold

wire, figured velvet, or figured satin tinselled and overcast with golden

threads, in divers variously purfled draughts.

In the summer some days instead of gowns they wore light handsome mantles,

made either of the stuff of the aforesaid attire, or like Moresco rugs, of

violet velvet frizzled, with a raised work of gold upon silver purl, or

with a knotted cord-work of gold embroidery, everywhere garnished with

little Indian pearls.  They always carried a fair panache, or plume of

feathers, of the colour of their muff, bravely adorned and tricked out with

glistering spangles of gold.  In the winter time they had their taffety

gowns of all colours, as above-named, and those lined with the rich

furrings of hind-wolves, or speckled lynxes, black-spotted weasels, martlet

skins of Calabria, sables, and other costly furs of an inestimable value.

Their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets, and neck-chains were all

of precious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, baleus, diamonds,

sapphires, emeralds, turquoises, garnets, agates, beryls, and excellent

margarites.  Their head-dressing also varied with the season of the year,

according to which they decked themselves.  In winter it was of the French

fashion; in the spring, of the Spanish; in summer, of the fashion of

Tuscany, except only upon the holy days and Sundays, at which times they

were accoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more

honourable and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity.

The men were apparelled after their fashion.  Their stockings were of

tamine or of cloth serge, of white, black, scarlet, or some other ingrained

colour.  Their breeches were of velvet, of the same colour with their

stockings, or very near, embroidered and cut according to their fancy.

Their doublet was of cloth of gold, of cloth of silver, of velvet, satin,

damask, taffeties, &c., of the same colours, cut, embroidered, and suitably

trimmed up in perfection.  The points were of silk of the same colours; the

tags were of gold well enamelled.  Their coats and jerkins were of cloth of

gold, cloth of silver, gold, tissue or velvet embroidered, as they thought

fit.  Their gowns were every whit as costly as those of the ladies.  Their

girdles were of silks, of the colour of their doublets.  Every one had a

gallant sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereof were gilt, and the

scabbard of velvet, of the colour of his breeches, with a chape of gold,

and pure goldsmith’s work.  The dagger was of the same.  Their caps or

bonnets were of black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttons of gold.

Upon that they wore a white plume, most prettily and minion-like parted by

so many rows of gold spangles, at the end whereof hung dangling in a more

sparkling resplendency fair rubies, emeralds, diamonds, &c., but there was

such a sympathy betwixt the gallants and the ladies, that every day they

were apparelled in the same livery.  And that they might not miss, there

were certain gentlemen appointed to tell the youths every morning what

vestments the ladies would on that day wear:  for all was done according to

the pleasure of the ladies.  In these so handsome clothes, and habiliments

so rich, think not that either one or other of either sex did waste any

time at all; for the masters of the wardrobes had all their raiments and

apparel so ready for every morning, and the chamber-ladies so well skilled,

that in a trice they would be dressed and completely in their clothes from

head to foot.  And to have those accoutrements with the more conveniency,

there was about the wood of Theleme a row of houses of the extent of half a

league, very neat and cleanly, wherein dwelt the goldsmiths, lapidaries,

jewellers, embroiderers, tailors, gold-drawers, velvet-weavers,

tapestry-makers and upholsterers, who wrought there every one in his own

trade, and all for the aforesaid jolly friars and nuns of the new stamp.

They were furnished with matter and stuff from the hands of the Lord

Nausiclete, who every year brought them seven ships from the Perlas and

Cannibal Islands, laden with ingots of gold, with raw silk, with pearls and

precious stones. And if any margarites, called unions, began to grow old and

lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre, those with their art

they did renew by tendering them to eat to some pretty cocks, as they use to

give casting unto hawks.

Chapter 1.LVII.

How the Thelemites were governed, and of their manner of living.

All their life was spent not in laws, statutes, or rules, but according to

their own free will and pleasure.  They rose out of their beds when they

thought good; they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, when they had a mind to

it and were disposed for it.  None did awake them, none did offer to

constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thing; for so had

Gargantua established it.  In all their rule and strictest tie of their

order there was but this one clause to be observed,

Do What Thou Wilt;

because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, and conversant in honest

companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto

virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, which is called honour.

Those same men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought

under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition by which they

formerly were inclined to virtue, to shake off and break that bond of

servitude wherein they are so tyrannously enslaved; for it is agreeable

with the nature of man to long after things forbidden and to desire what is

denied us.

By this liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation to do all of

them what they saw did please one.  If any of the gallants or ladies should

say, Let us drink, they would all drink.  If any one of them said, Let us

play, they all played.  If one said, Let us go a-walking into the fields

they went all.  If it were to go a-hawking or a-hunting, the ladies mounted

upon dainty well-paced nags, seated in a stately palfrey saddle, carried on

their lovely fists, miniardly begloved every one of them, either a

sparrowhawk or a laneret or a marlin, and the young gallants carried the

other kinds of hawks.  So nobly were they taught, that there was neither he

nor she amongst them but could read, write, sing, play upon several musical

instruments, speak five or six several languages, and compose in them all

very quaintly, both in verse and prose.  Never were seen so valiant

knights, so noble and worthy, so dexterous and skilful both on foot and

a-horse-back, more brisk and lively, more nimble and quick, or better

handling all manner of weapons than were there.  Never were seen ladies so

proper and handsome, so miniard and dainty, less froward, or more ready

with their hand and with their needle in every honest and free action

belonging to that sex, than were there.  For this reason, when the time

came that any man of the said abbey, either at the request of his parents,

or for some other cause, had a mind to go out of it, he carried along with

him one of the ladies, namely, her whom he had before that chosen for his

mistress, and (they) were married together.  And if they had formerly in

Theleme lived in good devotion and amity, they did continue therein and

increase it to a greater height in their state of matrimony; and did

entertain that mutual love till the very last day of their life, in no less

vigour and fervency than at the very day of their wedding.  Here must not I

forget to set down unto you a riddle which was found under the ground as

they were laying the foundation of the abbey, engraven in a copper plate,

and it was thus as followeth.

Chapter 1.LVIII.

A prophetical Riddle.

Poor mortals, who wait for a happy day,

Cheer up your hearts, and hear what I shall say:

If it be lawful firmly to believe

That the celestial bodies can us give

Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet;

Or if from heaven such wisdom we may get

As may with confidence make us discourse

Of years to come, their destiny and course;

I to my hearers give to understand

That this next winter, though it be at hand,

Yea and before, there shall appear a race

Of men who, loth to sit still in one place,

Shall boldly go before all people’s eyes,

Suborning men of divers qualities

To draw them unto covenants and sides,

In such a manner that, whate’er betides,

They’ll move you, if you give them ear, no doubt,

With both your friends and kindred to fall out.

They’ll make a vassal to gain-stand his lord,

And children their own parents; in a word,

All reverence shall then be banished,

No true respect to other shall be had.

They’ll say that every man should have his turn,

Both in his going forth and his return;

And hereupon there shall arise such woes,

Such jarrings, and confused to’s and fro’s,

That never were in history such coils

Set down as yet, such tumults and garboils.

Then shall you many gallant men see by

Valour stirr’d up, and youthful fervency,

Who, trusting too much in their hopeful time,

Live but a while, and perish in their prime.

Neither shall any, who this course shall run,

Leave off the race which he hath once begun,

Till they the heavens with noise by their contention

Have fill’d, and with their steps the earth’s dimension.

Then those shall have no less authority,

That have no faith, than those that will not lie;

For all shall be governed by a rude,

Base, ignorant, and foolish multitude;

The veriest lout of all shall be their judge,

O horrible and dangerous deluge!

Deluge I call it, and that for good reason,

For this shall be omitted in no season;

Nor shall the earth of this foul stir be free,

Till suddenly you in great store shall see

The waters issue out, with whose streams the

Most moderate of all shall moistened be,

And justly too; because they did not spare

The flocks of beasts that innocentest are,

But did their sinews and their bowels take,

Not to the gods a sacrifice to make,

But usually to serve themselves for sport:

And now consider, I do you exhort,

In such commotions so continual,

What rest can take the globe terrestrial?

Most happy then are they, that can it hold,

And use it carefully as precious gold,

By keeping it in gaol, whence it shall have

No help but him who being to it gave.

And to increase his mournful accident,

The sun, before it set in th’ occident,

Shall cease to dart upon it any light,

More than in an eclipse, or in the night,--

So that at once its favour shall be gone,

And liberty with it be left alone.

And yet, before it come to ruin thus,

Its quaking shall be as impetuous

As Aetna’s was when Titan’s sons lay under,

And yield, when lost, a fearful sound like thunder.

Inarime did not more quickly move,

When Typheus did the vast huge hills remove,

And for despite into the sea them threw.

  Thus shall it then be lost by ways not few,

And changed suddenly, when those that have it

To other men that after come shall leave it.

Then shall it be high time to cease from this

So long, so great, so tedious exercise;

For the great waters told you now by me,

Will make each think where his retreat shall be;

And yet, before that they be clean disperst,

You may behold in th’ air, where nought was erst,

The burning heat of a great flame to rise,

Lick up the water, and the enterprise.

  It resteth after those things to declare,

That those shall sit content who chosen are,

With all good things, and with celestial man (ne,)

And richly recompensed every man:

The others at the last all stripp’d shall be,

That after this great work all men may see,

How each shall have his due.  This is their lot;

O he is worthy praise that shrinketh not!

No sooner was this enigmatical monument read over, but Gargantua, fetching

a very deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, It is not now only, I

perceive, that people called to the faith of the gospel, and convinced with

the certainty of evangelical truths, are persecuted.  But happy is that man

that shall not be scandalized, but shall always continue to the end in

aiming at that mark which God by his dear Son hath set before us, without

being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depraved nature.

The monk then said, What do you think in your conscience is meant and

signified by this riddle?  What? said Gargantua,--the progress and carrying

on of the divine truth.  By St. Goderan, said the monk, that is not my

exposition.  It is the style of the prophet Merlin.  Make upon it as many

grave allegories and glosses as you will, and dote upon it you and the rest

of the world as long as you please; for my part, I can conceive no other

meaning in it but a description of a set at tennis in dark and obscure

terms.  The suborners of men are the makers of matches, which are commonly

friends.  After the two chases are made, he that was in the upper end of

the tennis-court goeth out, and the other cometh in.  They believe the

first that saith the ball was over or under the line.  The waters are the

heats that the players take till they sweat again.  The cords of the

rackets are made of the guts of sheep or goats.  The globe terrestrial is

the tennis-ball.  After playing, when the game is done, they refresh

themselves before a clear fire, and change their shirts; and very willingly

they make all good cheer, but most merrily those that have gained.  And so,

farewell!

End book 1

Rabelais Index